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In the Name of God بسم الله

Is marriage really fate (qisma)?

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Ella-Ismael

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This has been really on my mind lately, is marriage really fate. What about all the ladies who want to get married, do they just sit around and wait for someone to propose. What if they aren't getting any proposals. I'm not and probably many wouldn't go up and talk to someone because I have social anxiety and also it isn't really accepted in our culture. What if the mother doesn't have friends who could know you have a daughter of this age, who would not mind getting to know someone (with marriage in mind obviously). I just don't know if marriage is qisma as most mothers with sons are looking for the typical physical appearance for their son rather than looking at the girls deen and ikhlaq. 

It might be hard to accept this but the uglier you are in this society the harder it is to get married nowadays. It's different for the guys in this case as it is there mother who goes and asks for them. Also, how do you deal with a mother who doesn't want you to get married because you do a lot of the chores at home and looking after younger siblings especially when she is not well.

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no it isnt.

You have to make things happen in life and fix problems via solutions.

life isn;t fair, we are playing with the cards we are given. Look at what you are good at and make that work for you. See the problems in terms of scale, what actually is making it the size it is. Can you solve the problem? if yes, how?.

The genius state, learn to solve problems, not roll in them.

Well a mother cannot make such demands, however a solution should be appropriated where all parties can have a piece of the cake.

Self edcuate.

Start of with Ted talks - Jordon peterson is good, free classes MIT, Stanford, Harvard, all on YT and many more.

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Salam it is not completely by ours 

Its a  so so matter when we offer marriage to a woman beside worldly things Allah provides for us some conditions that we are not aware our results of our action but he arrange it in the best possible way for us that may be reach marriage or not but both of it has because of Allah wants the best for us.

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1 hour ago, Ella-Ismael said:

This has been really on my mind lately, is marriage really fate. What about all the ladies who want to get married, do they just sit around and wait for someone to propose. What if they aren't getting any proposals. I'm not and probably many wouldn't go up and talk to someone because I have social anxiety and also it isn't really accepted in our culture. What if the mother doesn't have friends who could know you have a daughter of this age, who would not mind getting to know someone (with marriage in mind obviously). I just don't know if marriage is qisma as most mothers with sons are looking for the typical physical appearance for their son rather than looking at the girls deen and ikhlaq. 

It might be hard to accept this but the uglier you are in this society the harder it is to get married nowadays. It's different for the guys in this case as it is there mother who goes and asks for them. Also, how do you deal with a mother who doesn't want you to get married because you do a lot of the chores at home and looking after younger siblings especially when she is not well.

This isn't just a female issue! Just you that you know... Men whom ugly struggles as much as you do! People are rather drowed in the concept of the appeal! What if the girl/guy had an disease that could affect you? And make you less pleasing, what If your face ain't pleasing to look at? What can that person do? But I think Instead of thinking negative try to think positive, now you have a chance to get closer to Allah! A chance to be with the Imam! Allah loves the one who is in worship, while the others in the donya doesn't even look at her/him.

May Allah be pleased with you!

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22 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

This isn't just a female issue! Just you that you know... Men whom ugly struggles as much as you do! People are rather drowed in the concept of the appeal! What if the girl/guy had an disease that could affect you? And make you less pleasing, what If your face ain't pleasing to look at? What can that person do? But I think Instead of thinking negative try to think positive, now you have a chance to get closer to Allah! A chance to be with the Imam! Allah loves the one who is in worship, while the others in the donya doesn't even look at her/him.

May Allah be pleased with you!

Of course it isn't just a female issue and I understand the issue from both genders. Also, I'm not claiming I'm ugly myself but I'm not up there with the coloured eyes, skinny and tall requests that a lot of guys have. I do not know any female who has a request appearance wise before meeting him, where as the guys mothers meet the girl usually before he meets her. So that's the difference in situation but it could also just be where I live.

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19 minutes ago, shiaman14 said:

I am firm believer that apart from being born and dying, everything else in our lives is a result of our decisions or someone's decision for us.

Yeah I agree but growing up I was just always told that everything is already written for us, including our future.

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9 minutes ago, Ella-Ismael said:

Yeah I agree but growing up I was just always told that everything is already written for us, including our future.

Allah knows everything you will do it before you even existed, that is what fate is!

You have the choice to change, and the change is the fate! I think, I am not educated when it comes to these kind of things, usually avoid them.

You should instead have this mindset: I will try my best to be pious, and Inshallah I will get a male that satifies me like I want to satify him? Allah is the best provider!

Life is easy, don't further with questions we can't answer!

