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Rayhana80

Divorce grounds

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1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

Even if I move, they would not leave me alone. My sister moved to another state and they are still controlling her. Also, I don't know anyone outside of community. If I have to move out, I will take help from a woman's shelter. 

Can you become financially independent? I know from experience this will give you a lot more power. 

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On 2/12/2018 at 6:18 PM, Rayhana80 said:

Can a wife ask for divorce if her husband wants a second wife even if he agrees on supporting her financially? 

Rayhana, you don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage you're not happy in. Are you in a position where you can leave the situation and sustain yourself financially until you find a solution? Can you get a job? 

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15 minutes ago, lola20 said:

Rayhana, you don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage you're not happy in. Are you in a position where you can leave the situation and sustain yourself financially until you find a solution? Can you get a job? 

Yes I am working right now.. I don’t need my husband’s money to support myself and my kids but he is still willing to do it.. it’s not an easy decision .. I have kids, can’t deprive them of their father love.. I believe in the saying when Allah brings you to it, He will get you through it ..I am being patient.. 

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59 minutes ago, lola20 said:

Rayhana, you don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage you're not happy in. Are you in a position where you can leave the situation and sustain yourself financially until you find a solution? Can you get a job? 

Happiness is not the purpose of life, and you aren't the only person in this family who will be affected if you leave.  This advice is dangerous.  If your husband is abusive, definitely you should leave him, no doubt about that.  If you just find him repulsive and will not be able to forgive him, you can ask for khula, but your children will be hurt by it.  You have to weigh the benefit to you and the harm to them.

I've been divorced twice, once before I became Muslim.  It isn't something to be taken lightly.  My first divorce, my husband had threatened to molest our young children.  He's now living "as a woman" and in a mental hospital, in the care of his mother.  The second, I mentioned before: my then-husband never supported us financially.  In addition, he was emotionally abusive and tried to prevent me from following Islam, though he was "a good well-educated Syed Shia man from a good family" and wanted his community to think he was masoom. 

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26 minutes ago, notme said:

Happiness is not the purpose of life, and you aren't the only person in this family who will be affected if you leave.  This advice is dangerous.  If your husband is abusive, definitely you should leave him, no doubt about that.  If you just find him repulsive and will not be able to forgive him, you can ask for khula, but your children will be hurt by it.  You have to weigh the benefit to you and the harm to them.

I've been divorced twice, once before I became Muslim.  It isn't something to be taken lightly.  My first divorce, my husband had threatened to molest our young children.  He's now living "as a woman" and in a mental hospital, in the care of his mother.  The second, I mentioned before: my then-husband never supported us financially.  In addition, he was emotionally abusive and tried to prevent me from following Islam, though he was "a good well-educated Syed Shia man from a good family" and wanted his community to think he was masoom. 

The children have already been hurt, any further harm they suffer will be caused by the father. Not by what she decides to do in this devastating situation.  

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30 minutes ago, notme said:

Happiness is not the purpose of life, and you aren't the only person in this family who will be affected if you leave.  This advice is dangerous.  If your husband is abusive, definitely you should leave him, no doubt about that.  If you just find him repulsive and will not be able to forgive him, you can ask for khula, but your children will be hurt by it.  You have to weigh the benefit to you and the harm to them.

I've been divorced twice, once before I became Muslim.  It isn't something to be taken lightly.  My first divorce, my husband had threatened to molest our young children.  He's now living "as a woman" and in a mental hospital, in the care of his mother.  The second, I mentioned before: my then-husband never supported us financially.  In addition, he was emotionally abusive and tried to prevent me from following Islam, though he was "a good well-educated Syed Shia man from a good family" and wanted his community to think he was masoom. 

How dare you tell her that her own happiness doesn't matter? 

Rayhana, don't listen to these people. "think of the children" excuse is all BS coming from mysogynists. If you have girls in particular, you will be setting a good example for them by leaving this situation. The children have already been damaged by their father's actions. You'll be doing your kids a favor by taking them and leaving him, if you can. 

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1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes I am working right now.. I don’t need my husband’s money to support myself and my kids but he is still willing to do it.. it’s not an easy decision .. I have kids, can’t deprive them of their father love.. I believe in the saying when Allah brings you to it, He will get you through it ..I am being patient.. 

Do you have daughters? 

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1 hour ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes I am working right now.. I don’t need my husband’s money to support myself and my kids but he is still willing to do it.. it’s not an easy decision .. I have kids, can’t deprive them of their father love.. I believe in the saying when Allah brings you to it, He will get you through it ..I am being patient.. 

