Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
YungHijazi

I wish to avoid both marriage and zina but cant

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Salam

Let me first start by saying that I am not against marriage In fact I highly encourage it however I just personally dont want to do it, which I will explain later.

I don't want to get married but I also want to avoid zina but I know that I cannot have both choices. If I avoid marriage that means sooner or later I will commit zina either with myself or another individual (most likely the former). Its basically me saying "I dont want to eat anymore" because no matter how much I try sexual desires are a part of a humans need which needs to be satisfied  somehow (Just like hunger).

If I do get married then that means I get to avoid zina, but the problem is I enjoy being by myself and if I have a spouse that means I cant be alone. I also cant/dont get attached to people for various reasons. But if I just have a wife for the sake of getting laid thats just... wrong in my  view, I cant just force myself or pretend to love them when I dont.

These are not all the reasons but the most important ones in my opinion.

Other things worth mentioning: I am 18, male.  Haven't been able to ask for help from our scholars because they are uneducated/scarce where I live. Dont want to do mutah for same reasons stated above.

Unironically considering to castrate myself at this point

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Umm...  Try fasting.  Continue drinking water, but avoid all food.  Eat just once a day.  Studies not only show that this may be healthy for you, it also reduces your desires.  Trust me, I personally do it, it works.  Also, find something to keep yourself busy with, that also helps.  Get a job, or two, make some big time money.  Use that money to enjoy other things in life. 

Also, you're 18.  I've known plenty of people who've said they're never getting married up until their 20's.  Then, all of a sudden, they grow more emotionally and socially and get married.

Remember, castration is permanent.  However you can go the chemical castration route.  That's typically reserved for child molesters and what have you, but if that floats your boat, do it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just look into mutah man. Don't take my word for it, but I'm pretty it's not as serious as permanent marriage, and I heard to do it it's only like one Arabic sentence. I don't think your life will be disrupted or anything too much. Also, again don't take my word for it but I've heard that when one is at the risk of committing these kinds of sins, it is WAJIB to get married. So find out about mutah asap, it's seems like your best option.  

Aside from mutah, abstain form environments where these sorts of desires are triggered, stay away from these spaces as much as possible! When you try to keep yourself in a "safe" environment, you'll naturally just stop thinking about it so much, environment makes a huge difference! Practice social hijab! Don't mix with and befriend the na mehram! Keep your gaze low! That first small haram act such as the gaze opens doors to a lot more haram acts...

Don't even think about zina bro, it's just too much of a terrible sin for one to commit. There are SERIOUS consequences for it in THIS world and the next!

Every man goes through these kinds of problems, you're not the only one. But why should you be that one WEAK guy to screw up.

I believe you can easily get out of this mess dude, don't get hopeless! Hopelessness is condemned in Islam.

And don't LOL what the heck, scratch that dumb castration idea from your head.

Remember, Allah is watching! Also, the Imam (atfs) of our time can see us as well, so just think about that...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

if you are in the intense situation be sure that is Allah's examen, any servant during his life face several difficult  examine from God, especially in younger ages, suppose you in Serat bridge(a narrow bridge in the hereafter that all people must be passed it  and if failed then their refuge is hell)  so your choice today affect your passing in hereafter so think all time about this that makes you immune to do something Haram(sin)

for immunizing of doing Haram especially in lust desires the following is  recommended : 

  • remember you death and laying under the ground
  • pray and ask help from God and recite Quran more
  • attach adequate supplication and  Towba to any minor sin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem is that masturbating (zina with yourself) has changed your brain chemistry -  as you can commit zina but you are not able to form connection with girls. 

This is why masturbation is wrong, it has changed your perception of 'love' - you don't value it anymore.

My advice - try to fight your desires and never even think of masturbating. Inshallah your brain chemistry will change over time and you won't think of castrating yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

there is a famous and beautiful narration for Imam Hossein that inspired  piety and virtue :

a man visited Imam and said :

I'm a sinner man and I can't get rid of sins, advise me 

Imam said :

perform five things and the do any sin you wish

  1. don't Eat and drink of Allah’s provision and then do any sins you wish 
  2. go out of Allah's territory and then do any sins you wish 
  3. find a place that Allah's doesn't see you and then do any sins you wish 
  4. when Azrael visit you to take your soul (make you dead) avoid him and then do any sins you wish 
  5. when keeper of hell want to enter you in the hell refuse he and then do any sins you wish 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, coldcow said:

Umm...  Try fasting.  Continue drinking water, but avoid all food.  Eat just once a day.  Studies not only show that this may be healthy for you, it also reduces your desires.  Trust me, I personally do it, it works.  Also, find something to keep yourself busy with, that also helps.  Get a job, or two, make some big time money.  Use that money to enjoy other things in life. 

Also, you're 18.  I've known plenty of people who've said they're never getting married up until their 20's.  Then, all of a sudden, they grow more emotionally and socially and get married.

Remember, castration is permanent.  However you can go the chemical castration route.  That's typically reserved for child molesters and what have you, but if that floats your boat, do it.

