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Blive

Religiously confused

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23 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

I don't think he is judgmental, he is more realistic. It is a heavy claim. If someone is truly such in love in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, you will not find such a person falling in love with non-muslim.

I think its a degree of love. Of course, we can never be like Imams and Prophets. We know that most shaheed-e-karbala were not masoom, but we can never doubt that they never loved Allah. We all claim that we love our parents, but we don't follow their all teaching, and it doesn't mean that we don't love them. I am not defending what she did. We all know she did wrong, but she is feeling guilty it means her Imaan is still breathing :), on the other hand, don't we all commit sins? 

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3 hours ago, Blive said:

Thank you so much sister. I love it when sisters stick up for each other especially when times are rough. Even though you may not know the whole story. May Allah bless you with happiness and luck throughout your life.❤️

You haven't answered my question. 

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On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Love with someone takes time to develop. Meaning you must have interacted a lot with this other guy. That's your problem right there. 

Otherwise, if you're interaction has been minimal, it's simply infatuation. 

Either way, stay away. Text and talk with your husband everyday, set a time, and make it a routine. 

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On 5/30/2018 at 7:09 PM, Blive said:

Hello there sisters and brothers,

I'm a fellow sister who is in the dark right now. I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However I am in a bit of a conundrum right now as this topic is very touchy and quite unusual. Please do try to understand that I'm looking for solutions so I would appreciate if you would not attack me. I don't know what else I am supposed to do at this point in time. 2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful. However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Thanks.

Hi 

I feel sorry for you that you posted your issue..... I can see how many people just doubt with no knowledge of your circumstances....

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum

My opinion or anyone else doesn't matter when Allah stated in the Quran, 


وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا ۖ إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
 
Refer back to Quran to know right from wrong.  
Make Istighfar and have no contact with the non mahram non Muslim man
 
Shaitain knows how to pull the strings.  Do your wajabat and stay away from haram.
 
M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

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7 hours ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

So whats a point in saying is she infallible? 

Because only an infallible can love Allah in the manner that she described. The rest the believers and worshippers love Allah at a much lower level. Our love is incomplete and tainted. I think you already know this but you probably overlooked some of the words in the prior posts.

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On 5/31/2018 at 2:22 AM, ireallywannaknow said:

I think you would need to explain why you moved overseas and why you are not with your husband. You should be with him and that will safeguard your mind and actions. 

Yeah I guess I just didn't think it was necessary to state such a thing but if it's important . It's because we reside in different countries due to our occupations. I would like to be with him but our schedules do not really mesh well. Inshallah this year I will stay there for a longer time. Thank you sharing your thoughts.:)

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On 5/31/2018 at 4:39 AM, Ron_Burgundy said:

I guess you had nikkah but never did ruksati. Tell me why do you love this new guy? What do you like about him? Has your husband tried to contact you? Do you pray or fasting or practicing islam? 

Um... I don't know what ruksati means. In terms of doing my nikkah. I did my nikkah but didn't stay there for that long. Yes Alhummdulillah he is a very loving man and I'm blessed by Allah. Of course I am a, I meaning hopefully everyone would be right ? 

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1 minute ago, Blive said:

Um... I don't know what ruksati means. In terms of doing my nikkah. I did my nikkah but didn't stay there for that long. Yes Alhummdulillah he is a very loving man and I'm blessed by Allah. Of course I am a, I meaning hopefully everyone would be right ? 

It's a Pakistani/Urdu term. Basically, it refers to a situation where the man and woman have done their nikah (and, so, would be considered husband and wife from an Islamic perspective) but the woman does not leave her parents' house and move in with the man (and, so, it's culturally considered just an engagement). Rukhsati refers to when the woman finally moves in with her husband so he's basically asking if you moved in with your husband and left your parents' house after marriage.

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On 5/31/2018 at 6:13 AM, Thabit Al Jumayli said:

Before you build a new life with another human being you must make sure that you yourself are the strongest version of yourself. In order to be ready for marriage in this era you must be a compete person. If I was in the husbands position I would leave, with no ill intentions whatsoever of course, but simply because the romance, love and loyalty is finished. I would leave to protect my own self respect and dignity, nothing against anyone who would be in the conundrum, but there is simply nothing left for the man, let him be free and find his woman. This is only my opinion. As for you, you must forge your character and your morals before you can share it with somebody else. You cannot rush into a relationship if you aren't 100% sure that you'll stay in love. Find ways to redesign, rebuild and focus on (you). Sorry if this offends you.

