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Mother tells me to avoid marriage and focus on study

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Asalamu alaykum,

My mother tells me to not get married (mutah, or permanent) until I'm 25 or so.

How can someone who's my age, close to 19, be ready to avoid thinking about girls for the next 6 years. I don't think I can last that long. :). Do I still have to listen to my mother on this issue? Or can I secretly do mut'ah?

I'm aware of the religious benefits of marrying early and such.

Jazakallah

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Your Father should be telling you this ----since you were about 8 years of age. Mine did . . . and other things related, such as "be careful of girls", "don't be their meal ticket" . . .

To quote an uncle: "Wait until you are 25 and then think twice."

Catch the two verbs?

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3 hours ago, aaljibar said:

My mother tells me to not get married (mutah, or permanent) until I'm 25 or so.

That's brilliant advice. I'm going to say the exact same thing to my kids but extend that to until their college (Undergrad & Grad school) are completed. 

3 hours ago, aaljibar said:

How can someone who's my age, close to 19, be ready to avoid thinking about girls for the next 6 years. I don't think I can last that long

Grow up and get your life in order before you start thinking about girls. You're only 19, that's not even an adult in my opinion. 

3 hours ago, aaljibar said:

Do I still have to listen to my mother on this issue?

I would.

3 hours ago, aaljibar said:

Or can I secretly do mut'ah?

and what will that get you? Maybe 15 mins of physical pleasure? Is it really worth it? 

Get your life and priorites in order before thinking about sex. Allah gave you logic and common sense in addition to your emotions. Its best to use both.

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Walaykum Salam

People care way too much about social status and what others will think of them in my opinion.  Seems some people would rather have their sons do zina then do something that is mustahab. As a man you don't need your parents permission to engage in mut'a. If you fear sexual immorality and have an opportunity to do it then you should engage in it.

[ 26357 ] 2 ـ وعن محمد بن إسماعيل ، عن الفضل بن شاذان ، عن صفوان بن يحيى ، عن ابن مسكان ، عن عبدالله بن سليمان قال : سمعت أبا جعفر ( عليه السلام ) يقول : كان علي ( عليه السلام ) يقول : لولا ما سبقني به بني الخطاب ما زنى إلا شقي .

2 – And from Muhammad b. Isma`il from al-Fadl b. Shadhan from Safwan b. Yahya from Ibn Muskan from `Abdullah b. Sulayman. He said: I heard Abu `Abdillah عليه السلام saying: `Ali عليه السلام would say: Were it not for what the son of al-Khattab preceded me with, none but a wretch would have fornicated.

59 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

Allah gave you logic and common sense in addition to your emotions. Its best to use both.

Allah also made mut'a mustahab. 

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5 hours ago, aaljibar said:

Asalamu alaykum,

My mother tells me to not get married (mutah, or permanent) until I'm 25 or so.

How can someone who's my age, close to 19, be ready to avoid thinking about girls for the next 6 years. I don't think I can last that long. :). Do I still have to listen to my mother on this issue? Or can I secretly do mut'ah?

I'm aware of the religious benefits of marrying early and such.

Jazakallah

Forget about Mut'ah. For that it is necessary for you to take the permission from girl's father.

Pertaining to the present age, I would advice you to give up your hopes of Mut'ah or marriage cuz it won't gonna happen. 

Try to surround yourself with friends (boys), play sports, watch sports, engage in religious activities and study your degree.

Soon you'll realize that 6 years have passed.

Don't think much. Shaytan is trying to make you fall by telling you its 6 long years and you can't stand your nafs. God made you strong. 

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Thank you guys for the advice, I think I will wait until I'm a bit older for permanent marriage.

I possibly will proceed with mut'ah with christians or jews as I am aware of the social ramifications of doing mut'ah with virgin shi'i girls.

Fee eman Allah, :)

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Literally grow up and sustain/work on yourself first before being able to handle such responsibility, I got married very young at around 18/19 which ended very quickly in just 6/8 months so don’t worry about it, there’s still time left if you’re still alive by then. 

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Please give advice based on islam and not on personal opinions or preferences. 

If you risk falling into sin - it becomes obligatory on you to marry. If you can but don't marry and fall into sin God will hold you accountable for that. 

The chance of finding a virgin Shia girl for mutah is approximately 0,00001%. Maybe Christians, Jews, widows, divorced women are easier to get hold of?

May Allah SWT help you overcome this problem InshaAllah. 

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38 minutes ago, Carlzone said:

If you risk falling into sin - it becomes obligatory on you to marry. If you can but don't marry and fall into sin God will hold you accountable for that

By that rule, men should marry at the age of 12 (or as soon as they hit puberty).

OP: Do your best to practice patience or find someone to do mutah with, you are already old enough to make your very own decisions in life. However, if I had to give you advice, practice patience and focus on learning, as non-academic relations are problematic for the one who searches for knowledge.