I know fasting works, it has personally worked for me but wierd thing is ive never really thought about trying it out... however I need to eat more than usual because I need to get fit because the lifestyle I plan on having requires it but I guess I need to make an exception.

Im currently unemployed but inshallah I'll get a job soon.

Thanks for  your input

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, 068722073 said:

Just look into mutah man. Don't take my word for it, but I'm pretty it's not as serious as permanent marriage, and I heard to do it it's only like one Arabic sentence. I don't think your life will be disrupted or anything too much. Also, again don't take my word for it but I've heard that when one is at the risk of committing these kinds of sins, it is WAJIB to get married. So find out about mutah asap, it's seems like your best option.  

Aside from mutah, abstain form environments where these sorts of desires are triggered, stay away from these spaces as much as possible! When you try to keep yourself in a "safe" environment, you'll naturally just stop thinking about it so much, environment makes a huge difference! Practice social hijab! Don't mix with and befriend the na mehram! Keep your gaze low! That first small haram act such as the gaze opens doors to a lot more haram acts...

Don't even think about zina bro, it's just too much of a terrible sin for one to commit. There are SERIOUS consequences for it in THIS world and the next!

Every man goes through these kinds of problems, you're not the only one. But why should you be that one WEAK guy to screw up.

I believe you can easily get out of this mess dude, don't get hopeless! Hopelessness is condemned in Islam.

And don't LOL what the heck, scratch that dumb castration idea from your head.

Remember, Allah is watching! Also, the Imam (atfs) of our time can see us as well, so just think about that...

Yeah that's what troubles me, marriage is wajib but well as I said I dont really want to do it but hey im just a petty mortal what do I know? Not  really sure about mutah women dont really like me anyways I dont really know of anyone that I can do with (Almost none shia where I live).

As for staying in an enviroment that does not trigger desires well thats impossible unless im in an masjid. Where I live with no exaggeration everywhere I go theres zina (advertisements, appearance of women etc.) I know just lower your gaze but if I do that to full extent im no different than a blind person.

Hopelessness? This I am not, I am just in extreme need of help and not entirely sure what to do. Also castration was just a petty little joke, not really about to do that haha.

thanks for your  input

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

The problem is that masturbating (zina with yourself) has changed your brain chemistry -  as you can commit zina but you are not able to form connection with girls. 

This is why masturbation is wrong, it has changed your perception of 'love' - you don't value it anymore.

My advice - try to fight your desires and never even think of masturbating. Inshallah your brain chemistry will change over time and you won't think of castrating yourself.

Yep I am aware of the dangers of masturbation, that is why I wish to avoid it. Wierd thing is if I abstain from  masturbation for a very long time I still cant connect with women.

Guess  I just need better self-control

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Sayed Hossein said:

there is a famous and beautiful narration for Imam Hossein that inspired  piety and virtue :

a man visited Imam and said :

I'm a sinner man and I can't get rid of sins, advise me 

Imam said :

perform five things and the do any sin you wish

  1. don't Eat and drink of Allah’s provision and then do any sins you wish 
  2. go out of Allah's territory and then do any sins you wish 
  3. find a place that Allah's doesn't see you and then do any sins you wish 
  4. when Azrael visit you to take your soul (make you dead) avoid him and then do any sins you wish 
  5. when keeper of hell want to enter you in the hell refuse he and then do any sins you wish 

I didn't quite understand this narration, care to elaborate?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/25/2018 at 7:16 PM, YungHijazi said:

Salam

Let me first start by saying that I am not against marriage In fact I highly encourage it however I just personally dont want to do it, which I will explain later.

I don't want to get married but I also want to avoid zina but I know that I cannot have both choices. If I avoid marriage that means sooner or later I will commit zina either with myself or another individual (most likely the former). Its basically me saying "I dont want to eat anymore" because no matter how much I try sexual desires are a part of a humans need which needs to be satisfied  somehow (Just like hunger).

If I do get married then that means I get to avoid zina, but the problem is I enjoy being by myself and if I have a spouse that means I cant be alone. I also cant/dont get attached to people for various reasons. But if I just have a wife for the sake of getting laid thats just... wrong in my  view, I cant just force myself or pretend to love them when I dont.

These are not all the reasons but the most important ones in my opinion.

Other things worth mentioning: I am 18, male.  Haven't been able to ask for help from our scholars because they are uneducated/scarce where I live. Dont want to do mutah for same reasons stated above.

Unironically considering to castrate myself at this point

I think marriage / not marriage is not you main problem. IMHO, your main problem is the fact that you can't get attached to people. If you can't find at least a few people that you enjoy spending time with, then you need to work on that first. That is a symptom of a very bad spiritual problem. I don't want to say it, because maybe I am misreading the intention behind your post. But you need think about why you can't get attached to people. 

Also, if you get married, that doesn't mean you and your spouse become Siamese twins, lol.  You can still spend time alone. If you spend time actively working on having a good relationship with your spouse, you will actually enjoy spending time with her (some people call this 'Love'). 

