My dad verbally and emotionally abuses my mom

[Zellali]

First of all, my dad is what in our society (im from islamabad, pakistan) we'd call "religious". He prays five times a day, fasts, gives zakat, knows widely about the religion, and makes sure we know all of that. The part where he strays is that he believes my mom likes to show herself off, and likes the attention of other men. She can't do something as simple as taking a shower and going to work (teaching grade 1 students) the next day, without my dad thinking she's trying impress someone  My mom has sacrificed her life for us, compromised for us  (im the eldest daughter (17) , and i have three younger brothers (12,9,8)), because four years after the marriage he started showing his true colours. Btw, this was an arranged marriage, so none of that "maybe he feels like she'll love someone else". He's just an insecure man, with anger issues, who has never blamed himself for anything or openly apologised for the big arguments HE causes (not in the time ive been alive and been able to understand), thinks he knows best and there is no one better than him, doesn't have ANY real friends, and the one he does have, he constantlysays [Edited Out] about him to my mom, and then goes and places his world to the feet of this friend (btw this friend isnt alll that amazing either, but least he isnt a [Edited Out] bag like my dad( believe me i know)). when i was younger he used to physically abuse and hurt my mom, and he used to hit me too. he even went to saying that I also have a boyfriend when all i did was go upstairs to get a book (apparently there was some guy at the balcony opposite to our house, and i was " trying to communicate with him". i didnt take this lightly and raised voice and finger and started hitting me and dragged me down the stairs, and just like my nine year old self, i wanted to die and just kept repeating ' should have jusy killed me you ass' (this was two years ago). we had video camerasn around the house so mom opened them up, and showed i had done no such thing. he didnt apologise, he didnt even do anything to show remorse, instead justified everything from thefact that a raised my voise and held my finger up. a year ago, i was upset with him for another reason, and i told my mom. i told her to leave it that it was whatever, ill get over it. but she bought it up, and we got into an argument, and i do admit i shouldnt have misbehaved again (only verbally like raising my voice or rolling my eyes) but he got so aggressive and tried to slap me so i stopped him and threw his hand away,,, he went to the kitchen and got a knife , and all i could think agout was my mom cause she was trying to stop him and he kept saying "THIS IS WHY YOU SEE FATHERS KILLING THEIR DAUGHTERs ON THE NEWS" and "YOUVE TAAUGHT THEM NOTNHING YOUNSELFISH, USELESS, (swear word, more swear words, swearing at her family)". 

a couple a days ago, hes started fighting with her again even though its my international exams that make up my grade for my university. in the morning i woke up to my mom begging him to just stop cause he kept saying "i know what you do, i know your actions, i know your disgusting behaviour" (btw we know that this craziness is over once he just starts getting , ok? like it just dies down). as a child, id always step in, even get a few slaps if i had to to get in between him hurting her, but ive grown now and know my duties given to me by Allah, about respecting my parents,  and getting in between ( my mom also keeps saying its just two more years, you'll be off to uni then and everything will be fine, and ' pls dont waste my sacrifices' everytime i want to interfere (hes threatened stopping me from studying several times). ever since i was small my dad has told me to aim for a scholarship because he knew more abput this stuff, but now i think, would he even let me leave the city let alone country to continue studies? 

hes rejected going to a psychologist, talking to anybody (he doesnt believe he has a problem, he thinks my moms the problem) about this, he says we make him angry and that before marriage he was never like this ( he has changed a lot in the sense that my mom and i can wear clothes like jeans but only with long shirts (my moms always worn a duppatta over her head (covers her hair)). cant get my dads side involved firstly, theyd love this. secondly, theyre all like this themselves. his sisters do burka andd all but theyre always free to go wherever whenever, meet whoever. they sometimes go ariund with this 'pir' (guy who does black magic) but if we point that out, all hell would brreak loose on us. (his sisters got married to two brothers, so same household). theyre background is from a not even respectable village, so i cant count on them. cant tell my moms side, they already have their own financial and family issues (my mom doesnt want us four to become a drama in our family, whatever that means cause like our house isnt already a drama). sometimes my mom gets so fed up, she says "MAY Allah TAKE ME SO YOU (my dad) CAN HAPPY AND MARRY ANOTHER WIFE" and now hes started saying " may he, so you burn in hell". he says all these other wives are so obedient and nice, but shes not. he says the money my mom brings in holds no value to him, even though she doesnt get to use it, he uses it all, our groceries and school fees are payed with it (oh and he hasnt had a job in years, sells plots and gets profit, but now none of that is working either so the 'no valued' monry shes been bringijng in since 6 years, is all that is coming into our house. hes in the world where Allah has made him the ' man' of this household, however he doesnt fulfill the duties and says my mom is the reason why there are no blessings in her house. he tells her to leaveher job, and says Allah will provide us with the money, that we'll be fine without hers (our fees are cut 75% short because of her, and we get house groceries, petrol for the car, and whatnot from her salary and our rent (which again is none of his own hardwork, our grandfather gave us this house)).

