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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Not allowed to eat

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Salam

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

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I have sympathy for your mom. You are obviously insulting her house keeping skills and you are being ungrateful. 10 pounds is not such a big weight loss and you can obviously get something from outside to eat. If your mom was really cruel, she would make you do all the work at home. If you had to wash not only your dishes, but all dishes and clean the house, I wonder if you would remain so obsessed with cleaning. Perfectionists are spoiled, they are never victims. I repeat, you can buy something from outside to eat since you are 18 years old. You are just trying to be a victim. I hope shiachatters give you the usual lectures they give to kids in threads about abusive parents. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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2 hours ago, 5araName said:

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

Salam, Sister. Of course your Mom should not treat you like that, but she has an excuse. She is very worried and tense, for any number of reasons, and I don't know what those reasons are. Maybe you know what her problems are. However, the fact that you are moving out in the Summer has made your Mother even more anxious. She is worried what will happen to you when you live somewhere else. Try to make her life easier in these last few months or weeks before you leave. Talk to her and smile a little. When we are young we expect our parents to be the best and they sometimes can't be. They can only be as they are, until they reflect on their own behavior, calm down and realize that they should see life from their child's point of view.  

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2 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

I have sympathy for your mom. You are obviously insulting her house keeping skills and you are being ungrateful. 10 pounds is not such a big weight loss and you can obviously get something from outside to eat. If your mom was really cruel, she would make you do all the work at home. If you had to wash not only your dishes, but all dishes and clean the house, I wonder if you would remain so obsessed with cleaning. Perfectionists are spoiled, they are never victims. I repeat, you can buy something from outside to eat since you are 18 years old. You are just trying to be a victim. I hope shiachatters give you the usual lectures they give to kids in threads about abusive parents. 

You know absolutly nothing about me. First of all I always clean and help her cook. The second thing is that she has been doing this to me ever since I was 11 years old. And on top of that, no I can not get anything to eat from outside. The money that I make, I give to my parents for living at their house. And no I am NOT spoiled. Next time dont just assume things about other people just from reading a small text. Your entire comment is just disrespectful.

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2 minutes ago, 5araName said:

You know absolutly nothing about me. First of all I always clean and help her cook. The second thing is that she has been doing this to me ever since I was 11 years old. And on top of that, no I can not get anything to eat from outside. The money that I make, I give to my parents for living at their house. And no I am NOT spoiled. Next time dont just assume things about other people just from reading a small text. Your entire comment is just disrespectful.

And I lost those 10 pounds in a week, so yes it is alot considering I lost it from starvation. 

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On 4/21/2018 at 5:36 PM, 5araName said:

And I lost those 10 pounds in a week, so yes it is alot considering I lost it from starvation. 

I think This type of your symptoms are as what that called Waswas that is called from Shaitan ,I think when you think too much about cleanness you could use something like dhikrs that will calm down you ,for example for next time if you want to change your plate before that say 100 times Astagfurillah استغفرالله That will help you don’t change the plate & removes your worry. 

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4 hours ago, 5araName said:

Salam

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

I always like to believe all mothers have at least a minimum amount of love for their children. At the end of the day, she carried you in her for 9 months then went through labor and then had to raise you etc. it's not an easy job at all. That doesn't justify her punishing you in such an extreme manner that you lost 10 pounds so quickly though. No matter what, you deserve basic needs and nutrition. 

Maybe try and sit her down. Speak to her, let her know how you're feeling. Idk if you've been diagnosed clinically with OCD, if you haven't, maybe try and see a doctor and get help dealing with it. In turn this would help you with your mum, because she'd realise that you're actually suffering from a mental illness and it's serious. It's not you just being fussy and ungrateful. 

Inshallah things get better for you :)

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People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

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3 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

In this instance, I dont see how the OP is making her mother's life difficult. Yes, it may be frustrating for her mother to see the OP look so ungreatful (when she actually has a mental disorder and she's not doing it out of spite), but the OP said she simply got up to wash the plate again. She hasn't mentioned that she constantly moans at her mother for the cleanliness of the plates, or starts fights because of them. The OP hasn't given us any reason to believe that she's making anyone's life difficult. The only thing she's doing is cleaning things more than necessary. Yes, it isn't ideal, and some may interpret the OP's behaviour differently if they didn't know that she suffered from a mental disorder. 

