istikhara and divorce

[Almuslimah]

Salam aleikum! I need advice here. Firstly I want to say sorry for writing maybe little bit wrong some words, english is not my native language.

So here it goes. I am married alhamdulillah for 6 months now. My husband is mashAllah practising muslim. He fullfills his duties as husband fully (provides food, home, money and intimacy etc..) We dont have any children or pregnancy yet since we have been married only for about 6 months. So it is just the two of us living together. Both our families are faraway.

For the last one month I have not been feeling happy with him. I even sometimes feel quilty for not feeling happy with him since he is practising muslim and provides me money and all that. But all this unhappiness of mine started about month ago. We had fight that time. Now its good time to say that i have been married before him one time. So our fight was about this that my husband found in my phone contacts my ex husbands phone number. I have not been in any contact with him or anything but I just had forgotten to remove his number from my phone.

I told my husband that I just forgot to delete it. I really dont use phone so much to call anyone, I use it more for internet exploring and facebook. Very rarely I call or message anyone in “normal” phone number, I rather use facebook messenger. So thats why I forgot to delete ex husbands number. I told this to my husband but our fight only got bigger.

Then I panicked. I really had panic attack and started to cry and hyperventilate. I couldnt breathe. My husband saw this and I told him I cant breath and I want to go in front of our door in our yard (where nobody can see or come) to calm and have some fresh air. My husband didnt let me go. He carried me to bedroom and pushed me to bed. I tried again to get up but he didnt let me. He sat on top of me and started to strangle me. All this time I was crying and hyperventilating and couldnt breath.  I ended up holding Quran in my hands end swearing that I had nothing to do with my ex husband. Then I ran to toilet and locked the room. I just wanted to be alone.That night I didnt want to sleep with my husband in same bed. He went to sleep in salon and i slept in our bedroom.

About two weeks after that I started to make istikhara about our marriage, should I divorce or what. I made it for two days. Then I stopped. Again about week after that I saw a dream. In that dream I got married to someone else. In dream I even met his family and we went to hajj with him as married couple. I even remember his full name in that dream. In reality i dont know anyone by that name, nor does my husband. I told my husband about that dream. He didnt say anything but that he also doesnt know anyone by that name.

In dream I was so happy and full of joy. I was so sad to wake up from it and see that I was sleeping next to my (real current) husband. Could that dream be answer to my istikhara? I know that I am not happy with my husband at all. I am not over that event that we had with him when i had panic attack. After that I dont see my husband the same way anymore. Now I see him as really bad person and I hate to have intimacy with him. I dont like him to touch me but still I met him since its my duty as his wife to be availeble to him when he wants. I hate it all and I dont enjoy it. I sleep with him, i Cook and clean for him. I beautify myself for him. I am housewife for him. I even stopped working since he doesnt want me to work.

All that kissing and sleeping with him is disgusting to me and I only do it because it is my duty.

Now I had again few nights ago dream. In that dream I was escaping prison. Gould that mean anything?

So please, advice me. What should I do? is that dream of mine answer to my istikhara to divorce my husband? I am always so scared that I fall pregnant for him because then it would be much harder to leave. I feel very bad and I even think my husband deserves a wife who really loves him, same way as he loves me. I just dont love him anymore.  I really have trauma of our event and that changed everything I had towards him.

I want to leave but it will be hard. I have talked about all this with him but he doesnt understand. He tells me that he will never give me divorce, even if I just left.

Everytime i try to talk about this my trauma he just tries to quite me down by kissing me and holding me. He doesnt understand that by doing this i only feel more bad and want to run far from him. I need help and advice. I so badly want to leave but I am scared of Allah and my husband to do that. I am really desperate here.

[notme]

None of us were there when you and your husband had the big fight, but it is possible that he didn't want you to go outside because he was afraid a neighbor would see and it would damage your and his reputation, but if the violence was as you describe, it is inexcusable. 

It's always better to try to repair your marriage than to get divorced too easily, but if you fear for your safety it might be necessary to separate from him for a time, until he has learned to control his temper. 

It seems, from what you describe, he is nonverbally trying to be apologetic and make things right with you. 

[Ron_Burgundy]

5 hours ago, Almuslimah said:

Salam aleikum! I need advice here. Firstly I want to say sorry for writing maybe little bit wrong some words, english is not my native language.....................

Salam Sister, 

I think you need to relax and think about your marriage again. Think about all the positive things in your life. Let me ask you few questions;

Why did you marry him?

What did you like about him before this fight?

Trust me all couples fight, but it doesn't mean that he that your spouse is a bad person. As notme said he could be stopping you from going outside so nobody could see you. I would recommend you to have a baby. Babies do make marriage strong. 