i know this is very long, but please help me. ive thought about killing myself from the age of 7 to 14, i even used to self harm thinking if he saw me in the state hes put my mind in the pressure and the mistreatement (moms mistreatement is what gets to me, he doesnt do much to my brothers except for the middle one whom he thought wasnt his and rejected him emotionally for four years and now hes become habitual on scolding him the most, and my brother knows my dad rejects him the most but all he does is get upst over it). ive been so patient these pasts months, but ive had enough. this morning i walked in on them , half sleep, holding everything i could grab (like spray bottles, perfumes, my bloody mascara botle) to throw it at him because it seemed llike he was gonna get physical again. please help me, please please pplease

[rkazmi33]

Salam Sister! I am really sorry that you have to go through this. I don't understand women like your mother. If she is strong enough to fulfill all responsibilities while dealing with so much abuse, she is strong enough to leave. Even if she gets abandoned by her own family, at least she will get emotional support from you and your brothers. Also, you have three brothers. In Pakistani society, wife becomes powerful when she has sons. Sons usually support their mother and fathers are a little afraid of their sons. In couple of years, when your brothers become old, things might change.  For now, I will recommend that you should go for  ziarat with your mother. First time when I went, I was also scared that I may not get persmission. But if you make the intention, InshahAllah all obstacles will be removed. You should also convince your mother to leave your father. She has sacrificed a lot for your education but make her understand that in such kind of environment, you will not be able to focus on your studies and you won't be able to do good. You don't have to go abroad to study. Since you live in Islamabad, you can get good education and find a decent job in your city. If you suspect that your relatives are doing black magic on you, then you should contact some alim. I did contact a person online, he told me that there was black magic involved and he told me he will do some amal from Quran to remove the magic. I did give him some money, I am not sure if it worked. I was trying many things to solve my problems. Finally, I will tell you to pray. Go to duas.org and try doing amals from there, especially on 21,23 and 19 nights. InshahAllah things will get better for you. But I will definitely recommend going for ziarat. And ask your mother to get divorce from your father. She will probably tell you that it will be hard for you to get married if she gets divorced, but tell her that people who judge girls based on such criteria, make abusive and ignorant in-laws. You probably don't want a married life like your mother 

[Zellali]

On 6/2/2018 at 2:23 PM, rkazmi33 said:

Even if she gets abandoned by her own family, at least she will get emotional support from you and your brothers

No it’s not about abandonment, I’m sure they would take her up no matter what. My youngest uncle had financial issues almost after he got married (which was nearly 20 years ago) and my eldest (Who is a doctor but didn’t start earning as well since the recent years) had been supporting him and hain family all these years. My youngest aunt (khala) has struggled Financially during her marriage, and my uncle helped. Now, he needs a job and is struggling.

i agree with you, but my mother will never. She IS right that she couldn’t provide us with a shelter, and she can’t support us financially, let alone seperate my brothers from my father (she tells them it’s just the way he is, and it’s no big deal, she wants to keep them in the shadows about this unlike me Who was exposed from a really early age, and now I respond very aggressively towards my father in such situation, although most of the time I might not directly do it), whom my father does a good job of keeping well maintained with. 

On 6/2/2018 at 2:23 PM, rkazmi33 said:

You don't have to go abroad to study. Since you live in Islamabad,

I agree, but I really want to get a scholarship abroad since we all know the best is there, and I’ve been working so hard for the best, ps it’s my mothers (and father’s) dream for me to get a scholarship abroad 

On 6/2/2018 at 2:23 PM, rkazmi33 said:

If you suspect that your relatives are doing black magic on y

My father has been very distant with his own family and straight forward with them about not believing in these fake pirs; the problem is, what if they come in the way of my higher education (all of my cousins are only village level high school education, and don’t be believe firmly in getting it further, girls And boys). 

My mom says she won’t let anything happen and that she’ll send me one or another, but what if it causes issues?? My father can’t even trust me going out with my friends, let alone to another country for four years! 

On 6/2/2018 at 2:23 PM, rkazmi33 said:

In couple of years, when your brothers become old, things might change.

This is what my mom says, and I say that it’s been 18 years. If he had to realise something it woulda happened. She says she’s seen him change a lot , and I agree. But it doesn’t really matter when he goes right back to being his olderself, whenever he likes, however he desires. 

[Zellali]

4 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

Go to duas.org and try doing amals from there, especially on 21,23 and 19 nights. InshahAllah things will get better for you

Thank you so much. I will surely try this. I’ve just felt so helpless and ive only turned to Allah always, whether it be to request help or mercy, or even complain (astaghfirullah) about this. 

If im honest, when I was younger and naive, the only reason I didn’t really commit suicide was because I didn’t want to disappoint Allah, after all the bounties He’d 

4 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

But I will definitely recommend going for ziarat.

My parents are going for Hajj this year, and I hope Allah listens to moms pleas soon. 

InshAllah, I will go to ziarat with my mom and brothers, and I hope my dad as well. We’ve done umrah as a family too (3 years ago). 

