My father makes me wish/pray to die

[Ani]

Alsalam Alaikum brother and sisters

My father married me to my cousin an abnormal person( but my father doesn't accept it) i have decided to divorce him but my father says that in order to save my dad's respect i should stay in nikah with him for 5 or 10 years.i am in my late 20s.and it is a very sad situation.

So i wanted to ask is it right for my father to ask this for me...i have refused him...but he wants to punish me ,my siblings and my mother because of my decision.

Is it right for my father to bound me like this ?to ask this for me ? It's not like i want to get married after i get the divorce...but doing it on my own or doing it forcely there is a huge difference.

And by Allah i assure you that there is no other male in my life.i took this decision because after nikah and after knowing my husband i lost my peace of mind, the sanity of my mind...i was miserable so i prayed to Allah to save me from him and Allah gave me enough strength to take this decision and be strong.these 7 months have been so hard .i break every day because my father doesn't want to do anything for me.

He is waiting for me to change my decision which i never will Inshallah.Because if i dont think about me no one will.

So my father now keeps saying that to save his respect infront of his family and friends he wants to keep going on like this ...and not telling anyone that i want to divorce and he told my aunt that she can marry my cousin to someone else till in nikah to me.

I could have agreed but this is wrong and if i stay firm and tell him that i will not go by his decision he will not let my elder sister get married..he says he is not our father anymore.he might even leave my mum.so it all comes on me.

So the only situation that can save my family and my dad's respect is if i die..i prayed to Allah to die...i told my dad to kill me...but nothing.it's an endless torture.

I was suffering when i hadn't taken the divorce decision...i was miserable so i decided that i should suffer and be miserable alone..i will not destroy another person's life.because i cannot take care of him and thats what they expected me to do.

I was contemplating suicide....tried to find a way to halal suicide but there is not.i am not thinking about suicide anymore so no worries.

i am only saving myself.he told me to not say anything about the divorce to my husband  because he might get more crazy...i don't talk to him...i dont do anything for him...but he keeps going on like everything is fine.i am in such a state that i can not even sleep.my head is heavy.i have been praying day and night to Allah by Sadka Ahle Bait A.S. to help me...and i know inside me that Allah will i just don't know when.

I don't know what to do.is my father's respect more important than my life ?

I told him that he should help me...he said No he can not.he is not strong enough. he can not leave his sister and nephew.he loves them dearly.more than his own family.there is the society culture..i don't understand any of these things.

He could easily tell everyone about his nephew's mental condition and make it a reason for divorce but he doesn't want to tell anybody.my family and his are the only one who know about his condition.they hid it in such way.

These 7 moths i have been keeping sabr..and it is very hard..i break everyday but keep praying to be strong.As Allah SWT says in Quran to seek help from Prayer and patience. I have been doing everything i can but nothing seems to change.

My aunty knows everything but they don't want their son to come back to Pakistan they want him to get settled in eu.and dad wants to help him do that.he says thats the only way he can save his respect.it could take 5 to 10 years and he wouldn't let me divorce him. And he aspects me to accept it because i need a roof and food.

Is it right ?

Is this what a girl is supposed to do ?

Don't i have the right to be happy ?

Or to have peace ?

Please guys pray for me... Pray that my father miraculously helps me and doesn't break my family.

I talked millions of time to my father ...cried .. touched his feet...he doesn't wanna help me.so there is nothing that i could say that he might change.

His respect is more important to him than his own daughter who has no ine else...but instead of helping me he has taken the responsibility of his nephew.

My head is always sore...maybe if i keep going on like this i will get a disease and die.there is nothing left for me in this world.i have only my siblings and my mother.but they will be fine after me...i know.Allah will take care of them.Inshallah

I am reading NahJul Balagha for the first time which gives me strength and patience and i know that this life is temporary.so i want to die and be over with it.

I exercised patience despite trouble in breathing -Hazrat Ali A.S.

