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In the Name of God بسم الله

Divorcing infertile husband

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salam alaikum everyone.

I don't know where to begin. Been married since I was 19 to my wonderful husband. I'm now 32 and 2 years into our marriage we were told he can't have children. We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but now after more than 10 years have passed, I'm losing my hope because I'm getting older. Right now I feel I want to divorce him and marry someone else before it gets too late for me to have children. My husband wants the best for me and said if I want divorce for this reason it is ok but I know he is sad, I'm sad too but no choice. We don't want to adopt. I know there is no sin on me if I divorce him for this reason but I wanted to hear what other people think because I'm confused to divorce my good husband just for this. I think my question is for brothers if you would marry a sister that you know left her husband for infertility? sisters can tell me what you think too.

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This type of thinking is toxic. You're justifying throwing him away because you assume he would do the same. Have you asked him what he would do if the shoe were on the other foot? Your family se

I don't understand why you'd rather divorce your husband - who seems to be an incredibly awesome stand-up guy given that he's even willing to divorce you to make you happy - instead of just adopting a

Salaam, i agree with @Abu Hadi, that 19 years in a good marriage is not something to take lightly for many reasons. For one, in this day and age the divorce rate especially for Muslims is extremely hi

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12 minutes ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

I don't understand why you'd rather divorce your husband - who seems to be an incredibly awesome stand-up guy given that he's even willing to divorce you to make you happy - instead of just adopting a baby. Why do you need to have a biological child? I personally cannot see the reasoning behind leaving behind a man who truly understands and loves you for the sake of having a child when adoption is a completely viable option. Could you perhaps share why the two of you don't want to adopt?

Thanks for the reply. My mother and 2 sisters have told me to divorce him for many years now. They say I don't deserve this pain and say any man would either get a new wife or leave the infertile wife, so they say why we women have to suffer for this when men have other choices and don't feel bad for leaving the infertile wife. but my father tells me to stay because God will help us somehow. That's why I'm confused. My husband doesn't want adopted children because he says it gets complicated when they grow older. Before I did not care if we adopt but I don't want to do it without his full heart into it. I want children because I feel more judged by my family and some friends to stay with no children and with him when I have the choice to have them with someone else. 

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Brother @Abu Hadi and @shia farm girl thank you for your kind replies, they made me feel better. Just to note, I did not say I have been married for 19 years. I got married when I was 19 and now I'm 32 so that is almost 13 years of marriage which is still a lot I know, but as good as he is, the pain I went through with IVF and all these years of waiting and waiting have almost made me crazy. I love my husband and yes we get a long perfect but I can't accept my life without having bio children and having my own family telling me I have the choice to stop suffering also confuses me. Dear sister @shia farm girl I'm very very sorry what happened to your ex that is really heart breaking and thank you for your words, I wish you a wonderful life.

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3 hours ago, touma86 said:

We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but

Salam do you tried Iran for IVF ,Iran is one of the best countries for IVF & other methods  you can contact with below link

http://www.royaninstitute.org/cmsen/index.php?option=com_contact&catid=12&Itemid=103

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6 hours ago, touma86 said:

salam alaikum everyone.

I don't know where to begin. Been married since I was 19 to my wonderful husband. I'm now 32 and 2 years into our marriage we were told he can't have children. We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but now after more than 10 years have passed, I'm losing my hope because I'm getting older. Right now I feel I want to divorce him and marry someone else before it gets too late for me to have children. My husband wants the best for me and said if I want divorce for this reason it is ok but I know he is sad, I'm sad too but no choice. We don't want to adopt. I know there is no sin on me if I divorce him for this reason but I wanted to hear what other people think because I'm confused to divorce my good husband just for this. I think my question is for brothers if you would marry a sister that you know left her husband for infertility? sisters can tell me what you think too.

It is usually the opposite, where the men tend to leave the women! You found a daimond, and you want to lose it for silver only cause you get bronze with it for free? That is what I am reading. Meaning your furture husband has probably judgemental thoughts about you when you talk to him, and this will affect your life further on. D

What would Fatima Zahra do? What did Imam Hussein do when he was against Yazid? I wanna run cause I want to survive? No! Sayida Zainab said if this pleases you to Allah, then take more. And I think stop complaining, and start seeing the good things.

