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Saajida

Concerns regarding marriage

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Salam. 

I have afew questions regarding marriage since I'm in that age where parents start pressurising you to get married but I get so uncomfortable thinking about it. 

Firstly, is it obligatory for a female to get married? Is there any chance of going solo but still following all other necessary rulings and wajibats. If I'm correct it is highly recommended for men but idk anything about females. 

Second if marriage was to happen and I have red alot about listening to your husband, letting them take the lead in the relationship and all that but what if your husband's priority is not the pleasure and obedience of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى? I don't see anything good from this. In this case if they start to become a distraction or someone who takes you away from god (almost like a friend who encourages unlikable actions in islam) is it permissible to ignore him and carry out religious duties as you wish. 

Third, I think (not sure) but is it true that rights of divorce is with the husband only? what if the husband is unnecessarily abusing his wife (for example ) does she have any power to end the marriage in this circumstance?

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salam
1. No there is no obligations to get married. Prophet Isa (3) never got married

2. It is better to get married, since you get closer to Allah SWT than fasting!!

3. Marriage is to get closer to Allah SWT together, so if the husband doens't get you closer, then it's not got to be with him, but you could try to still invite him back and so. I dont seem to recall the 4th woman of paradise getting divorced with Firawun (LA), or Prophet Noah (3) and Prophet Lut (3) divorcing their wives, when they have been set as examples of kuffar in surah 66 verse 10. They still tried to invite them to Allah SWT.

4. no this is not true. From what I have learned, a wife has kinda a bit more rights than the husband himself.

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4 hours ago, Saajida said:

Firstly, is it obligatory for a female to get married?

No, it's not obligatory, though it is highly recommended. The Prophet even says that getting married is like completing half your religion, and so while it's not an absolute necessity, it is one of the most recommended acts in Islam. Moreover, if you fear that you will fall into sin, then it immediately becomes obligatory for you to marry.

4 hours ago, Saajida said:

Is there any chance of going solo but still following all other necessary rulings and wajibats. If I'm correct it is highly recommended for men but idk anything about females. 

As I explained above, it is possible but for most people, it is an extremely unlikely scenario. Moreover, what you said about men is not true; marriage is highly recommended for both men and women, and staying single is not recommended for either sex.

4 hours ago, Saajida said:

Second if marriage was to happen and I have red alot about listening to your husband, letting them take the lead in the relationship and all that but what if your husband's priority is not the pleasure and obedience of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى? I don't see anything good from this. In this case if they start to become a distraction or someone who takes you away from god (almost like a friend who encourages unlikable actions in islam) is it permissible to ignore him and carry out religious duties as you wish. 

If his wishes contradict the laws of Islam, or prevent you from fulfilling your religious obligations, then you can ignore his wishes. If, however, his wishes are neutral (for example, he wants you to wear a yellow shirt everyday), then you should try and abide by them. Though, of course, a healthy marriage is based on mutual understanding between the two partners, and he should respect your wishes, just as you should respect his.

4 hours ago, Saajida said:

Third, I think (not sure) but is it true that rights of divorce is with the husband only? what if the husband is unnecessarily abusing his wife (for example ) does she have any power to end the marriage in this circumstance?

You can include a clause in the marriage contract which gives the woman a right to divorce, though, yes, by default only the man has the right to divorce. However, if he is abusive as you've suggested, the woman can seek the help of the local (Islamic) judge/scholar/representative of the marja', who can dissolve the marriage. This is known as khula. Islam does not tolerate domestic violence, and this is a sufficient grounds for the local judge to dissolve a marriage.

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9 hours ago, Hugo Boss said:

3. Marriage is to get closer to Allah SWT together, so if the husband doens't get you closer, then it's not got to be with him, but you could try to still invite him back and so. I dont seem to recall the 4th woman of paradise getting divorced with Firawun (LA), or Prophet Noah (3) and Prophet Lut (3) divorcing their wives, when they have been set as examples of kuffar in surah 66 verse 10. They still tried to invite them to Allah SWT.

