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rkazmi33

Options for a Muslim woman who wants to move out?

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:salam:

My parents have been pressurizing me to get married a lot recently. They were educated, broad-minded, kind parents. But now they have turned into uneducated, close-minded village people who think that I am out of control, and they need to "tame" me by getting me married. They constantly talk about how spoiled I am, and I am some sort of atheist. This is ridiculous because I try to follow Islam as much as I can. I only refuse to get married and have kids: these two things are not wajib. What's even more ridiculous is that my elder sister is not married, I have many cousins in Pakistan who are unmarried and older than me. Still they act like I am the only girl in the family who is refusing to get married/ and I am out of control/ having affairs. I am independent, I only live with them because I am scared to live alone. But they treat me like some rural girl in a backward village of Pakistan whose whole purpose in life is to get married and have kids. They need a male heir for their property and they are sure, only I can give them that heir. This is also ridiculous because they didn't have a son, and there's no guarantee that if I get married, I will be able to give them a male grand son. I am so hurt by their double standards and their behavior and I want to move out. We have seen numerous threads on shiachat created by women in the similar situations. They are going through emotional, psychological abuse and people always tell them to move out and become independent. The thing is, I can be financially independent, but I have never lived alone in my life.

In Pakistan, there are hostels for working women where they can pay rent and live and they don't have to worry about their safety. Is there such an arrangement in US?

I can look for a  room-mate, but I think if my own parents cannot tolerate me, how will a room-mate tolerate me? And what if it's not safe?

It seems like most people are part of cults and they are always looking for new recruits. Is it possible to find a room-mate who will not interfere in your life decisions and will let you live?

Should I look for a muslim roommate or may I live with a non-muslim roommate? 

My parents have told me many times to move out. If I move out, will they leave me alone? People who are constantly interfering in my life, will they not find other ways to disturb me even if I move out? 

I have told them many times that I can pay them rent if they want, but I just don't understand what they want from me. They just need a scape-goat all the time. Last year, it was my cousin who was staying at our house. He is the only doctor in our family, and he is very harmless person. He stayed at our house because he was trying to get residency. He used to go out of the house at 9 am everyday, came back at 9 pm, only had breakfast and dinner at our house, still I was shocked at how my parents treated him. They were always talking against him, calling him useless and lazy, spoiled and all sort of names. Since he is gone, I am their next target and it's effecting my self esteem so much. What are my options? 

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Sister, get married. Not because your parents are forcing you to but because it would be the right decision IMHO. It's unnatural to live alone. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى didn't create us to exist without a companion. You don't have to marry someone they choose, you can find someone on your own. 

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I wouldn’t recommend getting married when you still feel hurt and regretful from the first marriage. You shouldn’t just get married for the sake of escaping.

Focus on yourself, focus on saving up money for your own place, and get out of that toxic environment. Once you’ve been on your own for a few months and you have been healing, then you might meet someone you love and someone who treats you well. 

Staying with one’s parents is due to culture, not Islam. While people should try to get married to someone suitable, you really don’t have to RIGHT NOW if you don’t want to. You have been through a lot, Sis, so it’s very understandable that you prefer being cautious.

Never get married out of pressure—get married because YOU want to. Otherwise, you’ll be setting yourself up for the same heartbreak down the road. 

In the end, if you don’t want to get married right now, that’s fine. You aren’t comfortable at all with the idea of marriage right now, and that should be respected by your parents and anyone. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Sister, get married. Not because your parents are forcing you to but because it would be the right decision IMHO. It's unnatural to live alone. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى didn't create us to exist without a companion. You don't have to marry someone they choose, you can find someone on your own. 

Islamically, it is the right decision, but the OP is not in the best of emotional states to be married right now since she’s just not ready to be married again. 

Everyone will get married (or remarried) at their own time. After my uncle’s divorce eleven years ago, he never wanted to get married. 10 years passed and he finally found the right person and remarried. Sometimes people don’t meet the right person until later in life, and especially after you’ve been married already. 

