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Struggling with Silah e Rehmi

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On 5/11/2018 at 8:35 PM, starlight said:

Salam everyone, 

I need practical advice on how to practice Silah e rehmi with relations who do not seem interested in reciprocating for example, they never invite you to their home and aren't welcoming when you try to visit them for the sake of having good relations. Also with relations who repeatedly keep on saying and doing hurtful things despite my best efforts to show love and kindness towards them?

After years of aforementioned behaviour I have reached the point where I feel like giving up and not trying anymore. Its not that I don't want to try,it's just that I truly don't have the patience to bear more hurtful and rude behaviour. 

Thank you.

Sister, I am in same boat. I have relatives you speak bad about my family, and first i was ignoring them and being a nice guy. Now, it worse. Since i never said anything to them they were taking advantage of it. So i have distanced myself from them. I don't talk to them anymore. Islamically speaking I am not sure, if i am doing right or wrong. However, When we look at Bibi Fatima (a.s) he stopped talking to Abu Bakar. 

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2 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

When we look at Bibi Fatima (a.s) he stopped talking to Abu Bakar. 

Abu bakr was not Bibi Fatimah's blood relative.

Keep the relations open to Salam dua at least.

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On 5/11/2018 at 11:17 PM, Anonymous2144 said:

You can do Silah e raham via phone or home phone but what ever you do,do not cut ties becuase that’s a great sin or visit them on special occasion such as eid,Ramadan,etc 

I went back to a person, and a person was expecting me to beg him, and cry for forgiveness. What would you do in that situation? 

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4 minutes ago, starlight said:

Abu bakr was not Bibi Fatimah's blood relative.

Keep the relations open to Salam dua at least.

I am all in for Silah Rehmi but when someone say bad things about your parent in front of you and in front of others. How would you treat that person? 

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2 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I went back to a person, and a person was expecting me to beg him, and cry for forgiveness. What would you do in that situation? 

Just say salam and generally ask him how and his family are doing. Ignore the rest, no need to do anything about it.

Quote

when someone say bad things about your parent in front of you and in front of others. How would you treat that person?

Minimise contact just to salam.

Edited by starlight

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

Just say salam and generally ask him how and his family are doing. Ignore the rest, no need to do anything about it.

They don't reply back to me anymore. They pretend like my family, and I don't even exist. 

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2 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

They don't reply back to me anymore. They pretend like my family, and I don't even exist. 

You have done your duty,keep doing salam. The sin is on them if they don't even reply to your salam.

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14 minutes ago, starlight said:

Abu bakr was not Bibi Fatimah's blood relative.

Its not just blood relative. 

 

The Meaning of Silet ar-Rahm and Qat’a ar-Rahm

The Shari’a of Islam has not provided any fixed definition for these two terms. In this case the meaning as judged by common sense and reason must be accepted. We must consider all the relatives from the father’s side and mother’s side, irrespective of whether they are close or distant, to be our kith and kin who have a right on us. In the same way the children of the daughters and their descendant also come in this category as the Qur’an says:

‘Those who join together (do Silet ar-Rahm) those things which Allah has commanded to be joined.” (Surah ar-Rā’d 13:21)

Urwah Ibn-Yazīd asked Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) the meaning of this Ayat (Surah ar-Rā’d 13:21), the Imam (a.s.) replied;

“You have been commanded to do Silet ar-Rahm towards all your relatives. Whether they are Mahram (in the prohibited category of marriage) or Non-mahram, (not in the prohibited category) whether they are distant relatives or closely related, whether they are immediate relatives or separated by several generations.”18
 

[Shakir 4:1] O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you.
[Pooya/Ali Commentary 4:1]

By ya ayyuhun nas (O mankind), the entire mankind, irrespective of sex, rank, age, colour, race and nationality, has been addressed. They are the children of a common ancestor, Adam, created by Allah as the first basic self (nafs). Nafs means "the self" as well as "the whole of a thing with its essence". The first woman, Hawwa or Eve (see Genesis 2: 18, 21 to 26) was created from that single soul. All mankind descended from one original stock. The basic unity of mankind has been positively asserted in this verse. Therefore, all the peoples of the world are one family, a united brotherhood. They should safeguard themselves with full awareness of divine laws before their Rabb (Lord) whose love for His creatures manifests in the laws He has made for their own good. They must be ever vigilant in their duties towards Him and obey His laws. Then alone they will be able to live in peace and harmony in this world as a single community of Muslims (those who submit themselves to the will of their Lord).

Arham (plural of rihm) implies kinship. Kinship in Islam is regarded as one of the most important social institutions. One of the reasons for making the love of the Ahl ul Bayt (a self-generative good which encompasses all human activities) obligatory, as a recompense of prophethood, is to make man reflect the characteristics of his cherished ideals in practical life (Shura: 23).

Much has been said and practised by the Holy Prophet and his Ahl ul Bayt to lay emphasis on the love of near relatives, brotherhood of mankind and peace and harmony in human society.

