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crookedshelf

Is what I want to do allowed?/relationship/marriage/parental advice

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Hello, I just want to give a brief background on my past situation and then my current situation. Can you please help me by telling me the truth backed with sources if it is halal for me to do this? Thank you

 

I was proposed to by a man (he is Shia) who I know to be extremely respectful, hard-working and kind (which is very hard to find in general and especially in our society to be honest). However, my family prevented and forbade me from marrying him for one reason only- and that is his nationality. In our country, nationality is as important as the sect (due to culture/traditions etc.) and I had too much respect for my parents to disobey them and I know in Islam disobedience to parents is haram. I also didn't have the heart to hurt my mother even though I have never wanted anything as badly as to get married to that specific person. Please note that I did not do anything haram with this man.

I became very depressed as I am already in my very late 20's and it was my first time actually wanting to get married. The same night I cried and did ziyaraat ashura  for 40 nights because I wanted God to let us be together. I found out months later that there was a very high chance he will be able to get the same nationality as I have but it will take around 3-5 years.

It has been two and a half years since he proposed and we are still good friends and it is very obvious that he has the same intentions. I know you might think its easy to find someone else but I don't want to get married just for the sake of getting married. I want someone who understands me on an intellectual basis, respects me, motivates me to work harder, is not an angry person etc. and he has all those qualities.

Is it possible to engage in some sort of mut'aa marriage even though I don't want to have sex (I only would do that if its a permanant marriage). i just want to feel like I am with my partner (hold hands, kiss etc.). We have every intention of getting married when he gets his nationality but the wait is just very frustrating. I feel like my whole life is on hold over a very stupid condition from my parents. I have decided that even if they do not allow me to get married when he gets his nationality- I will still get married as I believe it is something they will be able to tolerate long term. But for now I feel very frustrated that I can't marry him due to something so small and I don't want to lose him as he is the most respectful person I have ever met.

Please can you help guide me if I am doing something wrong or have parental advice on how to handle this situation? 

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5 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

 

Hello, I just want to give a brief background on my past situation and then my current situation. Can you please help me by telling me the truth backed with sources if it is halal for me to do this? Thank you

 

I was proposed to by a man (he is Shia) who I know to be extremely respectful, hard-working and kind (which is very hard to find in general and especially in our society to be honest). However, my family prevented and forbade me from marrying him for one reason only- and that is his nationality. In our country, nationality is as important as the sect (due to culture/traditions etc.) and I had too much respect for my parents to disobey them and I know in Islam disobedience to parents is haram. I also didn't have the heart to hurt my mother even though I have never wanted anything as badly as to get married to that specific person. Please note that I did not do anything haram with this man.

I became very depressed as I am already in my very late 20's and it was my first time actually wanting to get married. The same night I cried and did ziyaraat ashura  for 40 nights because I wanted God to let us be together. I found out months later that there was a very high chance he will be able to get the same nationality as I have but it will take around 3-5 years.

It has been two and a half years since he proposed and we are still good friends and it is very obvious that he has the same intentions. I know you might think its easy to find someone else but I don't want to get married just for the sake of getting married. I want someone who understands me on an intellectual basis, respects me, motivates me to work harder, is not an angry person etc. and he has all those qualities.

Is it possible to engage in some sort of mut'aa marriage even though I don't want to have sex (I only would do that if its a permanant marriage). i just want to feel like I am with my partner (hold hands, kiss etc.). We have every intention of getting married when he gets his nationality but the wait is just very frustrating. I feel like my whole life is on hold over a very stupid condition from my parents. I have decided that even if they do not allow me to get married when he gets his nationality- I will still get married as I believe it is something they will be able to tolerate long term. But for now I feel very frustrated that I can't marry him due to something so small and I don't want to lose him as he is the most respectful person I have ever met.

Please can you help guide me if I am doing something wrong or have parental advice on how to handle this situation? 

Your parents excuse is not a legitimate excuse you can marry him without having to ask for your fathers permission nor does he have to ask your fathers permission since his reason is not valid according to Islam, there’s no need to stress or be upset about it, can enter mutah marraige and put in the contract no sexual intercourse, you guys can go out together hold hands and etc without having the burden of sin. 