P.S. there is no need to tell me to reconsider on my divorce decision because i have come a long way.i don't accept him as my husband.i asked Allah for forgiveness i know Allah doesn't like divorce...but Allah knows my situation.he knew my state of mind/heart.i don't have enough strength to be such person's wife.

-i am sorry to have written so much.thanks for reading

[rkazmi33]

@Ani I was stuck in exact same situation. I prayed for 2 years and then my prayers were answered and my ex husband decided to go back to Pakistan. But my family is still angry with me and they want me to get married again. I will recommend ziarat e Ashura. Also, if you can go for ziarat, it makes things better for few months. Be careful, don't have kids. If you have kids, you will be stuck forever. This is common tactic among desis. Whenever a marriage doesn't work, they tell the couple to wait or have kids. And when you have kids, they blackmail you emotionally saying you have to stay in the marriage for your kids. It's good that you don't have to talk to your husband or do anything for him. Is there a shelter for women in your country? If things get really bad, you can consider the option of going to Qum to study in Hawza. I don't know if anyone can force you there to get married. Hopefully not. There are many other sisters facing situations similar to you. Please don't think about suicide. Can you get prescriptions for anti-depressant or anti-anxiety? They really help. 

What about your mother and other siblings? What is their opinion about your situation. If you have any younger sisters, you can tell them that in few years, same thing will happen to them. Can you move out and live with your sister? 

[Ani]

@rkazmi33 thanks for replying. My siblings and mum support me with my decision. But there is nothing much i or they can do.we totally depend on our father.we don't even have study titles.nor he ever let us work.our family is very conservative. We are not supposed to speak infront of our father.we are not even allowed to go out of the house alone.i really really hope and pray that i don't have to go on like this for years.i have no strength.even if i take a stand i don't think i can survive because my father didn't let us be anyone.i am totally useless.he provides for us and now he keeps telling that he did everything for us and i can't do this to save his respect.

I won't have the kids problem because me and my so called husband have no relation.never had one...when only nikah is performed in my country and not rukhsati...u r not ur husbands property till parents don't send you to him.and the only thing my dad assured me is he will not force me to be with him.and he wants to make me wait for years because he thinks i will change my mind but i will not Inshallah. I will not be oppressed. Iwill take a stand inshallah and i can go to live at my brothers. But then my father will leave me forever and maybe even my mum and won't be doing anything for my siblings as well.so thats why i keep doing sabr...to save my family and my parents marriage/house. Some days i feel really fine but right know i am trying to hard to not think about it but i can not.i don't even want to get out of the bed.i am avoiding my father but i don't know how long can i keep doing it. 

Can you please tell me if there is a precise way to read Ziyara...at what time should i read it ?

[Ani]

@rkazmi33 And in the country i am they don't have islamic centers.the only help i can get if my father throws me out of the house is from some women foundation.but Who has no1 has Allah.And i know Allah will do whats best for me inshallah and not leave me hopeless or without support inshallah.

But you gave me hope that things will change inshallah.i just don't know when

[rkazmi33]

@Ani Ziarat e Ashura can be found on duas.org. For the last 2 parts, it says to repeat 100 times, you can just repeat 10 times. If your father says that you don't have to live with your husband, I think that's a good solution. But 5-10 years is a long time. I don't know what to tell you. I hope Allah will guide you in right direction. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

 

 

 

 

 

[Kirmani]

Assalaam Alaikum, I am very sorry for your situation, this situation is extremely tragic. Know the following please:

-Women have the absolute right to divorce their husbands for ANY reason, even if it's a blatant thing like they do not find their husbands attractive anymore (harsh but true). Yes divorce is a very detestable thing in Islam so much so that according to hadith the "Throne of Allah SWT shakes" but He has Given his creation that right and under very harsh circumstances there is no problem with it. What is his abnormality if I may ask? Is it some serious mental condition such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia? 

