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In the Name of God بسم الله

I feel lost, lonely, depressed. PLEASE help!

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  • Advanced Member

I have been in the same situation but honestly its simple. It will go, you wont always stay like this, just like you I suffered for months and wanted to leave the world, but these depressions and suffering are never permanent. They will go eventually. It might take you a month to go away or weeks or years. But the important thing is, to not give up hope. Trust me there is going to be a time where you will be happier. What you should do is start looking at the positive side of things and move on. It sounds easy to write but obviously hard in real life. When your parents are following you to the mall, In your head make it seem as if they want you to be safe, yes you are 25 but look at the bright side. Think of it by the next year or month or week your dad will hopefully not repeat that.

Also avoid haram relationships. They cause depression if you dont know how to control them. You say you fear of telling them of getting married. Sorry but you aint 12, you're 25. You're meant to be living your own life. If you wanna get married get married to the right person, the person you feel truly happy with. After you feel secure in him, tell your parents. Yes youre parents arent the best but till when do you want to hide it. One day you will tell them so you might as well tell them now. Be strong, Face your fears.

The important thing is for you is to stay strong. Imagine this as a very annoying and long Boss level. Its hard, its annoying, its depressing but it will end. The boss level wont go on forever, there will be ups and downs but at the end there will be happiness. 

Right now what you have to do is be patient and have trust in Allah. Also face your fears, this is important, the more you stay away from your fears the worse it gets, the closer you get to your fears the better you will feel. Right now be happy. Yes this is hard because you are depressed, BUT, I dont know what makes you happy, but think of that thing that gets you happy. It could be owning a car, or a bike, or a house or having a husband or learning to cook, or being an actor. Whatever makes you happy put it in your head that this tough stage of your life WILL FINISH, and you will get to your happiness. 

Also forced relationships are haram, if you feel like the person they will give is going to cause issues dont be with them, this will do nothing but make problems in the future. Also you said you are drowning in debt. Honestly I dont know how you done that at 25 but get a job and little by little pay it off. You will feel happier. Work on the weekend or something like that.

That is what I got to say. But simply dont give up, it will finish and stay strong and face your fears, and be happy.

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Salaam Alaykum

First of all I'll do dua for your family situation. Inshaallah it will be better.

I see that you are suffering in your family. You didn't do the right thing by rejecting your proposals. That is wrong. Sister, men work a lot on themselves to propose a girl, then you reject without telling them your situation. Next time tell the guy your family situation and your father mentality. Tell him and share your concerns with him. It is not correct to reject them easily. Sister, men are willing to sacrifice and do everything for their wife. That guy is willing to talk with Shaikh of the mosque to go and talk with your dad. There are a lot of these men at mosques. Next time talk with Shaikh of the mosque and introduce your guy and both of you should talk with each other and share concerns. Don't reject without telling him anything. BTW, don't lose your connection with mosque. There are a lot of men coming to mosque to get married, so be active there. Don't lose hope. Be energetic and happy.

Regarding your dad, you can talk with Shaikh of the mosque and share your concerns. Tell him to talk with your dad and convince him on you getting married with a pious man. Also ask him to tell your dad to be kinder towards family.

Your the oldest sister, so talk with your younger sister more often. Talk with her, kid with her, be close to her. Tell her to be active at mosque as well, so that a guy can propose her as well. Don't miss your opportunities. Take care of your sister and try to be happy together. Also talk with your dad to get married. Tell him you need husband and marriage. Remember be respectful and calm but firm on your needs. Also talk with Shaikh of the mosque on this situayion. Your now 25. If you don't do anything, you miss this time as well. So ask for his help.

Do Dua Tawassul on your situation. I also do dua for you and your family. Be happy, religious, and strong.  Be active at mosque. Don't reject proposals. If you get proposed, the very first thing you should do is talking with the guy at the mosque and tell him your situation. Involve Shaikh as well.

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Being a Female Myself and after reading your post: I'd suggest you to make youself Independent, Work on your skills of communication and self confidence that you lacking at this stage due to all your saddening life situation. FInd a job for yourself to earn your bread, and things would fall in place... NO One can be of your help if you  doesn't know about how to live your own life to earn  your own bread. Happy to talk with you in PM or on Telephone.

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On 5/18/2018 at 1:08 AM, Sisterfatima1 said:

Regarding your dad, you can talk with Shaikh of the mosque and share your concerns. Tell him to talk with your dad and convince him on you getting married with a pious man. Also ask him to tell your dad to be kinder towards family.

