Jump to content
Afsar

Wife left me because of Sunni boy

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

My wife left me because her ex Sunni boyfriend came back in her life and she started chatting with him and saying stuff that doesn’t suit a married girl. When I found out I asked her whether she wants to leave me she said yes.

i without being rude to her decided to end the marriage and seeing my ikhlaq she thought about changing her mind which provoked some brains nerve damage to her bf. he begged her to have divorce with me and she decided to leave me.

later on our relationship ended with she asking for khula and I granted her on her request.

so my question is who committed a sin here

-her bf for emotionally blackmailing her and making her end her nikah

- girl herself for transgressing beyond the limits set by Allah

- myself who let her talk to her bf so with a hope that eventually she will refuse him but she didn’t and i sent her back to her parents house and granted her khula on her request. Note I asked her later that I will do the correction of your mistake if u apologize to my family but she opted to end this marriage

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaam bro. Sorry to hear this sad tale. And hope you don't feel too terrible.

In my opinion forget who is to blame or who sinned, it's not a question for you (or I) to answer.

Say Alhamdulillah that she showed her true colours, and move on. You have my dua.

Peace.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

They were both wrong. I am sorry for what happened to you but I also think you are better off without such a woman in your life.

The best thing to do now is to forget about her and to get married to someone who will marry you for the sake of getting closer to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But the only problem is I am still feeling love for her. I say in front of my family that now I hate her but in reality no matter how hard I try I can’t get her out of my mind and heart.

i had my engagement with her that stay for 14 months. For first 8 months she was fine but later her ex bf came back in her life and misled her. Just few days before marriage he contacted me asking to break this engagement as the girl is being forced by her parents. As a proof he showed me her text messages to him. I got very upset and started yelling on the girl only for her to cry and apologizing me and begging not to break as she will be sincere from now on. I forgave her with a thought that person should get at least one chance of redemption and she got her lesson and she won’t do that again.

i married her but it seems that she had other plans. She never let me have intercourse with her for the time we live together and may be a week after marriage brought back her ex and when I came to know i with heavy heart sent her back to her fathers house. Their her parents beg her not to break this marriage but she didn’t listen and knowing that now their daughters has been defamed in my family they decided to take their daughters side and got her out of this marriage.

 

so I just can’t forget what happened with me and it’s Keep tormenting me. Moreover I can’t get her out of my mind and heart 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Asalamu alaykum,

She is absolutely disgusting to be talking to other men while married to you. Also, the fact that you mentioned that she has/had a 'sunni'  + 'boyfriend' is enough proof to move on.

Fee eman Allah

Edited by aaljibar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I agree that having a boyfriend is bad let alone a Sunni guy. But I at the same time understands that these things happen at universities.

but my only concern was cheating after marriage. May Allah guide all momeneen and mominaat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, IbnSina said:

Salam,

I would personally never ever let my wife talk to another man in these circumstances. I hope you find a truly faithful and loyal wife in the future brother and that you did not have any kids with your ex yet.

Yes I don’t have any kids. Marriage only lasted 25 days, she didn’t let me enter in her every time I tried to use my right granted by sharia. I let her talk to her bf only becuz I was hoping that eventually she will refuse him. By holding her back and forcing my marriage upon her wouldn’t have lead me any where in my opinion

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Afsar said:

so my question is who committed a sin here

-her bf for emotionally blackmailing her and making her end her nikah

- girl herself for transgressing beyond the limits set by Allah

- myself who let her talk to her bf so with a hope that eventually she will refuse him but she didn’t and i sent her back to her parents house and granted her khula on her request.

First of all, don't beat yourself up over this. Whether you let her talk to her ex or not she was still going to do it. You have 0 blame on this. 

Secondly, this is a joint error by both the girl and her ex. She knowingly agreed to the marriage so the responsibility of the failure of hte marriage falls on her. Her ex also knew she was married but he, with no level of honor or decency, still pursued her. He is equally to blame. He had his chance when they were engaged to speak his mind on it but when the Nikah was performed he should've known and realized that his time was over and that she was married. They are both equally responsible for the mess.

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

the only problem is I am still feeling love for her.

she's not feeling any love for you nor did she ever. I know that's a painful reality to accept but in time you will get over her. She was bad news from the start.

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

I say in front of my family that now I hate her but in reality no matter how hard I try I can’t get her out of my mind and heart.

In time you will forget about her. 

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

Just few days before marriage he contacted me asking to break this engagement as the girl is being forced by her parents. As a proof he showed me her text messages to him.

Did you share this with your parents and her parents as well? You should've escalated this at that point.

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

I forgave her with a thought that person should get at least one chance of redemption and she got her lesson and she won’t do that again.

You did what any decent man would do. Unfortunately, these situations almost always end in disaster.

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

She never let me have intercourse with her for the time we live together and may be a week after marriage brought back her ex

What do you mean "brought back"? 