-No valid nikah can take place without the full consent of each participant, so if your father married you to him without your consent or hid the fact about his severe abnormality the nikah is invalid to begin with

-Where do you live? If you live in a western country your situation can be very easily solved as there are plenty of resources here. If you reside in Pakistan/India or wherever I understand your situation becomes more difficult and you may have to rely on your family members for help, if your father leaves you and the family dont worry, Allah SWT Will Provide, have faith in that. Do not prolong this misery if you don't want to, do NOT destroy your life like this, ou will never get this time back and you will always be full of regret.

-Reading Ziyarat Ashura for 40 days consecutively inshAllah solves any difficult problem (BELIEVE ME i have done it and experienced it numerous times) and ask Allah through the Ahle Bayt A.S and call on Imam e Zamana A.T.F.S to help you

-Please do not think of suicide, I know your situation is extremely tragic but believe me there are much worse circumstances out there, inshAllah you will get through this!

-Remember the Ayaats of the Quran "Allah Does Not Burden a soul beyond that it can bear" (2:286) and "So verily with  hardship there is ease. Verily with hardship there is ease" (94:5-6) notice that line is repeated twice as in it is being STRESSED to you to believe in that.

[Ani]

@Kirmani Salam, thank you very much for your reply. It is very reassuring. I live in europe but my father didn't let us girls stand on our feets (means we are not independent, we depend on our father for every little thing) we are living in a Eu country but as a very conservative family. 

They told me he had black magic done to him and Saya (evil spirits) before marriage but they said that he was cured before nikah.my father said he is on some medications because when the evil spirits left him they conditioned his mind a bit. And he will take time to heal. Some days after nikah i witnessed his attack for the first time.his eyes were different, his tone ,his body language  ...everything. it was an anger  attack. He started insulting his mum on the streets outside a mall.We were on a trip. His family was there with me and my  siblings but my parents were not present. And that night i started thinking what his mother and my father had done to me marrying me to him.i got scared that i will have to live with him for the rest of my life and take care of him. 

I never talked to him before nikah so i didn't know him. We started talking/chatting and thats how i got to know him.we are not compatible. He is very child like.according to his attacks he has symptoms of Schizophrenia and Mania, he is on medication which can not heal him.after searching on internet i learnt that all his attacks (that his mum and my father told me about that was black magic and evil spirits) were caused by his mental condition.but no1 believes me. he is very careful around my family. I overheard him talking to his mother. He was cursing my father insulting me and my family .. insulting our lifestyle. I was shocked. Because till that time i only thought him to  be mentally ill but he got out to be a double face person.Ande worst thing is that infront of everyone else he is a saint. He can not afford to commit a mistake so that some one might know his real self.i am scared of him.i start shaking everytime he is around.and the funny thing is he never told me about his condition. His mother did but she and my father told me that i have never to talk to him about it because he doesn't want me to know.and they do everything to keep him at peace and no one cares about me.till now his mother knows that i want the divorce , all his family knows,they live in PK and he is living in our house and have hidden everything from him because his mother thinks that his condition will get worse...and even don't say anything to him that might make his condition worse. But i dont pity him either.i just don't wanna have anything to do with him. and he is such a person that he doesn't care if i don't even talk to him.the situation is really messed up.i don't know what will happen but inshallah inshallah Allah will resolve everything.i will take a stand for myself and leave my father, may Allah give me enough strength. Because the mental torture i am going through is all because of him. Because he doesn't wanna help me. He could make everything all right but he doesn't want to.

And as per if i was forced to get married to him no...i was ready. I agreed because when my father told me about the proposal i said no but he said i will not force you. But i can not assure you that i can find someone else for you. You will have to wait 10 or more years. So i agreed even knowing that he was under evil spirits.because i was not okay at my father's house. Andmy father confirmed it for me that doesn't matter how long i wait i will have to marry him at the end. So i had no option but to accept. But i never accepted him as my husband. They said nikah is magic it creates a special  place in the heart for your life partner but it didn't in my case. If i loved him i could have accepted him even with his condition but all the problem is in that i don't like him at all. He disgusts me. May Allah forgive me for using such harsh words but thats my situation.i am sorry for such long answer.

