Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest guest19978772

Marriage Advice

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Guest guest19978772

Salam to all,

I wanted to get a few opinions and advice preferably from someone who has or knows someone who has been in a similar situation.

Background:

I met this girl who was a non-Muslim and didn't ascribe to any religion she had an interest in me and brought forth her interest in Islam. So we spoke about the possibility of getting married as there was mutual attraction, characteristic wise and physically etc. Of course as a Muslim you cannot marry a non-Muslim so I told her at the beginning that it would only work out if she was to become a Muslim, however I made it clear that there is no pressure and that if she doesn't connect with Islam or find any truth in it then it isn't the end of the world (I know how this may sound however I didn't want to give false hopes/mislead however making a condition like that by and of itself is pressuring).

She then briefly researched at her own pace and didn't want my help as she wanted to do it for herself and not because of me. After a while she decided to convert and done so herself.

To cut the story short, we then got temporarily married and are now living together for a while. This part felt a bit rushed however this is not an issue. We discussed important expectations of each other as we would such as hijab, children etc. Islamically speaking I have expectations and have expressed them such as hijab and prayer etc. Again I havent said you need to do this as I don't want to force anything upon anyone it should be their own choice.

My concerns:

Now that we have been together for a while, she hasn't really progressed from the Islamic sense, she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. it seems as though now that we are together that is all that matters and the job is done now. I practice daily with her being in the room when I pray etc. She is very supportive of what I do, and she has great characteristics and potential to be a great mother no doubt.

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support.

This brings a lot of doubt and uncertainty with me in terms of what is the best way to proceed foward. I don't want to be wasting my and her time, getting emotionally caged and thereby living a life that we didn't envisage. I understand that someone who is a new Muslim it takes time, and I am willing to spare that time, as I myself wasnt practicing until later in life so its not foreign to me.

She has had a very rough childhood emotionally and has expressed ideas of self harm in her teens. A lot of people have let her down. She says I am the best thing in her life and I truly believe she means this.

Just to conclude, her as a person, I am fine with that. However as I take my religion as Nr.1 priority and she it seems takes me as Nr.1 priority it seems a bit conflicting to me. Given at later stage when having children, she has a few Western ideas of the upbringing of children which I don't fully agree with as well.

1. However at what point does one decide this isn't going anywhere? As my main concerns are compatibility and the future of our children.

Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Guest guest19978772 said:

Salam to all,

I wanted to get a few opinions and advice preferably from someone who has or knows someone who has been in a similar situation.

Background:

I met this girl who was a non-Muslim and didn't ascribe to any religion she had an interest in me and brought forth her interest in Islam. So we spoke about the possibility of getting married as there was mutual attraction, characteristic wise and physically etc. Of course as a Muslim you cannot marry a non-Muslim so I told her at the beginning that it would only work out if she was to become a Muslim, however I made it clear that there is no pressure and that if she doesn't connect with Islam or find any truth in it then it isn't the end of the world (I know how this may sound however I didn't want to give false hopes/mislead however making a condition like that by and of itself is pressuring).

She then briefly researched at her own pace and didn't want my help as she wanted to do it for herself and not because of me. After a while she decided to convert and done so herself.

To cut the story short, we then got temporarily married and are now living together for a while. This part felt a bit rushed however this is not an issue. We discussed important expectations of each other as we would such as hijab, children etc. Islamically speaking I have expectations and have expressed them such as hijab and prayer etc. Again I havent said you need to do this as I don't want to force anything upon anyone it should be their own choice.

My concerns:

Now that we have been together for a while, she hasn't really progressed from the Islamic sense, she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. it seems as though now that we are together that is all that matters and the job is done now. I practice daily with her being in the room when I pray etc. She is very supportive of what I do, and she has great characteristics and potential to be a great mother no doubt.

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support.

This brings a lot of doubt and uncertainty with me in terms of what is the best way to proceed foward. I don't want to be wasting my and her time, getting emotionally caged and thereby living a life that we didn't envisage. I understand that someone who is a new Muslim it takes time, and I am willing to spare that time, as I myself wasnt practicing until later in life so its not foreign to me.

She has had a very rough childhood emotionally and has expressed ideas of self harm in her teens. A lot of people have let her down. She says I am the best thing in her life and I truly believe she means this.

