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Rayhana80

Cordial relationship with first wife of your hubby

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No one knows how many wives, temp or permanent that this man actually has.  If he is a keeper of secrets, then it is quite possible it does not end there.

In this situation though, the best thing for you, the OP, to do is to strictly stick to issues to do directly with your own marriage and your own marriage only. 

Getting involved in another of his marriages is not helpful to anyone (including you) and most likely, quite harmful. 

Keep your nose in your own home and affairs, regardless of the "I am so helpless" pleas from your husband to get involved in his and his wife's affairs. 

You will absolutely live to regret your meddling (yes, meddling!).

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12 hours ago, starlight said:

Could it be that he looked for another wife because he wasn't getting the comfort and support one rightfully expects from a wife? Why are we automatically assuming that he is the only one to blame for the unhappiness? Do we not know of any lousy wives who fail to take care of their husbands needs?

Sis, you and I, of all people know that one person cannot make a marriage a happy or successful one. I know of wives who are constantly bickering with their husbands over money, I know of wife who deny conjugal relations. What is the man supposed to do in such cases? 

Even if this isn't the case Islam gives a man to marry more than one woman at the same time,even if the first marriage is not a particularly unhappy one and no,just the mere act is not considered oppression towards the first wife neither are the second wives home wreckers.If that were so would you call lady Rubab and Lady Shahrbano the wives of Imam Hussain (as) homewreckers? Or Imam Hussain(as) an oppressor ?naudobillah.

Thank you for your post and understanding me. All I am trying to say is that a man needs peace in the house. Although he says how good she’s with the kids, the way she raised them and how well she cooks, I sometimes feel jealous of that too. He had an arranged marriage and they never got a chance to know one another, he doesn’t let his heart out with her but he enjoys taking to me because we both click.  When he met me, he realized the power of true love, he is happy with me.

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3 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

For the rest of feminists, the shia of Ayesha, the shia of Umer, shia of Macron, please hold your opinions to yourself, and go back to your miserable lives of single-hood or western standards of family, whatever it means really to you.

Dear brother, Shia of ali, please enlighten us ( "the Shia of aisha, umer and macron") why it is you believe that it is right on any level for that man to go ahead and remarry secretly for 4 years and then get angry when husband first wife finally "found out", obviously comepletely heartbroken and furious. She's literally been living a lie. I don't know if it's actually halal to keep second, third and forth marriages a secret, but surely lying is haram. The first wife has essentially been living the lie of believing that her husband loves her and she is his only wife.

Secondly, back home, in middle eastern and Asian countries, it may seem that all these "feminists" (who in reality are just people who want to be treated like humans and not objects to please their men) are looking for excuses to ruin society. But really, it's  the backwards and toxic thinking that you present that always puts the blame on the first wife for the husband's decision to remarry. Maybe there's something wrong with him since he can't just stick to one wife and work things out with her. It sounds to me that she just started "bickering" and he went ahead and brought home another wife. Also, if everyone continuously blames her and paints her as the evil bitter first wife, if she really wasn't, she'll just act to prove all that. It's called the self- fulfilling prophecy. So blaming her and creating a villain out of her will only backfire either way. And if it's honestly your belief that feminism is just when you have sympathy for others, then nothing I say will make a difference with you. 

Edited by Amira00

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May Allah bless you sister, your husband and his first wife. As far as I can see none of you have committed apparent sins, it seems to be a misunderstanding issue. Perhaps it is healthier if your husband is more transparent.

Edited by Sumerian

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10 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

May Allah bless you sister, your husband and his first wife. As far as I can see none of you have committed apparent sins, it seems to be a misunderstanding issue. Perhaps it is healthier if your husband is more transparent.

Um, she said they were “friends” before they got married? How did she not do haram by being friends with him prior to getting married? 

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2 hours ago, starlight said:

e. I know of wives who are constantly bickering with their husbands over money, I know of wife who deny conjugal

Everyone has arguments about something. If couples don’t argue about money, it’ll be about the kids, then if not the kids, then about in-laws—you get the drift.