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17 minutes ago, Ella-Ismael said:

Of course it isn't just a female issue and I understand the issue from both genders. Also, I'm not claiming I'm ugly myself but I'm not up there with the coloured eyes, skinny and tall requests that a lot of guys have. I do not know any female who has a request appearance wise before meeting him, where as the guys mothers meet the girl usually before he meets her. So that's the difference in situation but it could also just be where I live.

Never said you were ugly, you are beauitful in the eyes of Allah, God bless you! You are beauitful in the eyes of your family! I can't say much, but hopely you will be beauitful in the eyes of the men as well! 

You can't compare a male with a female, we are different. We men tend to like appearance, you girls like character more! But regardless In our part that is irresponsible, and I apologize for the all men out there! Hope you find the male that satifies your needs! May Allah grant every wish!

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17 minutes ago, Ella-Ismael said:

Yeah I agree but growing up I was just always told that everything is already written for us, including our future.

in shia islam, we don't believe in pre-destination. Allah knowing everything is different from Allah deciding everything for us,

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4 hours ago, Ella-Ismael said:

This has been really on my mind lately, is marriage really fate. What about all the ladies who want to get married, do they just sit around and wait for someone to propose. What if they aren't getting any proposals. I'm not and probably many wouldn't go up and talk to someone because I have social anxiety and also it isn't really accepted in our culture. What if the mother doesn't have friends who could know you have a daughter of this age, who would not mind getting to know someone (with marriage in mind obviously). I just don't know if marriage is qisma as most mothers with sons are looking for the typical physical appearance for their son rather than looking at the girls deen and ikhlaq. 

It might be hard to accept this but the uglier you are in this society the harder it is to get married nowadays. It's different for the guys in this case as it is there mother who goes and asks for them. Also, how do you deal with a mother who doesn't want you to get married because you do a lot of the chores at home and looking after younger siblings especially when she is not well.

Well, we actually do have certain things in our lives are determined, and in Shia Islam , we also believe our actions, our supplications and the like can influence these matters and change our fate. I don't want to confuse this with other groups in Islam and their particular interpretation in this though. The best thing you can do is work on yourself. In this day and age, it is much easier for a man or a woman to either lose weight, or work out, get good skin, teeth, groom well  and dress modestly but decently. 

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37 minutes ago, Ella-Ismael said:

Of course it isn't just a female issue and I understand the issue from both genders. Also, I'm not claiming I'm ugly myself but I'm not up there with the coloured eyes, skinny and tall requests that a lot of guys have. I do not know any female who has a request appearance wise before meeting him, where as the guys mothers meet the girl usually before he meets her. So that's the difference in situation but it could also just be where I live.

I think the coloured eyes is overrated and not all too important for most guys. Yes, it's different and on men or women who don't normally have them, it can turn you into a celebrity, but i think for eyes, it's more the shape. Positive cantal tilt, eye-lashes, over-all shape, size, spacing , upper eye-lid exposure, and the like influence eye-aesthetics rather than brute colour.

As for tall, well the vast majority of men who are Shia aren't white or black, they're Arab, Indian, Asian and the like. Most of them are probably around 5"7/8, and so unless you're below five feet, it won't be a massive issue. Height is more a thing women tend to discriminate over you know, they can be brutal. 

As for being skinny, then that's in your hands. You can control that, and it would be a healthy option long term , but entirely up to you and your own personal decision. 

Women are also big on looks, the biggest myth in our age today is women don't care. They do, and if you're attractive to them you're going to find it much, much easier to progress. However women often will comprise if you have other qualities and settle.

Don't be caught up in this racist-white centric idea of beauty.  Facial-width to height ratio, philtrum length, face shape, cantal tilt, cheek-bones, Jaw size/shape, symmetry, and proportions are universal to all races, and a lady who is black, or white, or Asian or Arab should not feel any other race is better.

Edited by Intellectual Resistance
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FYI: The OP is a female. Please don't go off-topic by giving advice for a male. Some posts have been removed. 

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I’ve heard different views on this issue, either that Allah chooses your partner for you, and other view (supported by Hadith from the Ahlul Bayt (AS)) that your partner is not out of 100% fate, and not 100% free-will but somewhere in between.

I believe that Allah sends you potiential spouses (they can either enhance your life or be a test for you.) and it’s up to you to decide who you’d want to be with. 

As for uglier people having a harder time getting married - that is not true. I know many woman who are average in atttactiveness and they got married younger than me. (I’m 22.) It does not matter if you have an unattractive face or body - you will meet the right person whenever Allah wills. 

As another example, I didn’t have to look very far to find the right guy for me, however, one of my cousins (she’s drop-dead gorgeous) has a tough time finding someone and she’s more attractive and more successful than me. Like I said, it’s not about your looks, it’s trusting that Allah knows best and it’s about His timing in getting married, not yours. 

