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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Not allowed to eat

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Salam

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

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I have sympathy for your mom. You are obviously insulting her house keeping skills and you are being ungrateful. 10 pounds is not such a big weight loss and you can obviously get something from outside to eat. If your mom was really cruel, she would make you do all the work at home. If you had to wash not only your dishes, but all dishes and clean the house, I wonder if you would remain so obsessed with cleaning. Perfectionists are spoiled, they are never victims. I repeat, you can buy something from outside to eat since you are 18 years old. You are just trying to be a victim. I hope shiachatters give you the usual lectures they give to kids in threads about abusive parents. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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2 hours ago, 5araName said:

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

Salam, Sister. Of course your Mom should not treat you like that, but she has an excuse. She is very worried and tense, for any number of reasons, and I don't know what those reasons are. Maybe you know what her problems are. However, the fact that you are moving out in the Summer has made your Mother even more anxious. She is worried what will happen to you when you live somewhere else. Try to make her life easier in these last few months or weeks before you leave. Talk to her and smile a little. When we are young we expect our parents to be the best and they sometimes can't be. They can only be as they are, until they reflect on their own behavior, calm down and realize that they should see life from their child's point of view.  

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2 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

I have sympathy for your mom. You are obviously insulting her house keeping skills and you are being ungrateful. 10 pounds is not such a big weight loss and you can obviously get something from outside to eat. If your mom was really cruel, she would make you do all the work at home. If you had to wash not only your dishes, but all dishes and clean the house, I wonder if you would remain so obsessed with cleaning. Perfectionists are spoiled, they are never victims. I repeat, you can buy something from outside to eat since you are 18 years old. You are just trying to be a victim. I hope shiachatters give you the usual lectures they give to kids in threads about abusive parents. 

You know absolutly nothing about me. First of all I always clean and help her cook. The second thing is that she has been doing this to me ever since I was 11 years old. And on top of that, no I can not get anything to eat from outside. The money that I make, I give to my parents for living at their house. And no I am NOT spoiled. Next time dont just assume things about other people just from reading a small text. Your entire comment is just disrespectful.

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2 minutes ago, 5araName said:

You know absolutly nothing about me. First of all I always clean and help her cook. The second thing is that she has been doing this to me ever since I was 11 years old. And on top of that, no I can not get anything to eat from outside. The money that I make, I give to my parents for living at their house. And no I am NOT spoiled. Next time dont just assume things about other people just from reading a small text. Your entire comment is just disrespectful.

And I lost those 10 pounds in a week, so yes it is alot considering I lost it from starvation. 

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On 4/21/2018 at 5:36 PM, 5araName said:

And I lost those 10 pounds in a week, so yes it is alot considering I lost it from starvation. 

I think This type of your symptoms are as what that called Waswas that is called from Shaitan ,I think when you think too much about cleanness you could use something like dhikrs that will calm down you ,for example for next time if you want to change your plate before that say 100 times Astagfurillah استغفرالله That will help you don’t change the plate & removes your worry. 

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4 hours ago, 5araName said:

Salam

First of all I am really embarrassed to ask this question and to even talk about it. Whenever my mom gets mad at me she doesn’t allow me to eat. I have OCD which means that I like everything to be clean and perfect and my mom hates that about me. Today I wanted to eat from a cleaner plate than the one she put on the table. So I went up to get a new one and then she told me that she is going to kill me if I ever at anything from the house again. This has happened before and I sometimes go days without eating. Last time I lost about 10 pounds because of it. I am 18 and I am moving out this summer to study at university (thank god for that) so I can hopefully eat whatever and whenever after I move out. But my question is, is it haram to punish your children like that? 

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

I always like to believe all mothers have at least a minimum amount of love for their children. At the end of the day, she carried you in her for 9 months then went through labor and then had to raise you etc. it's not an easy job at all. That doesn't justify her punishing you in such an extreme manner that you lost 10 pounds so quickly though. No matter what, you deserve basic needs and nutrition. 

Maybe try and sit her down. Speak to her, let her know how you're feeling. Idk if you've been diagnosed clinically with OCD, if you haven't, maybe try and see a doctor and get help dealing with it. In turn this would help you with your mum, because she'd realise that you're actually suffering from a mental illness and it's serious. It's not you just being fussy and ungrateful. 