As another example, a year before I met my husband, I’d been badly hurt by a man who wasn’t serious about me, and was seeing someone else behind my back. I decided I would never get married or have children because it was so shocking and hurtful that I vowed to never choose Mr. Wrong ever again. 

Other suitors came but I rejected them, because I knew that none of them were the right ones. A man that I found to be of acceptable akhlaq even said that he wasn’t ready to be married after he was introduced to me. Why the hell waste my time then? 

When I met my husband, things changed. The idea of marriage became beautiful again and not some scary thing. It was just right. You meet the right person, your wants will align with theirs. If you’d asked me two years ago if I wanted kids, I would have said no. Now the idea of kids is amazing because I know my hubby will make the greatest, extremely loving and playful father. (Inshallah.) 

Im not saying that @rkazmi33 will meet a man who will change her mind, but what I’m saying is that she must also be somewhat open to the idea of marriage IF she meets the right one. Not just want to get married to just anyone who is marriage minded, because that doesn’t mean that he is the right person for her. 

Remember, OP: Deen and Akhlaq. Not money or social status (although those are important.) choose someone whose commitment to the deen and their akhlaq makes you HAPPY. Who is kind to you. Who is faithful and respectful. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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@Islandsandmirrors And @starlight thank you for your replies. My question was more about how do I find a room-mate? I did live with a room mate when I was in college for 3 years and it wasn't bad. I have become more mature and much more patient since then. I have 2 cousins in Pakistan, both of their parents died and their brother went abroad. They started living with an old woman who was their neighbor. But I cannot find any such arrangements here. I guess when most Americans move out of their parents' houses, they live with their friends? 

You can understand if it's so hard to find a roommate for me, how hard it must be to find a good life partner? Thank you @Islandsandmirrors for understanding. My emotional state is not good for marriage right now. My parents did give me unconditional love until my marriage. As I stated earlier, if my own parents cannot tolerate me, it makes me feel like I am bad person. I have developed fear of people. 

I guess a lot of people live alone. I am just frustrated because for women living in conservative society like Pakistan, there are options available. But there are no options for me. 

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5 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

the OP is not in the best of emotional states to be married right now

I am not saying she gets married right away I was merely addressing her oft-repeated point of view that she never wants to remarry.

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13 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

@Islandsandmirrors And @starlight thank you for your replies. My question was more about how do I find a room-mate? I did live with a room mate when I was in college for 3 years and it wasn't bad. I have become more mature and much more patient since then. I have 2 cousins in Pakistan, both of their parents died and their brother went abroad. They started living with an old woman who was their neighbor. But I cannot find any such arrangements here. I guess when most Americans move out of their parents' houses, they live with their friends? 

You can understand if it's so hard to find a roommate for me, how hard it must be to find a good life partner? Thank you @Islandsandmirrors for understanding. My emotional state is not good for marriage right now. My parents did give me unconditional love until my marriage. As I stated earlier, if my own parents cannot tolerate me, it makes me feel like I am bad person. I have developed fear of people. 

I guess a lot of people live alone. I am just frustrated because for women living in conservative society like Pakistan, there are options available. But there are no options for me. 

IMO, if you are working and have enough money to afford a small (studio) apartment, it is better to live alone than with roomates. In most places in the US, you can find a studio apartment for $500 - 600 per month plus utilities unless you live in a part of the country that is very high rent (NY City, San Francisco, Seattle, D.C., etc). 

I would only live with a roomate if it was someone who was my relative or whom I had known for a long time (more than 5 years) and could observe their behavior and trustworthiness. The problem with muslim women, as opposed to men, is that there are very few (practicing) women who live with roommates, so there is a very small pool of potential roomates to choose from. Also, a muslim women living with roomates is not good for her reputation, because when she does want to get married, many potential grooms will assume that she is doing haram(i.e. having 'flings' with  different men) and doesn't want her parent to know which is why she moved out. Of course, it is not true in many cases, but that is what will be assumed. 