No brother this doesnt offend me what so ever. In fact I feel greatful that I have met such a amazing man like my husband. Honestly speaking if I were also in this mentioned position I would want to leave. Slowly but surely by Allah's guidance I'm building my Iman and my character so thank you for your input. It is definitely be helpful.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:13 AM, Amira00 said:

When you say "my actions became regretful to me", do you mean that you've physically cheated on your husband? (If you don't mind me asking).

What changed when you  moved overseas? Is it that you started living alone and that freedom may have been overwhelming for you and caused you to fall in love with someone else? 

From the things you've told us, I would say get out of the environment that caused you to fall in love with someone else. Stop seeing that man, no matter what, because it will only add fuel to the fire. Also, don't give up on your husband just yet. In my opinion, the metaphorical death of romance is quite inevitable. You won't have the same excitement and anticipation in any romantic relatopnship forever. You can somewhat rekindle it though. Even if you do leave your current husband and remarry, you may be crazy in love with him for the first 5 years and again, the excitement will die out. Dont get me wrong, im not saying you fall out of love, just that you get used to eachother, and that theres no longer the element of surprise.

You don't refer to the "man you had a nikah with" as your husband, so I'm presuming you don't live together? Whether or not you do, try and go on dates, do exciting things together etc. Remind yourself of all the reasons you loved him in the first place and try to do things with him that will project those good attributes that made you love him. 

Salam sister, I think your first question is quite irrelevant to this but if it makes people understand then no I didnt do anything but I guess admire from a far kind of thing. As I answered before we live in different countries because of occupancy. I kinda could agree with you as the western society is quite you know open and what not. I had no such thought of leaving my husband so your advice on separation from the non mahram was very good i just I needed some reassurance/ guidance as it's not a topic you can easily speak about to anyone. Definitely will try those when we are together.

Thank you very much.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:19 AM, Ron_Burgundy said:

But how you could live with that guilt that you left a Muslim good man for some random dude. However, no matter what she decides I hope that her husband finds a better person. 

I think you're jumping to conclusions here without any type of basis or answer. I'm not saying that I'm leaving my husband or that I wanna go with "some random dude." Aren't you being abit too forward in your response to someone else's post? Aren't we taught in Islam to not judge without knowing ? I appreciate your involvement . However, it really saddens me to read this and think about someone who might  actually be going through something similar or even worse and be affected by our post. I say our because we all do it maybe unintentionally but we do it.

Thank you.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:20 AM, Ron_Burgundy said:

Very well said. I could tell she is not happy because she is regrating. Somewhere in her heart, she knows she is not doing right. It is not right with her husband. I feel bad for him. 

Need I repeat myself?

Thanks.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:40 AM, Muhammed Ali said:

No you don't. I don't, and probably no one on this forum does.

BTW thank you for posting this thread, people (including you and others) could learn from it.

Hello, yes I completely understand what your saying. However, as you may know there is 2 main types of speech are used in English. Literal and figurative, I'm using figurative language as in I wish/ am exaggerating. How can you say that no one on this entire forum has love like that? 

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1 hour ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

It's a Pakistani/Urdu term. Basically, it refers to a situation where the man and woman have done their nikah (and, so, would be considered husband and wife from an Islamic perspective) but the woman does not leave her parents' house and move in with the man (and, so, it's culturally considered just an engagement). Rukhsati refers to when the woman finally moves in with her husband so he's basically asking if you moved in with your husband and left your parents' house after marriage.

Oh thank you for the explanation, in that case no I haven't done that. So yeah cultural I'm just engaged then.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:53 AM, Akbar673 said:

What was the reason for having a Nikah done 2 years ago? Immigration?

What happened during your travels that caused you to have this change of heart?

How much time has passed since you spoke with him?

You do understand that a Nikah is a marriage and that you are a Married woman, right? Falling in love with a man that is not your husband is essentially what you have done.

I can imagine. You are a married woman with a husband. Guilt is probably eating away at you.

