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Potential Marriage Help

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Guest guest313131

As-salamu alaikum to all,

To keep this brief. I am in a permissible relationship (mutah) with a female (I am a male) who at the beginning I envisaged as being the perfect wife/potential wife for me. My outlook was based on her character, qualities and behavior which I am satisfied with. However the missing piece was her religious outlook/lack of, which plays a huge role for me and in my personal opinion overrides the prior qualities. I therefore decided to give this relationship an opportunity based on her character and what her religious outlook ideally could be in the future if it is worked on.

She is new to the religion and has been for a handful of months. We discussed the religious outlook such as prayer, fasting and other such issues such as khums and inheritance. She is willing to learn and try this out, however I feel the outlook she has is a bit stubborn/not so optimistic. To illustrate my point, for example in regards to prayer, she is willing to learn how to pray and do so with myself/when she has the time, however she doesn't regard it as important to do so while she is at work, she even expressed that she will not be waking up in the morning at all as she just doesn't want to. She also said that it can be worked on whether it takes her 5 years, or even 20 years down the line. At the end of the day it is her choice and whatever she does or doesn't is between her and Allah.

She wants to get married, settle down and have kids. Which I want as well however I wouldn't until I can see some results and can be satisfied that she has taken her obligations on board. I am possibly extreme in my view and thinking. Most would say that small steps are good and it will take time, better one step forward, than no steps at all. I agree and applaud that, however on the other hand given such an outlook of hers to have to begin with specifically in regards to prayer, when she doesn't take her relationship with Allah seriously, I feel like I can't take our relationship seriously either (maybe someone can address this thinking of mine). I myself may miss the morning prayer, due to forgetting to put an alarm on or something, although I wouldn't intentionally plan not to wake up. If I couldn't pray due to my work, I would rather find lower paid work whilst being able to pray than not.

At this stage I don't feel ready at all, it would feel as a gamble marrying her, and there is something within me that keeps sort of telling me to call it all off. I am not sure how to differentiate this between some sort of guidance or wiswas.

To sum it up I feel as if my love towards whoever it may be, especially on an intimate level such as marriage is conditional on their love/obedience to Allah.

I look forward to your replies.

Thanks.

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You said she is new to the religion. I am assuming this means she is a revert from some other religion. 

There are some things about the religion that are not easy or obvious from someone coming from another religion. Becoming muslim is a process that takes longer for some and a shorter time for others. There are two things you must consider if you want to stay in the relationship, long term

1) Do you have the patience to deal with these issues ? This is very important. I would say 95% of muslim men are not suitable as far as sabr and tolerance to be able to deal with this. It is difficult and at times agonizing to see someone, who is not a small child, do things that in his mind are only appropriate for a small child to do (miss prayer, not be concerned with prayer, make mistakes about fasting, sometimes not care about wajibat, etc) and this lady is an adult. Also, she may waver back and forth between new and old habits, opinions, and ideas. Some days you may think that she is the best mumina(InShahAllah) and the next day you may believe she is kafir, based on things she says or does. Most of these issues are because she is being pulled apart between two worlds and she hasn't fully decided which way to go. You have to be able to maintain sabr and aklaq, on good days and bad. It is a process, it doesn't happen overnight.  This is difficult, even with a women who was raised muslima, but with a revert, these 'swings' can be much more extreme and strange to you, so you have to be able to deal with that and this is no trivial task. Like I said, the vast majority of brothers, good mumin brothers,  are not able to deal with it. 

2) Is she making progress ? This is what you have to ask yourself. Not if she does all the wajib and never does any haram, but on a weekly or monthly basis, do you see her making progress in her deen. If she is doing haram, is she doing it less ? If she wasn't praying at all, is she at least doing some of the prayers ? Also is she honest and truthful with you. This is a big issue. Even if she does something wrong or doesn't do something that is wajib, is she being honest with you ? It sounds like she is, even if what she is saying is difficult to hear. Do you see the situation improving on her path to becoming muslima or is it going in the opposite direction. 

If you believe you have the patience to deal with this and if she is making progress, then I suggest to stay in the marriage for the long term. Otherwise, no. 