Rayhana, they're using your own children as a weapon against you. 

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11 minutes ago, lola20 said:

The children have already been hurt, any further harm they suffer will be caused by the father. Not by what she decides to do in this devastating situation.  

Sure, children are hurt when their parents fight. But it's not true that she has no responsibility toward their stable and secure upbringing. Both parents are responsible 100% for the children - that means if one parent isn't fulfilling their obligations, it becomes the obligation of the other parent. And if one parent is causing harm, it is the obligation of the other parent to protect the child from that harm. 

6 minutes ago, lola20 said:

How dare you tell her that her own happiness doesn't matter? 

I didn't say her happiness doesn't matter. I said happiness isn't the purpose of life and she should weigh any benefit against the harm.

Why are you so adamantly against this family? What is your stake in it, or your own personal preconception that makes you so eager to see divorce? Divorce is the most detested halal act. It isn't something take lightly. 

@lola20, I'm guessing you're not a parent. 

Edited by notme
Typo

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I'm the daughter of a woman who had this same thing happen to her. She stayed married to my father because she didn't have a choice. I have no love for him and he still lives with us and I resent her every minute for staying with him. 

Stop pretending you know how the children will feel. My guess is they hate their dad right now. 

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I would hate to see one more woman in this world concede to being a second wife because her children were used against her. 

None of you see how damaging this is to family and society, I will shout for her to divorce this guy because this is a disgusting pattern I've seen throughout my life and YOU notme are a perpetrator of it. You should be ashamed of the words coming out of your mouth. 

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Just now, lola20 said:

Stop pretending you know how the children will feel. My guess is they hate their dad right now. 

Neither of us knows. Nobody really knows but the children themselves, and even what they feel will change over time. We just do the best we can. 

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Just now, notme said:

Neither of us knows. Nobody really knows but the children themselves, and even what they feel will change over time. We just do the best we can. 

They deserve better than a crappy father. 

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Rayhana, YOU matter, not just your children. Don't concede to this BS because you're afraid what will happen to them. They'll be ok. I know I can't tell you what to do but if it were me in this situation I'd go to the extreme measures, I'd go on a hunger strike and threaten them until they grant me the divorce. 

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@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

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Just now, notme said:

@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

1. The Islamic Law is evil. 

2. The father is evil for doing this to Rayhana. 

3. Rayhana should fight tooth and nail in a civil court for shared custody of the kids because that barbaric law is meaningless in the U.S., thank god. 

Rayhana, please don't concede, don't give up. You need to be a thorn in this guy's side and make his life a living hell for what he did to you. He has to know that what he has done has consequences. 

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4 minutes ago, notme said:

@lola20 all I said is to not take divorce lightly and consider the harm along with the benefit. I firmly stand by my advice. 

Divorce is permitted, but it has consequences. 

Did you know that under Islamic law, the father is supposed to get full custody of the children if they are over seven years? It would have to be really awful for a woman to consent to living without her children. (Unless the father is abusive or not following Islam, in which case the mother might be able to keep custody, or if the mother disregards this Islamic law and takes things to civil court, which will result in joint custody in 9/10 cases, so she'd still have to interact with the man.)

You're giving bad advice based on what women should have done in savage medieval times when it was acceptable to treat women like trash. 

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On 13/02/2018 at 1:53 PM, Hamodiii said:

The husband gets a new wife, like it's from a store... and the women try to ruin it... 

yes, i went shopping the other day and bought me a new wife. Life is so easy.......

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3 minutes ago, lola20 said:

Hey monad it sounds to me like you have a problem with women having basic rights. It must bother you that I'm speaking out against this barbarism. Why don't you go join the Saudi clerics or the Taliban? You clearly would fit  right in. 

young lady. I pasted you a book with the laws. Go read it. They are actually fair and give permission to the op for divorce. And instead of spouting opinion, it would be appropriate to read the book and discuss the laws academically, especially where and what the disgreements are with the current timelines. :pushup2:

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Just now, monad said:

young lady. I pasted you a book with the laws. Go read it. They are actually fair and give permission to the op for divorce. And instead of spouting opinion, it would be appropriate to read the book and discuss the laws academically, especially where and what the disgreements are with the current timelines. :pushup2:

You're telling someone that thinks Islamic laws are evil to go read an Islamic book, I don't think that will help...

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10 minutes ago, Hassan- said:

You're telling someone that thinks Islamic laws are evil to go read an Islamic book, I don't think that will help...

well, we have to establish why the persons thinks the laws are evil and what laws. To think or to accept something as evil, that something must have demonstrated it self as evil, hence that supposition. but they should point it out, as written, so they cannot embrassass themselves.

