Religiously confused

[Blive]

Hello there sisters and brothers,

I'm a fellow sister who is in the dark right now. I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However I am in a bit of a conundrum right now as this topic is very touchy and quite unusual. Please do try to understand that I'm looking for solutions so I would appreciate if you would not attack me. I don't know what else I am supposed to do at this point in time. 2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful. However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Thanks.

[ireallywannaknow]

I think you would need to explain why you moved overseas and why you are not with your husband. You should be with him and that will safeguard your mind and actions. 

[Ron_Burgundy]

7 hours ago, Blive said:

Hello there sisters and brothers,

I'm a fellow sister who is in the dark right now. I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However I am in a bit of a conundrum right now as this topic is very touchy and quite unusual. Please do try to understand that I'm looking for solutions so I would appreciate if you would not attack me. I don't know what else I am supposed to do at this point in time. 2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful. However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Thanks.

I guess you had nikkah but never did ruksati. Tell me why do you love this new guy? What do you like about him? Has your husband tried to contact you? Do you pray or fasting or practicing islam? 

[Thabit Al Jumayli]

Before you build a new life with another human being you must make sure that you yourself are the strongest version of yourself. In order to be ready for marriage in this era you must be a compete person. If I was in the husbands position I would leave, with no ill intentions whatsoever of course, but simply because the romance, love and loyalty is finished. I would leave to protect my own self respect and dignity, nothing against anyone who would be in the conundrum, but there is simply nothing left for the man, let him be free and find his woman. This is only my opinion. As for you, you must forge your character and your morals before you can share it with somebody else. You cannot rush into a relationship if you aren't 100% sure that you'll stay in love. Find ways to redesign, rebuild and focus on (you). Sorry if this offends you.

[2Timeless]

9 hours ago, Blive said:

Hello there sisters and brothers,

I'm a fellow sister who is in the dark right now. I love Allah with all my heart and soul and wish nothing but for his blessings. However I am in a bit of a conundrum right now as this topic is very touchy and quite unusual. Please do try to understand that I'm looking for solutions so I would appreciate if you would not attack me. I don't know what else I am supposed to do at this point in time. 2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful. However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me. Ever since I have not talked to him and have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim. My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me and I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point. If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this. 

Thanks.

When you say "my actions became regretful to me", do you mean that you've physically cheated on your husband? (If you don't mind me asking).

What changed when you  moved overseas? Is it that you started living alone and that freedom may have been overwhelming for you and caused you to fall in love with someone else? 

From the things you've told us, I would say get out of the environment that caused you to fall in love with someone else. Stop seeing that man, no matter what, because it will only add fuel to the fire. Also, don't give up on your husband just yet. In my opinion, the metaphorical death of romance is quite inevitable. You won't have the same excitement and anticipation in any romantic relatopnship forever. You can somewhat rekindle it though. Even if you do leave your current husband and remarry, you may be crazy in love with him for the first 5 years and again, the excitement will die out. Dont get me wrong, im not saying you fall out of love, just that you get used to eachother, and that theres no longer the element of surprise.

You don't refer to the "man you had a nikah with" as your husband, so I'm presuming you don't live together? Whether or not you do, try and go on dates, do exciting things together etc. Remind yourself of all the reasons you loved him in the first place and try to do things with him that will project those good attributes that made you love him. 

[Ron_Burgundy]

59 minutes ago, Thabit Al Jumayli said:

Before you build a new life with another human being you must make sure that you yourself are the strongest version of yourself. In order to be ready for marriage in this era you must be a compete person. If I was in the husbands position I would leave, with no ill intentions whatsoever of course, but simply because the romance, love and loyalty is finished. I would leave to protect my own self respect and dignity, nothing against anyone who would be in the conundrum, but there is simply nothing left for the man, let him be free and find his woman. This is only my opinion. As for you, you must forge your character and your morals before you can share it with somebody else. You cannot rush into a relationship if you aren't 100% sure that you'll stay in love. Find ways to redesign, rebuild and focus on (you). Sorry if this offends you.

But how you could live with that guilt that you left a Muslim good man for some random dude. However, no matter what she decides I hope that her husband finds a better person. 

[Ron_Burgundy]

6 minutes ago, Amira00 said:

When you say "my actions became regretful to me", do you mean that you've physically cheated on your husband? (If you don't mind me asking).

.........

 

Very well said. I could tell she is not happy because she is regrating. Somewhere in her heart, she knows she is not doing right. It is not right with her husband. I feel bad for him. 

