Parents won’t leave me alone

[Islandsandmirrors]

As some of you may know, I’m newly married (and I no longer live with my parents.) and it’s been a great, smooth transition in terms of hubby and I. 

However, my parents are constantly in my way now that I am married. My mother calls me a few times a day and usually will tell me to come over to the house or asks me if/when I’m going to have dinner at their place with my husband.

We try to limit dinners at their house to 2-3 times a week (It used to be every night.) but now, my mother gets angry with me and says that we should spend nights in the guest room and gives the excuse that my husband prefers spending our nights there on his late shift. (He doesn’t. The drive back to our apartment is five minutes. And he wants to stay mostly to be polite.) we used to spend a few nights at my parent’s place before I got annoyed.

Now that I come over to the house less often, she calls me and offers for either my dad or she to pick up my hubby from work instead of me. I’m losing my mind. It feels like my parents don’t want me to become independent and refuse to let me go. They say they are out of our lives and don’t meddle, but they are smothering me. 

I understand it must be a hard transition for the both of them, but I don’t think they realize that we need to be by ourselves without the influence of family. 

Furthermore, my mother is trying to do whatever she can to get me back into the house. She is leaving for a while and says my hubby and I should spend all our nights at the house so my sister won’t feel alone when my dad has late shifts. (She’s 18.) She also expressed that we should move in with them for a year to “save up money” until they buy us our own place. (But pay them rent.) 

I’m about to rip my hair out. I’ve been setting boundaries with the both of them, but they, particularly my mother, comes-up with various ways to get me back in the house so she’s comfortable.

Any advice? 

EDIT: she also said that it isn’t right to move in quickly after being married, and that I should spend three nights at my parent’s place by myself and four nights at my huband’s so that it doesn’t appear desperate or whatever her reasoning is.

Edited May 2, 2018 by Islandsandmirrors

[Wholehearted Shi'a]

Salam,

Sounds like she is doing everything she can to maintain the same relationship you had before you were married. She’s probably concerned that things are going to change and to her it may seem fast and apart of it will be naturally seeing you less and less. Do you believe your mother will be willing to open up and talk with you about this? Because I think you should have a sit down and talk through the concerns and worries she maybe having. Have a family meeting, bring your husband along and put all concerns on the table and go from there. Also remind your parents that nothing will change the fact that you are their daughter and will forever be. 

[Reza]

Reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, if anyone remembers that show.

[AbdusSibtayn]

assalamu alaykum sister,

  

So it's your mom again.......ha ha ha ha ha!!!

On a more serious note, see this- you need to face it. Dig up excuses. Tell your mom that you two need some alone time. Get your husband to say this.Bring up the topic of your sister- tell your mom that having a newly married couple around can make her uncomfortable, or that you don't want your presence to interfere with her studies, etc etc.

Decline some of the dinner invitations. Just to rub it in, plan some dinner-dates with your husband on those very days,and let your mom know that. Soon, she'll see that she IS getting a bit too protective than is good for her daughter's married life.
 

Try these, and see if they help you.

Sorry for the guffaws, but for some reason I can't stop giggling after I've read your post, and now I am out of breath, sounds very mean, but sorry again!

   !!!!

[notme]

It seems to me she's afraid that you won't need her anymore. Continue being patient with her, but stick firmly to your boundaries. She will need to adjust. Let her know that you will always love her and she will always be part of your life. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

It's just another attempt to control  you, sis. I am probably going to get a lot of flack for saying this but knowing what happened in your previous threads about your parents, I would ignore her and let her figure this out on her own. Plan some dinner dates with your husband and ignore the background noise.

Edited May 2, 2018 by Gaius I. Caesar

[Almuslimah]

8 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

she also said that it isn’t right to move in quickly after being married, and that I should spend three nights at my parent’s place by myself and four nights at my huband’s so that it doesn’t appear desperate or whatever her reasoning is.

 That doesnt seem right to me. I dont think there is anything supporting this claim in islam. 

I think your mother is just afraid of losing you, her little daughter. She accepts your marriage but doesnt accept the fact that you are now adult or something like that. Does your father know what your mother is planning? I mean about trying to get you and your husband moving in with them.

 Also I was thinking your marriage might be hard for your mother to adapt to if you are first child who got married. In islam we should respect our parents but marriage is half of deen. You are their daughter but you are now your husbands wife. I think that is your priority now. 

