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zamf31

marriage and spouse search USA/Canada

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Salam Alaykum brothers/sisters,

 

I am a single father in my late 30's, indo/pak background, hindi/urdu speaking, and i m trying to get remarried and looking for single mothers similar to me in Canada/USA. I live myself with my kids in Canada. I have two questions if anyone have ever been through this before me: 

1- Would you recommend getting married outside north america and sponsor your spouse from India, Pakistan.... UAE or other countries in the world? My concern are .... cultural difference with America...close mindedness, long waiting time and application to sponsor, .. mainly compatibility with my upbringing I am very open-minded Canadian and raised here but same time balanced with my desi culture and religion.. i m not sure if i will be able to share my life and relate to a person from another part of the world rather than USA/Canada.. what been your experience? I ma getting sometimes proposal from UAE or UK...but too long to call them here...Second, the education...the degrees done in other parts of the world such as indo-pak are not recognized here...and my spouse will struggle and i need someone to support me as a team and not someone who wouldnt be able to work professionally like me here...meaning if degree not equivalent it means basically she has no degree here....and she has to work odd jobs.. and financially supporting as two people in decent jobs is a must here especially in blended family..

2- How do i find someone like me? my mosque doesnt have a good matrimonial service especially for divorced single mothers... it seems there arent as many.. which i doubt..plus.. i have tried all matrimonial website, shia site, muslims, phone apps, and have contacted randomly people in usa and canada.. i feel ashamed doing this like a desperate job seeker.!! I dont get time to go to social like when i was young life is busy i am older and have kids responsibilities everyday...people knowing each other may help each other but i dont have lot of friends...and my family is useless in this matter very ignorant and not skilled....Anybody knows how they have managed to get married a second time and find single shia mothers ? I am tired of all this.. now...too complicated..and wont find someone compatible.. and we have lot of muslims in our countries.. i may as well as end up marrying a decent good sunni..

I really dont know how to find a spouse in usa and canada and spouse of indian/pak citizenship worry me due to all the sponsorship and distance.. and cultural unknown to me...back home vs my mindset and culture here...

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Salam and welcome to shiachat.

Moderator Note:  I must inform you that shiachat is not a matchmaking website, and it is not allowed to solicit marriage on the forums.  (You didn't, I'm just giving notice for in case you decide to later.  Don't.) You can discuss marriage in general, and matchmaking/spouse finding related issues, but do not share personal information.  Remember that people on the internet may or may not be who they claim to be.  The internet is a great way to meet people in a halal way, but always practice caution.  

We have ads for matrimonial sites.  I recommend you try one or more of those.

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This is my own note, not a moderator note.  I met my husband on a non-Muslim matchmaking site. They have many filters and are more high-tech than the Muslim ones that I know of.  I, personally, recommend that if you do choose to look online for a suitable spouse, don't rule out general population matchmaking sites.  As I "officially" said above though, be skeptical of everything.  

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no worries i wont post anything not appropriate..Thank you Not Me....for your note about this...Yes, I understand your experience... I have been doing the same too...I have tried various Shia and non muslim matchmaking websites...and no results for spouses IN North America... Shiamatch (everybody from outside the country, very few interesting in North America), ... Shaadi.com (majority are sunni muslim, others non-muslim and many not serious to go ahead)... trying different apps such muzmatch, minder, dil mil, etc.. I always find muslims who are sunni..younger crowd... tried offline..they dont have any people like me to match in my city..i dont have much social circle then where do i go.. wait 2-3 years before finding someone? What other general population sites would you recommend.... are you talking about those like e-harmony and match.com? is your husband a shia? I may go for a sunni but their practices seem to be so different...

 these general matchmaking sites... all require exorbitant fees for a database of few handful people.... most people know lot of folks outside in india pak to get married but nobody in north america.... and those who know are very picky and dont want to marry someone with kids... it is a very complicated world ..

Do you have a separate thread where people have shared their experience marrying someone from pakistan and the whole sponsorship nightmare and their adjustment to our western life ... as i receive rishtas from there but am scared to go through that route as i have a mindset and upbringing from here..

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Thanks Not Me..... i get it...well.. not being able to find anyone here is making me desperate and i am feeling like exploring prospects women from back home like Pakistan or dubai etc.. but i dont know how to find out if they would be compatible with me here and my thoughts..how do I know if we are compatible? 

I never wanted to go through sponsorship,... newcomer struggle where i have to support my spouse and them not able to work in their field due to lack of recognition of our government of their degrees...them not able to relate to the western culture here.. Etc.. but i cant find anyone here or USA... even an american needs to be sponsored either way with waiting time etc..

