My parents won't let me do my eyebrows (Sisters Only)

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

Asalam alaikum,

My nationality is Iraqi and I have been brought up in a religious family with strict rules, such as not being able to do my eyebrows. Now, I know that is something that I shouldn't take so seriously, but it just bothers me how I'm almost turning 18 and I still don't have the freedom to do it when I'm old enough

I have plucked my eyebrows before and my parents have noticed me twice, which they got very mad and were about to lose their trust with me. I used to have a monbrow and I just didn't like the way it stood out, and they were quite bushy. I didn't really shape them though and parents wouldn't even let me do my unibrow atleast

When I asked why, they kept saying that it's haram because I'm beautifying myself more and looking more attractive infront of people, BUT WHO AM I TRYING TO IMPRESS?! i already said that to them, plus my  mum already does them anyway and she tells me that I'll be only be able to do it when I get married

But like why do I have to wait another 5 or 6 years just to do them and why do I have to get married just so that I can get the freedom of doing them like seriously

I even asked sayyid sistani about it and he said there's no problem, and even when I tell them that they won't listen and say that I shouldn't disobey my parents

It usually makes me feel insecure and I lose my confidence

It's not like I fully did them, I just wanted to make them look better 

If I tell them how I feel, they'll make a big deal and start telling me that there's nothing wrong with my brows but the way I see them is different

I'm only doing it for myself not for anyone else 

Some of youse may say that I shouldn't care about how I look or how my brows are shaped, which I know that's true, but it still annoys me that my parents make such a huge deal about it. What's gonna happen if I just get rid of a few strands of hair on my face 

I'm scared to convince them now again, and if I do they might say stuff that really irritates me and i get angry and start talking back about their culture

sorry for the long essay but I just really felt like ranting

How am I supposed to convince them now that I'm becoming an adult, what am I supposed to do? Any advice that will help me worry less about this issue

Has anyone also been through the same thing??

fee amanillah

[Islandsandmirrors 3,251]

Your parents not letting you pluck your eyebrows is a cultural, and not religious issue. Unfortunately, or fortunately, unless you have naturally thin and shapely brows, women plucking their brows is a part of grooming/taking care of yourself these days, just like waxing the mustache. (Only in my grandmas time did women start plucking their brows after marriage — and that was almost 80 years ago.) Unibrows should be gone entirely. Try to let them know that plucking the eyebrows is not beautification, but cleanliness. By plucking your eyebrows, your face looks much cleaner. A woman not plucking her brows would make her look a bit untidy. 

Them saying that you’ll only be allowed to do it once you’re married is wrong since what if you never get married? Should you never pluck your eyebrows? What they are saying is illogical. Yes, you should obey your parents, especially when you’re in harm or are in the pathway to doing haram, but this is not the case here. It’s not haram to pluck your brows. So they are digging their heels firmly into cultural and personal biases and not Islam. And they are using the “obey your parents” line to guilt-trip you into not plucking your brows.

I would suggest cleaning your brows slowly by removing the stray hairs, and only do that for a while until they get used to it. You must continue doing this until they understand the concept of self-care. 

Edited August 21, 2018 by Islandsandmirrors

[Carlzone 1,382]

If you asked sayyid Sistanis Office and they said it's allowed, why is there an issue? 

I went through the exact same thing with my parents and it only hurt me. There were no benefits whatsoever.

I can't tell you what to do or what your intentions are. That's something you have to figure out. 

I wish I had asked my marja at that point. 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

17 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Your parents not letting you pluck your eyebrows is a cultural, and not religious issue. Unfortunately, or fortunately, unless you have naturally thin and shapely brows, women plucking their brows is a part of grooming/taking care of yourself these days, just like waxing the mustache. (Only in my grandmas time did women start plucking their brows after marriage — and that was almost 80 years ago.) Unibrows should be gone entirely. Try to let them know that plucking the eyebrows is not beautification, but cleanliness. By plucking your eyebrows, your face looks much cleaner. A woman not plucking her brows would make her look a bit untidy. 

Them saying that you’ll only be allowed to do it once you’re married is wrong since what if you never get married? Should you never pluck your eyebrows? What they are saying is illogical. Yes, you should obey your parents, especially when you’re in harm or are in the pathway to doing haram, but this is not the case here. It’s not haram to pluck your brows. So they are digging their heels firmly into cultural and personal biases and not Islam. And they are using the “obey your parents” line to guilt-trip you into not plucking your brows.