As for taking care of your siblings—it’s great if you’re doing so, but you shouldn’t reject the idea of marriage solely based on that. You have the right to get married. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors
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On 2/5/2018 at 2:27 PM, Ella-Ismael said:

This has been really on my mind lately, is marriage really fate. What about all the ladies who want to get married, do they just sit around and wait for someone to propose. What if they aren't getting any proposals. I'm not and probably many wouldn't go up and talk to someone because I have social anxiety and also it isn't really accepted in our culture. What if the mother doesn't have friends who could know you have a daughter of this age, who would not mind getting to know someone (with marriage in mind obviously). I just don't know if marriage is qisma as most mothers with sons are looking for the typical physical appearance for their son rather than looking at the girls deen and ikhlaq. 

It might be hard to accept this but the uglier you are in this society the harder it is to get married nowadays. It's different for the guys in this case as it is there mother who goes and asks for them. Also, how do you deal with a mother who doesn't want you to get married because you do a lot of the chores at home and looking after younger siblings especially when she is not well.

Go to mosque meet those aunties and they will hook you up lady. 

 

Quote


Selection of Spouse

Now that we have seen how much importance Islam has accorded to marriage and marital life you would perhaps ask, “How do we select a spouse? What are the guidelines provided by Islam in this regard? Do we look for some particular characteristics or just try to get the best from the worldly point of view?”

Are Pre-Marital Contacts Necessary?

Ali Akber Mazaheri writes:
“The notion that a man and a woman must ‘know’ each other before they decide to marry, so that they may then be able to live happily together is an illusion. Had there been any element of truth and validity in this, the divorce and separation rates in societies which practice it would not have shown a steady rise. Similarly, the marriages which take place without such pre-marital contacts would not have been known to last happily.”1
The Shariah permits the intended spouses to see each other for the purpose of selection and also permits asking and giving opinions if asked (without it being considered as gheebat under certain conditions.)
We should never resort to deceive the opposite party or conceal a defect during the selection process. Such things can have serious ramifications if exposed after marriage
The school of Ahle-Bait (A.S.) has not left us to follow our whims and fancies. We have been taught the best method of selecting a suitable spouse. The most important criterion is piety or religiousness.

A. Religiousness

The author of Youth and Spouse Selection says, “The person who does not have religion, does not have anything.”2
When a man came to the Prophet (S) to seek guidance for selecting a spouse, he (S) said, “It is binding upon you to have a religious spouse.” 3
Knowing the human weakness for beauty and wealth, the Messenger of Allah (S) has forewarned, “A man who marries a woman for the sake of her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition, and one who marries her (only) for her beauty, will find in her (things) which he dislikes (unpleasing manners) and Allah will gather up all these things for one who marries her for the sake of her faith (religiousness).” 4

B. Good Nature

The next important criterion is good nature.
Imam Reza (A.S.) wrote in reply to a person who had asked him if it was advisable to marry his daughter to a person known for his ill nature, “If he is ill-natured (bad tempered), don’t marry your daughter to him.” 5
The same will apply where the bride-to-be lacks a good nature. Such a woman, though she may be beautiful and rich, would make the life of her husband miserable. She can never be patient in the difficulties that arise in married life.

C. Compatibility

The Prophet (S) gave no recognition to class distinction, but in marriage, he stressed upon compatibility. The marrying partners must be Kufw of each other, so that there are no unnecessary misgivings later.6 It is better for a religious woman who is committed to laws and principles to marry a man like herself.
A man questioned the Prophet of Islam (S), “Whom must we marry?”
He replied, “The suitable (matches).”
“Who are the suitable matches?”
The Prophet (S) responded, “Some of the faithfuls are match for others.” 7
Imam Sadiq (A.S.) said, “An intelligent and wise woman must not be matched except with a sage and wise man.” 8

D. Decent Family

The Messenger of Allah (S) has given great emphasis on taking into consideration a good family background when we intend to marry.
He said, “Marry in the lap of a decent family, since the semen and the genes have effect.” 9
The Holy Prophet (S) also said, “Look very carefully and minutely as to where you are placing your child because genes and hereditary qualities are transferred in a concealed and unintentional way and have their effect.” 10

E. Reason

The Commander of the Faithful, ‘Ali (A.S.) strongly forbade marrying a foolish and insane person. “Avoid marrying a stupid woman, since her company is a woe (distress) and her children too get wasted.” 11

F. Physical and Mental Health

Though religiousness and piety are most important, it does not mean that we totally disregard the physical appearance and beauty of the prospective spouse.
The Holy Prophet (S) says, “When one intends to marry a woman, he should ask about her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the hair is one of the two beauties (of women).” 12

G. Whom can you Marry?

“Islamic law has placed certain restrictions on the choice of your spouse depending upon blood relationships and religious affiliations.” Maulana Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi has summarized these laws in a beautiful way:

Restrictions based on Relationship

There are certain blood relations which are considered haraam for you as far as marriage is concerned. (As a general rule, anyone who is your mahram is forbidden to you for marriage.) The list of such relatives is given in the Qur’an as follows:
For Man: mother, daughter, paternal aunt, maternal aunt, niece, foster-mother, foster-sister, mother-in-law, step-daughter, daughter-in-law, all married women, sister-in-law (as a 2nd wife) (See Surah an-Nisaa’ 4:23-24)
For Woman: father, son, paternal uncle, maternal uncle, nephew, foster-mother’s husband, foster-brother, father-in-law, stepson, son-in-law.