Your parents/mother should let you peacefully start to live life as married woman. You could try speak with your mother that marriage is half of ones deen and you need to make your husband priority. Tell your parents you love them and you will always be their daughter but you are now also wife. Tell them that married woman is called rabbatul bait, queen of home. Meaning that you are responsible of your own household now. 

Is it possible for you and your husband to spend more time with your husbands family? Then when your parents ask you to come again you could say that you are meeting with husbands family. That could help them understand that you are now also part of your husbands family. 

I understand that newlyweds want to spend as much as possible time together. Of course you want, its natural. Is it possible for you and your husband to go for a little holiday somewhere out of your city? That would also give you some time together and maybe help your mother understand that you are now married woman and have your own married life. 

Maybe with time your mother will adapt to new situation and wont "bother" (sorry for using this word, i couldnt come up with another one but you inshallah get my point ) you. 

Also I suggest you and your husband both together speak with your mother. InshAllah things will get better soon Have sabr. 

[forte]

This is a common issue.  Redirect your mothers comments about why you need to be with her, to when you are planning on coming.  So you could thank her for her concern around whatever it is that she comes up with as a problem that would be solved if you lived there. And then, to shorten the calls with her over unending pressure, validate what she says (in other words, that you hear her so she won't repeat endlessly) and say I have to go, but we can talk further when I see you on Wednesday evening (for example).  Always end with the note where and when you will see her next.  It changes the focus of the convo to what you are going to be doing not what you are not doing.  She is left with the concrete anticipation of when she will see you next which is very powerful and calming.  It takes a little perseverance on your part, at first, but allows you to fully, but gently, take control of the situation.

[rkazmi33]

Dear Sister! It's heart breaking to read your post. You have painted a very clear picture of how after every marriage, the whole family works as a team to create problems between the newlyweds. I remember reading from your posts, your mother was not even happy with your choice, now all of a sudden your family has developed so much love for your husband. You are the reason for the relation between your husband and your family. It's annoying when your husband and your family become so kind and nice to each other while leaving you out and then tell you they are only doing this for you. Your husband shouldn't stay at your parents' house even to be polite. And I am going to get attacked for saying this but keep your husband away from your 18 year old sister. Before I got married, I thought relationship with your brother-in-law or sister-in-law is not a possibility. Only the most sick, twisted and most evil people do things like this. Then, I had to make peace with this ugly reality that it's common. @Islandsandmirrors I am sorry if my post made you upset. All the excuses people have given, you can tell these excuses to other people. Many women probably choose to tell these excuses to themselves, but it's very very hard to lie to yourself. You cannot do it for very long.

And the worst part is that staying with your husband makes you look "desperate". Seriously? You got married to your husband, you are not dating him that you have to play "hard to get" or worry about looking desperate. The same advice was given to me by my family. By getting upset over my ex-husband's affairs, I was looking "desperate". I should have been "cool" with his affairs to show him that he is not very important to me. 

[Be Human First]

15 hours ago, Reza said:

Reminds me of an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, if anyone remembers that show.

I do.

[Be Human First]

6 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

Dear Sister! It's heart breaking to read your post. You have painted a very clear picture of how after every marriage, the whole family works as a team to create problems between the newlyweds. I remember reading from your posts, your mother was not even happy with your choice, now all of a sudden your family has developed so much love for your husband. You are the reason for the relation between your husband and your family. It's annoying when your husband and your family become so kind and nice to each other while leaving you out and then tell you they are only doing this for you. Your husband shouldn't stay at your parents' house even to be polite. And I am going to get attacked for saying this but keep your husband away from your 18 year old sister. Before I got married, I thought relationship with your brother-in-law or sister-in-law is not a possibility. Only the most sick, twisted and most evil people do things like this. Then, I had to make peace with this ugly reality that it's common. @Islandsandmirrors I am sorry if my post made you upset. All the excuses people have given, you can tell these excuses to other people. Many women probably choose to tell these excuses to themselves, but it's very very hard to lie to yourself. You cannot do it for very long.

And the worst part is that staying with your husband makes you look "desperate". Seriously? You got married to your husband, you are not dating him that you have to play "hard to get" or worry about looking desperate. The same advice was given to me by my family. By getting upset over my ex-husband's affairs, I was looking "desperate". I should have been "cool" with his affairs to show him that he is not very important to me. 

Many of your advices are right an to the Point.  The best way out - Be honest to your parents about your feelings, Truth and facts are often hurtful and bitter but once told let many unforseen problems die...