1 hour ago, Afsar said:

Their her parents beg her not to break this marriage but she didn’t listen and knowing that now their daughters has been defamed in my family they decided to take their daughters side and got her out of this marriage.

They are in damage control now. They are about to face some major public embarassment so expect them to do whatever to maintain their public face.

24 minutes ago, Afsar said:

Yes I don’t have any kids.

You don't know how lucky you are.

24 minutes ago, Afsar said:

 I let her talk to her bf only becuz I was hoping that eventually she will refuse him.

Not a good idea by any definition. However, like I said above this would've happened either way. She never loved you. She loved him. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Akbar673 said:

First of all, don't beat yourself up over this. Whether you let her talk to her ex or not she was still going to do it. You have 0 blame on this. 

Secondly, this is a joint error by both the girl and her ex. She knowingly agreed to the marriage so the responsibility of the failure of hte marriage falls on her. Her ex also knew she was married but he, with no level of honor or decency, still pursued her. He is equally to blame. He had his chance when they were engaged to speak his mind on it but when the Nikah was performed he should've known and realized that his time was over and that she was married. They are both equally responsible for the mess.

she's not feeling any love for you nor did she ever. I know that's a painful reality to accept but in time you will get over her. She was bad news from the start.

In time you will forget about her. 

Did you share this with your parents and her parents as well? You should've escalated this at that point.

You did what any decent man would do. Unfortunately, these situations almost always end in disaster.

What do you mean "brought back"? 

They are in damage control now. They are about to face some major public embarassment so expect them to do whatever to maintain their public face.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Not a good idea by any definition. However, like I said above this would've happened either way. She never loved you. She loved him. 

That’s the only problem I never shared this with my family or friend and sorted out between the girl, her family and myself. Both mother and daughter assured me that was her past and I forgave her and we r grateful to u for saving us from this embarrassment. I was actually very close to her mother as welll and she used to say that I am her elder son and she regards me higher thn her own sons: I didn’t inform her family because I forgave her and letting my family know about that matter would have ended this engagement right away. Neither I shared with my friends becuz I thought when in future I will make her meet their wives what wud they think about her

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Afsar said:

But the only problem is I am still feeling love for her. I say in front of my family that now I hate her but in reality no matter how hard I try I can’t get her out of my mind and heart.

 

Brother you sound like someone who has a good heart. Don't try to hate her because it won't make you feel better. Try to remain indifferent so that with time she just becomes a detail of the past. She has done a wretched thing and will have to face Allah swt on the day of judgement with this serious sin. 

InshaAllah you will find someone soon who will love and respect you and who you can love and respect back. 

Edited by Mahdavist

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum 

Say Alhamd'Allah it ended this way and with time you will no longer think of her.

Allah loves you brother you don't have to deal with trash.

Do 2 rik3at salat al shukr. 

M3 Salamah, Fe Amin Allah 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam aleykom brother, 

 

The best thing you can do now is to learn from this experience. Why on earth do you not value yourself more than to accept such a woman? Ok, falling in love clouds your judgement. But don't let that make you miss important red flags: 

1. Had a sunni boyfriend.

2. Showed her true colours before the wedding. That information is precisely what you should have used as evidence of not having a bright future with her and thus ended the engagement right there and then.

3. After marriage she continued that behaviour. This is expected given the previous points. 

4. Never ever allow your woman to interact with non mahrams unnecessarily. She shouldn't even want to do it even if you allow her. 

 

Your woman should only have eyes for you. And take care of your appearance (coz that helps your woman remain chaste according to hadiths). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Carlzone said:

Salam aleykom brother, 

 

The best thing you can do now is to learn from this experience. Why on earth do you not value yourself more than to accept such a woman? Ok, falling in love clouds your judgement. But don't let that make you miss important red flags: 

1. Had a sunni boyfriend.

2. Showed her true colours before the wedding. That information is precisely what you should have used as evidence of not having a bright future with her and thus ended the engagement right there and then.

3. After marriage she continued that behaviour. This is expected given the previous points. 

4. Never ever allow your woman to interact with non mahrams unnecessarily. She shouldn't even want to do it even if you allow her. 

 

Your woman should only have eyes for you. And take care of your appearance (coz that helps your woman remain chaste according to hadiths). 

 

Yes these were the mistakes i made and sometimes get the feeling that I made more mistakes than her. I should have used force to discipline her.

Anyways thanks a lot for your advices hopefully this will help in my future marriage 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Afsar said:

I should have used force to discipline her.

Had you used force, she would have cried to her "boyfriend" and he would have found a way to hurt you and/or family. You did the best you could in this situation. There was no hope for you to change her anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Had you used force, she would have cried to her "boyfriend" and he would have found a way to hurt you and/or family. You did the best you could in this situation. There was no hope for you to change her anyway.

:’,-(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Afsar said:

 

Yes these were the mistakes i made and sometimes get the feeling that I made more mistakes than her. I should have used force to discipline her.