There are many issues I disagree with it and I point them out if I think it be suitable or a pointless endeavour. Poor experiences and struggles of life create resentment and anger, that is why one should seek revenge and not cry over it, or forgive and walk away from it or give me all their monies.

Edited by monad

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8 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

Yes Alhumdulillah I am blessed with two beautiful daughters and one son. 

Then my advice is to think about what kind of example you would set for your daughters. Would you want them to experience what you are experiencing right now, would you want them to concede in a situation like this? There has to be solidarity between you and your daughters, at the very least.

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52 minutes ago, notme said:

Neither of us knows. Nobody really knows but the children themselves, and even what they feel will change over time. We just do the best we can. 

My kids love their father because I do not talk bad about him in front of them. I want them to respect him not for what he did but for who he is. They surely do not like when we argue or fight so I keep them away from it and striving hard to work it out. It’s not easy! The thought of him cheated on me kills me everyday. I know i am not alone, there are many women going through similar situation everyday. May Allah give us all patience. Thank you for the input, and understanding really appreciate it. 

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21 minutes ago, monad said:

well, we have to establish why the persons thinks the laws are evil and what laws. To think or to accept something as evil, that something must have demonstrated it self as evil, hence that supposition. but they should point it out, as written, so they cannot embrassass themselves.

There are many issues I disagree with it and I point them out if I think it be suitable or a pointless endeavour. Poor experiences and struggles of life create resentment and anger, that is why one should seek revenge and not cry over it, or forgive and walk away from it or give me all their monies.

1. Don't call me young lady.

2. I read that book. It's rich saying that a woman can't divorce her husband based on her emotions, but a dude can beat up his wife and then divorce her if he's angry with her. Don't even try to deny this, it's in the Quran, and I work in a mental health clinic with women who suffer from domestic violence who are primarily Muslim women.

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44 minutes ago, Hassan- said:

You're telling someone that thinks Islamic laws are evil to go read an Islamic book, I don't think that will help...

Dude I have read the Quran and I have read my Islamic books and I was put through Islamic schools growing up. My opinion is based on the Islamic education I have received, and on my own lived experience as a Shia Muslim, not my own preconceived notions.

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15 minutes ago, Rayhana80 said:

My kids love their father because I do not talk bad about him in front of them. I want them to respect him not for what he did but for who he is. They surely do not like when we argue or fight so I keep them away from it and striving hard to work it out. It’s not easy! The thought of him cheated on me kills me everyday. I know i am not alone, there are many women going through similar situation everyday. May Allah give us all patience. Thank you for the input, and understanding really appreciate it. 

Salaam Alaykum Sister

I was grown in a family that parents fought each other a lot. They haven't talked with each other for 35 years. Sometimes they tried(very few times) to make relationship correct, but more than 99 percent of the time, they fight. Now I set with my brothers that each time one of us must be at home. We don't leave our parents alone at home because it has severe consequences. It's very hard for us that one brother must be at home always(one time me, another time my second brother and so on). My father got a second wife almost 20 years ago, and my mum found out. My dad also did Mutah when my mum disregarded his physical needs. They sleep separately. All of these things made argument a consistent feature of our family. It is so bad that our neighbors know that my family is fighting all the time. A few of months back I called my mum and dad and told them to forgive each other. I told them you are getting old now(they are 55), let's forgive each other and be happy together. I told my mum best thing you can get from this world is your husband's will. Non of my parents did anything. My dad did an action, but my mum didn't. I am really fed-up of this situation. One time one of the oldest relatives in our family came to our house to make the relationship correct. Both my parents argued each other in front of him. It was a complete shame for family reputation.

The only thing that killed my childhood happiness, was parents fight. My parents fought each other a lot, and it had SEVERE effects on us. PLEASE don't fight with your husband in front of your children. Please don't raise your voice. These are the words from a person who suffered from this.

