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In the Name of God بسم الله
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ChattingwithShias

Islamic Jokes and Humor

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In the name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful
 
 
The Christian Preacher in Southern Iraq
 
Note: It is common Shi’a custom, to shout “Salawat ala Mohammad!” (Blessings upon Mohammad) whenever something extraordinary is said or occurs.
 
 
In the 19th century when many Western missionaries were exploring the region and preaching Christianity, a certain preacher visited a remote, backwards village in the Marshes in the South of Iraq.
 
The preacher delivered a long sermon outlining the basics of Christianity to a crowd of the villagers. Then he told a marvelous tale about a miracle performed by Jesus Christ.
 
The villagers were impressed and yelled, “Salawat ala Mohammad!”
 
*
A Sunni and a Shi’a
 
This joke pokes fun at the annual disagreements between Sunni and Shi’a clerics on when the crescent moon is sighted to mark the first day of Ramadan. The two sects also disagree on the specific dates of some holidays, such as the birthday of the Prophet Mohammad (s).
 
 
A Shi’a looks out his window and sees a Sunni running on the street panicking and screaming.
 
The Shi’a asks, “Brother, what is the matter?”
 
The Sunni said, “It is the Day of Judgment! God is destroying the universe and judging mankind!”
 
The Shi’a said, “For us that is tomorrow.”
*
 
 
Popular Ramadan Joke Circulated on WhatsApp
 
During the holy month of Ramadan, Muslims are supposed to fast from eating, drinking and sexual intercourse while the sun is out, and engage in prayer and reading the Qur’an.
 
 
They asked a foolish man who was fasting, “Which chapters of the Qur’an do you like best in Ramadan?”
 
He said, “Al-Maa’idah (‘The Table Spread’), Ad-Dukhaan (‘The Smoke’), and An-Nisaa (‘The Women’).”
 
*
 
A Joke from the Lebanese Civil War
 
In Lebanon the Christians are mainly settled in the North, and Shi’a Muslims mainly live in the South. Some Christians, however, live in the South, and they often adopt the sayings and customs of their Shi’a neighbors. 
 
 
During the Lebanese Civil War, there was a Christian man named George who lived in the South and he wanted to travel to the North of Lebanon to visit friends. In order to do this, he had to pass a major checkpoint on the highway which was manned by Christian Militiamen. George approached the checkpoint. 
 
The Christian militiaman said, “ID please.” 
 
George gave him his ID. 
 
The militiaman said, “Your ID says you are from the South.”
 
George said, “Yes.” 
 
The militiaman said, “But it says on your ID that you are Christian.” 
 
George said, “That’s correct.” 
 
The militiaman said, “This ID is fake, you must be a Muslim spy!” 
 
George said, “I am a Christian from the South visiting a friend.” 
 
The militiaman said, “Liar! Get out of the car!” 
 
George said, “I swear by Imam Ali, I am a Christian!”
 
*
 
Khoja Jokes
 
Khojas are a caste of Indian Muslims, with a large diaspora in East Africa and now in the West. Most of them are Twelver Shi’a, but some are Ismaili Shi’a or Sunni. 

They are known for being entrepreneurial and wealthy.
 
 
Jaffer was driving down the street sweating because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. 
 
Looking up to heaven he said, “O Allah! Take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to majlis every Thursday, and Friday prayer for the rest of my life, and give up all Bollywood music!” 
 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Jaffer looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!” 
 
*
 
A Maulana walks into a video store in and says to the first Khoja he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do, Maulana.” Maulana says, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then he asked a second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man replied, “Certainly, Mulla Saheb.” The Maulana said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the Maulana walked up to Jaffer and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” Jaffer said, “No I don’t, Maulana.” Maulana said, “I don’t believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?” Jaffer said, “Oh when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.” 
 
*
 
A Sufi, a Shi’a and a Salafi on a Deserted Island
 
 
A Sufi, a Shi’a and a Salafi were stuck on a deserted island. They found a lamp and rubbed it and then a jinni came out. The jinni said, “I will grant each one of you one wish!”
 
The Sufi said, “I wish to go back in time and be a disciple of Maulana so he can teach me how to annihilate myself and become at one with the Divine Presence.” The jinni snapped his hand and then the Sufi was transported to the time of Maulana.
 
The Shi’a said, “I want to go to Karbala so I can visit my beloved Imam Husayn!” The jinni snapped his hand and then the Shi’a was transported to Karbala.
 
The jinni said to the Salafi, “What is your wish?” The Salafi said, “The Sufi and the Shi’a are gone. My wish already came true!”
 
*
 
An Iraq War Joke from 2004
 
After the U.S. invasion of Iraq in 2003, several rebel groups formed up by 2004. The Shi’as formed a militia called the Mahdi Army and there was a large insurgency of Sunnis in Fallujah. These groups fought American soldiers as well as each other in fierce sectarian battles.
 