Also, this is your part of story and i cannot suggest you to get divorce because i haven't heard his part of the story.

Here is a good read.

The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

Adapted By Saleem Bhimji From the Article Found on www.soundvision.com

More Muslim marriages in North are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to the scholars in North America who are having to cope with the increase in marital disputes and divorce cases.

The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are the time that the couple spends getting to know one another better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities. Below, are some of the main problems couples face in the early years, and some possible solutions.

1. Lack of Proper Information before Marriage

A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families go not discuss crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:

• Whether or not the wife will work outside the home?

• Will the couple wait to have children?

• Which city and country will the couple live in after marriage?

• Will they live with his parents or have their own house or apartment?

These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.

2. Who's In Charge?

One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings. Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise. While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean that he can run the family life like a dictator. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى instructs in the Quran that:

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنْفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ ۚ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ ۚ

"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made 
some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded…"(Surah 4, Verse 34)

It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility and deal with all of those under his care and protection with justice and equality.

A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by listening to and consulting with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (S) and the Ahlul Bait (as). So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources (and of course the Religious Scholars in our local community), instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.

Not only is it the duty of the head of the house to make sure that the material needs of the family and order are kept, but it is also his duty to protect himself and his family from the fire of hell:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُونَ

"O' you who have true faith! Save yourselves and your families from the fire which is fueled by people and stones and is guarded by stern angels who do not disobey Allah's سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى commands and do whatever they are ordered to do." (Surah 66, Verse 6)

Therefore, the head of the house must make sure that he has the proper Islamic knowledge to keep himself away from the hell and more importantly, guide his wife and children to the straight path and keep them on this road. In this regards, the husband has four important duties:

1. To invite his wife and children and any others under his care to obey Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى. The husband should call his family to follow the religion and encourage them in this regard.

2. Teach those under his care their religious duties and obligations ñ of course this means that the husband must first and foremost know his own religion and beliefs. If he is not well acquainted with his religion, then he must employ the services of the local Masjid and the scholars and either invite them to his house or go to the Masjid for Islamic classes.

3. Encourage the family members to perform good deeds (Amr bil Maruf), as not only is this one of the obligatory acts in our religion, but it will also help the family both in the short term and long term. If they know their responsibilities and are continuously guided to them, then peace, harmony and tranquility will rule throughout the house.

4. The father must also make sure and remind other members of his family to stay away from evil and sin (Nahi Anil Munkar). Again, this is a part of our beliefs and without doubt, that home in which people are not plagued with committing sins and evil acts is one in which Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى looks favourable upon and blesses the inhabitants of it.

3. The Divorce Option

Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in a marriage.

It should be remembered that out of all of the things that Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى has made halal (permissible), divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure. The Prophet of Islam (S) has told us that:

ما خَلَقَ اللهُ شَيْئاً عَلى وَجْهِ الأَرْضِ أَحَبَّ مِنَ الْعَتاقِ وَلا خَلَقَ شَيْئاً عَلى وَجْهِ الأَرْضِ أَبْغَضَ مِنَ الطَّلاقِ.

"Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى has not created on the face of this Earth anything more beloved by Him than freeing a slave, and He has not created anything on the face of this Earth more despised than divorce."

The couple should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders and Scholars who will try to help them resolve their differences. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى tells us in the Quran that:

وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِنْ أَهْلِهَا إِنْ يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا

"If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if they desire reconciliation, then choose arbiters from the families of both sides. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى will bring them together; Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى is All-Knowing and All-Aware." (Surah 4, Verse 35)

Generally, the couple needs to make a sincere and concerted effort to try and work things out before divorce is even considered.

4. Sexual Problems

It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.

In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.

In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective (the book Marriage and Morals in Islam, by Hujjatul Islam as-Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi is one such valuable resource). They both need to know what is halal (permissible) and what is haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem and that too one must get it from the right person.

On a similar note, it is important for both the husband and the wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive for each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene or their looks in general.

The universal teachings of Islam also instructs the husband and wife to maintain cleanliness and beauty for the spouse. The Prophet of Islam (S) has commanded us that:

إِنّ اللهَ جَمِيلٌ يُحِبُّ الْجَمالِ وَيُحِبُّ أَنْ يُرى أَثَرَ النِّعْمَةِ عَلى عَبْدِهِ.

"Certainly Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى is Beauty and He (only) loves beauty and He loves to see the effects of (His) blessings and bounties on His servants." (Al-Kafi, Volume 6, Page 438)

The Prophet (S) has also told us that:

إِغْسِلُوا ثِيابَكُمْ وَخُذُوا مِنْ شُعُورِكُمْ وَاسْتاكُوْا وَتَزَيَّنٍوا وَتَنَظَّفُوا فَإِنّ بَنِي إِسْرائِيلَ لَمْ يَكُونُوا يَفْعَلُونَ ذلِكَ فَزَنَتْ نِسائُهُمْ.