Well, here's my advice. Islamically in the eyes of Allah you have married already, forget about this non-Muslim you are in love and return to your husband. If you can not bring yourself to staying married to him then you need to ask for a divorce.

Not sure how you are going to have that conversation because you're not on strong footing since you essentially cheated on him and fell in love with another man. I'm not sure what the basis of your Nikah to him was but regardless a Nikah is a valid contract of marriage.

I'm not even going to get into the complications when you will be filing for a legal divorce in the courts of wherever you live because your husband has the strongest of cases against you.

Not immgration just the matter of the situation I guess. I think the whole change from going through this whole journey has made my heart weak. However it is true that many woman are very indecisive as I learnt from a lecture I listened to. So what I was feeling at the time is truly just normal. I mean I have spoken to him but it's not the same as when your face to face. I didn't think/want to separate there is no need to. I just need reassurance as to how to deal with this and surly I have delt with it. Thanks to helpful people here.

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On 5/31/2018 at 7:56 AM, Thabit Al Jumayli said:

Because to love Allah with all your heart and soul is a very profound and rare occurrence in the 21st Century wouldn't you think? I am 100% sure he was not being judgemental and pointing fingers. It is only a reasonable analysis that most people including myself have not yet reached the profound, spiritual, life changing revelation and epiphany in order to love the creator of the universe with not only all our heart, but our entire soul. To the point where we would genuinely die for our God. It's a fair assumption and conclusion that many people aren't there yet no?

You make very valid points about the soul as my point was figurative, however I don't think you would need to have a high profound , spiritual.... to have the love in your heart so when if there be a time we need to fight for the right of islam. That it is simple we fight and if that means dying for it. The. So be it. I just honeslty don't understand you pray to Allah don't you? you love your religion don't you ? In the time of our Imams normal people gave there life's up. Don't take this out of context, I'm not saying we're in the times of our Imams. We're in the 21st century isn't that even more of a reason to be willing to fight in the of Islam as there is so much blasphemy about Islam. Now the odds of there being a fight is rare but everyday we bear the greatness on our shoulders we are put ourselfs on the map. We are wearing a target and this just an example, don't quote me on this saying this sister is saying  wearing is like doing in the name of Allah. I'm just saying  its one of the ways we are fighting the evils out there against islam. As for dying for ur Lord, why would you not ? With a Lord so Amazing as ours how could we not ? You may also bear my sword against me and say you are on here asking such and such you are no where near that position. Not saying that you will just in case you do, Im on here because I trust the words of my brothers and sisters in Islam. I want to guarantee that what I've chosen in my mind ( to remove myself ) is what the brothers and sisters say. This is our Ummah. Brother is not only directed towards you, I'm just tired of trying to answer the same things for everyone. So inshallah that answers the divergent path this queire brought up.

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On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

Hello there sisters and brothers,

I'm a fellow sister who is in the dark right now. I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However I am in a bit of a conundrum right now as this topic is very touchy and quite unusual. Please do try to understand that I'm looking for solutions so I would appreciate if you would not attack me. I don't know what else I am supposed to do at this point in time. 2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful. However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Thanks.

By "not attack me" I'm guessing you mean "sugar coat your reply and stroke my ego" but I'm not going to do that because those arn't the words you used so I could be wrong about that. 

So first of all, if you love Allah with all your heart and soul, you wouldn't have this problem because you'd believe in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى 100% and second, you wouldn't have "wrong thoughts" nor would they be consuming you, and thirdly you would stay loyal to the nikah you have with your husband and avoid being around a situation that you know could turn haram because of your weaknesses, lastly, a true believer in Allah who loves Allah with all their heart and soul would not do something regretful, so if you loved Allah with all your heart and soul, this post shouldn't have been made.

What I believe you should do is avoid being around this "other guy" so that you don't do anything that will get you thrown into hell, and ask to be guided by Allah.

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12 hours ago, Blive said:

I think you're jumping to conclusions here without any type of basis or answer. I'm not saying that I'm leaving my husband or that I wanna go with "some random dude." Aren't you being abit too forward in your response to someone else's post? Aren't we taught in Islam to not judge without knowing ? I appreciate your involvement . However, it really saddens me to read this and think about someone who might  actually be going through something similar or even worse and be affected by our post. I say our because we all do it maybe unintentionally but we do it.

Thank you.