A wife denying sexual relations with her husband is no excuse for any man to get another wife. Instead, he must communicate with her what his needs are until they find a middle ground. Maybe the wife is shy or has anxiety or has a low sex drive or genuinely tired. Find out the reason for a wife denying her spouse. 

Btw, a man not getting any sex does not give him the right to leave. As an example, I have vaginismus and would my husband leaving or getting another wife be the right answer, or working it out, like being patient and doing pelvic floor therapy? 

 

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On 5/19/2018 at 12:37 PM, Rayhana80 said:

I want to know if one can have a cordial, friendly relationship with her husband’s first wife? My husband expects me to be friendly to his wife. What should I do? Wouldn’t jealousy be involved in such situation since I know for sure that he loves me more than her. 

Being with a man with multiple wife’s can be heart breaking and also a headache if you can’t handle that kind of marriage then your better off going for a divorce and save yourself from big issues and if the husbands first wife is not happy and didn’t accept the marriage between you and her man then that marriage is not gonna end up well and a lot of problems well arise 

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4 hours ago, starlight said:

Could it be that he looked for another wife because he wasn't getting the comfort and support one rightfully expects from a wife? Why are we automatically assuming that he is the only one to blame for the unhappiness? Do we not know of any lousy wives who fail to take care of their husbands needs?

Maybe the first wife is a neglectful person, but the reported backbiting has made me think at least part and possibly all of the problem is him, and he will do the same to @Rayhana80

I do hope that I'm wrong. It just doesn't sound like a healthy situation, based on the information that she's shared. 

@Rayhana80 it might be a good idea to avoid having children until your husband is in a more stable situation. 

Edited by notme

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Oh eek im late to this. Okay so the first thing I remember reading was polygamous marriages/ relationships are uncommon, which is false to a degree. Firstly, yes most western countries do not agree to them and have laws against this, but they are becoming more common. In Islam of course, its allowed. They are more common in Sunni marriages and I know of many people who are in one and they are successful. Whether or not I would agree to one, I cant say that they are bad and will end badly. It depends on the people in the relationship. This is the same with Sunni Shia marriages, marriages with an age gap (legal age of course and not a massive age gap) and opposing personalities etc.

Your original question was about the first wife. I personally believe that regardless of your circumstances, and how toxic his first relationship may seem, be cordial. It will make things easy for both of you. She might not like you and vice versa but you are connected now. You have to therefore, for thr sake of your marriage and his first marriage, allow him to to have 2 healthy relationships. So for his sake and yours, be kind. Do not speak ill of her and honestly, open a dialogue. It will take time, everything does not come easy, it would work best if you did communicate with her.

Make sure you dont incinerate conversations he has with his first wife. Listen if you may, but dont allow him to speak bad about her. That would only give best for about your character too. So yes, be cordial, you dont have to best friends with her but be kind. Make his family yours. He has kids correct? Make sure he is paying attention to them, you and her. You have blessing in a marriage, so make sure you are the best version of yourself in it.

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I think we need to tone down the personal attacks in this thread.

Firstly, because if this goes any further, we'll need to lock the thread and I don't believe that's a good choice because the sister needs advice and help. Therefore, if people cannot give her the advice she needs or refrain from calling her names, then I suggest such people do not reply on this thread anymore as their positions have been made clear already and there is no more value in repeating the same things over and over.

Secondly, the sister hasn't done anything haram that we know of. Even if the first wife was hurt by the second marriage, the brunt of the responsibility would fall on the husband for choosing to marry again without informing her; in a lot of these matters, the OP is, at best, only tangentially responsible so if you are truly enraged about what has occurred, I would suggest directing your fury toward the husband instead of accosting her.

Lastly, regardless of whether you think what transpired was right or wrong, she's already in this position now and is looking for advice about how to proceed with her life, and how to live her life in peace with the first wife so why don't we focus on that instead of focusing on the past, which cannot be changed? 

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As for the advice I would give you personally, sister @Rayhana80, it's that you don't need to be nice to her but that is what's better. It's not only more ethical (and let's not forget that Islam is not just about what halal and haram but also about akhlaq  and ethics) but, in the long term, it will likely also result in an easier life for you without too much infighting between the two of you.