[Muhammed Ali]

10 hours ago, Blive said:

I love Allah with all my heart and soul

No you don't. I don't, and probably no one on this forum does.

BTW thank you for posting this thread, people (including you and others) could learn from it.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Muhammed Ali

[2Timeless]

8 minutes ago, Muhammed Ali said:

No you don't. I don't, and probably no one on this forum does.

You can't assume what's in her heart. She can be a better Muslim than all of us. 

Everyone makes mistakes. She hasn't clearly stated that she's cheated on her husband. She said she had feelings for someone else, we don't know if she acted on them, so why assume the worst? 

Instead of pointing fingers and being so judgemental why don't you offer her the advice she wanted? 

 

Edited May 30, 2018 by Amira00

[Akbar673]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

2 years ago I had my nikha done with this man that is wonderful.

What was the reason for having a Nikah done 2 years ago? Immigration?

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

However I really don't know what changed in my heart but after leaving for overseas my actions became regretful to me.

What happened during your travels that caused you to have this change of heart?

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

Ever since I have not talked to him

How much time has passed since you spoke with him?

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

have fallen in love with someone else who is a non Muslim.

You do understand that a Nikah is a marriage and that you are a Married woman, right? Falling in love with a man that is not your husband is essentially what you have done.

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

My thoughts of wrong doing has been consuming me

I can imagine. You are a married woman with a husband. Guilt is probably eating away at you.

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

I'm not so sure what I should be doing at this point

Well, here's my advice. Islamically in the eyes of Allah you have married already, forget about this non-Muslim you are in love and return to your husband. If you can not bring yourself to staying married to him then you need to ask for a divorce.

Not sure how you are going to have that conversation because you're not on strong footing since you essentially cheated on him and fell in love with another man. I'm not sure what the basis of your Nikah to him was but regardless a Nikah is a valid contract of marriage.

I'm not even going to get into the complications when you will be filing for a legal divorce in the courts of wherever you live because your husband has the strongest of cases against you.

[Thabit Al Jumayli]

On 5/30/2018 at 3:48 PM, Amira00 said:

You can't assume what's in her heart. She can be a better Muslim than all of us. 

Everyone makes mistakes. She hasn't clearly stated that she's cheated on her husband. She said she had feelings for someone else, we don't know if she acted on them, so why assume the worst? 

Instead of pointing fingers and being so judgemental why don't you offer her the advice she wanted? 

Because to love Allah with all your heart and soul is a very profound and rare occurrence in the 21st Century wouldn't you think? I am 100% sure he was not being judgemental and pointing fingers. It is only a reasonable analysis that most people including myself have not yet reached the profound, spiritual, life changing revelation and epiphany in order to love the creator of the universe with not only all our heart, but our entire soul. To the point where we would genuinely die for our God. It's a fair assumption and conclusion that many people aren't there yet no?

[Ron_Burgundy]

39 minutes ago, Muhammed Ali said:

No you don't. I don't, and probably no one on this forum does.

BTW thank you for posting this thread, people (including you and others) could learn from it.

How could you be so damn judgemental? Stop Judging people. She might have made some mistakes in her life but she could have done 1 thing which could be superior to all of our ibadats. Judging is for Allah not for us. So let Allah judge her. 

[Muhammed Ali]

57 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

How could you be so damn judgemental? Stop Judging people. She might have made some mistakes in her life but she could have done 1 thing which could be superior to all of our ibadats. Judging is for Allah not for us. So let Allah judge her. 

Is she infallible?

[Muhammed Ali]

On 5/30/2018 at 3:48 PM, Amira00 said:

You can't assume what's in her heart. She can be a better Muslim than all of us. 

Everyone makes mistakes. She hasn't clearly stated that she's cheated on her husband. She said she had feelings for someone else, we don't know if she acted on them, so why assume the worst? 

Instead of pointing fingers and being so judgemental why don't you offer her the advice she wanted? 

Are you judging me?

[2Timeless]

14 minutes ago, Muhammed Ali said:

Is she infallible?

Are you infallible? 

Unless you are, don't judge her.

[Abu Nur]

 

On 5/30/2018 at 3:48 PM, Amira00 said:

You can't assume what's in her heart. She can be a better Muslim than all of us. 

Everyone makes mistakes. She hasn't clearly stated that she's cheated on her husband. She said she had feelings for someone else, we don't know if she acted on them, so why assume the worst? 