I was recently told about a pakistani women living in Dubai... education done back home but working in a common out of field job in Dubai for few years.. i am not at ease but i liked the prospect's picture and description...but i nver wanted to go through more struggles...as feel long distance relationship.. and they have different life and difficulty when they come here

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3 hours ago, zamf31 said:

i am not at ease but i liked the prospect's picture and description...

There is someone I know in the US who met a girl through mutual friends and they talked by phone and communicated by messenger. He talked to her parents on the phone and they regularly communicated with him by messenger and email. When he went oversees to get married, he met her and her parents in the airport, and he understood for the first time that the photos she sent him were outdated. She was a few years older and weighed much more than her younger photos. He was too shy to call off the wedding. She came to the US and they lived together several years but eventually they divorced. If the person will trick you by sending photos that are not accurate, you can imagine that there will be problems in the marriage, especially being untruthful or even devious. As soon as she came to the US he bought her a computer and she set up Skype to talk to her parents every day, but she did not Skype with him before the wedding. Be careful about marrying someone just because of their photo.   

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Hameedeh... sad story... that is what scares me about abroad..but same goes for USA Canada etc.. as soon as you are in different cities.. one can get tricked by pics and all......so no difference be it oceans aw in india or next door in Canada or USA.. but true.. i heard that the girl is interested in talking to me our pics are recent (as i was told in the last 3 months) and definitely I will skype with her before ever flying oceans away to meet her in Dubai!!! my current concern is just figuring out for myself besides liking her physically from the pic, am i comfortable that she is from the east with her own set of challenges about her education....credentials from there....working in our fast paced world here....her  experience.. culture all different .. newcomers challenges.. than here and future struggles and adjustment for me and her if she comes here.. or i compromise and just skip it and continue looking in America side until i find someone i am attracted to and have the other requirements too... though choice...but first thing first i need to chat/talk to her first to see if we think the same and have the same needs.

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On 4/10/2018 at 1:49 PM, notme said:

@zamf31 he's Shia and at that time was a recent convert from Christianity. I am also a convert, but a while back. The site was OKCupid. I took advantage of their questions and answers and ruled out, in addition to non-Muslim, anyone who was too far away or who was determined by their algorithm to be not very compatible. I almost didn't talk with my husband because he was located almost 2 hours away, but the site said he was 98% compatible so I had to take a chance.

I'm older also and had children from my first marriage before I was Muslim. I also never had any success by traditional methods or Muslim matchmaking sites, though I know people who have. You have to find the right balance between setting your criteria and keeping your options open. Don't settle for someone you know isn't compatible due to loneliness. 

Duas for your success. 

This!!! 

I’ve heard good things come out of OkCupid. I met my husband on a psychology forum. (Personalitycafe.) obviously, not a dating app or website, but it was an easy way to get to know each other. While he was born and raised primarily in the US, we were long distance until recently and he lived halfway around the world. 

Meeting people from the ‘net is awesome. 

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@notme @Islandsandmirrors Hi Not me, and Islands Mirrors.. nice to know... i am also with kids...and they are not going anywhere... she is also with one kid but half way across in UAE... trying to get to know each other and our compatibility through net....giving it a try.. but very scared due to my past divorce i dont want get hurt or hurt someone...i m getting fears and anxiety... on top of it.. i m an extrovert and she is an introvert.. so that is freaking me out.. what if we dont get along due to this difference and cant enjoy? i verbally express love and affection.. she says she is not that lovey dovey and is quiet type ...doenst express so much verbally... and she is a loner and like her silence sometimes.. she doesnt share her sad feelings as she has been betrayed in the past big time... and i am very open talks a lot... i have a worrying personality.. and i tend to get attached easily when i start to get to know someone..... i dont want to go through another break up due to personality diff. my ex was introvert too but she was able to express when she felt over love....and i could see emotions in her...

Edited by ShiaChat Mod
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@zamf31 Hi 

 

After reading all your posts , your story is of no difference from any other indo/pak migrated people to western countries and then divorces and re-marriage issues. 

You cant get a girl you looking for with all your requirements, you need to put down one or the other expectations. Since you yourself is a father of 2 kids ( as you mentioned) , it'd also be hard for other party to accept you as you are and that would eventually let you and other person to bring down many desired criteria...

With regards to odd or white collar jobs, being in western country , It doesnt matter whether you have a degree or not, Your local experience (worked or working in similar or close to same position ) matters, along with refrences. Being of desi background i Know and see many desis in my day to day life who hold weighty degrees but of no profit to them, as they find odd jobs being high paid or of convinienece , Even a Doctor from overseas cant straight away start practising his profession in Western World. 