Also, although society does encourage and romatisise certain mental illnesses and disorders, people who actually suffer from them tend to be annoyed by the romanticisation and encouragement of an illness that has actually made their life harder and more frustrating. So most of the time, people with disorders like OCD don't appreciate the encouragement they get from Asian/Arab communities and try their hardest to get help that will allow them to deal with their OCD in a more constructive way. 

Edited by Amira00

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On 4/22/2018 at 3:12 PM, Amira00 said:

In this instance, I dont see how the OP is making her mother's life difficult. Yes, it may be frustrating for her mother to see the OP look so ungreatful (when she actually has a mental disorder and she's not doing it out of spite), but the OP said she simply got up to wash the plate again. She hasn't mentioned that she constantly moans at her mother for the cleanliness of the plates, or starts fights because of them. The OP hasn't given us any reason to believe that she's making anyone's life difficult. The only thing she's doing is cleaning things more than necessary. Yes, it isn't ideal, and some may interpret the OP's behaviour differently if they didn't know that she suffered from a mental disorder. 

Also, although society does encourage and romatisise certain mental illnesses and disorders, people who actually suffer from them tend to be annoyed by the romanticisation and encouragement of an illness that has actually made their life harder and more frustrating. So most of the time, people with disorders like OCD don't appreciate the encouragement they get from Asian/Arab communities and try their hardest to get help that will allow them to deal with their OCD in a more constructive way. 

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

A very interesting lecture...

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This is an interesting article to read about Muslims and OCD. The Article is in two parts.

OCD - The Ones who suffer silently

Why are Muslims more likely to suffer from OCD

Baffling how still in this day and age the Muslim ummah still is a level of jahilliya about Mental Disorders.

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On 4/22/2018 at 12:00 PM, rkazmi33 said:

People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

I'm going to probably upset you but you really are talking a bunch of nonsense right now,  first you say the OP is ungrateful and then you spew this spiel? Please, your attitude is exactly what is wrong with Ummah and mental illness. You should stop before embarrassing yourself further, I am disgusted with you. The OP can't help it, it's a uncontrollable obsession that affects her quality of life.  Starving her and making her lose ten pounds in a week isn't going to fix OCD. It's mental illness, stop being ignorant.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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On 2018-04-21 at 1:35 PM, Hameedeh said:

Salam, Sister. Of course your Mom should not treat you like that, but she has an excuse. She is very worried and tense, for any number of reasons, and I don't know what those reasons are. Maybe you know what her problems are. However, the fact that you are moving out in the Summer has made your Mother even more anxious. She is worried what will happen to you when you live somewhere else. Try to make her life easier in these last few months or weeks before you leave. Talk to her and smile a little. When we are young we expect our parents to be the best and they sometimes can't be. They can only be as they are, until they reflect on their own behavior, calm down and realize that they should see life from their child's point of view.  

Really disagree here.  This is not about mom.  Walking on eggshells around someone like that (Mom) to try and curb their behaviours toward you is not usually effective; in fact, it often encourages the very behaviour you want extinguished.   And, it is a big enough job to try to develop individual strategies to cope with OCD.   At this time, Mom is  a clear bonafide part of these OCD cycles, given, at the very least, her reaction to the OP and then the OP's consequent reaction to her mom.  To encourage (which is what "make her life easier" does) Mom's dysfunctional part of the OCD cycle can self defeat the OP's efforts to reduce the impact of this disorder on her own life.  Also, Mom threatening and refusing food is pathologically controlling.  Absolutely no need to soft peddle that. Keep it real.  It is best for the OP to recognize and acknowledge Mom's behaviour  for what it is as it relates to her (the OP), and then compartmentalize it.  The OP then needs to try and separate from Mom's behaviours (not engage them) and take care of her own symptoms (without this toxic punitive baggage) into the future.  

Edited by forte

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