4. no this is not true. From what I have learned, a wife has kinda a bit more rights than the husband himself.

3. Very true. Thanks for this.

4. Where do you get this assumption from that wife has more right? 

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7 hours ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

No, it's not obligatory, though it is highly recommended. The Prophet even says that getting married is like completing half your religion, and so while it's not an absolute necessity, it is one of the most recommended acts in Islam. Moreover, if you fear that you will fall into sin, then it immediately becomes obligatory for you to marry.

As I explained above, it is possible but for most people, it is an extremely unlikely scenario. Moreover, what you said about men is not true; marriage is highly recommended for both men and women, and staying single is not recommended for either sex.

If his wishes contradict the laws of Islam, or prevent you from fulfilling your religious obligations, then you can ignore his wishes. If, however, his wishes are neutral (for example, he wants you to wear a yellow shirt everyday), then you should try and abide by them. Though, of course, a healthy marriage is based on mutual understanding between the two partners, and he should respect your wishes, just as you should respect his.

You can include a clause in the marriage contract which gives the woman a right to divorce, though, yes, by default only the man has the right to divorce. However, if he is abusive as you've suggested, the woman can seek the help of the local (Islamic) judge/scholar/representative of the marja', who can dissolve the marriage. This is known as khula. Islam does not tolerate domestic violence, and this is a sufficient grounds for the local judge to dissolve a marriage.

Thank you ! Thats a relief to know. 

God bless you. 

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On 4/2/2018 at 7:27 AM, Saajida said:

3. Very true. Thanks for this.

4. Where do you get this assumption from that wife has more right? 

assumption? :3

1. A wife doesn't need to go out and work. She is not obligated to do so, it is the man that **has** the obligation to do so. Your only duty is to take care of the house. You can work if you want to, but it's completely up to you!

2. What better job is than taking care of your kids (if they turn out to be angels)?

3. As I said earlier, a woman gets Jannah 3x times more as the husband.

4. Jannah lies under the feet of a mother - The Prophet (PBUH & HF).

now there are probably loads of things I have forgotten, but I know the one who gets most out of the marriage is the wife

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Getting married is a part of completing your deen, you should focus on yourself for now and make your family happy in other ways until you fall in love with a man, the best thing about marriage is if it with someone who you love. Having somebody who loves you and wants to marry you is the most beautiful feeling this world has. Tell your parents you wish to have sabr and wait for the right man. Allah has somebody for everyone, and you will be happier with a man who loves you then to be alone in life. 

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On 4/1/2018 at 9:18 PM, Saajida said:

letting them take the lead in the relationship

So I have a question here about this part that ur saying "letting them take the lead in the relationship "

If men r the leaders in the relationship , so we should call this relationship , slavery not marriage ! Am I right?

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16 hours ago, strength=Abbas said:

So I have a question here about this part that ur saying "letting them take the lead in the relationship "

If men r the leaders in the relationship , so we should call this relationship , slavery not marriage ! Am I right?

When you play sports, do you follow the lead of the team captain? At your job, do you follow the lead of your boss? Every arena in life had a leader because that creates order. So if we accept leaders in other areas of life, why is a leader in marriage slavery to you? 

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23 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

When you play sports, do you follow the lead of the team captain? At your job, do you follow the lead of your boss? Every arena in life had a leader because that creates order. So if we accept leaders in other areas of life, why is a leader in marriage slavery to you? 

Leader should be chosen by some features not by gender !

Un marriage we r like ok,u r husband ? U r man? So u r leader :| does it make sense??

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28 minutes ago, strength=Abbas said:

Leader should be chosen by some features not by gender !

Un marriage we r like ok,u r husband ? U r man? So u r leader :| does it make sense??