The only time that I would recommend for a single muslim women to move out with roomates is if she is in a situation at home that is either dangerous to her physically (extreme physical abuse) or she is being sexually abused or there is haram going on in her house that she cannot avoid that puts her in direct danger either from losing her Iman or physical harm. Otherwise, I would recommend 'sticking it out' until she finds a man who she would like to marry, of her own choice. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

 

The only time that I would recommend for a single muslim women to move out with roomates is if she is in a situation at home that is either dangerous to her physically (extreme physical abuse) or she is being sexually abused or there is haram going on in her house that she cannot avoid that puts her in direct danger either from losing her Iman or physical harm. Otherwise, I would recommend 'sticking it out' until she finds a man who she would like to marry, of her own choice. 

Thank you for your advice. I can afford $500-$600 per month rent. I think it would be safer to live with a room-mate or friend than to live alone. All the horror stories I have heard in which women were killed involved women who lived alone. I also think that if a person is attacking one person, at least the other person can call 911. I don't know I guess it's a false sense of security. I will try to stay as long as I can.

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16 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

Thank you for your advice. I can afford $500-$600 per month rent. I think it would be safer to live with a room-mate or friend than to live alone. All the horror stories I have heard in which women were killed involved women who lived alone. I also think that if a person is attacking one person, at least the other person can call 911. I don't know I guess it's a false sense of security. I will try to stay as long as I can.

Most of those horror stories happen to women who do dumb things like not lock their door before they go to sleep, live in areas with very high crime rates, invite men they barely know into their house, or give away sensitive information about where they live and their daily schedule on social media. If you have common sense and don't do the obviously dumb things, your chances of a 'horror story' happening to you are very, very small, even in the US. If you wear hijab, you decrease the chances of a horror story happening to you even more, since most predatory men will not even notice you. Also you should always have a copy of the Holy Quran in your house and put 'Ayat Al Qursi' over your front door as many muslims do. 

If you want to do the roomate thing, make sure to thoroughly check out the person you are living with. If they are not a trustworthy person, they will increase the probability of a 'horror story' happening to you, and won't decrease it. 

But like I said above, the main disadvantage to moving out before marriage, is that question mark that will be in the mind of the potential husband regarding the girls reputation. That is a hard thing to get past, for most men. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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On 5/20/2018 at 4:42 AM, rkazmi33 said:

:salam:

My parents have been pressurizing me to get married a lot recently. They were educated, broad-minded, kind parents. But now they have turned into uneducated, close-minded village people who think that I am out of control, and they need to "tame" me by getting me married. They constantly talk about how spoiled I am, and I am some sort of atheist. This is ridiculous because I try to follow Islam as much as I can. I only refuse to get married and have kids: these two things are not wajib. What's even more ridiculous is that my elder sister is not married, I have many cousins in Pakistan who are unmarried and older than me. Still they act like I am the only girl in the family who is refusing to get married/ and I am out of control/ having affairs. I am independent, I only live with them because I am scared to live alone. But they treat me like some rural girl in a backward village of Pakistan whose whole purpose in life is to get married and have kids. They need a male heir for their property and they are sure, only I can give them that heir. This is also ridiculous because they didn't have a son, and there's no guarantee that if I get married, I will be able to give them a male grand son. I am so hurt by their double standards and their behavior and I want to move out. We have seen numerous threads on shiachat created by women in the similar situations. They are going through emotional, psychological abuse and people always tell them to move out and become independent. The thing is, I can be financially independent, but I have never lived alone in my life.

In Pakistan, there are hostels for working women where they can pay rent and live and they don't have to worry about their safety. Is there such an arrangement in US?

I can look for a  room-mate, but I think if my own parents cannot tolerate me, how will a room-mate tolerate me? And what if it's not safe?

It seems like most people are part of cults and they are always looking for new recruits. Is it possible to find a room-mate who will not interfere in your life decisions and will let you live?

Should I look for a muslim roommate or may I live with a non-muslim roommate? 

My parents have told me many times to move out. If I move out, will they leave me alone? People who are constantly interfering in my life, will they not find other ways to disturb me even if I move out? 

