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Saraharvey

For men: advice on to make husband more religious?

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Asalaam Alaykum to you all,

It's been a few months since my marriage with a not too religious husband. Unfortunately he is not much into reflecting about Islam and Ahlulhayt (A.S.) and he also doesn't read or research about it. He does try to perform his prayers, but next to this he doesn't do anything else about his religion. This worries me sometimes as I myself know about Islam to some extend and find it very important. What is your advice on helping him on this path? Should I tell him about my worries? Should I take it step by step? Is he going to become more religious with the time being? Note: we have had our nikkah but haven't started to live under a roof yet. So culturally we are engaged.

Thanks in advance.

Sara

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Ws,

Would he be interesting in listening to lectures? You could say: hey lets listen to this lecture together and discuss it afterwards.

For me personally, I would not marry someone who does not do their wajibats, such as prayer.

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2 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

Asalaam Alaykum to you all,

It's been a few months since my marriage with a not too religious husband. Unfortunately he is not much into reflecting about Islam and Ahlulhayt (A.S.) and he also doesn't read or research about it. He does try to perform his prayers, but next to this he doesn't do anything else about his religion. This worries me sometimes as I myself know about Islam to some extend and find it very important. What is your advice on helping him on this path? Should I tell him about my worries? Should I take it step by step? Is he going to become more religious with the time being? Note: we have had our nikkah but haven't started to live under a roof yet. So culturally we are engaged.

Thanks in advance.

Sara

I would say in any matter between 2 people communication is mostly the best way forward specially in terms of a couple. Speaking with him about your thoughts and concerns would be probably be the best option, it may also cause him to open up and tell you about his feelings regarding the matter and may also give you indications about how to help him.

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Don't want to put a downer but the only thing you can do here is pray to Allah and hopes He answers to your dua. 

Expecting spouses to change after marriage isn't right and efforts to do so backfire in many cases especially when they involve husband. 

Accept him as he is, try to improve your faith and practices which would be difficult in itself considering you won't have your husband's support and try to be a good wife to him. Anything more than this will be labeled as nagging. 

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On 25/03/2018 at 12:15 AM, Qa'im said:

What are his current interests, hobbies, and fields of study?

Interests: going out, being social and have fun with people. He likes to laugh.

Hobbies: No particular hobbies know  yet.

Field of study: he works at a company where they work with machines: manufacturing different kind of things. He likes to invest and start something of his own.

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On 24/03/2018 at 11:31 AM, IbnSina said:

Ws,

Would he be interesting in listening to lectures? You could say: hey lets listen to this lecture together and discuss it afterwards.

For me personally, I would not marry someone who does not do their wajibats, such as prayer.

Asalaam alaykum,

I dont know. I could give it a try.

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On 24/03/2018 at 1:49 PM, Inconsolable said:

I would say in any matter between 2 people communication is mostly the best way forward specially in terms of a couple. Speaking with him about your thoughts and concerns would be probably be the best option, it may also cause him to open up and tell you about his feelings regarding the matter and may also give you indications about how to help him.

Thank you.

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On 24/03/2018 at 4:50 PM, Nitidum said:

Don't want to put a downer but the only thing you can do here is pray to Allah and hopes He answers to your dua. 

Expecting spouses to change after marriage isn't right and efforts to do so backfire in many cases especially when they involve husband. 

Accept him as he is, try to improve your faith and practices which would be difficult in itself considering you won't have your husband's support and try to be a good wife to him. Anything more than this will be labeled as nagging. 

Allah could bring a change who knows. 

Thanks for your reply.

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1 hour ago, Saraharvey said:

Interests: going out, being social and have fun with people. He likes to laugh.

Hobbies: No particular hobbies know  yet.

Field of study: he works at a company where they work with machines: manufacturing different kind of things. He likes to invest and start something of his own.

Perhaps you could introduce him to religious couples that you two can see together as family friends. Otherwise you can tell him that you would like him to be more religious. The most important thing is that he is fulfilling his wajibat, not everyone is going to have a particular interest in religious studies. It’s hard to fundamentally change people - just show him that religion is very important to you, and he’ll probably accommodate you. Otherwise if you wanted to marry someone interested in religion, wouldn’t the topic have come up before getting engaged?

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45 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

Perhaps you could introduce him to religious couples that you two can see together as family friends. Otherwise you can tell him that you would like him to be more religious. The most important thing is that he is fulfilling his wajibat, not everyone is going to have a particular interest in religious studies. It’s hard to fundamentally change people - just show him that religion is very important to you, and he’ll probably accommodate you. Otherwise if you wanted to marry someone interested in religion, wouldn’t the topic have come up before getting engaged?

To be really honest I didnt know what I wanted at first. The more time we pass the more I know what's important to me. The peoblem is that if I ask him I won't get a straight and clear answer. It's as if he is not too sure what he wants..  