Those are the rules Allah has chosen for us. And our test is to submit to Allah. We also can't choose our parents based on features or anything else, yet we have to follow and obey them. It doesn't seem fair sometimes but it creates order in society. 

So when we follow our husband's lead, or our parents', we are not following them because of who they are, we follow them because we are obeying Allah. That's the only reason. However he has given you the choice not to marry if you don't want to follow a husband. 

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7 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Those are the rules Allah has chosen for us. And our test is to submit to Allah. We also can't choose our parents based on features or anything else, yet we have to follow and obey them. It doesn't seem fair sometimes but it creates order in society. 

So when we follow our husband's lead, or our parents', we are not following them because of who they are, we follow them because we are obeying Allah. That's the only reason. However he has given you the choice not to marry if you don't want to follow a husband. 

It really doesnt make sense. U see many men who cant even do their own duties how come they r supposed to be the leaders of the family?? 

The only reason I havent get married yet!

But does He really allow us not go get married?

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16 minutes ago, strength=Abbas said:

It really doesnt make sense. U see many men who cant even do their own duties how come they r supposed to be the leaders of the family?? 

The only reason I havent get married yet!

But does He really allow us not go get married?

When you are choosing your husband, try to find a man that has leadership qualities. No one is perfect but you have to do your part to make sure he will be a good leader to you and your family. It's not like you have to marry a random man off the street... It's your right to choose a suitable spouse for yourself. 

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15 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

When you are choosing your husband, try to find a man that has leadership qualities. No one is perfect but you have to do your part to make sure he will be a good leader to you and your family. It's not like you have to marry a random man off the street... It's your right to choose a suitable spouse for yourself. 

I have a question again! Sorry

A man is not supposed to follow his wife? It s not obligatory for him?

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3 hours ago, strength=Abbas said:

I have a question again! Sorry

A man is not supposed to follow his wife? It s not obligatory for him?

No it's not wajib for him. But husbands can consult and ask their wives for her opinion, but then it is up to him to decide what he wants to do. 

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37 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

No it's not wajib for him. But husbands can consult and ask their wives for her opinion, but then it is up to him to decide what he wants to do. 

Im so sorry. But Im not convinced by any of ur answers in these posts :/

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31 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Lol what do you mean? What part is not convincing? Maybe you should ask your local sheikh these questions or email your marja. 

 

5 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Those are the rules Allah has chosen for us. And our test is to submit to Allah.

 Specially this part. It s a rule made by Allah that men r the leaders of relationship? LOL

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8 hours ago, strength=Abbas said:

 Specially this part. It s a rule made by Allah that men r the leaders of relationship? LOL

Allah has made it a rule that a wife should obey her husband as long as he is not asking something haram. 

Quote

A woman came to the Prophet (S) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! What are the rights of men upon their wives?’ He replied, ‘She must obey him and not be disobedient. She must not give charity from his house without his permission. She must not perform voluntary fasts without his permission. She must not deny him her body, even if she is on the back of a camel. And she must not exit her home without his permission. 

https://www.al-islam.org/introduction-rights-and-duties-women-islam-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/mutual-rights-and

^^ I think that is the extent of the 'leadership.' That he has those rights over her. However if you marry a man and he allows you or wants you to make the decisions in the family, that is fine too. Maybe he wants you to be in control of the finances, or maybe he even gives you complete decision making of all affairs. That's fine too. In that case you are the 'leader' in the relationship but it is because he allows it. Relationships (good ones anyway) are not like slavery where the husband is bossing the wife around all day. Relationships are about talking and problem-solving and consulting one another. But when there is a disagreement about something, the husband has the ultimate say. Like I said before, in every area of life there is a person that has the ultimate decision making authority because otherwise there would always be fighting, chaos, and disagreement. Whether that is the CEO of a company, the principle of a school, or the manager of the store, someone has to make the final decisions.  