Thank you very much

[Ani]

On 4/17/2018 at 3:04 AM, rkazmi33 said:

@Ani you get prescriptions for anti-depressant or anti-anxiety? They really help. 

 

My father wanted to take me to the doctor for confirmation that i have gone crazy to prove that the divorce decision i have taken is not taken by myself but rather by my madness.i refused it. Because i have anxiety. But he doesn't understand it. They don't know what is depression and anxiety.i can not even go to the doctor without my father.so there is no chance that i will give him this satisfaction. He still doesn't wanna accept my decision.Is there a chance that i might get the medicines without the doctor's consultation ? The farmacy is right next to our house but i dont think i should take any kind of medicines without doctors permission.

[Ani]

  @rkazmi33 @Kirmani thanks to both of you for suggesting Ziyarah Of Ashura. I have started reading it. It gives me peace.

[rkazmi33]

@Ani I am sorry I couldn't reply earlier. When I wanted to get a divorce, I had to fight a lot. And sometimes when I was fighting, I was also threatened that I will be sent to mental hospital or even get arrested by police. But nothing happened. I am not sure how it is in Europe, in US, you cannot get medications without prescription. My doctor only asked me couple of questions. I told her that i feel very tired and I have anxiety and she wrote the prescription for me. It will really help you if you can go to ziarat. Ask your father that if you don't want me to get divorce, then send me for ziarat. Can you work for someone from your community and earn some money for ziarat trip? Also, if you can keep fasts and say night prayers. These are two things which are very good for getting your prayers answered. Good Luck! May Allah solve your problem. Ameen. 

[Ani]

1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

@Ani It will really help you if you can go to ziarat. Ask your father that if you don't want me to get divorce, then send me for ziarat. Can you work for someone from your community and earn some money for ziarat trip?  

My family is Sunni. And my father is one of those Sunnis who inherited his religion..he is not learning it. So there is no chance for me to go for Ziyarat.My mother and i have the desire to go there and one day we will inshallah but my father will not let us or take us.But they say even if you are not able to go there they listen to my prayers and supplications from far away.i have to hold tight. thank you very much for your words.

what my father is asking of me is wrong even in islam so i have decided to stand against him..i don't care about consequence.He can kill me if he wants to. But i will not be oppressed anymore with his wrong decisions.i am trying to collect the strength and face him whenever he will speak to me.i need to be courageous.

[rkazmi33]

@Ani Please don't lose hope. Remember dua is the weapon of a believer. If you cannot go to ziarat, is it possible for you to go for Umra? Since your father acknowledges that your husband has a problem, use this fact to get some benefit. 

You can also try to read Nad e Ali. You can find it on google. Also there's one verse from Quran: 27:62. Amaeen yujeebul muztar aa    Iza yakshe fussoo. It's considered very Mujarrab. You can do its vird all the time. It's the month of Shabaan. Fasting in this month has a lot of sawab and I heard that  just before doing aftar, your prayers at that time get accepted instantly. 

[Ani]

@rkazmi33 i will pray what you advised me to.i am already reading Nade Ali and fasting as well.

As for going for Umra there is not much i can do either.my father is the only bread earner in the family and we have big family Mashallah so asking him something like this can seem selfish as even my parents have never been able to go for Umra.

My father knows that my husband is not fine but he doesn't care.he only cares for his respect.He wants me to spend all my life with him.thats what hurts the most.

Anyway thank you for everything.

[Kirmani]

22 hours ago, Ani said:

@Kirmani Salam, thank you very much for your reply. It is very reassuring. I live in europe but my father didn't let us girls stand on our feets (means we are not independent, we depend on our father for every little thing) we are living in a Eu country but as a very conservative family. 