To be honest with you, I never blame my dad for getting second wife or doing Mutah. These things don't ruin family. Disrespecting each other, consistent argument, not caring, ruining each other integrity in front of other people, etc ruin family. Let me be clear and direct to the point with you. How did you treat your husband? Have you asked this question from yourself? Have you been responsive to his sexual and emotional needs? Men are in need of their wife's attention. They need to rely on their wife. Did you give this security and safety to your husband? Have you ever asked him: "Am I a good wife to you?" Have you ever asked him: "Am I responsive to your needs? Do you feel happy with me?" Did you tell him that  you want to be his favorite girl? Ask him these questions and do Jihad to get his satisfaction. I promise you, your husband will not leave you at all. He won't think of any girl anymore. And really try to be better for him(all of these things are two directions, and men also must do these things for their wives). If you haven't asked him those questions and didn't attempt to get his satisfaction the way he wants, I tell you divorce is not the solution. One of you must start. Start this Jihad to get his satisfaction. Try to be nice to him. I know how you feel, it's very hard, but it fixes your relationship with your husband. Be nice to him. Approach him sometimes. Try to get his satisfaction. Call him during the day. Tell him how much you miss him. Send kids to your mum's house one night each month, make a perfect dinner and enjoy together. I promise you, these actions change your husband a lot. It's very hard especially in your current situation, but it gives you security that he would never do second wife again. You will be his priority, and he takes care of you. It is very hard, but it has unbelievable outcomes. I see some women who check their husband online activities, they check their cell phones, they check if there's a female perfume in their car, but ask them this question. Have you ever spent a fraction of that time to text your husband"I miss you the most"? Have you ever asked your husband "Am I a perfect wife to you?". I am a man. If I see that I am my wife's priority, I never ever think of leaving her or second wife.

Don't listen to people who tell you divorce. Fight for your family to make it better. Try to have better relationship with your husband. Follow those steps. They change your husband.

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@AmirAlmuminin Lover! I am sorry to say but you sound very immature. When I was little, yes I complained about my parents' fighting, but when I grew up, I realized that their problems and struggles were much bigger than my stupid little problems and all the "negative" effects I had due to their fighting. People say that sons support their mothers. I am surprised that how are you so easily blaming your mother? My mother also probably did most of the fighting, but whenever she goes somewhere I become target for my father's emotional and psychological torture. He is a sadist and really has some big psychological problems. I don't know how my mother protects me from him, whenever she is around, I never see his evil side. You will also probably realize the value of your mother when your wife will enter your life. Then you will suddenly realize how much sacrifices you mother has made for you and you will expect your wife to suffer like her. I can bet, after you get married, you will recite long khutbas about greatness of your mother and how she was such a perfect wife.

To the OP! You are already doing enough, you don't have to put any extra effort to compete with his second wife. Most men are kinky, if he will see you being nice, his ego will boost and he will become even more abusive. When I was married, everyone told me that my husband would fall in love with me If I tried to be nice with him, but it always had the opposite effect. Remember my words, 95% of men are KINKY. They like to chase women, and they will only give you respect if you show them you don't care about them, or if you show them there are other men interested in you and you provide your husband with competition. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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2 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

They like to chase women, and they will only give you respect if you show them you don't care about them, or if you show them there are other men interested in you and you provide your husband with competition.

Those people might be males, but they aren't men. 

And some, not most. That's why I always say people should be very careful who they marry. 

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49 minutes ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Salaam Alaykum Sister

I was grown in a family that parents fought each other a lot. They haven't talked with each other for 35 years. Sometimes they tried(very few times) to make relationship correct, but more than 99 percent of the time, they fight. Now I set with my brothers that each time one of us must be at home. We don't leave our parents alone at home because it has severe consequences. It's very hard for us that one brother must be at home always(one time me, another time my second brother and so on). My father got a second wife almost 20 years ago, and my mum found out. My dad also did Mutah when my mum disregarded his physical needs. They sleep separately. All of these things made argument a consistent feature of our family. It is so bad that our neighbors know that my family is fighting all the time. A few of months back I called my mum and dad and told them to forgive each other. I told them you are getting old now(they are 55), let's forgive each other and be happy together. I told my mum best thing you can get from this world is your husband's will. Non of my parents did anything. My dad did an action, but my mum didn't. I am really fed-up of this situation. One time one of the oldest relatives in our family came to our house to make the relationship correct. Both my parents argued each other in front of him. It was a complete shame for family reputation.

The only thing that killed my childhood happiness, was parents fight. My parents fought each other a lot, and it had SEVERE effects on us. PLEASE don't fight with your husband in front of your children. Please don't raise your voice. These are the words from a person who suffered from this.