Inshallah things get better for you :)

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People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

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3 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

In this instance, I dont see how the OP is making her mother's life difficult. Yes, it may be frustrating for her mother to see the OP look so ungreatful (when she actually has a mental disorder and she's not doing it out of spite), but the OP said she simply got up to wash the plate again. She hasn't mentioned that she constantly moans at her mother for the cleanliness of the plates, or starts fights because of them. The OP hasn't given us any reason to believe that she's making anyone's life difficult. The only thing she's doing is cleaning things more than necessary. Yes, it isn't ideal, and some may interpret the OP's behaviour differently if they didn't know that she suffered from a mental disorder. 

Also, although society does encourage and romatisise certain mental illnesses and disorders, people who actually suffer from them tend to be annoyed by the romanticisation and encouragement of an illness that has actually made their life harder and more frustrating. So most of the time, people with disorders like OCD don't appreciate the encouragement they get from Asian/Arab communities and try their hardest to get help that will allow them to deal with their OCD in a more constructive way. 

Edited by Amira00

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On 4/22/2018 at 3:12 PM, Amira00 said:

In this instance, I dont see how the OP is making her mother's life difficult. Yes, it may be frustrating for her mother to see the OP look so ungreatful (when she actually has a mental disorder and she's not doing it out of spite), but the OP said she simply got up to wash the plate again. She hasn't mentioned that she constantly moans at her mother for the cleanliness of the plates, or starts fights because of them. The OP hasn't given us any reason to believe that she's making anyone's life difficult. The only thing she's doing is cleaning things more than necessary. Yes, it isn't ideal, and some may interpret the OP's behaviour differently if they didn't know that she suffered from a mental disorder. 

Also, although society does encourage and romatisise certain mental illnesses and disorders, people who actually suffer from them tend to be annoyed by the romanticisation and encouragement of an illness that has actually made their life harder and more frustrating. So most of the time, people with disorders like OCD don't appreciate the encouragement they get from Asian/Arab communities and try their hardest to get help that will allow them to deal with their OCD in a more constructive way. 

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

A very interesting lecture...

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This is an interesting article to read about Muslims and OCD. The Article is in two parts.

OCD - The Ones who suffer silently

Why are Muslims more likely to suffer from OCD

Baffling how still in this day and age the Muslim ummah still is a level of jahilliya about Mental Disorders.

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On 4/22/2018 at 12:00 PM, rkazmi33 said:

People also need to understand that cleaning is considered an important house keeping skill. There are many women who are obsessed with cleaning, their behavior is almost like a disorder, but they are proud of their obsession. They get respect because of their behavior, and other women try to imitate them. While people with OCD deserve consideration, this behavior should not become a norm. I can easily understand why her mother gets upset. I can bet whenever she tries to clean her plate in front of her own family, her father probably criticizes her mother for not cleaning the plates properly. While people with other disorders are embarrassed and try to hide their disorders, people with OCD proudly talk about their obsession with cleaning. People think it's cute, and in desi culture, it's considered a good habit and especially women are encouraged to follow this behavior. While people with OCD deserve understanding from other people, they should also not make life difficult for others. 

I'm going to probably upset you but you really are talking a bunch of nonsense right now,  first you say the OP is ungrateful and then you spew this spiel? Please, your attitude is exactly what is wrong with Ummah and mental illness. You should stop before embarrassing yourself further, I am disgusted with you. The OP can't help it, it's a uncontrollable obsession that affects her quality of life.  Starving her and making her lose ten pounds in a week isn't going to fix OCD. It's mental illness, stop being ignorant.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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50 minutes ago, forte said:

Really disagree here.  This is not about mom.  Walking on eggshells around someone like that (Mom) to try and curb their behaviours toward you is not usually effective; in fact, it often encourages the very behaviour you want extinguished.   And, it is a big enough job to try to develop individual strategies to cope with OCD.   At this time, Mom is  a clear bonafide part of these OCD cycles, given, at the very least, her reaction to the OP and then the OP's consequent reaction to her mom.  To encourage (which is what "make her life easier" does) Mom's dysfunctional part of the OCD cycle can self defeat the OP's efforts to reduce the impact of this disorder on her own life.  Also, Mom threatening and refusing food is pathologically controlling.  Absolutely no need to soft peddle that. Keep it real.  It is best for the OP to recognize and acknowledge Mom's behaviour  for what it is as it relates to her (the OP), and then compartmentalize it.  The OP then needs to try and separate from Mom's behaviours (not engage them) and take care of her own symptoms (without this toxic punitive baggage) into the future.  