Just to conclude, her as a person, I am fine with that. However as I take my religion as Nr.1 priority and she it seems takes me as Nr.1 priority it seems a bit conflicting to me. Given at later stage when having children, she has a few Western ideas of the upbringing of children which I don't fully agree with as well.

1. However at what point does one decide this isn't going anywhere? As my main concerns are compatibility and the future of our children.

Thank you.

The only real question is whether she is a Muslim or not. There are plenty of Muslims who neither pray nor fast nor do hijab, etc.

If she is not even Muslim, then it is pointless to expect her to adhere to Islamic practices. 

Keep in mind you fell in love with a non-Muslim and now you expect her to change. If being a Muslim was of such importance, perhaps you should have fallen in love with a Muslim.

What I am saying is that the blame is not on her for not changing.

Edited by shiaman14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Muslimah

If religion was your number 1 priority, then you would never have interacted with a na-maharam in a non-halal way. To top it off, you went for a non-Muslim. I agree some people who convert are even better then those born Muslims. But to have high expectations from a person who didnt know anything about Islam is going too far.

I believe there are many MUSLIM ladies who might have the same characteristics and traits that you are looking for in a spouse. Please give our own people a chance before going to look for it elsewhere.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest guest19978772
2 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

The only real question is whether she is a Muslim or not. There are plenty of Muslims who neither pray nor fast nor do hijab, etc.

If she is not even Muslim, then it is pointless to expect her to adhere to Islamic practices. 

Keep in mind you fell in love with a non-Muslim and now you expect her to change. If being a Muslim was of such importance, perhaps you should have fallen in love with a Muslim.

What I am saying is that the blame is not on her for not changing.

From a fiqhi perspective she is considered a Muslim so all the rights off a Muslim apply to her. I agree, not here to blame her nor do I. I may have omitted it from my post however we did discuss hijab and other aspects such as prayers and so on whereby she said she is open to the idea and wishes to experience it. However I haven't yet seen any attempt hence my question for advice.

Thanks for your reply.

2 hours ago, Guest Muslimah said:

If religion was your number 1 priority, then you would never have interacted with a na-maharam in a non-halal way. To top it off, you went for a non-Muslim. I agree some people who convert are even better then those born Muslims. But to have high expectations from a person who didnt know anything about Islam is going too far.

I believe there are many MUSLIM ladies who might have the same characteristics and traits that you are looking for in a spouse. Please give our own people a chance before going to look for it elsewhere.

Not sure where this accusation of me interacting with a na-mahram in a non-halal way came from.

Why is it wrong giving a non-Muslim a chance if they put forth an interest in Islam in and of themselves?

Thank you for your response.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think my brother was in a similar situation as you. I'm not completely sure because I'm a lot younger than him and I was about 9 at the time this happened and don't know or remember a lot of the details. So I can't say his situation is exactly the same but from what I understand, he was with a non-Muslim woman for quite awhile, I think she might have became a Muslim because she went to a Muslim conference with him and she gave me my first prayer rug. They were together for several years. But I know he had some dilemma about it. I can't say where it stemmed from exactly but I feel like it had something to do with her Islam or lack of. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a personality thing because I remember them being deeply in love. But at the end he parted ways with her and now he is happily married to a Muslim woman, raising Muslim children. 

If a relationship is causing anxiety and stress at the stage, it would be best to reevaluate in my opinion. Try to find someone you are 100% (or close to) happy with from the get go. Marriage has enough trials as it is so you should try to find someone you are more compatible with. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 "she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. 

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support" "From a fiqhi perspective she is considered a Muslim so all the rights off a Muslim apply to her."

How is she a Muslim from a fiqhi perspective?  A Muslim is someone who submits to the sharia of Allah. Subhannallah and follows the path of the Prophet pbuh, and his purified progeny. Alhamdulillah.  Her actions indicate otherwise.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Jer said:

A Muslim is someone who submits to the sharia of Allah. Subhannallah and follows the path of the Prophet pbuh, and his purified progeny. Alhamdulillah.  Her actions indicate otherwise.

That’s not what defines a Muslim. A Muslim is someone that believes in the shari’a irrespective of whether they act upon it or not.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Guest guest19978772 said:

Salam to all,

I wanted to get a few opinions and advice preferably from someone who has or knows someone who has been in a similar situation.