Please stop making excuses for her. The mere agreement of a woman to be someone's wife in a nikkah is the only 'discipline' needed by a woman to stay chaste and faithful to her husband. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Afsar said:

 

Yes these were the mistakes i made and sometimes get the feeling that I made more mistakes than her. I should have used force to discipline her.

Anyways thanks a lot for your advices hopefully this will help in my future marriage 

Brother, you were not only a good husband to her, you went above and beyond for her by even forgiving mistakes that most men in the world would never forgive. You were a much, much better husband than she deserved so stop blaming yourself for her because, ultimately, whether someone cheats or not is that person's own responsibility and choice. That you weren't harsh with her and gave her so many chances and so much freedom was a gift from you to her, and something she should have cherished and appreciated. The fact that she treated you this way despite everything you did for her is a sign of her taking advantage of your pure heart, and not a mistake on your part. As everyone else has said, you need to stop blaming yourself because you did nothing wrong and in fact were more kind to her than almost anyone else would be. She still chose to leave you so move on. Maybe it's hard for you right now because you feel like you still love her but, trust me, given all that you've said, it seems quite clear that she didn't deserve you and the fact that it ended ultimately is the best thing that could happen. You can now focus on your future and, insha'Allah, you will find another woman who will actually appreciate your kindness and love you for it.

Edited by Khadim uz Zahra

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/21/2018 at 10:40 AM, Afsar said:

Yes I don’t have any kids. Marriage only lasted 25 days, she didn’t let me enter in her every time I tried to use my right granted by sharia. I let her talk to her bf only becuz I was hoping that eventually she will refuse him. By holding her back and forcing my marriage upon her wouldn’t have lead me any where in my opinion

Your case is one of the reasons why investigation, and thorough investigation into someone's background is allowed before marriage. Someone should have told you, even if it wasn't her, that she was still communicating with this other guy. This is a wajib kefayat (community obligation) in the case of marriage. 

If she refused to cut this connection with this other guy (btw, the fact that he is Sunni or Shia is irrelevant in this case), you should have cut the engagement and refused to marry her. She obviously wasn't serious about being married to you from the beginning. Any sister who was sincere about being married to you would have cut off this other guy from the moment she made the niyyat (intention) to marry you.Delete his contact, block him on social media, etc.  In the case she could not cut it off, she at least should have been honest with you about the fact that she still has feelings for this guy and not go thru with the marriage with you while she still has feelings and is still communicating with him. 

So the blame for this is 100% on her, given the facts that you presented. If she was forced by her family to marry you, then the blame is 50% on her and 50% on her family. In either case, you should get rid of the feelings you have for her, because she is not worth those feelings, and move on with your life.She is not worth spending one more second or one more calorie of energy thinking about. You should say 'Alhamduillah', Allah(s.w.a) spared me from having a wife who is dishonest and treacherous, because a wife with those qualities will bring you nothing but misery and hardship. There are many honest sisters out there who will not do this. Find one of them and enjoy the rest of your life. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

Your case is one of the reasons why investigation, and thorough investigation into someone's background is allowed before marriage. Someone should have told you, even if it wasn't her, that she was still communicating with this other guy. This is a wajib kefayat (community obligation) in the case of marriage. 

If she refused to cut this connection with this other guy (btw, the fact that he is Sunni or Shia is irrelevant in this case), you should have cut the engagement and refused to marry her. She obviously wasn't serious about being married to you from the beginning. Any sister who was sincere about being married to you would have cut off this other guy from the moment she made the niyyat (intention) to marry you.Delete his contact, block him on social media, etc.  In the case she could not cut it off, she at least should have been honest with you about the fact that she still has feelings for this guy and not go thru with the marriage with you while she still has feelings and is still communicating with him. 

So the blame for this is 100% on her, given the facts that you presented. If she was forced by her family to marry you, then the blame is 50% on her and 50% on her family. In either case, you should get rid of the feelings you have for her, because she is not worth those feelings, and move on with your life.She is not worth spending one more second or one more calorie of energy thinking about. You should say 'Alhamduillah', Allah(s.w.a) spared me from having a wife who is dishonest and treacherous, because a wife with those qualities will bring you nothing but misery and hardship. There are many honest sisters out there who will not do this. Find one of them and enjoy the rest of your life. Salam. 

Parents especially her mother in my opinion did ask her that see if u can’t marry your fiancé refuse him. 

 

But it at that time according to the girl she can do that but later when I started touching her she didn’t like and thought she made mistake and then she started asking for divorce even though she wasn’t saying I want to go back to him. That escalated tension between us. She kept her contact with that guy and that gave him some encouragement and from there he kept on texting her and she kept on giving him response until I found and under the strong emotional state I eventually bow down to her wishes and sent her back to her parents. 

Her mother kept on saying that she was only 21 and very mature u should have corrected her and I ask her to come back but she opted to end this marriage. Eventually Khula seegha was issued 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×