Edited by Hamodiii
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Thank you everyone. I hope Allah rewards you all for helping me. I feel much better. @Islandsandmirrors sorry if by my logic I made you feel bad. Thanks for the perspective and I hope you will have a very happy life. I will talk to him more about adoption. I hope he agrees and Allah makes it easy for us.

Pray for us brothers and sisters.

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Your husband sounds like an amazing person, you're pretty lucky a lot of people aren't, they have kids but are in marriages they are completely unhappy in, and at times even wish they hadn't had kids, which actually make it harder to separate. I would say look into adopting. 

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Salam! You have received many good advices mashAllah. I also would say dont divorce. Think about how much your husband cares about you. He also seems to have had (might still have) strong desire to have children. He also hurts. He might feel quilty and deep sadness. I bet he feels sad for both of you.

But you two have mashAllah strong marriage. Fertility treatments are not easy and only strong ones keep up and can support themselfs and spouse, just like your husband mashAllah did. You have been married for long time. You have been walking all this way together in hard and easy times. I understand that you want to be mother. Think about adopting. 

If you would get divorced it wouldnt be guaranteed that you would even get married again. Atleast not with a man as good as your current husband. Think about all the good things in your marriage. How much he loves you. This hard road of infertility has only made you two even stronger together. We plan but Allah is the best of planners (Quran 8:30).

Marriage is half of deen and your husband can be your ticket to Jannah. Hold on to that because in Jannah you can have everything you want, even children. Therein are brought round for them trays of gold and goblets, and therein is all that souls desire and eyes find sweet. And ye are immortal therein (43:71)

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For having child

Dua'a for Child birth-Pregnancy-Delivery

http://www.duas.org/matri3.htm

Imam Sajjad (as) :first recite

فَقُلْتُ اسْتَغْفِرُوا رَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ غَفَّارًا ﴿١٠﴾ 
hen I said, Ask forgiveness of your Lord, surely He is the most Forgiving: (10)
يُرْسِلِ السَّمَاءَ عَلَيْكُم مِّدْرَارًا ﴿١١ وَيُمْدِدْكُم بِأَمْوَالٍ وَبَنِينَ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ أَنْهَارًا ﴿١٢
He will send down upon you the cloud, pouring down abundance of rain: (11) And help you with wealth and sons, and make for you gardens, and make for you rivers. (12)
He will send down upon you the cloud, pouring down abundance of rain: (11) And help you with wealth and sons, and make for you gardens, and make for you rivers. (12)
then recite 70 time
رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِی فَرْداً وَ أَنْتَ خَیْرُ الْوَارِثِینَ وَ اجْعَلْ لِی مِنْ لَدُنْکَ وَلِیّاً یَرِثُنِی فِی حَیَاتِی وَ یَسْتَغْفِرُ لِی بَعْدَ مَوْتِی وَ اجْعَلْهُ خَلَفاً سَوِیّاً وَ لَا تَجْعَلْ لِلشَّیْطَانِ فِیهِ نَصِیباً اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّی أَسْتَغْفِرُکَ وَ أَتُوبُ إِلَیْکَ إِنَّکَ أَنْتَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِیمُ
Ya Allah, do not let me alone, and you are the best heirs, and make a successor to me that would make me good in my time and, after my death, seek forgiveness for me, and grant him a healthy creature, and do not share the devil with him. Ya Allah! I ask forgiveness for you, and I will return to you, because you are generous and kind
or read dua 1 time and say
استغرالله* 70 then
 70* سبحان اللهthen 
Imam Sadiq (as)
اللَّهُمَّ لَا تَذَرْنِی فَرْداً وَ أَنْتَ خَیْرُ الْوَارِثِینَ وَحِیداً وَحْشاً فَیَقْصُرَ شُکْرِی عَنْ تَفَکُّرِی بَلْ هَبْ لِی عَاقِبَةَ صِدْقٍ ذُکُوراً وَ إِنَاثاً آنَسُ بِهِمْ مِنَ الْوَحْشَةِ وَ أَسْکُنُ إِلَیْهِمْ مِنَ الْوَحْدَةِ وَ أَشْکُرُکَ عِنْدَ تَمَامِ النِّعْمَةِ یَا وَهَّابُ یَا عَظِیمُ یَا مُعَظَّمُ ثُمَّ أَعْطِنِی فِی کُلِّ عَافِیَةٍ شُکْراً حَتَّی تُبْلِغَنِی مِنْهَا رِضْوَانَکَ فِی صِدْقِ الْحَدِیثِ وَ أَدَاءِ الْأَمَانَةِ وَ وَفَاءٍ بِالْعَهْدِ
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On 4/27/2018 at 4:51 PM, touma86 said:

salam alaikum everyone.