If you marry a good man, I assure you it is not like slavery. A good husband respects his wife and in that regard, he doesn't act like a controlling dictator, he acts like a partner and teammate in the journey of life. If you get married and you feel like a slave, you married the wrong man.  

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8 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Allah has made it a rule that a wife should obey her husband as long as he is not asking something haram. 

Quote

A woman came to the Prophet (S) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! What are the rights of men upon their wives?’ He replied, ‘She must obey him and not be disobedient. She must not give charity from his house without his permission. She must not perform voluntary fasts without his permission. She must not deny him her body, even if she is on the back of a camel. And she must not exit her home without his permission. 

https://www.al-islam.org/introduction-rights-and-duties-women-islam-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/mutual-rights-and

^^ I think that is the extent of the 'leadership.' That he has those rights over her. However if you marry a man and he allows you or wants you to make the decisions in the family, that is fine too. Maybe he wants you to be in control of the finances, or maybe he even gives you complete decision making of all affairs. That's fine too. In that case you are the 'leader' in the relationship but it is because he allows it. Relationships (good ones anyway) are not like slavery where the husband is bossing the wife around all day. Relationships are about talking and problem-solving and consulting one another. But when there is a disagreement about something, the husband has the ultimate say. Like I said before, in every area of life there is a person that has the ultimate decision making authority because otherwise there would always be fighting, chaos, and disagreement. Whether that is the CEO of a company, the principle of a school, or the manager of the store, someone has to make the final decisions.  

If you marry a good man, I assure you it is not like slavery. A good husband respects his wife and in that regard, he doesn't act like a controlling dictator, he acts like a partner and teammate in the journey of life. If you get married and you feel like a slave, you married the wrong man.  

Thank you. If all young people understood this (Mutual Rights and Responsibilities of Spouses) then they might treat their spouse with mutual love and respect. InShaAllah.

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On 06/04/2018 at 9:12 PM, ireallywannaknow said:

Allah has made it a rule that a wife should obey her husband as long as he is not asking something haram. 

^^ I think that is the extent of the 'leadership.' That he has those rights over her. However if you marry a man and he allows you or wants you to make the decisions in the family, that is fine too. Maybe he wants you to be in control of the finances, or maybe he even gives you complete decision making of all affairs. That's fine too. In that case you are the 'leader' in the relationship but it is because he allows it. Relationships (good ones anyway) are not like slavery where the husband is bossing the wife around all day. Relationships are about talking and problem-solving and consulting one another. But when there is a disagreement about something, the husband has the ultimate say. Like I said before, in every area of life there is a person that has the ultimate decision making authority because otherwise there would always be fighting, chaos, and disagreement. Whether that is the CEO of a company, the principle of a school, or the manager of the store, someone has to make the final decisions.  

If you marry a good man, I assure you it is not like slavery. A good husband respects his wife and in that regard, he doesn't act like a controlling dictator, he acts like a partner and teammate in the journey of life. If you get married and you feel like a slave, you married the wrong man.  

Would u tell me the rights of women over theie husbands? Plz

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1 hour ago, strength=Abbas said:

Would u tell me the rights of women over theie husbands? Plz

Sure dear. These are the exclusive right of the wife, taken from the same book that I quoted from earlier (I cut out some parts to make it shorter):

Quote

a. Men’s Obligations
1. Supervision of the Family
In Islam, the responsibility of guardianship, supervision, and management of the family have been set on the shoulders of men. Allah, the Exalted, has stated in the Holy Quran:

الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاء بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُواْ مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللّهُ...