"Wash your clothes and trim the excess hair on your bodies and brush your teeth and beautify yourselves and keep yourselves clean, since certainly the Children of Israil never did these things and thus, their women committed adultery." (Nahj al-Fusahah, Page 72)

We quote one final hadith on the importance of keeping clean and looking nice for one's spouse where the Prophet (S) has been described as:

كَانَ رَسُولُ اللهِ يُنْفِقُ فِي الطِّيبِ أَكْثَرَ مِمّا يُنْفِقُ فِي الطّعامِ

"The Messenger of Allah (S) used to spend more money on perfumes, than he used to spend on food." (Wasail ash-Shia, Volume 1, Page 443)

Thus, both the husband and wife must take the time out of their schedules to maintain proper hygiene, to look nice for one another and other such things related to their physical appearance. Our beloved Prophet (S) has recommended husband and wife both to do these things.

5. In-Laws

The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple, rather, it is one of getting used to in-laws as well.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include avoiding: sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and instead, making a special effort to respect each other as a family.

More importantly too, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. Therefore, wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters and similarly, husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, and so on.

In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or phoning regularly if distance makes it difficult to get together.

We should remember that many times in the Quran, we have been ordered to maintain our family ties and relationships and one of the greatest sins in Islam is to sever ties with family members. However at the same time, the husband and wife must maintain a balance between the time they spend with parents/in-laws and with themselves:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنْكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ ۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

"Surely Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى commands (people) to maintain justice, kindness, and proper relations with their relatives. He forbids them to commit indecency, sin, and rebellion and (Allah) gives you advice so that perhaps you will take heed."
(Surah 16, Verse 90)

In another verse of the Quran, Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى instructs us as such:

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ اتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وَاحِدَةٍ وَخَلَقَ مِنْهَا زَوْجَهَا وَبَثَّ مِنْهُمَا رِجَالًا كَثِيرًا وَنِسَاءً ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلَيْكُمْ رَقِيبًا

"O' Mankind! Have fear of your Lord who has created you from a single soul. From it He created your spouse and through them He populated the land with many men and women. Have fear of the One by whose Name you swear to settle your differences and have respect for the wombs that bore you. Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى certainly keeps watch over you."(Surah 4, Verse 1)

6. Realism

Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after. This is the plot of many Hollywood movies, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.

Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human, however all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all and since we ourselves are not perfect, how can we expect that form someone else?

7. Making a Schedule and Establishing Rituals

Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but that is not true. It allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It is especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other, during a fast-paced week of work and studies.

Some rituals couples can establish may include:

• Praying at least one prayer together.

• Performing the recommended supplications such as Dua-e-Kumayl, Dua-e-Tawassul, Dua-e-Nudbah, etc... together.

• Attending a study circle together once a week.

• Deciding on a weekly menu.

• Having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning.

• Setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done.

• Setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house.

• Setting a time to discuss finances and a budget.

• Making a phone call to your spouse during the day.

• Deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents.

By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same house with separate lives.

8. Marriage as a Restriction

Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and come home around 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m. if not earlier!

While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, children, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.

9. Friends and Islamic Activities

Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life. But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends - either hanging out with them or being on the phone - means time lost with one's spouse.

Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.

Some possible solutions to the friend dilemma could be:

• Working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately.

• Developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses (but keeping in mind the separation of the sexes).

• Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Islamic discussions as they did before marriage. 


Not so.

Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes one away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due, but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.

10. In Relation to Secrets

A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially those related to sexual matters, and thus expose their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable - but it is un-Islamic as well.

Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart. The Holy Quran tells us that:

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَهُنَّ

"They (your wives) are a clothing (covering) for you and you too are a clothing for them."
(Surah 2, Verse 187)

The functions of clothing are numerous, however one of them is to cover any defects or faults a person may have on his or her body and thus, the husband and wife must act, just as the Quran commands us, as "clothing" for one another, meaning a cover.

11. Finances

How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc.? These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.

To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget and stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in a marriage.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with them, and treating them with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.

12. Giving Each Other Space

A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other on hand and foot.

Wives may initially take over all the household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.

The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space, yet at the same time, being there for one another. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close both physically and emotionally.

قالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلّمَ): مَنْ تَزَوَّجَ أَحْرَزَ نَصْفَ دِيَنِهِ

The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "He who marries has safeguarded half of his religion."

https://www.al-islam.org/religion-al-islam-and-marriage/first-two-years-marriage-survival-guide

Edited April 13, 2018 by Hameedeh
[Mod Note: Mods can reduce the size of excessively large fonts to a standard size of 14.]