Background:

I met this girl who was a non-Muslim and didn't ascribe to any religion she had an interest in me and brought forth her interest in Islam. So we spoke about the possibility of getting married as there was mutual attraction, characteristic wise and physically etc. Of course as a Muslim you cannot marry a non-Muslim so I told her at the beginning that it would only work out if she was to become a Muslim, however I made it clear that there is no pressure and that if she doesn't connect with Islam or find any truth in it then it isn't the end of the world (I know how this may sound however I didn't want to give false hopes/mislead however making a condition like that by and of itself is pressuring).

She then briefly researched at her own pace and didn't want my help as she wanted to do it for herself and not because of me. After a while she decided to convert and done so herself.

To cut the story short, we then got temporarily married and are now living together for a while. This part felt a bit rushed however this is not an issue. We discussed important expectations of each other as we would such as hijab, children etc. Islamically speaking I have expectations and have expressed them such as hijab and prayer etc. Again I havent said you need to do this as I don't want to force anything upon anyone it should be their own choice.

My concerns:

Now that we have been together for a while, she hasn't really progressed from the Islamic sense, she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. it seems as though now that we are together that is all that matters and the job is done now. I practice daily with her being in the room when I pray etc. She is very supportive of what I do, and she has great characteristics and potential to be a great mother no doubt.

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support.

This brings a lot of doubt and uncertainty with me in terms of what is the best way to proceed foward. I don't want to be wasting my and her time, getting emotionally caged and thereby living a life that we didn't envisage. I understand that someone who is a new Muslim it takes time, and I am willing to spare that time, as I myself wasnt practicing until later in life so its not foreign to me.

She has had a very rough childhood emotionally and has expressed ideas of self harm in her teens. A lot of people have let her down. She says I am the best thing in her life and I truly believe she means this.

Just to conclude, her as a person, I am fine with that. However as I take my religion as Nr.1 priority and she it seems takes me as Nr.1 priority it seems a bit conflicting to me. Given at later stage when having children, she has a few Western ideas of the upbringing of children which I don't fully agree with as well.

1. However at what point does one decide this isn't going anywhere? As my main concerns are compatibility and the future of our children.

Thank you.

Salam can I ask how long ago did she convert?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest guest19978772
8 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

I think my brother was in a similar situation as you. I'm not completely sure because I'm a lot younger than him and I was about 9 at the time this happened and don't know or remember a lot of the details. So I can't say his situation is exactly the same but from what I understand, he was with a non-Muslim woman for quite awhile, I think she might have became a Muslim because she went to a Muslim conference with him and she gave me my first prayer rug. They were together for several years. But I know he had some dilemma about it. I can't say where it stemmed from exactly but I feel like it had something to do with her Islam or lack of. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a personality thing because I remember them being deeply in love. But at the end he parted ways with her and now he is happily married to a Muslim woman, raising Muslim children. 

If a relationship is causing anxiety and stress at the stage, it would be best to reevaluate in my opinion. Try to find someone you are 100% (or close to) happy with from the get go. Marriage has enough trials as it is so you should try to find someone you are more compatible with. 

Thank you for your reply :).

5 hours ago, Jer said:

 "she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. 

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support" "From a fiqhi perspective she is considered a Muslim so all the rights off a Muslim apply to her."

How is she a Muslim from a fiqhi perspective?  A Muslim is someone who submits to the sharia of Allah. Subhannallah and follows the path of the Prophet pbuh, and his purified progeny. Alhamdulillah.  Her actions indicate otherwise.

I have had this confirmed scholarly so it's not an issue that needs to be discussed. These ideas of hers about fasting not being safe stem from a conflicting opinions when she carried out some of her research in the medical sense not from an Islamic point of view (I didn't find this out until a later stage, about this view) it's being misinformed.

Besides a lot of Muslims don't submit to the Sharia of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, that doesn't render them non-Muslim.

Thank you for your reply.

4 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Salam can I ask how long ago did she convert?

Wsalam,

About 4 months ago?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Guest guest19978772 said:

From a fiqhi perspective she is considered a Muslim so all the rights off a Muslim apply to her. I agree, not here to blame her nor do I. I may have omitted it from my post however we did discuss hijab and other aspects such as prayers and so on whereby she said she is open to the idea and wishes to experience it. However I haven't yet seen any attempt hence my question for advice.