 

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1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

You said she is new to the religion. I am assuming this means she is a revert from some other religion. 

There are some things about the religion that are not easy or obvious from someone coming from another religion. Becoming muslim is a process that takes longer for some and a shorter time for others. There are two things you must consider if you want to stay in the relationship, long term

1) Do you have the patience to deal with these issues ? This is very important. I would say 95% of muslim men are not suitable as far as sabr and tolerance to be able to deal with this. It is difficult and at times agonizing to see someone, who is not a small child, do things that in his mind are only appropriate for a small child to do (miss prayer, not be concerned with prayer, make mistakes about fasting, sometimes not care about wajibat, etc) and this lady is an adult. Also, she may waver back and forth between new and old habits, opinions, and ideas. Some days you may think that she is the best mumina(InShahAllah) and the next day you may believe she is kafir, based on things she says or does. Most of these issues are because she is being pulled apart between two worlds and she hasn't fully decided which way to go. You have to be able to maintain sabr and aklaq, on good days and bad. It is a process, it doesn't happen overnight.  This is difficult, even with a women who was raised muslima, but with a revert, these 'swings' can be much more extreme and strange to you, so you have to be able to deal with that and this is no trivial task. Like I said, the vast majority of brothers, good mumin brothers,  are not able to deal with it. 

2) Is she making progress ? This is what you have to ask yourself. Not if she does all the wajib and never does any haram, but on a weekly or monthly basis, do you see her making progress in her deen. If she is doing haram, is she doing it less ? If she wasn't praying at all, is she at least doing some of the prayers ? Also is she honest and truthful with you. This is a big issue. Even if she does something wrong or doesn't do something that is wajib, is she being honest with you ? It sounds like she is, even if what she is saying is difficult to hear. Do you see the situation improving on her path to becoming muslima or is it going in the opposite direction. 

If you believe you have the patience to deal with this and if she is making progress, then I suggest to stay in the marriage for the long term. Otherwise, no. 

 

She is a convert/revert from no religion (agnostic).

Yeah I agree, I myself came from a culturally religious family and didn't practice until a later point, so I can relate to that to a small extent.

1) Absolutely true, this is exactly what I have been experiencing, which in turn causes great doubts to arises within me in regards to our relationship, at times it feels like I should just end it as it feels like a great and difficult task. Alhamdulillah I manage to deal with things patiently at this point and hold back my thoughts and emotions (the negative/judgmental), just ignore whatever may have been said as at this stage dismissing it she doesn't know any better (as a coping mechanism for myself).

2) At this stage there isn't much progress however this is due to a lack from my side.

@Abu Hadi Would it be ok if I was to private message you for some further opinions?

Thanks.

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18 minutes ago, Guest guest313131 said:

She is a convert/revert from no religion (agnostic).

Yeah I agree, I myself came from a culturally religious family and didn't practice until a later point, so I can relate to that to a small extent.

1) Absolutely true, this is exactly what I have been experiencing, which in turn causes great doubts to arises within me in regards to our relationship, at times it feels like I should just end it as it feels like a great and difficult task. Alhamdulillah I manage to deal with things patiently at this point and hold back my thoughts and emotions (the negative/judgmental), just ignore whatever may have been said as at this stage dismissing it she doesn't know any better (as a coping mechanism for myself).

2) At this stage there isn't much progress however this is due to a lack from my side.

@Abu Hadi Would it be ok if I was to private message you for some further opinions?

Thanks.

Salam. Yes, you can message me. There may be a slight delay in my reply. I am very busy at work these days. 

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26 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

lf you don't feel right about it and think it is a gamble, don't do it.

Marriage ain't 'easy'.

Yes I won't be getting permanently married at this stage on a hunch or what could be. However I do not think it is wise to end the relationship at this stage, as I feel I haven't given it my upmost best to try to give this a chance. Although then on the other hand I am torn between the other aspect of do I really have the capability as well as the sabr that the brother mentioned.

Thanks.

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It seems like you’re not a hundred percent willing to commit to her, so I suggest you cut her off now rather than later. 