[Almuslimah]

Thank you for your reply so far! I know its kinda tricky to read ones dreams, but what do you think about those dreams I told? The one with me marrying another and escaping from prison? Also in dream I escaped two times from prison. I have been again making istikhara, so could those dreams have been my answers? I feel now even more bad with my husband being intimate and close to me. After those dreams I have been feeling more like I should get divorced. I cant be comfortable at home with him. Its like i cant relax and i am all the time ready to run.

[notme]

@Almuslimah I really doubt anyone here is going to advise you to divorce based on the information you've given. Perhaps you should talk with a local and trustworthy maulana. 

Dreams are usually just dreams. 

[Soldiers and Saffron]

Most couples go thru a lot of fights in the first year of marriage, it takes time to settle in and get used to each other. They say most divorces happen in the first year of marriage and in the first years after child birth.

I do not agree with how your husband dealt with the situation after he found your ex husbands number in your phone but I would also have been very upset, I think any man would have been. Did he apologize after all of that went down?

Anyways, I would not rely on dreams like that to form my life and my decisions.

As far as I have understood it you were very happy with him and with the marriage up until the fight you guys had. I dont think it is impossible for you guys to go back to being happy again if you both tried to. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? That you are still hurt from that argument?

[layman]

Salam,

Now that you understood that your husband redline, make efforts so you don't cross it even unintentionally.  All information about your ex-husband must be thrown out, burned or erased.

Your husband has not disregard his obligations to you.  But, you have because you believe in your dreams.  

Save your marriage by trusting and obeying your husband.  Perform your duties and move on.

If you can't, then your marriage is over because of dreams that cannot be verified  in term of reliability. 

No husband want a wife with fake actions.  Return to the pledge that you made during nikah.  And Your husband said "he accepted you pledge with amount of dowry given".  Remember, Allah swt is the Witness.

If things still not solve...get both family involved.  And be fair.

Layman.

 

[Ani]

Walekum Alsalam.

In the Quran Allah keeps repeating for reconciliation.

Allah hates the Divorce.

Do Not Rely on your dreams. Don't be sure that you are gonna find the person you saw in your dream and marry him....But Allah knows better.

If you want to take a decision you have to to be sure about it.Be sure to not repent later.

Are you financially independent ?

Think about everything.

Tell to your husband how he disgusts you maybe he can help.

Is there anything... Anything that he can do that might change your heart ?

Ask Allah for help...pray to Allah to do whats best for you by Sadka Ahlebait.

If he is the best person for you then May Allah change your heart and if you are not supposed to love him back or accept him than may Allah help you.

But you know what you are going through.We Don't.No One Does.

And if you feel like you are not gonna change than take a stand for yourself.

If you feel that this way of feeling might lead you astray and you can sin or you can not keep Allah's boundaries than you should be quick in taking a decision.

Divorce is not Haram.It is permitted but you must have solid reason. A fight is not one.

Neither you should accept if your husband tortures you or makes you suffer.

And if you have decided that you do not wanna live with him then please do not wait for children to be involved.

Talk to your husband.Tell him everything.Tell him how you feel and see his reaction.If he is feeling guilty then give him a second chance having patience and if he treats you badly then do what you see best but please talk to your parents,friends and relatives.May be they can advice you better.And thinkabout everything before taking the decision.

Patience would be my advice but it is indeed very hard to keep sabr.

Have faith.

Ask Allah for Help.

May Allah Help you.Ameen #Inshallah

[Turabali25]

Shatan is decieving u in dream dont believe the dream.Dream is right of the pious person only we are sinfull people as u know Allah talah doesnt like divorce in halal acts so please love ur husband by ur heart u shoould know deeply about his qualities because every person contain quality of God.

[Turabali25]

And consult psychologist lady she will guide u

[Almuslimah]

Thank you guys! 

My husband knows that I am still hurt about our fight. I have told him how I feel about his behaviour and that I am not looking him as same way as before fight. I didnt tell him that after fight I havent been enjoying having intimacy with him. Everytime I talk to him he seems like belittleling the fact that I feel bad. He seems to be sorry (as he is trying to show by his actions that he is) and he has apologized. 

I am very happy that I have received so many good answers mashAllah. Maybe just sometimes one needs little help from outside to understand better whats going on inside. I mean, I have been so sad and tired and soo involved in this that I havent really been able to think clearly. 

I know that divorce is not haram but its disliked by Allah. Because of Allah I am still here at home trying. I am financially independent and we live in west. So by those means it would have been easy to leave. I have been trying very hard to move on. I have been praying that Allah would quide me. Because of that I thought that those dreams had something to do with my istikhara. 