 

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On 5/13/2018 at 12:43 AM, rkazmi33 said:

For me, it has also been 4 years since I stopped hanging out with any 'friends'. Now people constantly tell me that all my problems are because of Qata rehmi, and my life will be shortened because if this. I have seen some people, who get punished for their kindness but they still keep giving. I don't know how they do it. I have a lot of free time, so I want to make friends, but I am so scared because of my past experiences. 

There are only 2 options or sides for everything..In regards to this, EIther you kill your emotions , dignity and bow down to them and happily accept their whatsoever behaviour OR Get people to respect you by sticking to your principles..

I've been a victim of this and being elder in the family made me think 1000s of time about family re-union and compromises for the Sake of Ahlulbayt and my own blood line but I started to think HOW come those family members have got no feelings of that love, how can they just ignore and bash my kind gesture that i show them...This means WE are not on the same page of love and respect....Infact there is no sense of loving back or respecting back thing in them , Hence i stepped away , and broke the relationship and told them the reason of breaking up, and asked them to contact me IF they can feel that very sense of love towards me being a blood line relative...

IF i keep respecting and over caring then things would be fine, If i go down from level 10 to 9 on the scale of compassion and not agreeing to them they start talking Ill things. SO when the love is just one sided and lacking the very human respect and love then its better to let it Go.

 

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On 5/13/2018 at 12:10 AM, rkazmi33 said:

There is a Hadith by Imam Ali (A.S.) : Jis Kay saath naiki Karo, us Kay shar say bacho'. In English, it translates to 'no good deed goes unpunished'. I have noticed that whenever I am nice to someone, that person backstabs me or harms me in some other way. Now I can ignore if someone doesn't reciprocate my kindness, but it hurts when someone responds to kindness in a harsh way. This is why I have stopped making any friends, giving gifts to my relatives. I try to do charity by giving to people I will never meet in real life. There is another Hadith which means 'the person you love most will hurt you the most'. I don't know if this is the way universe works or this happens intentionally. If someone is kind to me, I will want to return the kindness. I would never want to hurt that person, but sometimes I end up hurting people who are kind to me unintentionally.

I have noticed this a lot and now whenever I give a gift to any relative, I prepare myself for getting verbal attacks from them. And I intentionally taunt some people constantly because as long as I am mean to them, they remain quiet. When I ignore them, they start attacking me. 

I was in the same boat but I have rescued my self successfully...Yes, I do miss my people who i distant myself and pray for them...but no verbal or eye contact in gathering be whatsoever,  You cant force people to be kind to you, You got to be kind to yourself first...I know .... It is hard......But IF one has to be honest and kind to his ownself first.

Stop giving them anything (if you can) ..Be open about your feelings.. make them realize  those occassions that you just ignored their sick behaviour for the sake of having peace in between and get out of it (if you can). It could be that they just DONT feel anything for you and you are investing your everything which is of no use at all....PErhaps, a MAterialistic Relationship...

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13 hours ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I went back to a person, and a person was expecting me to beg him, and cry for forgiveness. What would you do in that situation? 

If i wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t do anything wrong but if he/she is especting me to beg and cry for forgiveness constantly then I’ll do silah al raham via phone or messages or ill ask someone  to send my Salam to them that would be counted as Silah al raham but if i was did do something wrong I’ll simply apologise,they can take it or leave it. 

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salam, how to practice silah e rehmi when you have too many relatives like aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives. And who also do not live the same country as you.  Do we have to practice silah e rehmi with each and everyone of the above mentioned relatives if it is impossible to do because there are too many of them. Can you just practice silah e rehmi with close relatives like brothers and sisters, wouldn't that be enough islamically?

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10 hours ago, learn said:

salam, how to practice silah e rehmi when you have too many relatives like aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives. And who also do not live the same country as you.  Do we have to practice silah e rehmi with each and everyone of the above mentioned relatives if it is impossible to do because there are too many of them. Can you just practice silah e rehmi with close relatives like brothers and sisters, wouldn't that be enough islamically?

You have to do Silah al raham to ur mum,dad,siblings,your brother or sister in law,uncles(from ur mum and dad side),aunties(ur mum and ur dad side) and cousins. If they are overseas you can do Silah al raham via phone or you can ask one of your family member to send your Salam to them. 

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salam, should we practice silah e rehmi with males cousins if you are a female or with female cousins if you are a male? like telling someone to say salam to them etc I am sorry for my ignorance please forgive me

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I remember reading this and praying one person would cite what the Prophet (saw) has said:

 

Hadith 60:

Imam Jaffer (as-Sadiq) once said: once a man came to the Holy Prophet ﷺ and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, my family has refused to do anything for me but to cut off and abuse me, and I also want to reject them.’ He (the Messenger of Allah) said, ‘If you do so, Allah will reject all of you.’ He then asked, ‘What should I do?’ He (the Messenger of Allah) said, ‘Maintain good relations with whoever cuts you off, give to those who deprive you, and forgive those who do injustice to you. If you do this, you will have support for this from Allah.'” 