Be as nice to her as you can be, but take things at her pace. If she doesn't like talking to you currently, don't talk to her but just be nice in other ways, with small gestures and so on.

Also, your husband has a responsibility to spend equal amounts of time with you and her both. As his wife, I'm sure you want him to spend as much time with you as you can have but it is also your responsibility to guide him toward good deeds and away from sins, to look after his wellbeing not only in this life but also in the hereafter. As such, if he's not fulfilling his duty of spending equal amounts of time with both wives, that may be his sin and you won't be responsible but if you truly care about his hereafter, I suggest that you bring up this issue with him and convince him to be fairer in his allocation of time between the two of you. If you convince him to look after her better, I am sure she will also realise this and this is the best gesture you can make toward her, which should almost certainly make her more receptive and friendly toward you. In this way, you can both live happy and fulfilling marital lives.

Edited by Khadim uz Zahra

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OP: you know what you need to do. 

You just saying that the first wife is:

—“crazy”

— “going to ruin my marriage”

— what if she’s this/that

-- jealous

is not helping your situation. After you’ve been kept secret for this long, you should try to see that to his first wife, you’re the reason her family and trust in her husband is falling apart. You need to not confirm her suspicions about you and try to show that there is no bad blood between the two of you. 

So stop feeling confident that he won’t do the same thing for sure. Allah tests people, and so you need to do what is right. If you were a mistress than yes, you don’t have to associate with her. But seeing that you’re his wife shows that you are a part of the family, so you should refrain from pitting her husband against her because that will get you nowhere.

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On 5/18/2018 at 10:37 PM, Rayhana80 said:

I want to know if one can have a cordial, friendly relationship with her husband’s first wife? My husband expects me to be friendly to his wife. What should I do? Wouldn’t jealousy be involved in such situation since I know for sure that he loves me more than her. 

Looking at your past topics related to marriage, I am not sure if you are the first wife or the second wife. If you know that your husband loves you more than his other wife, you should not be jealous of her because he married you. If she is jealous of you, then you need to avoid her unless your husband is physically with you and can witness and/or protect you from her potentially jealous rage. 

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11 hours ago, Maha_13 said:

Oh eek im late to this. Okay so the first thing I remember reading was polygamous marriages/ relationships are uncommon, which is false to a degree. Firstly, yes most western countries do not agree to them and have laws against this, but they are becoming more common. In Islam of course, its allowed. They are more common in Sunni marriages and I know of many people who are in one and they are successful. Whether or not I would agree to one, I cant say that they are bad and will end badly. It depends on the people in the relationship. This is the same with Sunni Shia marriages, marriages with an age gap (legal age of course and not a massive age gap) and opposing personalities etc.

Your original question was about the first wife. I personally believe that regardless of your circumstances, and how toxic his first relationship may seem, be cordial. It will make things easy for both of you. She might not like you and vice versa but you are connected now. You have to therefore, for thr sake of your marriage and his first marriage, allow him to to have 2 healthy relationships. So for his sake and yours, be kind. Do not speak ill of her and honestly, open a dialogue. It will take time, everything does not come easy, it would work best if you did communicate with her.

Make sure you dont incinerate conversations he has with his first wife. Listen if you may, but dont allow him to speak bad about her. That would only give best for about your character too. So yes, be cordial, you dont have to best friends with her but be kind. Make his family yours. He has kids correct? Make sure he is paying attention to them, you and her. You have blessing in a marriage, so make sure you are the best version of yourself in it.

Thank you for your advice, I am trying to do the same. I am helping my husband by listening to him, I don’t argue with him. His wife on the other hand being very demanding, he tells him not to talk to me or text me while he is with her. How can that be possible? He can’t go an hour without texting me or talking to me. He doesn’t text or call her when he is with me because he doesn’t feel like it. Her nonsensical demands is making him run away from her. She cannot control him he is an adult himself. I tried to communicate with her, it seems like she’s not interested and making things more complicated. 