I don't know where to begin. Been married since I was 19 to my wonderful husband. I'm now 32 and 2 years into our marriage we were told he can't have children. We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but now after more than 10 years have passed, I'm losing my hope because I'm getting older. Right now I feel I want to divorce him and marry someone else before it gets too late for me to have children. My husband wants the best for me and said if I want divorce for this reason it is ok but I know he is sad, I'm sad too but no choice. We don't want to adopt. I know there is no sin on me if I divorce him for this reason but I wanted to hear what other people think because I'm confused to divorce my good husband just for this. I think my question is for brothers if you would marry a sister that you know left her husband for infertility? sisters can tell me what you think too.

Salaam, yes you have the right to divorce him but that doesn't mean you have to do everything that is in your "rights". The fact that he is understanding enough that he is willing to give you a divorce so that you can have something in your life is a fact that HE CARES MORE ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS THEN HIS OWN. That my sister is the truest definition of love and believe me you will have hard luck in finding another man like that.

I am very sorry for the pain you are going through, and yes this following is probably very easy (and maybe hypocritical) for me to say as I have not experienced the pain you are feeling as I have children of my own AlhumduLilah and don't plan on adopting anyone myself, but please do atleast consider the advice. JUST IMAGINE what an orphan goes through when he/she sees other kids playing with their parents, their moms and dads kissing them and talking with them, imagine the pain they go through when they see that and they don't have any mom or dad to cry on. Our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) was an orphan at the age of 6, and Abu Talib (عليه السلام) raised him as his own son, what would have happened to our Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) if Abu Talib (عليه السلام) didn't adopt him. Maybe Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Knows how great human being you and your husband are that He Has Made it this way so that you two adopt children and not other people? And yes doing Ziyarat is also very beneficial, there is NO DUA that is not Accepted underneath the dome of Imam Hussain (عليه السلام), talk to the Imams (عليه السلام) and have faith, but please do consider what I said above. Again I know it's very easy for me to say as I have not experienced the pain you are experiencing but I have no doubt that if that indeed is the case you two are much more higher human beings than me. InshAllah may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Bless you two with a lifetime of happiness.

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May Allah grant you both ease in this test insha'Allah.

I second the poster who said try Iran for invitro. They seem to be exceptionally good at it. I have recently received good news from a couple whose chances were very low medically speaking, but alhamdulillah, they have managed to conceive recently. Their traditional herbalists also seem to have a good track record with infertility issues.

In what you have shared of your circumstances, I have a feeling divorce may end up being something you regret terribly. IF there are other deal breakers about him then perhaps it would be worth considering.. but if it is an issue that is outside his control, and your alternative is also not a guarantee of having a child..then keep the thoughts out of your mind and try to focus on solutions that may still be available to you.

On this blessed day, may Allah grant you righteous children who will be a source of happiness in your dunya and aakhirah.

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Talk to your husband about adoption.  Find out what his anxieties he has about adoption and then find resources in your community to allay those fears.  If you make it really clear that is what you want to do, he will most likely go along with it.   I cant believe that he would agree for you to divorce him rather than to adopt a child. If he does have a problem with exploring this option, then that would be closer to a reason to divorce.  He needs to acknowledge that he is to be part of the solution to his infertility.  

And if the OP were a man, we would all be telling him to get another wife, either a replacement or an addition, and that his wife would have to learn how to deal with it.  So her comments that women do not have the options that a man has are  valid.

 

Edited by forte
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On 4/29/2018 at 4:17 PM, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Go with your husband and visit the Imams.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Hi Laayla: SOrry if i sound rude here, but Dont you think she must have tried every possible way of hope as in praying/visiting shrines/ and trying everything thats been told by 100s of people ?

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1 hour ago, Be Human First said:

Hi Laayla: SOrry if i sound rude here, but Dont you think she must have tried every possible way of hope as in praying/visiting shrines/ and trying everything thats been told by 100s of people ?

Dont you think She might have visited Imams Already?

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9 hours ago, Be Human First said:

Hi Laayla: SOrry if i sound rude here, but Dont you think she must have tried every possible way of hope as in praying/visiting shrines/ and trying everything thats been told by 100s of people ?