Sister, you said that you regret, if you there is no guilt what are you regretting? Also, you said you love this non Muslims man, when you know you are married to someone else, and you know he is a good person. I could understand if your husband wasn’t loving or caring or were giving you hard time that you could fall in love with someone else, because we are humans and we need that feeling of wantedness. 

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Salam 

I'm really going to start with this- Some men are such hypocrites! 

On 6/2/2018 at 10:04 PM, Askarollah said:

So first of all, if you love Allah with all your heart and soul, you wouldn't have this problem because you'd believe in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى.

I don't see the connection whatsoever... how do did you make that deduction? What source did you use? What hadith or ayah made you come to that conclusion? I'm genuinely curious to see your thought process. 

On 6/2/2018 at 10:04 PM, Askarollah said:

second, you wouldn't have "wrong thoughts" nor would they be consuming you

 Isn't this why God commanded a woman to wear a hijab? To protect men from their supposedly weak hijab and shaytaan whispers (wrong thoughts)? So without a woman's khimar and jilbab, are all men disbelievers who lack love? Your thinking is flawed. We all possess desires and may fall for temptation. Women are not exempt. 

On 6/2/2018 at 10:04 PM, Askarollah said:

thirdly you would stay loyal to the nikah you have with your husband and avoid being around a situation that you know could turn haram because of your weaknesses

I suppose not avoiding temptation is exactly what she regrets. Often we don't realise or appreciate the weight of our actions until it reaps the negative results. You're left with consequences and problems that need solving. 

I would also ask, would a man avoid situation that might cause him to be physically or emotionally invested with another woman? In that case, why do second marriages or mut3a outside of marriage occur? It can happen even if you avoid situation you think might create such issues. 

On 6/2/2018 at 10:04 PM, Askarollah said:

lastly, a true believer in Allah who loves Allah with all their heart and soul would not do something regretful, so if you loved Allah with all your heart and soul, this post shouldn't have been made.

I can guarantee you, you have done something you regret. You are fallible. Don't be like the shaytaan who still refuses to express regret towards his sinful act. For that, he is condemned to eternal hellfire. 

Ws

 

 

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Salam 

So i typed this very long response, and decided to visit the first page to check whether i missed anything from your original post... it all disappeared. Shiachat used to save your response - what happened?! 

I basically said I had a friend who is in a very similar situation to your own. She married her cousin from her motherland but had to return to the west, because she was still a student. And you- for whatever reason- moved to a new country. Both with a complication as a result of marriage. You expect one thing, but get another. I used shock to describe what you both were experiencing. We all remember when our parents or swimming instructor told us to jump into the deep end of the pool for the first time. You expect one thing, but again- you experience another. It's much colder than you thought, and you swallow a good bit of water some of which will run up your nose. Your instinct is to swim up and keep your head up. You pay little attention to your surrounding or how much your arms are flailing. Everything you learnt about how to swim is forgotten for that brief moment. So because you both were placed under unexpected conditions and circumstance, you experienced a form of shock. Consequently your judgement was dulled. 

I assume, you moved countries and instinctively tried to assimilate to integrate. You did little things that just kept building up without you realising, or perhaps you did. Whether you purposely looked the other way or unintentionally overlooked your actions, you're now facing the consequences. If I'm honest, I'm not entirely sure what it is you seek. You tilted your thread "religiously confused"- why is that? It seems as though all you seek is guidance concerning your change of heart.

Now regarding your thoughts and desires towards this non-muslim man, there are many solutions. Some are acceptable others depend on your priority. It all comes down to what you prioritise and where you want to see yourself in the next 20-30 years. Here are some options: 

1) Stay with your husband and avoid the non-muslim man (if he's a work colleague, speak to him only at work, only if necessary and if possible, only if other company is around) 

2) Separate from your husband and attempt to convert the non-muslim man (chances are, it won't happen. If he does convert, you may still question his sincerity or feel regret) 

3) Separate from your husband and marry the non-muslim man regardless of our sharia laws (i.e. separate from sunnah) 

Something my mother said once in relation to a friend confiding in her  "If God conceals a matter for you, don't undo his work and announce it." I think that is very relevant in your situation too. What you need to do, and what your sense of regret is pushing you to do, is repentance. God is most forgiving. If you repent and He wills it, He will forgive. That doesn't mean locking yourself up in a dark room to pray every minute of every day. Express sincere regret in prayer. Perhaps research some other methods on shiachat, of ways to express your regret and repent. 