 Instead of pointing fingers and being so judgemental why don't you offer her the advice she wanted? 

I don't think he is judgmental, he is more realistic. It is a heavy claim. If someone is truly such in love in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, you will not find such a person falling in love with non-muslim.

[2Timeless]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:33 PM, Abu Nur said:

I don't think he is judgmental, he is more realistic.

It's  realistic to assume what an individual truly feels towards Allah? I'm sure everyone here (including myself) have made many mistakes. That doesn't suddenly mean we have no love for  Allah. Whatever happens in anyone's life is between them and Allah. Only Allah knows how much the OP loves Him and how sincere she is in her religion.

[Muhammed Ali]

4 minutes ago, Amira00 said:

Are you infallible? 

Unless you are, don't judge her.

I think you misssed my point.

[Abu Nur]

3 minutes ago, Amira00 said:

It's  realistic to assume what an individual truly feels towards Allah? I'm sure everyone here (including myself) have made many mistakes. That doesn't suddenly mean we have no love for  Allah. Whatever happens in anyone's life is between them and Allah. Only Allah knows how much the OP loves Him and how sincere she is in her religion.

 

It is simple really, how can someone love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى so much and fall in love in non-muslim?

So do you think people love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى while obey Shaytan many times? That is an illusion.

Edited May 30, 2018 by Abu Nur
I mean people in general.

[Muhammed Ali]

1 hour ago, Amira00 said:

That doesn't suddenly mean we have no love for  Allah.

I didn't say that.

[2Timeless]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:38 PM, Abu Nur said:

It is simple really, how can someone love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى so much and fall in love in non-muslim?

Firstly, you can't control your feelings. Secondly, what differentiates a "good" Muslim from a "bad" Muslim is how they deal with worldly desires and what they know is truly good for them- Allah. 

Non-muslims are not demons. The OP hasn't even specified if the guy is ahl al kitab (it wouldn't make a difference in consideration to their potential relationship, but those religions are also word of god). 

So, according to you, if you simply love a non-Muslim, you have no love for Allah and you might as well be a kaffir?

Do you see how damaging this thought process is?

[2Timeless]

Anyway, this thread wasn't made because the OP wanted people to decide how much love she had for Allah. It was made because she wanted advice on how to deal with her issue -  a very positive step in the right direction.

[Muhammed Ali]

I was waiting for Ron to respond before explaining what I meant. I thought more people would understand what I meant. But since this thread is going off-topic and I don't want it to be derailed further, I will explain it right now.

My claim is that none but an infallible can "love Allah with all my heart and soul". You will never hear a great scholar, abid or arif uttering those words. If they did then either they were infallible or not speaking the truth.

To quote Shaheed al-Sadr:
 

Quote

Single grade love appears in the hearts of the pious believers whose hearts are free from the impurities of the base affairs of this world. As soon as they are free from their immediate engagements, they return to the question which is the object of their love.”

“As for double grade love, it is found in the hearts of the Prophets and Imams. You all know Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib, in the vicinity of whose tomb we live (Najaf). This great man has said “I never saw a thing but I saw Allah before it, after it and along with it”. (Qablahu, wa ba’dahu wa ma’ahu).”

Read the context to understand this better:

http://www.aimislam.com/speech-on-the-love-of-Allah-by-shaheed-al-sadr/

On top of that, even if we were capabale of loving "Allah with all my heart and soul", we would still not be loving Allah to the extent that he deserves to be loved. We are limited beings and we must be careful of saying such words.

[Abu Nur]

Quote

Firstly, you can't control your feelings.

Yes you can control them very well. 

Quote

Secondly, what differentiates a "good" Muslim from a "bad" Muslim is how they deal with worldly desires and what they know is truly good for them- Allah. 

I believe bad Muslim is one who keep sinning without caring for repentance, while the good one is the one who repents if they sin.

Quote

 Non-muslims are not demons. The OP hasn't even specified if the guy is ahl al kitab (it wouldn't make a difference in consideration to their potential relationship, but those religions are also word of god). 

Woman can't even have any kind of marriage or relationship with Ahl al kitab.

Quote

 So, according to you, if you simply love a non-Muslim, you have no love for Allah and you might as well be a kaffir?

Allah has not made for a man two hearts in his interior. Q33:4

One who truly loves Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى only love what Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى loves and follows it. And no it is not necessary that a person who don't love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى is automatically kafir.

