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Cordial relationship with first wife of your hubby

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I want to know if one can have a cordial, friendly relationship with her husband’s first wife? My husband expects me to be friendly to his wife. What should I do? Wouldn’t jealousy be involved in such situation since I know for sure that he loves me more than her. 

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You are under no obligation to do that.  Tell your husband your Islamic duty is towards him only and not towards his other wives. The most he should expect you to do is not create any problems in their marriage. That's all, anything more than that would be an additional favour which you might or might not want to do.

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You don’t have to be friendly with her, as in, gab about things as if you two are BFFs.

HOWEVER, you must be polite out of respect and not rude, sarcastic, mean, or hurtful. Don’t show any negative attitudes or let her develop the impression that you are arrogant or above her in any shape or form. You stating that “he loves me more than her” shows your arrogance. He may do the same thing he did to his wife, and you might not be his favorite anymore, so drop the “I’m so much better than his wife” attitude. 

Just start with being polite and kind and keep conversation light and about day-to-day things. Kindness is free. Meanness or refusal to talk at all will cause problems. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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15 hours ago, Rayhana80 said:

I want to know if one can have a cordial, friendly relationship with her husband’s first wife? My husband expects me to be friendly to his wife. What should I do? Wouldn’t jealousy be involved in such situation since I know for sure that he loves me more than her. 

A true test of character is staying true to who you are regardless of who is in front of you.

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21 hours ago, Rayhana80 said:

I want to know if one can have a cordial, friendly relationship with her husband’s first wife? My husband expects me to be friendly to his wife. What should I do? Wouldn’t jealousy be involved in such situation since I know for sure that he loves me more than her. 

How can you be sure that he loves her more than you? Why would he marry you then? Islamically, he should love you both equally and treat you both equally, so unless you have reason to believe so, don't let your mind run off with thoughts of "he loves her more than me".

Its easier said than done, but make the best of your situation, and in my opinion try to become friends with her, or at least civil. Because it will just save you a whole lot of headaches and will help you with your relationship with your husband and if you have kids in the future. 

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8 hours ago, Amira00 said:

How can you be sure that he loves her more than you? Why would he marry you then? Islamically, he should love you both equally and treat you both equally, so unless you have reason to believe so, don't let your mind run off with thoughts of "he loves her more than me".

Its easier said than done, but make the best of your situation, and in my opinion try to become friends with her, or at least civil. Because it will just save you a whole lot of headaches and will help you with your relationship with your husband and if you have kids in the future. 

Sis she thinks her husband loves her more 

 

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15 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

You don’t have to be friendly with her, as in, gab about things as if you two are BFFs.

HOWEVER, you must be polite out of respect and not rude, sarcastic, mean, or hurtful. Don’t show any negative attitudes or let her develop the impression that you are arrogant or above her in any shape or form. You stating that “he loves me more than her” shows your arrogance. He may do the same thing he did to his wife, and you might not be his favorite anymore, so drop the “I’m so much better than his wife” attitude. 

Just start with being polite and kind and keep conversation light and about day-to-day things. Kindness is free. Meanness or refusal to talk at all will cause problems. 

Thank you so much I thought it was very bigheaded of the  op maybe loves his first wife more than her 

Edited by Sisterfatima1

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On 5/19/2018 at 1:37 PM, ShiaMan14 said:

A true test of character is staying true to who you are regardless of who is in front of you.

I don’t know what kind of person she is.  what if she’s a melodramatic type, or maybe a liar. Who knows? What if she creates misunderstanding between me and my husband?  What if I say something to her and she takes it the other way? It will be more of a headache to clear things up, I will be in a big mess then.

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On 5/19/2018 at 1:30 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

You don’t have to be friendly with her, as in, gab about things as if you two are BFFs.

HOWEVER, you must be polite out of respect and not rude, sarcastic, mean, or hurtful. Don’t show any negative attitudes or let her develop the impression that you are arrogant or above her in any shape or form. You stating that “he loves me more than her” shows your arrogance. He may do the same thing he did to his wife, and you might not be his favorite anymore, so drop the “I’m so much better than his wife” attitude. 

Just start with being polite and kind and keep conversation light and about day-to-day things. Kindness is free. Meanness or refusal to talk at all will cause problems. 

Have u been in a situation like this ever? It sounds easy but it’s very difficult to deal with it. I want to hear from someone who is actually in a polygamous marraige. Does it work out well?

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12 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Thank you so much I thought it was very bigheaded of the  op maybe loves his first wife more than her 

Well he fell in love with me while he was already married which is quite obvious that he loves me more than her. I told him straight in the beginning that I am not interested in any haram relationship. If he loved his wife more, he wouldn’t have approached me for second marriage. 

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On 5/18/2018 at 10:52 PM, starlight said:

You are under no obligation to do that.  Tell your husband your Islamic duty is towards him only and not towards his other wives. The most he should expect you to do is not create any problems in their marriage. That's all, anything more than that would be an additional favour which you might or might not want to do.

