Marriage Istikhara and Family Division

[Moh Reza]

Salam Alykum brothers and sisters,

I apologize that this is a repeated topic, but my situation is a bit different and I seek your advice.  

About 10 months ago, my mother suggested to me her friend's daughter who lives in Canada (We live in New York, 8 hours away from them). 

I agreed. I met the girl and we sat down and discussed many things regarding marriage. I believe she's compatible with me. Her condition was that I move to Canada which I discussed with my parents and they accepted. We went for the proposal and they accepted. Now that we are discussing dates for engagement and stuff, both parents have had disagreements regarding big or small. It has turned toxic between them, mostly from my mother. She's bringing up the past that her friend didn't treat her right 10 years ago or she doesnt want me to move and stuff. Reasonable enough for me because we are only 4 people family and her family is 14 in total. 

Now she's doing istikhara... after 10 months... after the proposal. The girl's family is confused and they disagree with isthikhara in this case. According to my mother, it came out bad. I also disagree with istikhara in this case because I weighted the pros/cons and she's a nice girl. Also, I believe my mother should've done isthikhara before proposal .. 10 months ago. I dont believe istikhara was necessary in this case. 

We both(the girl) have got really attached to each other after 10 months of talking and stuff. 

Any advice, what should I do ? Can I go against istikhara with sadaqa? Any videos/hadiths to tell my mom that istikhara wasnt necessary here ?

Thank you for reading my big problem. Appreciate your advice. May Allah bless you. JA. 

[Abu Hadi]

Istikhara is not wajib or even mustahab when it comes to marriage. If you can make a decision thru aql (logical reasoning and evidence), there is no reason to do Istikhara. Istikhara is only for situations where there are two options that are equally viable, in your estimation, and you can't make a decision thru using aql, either because the aql is not strong or there is too little information available about the available options. 

 

In your case, I don't think Istikhara is appropriate, and you can disregard it, especially if it was done by someone else and you weren't present when it was done nor did you ask them to do it. Istikhara that is done in this way is basically worthless. 

Edited June 28, 2018 by Abu Hadi

[Ashvazdanghe]

23 hours ago, Moh Reza said:

Any advice, what should I do ? Can I go against istikhara with sadaqa? Any videos/hadiths to tell my mom that istikhara wasnt necessary here ?

 

Hi ,you must at first fix your problem with your mother by understanding & fixing  her main problem ,there is something that she really against this marriage but she uses these excuses to hide it ,you must find out what is real problem & fix it before any step forward for marriage.