Thanks for your reply.

Not sure where this accusation of me interacting with a na-mahram in a non-halal way came from.

Why is it wrong giving a non-Muslim a chance if they put forth an interest in Islam in and of themselves?

Thank you for your response.

You can find articles about spouses on www.al-Islam.org &Www.islamic-laws.org or your Marja website & read it toghether & explain Islamic rules for her

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Guest guest19978772 said:

Thank you for your reply :).

I have had this confirmed scholarly so it's not an issue that needs to be discussed. These ideas of hers about fasting not being safe stem from a conflicting opinions when she carried out some of her research in the medical sense not from an Islamic point of view (I didn't find this out until a later stage, about this view) it's being misinformed.

Besides a lot of Muslims don't submit to the Sharia of Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, that doesn't render them non-Muslim.

Thank you for your reply.

Wsalam,

About 4 months ago?

Salam 

I reverted 7 years ago 

have you ever taken her to an Islamic centre to learn how to pray and recite 

she could be shy that she will make an error 

or is it possible she only reverted just to marry you and feel like she’s trapped you with her 

please don’t have kids till you know for sure she’s serious about following Islam 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, Guest Muslimah said:

If religion was your number 1 priority, then you would never have interacted with a na-maharam in a non-halal way. To top it off, you went for a non-Muslim. I agree some people who convert are even better then those born Muslims. But to have high expectations from a person who didnt know anything about Islam is going too far.

I believe there are many MUSLIM ladies who might have the same characteristics and traits that you are looking for in a spouse. Please give our own people a chance before going to look for it elsewhere

Stop being jealous. A muslim female and a non muslim female are incidentally FEMALE. We do not know the circumstances of how two people meet or the experiences of the journies that take us in the round about of existence.

The responses are very poor. The imitation of religiousity or rather the exposure of the self's intellectual and religious affirmity is not really compelling in solving the problem at hand. considering that the opinions of the mentioned individuals thiestic affirmation being concluded to be incorrect while the op admits to be correct via authority that the responders adhere too.

Regarding fasting, incidentally many fitness gurus claim it to work wonders for body building. they call it intermittent fasting.

Type this in google . scientific benefits of fasting.  C

Also consider those who go on to raw diets, juice diets, simple diets, keto diets, what are they all doing? They are removing radicals from the body and the aim is to regenerate and start a new. This is what fasting does once a year. Regeneration and removal of the old self to the new self.

A good example in relation to this is by nassim taleb. He sited an example that to cure diabetes, it would be more efficent to place the diabetic in a desert environment living on 500 calories to cure the illness, but that would not be profitable for big pharma. So they give us drugs for monies.

What you are expecting is a change of from old behavior to a new mode of behavior. Especially in terms of adopting new habits, customs and even bodily movements. You both need to study everything academically and take having children out of the equation. Life isn't as simple as following or having a belief in a diety. the objective is to understand the reasons for belief and practice. she may have adopted islam on the basis of personal needs, being human at that.

 The young want to run before they can walk, full of fire and passion and become blind to the realities that await them.

Again, it is from the same causes and by the same means that every virtue is both produced and destroyed, and similarly every art; for it is from playing the lyre that both good and bad lyre-players are produced. And the corresponding statement is true of builders and of all the rest; men will be good or bad builders as a result of building well or badly. For if this were not so, there would have been no need of a teacher, but all men would have been born good or bad at their craft. This, then, is the case with the virtues also; by doing the acts that we do in our transactions with other men we become just or unjust, and by doing the acts that we do in the presence of danger, and being habituated to feel fear or confidence, we become brave or cowardly. The same is true of appetites and feelings of anger; some men become temperate and good-tempered, others self-indulgent and irascible, by behaving in one way or the other in the appropriate circumstances. Thus, in one word, states of character arise out of like activities. This is why the activities we exhibit must be of a certain kind; it is because the states of character correspond to the differences between these. It makes no small difference, then, whether we form habits of one kind or of another from our very youth; it makes a very great difference, or rather all the difference.