[Khadim uz Zahra]

1 hour ago, Abu Nur said:

Yes you can control them very well. 

I believe the point that was being made was that you can't control if you develop feelings but that she has shown she is controlling her feelings by not acting on them and, instead, coming here to ask for help.

[Khadim uz Zahra]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:52 PM, Muhammed Ali said:

My claim is that none but an infallible can "love Allah with all my heart and soul". You will never hear a great scholar, abid or arif uttering those words. If they did then either they were infallible or not speaking the truth.

While that is most certainly true, it isn't necessarily relevant to what the sister is asking, though. When people are agitated, they make mistakes, and speak from emotion. However, correcting such mistakes is often counterproductive, and not to mention unhelpful in aiding her to correct her path and return to righteousness. I could randomly claim on this thread that the Earth rotates the sun and while that is factually correct, it's not really a fact suitable for this thread.

[Muhammed Ali]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:43 PM, Amira00 said:

So, according to you, if you simply love a non-Muslim, you have no love for Allah and you might as well be a kaffir?

You are going too far. He never said that. Precision is important. Be precise with your argumentation.

Quote

Anyway, this thread wasn't made because the OP wanted people to decide how much love she had for Allah. It was made because she wanted advice on how to deal with her issue -  a very positive step in the right direction.

One of the reasons I made my initial comment was to make the OP realise that there is a long way for us to go before we reach our goal. If we claim to love Allah with all our heart then we don't really know how lowly we are. In this case we have to improve our intellectual and spiritual state and hopefully then there will be less confusion in our mind. This message is for me first, even before the OP.

[2Timeless]

22 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

You are going too far. He never said that.

If you don't love Allah, are you a Muslim or not? 

22 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

One of the reasons I made my initial comment was to make the OP realise that there is a long way for us to go before we reach our goal.

I'm certain no one knows that better than the OP herself, who's said she's suffering greatly from guilt.

[Muhammed Ali]

4 minutes ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

While that is most certainly true, it isn't necessarily relevant to what the sister is asking, though. When people are agitated, they make mistakes, and speak from emotion. However, correcting such mistakes is often counterproductive, and not to mention unhelpful in aiding her to correct her path and return to righteousness. I could randomly claim on this thread that the Earth rotates the sun and while that is factually correct, it's not really a fact suitable for this thread.

Your point is worth consideration.

If she made a mistake out of agitation then it might be better not to correct her. If she really meant it, then it may or may not be worthwhile telling her, depending on the greater context.

[Muhammed Ali]

6 minutes ago, Amira00 said:

If you don't love Allah, are you a Muslim or not?

He never said  "you don't love Allah". He said: "If someone is truly such in love in Allah" and "how can someone love Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى so much". There is a difference between what you think he said and what he actually said.

[Thabit Al Jumayli]

And as per expected. The most judicious and coherent remark is the note that is disregarded. When one introduces harmless apprehensible details the routinely sensible persons of this glorious public forum deliberately attempt to find any reason available to continue arguing over something I have already clarified and explained. I wish you all a fantastic and loving time, truly. Good day. Sorry about this @Blive

[Muhammed Ali]

On 5/30/2018 at 5:09 AM, Blive said:

 If any brothers and sister could give me possible advice as to how I should approach this.  

Sorry for derailing your thread.

I think you should not complicate things futher and thus remove yourself from this man - if you have not already done so. I.e. break communication and don't be near him. There are Islamic laws to consider and your husband does have some moral rights over you. Once in isolation and away from the possibility of sin you should spend much time contemplating and purifying yourself spiritually. What to do after that in regards to your husband? I don't know, I am jahil but maybe Allah will guide you.

[Blive]

22 hours ago, Amira00 said:

If you don't love Allah, are you a Muslim or not? 

I'm certain no one knows that better than the OP herself, who's said she's suffering greatly from guilt.

Thank you so much sister. I love it when sisters stick up for each other especially when times are rough. Even though you may not know the whole story. May Allah bless you with happiness and luck throughout your life.❤️

[Soldiers and Saffron]

Salam,

Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى says to you that relationships with a non muslim man is strictly forbidden, it is haram and any such relationship will be accounted for.

Love for Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى means to strive to make Him pleased with you, which means you might have to sacrifice some pleasures of the dunya.  What will you get in return for your sacrifice? Is it worth it? What will you get in return for disobedience? Is it worth it?

[Ron_Burgundy]

16 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

Is she infallible?

you are saying that only infallible could love Allah?