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In the Name of God بسم الله
Rayhana80

Divorce grounds

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30 minutes ago, notme said:

Happiness is not the purpose of life, and you aren't the only person in this family who will be affected if you leave.  This advice is dangerous.  If your husband is abusive, definitely you should leave him, no doubt about that.  If you just find him repulsive and will not be able to forgive him, you can ask for khula, but your children will be hurt by it.  You have to weigh the benefit to you and the harm to them.

I've been divorced twice, once before I became Muslim.  It isn't something to be taken lightly.  My first divorce, my husband had threatened to molest our young children.  He's now living "as a woman" and in a mental hospital, in the care of his mother.  The second, I mentioned before: my then-husband never supported us financially.  In addition, he was emotionally abusive and tried to prevent me from following Islam, though he was "a good well-educated Syed Shia man from a good family" and wanted his community to think he was masoom. 

How dare you tell her that her own happiness doesn't matter? 

Rayhana, don't listen to these people. "think of the children" excuse is all BS coming from mysogynists. If you have girls in particular, you will be setting a good example for them by leaving this situation. The children have already been damaged by their father's actions. You'll be doing your kids a favor by taking them and leaving him, if you can. 

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1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes I am working right now.. I don’t need my husband’s money to support myself and my kids but he is still willing to do it.. it’s not an easy decision .. I have kids, can’t deprive them of their father love.. I believe in the saying when Allah brings you to it, He will get you through it ..I am being patient.. 

Do you have daughters? 

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1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes I am working right now.. I don’t need my husband’s money to support myself and my kids but he is still willing to do it.. it’s not an easy decision .. I have kids, can’t deprive them of their father love.. I believe in the saying when Allah brings you to it, He will get you through it ..I am being patient.. 

Rayhana, they're using your own children as a weapon against you. 

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11 minutes ago, lola20 said:

The children have already been hurt, any further harm they suffer will be caused by the father. Not by what she decides to do in this devastating situation.  

Sure, children are hurt when their parents fight. But it's not true that she has no responsibility toward their stable and secure upbringing. Both parents are responsible 100% for the children - that means if one parent isn't fulfilling their obligations, it becomes the obligation of the other parent. And if one parent is causing harm, it is the obligation of the other parent to protect the child from that harm. 

6 minutes ago, lola20 said:

How dare you tell her that her own happiness doesn't matter? 

I didn't say her happiness doesn't matter. I said happiness isn't the purpose of life and she should weigh any benefit against the harm.

Why are you so adamantly against this family? What is your stake in it, or your own personal preconception that makes you so eager to see divorce? Divorce is the most detested halal act. It isn't something take lightly. 

@lola20, I'm guessing you're not a parent. 

Edited by notme
Typo

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I'm the daughter of a woman who had this same thing happen to her. She stayed married to my father because she didn't have a choice. I have no love for him and he still lives with us and I resent her every minute for staying with him. 

Stop pretending you know how the children will feel. My guess is they hate their dad right now. 

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I would hate to see one more woman in this world concede to being a second wife because her children were used against her. 

None of you see how damaging this is to family and society, I will shout for her to divorce this guy because this is a disgusting pattern I've seen throughout my life and YOU notme are a perpetrator of it. You should be ashamed of the words coming out of your mouth. 

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Just now, lola20 said:

Stop pretending you know how the children will feel. My guess is they hate their dad right now. 

Neither of us knows. Nobody really knows but the children themselves, and even what they feel will change over time. We just do the best we can. 

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Just now, notme said:

Neither of us knows. Nobody really knows but the children themselves, and even what they feel will change over time. We just do the best we can. 

They deserve better than a crappy father. 

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Rayhana, YOU matter, not just your children. Don't concede to this BS because you're afraid what will happen to them. They'll be ok. I know I can't tell you what to do but if it were me in this situation I'd go to the extreme measures, I'd go on a hunger strike and threaten them until they grant me the divorce. 

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@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

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Just now, notme said:

@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

1. The Islamic Law is evil. 

2. The father is evil for doing this to Rayhana. 

3. Rayhana should fight tooth and nail in a civil court for shared custody of the kids because that barbaric law is meaningless in the U.S., thank god. 

Rayhana, please don't concede, don't give up. You need to be a thorn in this guy's side and make his life a living hell for what he did to you. He has to know that what he has done has consequences. 

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4 minutes ago, notme said:

@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

You're giving bad advice based on what women should have done in savage medieval times when it was acceptable to treat women like trash. 

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On 13/02/2018 at 1:53 PM, Hamodiii said:

The husband gets a new wife, like it's from a store... and the women try to ruin it... 

yes, i went shopping the other day and bought me a new wife. Life is so easy.......

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3 minutes ago, lola20 said:

Hey monad it sounds to me like you have a problem with women having basic rights. It must bother you that I'm speaking out against this barbarism. Why don't you go join the Saudi clerics or the Taliban? You clearly would fit  right in. 

young lady. I pasted you a book with the laws. Go read it. They are actually fair and give permission to the op for divorce. And instead of spouting opinion, it would be appropriate to read the book and discuss the laws academically, especially where and what the disgreements are with the current timelines. :pushup2:

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