محمد بن يحيى ، عن أحمد بن محمد بن عيسى ، عن علي بن النعمان ، عن إسحاق بن عمار قال قال بلغني ، عن أبي عبد الله عليه‌السلام أن رجلا أتى النبي صلى‌الله‌عليه‌وآلهفقال يا رسول الله أهل بيتي أبوا إلا توثبا علي وقطيعة لي وشتيمة فأرفضهم قال إذا يرفضكم الله جميعا قال فكيف أصنع قال تصل من قطعك وتعطي من حرمك وتعفو عمن ظلمك فإنك إذا فعلت ذلك كان لك من الله عليهم ظهير.

Grading: Muwathaq

Hadith 61:

“Abu Dhar (may Allah be pleased with him) has said, ‘I heard the Messenger of Allah ﷺ saying, “On the Day of Judgment the bridge will stand on two pillars: the kindred relations and safe keeping of trust. Those who maintain good relations with relatives and return the trust will pass the bridge safely to paradise but when the abuser of trust and neglector of good relations with relatives will try to pass the bridge no other deeds will benefit him and he will be thrown off the bridge into the fire.'” 

محمد بن يحيى ، عن أحمد بن محمد بن عيسى ، عن محمد بن إسماعيل بن بزيع ، عن حنان بن سدير ، عن أبيه ، عن أبي جعفر عليه‌السلام قال قال أبو ذر رضي‌الله‌عنهسمعت رسول الله صلى‌الله‌عليه‌وآله يقول حافتا الصراط ـ يوم القيامة الرحم والأمانة فإذا مر الوصول للرحم المؤدي للأمانة نفذ إلى الجنة وإذا مر الخائن للأمانة القطوع للرحم لم ينفعه معهما عمل وتكفأ به الصراط في النار.

Grading: Hasan-Muwathaq

Hadith 62:

“The Messenger of Allah ﷺ has said: ‘One who likes to delay the coming of his death and increase his means of living should maintain good relations with relatives.” 

أبو علي الأشعري ، عن محمد بن عبد الجبار ، عن ابن فضال عمن رواه ، عن أبي عبد الله عليه‌السلام قال قال رسول الله صلى‌الله‌عليه‌وآله من لم يحسب كلامه من عمله كثرت خطاياه وحضر عذابه.

Grading: كالسابق

Similar reliable tradition with respect to the effect of keeping good relations : عنه ، عن أحمد بن محمد بن أبي نصر ، عن أبي الحسن الرضا عليه‌السلام قال قال أبو عبد الله عليه‌السلام صل رحمك ولو بشربة من ماء وأفضل ما توصل به الرحم كف الأذى عنها وصلة الرحم منسأة في الأجل محببة في الأهل.

 

Hadith 63:

“The Messenger of Allah ﷺ has said:  ‘A people who are evil doers and not of the virtuous ones but maintain good relations with relatives, their wealth increases, and they live longer. Can one imagine their benefits had they been virtuous and of good deeds?”‘ 

دة من أصحابنا ، عن أحمد بن أبي عبد الله ، عن عثمان بن عيسى ، عن سليمان بن هلال قال قلت لأبي عبد الله عليه‌السلام إن آل فلان يبر بعضهم بعضا ويتواصلون فقال إذا تنمي أموالهم وينمون فلا يزالون في ذلك حتى يتقاطعوا فإذا فعلوا ذلك انقشع عنهم.

Grading: Mursal Like Muwathaq

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Salaam.

Silah-Rehmi has been left vague on purpose I believe. Salah for example has to be pray as prescribed - 2, 4, 4, 3, 4 and in a specific way.

When I comes to Silah-Rehmi,  there is no clear prescription other than maintain relations with your relatives. I have relatives that I meet daily, others monthly, others yearly, still others bi-annually, etc. I wouldn't say I have cut off relations with the ones I don't see for a long time so I am maintaining a certain kind of relationship...which is also Silah-Rehmi. 

Now if I refuse to ever meet them or if I know they need some kind of assistance and I don't offer my help, then it could be kat-e-rehmi. A relative passes away and you don't attend their funeral...that would be kat-e-rehmi. 

In the situations described on this thread, just my opinion that it falls within Silah-Rehmi even the brother and sister who are not talking to each other. As long as you come through for her in her time of need you will be okay - siblings fight but then get over things.

Secondly, a true test of character is for one to be true to oneself regardless of the actions of others. Best example is a famous letter (may be sermon) of Imam Ali (as) to Muawiya where Imam Ali (as) tells him that He (as) chooses not to be cunning like Muawiya. Also remember the woman who used to throw trash on the Prophet (saw). He (saw) stayed true to himself.

Easier said than done of course but be who you are regardless of how the other person is acting or treating you.

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