 
An American soldier was observing the Mahdi Army beating up people on the street. He watched as they cornered a man, and the man said, “By the name of Ali, let me go!” On hearing this, the Mahdi Army let him go. The American solider thought this was a common Iraqi phrase and memorized it as it may come in handy.
 
The next day the soldier was transferred to Fallujah. After only 30 minutes he was caught by the Sunni Mujahideen (insurgency). Remembering the phrase, he said, “By the name of Ali, let me go!” The Mujahideen looked at each other and said, “Not only is he an American infidel, but he’s also a Shi’a!” and then shot him to death.
 
*

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:salam:

If you want to read some real jokes, you will need to read the 650-odd page work Zahr al-Rabi' of Sayyid Ni'matullah Jaza'iri. Unfortunately, it got infamous over time due to the last section of the book in which there is a lot of sexually explicit material (to the extent that some scholars hold the opinion it is prohibited to read this book), but otherwise, the material in it is really funny. 

Page 8: Raghib writes in his al-Muhadharaat: There was a village in Qazwin whose people were known to be Shi'as. A man passed by the village and they asked him what his name was, so he said, 'Umar'. They hit him really hard until he began saying, 'My name is not 'Umar, rather it is 'Imran.' Hearing that, they said, 'This is worse than 'Umar because its first 3 letters are from 'Umar and the last 2 are letters from the name of 'Uthman.' - عمر + عثمان = عمران

Page 8: It has been reported that a Muhaddith (scholar of hadith) and a Christian were together on a ship. So the Christian poured alcohol for himself and drank it. The Muhaddith took it and without thinking about it began drinking it. So the Christian said, 'It is alcohol.' The Muhaddith said, 'How do you know that?' The Christian said, 'My slave bought it from a Jew who was selling it.' When the Muhaddith heard that he began drinking even more, and said to the Christian, 'I haven't seen anyone more foolish than you. I am a scholar of Hadith and our job is to discuss people like Sufyan and Yazid and Harun, yet you want me to confirm a report coming from a Christian who is narrating from his slave who is narrating from a Jew? By Allah, I am not drinking it except because the chain of transmission is weak.'

Page 45: A woman married a blind man and says to her husband, 'If you could have seen my beauty and the whiteness of my skin, you would have been astonished.' So the husband replied, 'Shut it! If you were as you describe, those with sight would not have abandoned you.'

Wasalam

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3 hours ago, Ibn al-Hussain said:

:salam:

If you want to read some real jokes, you will need to read the 650-odd page work Zahr al-Rabi' of Sayyid Ni'matullah Jaza'iri. Unfortunately, it got infamous over time due to the last section of the book in which there is a lot of sexually explicit material (to the extent that some scholars hold the opinion it is prohibited to read this book), but otherwise, the material in it is really funny. 

Thank you! Is this book available in English? Or could you share more from it or a link?

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4 hours ago, ChattingwithShias said:

Thank you! Is this book available in English? Or could you share more from it or a link?

No, it isn't in English. It is only in Arabic, though some of the jokes have been translated into Farsi and can be downloaded here: https://www.takbook.com/847-story-irani/دانلود-کتاب-لطائف-زهر-الربيع/

The Arabic is available here: https://archive.org/details/Shiaa_20161218_1225

Wasalam

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Not had much success with this joke previously on Shiachat, but perhaps the more religiously inclined visiting this thread will get it.

Goharshad turns to her architect and asks, 'great iwan, but where's the mosque?'.

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2 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

Not had much success with this joke previously on Shiachat, but perhaps the more religiously inclined visiting this thread will get it.

Goharshad turns to her architect and asks, 'great iwan, but where's the mosque?'.

What does Cisco's traffic control and security systems have to do, in particular, with a mosque?

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7 hours ago, hasanhh said:

What does Cisco's traffic control and security systems have to do, in particular, with a mosque?

Bro, it's only been a couple of days fasting and it's already getting to you.

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12 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

Not had much success with this joke previously on Shiachat, but perhaps the more religiously inclined visiting this thread will get it.

Goharshad turns to her architect and asks, 'great iwan, but where's the mosque?'.

:salam:

Sounds very witty but did not get it.

Does not Goharshad mosque have aa huge dome ?

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:salam:

Some more, from Zahr al-Rabi':

Page 23: A man said to someone who farted a lot, 'Do not fart, as flatus is a calamity!' The man replies, 'In that case, it is more appropriate for me to push it out of my stomach than to carry it with me.'

Page 32:  There was a man who lived in Qazwin whose family lived in Baghdad. He wanted to send them a letter in which he explained his well-being. So when he finished writing the later, he began thinking about a trustworthy post-man to deliver this letter and realized that there is no one more trustworthy to deliver this to my house than me. So he carried the letter and when he reached Baghdad, he knocked on the door and his children came out all happy due to his arrival. They all wanted him to come inside, so he said, 'I only came here to deliver this letter, otherwise this is not the time for my arrival.' He says that and returned back to Qazwin.

