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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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2 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

WalaykumSalaam Sister,

You are going to have bad days like this when you feel down. They are inevitable. Unblocking him and calling him won't yield any good answer because you already know the answer more or less. I know it's incredibly hard, and you might not feel like anything i am saying is right at the moment but you need to hang on , and not message him - ever again. He knows what he has done, he is probably well aware of it, and it was quite clear to everyone including us on here what was really happening.

Your brain is still attached to him, and there are pathways that are still there over the time you've developed them. If you hang on to no-contact, those pathways will decrease and you will think of him less and less.  However the key thing is to not contact him again, this is your chance to rebuild and move on and you have a wonderful opportunity.  I would personally write down everything you feel on a piece of paper, and then bury it, or find someone you can let this all out to, preferably a sister (friend). 

Your anger is so understandable, and i know you feel a sense of betrayal and that it was absolutely unfair on you, and that he should sink too. However for your sake, so he does no more damage to you and this whole experience does no more damage, you must keep no contact and you must slowly let go. 

It is so hard, and i can imagine. Try to really distract yourself in these initial periods, while also letting yourself cry, mourn or feel sad. Try not to be alone , or have nothing planned for the day, keep yourself busy, whatever it is. You are in our duas sister, this must be hard.  You're going through the storm and if you just keep going you're going to come out of the other end soon.

Wasalam, 

i can't stop crying today. The fact that he has ruined my life chances and wasted 10 years of my life is killing me. I could have been married to someone else, had a family by now but I spent all that time waiting for him to convince his parents and in the end leave me empty handed. I keep seeing him in my dreams and when I wake up I feel more upset. I want to forget it all but I can't forget or forgive what he has done to me. My precious time that has been wasted will never come back. The opportunities I missed or the proposals I got won't come back. I declined everyone for him blindly and all that for him to stab me in the end like this.  I am angry at myself for allowing someone to do this to me. 

The last conversation I had with him, he was disrespecting me and saying to me that I am scared and not trusting Allah and I have no faith in him because I was not happy with him doing the istikhara. That has left an even bitter taste in my mouth and I don't want to talk to him but today I am really upset. Also I have not been doing anything today apart from being at home maybe that's why I am feeling like this. I really have no friends left who I can talk to or feel comfortable talking about this situation.

thank you @Intellectual Resistance for your constant effort trying to help me out. I won't be contacting him. I was very close to unblocking him and writing my feelings on Watsapp but I am gonna leave it. Thank you for keeping me in your duas. Really means a lot in this tough time in my life. He was my only friend and now I have no one but you all here to talk to about this. 

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48 minutes ago, M666 said:

Wasalam, 

i can't stop crying today. The fact that he has ruined my life chances and wasted 10 years of my life is killing me. I could have been married to someone else, had a family by now but I spent all that time waiting for him to convince his parents and in the end leave me empty handed. I keep seeing him in my dreams and when I wake up I feel more upset. I want to forget it all but I can't forget or forgive what he has done to me. My precious time that has been wasted will never come back. The opportunities I missed or the proposals I got won't come back. I declined everyone for him blindly and all that for him to stab me in the end like this.  I am angry at myself for allowing someone to do this to me. 

The last conversation I had with him, he was disrespecting me and saying to me that I am scared and not trusting Allah and I have no faith in him because I was not happy with him doing the istikhara. That has left an even bitter taste in my mouth and I don't want to talk to him but today I am really upset. Also I have not been doing anything today apart from being at home maybe that's why I am feeling like this. I really have no friends left who I can talk to or feel comfortable talking about this situation.

thank you @Intellectual Resistance for your constant effort trying to help me out. I won't be contacting him. I was very close to unblocking him and writing my feelings on Watsapp but I am gonna leave it. Thank you for keeping me in your duas. Really means a lot in this tough time in my life. He was my only friend and now I have no one but you all here to talk to about this. 

Allow yourself to cry , it's much better than locking your emotions in. Write down how you feel, talk it through, talk it out. Try at all costs not to be a lone or to leave yourself isolated, because then these thoughts come up.