“Men are the protectors and supervisors of women because of the advantage Allah has given some over others and because they support them from their means. Therefore righteous women are those who are humble and who guard (in their husband’s presence and absence) his rights and secrets, which Allah has ordained to be guarded.”12

The supervisory duties of men may be summarized in three categories:

1. Providing for the expenses of the family, making plans through consultation, and managing the incomes and expenditures of the family

2. Safeguarding, protecting, and looking after all members of the family

3. Overseeing religious, moral, and cultural issues of family members, guiding them towards improvement and spiritual and physical development, and preventing social and ethical corruption within the family

2. Providing Financial Support [nafaqah]
In Islam, it is a man’s duty to provide for all living expenses of the family. Ishaq ibn ‘Ammar asked the noble Imam Sadiq (‘a):

سأل إسحاق بن عمّار أباعبدالله (ع) عن حقّ المرأة علی زوجها قال: «یشبع بطنها، و یکسوها، و إن جهلت غفر لها.»

‘What are the rights of a wife upon her husband?’ He replied, ‘He must fill her stomach and provide her clothing and if she makes a mistake, he must forgive her.’13

3. Honor, Gentleness, and Lenience
A man must be appreciative of his wife and regard her as a blessing from God. He must honor her, be gentle with her, forgive her mistakes, and refrain from strictness and stubbornness. Islam regards this attitude a wife’s right and a husband’s duty. Imam Sajjad (‘a) has stated:

قال علیّ بن الحسین (ع): «و أمّا حق الزوجة: فأن تعلم أنّ الله جعلها سکناً و أُنساً، فتعلم أنّ ذلک نعمة من الله علیک فتکرمها و ترفق بها، و إن کان حقّک علیها اُوجب، فإنّ لها عليک أنّ ترحمها؛ لأنّها أسيرتک، و تطعمها و تکسوها، و إذا جهلت عفوت عنها.»

The rights of a wife are that you must know that Allah has made her (an instrument of) peace and friendship; then you must know that she is a blessing from Allah upon you, so honor her and be lenient and gentle with her. Even though you also have rights upon her, you must be kind and forgiving toward her because she is captivated by you. And you must provide her food and clothing and when she makes a mistake, you must forgive her.14

4. Religious and Moral Guidance
Men are obligated to make provision for religious, ethical, and belief related issues of their wives. Either they must help them in this matter themselves, or they must provide the instruments for their learning. A man must be careful of his wife’s morality and conduct. He must encourage her to virtuous deeds and praiseworthy behavior and dissuade her from evil deeds and indecent behavior. In short, he must free her from the fires of Hell and invite her to Heaven.

This is one of the results and requirements of supervision, which is the responsibility of men. The Quran proclaims:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا قُوا أَنفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ...

“O people of faith! Save yourselves and your families from the Fire whose fuel is humans and stones.”15

Please note that these are not including rights that both the husband and wife both have over each other. The book also give a list of those rights, which include sociability (basically having good akhlaq), being attractive for your spouse, pleasure and gratification, and raising the children. Go to the book for more details about this. 

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On 4/2/2018 at 11:18 AM, Saajida said:

Salam. 

I have afew questions regarding marriage since I'm in that age where parents start pressurising you to get married but I get so uncomfortable thinking about it. 

Firstly, is it obligatory for a female to get married? Is there any chance of going solo but still following all other necessary rulings and wajibats. If I'm correct it is highly recommended for men but idk anything about females. 

Second if marriage was to happen and I have red alot about listening to your husband, letting them take the lead in the relationship and all that but what if your husband's priority is not the pleasure and obedience of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى? I don't see anything good from this. In this case if they start to become a distraction or someone who takes you away from god (almost like a friend who encourages unlikable actions in islam) is it permissible to ignore him and carry out religious duties as you wish. 

Third, I think (not sure) but is it true that rights of divorce is with the husband only? what if the husband is unnecessarily abusing his wife (for example ) does she have any power to end the marriage in this circumstance?

1.marraige is not obligatory but recommended but if you fear that you would commit a sin then its obligatory.

2. If you do intend to get my married, do mutah with that person so you can get to know him and how he is and etc. this is where people get trapped they go for a permanent marriage right away instead of mutah. In mutah marraige you can make rules within the contract such as not getting intimate.

3. Women also have rights to divorce too.

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