We must take as a sign of states of character the pleasure or pain that ensues on acts; for the man who abstains from bodily pleasures and delights in this very fact is temperate, while the man who is annoyed at it is self-indulgent, and he who stands his ground against things that are terrible and delights in this or at least is not pained is brave, while the man who is pained is a coward. For moral excellence is concerned with pleasures and pains; it is on account of the pleasure that we do bad things, and on account of the pain that we abstain from noble ones. Hence we ought to have been brought up in a particular way from our very youth, as Plato says, so as both to delight in and to be pained by the things that we ought; for this is the right education. Nicomachean Ethics, by Aristotle

 

Edited by monad

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Four months is too little a time to say anything.I think you should give this more time if you think you connect really well with her other than religious differences. 

Make it clear to her that you want your permanent wife to be a practicing muslimah and with things like hijab, salat and fasting one doesn't have a choice. 

Reevaluate the situation after 6 months and if things haven't changed it might be time to move on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The brother is asking for help because he bit into the fruit and doesn't like the sour taste.   Why is the fruit sour?  Because he was deceived.  The brothers problem is that his wife is not practicing muslim things from the religion of Islam. (rites, rituals, laws ) Truthfully, isn't this why he's in this predicament?   For the most part, good advice and blessing don't come from trying to find loopholes to do wrong things.  

"It maybe that if he divorces you
his Lord will give him, in [your] stead, wives better than you:
[such as are] muslim, faithful, obedient, penitent, devout and given to fasting, virgins and non-virgins." - at-Tahrim (66:5 ali-quli-qarai)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/24/2018 at 1:49 AM, Guest guest19978772 said:

Salam to all,

I wanted to get a few opinions and advice preferably from someone who has or knows someone who has been in a similar situation.

Background:

I met this girl who was a non-Muslim and didn't ascribe to any religion she had an interest in me and brought forth her interest in Islam. So we spoke about the possibility of getting married as there was mutual attraction, characteristic wise and physically etc. Of course as a Muslim you cannot marry a non-Muslim so I told her at the beginning that it would only work out if she was to become a Muslim, however I made it clear that there is no pressure and that if she doesn't connect with Islam or find any truth in it then it isn't the end of the world (I know how this may sound however I didn't want to give false hopes/mislead however making a condition like that by and of itself is pressuring).

She then briefly researched at her own pace and didn't want my help as she wanted to do it for herself and not because of me. After a while she decided to convert and done so herself.

To cut the story short, we then got temporarily married and are now living together for a while. This part felt a bit rushed however this is not an issue. We discussed important expectations of each other as we would such as hijab, children etc. Islamically speaking I have expectations and have expressed them such as hijab and prayer etc. Again I havent said you need to do this as I don't want to force anything upon anyone it should be their own choice.

My concerns:

Now that we have been together for a while, she hasn't really progressed from the Islamic sense, she hasnt expressed an interest in prayer, said she doesnt think fasting is safe etc. it seems as though now that we are together that is all that matters and the job is done now. I practice daily with her being in the room when I pray etc. She is very supportive of what I do, and she has great characteristics and potential to be a great mother no doubt.

Although at times cant be as supportive as I would like to given some situations such as some of her old friends being in the wrong circles and only socially meeting when alcohol is present etc. So when she asks how I would feel if she went to meet them in that environment, given she wouldnt drink, that is not something I can support.

This brings a lot of doubt and uncertainty with me in terms of what is the best way to proceed foward. I don't want to be wasting my and her time, getting emotionally caged and thereby living a life that we didn't envisage. I understand that someone who is a new Muslim it takes time, and I am willing to spare that time, as I myself wasnt practicing until later in life so its not foreign to me.

She has had a very rough childhood emotionally and has expressed ideas of self harm in her teens. A lot of people have let her down. She says I am the best thing in her life and I truly believe she means this.

Just to conclude, her as a person, I am fine with that. However as I take my religion as Nr.1 priority and she it seems takes me as Nr.1 priority it seems a bit conflicting to me. Given at later stage when having children, she has a few Western ideas of the upbringing of children which I don't fully agree with as well.

1. However at what point does one decide this isn't going anywhere? As my main concerns are compatibility and the future of our children.

Thank you.

No1. She doesn’t have to convert if she’s Christian or Jewish because they are the people of the book.(U just got yourself into a headache if you want her to be a Muslim) some marja don’t agree with this. Though. (But mine says I can)

2.if religion was so important to you then why on earth did you fall love with her? Since she’s not a Muslim? 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...