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Sister wears revealing clothes

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On 9/17/2018 at 9:27 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

There is a limit to how much I can cringe when my little sister wears mini-skirts, no hijab etc.

I love my sister, but I just don't want her to dress like that, especially when I go out with her in public. I try to correct her in a calm way, but she makes that eww face, saying "honestly why does me showing skin bother you?". If I correct her, she always replies in a mocking tone.

You might say to me, that it's none of your business, but my parents don't seem to care anymore. My mum at times does show her concern, but my dad just accepts her wearing it. When I spoke out in front of my parents, they told me to mind my own business.

I know I'm not her dad, but she has a very bad influence, it's like no one is there to guide her. It has gotten to the point that she doesn't even feel like going to majlis of Imam Hussein (as). I can't stand how careless my parents have become. I might not have the skills to bring her to the straight path, but who does?

I wish she could have some pious Shia friends!

shun her , do not go out in public with her 

she will learn once she gets married to the wrong guy 

then she will value your advice 

 

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8 hours ago, abdulhamid said:

Where to start, astaghfurullah. What human would backbite his own sister on an internet forum? Who would judge someone so heavily? You realise that you are pushing her away from Deen with this disgraceful behaviour? Astaghfurullah.

Pray for her. The Creator of the universe decides who is Muslim. Not you.

I could go on for hours, but I won't. No need. I will pray for her to have peace from her judgy self righteous brother.

If someone does something publically, discussing the fact that they do it is not gheeba. 

It is only gheeba if you also ascribe other things to her (you can probably imaging where I'm going with this), because she does this thing.publically. The OP never did that. So accusing him of gheeba with no basis is also gheeba.

Imam Ja’far al-Sadiq (a.s.) said: “Backbiting is saying about your brother what Allah has hidden for him. But mentioning what is not hidden, for example, a coarse personality or hastiness, which is open characteristics, is not backbiting. However false accusation is mentioning negative qualities that are not in him.”

He (a.s.) also said: “Anyone who falsely accuses a believer, male or female, of what is not in him on the Day he will be raised he will remain in ‘tinat khabal’ until he is released from it.” Someone asked: “What is tinat khabal?” He (a.s.) said: “It is a kind of pus that is secreted from the sexual organs of prostitutes.”

https://www.al-islam.org/living-right-way-ayatullah-jawad-tehraani/avoiding-false-accusations

When she dresses this way, she does it in public. 

I don't think your comments are based on an understanding of what gheeba is. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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14 hours ago, abdulhamid said:

Did I mention gheeba? I am surprised by the astonishing defense of a brother publicly talking about his actual birth sister when she is not here to defend herself. Backbiting is an English word. If I meant gheeba, I would say gheeba. Please try to imagine how this girl would feel if she read this thread, then you can decide the merit of it. Shameful.

If you are going to define backbiting as non muslims define it (i.e. there is no clear definition of what it is), maybe you should post those comments on a non muslim site. Otherwise, this is an Islamic site, the screen name you chose  is abdulhamid, a Muslim name, we are going to assume you are talking about gheeba and that is a fair assumption, given those conditions I mentioned. 

Once again, the OP is not doing gheeba, he is coming here seeking advice for a problem he is having. If you have no advice to give, I suggest you find another thread to post on. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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We're watching this user. 

The other thing I wanted to say brothers, which I forgot to say in the last post was that, VERY IMPORTANT, you should never judge her or say something that makes her think that you think you are better than her. This is the main reason people who come from muslim families get turned off on the idea of Islam and religion in general. It is because they make a mistake, or do something wrong, then if it is the kind of mistake where there are witnesses, people will begin to judge and make assumptions about her. I know it is really frustrating, and I am going thru the same thing with my niece right now (her mom and sisters wear hijab and she took hers off recently) but please try to resist the urge to judge or make her think you think you are better than her. If you succeed, you will keep the door open so that, probably, some time in the future she will realize what she has done and try to change. But if she doesn't feel secure with you, she will never do that. Salam. 

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By the way,

I'm dealing with this for all of my little brothers and sisters. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. It will be a long road and I would appreciate the advice given by people who have experience with this. 

Jazakallah.

Edited by aaljibar

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On 9/17/2018 at 11:32 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

17

I've tried that but she thinks that my compliments are not genuine as I just want her to dress modest.

Well you are past that age now. However, you could tell her that Meghan Markle is not even allowed to show her skin :), your parents should have thought her this when she was young. Now its very unlikely that she will start wearing shalwar kameez or pants instead of mini skirt. Since I have a daughter now this is one of my biggest fear. I hope Allah help me guide her in a path of Ahl-e-Bayt. 

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Your parents are contributing to her lack of modesty.

Especially your father, who is paying for her clothes.  

She is in a state of ghaflah, if she feared God or remembered the akheera she wouldn't be putting herself out in public exposing her body to foreign men.  