Your the oldest sister, so talk with your younger sister more often. Talk with her, kid with her, be close to her. Tell her to be active at mosque as well, so that a guy can propose her as well. Don't miss your opportunities. Take care of your sister and try to be happy together. Also talk with your dad to get married. Tell him you need husband and marriage. Remember be respectful and calm but firm on your needs. Also talk with Shaikh of the mosque on this situayion. Your now 25. If you don't do anything, you miss this time as well. So ask for his help. 

Do Dua Tawassul on your situation. I also do dua for you and your family. Be happy, religious, and strong.  Be active at mosque. Don't reject proposals. If you get proposed, the very first thing you should do is talking with the guy at the mosque and tell him your situation. Involve Shaikh as well.

No, I said a pious man. Someone whom the OP feels connection with

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Salam! I am very sorry to learn about your situation. My suggestion is to forget about marriage. If you marry someone your family chooses, he will probably have the same mentality. But don't marry someone without approval of your family. As you mentioned, your father will probably kill you. People will probably tell you, that you live in west. It's not so easy to kill someone. But trust me, even if your family doesn't kill you, they will find a way to make your life hell. Right now, you need to focus on your career, so that you can become independent in case your family tries to force you to get married with someone. You can do minimum payment for your debt. Go to a councellor and ask about a career in which you won't need to interact with people a lot. I am sure such jobs exist. Dealing with a husband is much harder than dealing with co-workers. You need to become emotionally strong before you get married. I will repeat, don't get married to anyone without your family's approval but don't say yes to any marriage they arrange for you. This is just a bad time for women. I will say you have been lucky because none of the men you had relationships with, tried to black mail you. Focus on solving one problem at a time. My suggestion is that you should focus on finding a suitable job for you and forget about marriage and your debt (if it is possible, just make the minimum payment every month). If you can find a job, it will be good for your self esteem and you will feel you have some control over your life. Don't buy a car, or a house. Try to save money as long as your family doesn't force you to get married. Try to get medications for your depression/ anxiety. Medications really help a lot. 

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On 5/17/2018 at 2:18 PM, needAllah said:

that my parents would change, ill get a job ill atleast be happy to work in and not be rejected and somehow I may marry the right person who I would love and would be from my own choice....but I know it is false hopes. 

Salam consider that your parents want the best for you but they are educated by different culture & background from your current situation so its hard for them to adopt with new situation & they are trying to make an atmosphere as they get used to it because what they learned from their parents works on that situation ,I advise you to have patience & more positive attitude also prepare yourself for 19 to 21 nights of Ramadan & participate in Majlis of Reciting the Dua Jushan Kabeer ,I hope it  works for you as a miracle because at these Nights your fate can be change to what is good for you. 

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  • Advanced Member

The Tawrat of Moses says "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."  - Genesis 1:27

In the Injeel, Jesus said, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

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On 5/17/2018 at 2:18 PM, needAllah said:

Salam Aleikum brothers and sisters,

(I apologize if this is a long read, but I am desperate for help and advice because I really do not have anyone to talk to. The main reason I came here is just so I can explain everything without hopefully being judged but also get some advice.) 

I am going through extreme despair/hopelessness in my life mainly due to my family life, but also due to a lot of regrets and decisions I have taken in the past. I really want change in my life, I am 25 years old now and I feel lost and on the verge of giving up on life completely!

a brief background..

I came to Canada at a very young age with my family (parents, 4 brothers and one younger sister). My family is not very, religious only my mom and I pray, fast etc. My parents and family back in my home country are very attached to their culture and are very proud of their own race. The biggest problem for me is that my parents(family ) are not educated, only my father finished highschool and was planning to do nursing when his father (my grandpa) died. So he had to work and support his large family to this day.

I love my parents and all the hardships they went through to bring us to a safe country to get education, and better our lives. However, I feel that they do not know how to adjust to life here although it has been 17 years we have lived in Canada.  They are extremely strict towards me especially because I am a female, I thought they would change when I grow older, but even until now I am 25 years old, I can't even go out with my friends without stuttering and telling my father where I am going and with whom. I was 23, and I told my father I am going to the mall with my friend and he dropped me in the subway station, before I reached the mall my father took my mom and came to the same mall which is 30 minutes drive. In the mall he called me and said which store am I in, I asked my mom why did you guys came but I know she made an excuse and said your father wanted to shop too. But I did not believe her obviously because he wanted to know with whom I am with and if I actually told the truth. He told me to meet him in front of the store, I went there and took my friend also just for them to see that I am with a girl, and I did come to where I said I would go.