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2 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Looking at your past topics related to marriage, I am not sure if you are the first wife or the second wife. If you know that your husband loves you more than his other wife, you should not be jealous of her because he married you. If she is jealous of you, then you need to avoid her unless your husband is physically with you and can witness and/or protect you from her potentially jealous rage. 

 

5 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

OP: you know what you need to do. 

You just saying that the first wife is:

—“crazy”

— “going to ruin my marriage”

— what if she’s this/that

-- jealous

is not helping your situation. After you’ve been kept secret for this long, you should try to see that to his first wife, you’re the reason her family and trust in her husband is falling apart. You need to not confirm her suspicions about you and try to show that there is no bad blood between the two of you. 

So stop feeling confident that he won’t do the same thing for sure. Allah tests people, and so you need to do what is right. If you were a mistress than yes, you don’t have to associate with her. But seeing that you’re his wife shows that you are a part of the family, so you should refrain from pitting her husband against her because that will get you nowhere.

No I don’t have such intentions. I have never talked bad about her because there is nothing to talk about. I don’t know her and it seems like she’s not interested in talking to me. The only picture my husband painted of her is that she’s controlling and crazy. She talks trash about me to my husband that I am his mistress and I am a characterless person to go for a married man.

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On 5/21/2018 at 7:38 PM, Rayhana80 said:

Thank you for your advice, I am trying to do the same. I am helping my husband by listening to him, I don’t argue with him. His wife on the other hand being very demanding, he tells him not to talk to me or text me while he is with her. How can that be possible? He can’t go an hour without texting me or talking to me. He doesn’t text or call her when he is with me because he doesn’t feel like it. Her nonsensical demands is making him run away from her. She cannot control him he is an adult himself. I tried to communicate with her, it seems like she’s not interested and making things more complicated. 

As I suggested earlier, sister, this is where you may not be obligated to do something but it is better for you to be kind. For example, obviously, if he is with her, she will not like it if he's simply messaging you all the time. This goes against his Islamic duty of spending equal amounts of time with both wives; being physically present with one wife, while ignoring her entirely and just messaging the other goes against the spiirt of justice, and possibly even against the law.

As such, if your husband himself is unwilling to stop messaging you during her time, then you should take the initiative and ask him to stop messaging you when he is with her (or, you should not reply to him even if he messages you). Make it clear to him that his responsibility requires him to pay attention to her as well. I know this will be hard for you and will be a great sacrifice on your part but God rewards the patient and those who sacrifice on His behalf. Your reward in the hereafter for doing so will be beyond measure.

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1 hour ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

As I suggested earlier, sister, this is where you may not be obligated to do something but it is better for you to be kind. For example, obviously, if he is with her, she will not like it if he's simply messaging you all the time. This goes against his Islamic duty of spending equal amounts of time with both wives; being physically present with one wife, while ignoring her entirely and just messaging the other goes against the spiirt of justice, and possibly even against the law.

As such, if your husband himself is unwilling to stop messaging you during her time, then you should take the initiative and ask him to stop messaging you when he is with her (or, you should not reply to him even if he messages you). Make it clear to him that his responsibility requires him to pay attention to her as well. I know this will be hard for you and will be a great sacrifice on your part but God rewards the patient and those who sacrifice on His behalf. Your reward in the hereafter for doing so will be beyond measure.

He is not obliged at all to spend equal time with both wives. The law simply pertains to sharing night time between the wives.

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Just now, Sumerian said:

He is not obliged at all to spend equal time with both wives. The law simply pertains to sharing night time between the wives.

I stand corrected. The general principle was what I was getting at; even if he only has to distribute the nights equally, if he's just messaging the other wife during one wife's night time, then he's going against the spirit of that law. I didn't go so far as to say that he is going against the law itself because, well, cell phones didn't exist back then and I'd rather leave it to a jurist to decide whether there's a difference between physically being there and mentally being there.

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I think this thread should stay locked, but I'm not going to lock it since other mods think it should stay open.  I think it should be locked because there is too much speculation about who is doing what and who is to blame for what in this situation. None of you on this thread, except the OP know anything at all about this relationship. Words have consequences. 

