Tips for Finding A Good Spouse

[Abu Hadi]

Bismillah Ta'la

1) Be Open

This is the most important one. In my experiences, almost always the ones who stay single are the ones who have very narrow criteria for a spouse and they stick to those criteria. The Islamic criteria for a suitable spouse are well known (deen and aklaq, for a man the ability to give najaqat, etc). If you start adding others things on top of this (has to have so much money, has to be from my same village / area, has to be sayyid, etc, etc) the harder it will be and the longer it will take to find a spouse, if one is ever found. There is no evidence that I have ever seen that says someone who marries from a certain income level, a certain village, a certain culture, sayyid / non sayyid, etc have any better chance of having a good and long marriage vs someone who marries from a spouse that doesn't have these things. There will be trials and difficulties in a marriage, whether the husband and wife are cousins or whether they are from opposite sides of the earth. When the difficulties come, what will get you thru as a couple is following Islam by having good aklaq with each other and trusting and respecting each other, what your cultural background or family background is will not help you. 

2) Who you marry is your choice, not your families choice. 

The only person in the family who has any role to play in spouse selection is the father or paternal grandfather. This role is limited to objecting to a man based on three things, and only three things. 

A ) Nafakha (permanent marriage only). He cannot support the wife financially. This means that he cannot provide for the minimum level of support, the nafakha, meaning a place to live, food, and two dresses. If the potential husband can provide that, then the father has no right to object

B) Deen. If the man is not muslim, and some add to this if he is non shia, the father has the right to object. If he is muslim, and some say that if he is non shia but fulfills all the other criteria, then the father has no right to object. Also, if he is fasiq, meaning he openly violates a clear ordinance(for example he drinks alcohol publicly, does zina, steals from people, etc) or doesn't do the wajib(doesn't pray, doesn't fast during Ramadan) then the father has the right to object. Also, if there are three credible witnesses from the community that have witnessed him violating the religion, in a clear way, then the father has the right to object on grounds of deen, based on the famous hadith from Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) that says 'Any father who marries his daughter to a fasiq has done qataa' Al Rahim'. (severed the connections of the womb). 

C) Aklaq. If the man has a disagreeable personality, meaning he is not kind to his parents, not kind to others, is miserly, is a known liar, or he has a bad personality trait that is extreme so that everyone or almost everyone around him notices it, then the father has the right to object on the grounds of aklaq. 

Those are the three grounds. If the father's objection is based on anything else, he has no right to object. The other people in the family (mother, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles) have no say in the matter, even if they object based on these grounds. Anyone who stands in the way of a marriage and has no Haqq(no right to do it) and their objection isn't based on one of the above legitimate criteria, they are doing a sin by becoming a roadblock in the way of a brother or sister trying to complete their deen and their is accountability and possibly punishment for this in this world and the next. 

The husband and the wife are responsible and accountable for the decisions they make or don't make regarding marriage. They can take the advice of people if they wish, or don't take it but they are ultimately the one's responsible. Noone has the right to block or sabotage a potential marriage for their own personal reasons or their own personal gain. 

3) Get Married Early, not Late

There are so many hadiths regarding the merits of marrying early, that I don't feel there is any need to post them again, but if requested, I will do. The window for marriage opens when a man or women has met the criteria of being baligh(mature) and rushd(of sound mind). The criteria for baligh and rushd vary slightly depending on the society and lifestyle of the community but generally this is around 14 for girls and 16 for boys. Also, the laws of the country need to be taken into consideration regarding the age when girls and boys are considered 'able to consent to sexual intercourse'. In Western Countries, this is generally 16 years of age for girls and boys, and different ages in other countries. 

Once the marriage window opens, based on the above criteria, it has a period of time which it stays open. The purpose of this thread is not to debate how long it stays open, but to say that it is better to marry earlier in this window rather than later. This applies to men as much as it does for women. The main reason for this is that when people are young, they are more flexible as far as adapting to their partner. Spouses always have different thoughts, opinions, personalities, and life experiences. Because spouses have to 'join together' (zawaja), both physically, psychologically, and spiritually, there is an urgent need for them to be able to adapt to the others habits, thoughts, opinions, and personality. This is much, much easier when you are young, and then go thru life together vs marrying older when you are less flexible and less able to adapt in the thorough way you need to adapt to a spouse. If spouses marry when they are young and both are committed to following the religion of Islam and being honest, caring, and trusting of each other, there is nothing stopping them from having a long, happy, and sucessful marriage. 

This is not to say that someone who marries later in life is 'doomed' to a unhappy or failed marriage, but marrying later in life is a more difficult and challenging process and thus more prone to failure. Also, there are no hadiths that I have ever read that encourage someone to marry later in life. 