But I can not go with her any time soon. This is a fact (unless Allah (azwj) decides otherwise).

[Zellali]

@rkazmi33 btw if u don’t mind me asking, are you Kazmi? 

[Sisterfatima1]

Salam 

i came out of a abusive marriage 

I am so happy I did it I even have kids to this man it was not a reason to stay with such a abusive person 

your father sounds very unstable and your family need to be away from that type of negativity 

[rkazmi33]

@Zellali I am Kazmi. From your 1st post, I got the impression that your father doesn't work and your mother pays for all the expenses. That's why I suggested that your mother should try to take you away from this environment. 

InshahAllah you will be able to go abroad. I was trying to tell you that there are other options, so that you don't take too much stress since you mentioned your whole future depends upon your performance in the exam. 

So your brothers don't know anything about the abuse by your father? It's really good news that your parents are going for hajj. InshahAllah your mother's prayers will be answered. I just fail to understand such people who follow all the rituals of religion, why do they think it's okay to abuse someone. I don't know what to tell you. You cannot help your mother unless she wants to help herself. It must be really hard to study in such environment. 

[Zellali]

15 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

am so happy I did it I even have kids to this man it was not a reason to stay with such a abusive person 

I know my mother would be as well. But she can’t financially support use as much. Right now he may have financial issues but it’s not like he never brings anything. Sometimes he brings more than expected. It’s just that it’s not a stable thing, and he knows that but he doesn’t know how to overcome it (because jobs here can’t pay for the expenses our family has, even if we cut down on them, unless you’re in a very high level job or business). 

[Zellali]

@rkazmi33 sorry about the misunderstanding, I was just trying to highlight that even if my dad can and does financially support us, my mom helps a lot in making that support look bigger. 

 

Im Kazmi too haha that’s why I was wondering. 

 

Insh’Allah I will go out. My brothers don’t know what he accuses her of. She’s just been telling them it’s how he is because it’s how he was raised. Everytime her and I talk about it, she tells me to quiet down as if she’ll be embarrassed or his saying will degrade Her in front of my brothers. 

 

I dont know. He always compares me to other excellent students, and while I may not know what goes in their lives wholly, you know you can just tell by the certain freedom give to them or a certain carefreeness they have around themselves that they’re not in such an environment that their studies would be affected. 

Alhamdullilah things have gotten much better today. See, now I just feel bad that I posted this because he’s being so nice to everyone. It’s like we’re in a rollercoster ride, one moment we’re exhilarated and the next we want to puke. 

 

Anyways, thank you so so much for all your advice. InshAllah things will be better soon. 

[rkazmi33]

@Zellali I agree that your environment is not good for studying. Is it possible for you to go to study at night when your family is sleeping and you can sleep in the morning? Turn a fan on, it blocks sounds. 

It's good that your father is nice to you. It's probably due to Ramzan. I have noticed that people become nicer to me during Ramzan. But as soon as Eid day comes, they go back to their old behaviors. Also, if you read about narcissists, they are very unpredictable. They always get angry about random things, and at random times. There's nothing you can do to avoid their anger. 

Edited June 4, 2018 by rkazmi33

[starlight]

@Zellali One very effective way to get off the roller coaster - emotional detachment. Emotional detachment is very useful when one can't put physical distance between himself and an abusive person but instead creates an emotional distance and that helps maintain his sanity and stay functional in a negative environment.  Look it up on the internet and you will find techniques for emotionally detaching from a potentially toxic situation/person.It won't come easily or quickly and you will have to practice it but once you have grasped it you will see that it's a very useful life skill. 

Duas for your family.

[Miss Wonderful]

Reading this is dejavu. I posted something similar on shichat long time ago. I used to cut myself when I was younger cuz of similar experiences you had. When my father finally died things got better but now my mom gives me vibes that she is going to die soon because all the stress and abuse he gave her is finally catching up to her . And also after he died it’s like her health deteriorated. Am guessing she has a weird stockhold syndrome. Sometimes thoughts of death still cross my mind because this is emotionally exhausting to me but I say Qur'an I do duas, I do tawasul. I try to cut the cord and disconnect from my mom because If you become so overprotective of a person you will lose yourself. They chose to live their life with an abusive man. They didn’t take he right measure and divorce so why they dragged us into this mess and emotionally traumatized us and put our life in danger. I still curse my dad from beyond his grave and I still carry the same hate even worse now for him. I protected my mom from him but look she didn’t protect herself and has become too ill and seeing her this way kills me every single day and it feels like a curse. But you must take care of you.  And it’s hard it’s haers when there is always explosive fights at home but and it can’t make you concentrate on your studies and your constantly worrying about your mom. Eventually things change and you need to hold on your studies and get the good marks to get a good career...if your mom want to stay in this then let her. I should’ve left my mom with my father Long time ago but I always feared he would kill her but loook he’s killing her beyond the grave. Just hold on to your studies tight or finally him that man jailed for life.

Edited March 21, 2019 by Miss Wonderful