They told me he had black magic done to him and Saya (evil spirits) before marriage but they said that he was cured before nikah.my father said he is on some medications because when the evil spirits left him they conditioned his mind a bit. And he will take time to heal. Some days after nikah i witnessed his attack for the first time.his eyes were different, his tone ,his body language  ...everything. it was an anger  attack. He started insulting his mum on the streets outside a mall.We were on a trip. His family was there with me and my  siblings but my parents were not present. And that night i started thinking what his mother and my father had done to me marrying me to him.i got scared that i will have to live with him for the rest of my life and take care of him. 

I never talked to him before nikah so i didn't know him. We started talking/chatting and thats how i got to know him.we are not compatible. He is very child like.according to his attacks he has symptoms of Schizophrenia and Mania, he is on medication which can not heal him.after searching on internet i learnt that all his attacks (that his mum and my father told me about that was black magic and evil spirits) were caused by his mental condition.but no1 believes me. he is very careful around my family. I overheard him talking to his mother. He was cursing my father insulting me and my family .. insulting our lifestyle. I was shocked. Because till that time i only thought him to  be mentally ill but he got out to be a double face person.Ande worst thing is that infront of everyone else he is a saint. He can not afford to commit a mistake so that some one might know his real self.i am scared of him.i start shaking everytime he is around.and the funny thing is he never told me about his condition. His mother did but she and my father told me that i have never to talk to him about it because he doesn't want me to know.and they do everything to keep him at peace and no one cares about me.till now his mother knows that i want the divorce , all his family knows,they live in PK and he is living in our house and have hidden everything from him because his mother thinks that his condition will get worse...and even don't say anything to him that might make his condition worse. But i dont pity him either.i just don't wanna have anything to do with him. and he is such a person that he doesn't care if i don't even talk to him.the situation is really messed up.i don't know what will happen but inshallah inshallah Allah will resolve everything.i will take a stand for myself and leave my father, may Allah give me enough strength. Because the mental torture i am going through is all because of him. Because he doesn't wanna help me. He could make everything all right but he doesn't want to.

And as per if i was forced to get married to him no...i was ready. I agreed because when my father told me about the proposal i said no but he said i will not force you. But i can not assure you that i can find someone else for you. You will have to wait 10 or more years. So i agreed even knowing that he was under evil spirits.because i was not okay at my father's house. Andmy father confirmed it for me that doesn't matter how long i wait i will have to marry him at the end. So i had no option but to accept. But i never accepted him as my husband. They said nikah is magic it creates a special  place in the heart for your life partner but it didn't in my case. If i loved him i could have accepted him even with his condition but all the problem is in that i don't like him at all. He disgusts me. May Allah forgive me for using such harsh words but thats my situation.i am sorry for such long answer.

Thank you very much

Very sad and sorry to hear all this. Yes duas and ziyarat is VERY important and you should complete those as described above but at the same time you need to take steps on your own. If what you describe is real then there is a real chance that your life is in danger (schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are very serious conditions, they are very treatable as well but only with the utmost psychiatric and psychological care, I've known people who have gone through similar conditions that's why). You should also know that it is a huge sin for someone to break up a marriage or come in between a husband and wife and that is why I am also very cautious about what I want to say and input, but if you know truly well what is in your heart and the outlook of your future with or without him it is up to you and i'm sure that you will make the right choice. If he seeks the appropriate medical care all is possible but then you need to press him and his family on it. If you know that is not an option anymore then just know that because you are in the EU, I am pretty sure there are plenty of resources available to you such as the police and women's protective services (we have very good resources here in canada to help in such cases, I am pretty sure most EU countries do as well if you tell them your life is in danger and you have no financial support or whatever etc). 

It's good to know that your father did not force you but the emotional blackmail (which is very common in our societies) is not cool at all i.e when he said "I cannot assure you i will find someone else, you'll have to wait 10 more yrs". I am very sorry to say but this is extreme bs that pisses me off when parents do this and end up destroying their kids lives, it's almost just as bad. there are more than 1.5 billion muslims and over 350 million shias in the world and you're telling me you cant find someone for your child for 10 yrs?