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Thank you for replying, you have no idea how much better you made me feel. I guess I have a lot of guilt feeling like I am obligated to be obedient to my parents, which is why I haven't married him yet. I am hoping being patient to satisfy both parties. Allah is kind and bless you for answering.

 

Does there have to be anything on paper or can it be a verbal understanding between us?

 

Thank you

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7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

However, my family prevented and forbade me from marrying him for one reason only- and that is his nationality.

What Nationality are you? What is he?

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

I have never wanted anything as badly as to get married to that specific person.

Have you told your parents this ?

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

The same night I cried and did ziyaraat ashura  for 40 nights because I wanted God to let us be together.

Allah in his infinite love and mercy has heard your prayers. In time you will see the result to your prayers in a manner and time that He feels is best for you in ways you can't understand.

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

I found out months later that there was a very high chance he will be able to get the same nationality as I have but it will take around 3-5 years.

Do explain. 

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

We have every intention of getting married when he gets his nationality but the wait is just very frustrating.

Are you speaking of Immigration status?

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

But for now I feel very frustrated that I can't marry him due to something so small

and that is the Nationality/Immigration issue? Are you speaking on a Cultural matter or on a Legal one?

 

7 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

Please can you help guide me if I am doing something wrong or have parental advice on how to handle this situation? 

Well, your first step would have to be to inform your parents of your feelings and intentions. As you mentioned you don't want to hurt your Mom so you'll have to decide how you want to handle that. Probably same for your Dad. 

As far as the Cultural aspect goes. Disregard it. Most Cultural things such as this are just petty things made important by petty people. Nowhere in Islam does it put an emphasis on race, in fact it encourages a mixing of the races to promote unity and discourage racism. If you parents play the race card then just ask them what race the mothers of our Imams (AS) were.

As far as the Nationality issue goes, is it an Immigration issue? If so, then that's just a matter of time. What country do you live in?

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1 hour ago, Akbar673 said:

What Nationality are you? What is he?

Have you told your parents this ?

Allah in his infinite love and mercy has heard your prayers. In time you will see the result to your prayers in a manner and time that He feels is best for you in ways you can't understand.

Do explain. 

Are you speaking of Immigration status?

and that is the Nationality/Immigration issue? Are you speaking on a Cultural matter or on a Legal one?

 

Well, your first step would have to be to inform your parents of your feelings and intentions. As you mentioned you don't want to hurt your Mom so you'll have to decide how you want to handle that. Probably same for your Dad. 

As far as the Cultural aspect goes. Disregard it. Most Cultural things such as this are just petty things made important by petty people. Nowhere in Islam does it put an emphasis on race, in fact it encourages a mixing of the races to promote unity and discourage racism. If you parents play the race card then just ask them what race the mothers of our Imams (AS) were.

As far as the Nationality issue goes, is it an Immigration issue? If so, then that's just a matter of time. What country do you live in?

Hello

I dont want to send too much detail here is people I know use this blog. I tried to send you a private message but I couldn't for some reason. 

In our country- if the parents get divorced, then the children obtain the nationality of the mother, who has the same nationality as I do. My dad doesn't have a role like my mother. My mother makes the decisions and my dad supports her.

It's of a cultural matter. Is it weak of me not to stand up to my parents and get married? It is just I know my mother well- she overeacts to the slightest thing outside her comfort zone and since no one in the family has married a "foreigner" before- it would be to her as if I committed blasphemy.

It's very sad because many people marry "nationals" and end up getting divorced because they are cruel, disinterested and I found someone who is on my level but because of something so stupid, i am facing this issue :((

 

Please pray for me

thank you

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9 hours ago, crookedshelf said:

Does there have to be anything on paper or can it be a verbal understanding between us?

 

You can either do the contract orally or on paper, tbh I’d go with paper just in case things happen, you’s have to go to a  shiek to do the contract, you don’t need any witnesses (it’s only recommended) 

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He has to ask your father first, but if your father refuses for unislamic reason, you may proceed with the marriage anyway. 

A verbal agreement is acceptable, but it's always better to get it in writing. 