You have to be 150% committed to the person and just as sure of the relationship. Marriage is not something you reluctantly try-out. Besides, there are plenty of sisters out there who have the potential to be suitable matches.

and it honestly sounds like you’re settling for a “meh” marriage/relationship, and that there may be tension brewing between the two of you. I know this because I have a particular non-Muslim (Christian) friend who was in a relationship with an agnostic, largely because she wanted to give him a chance and/or guide him. 

Obviously, it didn’t work-out and they broke-up at least twice before they ended it for good just recently.

Like your relationship, their love was largely conditional. 

There’s a Hadith in which is said to marry someone if you are pleased with the person’s character and religion. While you may love her character, perhaps in matters of religion, she may not be exactly compatible or what you’re looking for. No one can do wajiaats absolutely perfect with zero faults. All of us have missed a prayer or fallen short somewhere. We are imperfect beings in need of Allah. 

What matters however, is if we try to strive hard toward Allah. She doesn’t appear to be strong in the Deen yet. And due to this, her beliefs may go either way. She might become stronger in her faith, but she might not.

Regardless, you don’t seem entirely convinced this person is your soulmate/best friend/ideal partner. Intuivitely, we all know who is the best match for us when we find it. What matters is that you listen to what your gut is telling you. 

With marriage, and the right person, it’s more of a “when you know, you know.” feeling. When you’re with the right person, it feels different. You know this person is different. And no one can compare. (Even though you’re not on Cloud 9 all day, everyday.)

Have you done mutah before? I ask this because doing mutah with several women might shatter your confidence in your relationship descisions and abilities. Did you do mutah to get to know her better? I understand that you want to keep things halal, but mutah, at the end of the day, is a marriage and not a relationship test-drive or a “starter marriage.” 

If you don’t want to be permanently married in general now, I recommend not doing mutah at all.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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12 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

You said she is new to the religion. I am assuming this means she is a revert from some other religion. 

There are some things about the religion that are not easy or obvious from someone coming from another religion. Becoming muslim is a process that takes longer for some and a shorter time for others. There are two things you must consider if you want to stay in the relationship, long term

1) Do you have the patience to deal with these issues ? This is very important. I would say 95% of muslim men are not suitable as far as sabr and tolerance to be able to deal with this. It is difficult and at times agonizing to see someone, who is not a small child, do things that in his mind are only appropriate for a small child to do (miss prayer, not be concerned with prayer, make mistakes about fasting, sometimes not care about wajibat, etc) and this lady is an adult. Also, she may waver back and forth between new and old habits, opinions, and ideas. Some days you may think that she is the best mumina(InShahAllah) and the next day you may believe she is kafir, based on things she says or does. Most of these issues are because she is being pulled apart between two worlds and she hasn't fully decided which way to go. You have to be able to maintain sabr and aklaq, on good days and bad. It is a process, it doesn't happen overnight.  This is difficult, even with a women who was raised muslima, but with a revert, these 'swings' can be much more extreme and strange to you, so you have to be able to deal with that and this is no trivial task. Like I said, the vast majority of brothers, good mumin brothers,  are not able to deal with it. 

2) Is she making progress ? This is what you have to ask yourself. Not if she does all the wajib and never does any haram, but on a weekly or monthly basis, do you see her making progress in her deen. If she is doing haram, is she doing it less ? If she wasn't praying at all, is she at least doing some of the prayers ? Also is she honest and truthful with you. This is a big issue. Even if she does something wrong or doesn't do something that is wajib, is she being honest with you ? It sounds like she is, even if what she is saying is difficult to hear. Do you see the situation improving on her path to becoming muslima or is it going in the opposite direction. 

If you believe you have the patience to deal with this and if she is making progress, then I suggest to stay in the marriage for the long term. Otherwise, no. 

 

HI Hadi

I felt good reading your post, and agree too with your #1 &2 Paras. But I do not agree with your last word (NO) Many reasons for that. 

Its never a quick FIx, both Men and Women need to be so patient to let things fall in place and at such a right time that it'd get there forever and not conditional, because every single individual has different circumstances and conditions and very own mental set up.

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