I have told them many times that I can pay them rent if they want, but I just don't understand what they want from me. They just need a scape-goat all the time. Last year, it was my cousin who was staying at our house. He is the only doctor in our family, and he is very harmless person. He stayed at our house because he was trying to get residency. He used to go out of the house at 9 am everyday, came back at 9 pm, only had breakfast and dinner at our house, still I was shocked at how my parents treated him. They were always talking against him, calling him useless and lazy, spoiled and all sort of names. Since he is gone, I am their next target and it's effecting my self esteem so much. What are my options? 

If you find someone that’s also childfree then marry him and enjoy life togeather. Don’t get into a relationship where your husband will expect you to have kids that’s then worst thing that can happen and it’s also a dealbreaker. Kids can be really challenging and stressful not everyone can cope with them. I personally don’t want kids coz i can’t handle the responsibility and be commited Nor like  them nor can I cope with them very well it’s too much weight on my shoulders. Your not the only one that doesn’t want kids there a lot of people that are childfree but some are hiding and scared to come out.  

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@Anonymous2144! It's not just about kids. I read a Hadith that one corrupt woman can corrupt 1000 men and right now most of women have become corrupt. These women are sadistic, narcissists or they want to make all women like them. That's why they only target married men, especially husbands of modest women. So that they can torture those women, treat them like slaves. You know why my father hates me so much? He is having affairs with women of my age and those women think I don't deserve to live in a big house while those women have to live in apartments. I am more than happy to trade places with those women. I think their men are angels, since they are tolerating such women but do those women allow me to even look at their men? NO.

I had close relationships with only 2 men in my life. My ex-husband and my father and this is my impression: men don't have the ability to think or distinguish between right and wrong. They are all slaves to the promiscuous women, and they act like their pet dogs. Always attacking and terrorizing women whom their queens dislike. I am surrounded by promiscuous women. So even if by some miracle, I find a good man, he will be corrupted by these women. This is why they want me to have kids. Now I can go out of the house whenever I see my father in attack mode and escape him. If I have kids, I won't be able to escape him. Yes, I am a man-hating feminist. I am not sure if man-hating is correct word because I hate those women more who betray their own gender to get power. And there are a lot of women like that. 

This is my suggestion for all women. If you don't have a group of at least 4 or 5 loyal men in your life, who are always ready to protect you, this is a sign that you are one of the modest women. Don't get married, because you will be only miserable. Your only purpose of life will be to give an ego boost everyday to some queen or princess. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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18 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

@Anonymous2144! It's not just about kids. I read a Hadith that one corrupt woman can corrupt 1000 men and right now most of women have become corrupt. These women are sadistic, narcissists or they want to make all women like them. That's why they only target married men, especially husbands of modest women. So that they can torture those women, treat them like slaves. You know why my father hates me so much? He is having affairs with women of my age and those women think I don't deserve to live in a big house while those women have to live in apartments. I am more than happy to trade places with those women. I think their men are angels, since they are tolerating such women but do those women allow me to even look at their men? NO.

I had close relationships with only 2 men in my life. My ex-husband and my father and this is my impression: men don't have the ability to think or distinguish between right and wrong. They are all slaves to the promiscuous women, and they act like their pet dogs. Always attacking and terrorizing women whom their queens dislike. I am surrounded by promiscuous women. So even if by some miracle, I find a good man, he will be corrupted by these women. This is why they want me to have kids. Now I can go out of the house whenever I see my father in attack mode and escape him. If I have kids, I won't be able to escape him. Yes, I am a man-hating feminist. I am not sure if man-hating is correct word because I hate those women more who betray their own gender to get power. And there are a lot of women like that. 

This is my suggestion for all women. If you don't have a group of at least 4 or 5 loyal men in your life, who are always ready to protect you, this is a sign that you are one of the modest women. Don't get married, because you will be only miserable. Your only purpose of life will be to give an ego boost everyday to some queen or princess. 