Edited by Bakir

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47 minutes ago, Carlzone said:

Don't be their meal ticket? In permanent marriage it's your wajib as a husband to be your wife's meal ticket.

That's what you girls say, but us poor <----catch the adjective?  --- us poor slobs end up being the ATM and credit card.

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2 hours ago, hasanhh said:

That's what you girls say, but us poor <----catch the adjective?  --- us poor slobs end up being the ATM and credit card.

Well try to get a better job. Feeding a wife is not that expensive. We normally eat much less than you guys, perhaps half the amount you eat.

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2 hours ago, hasanhh said:

@Bakir  lt's not funny.

"Shop and Swipe" is their mantra.

When l was little it was "Charge it" while simulating a US Cavalry bugle charge.

You're generalizing again. Ok, I know most women are gold diggers, but not all women are gold diggers. 

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17 minutes ago, Carlzone said:

Feeding a wife is not that expensive.

What a bait-and-switch! Similar ploy as the old two-can-live-cheaper-than-one garbage (yeah --it is for the wife).

lnto the feed trough is not where most of the money disappears. There lS: the clothes, furniture, always-destitute relatives, jewels, dust-collectors, some friend's kid birthday, her own car, insurance,  shoes, matching purses, ... l am making myself sick. :fever:

 

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On 9/5/2018 at 7:18 AM, aaljibar said:

Asalamu alaykum,

My mother tells me to not get married (mutah, or permanent) until I'm 25 or so.

How can someone who's my age, close to 19, be ready to avoid thinking about girls for the next 6 years. I don't think I can last that long. :). Do I still have to listen to my mother on this issue? Or can I secretly do mut'ah?

I'm aware of the religious benefits of marrying early and such.

Jazakallah

If not being married is causing you to go toward haram or to do haram, it is wajib, not mustahab for you to get married, whether that means muta' or zawaj nikah. If anyone would like to challenge me on that point, I am ready for it. At that point you cannot listen to your parents. If you have to choose between doing what Allah(s.w.a) wants you to do and what your parents want you to do, well the choice should be obvious. 

If not being married is not causing you to go toward haram or to do haram, then it is up to you whether you want to listen to them or not. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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22 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

If not being married is causing you to go toward haram or to do haram, it is wajib, not mustahab for you to get married, whether that means muta' or zawaj nikah. If anyone would like to challenge me on that point, I am ready for it. At that point you cannot listen to your parents. If you have to choose between doing what Allah(s.w.a) wants you to do and what your parents want you to do, well the choice should be obvious. 

If not being married is not causing you to go toward haram or to do haram, then it is up to you whether you want to listen to them or not. 

Thank you brother Abu Hadi, It has been causing me to go towards haram. I constantly feel guilty and ask for istighfar for the things that I do. I'm glad to hear that it is wajib and not mustahab anymore. That takes away a lot of stress :)

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My advice for you is to find a person thats compatible with you and that you love and she also loves you and ask for her hand for marriage, if not then just teach yourself on how to control on your feelings ( I know it’s easier said then done, I’ve been down that  road before and it was challenging  being a extremely young teenager, once you’ve got the hang of it you’ll be living life without worries), try doing any hobbies that you like to distract you from those feelings or hang out with your mates for example going to movies (watching appropriate movies that won’t get you excited if you know what I mean), going to restaurant, going to a short trip with the boys or even playing some ps4 with your mates. Once you learned how to control feelings you won’t struggle or have strong urge to filfull your sexual desires. I absolutely do not recommend doing mutah with a Jew or a Christian girl because if you have an opsy then your stuck and you and the poor girl will go through extreme misery and stress at a young age and you will have to marry her. If you do plan to do mutah then just take precaution and use double or triple birth control to be safe. And also remember just like Muslim families or girls, Jewish and Christian families or girls also don’t give away their daughter that easy nor does the girl put that in mind, usually people like to generalise most Jew or Christian girls would give them selves away just like that. Even if you explain it to them, there just like Muslim girls, they won’t say yes easily or would do it. 

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2 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

If not being married is causing you to go toward haram or to do haram, it is wajib, not mustahab for you to get married

I always found that very vague, though there are narrations that seem to imply that even masturbation must be resolved through marriage.

But again, that general rule seem to be too "general", because almost any unmarried guy must obligatory marry. I have usually interpreted that as if you don't have patience to practice patience anymore*, then you should just marry. That would make more sense, even though it is not what our narrations seem to imply.

* I should clarify here that by someone who practices patience I am referring to those who do a genuine effort to control themselves but may as well have ocassional slips.

Edited by Bakir

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7 hours ago, Bakir said:

I always found that very vague, though there are narrations that seem to imply that even masturbation must be resolved through marriage.

But again, that general rule seem to be too "general", because almost any unmarried guy must obligatory marry. I have usually interpreted that as if you don't have patience to practice patience anymore*, then you should just marry. That would make more sense, even though it is not what our narrations seem to imply.