I would suggest cleaning your brows slowly by removing the stray hairs, and only do that for a while until they get used to it. You must continue doing this until they understand the concept of self-care. 

what you're saying is so true, it has got nothing to do with religion

I have been lowkey doing them for the past weeks, and I've tried to convince them before, but they just keep saying its haram when i know its not, they keep saying stuff like its ayb and a girl should do it only when she gets engaged or married smh..

it doesnt make sense 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

31 minutes ago, Carlzone said:

If you asked sayyid Sistanis Office and they said it's allowed, why is there an issue? 

I went through the exact same thing with my parents and it only hurt me. There were no benefits whatsoever.

I can't tell you what to do or what your intentions are. That's something you have to figure out. 

I wish I had asked my marja at that point. 

Because they still think its ayb(shameful), there's a difference between what's ayb and whats haram, which pisses me off because my intention isn't to impress the guys, it's for myself

oh well inshallah they will understand at some point

[Carlzone 1,382]

19 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Because they still think its ayb(shameful), there's a difference between what's ayb and whats haram, which pisses me off because my intention isn't to impress the guys, it's for myself

oh well inshallah they will understand at some point

If it was that ayb I'm sure our marja3 would have taken that into consideration before allowing it. 

[eloquence 413]

I know it's hard when you want to do something but are afraid of hurting your parents. Maybe you can clean them up without shaping them so it's less obvious you got them done? Your parents may not notice

[Carlzone 1,382]

Pluck one hair a day so they don't notice the slow gradual change 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

13 hours ago, eloquence said:

I know it's hard when you want to do something but are afraid of hurting your parents. Maybe you can clean them up without shaping them so it's less obvious you got them done? Your parents may not notice

I've been doing that, but sometimes when she would ask if i still pluck them i keep lying to her and it just makes me feel bad, I haven't been using tweezers tho

[eloquence 413]

I think it's probably best to tell her that you have done them and you will (if you want to keep doing them, instead of lying.) Also that it's allowed and you're not doing anything wrong. This is going to be a big thing for them probably because it's like you're disobeying them and our parents don't take kindly to this kind of thing. But this is something small really and if they won't let you do this, what else will they stop you from? 

[Carlzone 1,382]

Dont lie. That is a sin. Plucking your brows is not a sin. 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

On 8/22/2018 at 9:27 AM, eloquence said:

I think it's probably best to tell her that you have done them and you will (if you want to keep doing them, instead of lying.) Also that it's allowed and you're not doing anything wrong. This is going to be a big thing for them probably because it's like you're disobeying them and our parents don't take kindly to this kind of thing. But this is something small really and if they won't let you do this, what else will they stop you from? 

I can’t u do not understand the amount of trouble I'll get into, I can’t just go up to her an be like mum ive been doing my brows im sorry I didnt tell you bc she made me promise not to do them anymore

It is something small but to them its big

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

Salam alaikum,

I haven't been on shiachat for a long time, but I'm really angry and upset and I just don't know what to do 

this is the third time my mum has caught me doing them, and I cannot describe how angry she was. I cried and told her that I do not want my monobrow to grow back but I don't know why she wants it to 

then she keeps saying that it's haram and even if I tell her it's not she says that it is and I cannot argue with her anymore since she made the decision to not talk to me anymore and she even wished bad for me

she was almost going to tell me dad but I begged her not to. And now I don't know what to do bc I don't think she's going to accept my apology even though I ain't really sorry bc I don't know y it's such a huge deal.

theyve explained to me why and all, but it doesn't make sense bc Sayyid Sistani says it's permissible and bc I did them she starts saying I'm a bad person 

I don't know how long she'll stay mad at me for

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

I was never self conscious about them but I only started to worry about them since last year and this is a part of growing up 

[2Timeless 1,913]

13 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

I was never self conscious about them but I only started to worry about them since last year and this is a part of growing up 

I'm so sorry you need to go through that. I don't get why they're saying it's haram though. If you provided backing from your own marja that proves it's halal, why do they still forbid you from doing it?