My post above was my response to a teenage girl's horrible situation. If she tries to make the situation better with her Mother, then her last few weeks or months at home will be less stressful. When a parent or guardian withholds food from a child, the next step is probably going to be physical punishment. Why should the OP make her homelife worse by doing or saying something that will cause her Mother to punish and harm her more? She should try to tolerate her Mother until she can get out of there. 

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15 minutes ago, Hameedeh said:

Why should the OP make her homelife worse by doing or saying something that will cause her Mother to punish and harm her more? She should try to tolerate her Mother until she can get out of there. 

The problem is that she suffers from OCD, something that is not her fault and her mother is starving her,. it's abuse. It's not a matter of tolerance but a matter of safety and well-being. I have no idea how old the sister is or where she lives but this is something that APS and CPS deal with everyday.  I respect you a lot but this is not the way to handle the situation, there is no excuse for her mother's behavior period.

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43 minutes ago, forte said:

My immediate thought was that the mom is going to manipulate her into staying.  The girl needs to take control of her life, and she needs to do it now.  She needs to recognize her mothers behaviour for what it is, understand that she is NOT responsible for it and view things in a much healthier environment.  When she is with her mother she has to create that environment for herself.  i think I echo a few posters in that we tend to minimize oft heard phrases that are passed around for fun.  However, OCD is a serious disorder.  

It is possible that at the last moment her Mother will stop her from leaving to go to university, so that is another reason why the OP should be careful about what she says and does around her Mom. Verbal abuse by a parent or guardian is very harmful to a child, but if the child provokes the abuser to get physically abusive, the situation will escalate. 

50 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

The problem is that she suffers from OCD, something that is not her fault and her mother is starving her,. it's abuse. It's not a matter of tolerance but a matter of safety and well-being. I have no idea how old the sister is or where she lives but this is something that APS and CPS deal with everyday.  I respect you a lot but this is not the way to handle the situation, there is no excuse for her mother's behavior period.

Thanks for respecting my opinion, Brother. Of course the Mother is at fault, but the OP (18 year old? girl) waited too long to involve APS and CPS. She has a plan to leave home and go to the university, so she should focus on her future, not on the past. Of course if something dangerous occurs before she leaves, she should get out of the home as soon as possible, and call the authorities only after escaping. 

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OP's living situation:

"Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel as though you are constantly trying to avoid confrontation?"

The quote on the first line above is some of what it is like to live with someone who demonstrates Borderline Personalty attributes (there are a few different 'flavours').  The more you give in, the more challenging their behaviour gets as you are emotionally bled dry and your own basic functioning becomes a sought after dream.  That is, their behaviours become increasingly controlling to the point where you doubt your own sanity and often develop your own acquired disorders. The person with BPD just spirals out of control and the person living with them who tries to "calm" them just gets sucked into their vortex. Not helpful for either party.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back 

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B004DNXGFQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1  An oldie but a goodie.

This is an easy to read, very straight forward lay person's book to and will really help with people who have to live with people who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and those who haven't been diagnosed but definitely could pass the smell test (talking about mom here) or partially share some of the symptoms.  It gives you guidance as to what to do. That is, how to view your situation, how to react to it and sometimes even what scripts to say if needed.  And it works.  It gives you the confidence and emotional "permission" to react to these controlling and attention seeking behaviours in a way that is most healthy for yourself and for your loved one. You can flip through the book and find the situation you are experiencing and it gives step by step guidance.  And no, I am not getting royalties!  

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2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

The problem is that she suffers from OCD, something that is not her fault and her mother is starving her,. it's abuse. It's not a matter of tolerance but a matter of safety and well-being. I have no idea how old the sister is or where she lives but this is something that APS and CPS deal with everyday.  I respect you a lot but this is not the way to handle the situation, there is no excuse for her mother's behavior period.

Brother, would you casually just call CPS to come save you from your mother? They may be a pain, and it may be more than just a little, but remember that this is the same woman who nurtured and cared for you while you were still a young baby. Our respect for them needs to always be attained, as @Hameedeh said.