Everyday when I go to school, I must come home immediately after my classes.  when I was working in retail store he knew when and what time I finish. I have had countless, teary arguments with my mother asking her why I am controlled so much, I need to breath I can't even do basic things being a 25 year old woman. She says, we have seen alot of youth/ girls go in the wrong way, do wrong things we just do not want our kids to go astray in this country too. 

I always felt deeply sad when my friends say that they have a very open, friendly relationship with their parents and siblings. I long for that but I can never ever have that kind of a relationship because my parents are not educated, they do not know how to speak to us to get their message across (although I know their intention is good) but they are extremely strict and controlling especially to me (oldest daughter). My father used to hit my mother, my aunts used to hit me and my siblings because we lived in the same house in my home country. My mother was always afraid of my father. To make matters even worse, my oldest brother and I never talk, he will hit me if I disagree with him, and I do not feel at all attached or feel that I can communicate with him because he looked up to my dad. The message my father tells my brothers is that when they marry, their wives must stay at home, and the moment they fight or disrespect your family, parents etc  slap them once and do not let them control you. .....( This always hurts me because it is messages like this that have made my relationship with my brothers distant and cold, because they also are not open minded or friendly).

I just wished they would understand that  being highly controlling and strict does not mean pious kids who won't lie or do anything wrong behind them. I am going to be honest and confess that I have  lied, and  have  been in many haram relationships because that is where I felt free, felt comfort expressing my feelings and getting back my so called view of "affection and love" from other guys/men. I just felt joy when I knew I was out of the house, and felt free even though I lied very well about my whereabouts especially when my father went overseas. I felt happy when I was sad or cried and someone took my hand and said I am here for you. I am not blaming my sins only to my parents, yes it is my fault and my own choices but please understand that I just wanted love,some freedom, someone to feel close to and talk to. My mother never talked about marriage with me because she is shy or awkward about it. Therefore I never opened up either. The only thing my parents ever spoke about was just get your education. Not religion, not marriage, not asking how I feel and what to expect in the future, how my day is, or why I look sad if they noticed. 

Beginning of university until now I have changed majors, I have severe depression, feel extremely lonely. Been in many haram relationships that led to heartbreaks, rejection. I feel like I am scarred for the rest of my life. I DO NOT want to marry anyone from my country, I have no interest, I am not attracted to them even if they are "good" guys. I feel like they are allll like my father and brothers. I want to marry outside of my culture. I feel that even if I force myself to marry someone from my culture I cannot. The problem now is my family is completely opposite of me. It is a big shame if I marry anyone not from my culture, country, city etc......My father would kill me if I tell him I want to marry a good man, who is pious, loves Allah, the prophet and his family, but who is from a different culture and speaks a different language. 

Some of the relationships I was in, I had to break off because they asked to speak to my parents and get married. But I was so scared of my brothers and father that I could no longer carry on the relationship and break it off. There was one guy who was very kind, generous and pious that I met while volunteering at a mosque. He immediately wanted to meet my parents and I meet his family, and keep everything from day one halal and with the intention of marriage, that I left him as well because I knew it is impossible for my father to accept that marriage. Why did I start a relationship with him in the first place knowing that? Because I thought I can learn something from him, get close to god, and most importantly get some comfort and someone to talk to. Now he married a girl from my mosque, who is from my country but her family is so open minded and accepting that they approved him even though he is from a different cultural background and speaks a different language. In another mosque ladies asked my mother if I would get a chance to get to know their sons' for marriage but my mom obviously did not accept. 

What should I do now that I am 25? I have no one in my life. I am tired of temporary relationships, tired of being depressed. I cannot get even simple tasks done, I do not want to leave my bed in the morning, I always want to be alone. I am back in school with 40k debt, I am jobless because I quit my job at a bank because I was so depressed, lacked confidence to have conversations and relationships with coworkers. I was not like this before but as time went by until now, I am scared to get a new job because I feel like I cannot do the job, cannot have friends. I am always upset and feel COMPLETELY EMPTY. 