And again don't lose heart because your nikah didnt work out as per the good things you heard about it such as "creates a special place in heart etc". Remember that some of of the most Beloved creation to Allah SWT (such as Prophets and Imams A.S) went through difficult trials with their spouses such as Prophet Lut, Nuh A.S (both of whose wives betrayed them and died as kuffar according to Quran) and our beloved Prophet Muhammad S.A.W with Aisha and Hafsa, and Imam Hasan A.S and Imam Muhammad Taqi A.S etc. In all these accounts there is a lesson for all of us that if all these superior and more beloved beings went through all kinds of trials (such as wealth, health, and some through their marriages) then who are we not to experience difficulties as well, again remember the Ayaats quoted above about difficulties and ease and know that InshAllah things will get better. But yes take action now!

[Hamodiii]

I hate fathers like that. They are arrogant, I really despise them, Inshallah things turn to normal.

Cause remember that Allah loves the patient, and indeed Imam Mahdi is indeed waiting for us.

Hope this experience does not change you as a person.

Recommending to you to talk to Imam mahdi or the imam or the member of ahlulbayt you are close to, just like you talk to us.

Surely, they have a god-given knowledge that we normal people will never achieve, and through them you can reach Allah.

May Allah bless you.

Edited April 20, 2018 by Hamodiii

[Ani]

@Kirmani thank you very much.I am just waiting for my dad to talk to me about the issue again and then i will tell him that i can not do what he is asking of me. And i know he will say that i don't care about his respect..how i am killing him etc... 

I will see how he treats me afterwards and then take the step inshallah.

Thank you again for your advice and words.May Allah give you good reward.

I am very distressed so every little word of comfort counts a lot for me.

And just for clarifying my family is Sunni.I have chosen my own way.And As Imam Ali A.S. said do not inherit your religion, learn it. So thats what i am doing.And in this difficult time of my life i have only Allah and Ahlul Bait A.S. who are helping me go on.i would have been lost otherwise.Even my own father has abandoned me so.I know Allah is testing me and i am doing all i can to keep patience.

W.Salam

[Ashvazdanghe]

10 hours ago, Ani said:

And just for clarifying my family is Sunni.I have chosen my own way.And As Imam Ali A.S. said do not inherit your religion, learn it. So thats what i am doing.And in this difficult time of my life i have only Allah and Ahlul Bait A.S. who are helping me go on.i would have been lost otherwise.Even my own father has abandoned me so.I know Allah is testing me and i am doing all i can to keep patience.

 

Salam Everything That happens to you even your parents abounded you but you act to them with high respect.

[Ani]

3 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam Everything That happens to you even your parents abounded you but you act to them with high respect.

And respect would mean accepting his oppression and not standing up against his decision ? Thats where i am unsure. He provides for me..but its like he is bribing me to keep me in this ruined marriage for the sake of his sister and nephew.

I am in my late 20s. I can not keep going on like i am a baby.because thats how my father treats me.i don't think i have it in me anymore. I will go crazy if i have to go on like this.

[Ashvazdanghe]

2 hours ago, Ani said:

And respect would mean accepting his oppression and not standing up against his decision ? Thats where i am unsure. He provides for me..but its like he is bribing me to keep me in this ruined marriage for the sake of his sister and nephew.

I am in my late 20s. I can not keep going on like i am a baby.because thats how my father treats me.i don't think i have it in me anymore. I will go crazy if i have to go on like this.

Salam , I mean that you follow true way but speak & react to them with respect but never forgot  your right.

[nothing=everything]

i will pray for you sister may Allah guide you in your path may he open his gates of mercy on you surely Allah is the best guider and most merciful dont worry if you dont get what you want in this life which is surely to end, you will be rewarded for your patience and obedience.