Have you tried getting other family members involved? Like an aunt or grandma or someone your parents hold in high regard. I don't know what else to say honestly. 

If it makes you feel any better, I also had a monobrow and I used to hate it so much. Ever since I was like 5 or 6 I used to beg my mum to just get rid of it. I also got a little bit of bullying because of my "bushy eyebrows" and it really did lower my self esteem for a long long time. My mum just told me I'd get them done when I get married but she ended up letting me to get rid of the monobrow at 14 and shape them at 16. Most mothers I know are like that. Anyhow, after I got my eyebrows done, I started getting so many compliments, so although I borderline hated myself for the monobrow, my eyebrows are now one of my best features. Just look forward to that. Look forward to having eyebrows alot of girls would die for lol. 

Also, could you like have a trade with your mum? Ask her to allow you to only pluck the middle of your eyebrows in exchange of something? Like going out or pocket money or something like that? 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

15 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

I'm so sorry you need to go through that. I don't get why they're saying it's haram though. If you provided backing from your own marja that proves it's halal, why do they still forbid you from doing it?

Have you tried getting other family members involved? Like an aunt or grandma or someone your parents hold in high regard. I don't know what else to say honestly. 

If it makes you feel any better, I also had a monobrow and I used to hate it so much. Ever since I was like 5 or 6 I used to beg my mum to just get rid of it. I also got a little bit of bullying because of my "bushy eyebrows" and it really did lower my self esteem for a long long time. My mum just told me I'd get them done when I get married but she ended up letting me to get rid of the monobrow at 14 and shape them at 16. Most mothers I know are like that. Anyhow, after I got my eyebrows done, I started getting so many compliments, so although I borderline hated myself for the monobrow, my eyebrows are now one of my best features. Just look forward to that. Look forward to having eyebrows alot of girls would die for lol. 

Also, could you like have a trade with your mum? Ask her to allow you to only pluck the middle of your eyebrows in exchange of something? Like going out or pocket money or something like that? 

I don't have contact with any other family members, they're all in iraq and even if i do get them involved I'll be in more trouble

That exchanging thing isn't gonna work, she's gonna go all mad again and is gonna say that I'm pushing her to make her listen to me, if that makes sense 

yes as you can see my family have been brought up in a very conservative society so nothings gonna change their minds unless some kind of miracle happens to hit their minds with a bit of common sense 

What's pissing me off more is the fact they want my monobrow to grow back, LIKE THEY ACTUALLY WANT IT TO GROW BACK!! LIKE WHYYY??

[2Timeless 1,913]

18 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

What's pissing me off more is the fact they want my monobrow to grow back, LIKE THEY ACTUALLY WANT IT TO GROW BACK!! LIKE WHYYY??

Probably bad advice, but what if you just keep plucking the middle and pretend that it's just not growing back? Just leave a few thin hairs. Because it is a little true, when you start plucking your hair does get a little thinner. Again, probably bad advice, and don't do it if they won't believe you or if it's haram. 

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

1 hour ago, 2Timeless said:

Probably bad advice, but what if you just keep plucking the middle and pretend that it's just not growing back? Just leave a few thin hairs. Because it is a little true, when you start plucking your hair does get a little thinner. Again, probably bad advice, and don't do it if they won't believe you or if it's haram. 

well you know i have tried that.. for a very long time the minute they grow i would get rid of it so they wont notice and they suspected that bc they were wondering why the hell it aint growing back no more

i have tried to pretend and act like it stopped growing but still my parents found out

lets just see how it grows back

[Guest Ugh]

I don’t have a mono brow but I have a uni brow and it has been bothering me since elementary school. 

I first noticed in 1st grade I didn’t look exactly like the other girls and just brushed the thought off, then a girl in my table group looked at me weirdly and basically the rest of the table group bullied me. I held in tears. (Some how I thought it was about my appearance, it probably was bc I was the only brown skinned, curly haired one there).