Its not like i was planning to really meet that man from my dream. I just thought it was a sign that my husband wasnt meant for me. But then again I keep on thinking if he wasnt, then why Allah allowed as to get married? 

I feel really guilty about not being able to answer him back when he tells me he loves me. Also I feel guilty for not enjoying being intimate with him. I have been just doing all things since they are my duty as his wife and because I am scared of Allah. 

I feel guilty because I know that he deserves to be really loved back. He is islamicly good person and he has kept his duties to me. By writing this post things really start to open for me. It has been so hard to just think about all this alone. It made me confused. But writing and talking about it to others has really helped me to clear my head. 

I will try more even its already hard. He is good man but he made mistake that time. I am also to blame. In the end I dont have any acceptable reason to even divorce him. 

I know all couples fight. This was just so big fight and my husband didnt handle it very well. But maybe he also feels bad and he repents about that violence. I want to go back to that time when we were happy. I really do. So I will keep on trying.

[Hameedeh]

The best thing to do is to communicate with your husband. If you can block your ex-husband's number on your phone, please do that and tell your husband that you blocked the number. He would be relieved. 

[Ani]

@Almuslimah you are so strong. Don't feel guilty because Love is never forced. I admire you.Allah will surely help you.You are doing the best you can.You could leave easily and not bother to even think about it but you chose to fight with your inner self... because you are a good woman. A good Muslim. So don't be hard on yourself.Live life as it comes.Women can make or break homes it's all on you.Take care of yourself.

[Islandsandmirrors]

Strangling someone is inexcusable behavior. He needs to learn how to control his temper. Honestly, I have never heard of anyone who strangles his spouse after a number on her phone. It’s not normal.

however, I will say that now I’m recently married, I wouldn’t recommend divorce so easily. (Marriage is something truly binding and feels different than being in a relationship.) But rather, couple’s counseling. Sadness and anger toward your husband, if you don’t try to get help, will result in more fights and resentment might build-up. Try to allow open communication with your spouse. 

[Akbar673]

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

english is not my native language.

Where are you from?

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

I am married alhamdulillah for 6 months now.

How long did you know him before you married him?

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

For the last one month I have not been feeling happy with him. I even sometimes feel quilty for not feeling happy with him since he is practising muslim and provides me money and all that. But all this unhappiness of mine started about month ago. We had fight that time. Now its good time to say that i have been married before him one time. So our fight was about this that my husband found in my phone contacts my ex husbands phone number. I have not been in any contact with him or anything but I just had forgotten to remove his number from my phone.

While something like this may seem petty to you, you have to understand that your husband is not comfortable with the fact that you were married previously. Call it insecurity or immaturity or cultural but the bottom line is that he is not comfortable with you having been married previously.

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

Then I panicked. I really had panic attack and started to cry and hyperventilate. I couldnt breathe. My husband saw this and I told him I cant breath and I want to go in front of our door in our yard (where nobody can see or come) to calm and have some fresh air. My husband didnt let me go. He carried me to bedroom and pushed me to bed. I tried again to get up but he didnt let me. He sat on top of me and started to strangle me. All this time I was crying and hyperventilating and couldnt breath.  I ended up holding Quran in my hands end swearing that I had nothing to do with my ex husband. Then I ran to toilet and locked the room. I just wanted to be alone.That night I didnt want to sleep with my husband in same bed. He went to sleep in salon and i slept in our bedroom.

He's got underlying psychological issues. His parents probably had a bad marriage is my guess. However, that being said his behavior is inexcusable. To climb on top of you and attempt to choke you means he enters a state of anger in which he can not control himself. Google "Intermittent Explosive Disorder" and you'll know what I'm talking about. This doesn't go away. He'll act like this with you and he'll act like this with your children eventually also. 

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

About two weeks after that I started to make istikhara about our marriage, should I divorce or what. I made it for two days. Then I stopped.

what did the Istikhara come as ?

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

Again about week after that I saw a dream. In that dream I got married to someone else. In dream I even met his family and we went to hajj with him as married couple. I even remember his full name in that dream. In reality i dont know anyone by that name, nor does my husband.

YOur dreams are just manifestations of your inner emotions. Its just a release of what your mind is feeling. Means nothing else. Clearly, since you were wanting to leave him because of what he did this presented itself in a dream (that probable just made you more emotional)

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

I told my husband about that dream.

You would have been better off not telling him this. All you did was add more fuel to the fire. He's already insecure and upset. No need to make it worse.

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

Now I had again few nights ago dream. In that dream I was escaping prison. Gould that mean anything?