Spending too much time away from your spouse- for a woman especially- is very risky. Every woman I know who's separated from her husband by a fair distance, has struggled. Mind I only know 3 women. One of them visits her husband almost every weekend, the other two couldn't afford to do that. One of the other two, is the girl I mentioned earlier. The third started to doubt her feelings for her husband and regreted her choice to marry him. After seeing him again, all those feelings flew out the window. She remembered why she loved him and how much she cared for him. Surprisingly, when children are involved things are very different. The complaints and concerns sound very different too. 

I wanted to say more, but my eyes have started to sting and burn. I need to sleep. 

WS 

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16 hours ago, yusur317 said:

Salam 

I'm really going to start with this- Some men are such hypocrites! 

I don't see the connection whatsoever... how do did you make that deduction? What source did you use? What hadith or ayah made you come to that conclusion? I'm genuinely curious to see your thought process. 

 Isn't this why God commanded a woman to wear a hijab? To protect men from their supposedly weak hijab and shaytaan whispers (wrong thoughts)? So without a woman's khimar and jilbab, are all men disbelievers who lack love? Your thinking is flawed. We all possess desires and may fall for temptation. Women are not exempt. 

I suppose not avoiding temptation is exactly what she regrets. Often we don't realise or appreciate the weight of our actions until it reaps the negative results. You're left with consequences and problems that need solving. 

I would also ask, would a man avoid situation that might cause him to be physically or emotionally invested with another woman? In that case, why do second marriages or mut3a outside of marriage occur? It can happen even if you avoid situation you think might create such issues. 

I can guarantee you, you have done something you regret. You are fallible. Don't be like the shaytaan who still refuses to express regret towards his sinful act. For that, he is condemned to eternal hellfire. 

Ws

Salaam,

Yeah, okay, since you didn't take time to understand my post, you just read through and decided that it hurt your feelings let me tell you the part you missed. She said "all my heart and sou" all of it, as in theres no part thats not loving Allah? Do you know what love is? if she has the capacity which pretty much no body except a tiny bit to love Allah that much then she wouldn't sin. I mean the marajah just barely scratched the surface of love, if people really knew what love is and were capable of loving Allah the way of the prophet, they'd probably get overwhelmed by the love Allah returns back to us and die because they can't take being away from him in this world. I mean how long did Bibi Fatima (sa) live after the prophet (saws) died? 

That's my point she can say what she want's but saying "all my heart and soul" isn't cutting the cake for me.

So don't worry about me, or start attacking me calling me a hypocrit and "shaytan" and whatever cause I didn't do anything to you, it's your own emotions that made you feel this hate or dislike or whatever towards me, I just don't like to see the concept of love taking out of context and be watered down by this society who always has to come back with dumb comebacks cause they hate to be wrong! but I said what I can say, if you still don't get the angle i'm coming from then allahu alim, i'm leaving it in Allah (swt)'s hands

ws

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On 5/30/2018 at 3:21 PM, Ron_Burgundy said:

How could you be so damn judgemental? Stop Judging people. She might have made some mistakes in her life but she could have done 1 thing which could be superior to all of our ibadats. Judging is for Allah not for us. So let Allah judge her. 

You literally judged her a few posts ago when you said you hoped her husband found someone better...

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On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

Hello there sisters and brothers,

 I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However... 

Thanks.

 

Your first and second statement are at odds with each other. 

'I love Allah...' is the first statement, 'However...' is the second statement

If the first statement is true, there is no 'However..' 

The answer is very clear and there should be no confusion. Either you love Allah(s.w.a) or you love this guy(the non muslim guy). There is no room in your heart for both. Now choose. 

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On 6/15/2018 at 7:18 PM, zoegeracci said:

You literally judged her a few posts ago when you said you hoped her husband found someone better...

She said she is guilty, I didn't make a judgment. It is obvious that she is not into him anymore, and I wished his husband that he might find someone who could love him for who he is. I didn't make a judgment. 

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When a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery was brought to Jesus, her accusers asked if she should be stoned...

"And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.'" - John 8:7 (from the Injeel, the words of Jesus)

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