The reason why marriage is the most mustahab of all the mustahabat but at the same time not wajib is for a few reasons. 

Why it is not wajib is because there are some people who really (for one reason or another) can't get married for a certain period of time. Since not doing the wajibat results in punishment from Allah(s.w.a), Allah(s.w.a) would never punish someone for not doing something which they did not have ability to do, because Allah(s.w.a) is Just. At the same time, there are very few people who are actually in this extreme situation and very many people who make excuses and justifications as to why they can't get married when they actually can, and this has become very fashionable these days amoung the ummah, with devastating consequences, as you can probably see. 

It is very mustahab because there are so many benefits, both spiritually, physically and socially. The spiritual benefit is the greatest and most profound of all the benefits, which is why anyone who is at all interested in progressing spiritually should be married. There are too many hadith regarding this, but if you are still not convinced I will post some. As it says in the Holy Quran, 'your spouse is a clothing(covering for you)', meaning that cloths are meant to cover your defects and protect you from cold, heat, sunlight, and the prying eyes of others. In the same way, your spouse protects you and covers your defects and this protections allows you to focus on your relationship with Allah(s.w.a). Also, when you physical needs are satisfied, you have more focus and more energy to focus on the important things in life, like developing your relationship with Allah(s.w.a) and making a good life for yourself and your family. Without the level of protection, covering of defects, and physical satisfaction that marriage provides, you are constantly fighting a battle against your nafs, constantly losing focus, and constantly having your defects exposed (either to yourself or others) so all this distracts you from the real purpose of life, which is to progress spiritually. But wait....there's more

We are created by Allah(s.w.a) to live in groups, in families, communities, and nations, not as individuals. Marriage is the basis or building block of society. With healthy marriages come a healthy family, a healthy community, and a healthy society. From lack of marriage or unhealthy marriages comes an unhealthy family and an unhealthy society. When you get married and work to maintain a healthy marriage, you are actually contributing to the community and society where you live, in addition to progressing spiritually as an individual. You are actually making the world a better place. Isn't that neat ! In addition to your personal reward from Allah(s.w.a), you are also rewarded for the benefits you give to the society where you live thru your marriage. One of these benefits is good children, which is Sadaqat jariyya, but there are others also. You are actually helping the religion of Islam itself to continue and flourish. You will only live a certain number of years and then you will die, and your individual capacity for gaining hasanat will be over, unless you grow that hasanat thru Sadaqat jarriaya and the easiest way to do this is thru a healthy marriage. 

Some people say that, well what if your children grow up to be bad people ? 

The answer is that Allah(s.w.a) rewards or punishes based on your niyyat(intention followed up by action in the direction of your intention), not the result. If your niyyat is to raise good children and you take all necessary and reasonable steps to do that, then you will be rewarded. Also, many times children go thru a phase in their life where they go 'off track' but later on regain their Iman and end up becoming good people who do good in the society. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s not true that if you have a spouse that you will never be alone. You may just desire more alone time than the average person, which is completely fine. 

Fear of the unknown or losing freedom shouldn’t prevent you from getting married. Just ensure to choose the right partner.

Dont get married for the sake of fulfilling your sexual desires (I’m sure you know this.) while having sexual desires is natural and healthy and being intimate with your future spouse is healthy, it shouldn’t be your main motivation for marriage.

Unfortunately, in many Eastern cultures, people care less about general compatibility and care more about fulfilling their sexual desires when it comes to a spouse. The amount of people who get married for sex is astounding. The modern notion of “test-driving” is no better.

There should be a balance. Get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you are compatible with. Maybe you’re not ready, and that’s okay, so if you’re not ready for the emotional and mental commitment of marriage, I would recommend that you remain patient within this test. 

But also understand that sexually desiring someone is not a sin, or wanting to fulfilling your sexual urges. Allah put these desires in people to propel them to find someone suitable. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, YungHijazi said:

Yep I am aware of the dangers of masturbation, that is why I wish to avoid it. Wierd thing is if I abstain from  masturbation for a very long time I still cant connect with women.

Guess  I just need better self-control

Abstaining from masturbation will not magically help you connect with women if you still isolate yourself. As you said 'connecting with people', be they men or women is your problem, then you really have to force yourself to be more social. Apart from abstaining from masturbation, try to spend less time on social media as it is a big waste of time. Step outside, and interact with people. I know it might be annoying and uncomfortable at first, but you'll definitely love it eventually. You'll come across a lot of cool people who'll share common interests with you. Therefore, don't let your mind trick you into thinking that 'you can't connect with people'. Humans by nature love forming bonds with people, and even you do. Maybe you just haven't found the right ones!

Sorry to say this, but maybe some people don't feel connected to you, given that your social skills are bad (you know more than me). If people don't feel connected with you, then you'll not feel connected with them too. Therefore, there is a possibility that you might need to brush up your social skills.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...