To be honest with you, I never blame my dad for getting second wife or doing Mutah. These things don't ruin family. Disrespecting each other, consistent argument, not caring, ruining each other integrity in front of other people, etc ruin family. Let me be clear and direct to the point with you. How did you treat your husband? Have you asked this question from yourself? Have you been responsive to his sexual and emotional needs? Men are in need of their wife's attention. They need to rely on their wife. Did you give this security and safety to your husband? Have you ever asked him: "Am I a good wife to you?" Have you ever asked him: "Am I responsive to your needs? Do you feel happy with me?" Did you tell him that  you want to be his favorite girl? Ask him these questions and do Jihad to get his satisfaction. I promise you, your husband will not leave you at all. He won't think of any girl anymore. And really try to be better for him(all of these things are two directions, and men also must do these things for their wives). If you haven't asked him those questions and didn't attempt to get his satisfaction the way he wants, I tell you divorce is not the solution. One of you must start. Start this Jihad to get his satisfaction. Try to be nice to him. I know how you feel, it's very hard, but it fixes your relationship with your husband. Be nice to him. Approach him sometimes. Try to get his satisfaction. Call him during the day. Tell him how much you miss him. Send kids to your mum's house one night each month, make a perfect dinner and enjoy together. I promise you, these actions change your husband a lot. It's very hard especially in your current situation, but it gives you security that he would never do second wife again. You will be his priority, and he takes care of you. It is very hard, but it has unbelievable outcomes. I see some women who check their husband online activities, they check their cell phones, they check if there's a female perfume in their car, but ask them this question. Have you ever spent a fraction of that time to text your husband"I miss you the most"? Have you ever asked your husband "Am I a perfect wife to you?". I am a man. If I see that I am my wife's priority, I never ever think of leaving her or second wife.

Don't listen to people who tell you divorce. Fight for your family to make it better. Try to have better relationship with your husband. Follow those steps. They change your husband.

JazakAllah for your input.. really appreciate it. My case is beyond that, he has a second wife and she has replaced me in his life.. I have never seen him doing thing he does for her which breaks my heart. Believe me I have always tried my best to keep him happy in whichever way I could. Some people are just ungrateful. I have left my case in Allah’s hand now, I know I did nothing wrong InshaAllah nothing bad will happen to me as well, and even if it did, I know it’s a trial from Allah and I will be patient. 

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@rkazmi33

When I was back in Iran, I used to kiss my mum's hands and feet everyday. I was the only person in our family who used to do that to my mum. Sometimes I made breakfast and bring it on her bed. I used to dye her hair every time she wanted. My brothers always complained that I am so kind to mum. You don't know anything of my relationship with my mum, but I always regret something. I say myself if my mum was responsive to my dad's needs(even though he did a lot of bad things to my mum), I would love my mum more. I would ready to do and sacrifice more for my mum.

I didn't say that much about my dad. He made me upset a lot of times because of his negligence to family. I expect him more. When I told my dad go and be nice to mum, he sound regretful. I told him, I'm afraid of the day that Allah asks you about family in afterlife. He did bad things to family, but I felt he regret what he did in the past. I think both my mum and dad should give each other another chance to make the past correct.

To OP, follow Islamic solution. Affection changes everything.

Edited by AmirAlmuminin Lover

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13 minutes ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

@rkazmi33

When I was back in Iran, I used to kiss my mum's hands and feet everyday. I was the only person in our family who used to do that to my mum. Sometimes I made breakfast and bring it on her bed. I used to dye her hair every time she wanted. My brothers always complained that I am so kind to mum. You don't know anything of my relationship with my mum, but I always regret something. I say myself if my mum was responsive to my dad's needs(even though he did a lot of bad things to my mum), I would love my mum more. I would ready to do and sacrifice more for my mum.

I didn't say that much about my dad. He made me upset a lot of times because of his negligence to family. I expect him more. My dad was abusive, but when I told my dad go and be nice to mum, he cried. I told him, I'm afraid of the day that Allah asks you about family in afterlife. He did bad things to family, but I felt he regret what he did in the past. I think both my mum and dad should give each other another chance to make the past correct.

To OP, follow Islamic solution. Affection changes everything.

Excuse me while I laugh 

you blame your mother for you not loving her more 

What is wrong with you 

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On 2/13/2018 at 10:08 AM, shiaman14 said:

Can't she get khula (annulment) without his permission?

Finally a good question and yes ofcourse she can take a khulla from her husband if she doesn't want to live with him. She has her 'will' as well

No compulsion in deen.

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On 2/13/2018 at 7:18 AM, Rayhana80 said:

Can a wife ask for divorce if her husband wants a second wife even if he agrees on supporting her financially? 

You don't need to ask him for divorce. He might be stubborn and not give you.

You have the right to take 'khulla' if you have any reason and you definitely can take khulla from him if you don't want to share him with any other female.

This is not our deen sister to be unjust with females, ofcourse you can take a khulla, u r a human and you have a life too and your feelings may not allow you to share your husband which is absolutely human and normal.

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