Like I said above the dreams are just your mind releasing suppressed emotions. What it means is that you think of your marriage as a prison and you want to escape away from it.

On 4/13/2018 at 12:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

I want to leave but it will be hard. I have talked about all this with him but he doesnt understand. He tells me that he will never give me divorce, even if I just left.

Not a good sign. Sounds like he's going to give you an extremely hard time if you try to divorce him. Not sure where you live but you might want to consider what legal options your country allows as well as talking to a Maulana and explain the situation.

My advice to you is to understand the type of person that you married. Analyze and study him to understand what makes him emotional and what calms him down. After that you need to actively watch what you say and do around him to avoid him from getting into that state. He's tried to try to strangle you already and he will do it again. These types of men always do. 

He will give you hell if and when you to try to divorce him so be prepared for that also. Best of luck to you. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

On 4/13/2018 at 1:35 PM, Almuslimah said:

He sat on top of me and started to strangle me. All this time I was crying and hyperventilating and couldnt breath.  I ended up holding Quran in my hands end swearing that I had nothing to do with my ex husband. Then I ran to toilet and locked the room. I just wanted to be alone.That night I didnt want to sleep with my husband in same bed. He went to sleep in salon and i slept in our bedroom.

If you live in the USA, know that your husband committed a crime by sitting on top of you and strangling you. That could be considered sexual  battery and no human being deserves this behavior, you are blessed to not have kids at this moment, think long and hard about this: He strangled and attacked you, you held the Quran and swore that you  did not have relations. What if he attacks you again, the Quran didn't deter him from hitting and strangling you. What will you do then?  How many violent outbursts will you endure or "tolerate" until you lose your life. The man is obviously untrustworthy and unpredictable, you don't need an istikhara to see that this is clearly an serious issue.  The marriage is already unsafe, sister. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

On 4/13/2018 at 10:02 PM, Turabali25 said:

Shatan is decieving u in dream dont believe the dream.Dream is right of the pious person only we are sinfull people as u know Allah talah doesnt like divorce in halal acts so please love ur husband by ur heart u shoould know deeply about his qualities because every person contain quality of God.

What terrible advice, if this was your sister,mother or daughter. you would be deeply upset to know that they were in this situation with their husband. Divorce is a legit option in this situation.

[Almuslimah]

19 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Where are you from?

How long did you know him before you married him?

While something like this may seem petty to you, you have to understand that your husband is not comfortable with the fact that you were married previously. Call it insecurity or immaturity or cultural but the bottom line is that he is not comfortable with you having been married previously.

He's got underlying psychological issues. His parents probably had a bad marriage is my guess. However, that being said his behavior is inexcusable. To climb on top of you and attempt to choke you means he enters a state of anger in which he can not control himself. Google "Intermittent Explosive Disorder" and you'll know what I'm talking about. This doesn't go away. He'll act like this with you and he'll act like this with your children eventually also. 

what did the Istikhara come as ?

YOur dreams are just manifestations of your inner emotions. Its just a release of what your mind is feeling. Means nothing else. Clearly, since you were wanting to leave him because of what he did this presented itself in a dream (that probable just made you more emotional)

You would have been better off not telling him this. All you did was add more fuel to the fire. He's already insecure and upset. No need to make it worse.

Like I said above the dreams are just your mind releasing suppressed emotions. What it means is that you think of your marriage as a prison and you want to escape away from it.

Not a good sign. Sounds like he's going to give you an extremely hard time if you try to divorce him. Not sure where you live but you might want to consider what legal options your country allows as well as talking to a Maulana and explain the situation.

My advice to you is to understand the type of person that you married. Analyze and study him to understand what makes him emotional and what calms him down. After that you need to actively watch what you say and do around him to avoid him from getting into that state. He's tried to try to strangle you already and he will do it again. These types of men always do. 

He will give you hell if and when you to try to divorce him so be prepared for that also. Best of luck to you. 

Im from Europe. Muslims in general are very small minority here and shia muslims are rare here. We dont have even one mosque here in our country. Just small prayer rooms without proper sheikhs and alims. 

Yes I made istikhara. But Im not sure about answer. After making istikhara those dreams came to me. But it might be that those came from my own mind as you wrote. Also couple days ago I heard that its not for me okay to even make istikhara about marriage since im already married to him. So dead end here again. 

I have asked from my husband divorce. He wont give it. He knows my reasons why I asked it. He again told me that I can leave him and go where ever I want but never he will give me divorce. So islamicly there is no chance for me to get khula since he wont give it and there is no Sheikh or Alim in our country to interfere and give me khula. 

I am worried about future. What if he really does something like this again? What if next time there would be our possible children also involved? Majority of people that have adviced me are telling me to stay with him.  I have contacted Sistani about my situation, but yet no answer. 