A couple years later, I made 2 best friends, (one now is a toxic rude person which I still know), and the other is still nice. Toxic “friend” brought it up. That’s where my all ready strong dislike of my eyebrows escalated to hate.

many small things led up to my self consciousness, mind u I am not allowed to wax my eyebrows STILL and I am a teen and every other girl I knew didn’t have eyebrows like mine and eyebrows really frame ur face in my opinion

~* Advice on convincing my mom? *~

[Guest itsAwonderfullWorld]

but it is quiet curious if all of us lived in the stone ages most woman would be walking around with facial hair etc some maybe even more than men

makes u wonder in the time of the Prophet how those kind of things were, surely they didnt have the tools we have today so everything was as natural as it gets

and also makes you wonder is it our society today that actually caused all the extra hair growth cause of all the generation of plucking and shaving or was things just always messy and without order back then and before than

[3wliya_maryam 1,334]

On 1/19/2020 at 6:07 AM, Guest Ugh said:

I don’t have a mono brow but I have a uni brow and it has been bothering me since elementary school. 

I first noticed in 1st grade I didn’t look exactly like the other girls and just brushed the thought off, then a girl in my table group looked at me weirdly and basically the rest of the table group bullied me. I held in tears. (Some how I thought it was about my appearance, it probably was bc I was the only brown skinned, curly haired one there).

A couple years later, I made 2 best friends, (one now is a toxic rude person which I still know), and the other is still nice. Toxic “friend” brought it up. That’s where my all ready strong dislike of my eyebrows escalated to hate.

many small things led up to my self consciousness, mind u I am not allowed to wax my eyebrows STILL and I am a teen and every other girl I knew didn’t have eyebrows like mine and eyebrows really frame ur face in my opinion

~* Advice on convincing my mom? *~

Salam alaikum,

I forgot this thread even existed

If you don't mind telling me how old are you? 

If I were you, I'd take the risk and just take it off. Our comfort and happiness matters more, and we shouldn't let our parents get in the way of that. I understand how hard it must be fore you, and it really sucks. Have you told your mum about the bullies? If that still hasn't convinced her, then as I said literally take the risk.

Like you, I always brushed it off and thought it was nothing. But when I turned 16, I was surrounded by different people and began to feel self conscious. One of my friends pointed out that my brows were too hairy. Then I'd get anonymous messages on a site called Sarahah that my brows were messed up. What made me more upset was that after I attempted to do them I recieved compliments and even one girl telling me how they used to look so bad. Thinking about how I showed up to school with all that hair made me feel even more insecure.

I tried convincing my parents to let me do them, and it wasn't for any bad intention, but they wont ever listen thinking that it could ruin my reputation. And sometimes our parents care more about the community's view on the family's image rather than our own feelings. Since they'd never let me, I started to become rebellious. I kept doing them behind their backs, and every time I got caught doing them, they'd give me silent treatment until I forcefully came out and apologised. That never stopped me though, so I continuously did them until they forced themselves to accept the change within me, especially since I was already in uni. So alhamdullilah, things changed.

And I pray that it will be easier for you sister, because no girl deserves to be in such pressure of not wanting to maintain cleanliness.

fee amanillah

[Lilly14 239]

When I was a teen several years ago, my mom didn't let me even pluck my monobrow either, despite the fact that we lived in the west and a monobrow is grounds for bullying especially, in my teenage years where all girls had almost razor thin eyebrows. When I was 18/19 I ended up triming the center of my eyebrow to make it seem less noticeable, which mitigated her her problem with me plucking my monobrow. 

I'm actually glad she didn't push me to pluck my eyebrows when I went to college like some aunties have insisted I do, because those who overpluck their eyebrows have trouble growing them back if they can grow them back at all. And thicker eyebrows make women look more youthful. And besides the monobrow problem, I truly believe a woman's natural eyebrow shape matches her face the best.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Lilly14

[Guest Fatimah]

On 8/24/2018 at 5:53 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

I can’t u do not understand the amount of trouble I'll get into, I can’t just go up to her an be like mum ive been doing my brows im sorry I didnt tell you bc she made me promise not to do them anymore

It is something small but to them its big

I understand, I’m iraqi too and when i did my eyebrows my mom noticed and kept yelling at me but i kept doing it a little so my dad doesn’t notice bc he’s the strict one, my mom got used to it tho. i’m scared to ask my dad to let me get them done bc iraqi dads are not it. my dad doesn’t say it’s haram tho he’s just worried abt his reputation smhh that’s wall he cares abt. but don’t tell your parents they are gonna be really dramatic and make it the biggest deal and you’ll get in hella trouble.