4) Consider Mutah

I am not saying this is the right option for everyone, but it is the right option for many single brothers and sisters. If you are in university, living away from your country, etc, this is a much better option than being single. Mutah is marriage and marriage is highly mustahab and encouraged in itself. According to all scholars, both Shia and Sunni, Mutah was a common practice in the early years of Islam, before it was prohibited by Omar, and it was not seen as a 'lesser' form of marriage by the muslims at the time of Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and there was no stigma attached to women who engaged in this form of marriage. These opinions came about later and were a result of the actions of Omar plus Islam being mixed with other cultures in which women were seen as property. 

I think we need to encourage the practice of Mutah, practiced responsibly and within the context of Islamic ethics and aklaq, at least to revive the Sunnah or Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and to give brothers and sisters who are in different situations this option and also to reverse the tide of social corruption based on large numbers of single brothers and sisters in our community. 

Also, being a second wife may be an option for certain sisters, if they are comfortable with this situation and the man has solid deen and aklaq and the other wife(s) are also comfortable with the situation. If a sister is considering this type of marriage, make sure that this is not a 'secret' marriage and that the other wives are aware and that your rights and dignity is protected in this situation. 

5) Be Active

Don't sit back and passively wait for someone to find you a spouse. Noone cares about you finding the right spouse for you more than you do. Be your best friend and your best advocate. From the Holy Quran, 

فَإِذَا قُضِيَتِ الصَّلَاةُ فَانتَشِرُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ وَابْتَغُوا مِن فَضْلِ اللَّهِ وَاذْكُرُوا اللَّهَ كَثِيرًا لَّعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

62:10 And when the prayer is ended, disperse freely on earth  and seek to obtain [something] of God's bounty; but remember God often, so that you might attain to a happy state!

إِنَّ اللّهَ لاَ يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّى يُغَيِّرُواْ مَا بِأَنْفُسِهِمْ

13:11...God does not change people's condition unless they change their own selves

The generally accepted meaning of these two verses is that one should not be passive toward the things in life which bring to bounty of Allah(s.w.a), meaning the thing in life which one needs to be happy and prosper. We are commanded to go out and actively seek those things. Get involved in Islamic Projects in your community, Use online tools(but be safe and reasonable with these), talk to family, friends, let people know that you are looking, attend conferences, etc. Allah(s.w.a) helps those who help themselves when it comes to their needs. 

[AbdusSibtayn]

Assalamu alaykum,

Jazakallah khairan! We youngsters can always rely on brother @Abu Hadi to see us right!! May Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى grant him good health and lengthen his life, so that we may keep benefiting from his splendid advises !!

[Soldiers and Saffron]

On 2018-04-22 at 12:19 PM, Abu Hadi said:

4) Consider Mutah

Just to add: This recommendation does not apply to virgin women.

[Ahmed_516478]

1 hour ago, IbnSina said:

Just to add: This recommendation does not apply to virgin women.

A mature legally responsible virgin girl can marry in mut'a. 

[Soldiers and Saffron]

4 hours ago, Shi3i_jadeed said:

A mature legally responsible virgin girl can marry in mut'a. 

What do you mean by legally responsible? 

[Ahmed_516478]

29 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

What do you mean by legally responsible? 

Baligha rashida (للبالغة الرشيدة) 

[Soldiers and Saffron]

12 hours ago, Shi3i_jadeed said:

Baligha rashida (للبالغة الرشيدة) 

Yes the rulings of some marjas are that if a women is completely financially independent, i.e. housing, etc. then she can have mutah without the permission of her wali, even if virgin.

However that is only the rulings of some marjas and not all.

Either way it is not advisable for a virgin women with no experiences of how men are to engage in mutahs without her walis involvement. She will get emotionally manipulated and used, I know this might be hard for you and me to relate to but some men will do and say whatever to get what they want, even if they do so in the name of Islam.

Furthermore, once a person is sexually active it is much harder to become sexually inactive again, leading to more mutahs, that is also a point as to why a more permanent solution is better for a virgin women.

Furthermore, having mutah after mutah will leave you comparing everyone to everyone and most likely never be fully satisfied in the end, which might be troublesome when it is time for a permanent marriage, this goes for both genders. 

Furthermore, if a independent virgin women were to do mutah without her walis (most likely parents) involvement and then become pregnant, this would put her in a very bad situation. 

 

I can go on listing reasons as to why it is not a good idea but I think you get what I am saying.

To advise a virgin women to do mutah, especially without her fathers or elders involvement is a extremely irresponsible advise. We will for sure be held accountable for everything we say, including irresponsible advises.