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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest hj1

Resentment towards my mother

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Guest hj1

I resent my mother for numerous reasons but in reality I know I just need to get over it. My only coping mechanism I use in defense of the distress she puts me through is to ignore her. I want to have a good relationship with her but any conversation we have leads to her screaming and yelling. 

Edited by Haji 2003

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5 hours ago, Guest hj1 said:

I resent my mother for numerous reasons but in reality I know I just need to get over it. My only coping mechanism I use in defense of the distress she puts me through is to ignore her. I want to have a good relationship with her but any conversation we have leads to her screaming and yelling. 

Welcome to ShiaChat. I'm sorry that you and your Mother are having a problem. Maybe she yells because you ignored her. When someone ignores us we start to talk louder. It's kind of natural to think if I talk louder the person will answer me. It might be that she really wants to yell at someone else but she can't. You need to communicate with each other. How long has it been since you hugged her? How long has it been since she hugged you? Talk kindly to your Mother and find out if she is upset with someone else. Get along and try to help each other. 

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Salam, I have also a very bad relationship with my parents and this makes me sad. Just as you say, the result is a mutual indifference. I'm 44 years old so not a girl and I don't live with them anymore, still I didn't find a way to handle this situation. Nothing special happened between us, I can't say they are angry or worried or that they disapprove me. I feel they don't understand me and this from a very long time, since when I was a child, maybe 10 years old. They are not muslims and don't like the fact I am, but they didn't oppose to that - even because I revert about 30 so it would have been ridicolous. Sadly I know it isn't easy to go there talking kindly and it's very hard to give them a hug, almost impossible. I don't write here to give you an advice but because I would like to get one me too. What can we do? We have to pray for this specific thing, askying god to make it easier to open our hearts to them again. Then I think we have to start from ourselves, changing our way with them. It has become a pattern and we have to break it, without shocking them but firmly. Maybe we should tell them: "Mom (for me mom and dad) I know we didn't have a good relationship so far but I want to change it, probably it's my fault and I want to do my part." No matter how this started but we have to state our will to change it. We should tell them the main problem we have, for you the loud tone of voice maybe or the polemical or judging attitude. Another thing could be, as suggested by our sister Hameedeh to ask them how can we confort them, to ask about their prblem and let them know we care. Because we do care but we are used to ignore them to be no hurt, right? Well, if someone have a good advice for this, I'm also definitely interested. Being kind with parents is important!

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Hi,

I would recommend that you do something nice for her, buy her flowers, take her to a spa day, etc.. this will show her that you love her, do this for a while even if you fight from time to time. 

That's what I do with my mom, then when I see her upset I come close to her ask her what's wrong and hug her even if she doesn't want to talk. This shows her that I'm not her enemy and I want her to feel good. My mom had a very stressful relationship with my dad and would yell at me in response because she can't yell at him otherwise it'll lead to a divorce (eventually), she just needed to let her anger out on someone. Maybe that's what's happening to you? Notice what you fight a lot, explain your point of view by starting the sentence with "I feel.." Don't start it with "you", otherwise she'll feel like you're attacking her and will start arguing. 

Example, I told my mom "I feel that you don't love me and don't want me to have a personality where I can express my own views and thought" She of course will take it as a peaceful way to lay the argument and explain what she wants me to do or trying to convey to me.

There's more in a video I think called how to handle arguments (or something like that), I believe it's for the School of Life on youtube, it'll help you see eye-to-eye with your mom.

If she's just a difficult person and doesn't want to make peace, maybe she's going through something? My mom had depression for a while and I helped her through it. At a certain point we help our parents too I guess. If not, then try applying for a job or uni elsewhere, it'll give you some perspective. I studied abroad for 4 years and came back home missing my mom, now our relationship is better-ish because she misses me too. Besides when you're away from the person, you only remember their good side.. trust me.

I hope this helps! Basically be good to her even through the fighting and ignoring, make her feel appreciated and heard, I think that's what every mother wants to feel anyways and it wouldn't hurt honestly. Try communicating with her but more importantly listen to what she is (or isn't) saying. Notice when and about what you fight, notice both of your moods, is it a bad day or something deeper? If she's throwing her garbage (using you as a punching bag) just take it in, it's your mother in the end, and she probably did the same at one point. Remember that it's a period and it'll pass, and worst case scenario, try going to therapy with her; I heard it helps.

Good luck!

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On 5/28/2018 at 7:52 PM, IlariaKhadija said:

Salam, I have also a very bad relationship with my parents and this makes me sad. Just as you say, the result is a mutual indifference. I'm 44 years old so not a girl and I don't live with them anymore, still I didn't find a way to handle this situation. Nothing special happened between us, I can't say they are angry or worried or that they disapprove me. I feel they don't understand me and this from a very long time, since when I was a child, maybe 10 years old. They are not muslims and don't like the fact I am, but they didn't oppose to that - even because I revert about 30 so it would have been ridicolous. Sadly I know it isn't easy to go there talking kindly and it's very hard to give them a hug, almost impossible. I don't write here to give you an advice but because I would like to get one me too. What can we do? We have to pray for this specific thing, askying god to make it easier to open our hearts to them again. Then I think we have to start from ourselves, changing our way with them. It has become a pattern and we have to break it, without shocking them but firmly. Maybe we should tell them: "Mom (for me mom and dad) I know we didn't have a good relationship so far but I want to change it, probably it's my fault and I want to do my part." No matter how this started but we have to state our will to change it. We should tell them the main problem we have, for you the loud tone of voice maybe or the polemical or judging attitude. Another thing could be, as suggested by our sister Hameedeh to ask them how can we confort them, to ask about their prblem and let them know we care. Because we do care but we are used to ignore them to be no hurt, right? Well, if someone have a good advice for this, I'm also definitely interested. Being kind with parents is important!

Sister Khadija, Wa Alikum Assalam Wa Rahamah

Take baby steps sister.

It is important to just start with something.

In the beginning send a birthday card, send voice messages on apps, start with a phone call.

Especially when our parents are older, they are extremely sensitive.  I admire that you want to have a relationship with them, even though it can be difficult.

You know how you can start?  Start by sending flowers anonymously with a card.  Or a box of chocolates with a picture of you when you were younger and say you were thinking of them and want to spend more time with them.  Anything, just start with something and then build on it.

If you can stop by and give a helping hand, see if anything needs fixing or you can clean around the house.

Take them out to a park or someplace outside.

The sky's the limit.

God bless you sister.  I hope you are well and in good health.

I hope you update us on your progress.

 

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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