Restrictions based on Religion

A Shi’ah Muslim man can marry: a Shi’ah Muslim woman and a non-Shi’ah Muslim woman. However, if there is danger of being misled, then it is haraam.
He can also marry a Jewish or Christian woman in mut’a only. But he cannot marry a woman of any other faith.
A Shi’ah Muslim woman can marry: a Shi’ah Muslim man or a non-Shi’ah Muslim man, although it is better not to do so; and if there is danger of being misled, then it is haraam. But she cannot marry a non-Muslim man.13

Cousin Marriages

Though Shariah does not forbid marriage between first cousins, but there are opinions advocating against them mainly due to a probable risk of the offspring inheriting genetic defects/diseases.

 

 

Edited by Ron_Burgundy
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Ella-Ismael

Salam. I haven't read all the responses on this post so please forgive me if I am repeating something or if I digress. I wanted to share my views with you and I hope that you will find it insightful/useful in some way. My husband (who'd been introduced to umpteen girls by his family before me), told me that he knew that he wanted to marry me from the very first time he saw me smile. I teased him after marriage that it was such a shallow basis on which to make such an important decision and he responded that when he heard me speak it further cemented his conviction. (HMMM... LOL!)

I did not marry my spouse on the basis of looks alone even though many people consider him to be attractive. Firstly my parents believed we were compatible (I trusted their conviction) and secondly I had an excellent Istikhara result so that sufficed for me. For me, the options were limited anyway. Being a syed, my parents (and I) wanted for me to marry a shia syed too. (Lets please not debate the pros and cons of this at this juncture). Secondly, I am a lot more educated than most guys and many men found that intimidating. Naturally I wanted to marry an intellectually compatible guy and that too reduced the options. At the time of my marriage I was very "idealistically religious", but I didn't wear a head scarf. That didn't really leave me in any camp! Religious folk (rightfully) thought that it was bad that I didn't wear a scarf. I had many rishta offers where the boys family said well its OK if she doesn't wear a scarf now, she can wear one when she gets married. I wasn't sure that I would be able to commit to that. (I know I should wear a head scarf and I am sinning by not wearing one). My parents found me a spouse who was extremely well read, a practicing Muslim and someone who has a good mixture of eastern/western values.

It is extremely important that your partner finds you physically attractive and that you feel the same about your spouse. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and I am not defining what "physically attractive" is. If you find that someone is not attractive before you marry them, chances are things won't change much after you marry them (unless the guy is is amazingly nice and his inner beauty supersedes everything else). It is equally important for your spouse to find you attractive too (inside and out). Please don't misunderstand me - I am not saying that physical attractiveness should be the ONLY criteria but in my view it should form a part of the consideration equation.

By no means am I saying that one should have unrealistic expectations when it comes to physical beauty. I am just saying that you should look for a partner that you want to spend your entire life with in every sense. In my view one should ideally seek a a partner who will be intellectually and emotionally compatible; someone who has the same values and religious outlook as you, someone you can hold engaging conversations with and makes you laugh, and someone you find physically attractive too (after all you are going to spend the rest of your life looking at them!).  My mum says you should marry someone who "could take a bullet for you" and I second that!   

Reality is that most men (although they say otherwise), do marry for looks. I'm not saying that they marry for LOOKS ALONE but it carries a lot of weight. However, I have seen many extremely intelligent men who have married exquisitely stunning women for looks alone, and when the honeymoon period is over, they get bored and frustrated with the shallow conversations of their high maintenance wives. Those marriage sadly don't last and then I've seen the same guys doing a complete U-turn and wanting to marry someone with "depth" the second time!

Sadly, there is no perfect formula. Also, you never know what the person or their family is "really" like till you've lived with them. If like me you've never dated someone before you've got married (you sound like you haven't), you don't really know what you want in a relationship/your partner/ your future together, until you are in that position. A criteria that you may believe seemed essential before may seem unnecessary after marriage and vice versa. Please don't put any pressure on yourself to get married quickly. Try to enjoy each day at a time and enjoy being a singleton. The grass is always greener on the other other side.

Good luck and best wishes. 

 

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