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You do NOT need to wait till he gets your nationality. If I were you, I would tell my parents that I want to marry him. You are ready to wait 3-5 years, wait and think of him days and nights, etc., but you are not ready to talk with your parents. Why? You are 20 years old. Talk with your parents respectfully and try to convince them they are wrong on nationality. Non of Ahlulbait told us reject a person's proposal that has different nationality.

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6 hours ago, Anonymous2144 said:

You can either do the contract orally or on paper, tbh I’d go with paper just in case things happen, you’s have to go to a  shiek to do the contract, you don’t need any witnesses (it’s only recommended) 

thank you

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3 hours ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

You do NOT need to wait till he gets your nationality. If I were you, I would tell my parents that I want to marry him. You are ready to wait 3-5 years, wait and think of him days and nights, etc., but you are not ready to talk with your parents. Why? You are 20 years old. Talk with your parents respectfully and try to convince them they are wrong on nationality. Non of Ahlulbait told us reject a person's proposal that has different nationality.

I told them this the first time he proposed- you would not believe how much drama happened, it was so scary. The only fear I have from my mother is that I feel guilted in that she might suffer a health issue. If that wasn't a factor I feel I might have been strong enough to do it. I talked to them but my mother's excuse would be wha would her father (my grandfather) say. It's just a cycle of kids not wanting to upset their parents in my family. It's been a very difficult couple of years because my family have seen that I am sadder and that I have chnaged but they just pretend they don't notice because they want things their way.

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@crookedshelf salam, i just read through your thread and started tearing up. im in a very similar situation, my parents won't allow it because he is from a differently nationality to me. i think my mother knows how depressed i am about it but pretends not to notice. im seeing a psychologist at the moment and i quit my studying because the sadness has become so strong, the past few months i haven't really gone out too much. i don't think anyone knows how hard it is unless they go through it themselves. the person who i want to marry is also as amazing as you explained the man you want to marry and i agree with you that in this society, its really hard to find, i got into my religion so much more after i met him, i started realising how important prayer is because of him and have never missed a prayer since then, im more curious about my religion and i want to know everything because of him. im 22 and believe i had a rough life and Allah sent me him and i feel like finally, Allah has blessed me and i am genuinely happy alhamdulillah. i pray to Allah everyday, most days im crying during prayer wanting an answer if im meant to give up on him or not... it might be wrong to say but i wish Allah can tell me everything will be okay, i wish i can have a conversation with him and he can tell me what to do.

i hope it gets better for you, inshallah you'll get through this and when you finally marry this man, you will forget your hurt. praying for you :)

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@crookedshelf

Make sure you follow Mutah conditions like father permission etc.

I'm surprised why you guys are ready to go under so much pressure and come up with complicated solutions, but you don't speak up with your parents. They are your parents. After insisting for some time, they finally agree.

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5 hours ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

@crookedshelf

Make sure you follow Mutah conditions like father permission etc.

I'm surprised why you guys are ready to go under so much pressure and come up with complicated solutions, but you don't speak up with your parents. They are your parents. After insisting for some time, they finally agree.

Not all marja require parents permission even if she’s a virgin, if she wants to do mutah and her parents disagree because the view it as a taboo or because of the guys nationality then it’s gonna be really difficult for her. She’s better of looking at other marja’s opinion and see their rulings on parents permission. 

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On 7/22/2018 at 12:38 PM, fatma93 said:

@crookedshelf salam, i just read through your thread and started tearing up. im in a very similar situation, my parents won't allow it because he is from a differently nationality to me. i think my mother knows how depressed i am about it but pretends not to notice. im seeing a psychologist at the moment and i quit my studying because the sadness has become so strong, the past few months i haven't really gone out too much. i don't think anyone knows how hard it is unless they go through it themselves. the person who i want to marry is also as amazing as you explained the man you want to marry and i agree with you that in this society, its really hard to find, i got into my religion so much more after i met him, i started realising how important prayer is because of him and have never missed a prayer since then, im more curious about my religion and i want to know everything because of him. im 22 and believe i had a rough life and Allah sent me him and i feel like finally, Allah has blessed me and i am genuinely happy alhamdulillah. i pray to Allah everyday, most days im crying during prayer wanting an answer if im meant to give up on him or not... it might be wrong to say but i wish Allah can tell me everything will be okay, i wish i can have a conversation with him and he can tell me what to do.

