Jump to content
Rayhana80

Cordial relationship with first wife of your hubby

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

4 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

The sheikh lied, in the Quran, a man cannot have favorites. (4:3)

You are miss using this ayah brother, no where does it talk about favorites. You cannot control whether you have a "favorite" or not. The ayah talks about doing justice between your wives. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Shi3i_jadeed said:

You are miss using this ayah brother, no where does it talk about favorites. You cannot control whether you have a "favorite" or not. The ayah talks about doing justice between your wives. 

Justice and fairness means not spending all your time with one wife, and not thinking that another wife is above the other, which is clear that he views his first wife as inferior and favors the OP.

The husband doesn’t treat his first wife fairly or kind and calls her all sort of ugly things. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Shi3i_jadeed said:

You are miss using this ayah brother, no where does it talk about favorites. You cannot control whether you have a "favorite" or not. The ayah talks about doing justice between your wives. 

Favoritism is injustice and haram, is it not?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Justice and fairness means not spending all your time with one wife, and not thinking that another wife is above the other, which is clear that he views his first wife as inferior and favors the OP.

I won't argue with you on that on, spending all your time with one wife and not the other (unless she gives permission for that) is not treating her fairly. I just mean you cannot control emotional favoritism but you can control how you deal with them. Here is an excerpt from sistani.org:


Question: What is the meaning of “justice” required by religious law in dealing with one’s wives?

Answer: The justice that is required [in dealing with polygamy] is related to the division [of time between them] in the sense that when he spends a night with one of them then, he must spend one night each with the rest of them in every four nights.The justice that is required as a recommendation is equality in spending money, giving attention, cheerfulness, and fulfillment of their sexual needs, etc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Shi3i_jadeed said:

I won't argue with you on that on, spending all your time with one wife and not the other (unless she gives permission for that) is not treating her fairly. I just mean you cannot control emotional favoritism but you can control how you deal with them. Here is an excerpt from sistani.org:


Question: What is the meaning of “justice” required by religious law in dealing with one’s wives?

Answer: The justice that is required [in dealing with polygamy] is related to the division [of time between them] in the sense that when he spends a night with one of them then, he must spend one night each with the rest of them in every four nights.The justice that is required as a recommendation is equality in spending money, giving attention, cheerfulness, and fulfillment of their sexual needs, etc.

He clearly isn’t doing justice. He does not treat his first wife the same in cheerfulness, giving attention. He doesn’t even deal with them justly even according to Sistani. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

I have all of his attention what else is there to ask for? 

Justice? 

Maybe if you never have children or anything that causes stress, you will always be his favorite wife. Maybe as soon as you annoy him with responsibilities, he'll go find a third wife. 

From what you've said, this doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

Where in Quran says that?its says u have support financially but emotionally u have no control 

If you can't control your emotions, you aren't ready for marriage.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, notme said:

Justice? 

Maybe if you never have children or anything that causes stress, you will always be his favorite wife. Maybe as soon as you annoy him with responsibilities, he'll go find a third wife. 

From what you've said, this doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

We both understand each other. we never arugued with one another. We have been together for over 4 years now and recently his wife is giving him hard time when she found out about it. I am only trying to help my husband in any way I can. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

Where in Quran says that?its says u have support financially but emotionally u have no control 

"Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice." (4:3)

Quote

وَإِنۡ خِفۡتُمۡ أَلَّا تُقۡسِطُواْ فِى ٱلۡيَتَـٰمَىٰ فَٱنكِحُواْ مَا طَابَ لَكُم مِّنَ ٱلنِّسَآءِ مَثۡنَىٰ وَثُلَـٰثَ وَرُبَـٰعَ‌ۖ فَإِنۡ خِفۡتُمۡ أَلَّا تَعۡدِلُواْ فَوَٲحِدَةً أَوۡ مَا مَلَكَتۡ أَيۡمَـٰنُكُمۡ‌ۚ ذَٲلِكَ أَدۡنَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعُولُواْ (٣

@Rayhana80 ^^^^ You're right, he has a right but only under certain conditions...

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, notme said:

If you can't control your emotions, you aren't ready for marriage.

The ruling has been given by many marjas they don’t deny it. It’s not a sin to be emotionally inclined to one wife as long as he is fulfilling his duty taking care of his first wife as family financially. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

Islam gave him right to keep 4 wives, now who are me and you to deny it. If my daughter acts like his first wife then surely she will suffer.

How do you know what he’s saying is true 

and what if he one day starts talking bad about you to others 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

"Marry women of your choice, Two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice." (4:3)

@Rayhana80 ^^^^ You're right, he has a right but only under certain conditions...

Yes but his case totally justifies it because of his wife’s behavior with him. He is not happy with her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

How do you know what he’s saying is true 

and what if he one day starts talking bad about you to others 

No he won’t because we both love and understand eachother. His wife doesn’t understand him that is why he doesn’t love her. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

The ruling has been given by many marjas they don’t deny it. It’s not a sin to be emotionally inclined to one wife as long as he is fulfilling his duty taking care of his first wife as family financially. 

I have never heard of that and I call nonsense on that, most maraji say men have to fulfill the emotional and sexual needs of the wife as well. Finances are but only one part of a marriage. Your husband is not allowed to have favorites, period.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Not according to many Marjas. Your husband would need permission from his first wife out of respect for her. Some Marjas do allow it, but many don’t.

Stop making up stuff. Who are these "many" marjas? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's only mustahab for the husband to give both wives equal attention.

Proof:

Question: What is the meaning of “justice” required by religious law in dealing with one’s wives?