I started wearing the hijab last Ramadan to push myself to become a better person, and hopefully Allah swt can forgive me for my severe sins. But I am back in the spiral, no change has come except more depression. I know it is haram to feel hopeless but I just want one thing from God, change in my life. I want to meet the person I will get married to, make my parents accept him for his piety and goodness not be racist towards him and reject him just because he does not come from the same cultural background. My parents SPECIFICALLY want me to marry someone from their city, their ethnic background and preferably from a family they know. That would be a complete nightmare for me...

I have always prayed, listened to lectures, attended mosque, learned about religion but my depression and hopelessness due to my family (parents') expectations I have felt completely numb. I feel that I am just dreaming about miracles, that my parents would change, ill get a job ill atleast be happy to work in and not be rejected and somehow I may marry the right person who I would love and would be from my own choice....but I know it is false hopes. I am getting older but getting nowhere in my life, drowning in debt, jobless, lonely and depressed. I tried talking to my mom several times, but it only led to me locking myself in my room and just crying because my mom has no power but also has a strict, old, cultural mentality herself. She cannot help me. My brothers cannot help me. My father and I cannot talk about these things openly because he is not like that, he was not brought up that way. My younger sister I am afraid is going in the same path I went, she is hiding alot of things and I try to teach her and help her, but if the entire family environment is messed up, she is in the same situation as me. 

Please help me, tell me what should I do? It is Ramadan and I am fasting, I promise my intention is pure for my future. I just want to live a normal life, get married with someone I will love, start a family, I want to work at a job I will feel accomplished, I want to help the less fortunate and make even a small difference in someones' life, but I feel like a complete FAILURE. I do not have the job, or money to help the poor. I am drowning in debt too.  I am tired of not having someone to genuinely talk to and be with. I AM ALWAYS THINKING OF GIVING UP AND JUST LEAVING THIS WORLD. But I know it will be a grave sin, and I know that Allah swt is compassionate and merciful, and that would be selfish and ungrateful of me to do. But I just do not know for how long will I keep living like this, will I end up lonely? (I can never force myself to marry the man they choose for me, it is impossible and it seems like their mentality won't change either). Should I believe in miracles?

I am desperate for your advice and responses brothers and sisters.

Imam Sadiq(a.s) said , 'A mumin/a is always between fear and hope'. In Arabic 'khuwf' (fear) and 'rajaa' (hope). 

This phrase means that to be a mumin/a requires a perpetual state of balance between two poles. Let me breifly describe the two poles

Fear

The origin of the fear is that I am a sinful being that has already committed many sins(I am using the first person because I am including myself in this). I have done more than enough sins in my life to be worthy of being thrown into hellfire. I know that there is consequences for my wrong actions and that Allah(s.w.a) is constantly watching me. I deserve to be punished. All the problems I have in my life are a result of my own sins and disobedience. It is noone else's fault. 

Hope

The hope is that Allah(s.w.a) is Al Rahman, Al Rahim (most Gracious, most Merciful) and also Al Wudud(the loving) and Al Rauf(the compassionate), and Al Ghafar (the one who is constantly forgiving sins). So because Allah(s.w.a) is so merciful, we have the ability to hope that we will be forgiven and not be punished. We will be spared the hellfire and will gain Paradise, not because of our own actions, but because Allah(s.w.a) has the previously mentioned qualities. 

So we should have these two poles constantly in our mind. We should be afraid that if you do a sin, then we will be punished, but also that there is hope for us even if we do a sin. 

If we go too far toward the fear side, then we will become overwhelmed with despair(yas) which will eventually lead to us losing our Iman(faith). If we go too far to the hope side, and don't believe that there is a possibility of being punished for our sins, we will commit sins without asking for forgiveness, and we will then lose our faith. 

If you want to meet that special 'someone' , then you should 

First, abandon these haram relationships out of fear of Allah(s.w.a), ask for forgiveness and commit to never doing this again. 

Second, commit to using every means at your disposal to find a halal relationship, and don't miss out on any opportunity to meet in a halal way. 

Third, don't worry about your parents. They will do what they will do, you have no control over that. Always remember the ayat from Holy Quran, 'Whoever trusts in Allah, Allah will make for them an outlet(a way to get out of the troubles they are in)'. This is a promise. Salam. 

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4 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Always remember the ayat from Holy Quran, 'Whoever trusts in Allah, Allah will make for them an outlet(a way to get out of the troubles they are in)'. This is a promise. Salam. 

Thanks for sharing @Abu Hadi. Could you share the reference to this ayat? It sounds very familiar, reminding me a lot of this verse from the Injeel:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

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