* I should clarify here that by someone who practices patience I am referring to those who do a genuine effort to control themselves but may as well have ocassional slips.

It is not vague. One of the main reasons to get married is to protect yourself from haram. 

There is a big myth, that is believed by most brothers and sisters and most parents that occasional 'slips' will stay as ocassional 'slips', and then when I/my son/daughter is a phD, pharmacist, doctor, engineer, they will do taubah, go to Hajj/Ziyarat and everything will be ok. This is a myth because the 'ruh' or soul never stays static, it is constantly moving, either toward Allah(s.w.a) or away from Him(s.w.a). 

It is a myth because there are sooooo many hadith that discuss how one haram leads to another haram, and to bigger and bigger haram, and this is an exponential process until it reaches a point where the Iman and Taqwa is gone and the person is either a kafir (they have explicitly left the religion) or a munafiq(they claim to be muslim/a but their actions are 180 degrees opposite). 

Since we believe that everyone is born muslim, and that Islam is such a wonderful religion with so much wisdom and beauty in it, why on earth would anyone leave it, and why on earth do we have so many sinful people who were born muslim ? I guarantee you none of those people who are now sinners, kafir, munafiq set out in life with the intention to be that way. It happened gradually over time, and it happened because they tolerated occasional 'slips' which became more ocassional slips, which became, x, y, and z, and then finally they became what they became. They were good muslim(a) at one point, just like maybe some of us are, but they had an inflated view of themselves and overestimated their tolerance for haram, and probably their family and others around them helped them in that assumption. 

I tell those parents who think this way, what good is it going to do you if your son / daughter is a doctor, pharmacist, phD, engineer, but they lost their Iman and their religion is gone and they have no more attachment to Islam, Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) or Ahl Al Bayt(a.s). As Prophet Esa(p.b.u.h) said, 'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul'. If you don't believe this can happen to your child, all you need to do is look around you. You think your child is immune from this, they are not. They are a human being, like everyone else. Also, if your kids get married early, it does not mean they will never finish their education or have a middle class life. They might not have it on the time scale you are expecting and they might take a different path to get it, but Allah(s.w.a) helps those who obey Him(s.w.a). The main job of a parent is to teach their children the religion and do whatever they can to preserve their Iman and Taqwa, as much as they have the ability. If that means suffering some short term financial loss, and being 'talked about' in the community, to me it is definitely worth it. 

 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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11 hours ago, hasanhh said:

What a bait-and-switch! Similar ploy as the old two-can-live-cheaper-than-one garbage (yeah --it is for the wife).

lnto the feed trough is not where most of the money disappears. There lS: the clothes, furniture, always-destitute relatives, jewels, dust-collectors, some friend's kid birthday, her own car, insurance,  shoes, matching purses, ... l am making myself sick. :fever:

 

Ok, well if you can't afford a wife you can't. 

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If you are unable to do Mut'ah or Nikah - 

If a Muslim cannot marry soon after puberty, then he or she just has two options: temporary abstinence or temporary marriage. (A) Temporary Abstinence Islam has allowed marriage as soon as a person becomes physically mature, and it also strongly recommends that at least during the early years of marriage to adopt a simple life-style so that the lack or paucity of financial resources does not obstruct a happy life. But if a person decides, for whatever reason, not to marry soon after he or she becomes physically mature, then the only way is to adopt temporary abstinence. After strongly recommending the marriage of single people, the Qur'an says, "And those who cannot marry should practice restrain (or abstinence) till Allah enriches them out of His bounty." (24:33)

However, abstinence from all the forbidden ways of fulfilling the sexual urge is not easy. Therefore, a few guide-lines would not be out of place.

Once a man came to the Prophet and said, "I do not have the (financial) ability to marry; therefore, I have come to complain about my singleness." The Prophet advised him how to control his sexual urge by saying, "Leave the hair of your body and fast continuously."18 By saying that "leave the hair of your body," the Prophet is asking not to remove the hair which grows on pubic area, chest, etc, by shaving or using lotion or wax; rather one should just trim the hair.

This hadith is indicating that removing the excessive hair increases one's sexual urge. (Probably, that is why the shari'ah has recommended the men to shave the excessive hair every forty days, and the women to remove the excessive hair by lotion or cream every twenty days.) In retrospect, it means that not removing the hair will decrease the sexual desire and help the person in abstinence. Imam 'Ali says, "Whenever a person's hair increases, his sexual desires have also decreased."19 I have not yet come across any scientific discussion on the relationship between removing of the hair and sexual urge, but I am told that the hakims believed that removing the hair from the pubic area increased the chances of direct pressure on that area and, consequently, the blood flow to the sexual organs.

The other method of decreasing the sexual urge is fasting. It is obvious that one of the greatest benefits of fasting is the strengthening of one's will power. And no doubt, abstinence in the sexual context mostly depends on the will-power of the person. So fasting will strengthen the will-power of the person and make it easier for him or her to restrain the sexual feelings.

 

 

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