i hope it gets better for you, inshallah you'll get through this and when you finally marry this man, you will forget your hurt. praying for you :)

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. My heart is aching for you. I wish all the best for you. I started to feel a lot better after doing ziyaraat ashura, I suggest you do the same. I agree, it is difficult to understand unless you have been through the same thing. I really advise that you keep yourself busy, it will be better for your mental health. You can talk to me anytime if you want to <3

I don't know if you have friends you can trust to talk about it (I don't because everyone knows each other in my community) but if you do- I suggest you ask them help you get out more and do things you have always wanted to do. I have found that doing things I had always wanted to do makes everyday a little less painful. I wish you all the best and I will always remember you in all my prayers.

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On 7/23/2018 at 6:17 AM, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

@crookedshelf

Make sure you follow Mutah conditions like father permission etc.

I'm surprised why you guys are ready to go under so much pressure and come up with complicated solutions, but you don't speak up with your parents. They are your parents. After insisting for some time, they finally agree.

 

Some parents are difficult to talk to you. They grew up with the same traditions as their parents and so are very rigid to change. The thought of deviating from a traditional role to them seems like you are doing something haram. Some societies forgot that culture and religion are different. I have talked to her but she is very stubborn. I still love them with all my heart which is why I respected their decision but inshallah one day I will be able to get married because I really believe God rewards obedience to parents.

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On 7/23/2018 at 11:24 AM, Anonymous2144 said:

Not all marja require parents permission even if she’s a virgin, if she wants to do mutah and her parents disagree because the view it as a taboo or because of the guys nationality then it’s gonna be really difficult for her. She’s better of looking at other marja’s opinion and see their rulings on parents permission. 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate all your advice.

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On 7/20/2018 at 4:59 AM, crookedshelf said:

 

Hello, I just want to give a brief background on my past situation and then my current situation. Can you please help me by telling me the truth backed with sources if it is halal for me to do this? Thank you

 

I was proposed to by a man (he is Shia) who I know to be extremely respectful, hard-working and kind (which is very hard to find in general and especially in our society to be honest). However, my family prevented and forbade me from marrying him for one reason only- and that is his nationality. In our country, nationality is as important as the sect (due to culture/traditions etc.) and I had too much respect for my parents to disobey them and I know in Islam disobedience to parents is haram. I also didn't have the heart to hurt my mother even though I have never wanted anything as badly as to get married to that specific person. Please note that I did not do anything haram with this man.

I became very depressed as I am already in my very late 20's and it was my first time actually wanting to get married. The same night I cried and did ziyaraat ashura  for 40 nights because I wanted God to let us be together. I found out months later that there was a very high chance he will be able to get the same nationality as I have but it will take around 3-5 years.

It has been two and a half years since he proposed and we are still good friends and it is very obvious that he has the same intentions. I know you might think its easy to find someone else but I don't want to get married just for the sake of getting married. I want someone who understands me on an intellectual basis, respects me, motivates me to work harder, is not an angry person etc. and he has all those qualities.

Is it possible to engage in some sort of mut'aa marriage even though I don't want to have sex (I only would do that if its a permanant marriage). i just want to feel like I am with my partner (hold hands, kiss etc.). We have every intention of getting married when he gets his nationality but the wait is just very frustrating. I feel like my whole life is on hold over a very stupid condition from my parents. I have decided that even if they do not allow me to get married when he gets his nationality- I will still get married as I believe it is something they will be able to tolerate long term. But for now I feel very frustrated that I can't marry him due to something so small and I don't want to lose him as he is the most respectful person I have ever met.

Please can you help guide me if I am doing something wrong or have parental advice on how to handle this situation? 

Salaam, as mentioned by others above, marriage cannot be done for a virgin girl without parent's consent if the parents have a VALID objection. This nationality problem is NOT A VALID objection. If you and him are absolutely sure you two are right for each other and are willing to put up with the challenges (BELIEVE me there will be challenges from both households AND personally with you two, because being friends with someone and living with them are two very different things) then you should go ahead right away, inshAllah I hope it works out for everyone.

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