What can I do?

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10 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

To be really honest I didnt know what I wanted at first. The more time we pass the more I know what's important to me. The peoblem is that if I ask him I won't get a straight and clear answer. It's as if he is not too sure what he wants..  

What can I do?

Make this point clear to him, be transparent. Tell him that you did not know that you wanted a religious spouse, but now you have realized the importance of this to you, and that you would like him to take a bigger interest in religion.

It is easy to say "yes" to that, but do you have specific goals in mind? Do you want him to watch more lectures? Do you want him to befriend more religious people? Do you want him to go to the mosque more? Do you want him to read more? If he's willing to take any one of these steps, then there are many ways in which you can help him. But if he is not willing, then you can't really change him, you can only encourage him.

Maybe he needs someone to pique his interest about religion. Maybe he hasn't thought much about ethics, the existence of God, or the purpose of life. Many nonreligious people either meet the right person or go through a certain event that makes them interested in these issues. Sometimes the world of debate or polemics can get the ball rolling. Sometimes he just needs the cultural connection.

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On 26/03/2018 at 11:46 PM, Qa'im said:

Make this point clear to him, be transparent. Tell him that you did not know that you wanted a religious spouse, but now you have realized the importance of this to you, and that you would like him to take a bigger interest in religion.

It is easy to say "yes" to that, but do you have specific goals in mind? Do you want him to watch more lectures? Do you want him to befriend more religious people? Do you want him to go to the mosque more? Do you want him to read more? If he's willing to take any one of these steps, then there are many ways in which you can help him. But if he is not willing, then you can't really change him, you can only encourage him.

Maybe he needs someone to pique his interest about religion. Maybe he hasn't thought much about ethics, the existence of God, or the purpose of life. Many nonreligious people either meet the right person or go through a certain event that makes them interested in these issues. Sometimes the world of debate or polemics can get the ball rolling. Sometimes he just needs the cultural connection.

Asalaam alaykum brother,

Your reply touched my heart. I have always thought I would get married to a relatively/absolutely religious guy, but it seems like Allah wanted something else. We people could also be the means of a helper to help someone become more religious. He is not non religious but I think that he kind of needs some structure in his life. He is far away from his family for years and has been always living alone. If I ask him what are your ideologies or ideas about raising your kids. He tells me that hasn't come right now (he means that it will be alright). He is sometimes not  what he wants and as a result of this leaves me with with my questions unanswered. Sometimes he provides me with answers and later he says something else. ( I am confused).

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On 28/03/2018 at 2:34 PM, Saraharvey said:

Asalaam alaykum brother,

Your reply touched my heart. I have always thought I would get married to a relatively/absolutely religious guy, but it seems like Allah wanted something else. We people could also be the means of a helper to help someone become more religious. He is not non religious but I think that he kind of needs some structure in his life. He is far away from his family for years and has been always living alone. If I ask him what are your ideologies or ideas about raising your kids. He tells me that hasn't come right now (he means that it will be alright). He is sometimes not  what he wants and as a result of this leaves me with with my questions unanswered. Sometimes he provides me with answers and later he says something else. ( I am confused).

dear brother @Qa'im,

I am looking forward to your reply.

Sara

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2 hours ago, Saraharvey said:

dear brother @Qa'im,

I am looking forward to your reply.

Sara

There is not much else to say - find specific religious goals that you two as a couple can work towards together. That can mean watching lectures together, attending majlis together, befriending religious friends/couples together, discussing ethics together (not just for future children, but ethical topics in general), or reading together. Ask yourself what "being religious" looks like for you. If he's interested in any of these activities, then that can make him more religious. If he won't budge, then he's simply not interested.

You should also assess why you are having doubts at this point in the engagement. Is "I wish he was more religious" the real reason, or are there other factors. From your posts he seems to lack direction and structure in general. Perhaps that's the underlying reason, or perhaps you're just not ready to take the big step of marriage, or perhaps you lack trust or tawakkul, or maybe you're not attracted to him ... you need to search out the reasons within yourself.

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Ask Allah for hidayah? guidance? or you can simply invite him to pray or listen to you reading a D'ua or reading The Holy Qur'an, I highly recommend reading The Holy Qur'an in front of him or inviting him to listen to it, it can be a warning to him. And last but not least, open Mafatih al-Jinan and read prayers and read their reward, it could pull him into reading them (because it's reward is in front of him, i.e, 'Hey, this D'ua, if you read it Allah will build a house for you in jannah'). May Allah guide him and guide all of us to the right path. Amen.

رَبِّ ابْنِ لِي عِندَكَ بَيْتًا فِي الْجَنَّةِ

Edited by Iraqi_Gladiator

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Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.

Mashallah very interesting post.  I think since he is praying on time that is great. Namaaz is the pillar of our faith.  When you will start living with him, inshallah he will change.  

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