I feel so insecure about being married to him and also about leaving. In other hand I dont have valid reason by islam to leave him, but then again I have? But how would it be islamicly possible for me to leave since he wont give me divorce? We are not married here officially accordig to our countrys laws, just islamicly. So in general it would be easy to leave. But as being his wife in islam I cant just leave and be like im not married anymore, cant I? So what to do.. I really dont know.

[Ani]

@Almuslimah i hope there won't be a next time but if he does it again, hurt you in any way or strangle you you just call the authorities of the country you are living in. and talk to him about divorce, if he wants to blackmail you, you can do that as well.scare him about the police. Stay strong because in Europe if you report him it's gonna be over for him.and if he starts giving you death threats then you won't even have a reason to live with him or believe him to be your husband.i don't know how does Khula work but if he hurts you again or your life is in danger then that's gonna be a solid reason. That obviously if you have done nothing wrong as you state.So you are on the right.If you apply for khula and even if he doesn't want to divore you but the court orders him to do so he will be obliged to comply isn't it right ? You should contact a lawyer of the country you were married in. Because he can guide you. You won't even need to go back to that country you will have to appoint someone, give a power of attorney. But obviously do all this if you are still scared of your husband and he still gets angry at you being totally innocent.but you say that he feels guilty and if he is an intelligent man he shouldn't repeat anything he did before if he wants to keep you.

 

 

 

[Almuslimah]

2 hours ago, Ani said:

don't know how does Khula work but if he hurts you again or your life is in danger then that's gonna be a solid reason. That obviously if you have done nothing wrong as you state.So you are on the right.If you apply for khula and even if he doesn't want to divore you but the court orders him to do so he will be obliged to comply isn't it right ? You should contact a lawyer of the country you were married in. Because he can guide you. You won't even need to go back to that country you will have to appoint someone, give a power of attorney.

Thanks for advice. The thing is just that we got married here in europe just by ourselfs. I mean there wasnt any Sheikh or anyone present at the time (since there are no masjids here). We read the marriage formula with him by ourselfs since it was ok according to Sistani. So officially we arent married in anywhere. 

Im not comfortable with him. I still cant say him I love him. I am giving him his rights over me in intimacy but my heart is not in that. I dont want to be close to him. I do all this fisabilillah. But Im not happy. I dont think I can ever be like normal wife to him. I know there isnt such thing as cinderella story in real life but I am sure Allah would also like me to feel happy, secure and safe in life. Im in my early twenties now, I feel bad about thinking that i must waste my life like this not being happy and being scared of having children with my husband. 

All I wanted was to have a family. But now its like little by little, every day I find out something new bad thing about my husband. Yesterday he told me that he used to steal clothes from shops astagfirullah. I was surprised. I know we have all our own sins and im not perfect either but still I was so surprised by his confession.

I feel like i am every day losing myself little by little. 

Edited April 17, 2018 by Heavenly_Silk
Removed inappropriate and personal detail.

[Islandsandmirrors]

You not being married anywhere (legally recognized within the country you live.) is very bad news. Red flag.

sounds like you did mutah. And since you’re not legally registered as husband and wife, I suggest you leave now before it’s too late.

[Ani]

@Almuslimah at this point there are only two things you can do. Have patience and pray for your heart to change and you start loving your husband again and keep waiting.

Or you can take a stand for yourself trusting Allah that he will do whats best for you and not make you ever regret.

Do Not compromise on your happiness. You only know what is more important to you. No1 deserves to live a unhappy life. Men will never understand.i know how hard it is for a woman to be with a man she doesn't love.and Everytime you have to be with him you will hate him even more ..and he will disgust you more and more...thats bad for him as for yourself. so..if you are sure that your situation won't change do not wait...

03:159 Allah in Quran says -when you have taken a decision put your trust in Allah ...- 

Don't you even have a Marriage Certificate ? 

[Almuslimah]

1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

You not being married anywhere (legally recognized within the country you live.) is very bad news. Red flag.

sounds like you did mutah. And since you’re not legally registered as husband and wife, I suggest you leave now before it’s too late.

No no, its not mutah. We just dont have any change to get married officially yet anywhere because of his lack of id/passport but he has been in contact with his family to get id from his homecountry. He is in this country as asulym seeker. Its like refugee. I myself have nationality of this country. This is what we did with him (marriage formula that we used ): ""2377. If a woman and a man themselves want to recite the formula of permanent marriage, the woman should first say: Zawwajtuka nafsi 'alas sidaqil ma'lum (i.e. I have made myself your wife on the agreed mahr), and then the man should immediately respond thus: Qabiltut tazwij (i.e. I accept the marriage). In this way, the marriage contract will be in order."" (https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2345/) 

[Almuslimah]

52 minutes ago, Ani said:

@Almuslimah at this point there are only two things you can do. Have patience and pray for your heart to change and you start loving your husband again and keep waiting.