Page 33: There was a married man who would always commit Zina. So his wife said to him, 'Allah has provided you with a Halal pleasant option, yet you abandon that and go towards Zina!' He replied: 'As for Halal, yes - but as for pleasant, no way!'

This one is for those who understand grammar jargon - from Page 50: Some heedless people read the verse: Fi Buyutun Adhina Allah with the word Buyut in the state of Raf' (i.e. with a Dhamma instead of a Kasra). A person says to them, 'You have to say the word Buyut in the state of Jarr' (i.e. with a Kasra) فِي بُيُوتٍ أَذِنَ اللَّهُ أَن تُرْفَعَ - 24:36. So they reply back to him, 'O ignorant one! When Allah Himself says فِي بُيُوتٍ أَذِنَ اللَّهُ أَن تُرْفَعَ (i.e. He himself allows you to say it in the state of Raf') then who are you to give it a Jarr.

Page 56: A robber entered the house of a poor man who didn't have anything. He began looking and searching for things around the house until the poor man figured out and saw the robber. He says to the robber: 'Young man, that which you are looking for at this time of the night is the same thing I look for during the day and don't find it!'

Page 59: A Bedouin returned back from a journey disappointed and said: We did not profit in this journey, except the number of prayers we had to recite as Qasr.

Page 69: A woman from the desert looked into the mirror and saw that she was beautiful while her husband was ugly. So she says to him, 'I hope that you and I enter heaven together because I was tested with you and I remained patient, while Allah blessed you with me and you were grateful.'

Page 71: Some of the caliphs said to some ascetics: You are great in your asceticism! So they would reply: You are more ascetic than me because you decided to refrain from the blessings of the hereafter which are permanent and great, while I remained ascetic from the blessings of this lowly temporary world.

Wasalam

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a  certain imam, while preaching to his followers in a mosque said: 

- when going by graveyards it's good to say a prayer. 

One day while the imam is travelling with a neighbour, they pass by the graveyards, & he did not stop to say his prayer.

His neighbour says to imam: you said we should stop & say a prayer whenever we pass by a gravesite, & you didn't stop.

- well, - the imam said, the people of this area never understand anything while they are alive, & will understand even less as dead.

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Some more, from Zahr al-Rabi':

Page 99: There was once a young man who went to the Hawza and he would write back to his associates about the learning he had gained. And they would all be impressed with his knowledge. But then he started sending back the jokes he had learnt and they would look forward with anticipation to seeing the next one.

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In the Ottoman times, the leaders sent an imam to a place to convert the people to Islam. The imam was very able man, he almost convinced them to convert. As the imam was sure he had done his job, a man said: 

- imam, we better leave this whole conversion thing for summer?

- & why should we leave it for summer when we can finish it now? - the imam asked.

- well, imam, we have some pigs left & we'll slay them for the winter, as we do want them to go to waste,' he said.

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Now I know why the Hollywood never makes Islamic horror movies.
Just one Ayatul Kursi, and the demon is khalas!
How the heck do you stretch it into a 2-hour long film?

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10 hours ago, Mzwakhe said:

well, imam, we have some pigs left & we'll slay them for the winter, as we do want them to go to waste,' he said.

They know as a Muslim they should not waste food. Imam should have kept lesson on Israaf for later. 

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At the time when people went to the moon, an envious man got really angry seeing people walking around on the moon, as he thought they were interfering in God's affairs. As he went to his neighbor for a visit, he meets an imam there. After having greeted the imam, the envious man told the imam:

- imam, I hear the rumor of people going to the Cosmos & I don't believe it a bit.

- it's not your fault you don't believe it, because they don't go there using your brains - imam told the envious man.

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2 hours ago, Mzwakhe said:

At the time when people went to the moon, an envious man got really angry seeing people walking around on the moon, as he thought they were interfering in God's affairs. As he went to his neighbor for a visit, he meets an imam there. After having greeted the imam, the envious man told the imam:

- imam, I hear the rumor of people going to the Cosmos & I don't believe it a bit.

- it's not your fault you don't believe it,     because they don't go there using your brains      -(the) imam told the envious man.

They didn't use mine, either.

:D

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3 hours ago, hasanhh said:

mine, either.

#metoo

:clap:

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:salam:

A bit #sectarian, depends on your 2nd degree.

A young man visits a sheikh :

- Mawlana, I don't know why but I can't help feeling myself superior to people

- Son, know that being arrogant prevents you from getting closer to Allah, this is a great sin in Islam, especially to us Shias. We should show the best akhlaq

- But Mawlana, I am not Shia

- What, you are not Shia, so what are you so proud about, you jerk ?

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Just now, hasanhh said:

crisis? "me2" is for...

it is your thinking,

am not using your brain either:yahoo:

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A unbeliever dies and is resurrected on the Last Day.

The unbeliever says, "l was told l'd meet Saint Peter at the Gate."

A Malik says, "You are not going to meet anyone. Now no more talking in ranks", smacking the unbeliever in the mouth.

The unbeliever thinks to himself, "Now where-in-the-Hell am l supposed to go?"

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