Answer: The justice that is required [in dealing with polygamy] is related to the division [of time between them] in the sense that when he spends a night with one of them then, he must spend one night each with the rest of them in every four nights.The justice that is required as a recommendation is equality in spending money, giving attention, cheerfulness, and fulfillment of their sexual needs, etc.

https://www.al-islam.org/a-code-of-practice-for-muslims-in-the-west-ayatullah-sistani/marriage

 

As long as he shares night time between them in the just method, then he has done his obligation. He can have favourites all he wants, he is not obliged to follow something mustahab.

Edited by Sumerian

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/20/2018 at 6:12 PM, Rayhana80 said:

Look if he wants to have another wife I won’t stop him. He is already so tied up with work and between two wives that he doesn’t have time for anything else. I don’t think he will go for the third one. It’s not easy to support two wives financially nowadays. I work full time pay my bills he is happy with that. I don’t need his money, I am financially stable, own a house. All I need is his love and attention. 

Askm dear sister @Rayhana80: wonderful post. Congratulations.

I don't know really at what planet most of SC folks live on, even some apparently enlightened ones.

For records: No, it is not wajib to tell anything to 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th to whatever halal stuff a man wants to pursue. Tough it out or go fight with RasulAllah S if you have any problems with Islam, or join Ayesha under her camel and fight it out with Imam Ali AS. 

No, you must not insist on making your marriage known to the world, most of the Shia are in fact Shia of Ayesha, they will kill you with your gossips, back biting, hatred, and jealousy of why are you enjoying a loving husband when they can't in their seemingly mono-G husbands. 

It is best for her, the first one, if she has an iota of Aql to shut up and retain her and her husband's honor in whatever community they are living in. After all, no matter how good a wife, a believer, a homemaker, a mother she might be, the more she will raise the dust, the more she will be labelled the "1st wife whose husband went for the 2nd one".

Yes, you must insist on hiding yours as well, no matter how good a person you are, how good a believer you are, how good a career you have, how good a mother you could be, how good a daughter / sister / mother you could be, you will always be known as "the 2nd woman" from now on in your community.

Please, have pity on your husband, because no matter how fine a person, a husband, a father, a son, a believer, a professional, a human he might be, henceforth his only and only recognition in this community of hedons would be "Oh that one with two wives".

So it is best to keep things low between the three of you, keep things in the house now that the 1st one knows, keep it hush, live your life, do not make her, him, or you make yourself the opera of the town. Live your life quietly according the lifestyle of Muhammad S and Ahlulbayt AS and leave the jealous ones to their own devices.

For the rest of feminists, the shia of Ayesha, the shia of Umer, shia of Macron, please hold your opinions to yourself, and go back to your miserable lives of single-hood or western standards of family, whatever it means really to you.

For you and your husband - God bless, may Allah swt let you both benefit from each other with bliss, love, rahma, mercy, benevolence, joy, fun, long weekends of romance, wonderful vacations, coupled Hajj and ziaraat, and much much more. Have your cake and eat it too without bragging about it. To your original question, tell him, your duty is to please him and his duty is to please you, and both of you to please your Master Allah swt and His vicegerent on earth, that is your Imam, and nobody else.  

My apologies in advance if I've hurt someone inadvertently. These fasts are making me edgy and a bit more brash than I should be. Must be age!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes but his case totally justifies it because of his wife’s behavior with him. He is not happy with her. 

It's not her job to make him happy while he goes off having fun. Marriage requires teamwork - both spouses need to take care of each other. She's hurt by his lies. The only wife who wouldn't be hurt by her husband sneaking around would be one who doesn't love him. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I have never heard of that and I call nonsense on that, most maraji say men have to fulfill the emotional and sexual needs of the wife as well. Finances are but only one part of a marriage. Your husband is not allowed to have favorites, period.

Where does it say that he cannot have a favorite wife? A husband is obliged to fulfill financial needs of a wife but if he is emotionally inclined to one and love one wife more than other it’s not a sin. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Did he tell you directly I don’t love her 

maybe he tells her I don’t love rayhana

He tells me that he says that just to calm her down because she acts crazy otherwise. I tell my husband that she tries to control him and of course he doesn’t like it. He is sick and tired of her crying and fighting. I wish I could help my husband as I feel he is under a lot of stress  lately. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Stop dodging. He left her emotionally to be with you. You have all his attention—good for you. What about his first wife? Doesn’t she need attention? And it’s mandatory in islam for the husband to treat his wives equally and he’s clearly not doing that, especially if you “have all the attention”.  

He is trying his best to be honest. Its just that they don’t click and we do. His wife is not accepting our relationship which is making things more worse. She knows for sure that he won’t leave me ever then why can’t she just accept it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/21/2018 at 1:15 AM, notme said:

It's not her job to make him happy while he goes off having fun. Marriage requires teamwork - both spouses need to take care of each other. She's hurt by his lies. The only wife who wouldn't be hurt by her husband sneaking around would be one who doesn't love him. 

Could it be that he looked for another wife because he wasn't getting the comfort and support one rightfully expects from a wife? Why are we automatically assuming that he is the only one to blame for the unhappiness? Do we not know of any lousy wives who fail to take care of their husbands needs?

Sis, you and I, of all people know that one person cannot make a marriage a happy or successful one. I know of wives who are constantly bickering with their husbands over money, I know of wife who deny conjugal relations. What is the man supposed to do in such cases? 

Even if this isn't the case Islam gives a man to marry more than one woman at the same time,even if the first marriage is not a particularly unhappy one and no,just the mere act is not considered oppression towards the first wife neither are the second wives home wreckers.If that were so would you call lady Rubab and Lady Shahrbano the wives of Imam Hussain (as) homewreckers? Or Imam Hussain(as) an oppressor ?naudobillah.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×