Take her to a graveyard.  Let her see the tombstones of how death takes all ages.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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This may sound completely islamicly wrong but here me out.

Leave her to it. But try and get her to go to as many places as possible with family. Whether that be having people in the house or going out to restaurants. Seeing everyone else around her dressed modestly and her being the only one dressed differently. Plays a lot on a 17 year olds mind. Peer pressure is a horrible thing but in some cases it helps. 

Shes at the age where she doesn’t necessarily want to spend time with family especially a concerned brother. And people pointing things out and trying to convince her otherwise isn’t going to work. She needs to figure out on her own what she deems as modest. 

Other than is she still practicing Islam? I don’t want to be too intrusive so you don’t have to answer that. 

 

Bless your heart brother, it must be really hard for you 

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On 9/20/2018 at 3:35 PM, Abu Hadi said:

 

It is only gheeba if you also ascribe other things to her (you can probably imaging where I'm going with this), because she does this thing.publically. The OP never did that. So accusing him of gheeba with no basis is also gheeba.

Salam 

What about the hadith that says saying anything about someone that they wouldn’t like if you said it to them is backbiting(I forgot where I read it)? Maybe someone wouldn’t like me to say they have a coarse personality? 

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Gheeba is when something is hidden/ unknown from the public eye and then someone exposes a matter that nobody knows of his/her defects to others.

When she is wearing provocative clothing in public and someone makes a note of it, it is not classified as gheeba.

M3 Salamah, Fe Amin Allah 

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5 hours ago, eloquence said:

Salam 

What about the hadith that says saying anything about someone that they wouldn’t like if you said it to them is backbiting(I forgot where I read it)? Maybe someone wouldn’t like me to say they have a coarse personality? 

Salam. That does not apply to or is it relevant to clothing someone wears in public. His sister knows what type of clothing she wears outside the house. So does everyone who sees her. It is a point where there is no controversy. 

For example, if you said this lady wore a blue skirt that exposed the tops of her knees, assuming she actually wore that, ie, you weren't lying or exaggerating but only giving an accurate factual description, and she did this in public, this is not gheeba. 

If someone went to her and said you were telling people that she was wearing this type of skirt, given the above promises, she should not be offended by this. I doubt she would be since she chose the clothing, put it on, and went out into the public with it on

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11 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

 

If someone went to her and said you were telling people that she was wearing this type of skirt, given the above promises, she should not be offended by this. I doubt she would be since she chose the clothing, put it on, and went out into the public with it on

Sorry to be annoying but I don’t really get it. Usually if anyone talks about someone else I tell them about the Hadith I mentioned before. So if I say someone has a coarse personality it wouldn’t be backbiting? If I say someone’s a bad mom, or friend or anything like that about their personality? Can you give me another example other than the skirt one?

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29 minutes ago, eloquence said:

Sorry to be annoying but I don’t really get it. Usually if anyone talks about someone else I tell them about the Hadith I mentioned before. So if I say someone has a coarse personality it wouldn’t be backbiting? If I say someone’s a bad mom, or friend or anything like that about their personality? Can you give me another example other than the skirt one?

If you say someone has a course personality, that would be backbiting, because when you say 'course', that is an opinion not a fact, and it is a judgement regarding that person which they probably wouldn't appreciate. When you say someone is 'course', or a 'bad mom', you are expressing an opinion and not a fact. If you say, instead, this person said I was a b**ch, and they actually said that, then you are stating a fact. That is not gheeba. Stating facts is not gheeba, unless those facts are about things that someone has not done in public, or facts that someone has told you in confidence, or the intention is to paint a bad picture of someone who is not a thalim. 

Another example, if a lady left her child in a store, unattended, and that child got into trouble in the store, like they broke something or was running around, you can say that this lady left her child in the store unattended and that the child was running around. That is not gheeba, it is a fact and it was done in public. Now, if you jump from that fact to conclude that she is a 'bad mom', then that is gheeba. This might have only been one incident, she may have got distracted, she may not have known that the child was in the store alone, etc, etc, or she might do that because she knows the owner of the store and the owner is watching her child, etc. So we cannot make judgments about people and assume things based on isolated fact. We cannot jump to conclusions and suppose about someones overall character based on the few facts we have about them. That is what we should avoid, but there is nothing wrong with stating facts that we ourselves observed, unless our intention in stating those facts is to paint a bad picture of the other muslim/a who is not thalim, then yes, it is gheeba. 

But when the brother stated those facts about his sister, First, I don't know his intention, but based on my other communications with him, I don't think he had a bad intention and was merely seeking advice. That is what I concluded based on what I know about him from past experience. Second, he didn't jump to conclusion and state things like 'my sister has bad morals' or 'my sister is a deceitful person' ,etc. If he would have stated those types of things, I would have advised him against doing that and/or hide the posts or close the thread. He didn't do that though. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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