Yeah women now a days are nuts that’s more got to do culture and society the Arab culture And some wog and Asian are partly corrupted and and society has emphasised on their narcissist parts which is really disappointing. Some just wanna breed for selfish reasons and some just want impress the their relatives or parents and end up having a miserable life. Society has and is becaming worse and worse,girls that are 14 or 15 are dressing like half naked and hitting on guys and the older ones are just even worse. And the some may dress modest but are very selfish and ask for too much to early but their are ones that are modest and fair and sadly they are the ones that are having a rough time weather they are Muslim or not. This is why I don’t let my mum to get me Married to some random chic that I don’t want. I also told her that I’ll look for the wife that I want and want I from a girl i don’t ask for too much but now a days most girls don’t meet my expectations simply because of society and stupid cultures. And men other hand are encouraging the ones that are partly naked to be more nude and do stupid stuff while men are being man hoers just like them which is really disappointing. It’s good that your childfree just do your obligations and live a normal simple lifestyle inshallah Allah well reward u for being Loyal to him and abstaining from going astray. 

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On 5/21/2018 at 10:09 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Yes, I am a man-hating feminist. I am not sure if man-hating is correct word because

Don’t want to sound demeaning in any way, as we empathize with your tough situation, but: have you considered seeking counselling or therapy? It sounds like your father and these women around you have traumatized you. Moving out or avoiding marriage frankly sounds like you’re running away from these problems rather than addressing them. Your posts in the past few months sound sorrowful and miserable, and as your brother, trying to say that in a humble but direct way. You’ve been given the short end of the stick yes, but it has led to you harbouring what appears to be hatred and grief for your surroundings.

To answer your initial question, moving out is always easier in theory. Are there any bright sides to living at home? Besides saving money and some responsibilities around the house. If it’s entirely negative, then you could find a good religious friend to be a roommate - you’re grown up and can make that decision. But living alone can be a lonely and difficult test.

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6 hours ago, Qa'im said:

 Moving out or avoiding marriage frankly sounds like you’re running away from these problems rather than addressing them. Your posts in the past few months sound sorrowful and miserable, and as your brother, trying to say that in a humble but direct way. You’ve been given the short end of the stick yes, but it has led to you harbouring what appears to be hatred and grief for your surroundings.

 

I am trying to avoid conflict and drama. For some people, constant fighting and debate is entertainment, for me it is emotionally draining and it makes me very upset. Marriage is also like a soap opera, people create love triangles, rectangles and enjoy the drama they get to see in marriages. I don't like soap operas. Any sane and decent person will try to avoid fighting and soap operas. The bottom line is marriage is not wajib, and only I have the right to decide when to get married. If anyone is forcing me into making this decision, they are wrong. 

I will try to find a religious roommate, thank you for your advice. I will also look into therapy. There are shelters for muslims in my city. If things get really bad, I will contact them. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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12 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I will try to find a religious roommate, thank you for your advice. I will also look into therapy. There are shelters for muslims in my city. If things get really bad, I will contact them. 

You might think you only have anxiety that you can deal with privately (on your own), but as much hardship as you have been through in the past you might have trauma (post traumatic stress) and need to talk to a therapist.  

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19 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I am trying to avoid conflict and drama. For some people, constant fighting and debate is entertainment, for me it is emotionally draining and it makes me very upset. Marriage is also like a soap opera, people create love triangles, rectangles and enjoy the drama they get to see in marriages. I don't like soap operas. Any sane and decent person will try to avoid fighting and soap operas. The bottom line is marriage is not wajib, and only I have the right to decide when to get married. If anyone is forcing me into making this decision, they are wrong. 

I will try to find a religious roommate, thank you for your advice. I will also look into therapy. There are shelters for muslims in my city. If things get really bad, I will contact them. 

By the way, therapy doesn't always have to be face to face. If you have anxiety about going to physically see someone and spill your heart out, there's online counseling websites that offer counseling for free, I've tried it and found it very very helpful. 

I agree with othe posters in that there's probably deeper issues happening with you subconsciously. If you talk to a therapist it would help to get into those deeper issues and get to the root of the problem. 

Wish you all the best :)

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