To the OP, you have been given the best advice by br forte earliers in the thread when he said to focus on your relationship with your husband and forget about his relationship with his first wife. That is not your marriage and it is none of your business. If he talks bad about his first wife to you then this is gheeba, and a particularly vile and toxic kind of gheeba since it is gheeba against a women he has shared his life with and has a commitment to, regardless of her faults. We all have faults. If he does this, then he has a serious character flaw and it speaks to his trustworthiness, sorry to say that. 

If you get involved in this gheeba and buy into it by your actions or your words, as others have said, there will be serious consequences for this, both in this life and the next. I hope you are not foolish enough to do that. 

If he married you, (I am assuming in the proper way from a fiqh standpoint) then you are his wife and your marriage is blessed by Allah(s.w.a). Don't chase away that blessing by doing gheeba and thulm toward his first wife. InShahAllah, he will eventually mend relations with his first wife and you can all live happily every after. 

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On 5/21/2018 at 2:50 AM, forte said:

No one knows how many wives, temp or permanent that this man actually has.  If he is a keeper of secrets, then it is quite possible it does not end there.

In this situation though, the best thing for you, the OP, to do is to strictly stick to issues to do directly with your own marriage and your own marriage only. 

Getting involved in another of his marriages is not helpful to anyone (including you) and most likely, quite harmful. 

Keep your nose in your own home and affairs, regardless of the "I am so helpless" pleas from your husband to get involved in his and his wife's affairs. 

You will absolutely live to regret your meddling (yes, meddling!).

I am not meddling, all I am trying to do is to help my husband. I feel sometimes if he’s so distressed why is he not divorcing his first wife? I have never asked him such a question because I don’t want to give him wrong ideas. I want him to be fair to his wife as well, he tells me that they fight everyday, I always tell him to be nice to her. 

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On 5/21/2018 at 8:08 PM, Khadim uz Zahra said:

As I suggested earlier, sister, this is where you may not be obligated to do something but it is better for you to be kind. For example, obviously, if he is with her, she will not like it if he's simply messaging you all the time. This goes against his Islamic duty of spending equal amounts of time with both wives; being physically present with one wife, while ignoring her entirely and just messaging the other goes against the spiirt of justice, and possibly even against the law.

As such, if your husband himself is unwilling to stop messaging you during her time, then you should take the initiative and ask him to stop messaging you when he is with her (or, you should not reply to him even if he messages you). Make it clear to him that his responsibility requires him to pay attention to her as well. I know this will be hard for you and will be a great sacrifice on your part but God rewards the patient and those who sacrifice on His behalf. Your reward in the hereafter for doing so will be beyond measure.

 I can’t force him to do things which can go against me. If he texts me of course I am going to reply, I can’t ignore him, that will make him angry. He never had that relationship with his wife ever, he wouldn’t share stuff with her like he does with me. Ever since she got to know about our marriage she is after his life for attention and time. He has always been the same with her it’s just that she didn’t care before and now she is arguing, fighting, and crying all the time just to get his attention. She doesn’t know he hates her more when she does all that. That’s what he keeps telling me, he is sick and tired of her annoying behavior with him. He wants her to talk to me and be friendly but she gets mad and being reluctant.

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2 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

I feel sometimes if he’s so distressed why is he not divorcing his first wife?

The most probable reason he isn't divorcing her is because he has kids with her. 

Anyway, you shouldn't concern yourself with his first marriage and relations with his first wife. He is a grown up man and should be able to deal with these problems himself.

The best thing you can do to help him is provide him emotional and physical comfort and not be inquisitive about his first marriage. If he shares anything from there with you just listen without responding and do not repeat it anywhere,not with your family, not with your friends and not with people on an online forum. If you have chosen to be in a marriage like this you need to develop a restraint with your words and emotions when it comes things outside your and his marriage.

I am not the first one here giving you this advice. This has been said to you earlier in the thread too. I don't think there is anything else than can be added in terms of advising you.Anything after this would be a mere repitition. Now its upto you to think about these things and put them into practice. 

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