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1 hour ago, Hameedeh said:

It is possible that at the last moment her Mother will stop her from leaving to go to university, so that is another reason why the OP should be careful about what she says and does around her Mom. Verbal abuse by a parent or guardian is very harmful to a child, but if the child provokes the abuser to get physically abusive, the situation will escalate. 

Thanks for respecting my opinion, Brother. Of course the Mother is at fault, but the OP (18 year old? girl) waited too long to involve APS and CPS. She has a plan to leave home and go to the university, so she should focus on her future, not on the past. Of course if something dangerous occurs before she leaves, she should get out of the home as soon as possible, and call the authorities only after escaping. 

She is perfectly qualified to receive help from APS (Adult protective services), or whatever the equivalent is the UK as an adult. She may not qualify for child protective services but it is wrong to assume that she waited too long It is anonymous and has a hotline of people more qualified to help  her than we can. Remember, she needs to contact authorities during  the  escape, not after the escape, if things go south. This isn't something she can wait out, her mother could definitely affect her ability to focus on her future As brother @forte said, she needs to control of the situation, most abusers  are not rational people. Being nice is just telling them: "Ok, you can all walk over me. I'm submissive and afraid of you"

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Judging from the OP's posts (even the ones last year), she does have very troublesome parents. 

No matter how much Islam promotes obidence to our parents, that doesn't in anyway imply tolerating abuse.

The OP should have a discussion with her parents about how they're affecting her mental and physical health. If her parents are not willing to change, then she needs to call authorities 

Parenting is a big responsibility and parents need to realize that.

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2 hours ago, Hussaini624 said:

Brother, would you casually just call CPS to come save you from your mother? They may be a pain, and it may be more than just a little, but remember that this is the same woman who nurtured and cared for you while you were still a young baby. Our respect for them needs to always be attained, as @Hameedeh said.

A mother is supposed to be a figure who gives us undying and unconditional love, annoy us every now and then and guide us to become better and stronger people in this life and the Afterlife. She is supposed to be empathetic and understanding, I don't see it in the OP's situation

Mothers do not or should not starve you or constantly yell at you for something you have no control over. (OCD)

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27 minutes ago, Hussaini624 said:

Our respect for them needs to always be attained

Yeah you're right but you have to define what respect really means. No one is telling the OP to start abusing her parents, cursing etc. Being Respectful doesn't mean to accept abuse and to not stand up for justice

This is about the OP's health and well being. Even if you see her posts from last year, her parents have mentally abused her. Parents have a special position in the Quran, but this doesn't mean that they are always perfect and like angels. 

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@forte Thank you for the book recommendation on BPD. However, we don't know her Mother and that lady could have PTSD or something else. Clearly, she is not treating her daughter properly.  

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58 minutes ago, Hameedeh said:

@forte Thank you for the book recommendation on BPD. However, we don't know her Mother and that lady could have PTSD or something else. Clearly, she is not treating her daughter properly.  

You are most welcome!

My apologies, perhaps I was not very clear as I wrote that very fast while working.

The strategies outlined in the book are to deal with symptoms of BPD or other disorders or issues that demonstrate similar presentations.  That would include a number of disorders including, as you mentioned, PTSD, as well as destructive mood disorder swings, etc.  They are kind, caring, and easy to implement.  These strategies are taught to family members who live with those who have mental health challenges.  They address the behaviours that significantly impact family members.  When one person in a family is afflicted, everyone is adversely affected.  Relationships suffer, communication can be non existent and abusive, controlling behaviours emerge out of desperation. The Walking on Eggshells book explains the individual behaviours and how to address them in clear easy to read terms.  In Canada, this is one publication that is frequently recommended to family members by community mental health teams because it is easy to implement. The information given helps to establish a healthier dynamic in the family, one from which the OP could greatly benefit. 

Edited by forte

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On 4/21/2018 at 3:00 PM, rkazmi33 said:

I have sympathy for your mom. You are obviously insulting her house keeping skills and you are being ungrateful. 10 pounds is not such a big weight loss and you can obviously get something from outside to eat. If your mom was really cruel, she would make you do all the work at home.

Are you kidding me? Mother is supposed to be forgiving and loving. She needs to understand that this person has OCD. There is nothing wrong with that. If she has miserable life it doesn't mean that she could treat her kids like this. 

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