Or you can take a stand for yourself trusting Allah that he will do whats best for you and not make you ever regret.

Do Not compromise on your happiness. You only know what is more important to you. No1 deserves to live a unhappy life. Men will never understand.i know how hard it is for a woman to be with a man she doesn't love.and Everytime you have to be with him you will hate him even more ..and he will disgust you more and more...thats bad for him as for yourself. so..if you are sure that your situation won't change do not wait...

03:159 Allah in Quran says -when you have taken a decision put your trust in Allah ...- 

Don't you even have a Marriage Certificate ? 

Thank you so much for understanding. 

No, I dont have any certificate. 

So how about then if i would choose to leave? I cant just leave with niyya of divorcing him, can I? Its hard to get divorced since we arent officially married and there is no Sheikh or alim or even mosque at our country and because he is not going to give me divorce. How about if I just leave him and leave for him my mahr? Would that count as divorce then islamicly?

[Ani]

@Almuslimah are you sure your husband didn't trap you in this love marriage to get documents of the eu country you are living into ? 

[Ani]

1 hour ago, Almuslimah said:

How about if I just leave him and leave for him my mahr? Would that count as divorce then islamicly?

I don't know the Sastani system.But you got married following those rules.so it would be better if you followed the Sastani rules to get the divorce as well.according to what you said..you just repeated some verses to accept each other as husband and wife. It was more of an internal accord/acceptance, right ?

were there witnesses present ? Are you sure your marriage in islam is valid ? Did you get married just reading that net page of that Sastani website ? Or did you get more informed on this before getting married ? 

So you pronounced these verses and started living together as husband and wife, right ? You didn't even register your marriage nor did you sign a marriage contract.

I think, but this is just me that your marriage way wasn't right. Thats why all these problems are occuring. But Allah knows better.

(Sorry for my english, it's not my native language)

And the last note..don't loose hope,stay strong and have faith. You are an independent woman he can not keep you in this marriage forcibly.things will change.You will live a happy life Inshallah.the divorce might take some time but you will get it at the end if you decide to take it with Allah's help.

And if the only way to get the divorce from him will be that he must pronounce it himself then try to negotiate with him in some way.

[Almuslimah]

7 hours ago, Ani said:

@Almuslimah are you sure your husband didn't trap you in this love marriage to get documents of the eu country you are living into ? 

Allah only knows his intentions, my own guess is no, its not about residence permit/documents. 

Because I think if it was all just because of that, he wouldnt use violence and be so angry or controlling. If he wanted just documents wouldnt he try to be nice and sweet with me and not make anything that upsets me and makes me think of divorce until his residence permit comes? And also I think he wouldnt have introduce me to his family if that would be his niyya. 

Also in this country if he takes residence permit because of marriage to citizen and then after that divorces, he will lose residence permit if couple didnt have children.

[Almuslimah]

On 4/17/2018 at 7:24 PM, Ani said:

internal accord/acceptance, right ?

Yes.

On 4/17/2018 at 7:24 PM, Ani said:

were there witnesses present ? Are you sure your marriage in islam is valid ? Did you get married just reading that net page of that Sastani website ? Or did you get more informed on this before getting married ?

There was one witness present. I am sure its valid, also according to Sistani (https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2346/)

Also we made our marriage public,we announced it to  all family and friends. I mean everyone knows we are married.

I am sure Ayatollah Sistani wouldnt have made that fatwa without knowledge and proof from Islam. So no, we didnt get info from other place. It was hard to get married here because of lack of mosque and Sheikh, so we did it like Sistani allowed. 

[Ani]

@Almuslimah 

Try to contact them.The ones managing the website.Email them or if they have a phone number call them.explain your situation.But i don't think you need to tell them everything.Because i am sure they will tell you to keep suffering.

You take your decision and then contact them if you go for the Divorce.And ask them for the procedure.and i keep repeating be strong.When a woman takes a stand for herself, for her happiness she can't afford to look weak.May Allah and Ahlul Bait A.S. help you.Ameen

[MJ786110]

Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.  

I am so sorry to hear about your predicament.  If I were you, I would seek professional marriage counseling first before thinking about divorce.....

[MJ786110]

On 4/13/2018 at 10:02 PM, Turabali25 said:

Shatan is decieving u in dream dont believe the dream.Dream is right of the pious person only we are sinfull people as u know Allah talah doesnt like divorce in halal acts so please love ur husband by ur heart u shoould know deeply about his qualities because every person contain quality of God.