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Insh'Allah she goes with her dh.  

Our Imams do not return anyone empty handed.  Remember that.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

IMG_20180503_132117.jpg

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On 4/28/2018 at 7:51 AM, touma86 said:

salam alaikum everyone.

I don't know where to begin. Been married since I was 19 to my wonderful husband. I'm now 32 and 2 years into our marriage we were told he can't have children. We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but now after more than 10 years have passed, I'm losing my hope because I'm getting older. Right now I feel I want to divorce him and marry someone else before it gets too late for me to have children. My husband wants the best for me and said if I want divorce for this reason it is ok but I know he is sad, I'm sad too but no choice. We don't want to adopt. I know there is no sin on me if I divorce him for this reason but I wanted to hear what other people think because I'm confused to divorce my good husband just for this. I think my question is for brothers if you would marry a sister that you know left her husband for infertility? sisters can tell me what you think too.

Your better off not having kids it’s 2018 raising chidren is extemely challanging and it will get worse in the next coming years save yourself a headache and just be a devout Muslim and do lots of charity and help the poor.

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On 4/27/2018 at 5:51 PM, touma86 said:

salam alaikum everyone.

I don't know where to begin. Been married since I was 19 to my wonderful husband. I'm now 32 and 2 years into our marriage we were told he can't have children. We tried many rounds of IVF and nothing happened, 8 rounds to be exact and he says he doesn't want to do more. I tried trusting God and thinking one day he will give us children but now after more than 10 years have passed, I'm losing my hope because I'm getting older. Right now I feel I want to divorce him and marry someone else before it gets too late for me to have children. My husband wants the best for me and said if I want divorce for this reason it is ok but I know he is sad, I'm sad too but no choice. We don't want to adopt. I know there is no sin on me if I divorce him for this reason but I wanted to hear what other people think because I'm confused to divorce my good husband just for this. I think my question is for brothers if you would marry a sister that you know left her husband for infertility? sisters can tell me what you think too.

I will say he is a great husband and he is your life partner. if he is willing to give you divorce for your happiness what else you want? what is your next husband won't be like him? what when your kids will grow up and most probably will leave you alone? I would say adopt a child and stop being selfish. I am sure he would like to have a kid as well, but if he has a medical condition and he can't have one that's not his fault. Remember children are test for you, and let me tell you one thing it is not easy to raise a pious child. You know one thing for sure that he is a nice husband, but you cant say the same for your future husband if any and for your future biological child. Try giving him khak-e-shifa, and it will cure him. 

 

Also, as you husband to recite following dua in the last sajood or every farz namaz. 
رَبِّ لاَ تَذَرْنِي فَرْدًا وَأَنْتَ خَيْرُ الْوَارِثِينَ Rabbi la tadharni fardaw wa-anta Khairul Waritheen (O my Lord! Leave me not without offspring, though Thou art the Best of inheritors) 

 

And check this as well http://duas.org/kshifa.htm

Edited by Ron_Burgundy
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On 4/27/2018 at 6:49 PM, touma86 said:

They say I don't deserve this pain and say any man would either get a new wife or leave the infertile wife, so they say why we women have to suffer for this when men have other choices and don't feel bad for leaving the infertile wife.

May Allah never put someone in this situation, but i would have never left my wife for this. I would have adopted. 

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On 5/1/2018 at 3:31 PM, shadow_of_light said:

Does anyone know how we can adopt a Syrian or Iraqi child?

Where do you live? 

 

For both religious and Islamic reasons adoption is prohibited in Iraq. It is illegal for foreigners or non-Muslims to adopt Iraqi children. There is a guardianship system in place in Iraq allowing for families to care for an orphan without the child actually becoming a son or daughter. 

Edited by Ron_Burgundy
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11 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Insh'Allah she goes with her dh.  

Our Imams do not return anyone empty handed.  Remember that.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

IMG_20180503_132117.jpg

Please read my that comment , perhaps read it few times...

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5 minutes ago, Laayla said:

^^^

Answer is still the same.

Recognize the Imam of your time.

What is your objection?  

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

I have no objection, I questioned you, you ddint answer me rather you posted this Video, all i meant to say you was, going through that stressful problem I dont think she has left any stone unturned ..Your response to her comment was emotionally and religously THE BEST One, but it looks like she is expecting some realistic advice or suggestions...

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