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Hey Human First...thanks for your input ... but what do you mean all my requirements? i dont have unreasonable requirements that should be sacrificed...  an attractive spouse, not wanting more kids, working and financially supporting spouse,  a desi and a loving affective spouse, thats not asked too much these are common needs here in the west for a partner .. just because i am divorced doesn't mean i wont have the same needs as others...

i know.. i am expecting the person will do some type of work related tot heir previous field or something decent lets say i can compromise on that requirement. Right now my fear is, what if we have such different personalities...or that she doesnt express emotions, affections and is not lovey dovey like she says, i cannot live like that, i am a person who have these emotional needs and therefore the reason to find a partner with me. Plus, this long distance communication is getting to me, not able to relate, my workday i cant chat and its their evening, my evening is their sleeping, my almost sleeping is her working so she cant chat, how do you build a relationship and find out if we like each other compatible personality by just talking in a weekend or just chatting? it has been 2 weeks chatting on off and no phone call yet.. or video chat..  just wassap chat..she very busy and time difference is getting to me... i cant feel a connection yet or chemistry..

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15th shaaban mabruk to all of you.

just an update guys.. the person from middle east said it was bothering her the fact that i have 3 kids and hers she has 1 kid and that overall in the west if she comes here she would have to manage a family of 4 kids, plus work, plus find time for the couple... challenging something to think about for her as she doesn't want to fail....and also the time difference between here and there and her and my job schedule, is making impossible to find the time to talk or chat... otherwise plenty of our values were matching and  all of my requirements were meeting..

now i dont know where would i find in North America, another girl like her few years younger than me, attractive, willing to work and support financially the family, having 1 child, affectionate and smart with good eastern and western values. lol 

 

so tired of searching and putting myself out there.. for my special status (divorce with kdis) i need a break.. people look at it so negatively.. divorced.. old.. bald.. kids.. etc.. such a shameful community..

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3 hours ago, zamf31 said:

so tired of searching and putting myself out there.. for my special status (divorce with kdis) i need a break.. people look at it so negatively.. divorced.. old.. bald.. kids.. etc.. such a shameful community..

I got there too, and decided it was easier and good enough to just be alone. Then, on a whim, I signed up for just one more matchmaking website and met my husband. Hang in there, you'll be alright.

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On 4/28/2018 at 3:58 AM, zamf31 said:

Hey Human First...thanks for your input ... but what do you mean all my requirements? i dont have unreasonable requirements that should be sacrificed...  an attractive spouse, not wanting more kids, working and financially supporting spouse,  a desi and a loving affective spouse, thats not asked too much these are common needs here in the west for a partner .. just because i am divorced doesn't mean i wont have the same needs as others...

i know.. i am expecting the person will do some type of work related tot heir previous field or something decent lets say i can compromise on that requirement. Right now my fear is, what if we have such different personalities...or that she doesnt express emotions, affections and is not lovey dovey like she says, i cannot live like that, i am a person who have these emotional needs and therefore the reason to find a partner with me. Plus, this long distance communication is getting to me, not able to relate, my workday i cant chat and its their evening, my evening is their sleeping, my almost sleeping is her working so she cant chat, how do you build a relationship and find out if we like each other compatible personality by just talking in a weekend or just chatting? it has been 2 weeks chatting on off and no phone call yet.. or video chat..  just wassap chat..she very busy and time difference is getting to me... i cant feel a connection yet or chemistry..

All i can say is- All the Best. :)

 

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10 hours ago, zamf31 said:

15th shaaban mabruk to all of you.

 

so tired of searching and putting myself out there.. for my special status (divorce with kdis) i need a break.. people look at it so negatively.. divorced.. old.. bald.. kids.. etc.. such a shameful community..

Mubarak to you too. 

Nothing will make your community change, so you should not be bothered about their perspectives , best thing is to IGNORE them completely, Dont let them talk about your tragic life (as they think it is), 

 

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thanks.. yes .. i m learning to either ignore them or correct them bluntly how certain things about me is not desirable while in a different light.. those same things could be seen by the right person as extremely valuable :)  btw, i m happy witht hat Dubai girl it didnt work out.. she was having second doubt about too many kids in the blended family.... and we coudlnt communicate due to work schedule and different time zones...although I liked her a lot and  she was very pretty :(  ... would ahve been nice for a bald guy like me....

. lets continue the impossible search in North America

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