JazakAllah.. this totally makes sense ..I will stick to it!

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11 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

I don’t know what kind of person she is.  what if she’s a melodramatic type, or maybe a liar. Who knows? What if she creates misunderstanding between me and my husband?  What if I say something to her and she takes it the other way? It will be more of a headache to clear things up, I will be in a big mess then.

That all depends on whether your husband asked for her permission to marry you beforehand. If he didn't, I don't even know if the marriage is valid because from what I know, the man must gain permission from his first wife.

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1 minute ago, Rayhana80 said:

Well he fell in love with me while he was already married which is quite obvious that he loves me more than her. I told him straight in the beginning that I am not interested in any haram relationship. If he loved his wife more, he wouldn’t have approached me for second marriage. 

That's the wrong attitude to have, especially entering a polygamous marriage. Your opinions will probably be mirrored by your actions around the first wife and obviously that will cause problems. 

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10 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

Have u been in a situation like this ever? It sounds easy but it’s very difficult to deal with it. I want to hear from someone who is actually in a polygamous marraige. Does it work out well?

You’re not going to find many people in polygamous marriages, period. 

There have been people (older couples) and it never works because the second wife tends to ruin the marriage between her husband and his first wife. 

If it’s difficult to deal with, why would you marry a man already with a wife? 

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Just now, Amira00 said:

That all depends on whether your husband asked for her permission to marry you beforehand. If he didn't, I don't even know if the marriage is valid because from what I know, the man must gain permission from his first wife.

May I ask what is the source of your statement? To my understanding a man doesn’t even need permission from his wife for second/consecutive marraiges or even mutah if marrying a Muslim woman. Our marraige is 100% valid.

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1 minute ago, Rayhana80 said:

May I ask what is the source of your statement? To my understanding a man doesn’t even need permission from his wife for second/consecutive marraiges or even mutah if marrying a Muslim woman. Our marraige is 100% valid.

Not according to many Marjas. Your husband would need permission from his first wife out of respect for her. Some Marjas do allow it, but many don’t.

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2 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

You’re not going to find many people in polygamous marriages, period. 

There have been people (older couples) and it never works because the second wife tends to ruin the marriage between her husband and his first wife. 

If it’s difficult to deal with, why would you marry a man already with a wife? 

Because I couldn’t find a better Muslim man who doesn’t drink gamble or do other haram stuff. He is a religious person but his first wife is not happy with our marriage. He tells me all the time that she annoys him and he is not happy with her. 

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10 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

JazakAllah.. this totally makes sense ..I will stick to it!

Sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to not be nice to her. 

Remember, she’s part of your family now too.

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1 minute ago, Rayhana80 said:

Because I couldn’t find a better Muslim man who doesn’t drink gamble or do other haram stuff. He is a religious person but his first wife is not happy with our marriage. He tells me all the time that she annoys him and he is not happy with her. 

His marriage with her is separate from your marriage with him. Just take care of your own marriage and don't get involved in their marriage because it will get messy.

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1 minute ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Not according to many Marjas. Your husband would need permission from his first wife out of respect for her. Some Marjas do allow it, but many don’t.

There u go thank you for the clarification. Asking for other marriages out of respect is a different thing not mandatory. First wives would never allow so they don’t even bother to ask! My husband first wife giving him hard time because she doesn’t have taqwa. It’s his right, he can have four wives at a time. 

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Just now, Rayhana80 said:

Because I couldn’t find a better Muslim man who doesn’t drink gamble or do other haram stuff. He is a religious person but his first wife is not happy with our marriage. He tells me all the time that she annoys him and he is not happy with her. 

There are plenty of good Muslim men out there. Plenty of religious men.

Well, just as I thought. He is not happy with his first marriage and you have a part to play by him marrying you. 

Btw, what if you become an annoying wife? What then? Will he just marry someone else? A person who marries someone else for no real/strong reason such as annoyance is just looking for an escape. No man should leave his wife just for being annoyed with her. 

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1 minute ago, Amira00 said:

His marriage with her is separate from your marriage with him. Just take care of your own marriage and don't get involved in their marriage because it will get messy.

I know but he loves to share it with me how hard time and headaches she give him all the time. I can’t tell him not to share, he is just venting out, he feels better discussing it with me. 

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4 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

There u go thank you for the clarification. Asking for other marriages out of respect is a different thing not mandatory. First wives would never allow so they don’t even bother to ask! My husband first wife giving him hard time because she doesn’t have taqwa. It’s his right, he can have four wives at a time. 

Sister, it is mandatory to ask for the first wife's permission. 

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32 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

I don’t know what kind of person she is.  what if she’s a melodramatic type, or maybe a liar. Who knows? What if she creates misunderstanding between me and my husband?  What if I say something to her and she takes it the other way? It will be more of a headache to clear things up, I will be in a big mess then.

You will bring out that side of her if you don’t attempt to be kind. You avoiding her will make it worse. 

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