I know that dreaming about someone in this way can just open up all of those emotions all over again and when you wake up it's painful. However try to just know that this was a bad day, and you'll have bad days, okay days, slightly better days, and the more time goes, with the right mentality you'll have less bad days. You'll be able to think of him without feeling anything eventually.

As rightfully angry and betrayed you feel, you can't let this stop you from moving on and being happy. Imagine this if you will:

You meet a guy who is compatible with you in almost every way, and he pushes this marriage ahead with a similar level of interest to you. Your mother and father go and visit his family and they are nothing but respectful and your parents feel honoured. Imagine the smile on your dads face. What a contrast. No more uncertainty, and you're not working towards marriage without feeling lost and unsure and a circus. His family is good to you, his mother even calls you and talks to you, or lets you call her and is sweet. You marry, you go on holiday, have your own house and family and build your life.  This guy will seem like a silly mistake a life-time away , and you will be so thankful you dodged a bullet.

I know it seems far away and you aren't in the mindset for that now , but this could be you. 

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21 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Allow yourself to cry , it's much better than locking your emotions in. Write down how you feel, talk it through, talk it out. Try at all costs not to be a lone or to leave yourself isolated, because then these thoughts come up.

I know that dreaming about someone in this way can just open up all of those emotions all over again and when you wake up it's painful. However try to just know that this was a bad day, and you'll have bad days, okay days, slightly better days, and the more time goes, with the right mentality you'll have less bad days. You'll be able to think of him without feeling anything eventually.

As rightfully angry and betrayed you feel, you can't let this stop you from moving on and being happy. Imagine this if you will:

You meet a guy who is compatible with you in almost every way, and he pushes this marriage ahead with a similar level of interest to you. Your mother and father go and visit his family and they are nothing but respectful and your parents feel honoured. Imagine the smile on your dads face. What a contrast. No more uncertainty, and you're not working towards marriage without feeling lost and unsure and a circus. His family is good to you, his mother even calls you and talks to you, or lets you call her and is sweet. You marry, you go on holiday, have your own house and family and build your life.  This guy will seem like a silly mistake a life-time away , and you will be so thankful you dodged a bullet.

I know it seems far away and you aren't in the mindset for that now , but this could be you. 

 yesterday I cried a lot because one thing about him was that he was loyal to me and he was always there when I was upset and now I have no one. I never thought that out of everyone he would deceive me like this and give me the biggest pain in my life. What hurts me the most is that he took 10 years of my life trying to convince his parents. I just wish I didn't allow him to do that. He changed a lot in the end and it felt like he didn't want this marriage or someone was pressurising him on this istikhara. This whole situation was abusive and it was done to silence me. i invested too much time to be left like this.

Today I had another dream about him and when I woke I checked my phone and saw a missed call from his father? I am really confused why is his dad calling me? Maybe he called me by mistake or something but I was a bit shocked to see a missed call from his dad. That call made me even more upset and I am wondering why he is ringing me now? 

I am trying to move on but it is really tough. You are right.. Maybe if I stay strong like this, Allah will give me something better. I literally had to beg him to sort this marriage out. He never took care of my needs. Everytime I would mention that his mother doesn't talk to me he would make me feel it was my mistake in wanting to talk to her and as if I was making a stupid demand.. When all I wanted was a bit of love. They never valued me, nor did he value me. They never realised my worth. I am not arrogant or anything but Allah has blessed me with a lot of qualities but they would never value them. They just hated me because I was not their choice.  It would be nice to find someone like the way you are describing. Someone who would value me, someone who won't make me beg for  things to happen. Maybe I am just being a little impatient but I want it to happen soon. I am so tired of this. Everytime I see someone else getting married I get so upset and think when will my time come. I never thought marriage would become such a hurdle in my life. 

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11 minutes ago, M666 said:

now I have no one.

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14 minutes ago, M666 said:

checked my phone and saw a missed call from his father? I am really confused why is his dad calling me?

Block.block. block.

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1 hour ago, M666 said:

 yesterday I cried a lot because one thing about him was that he was loyal to me and he was always there when I was upset and now I have no one. I never thought that out of everyone he would deceive me like this and give me the biggest pain in my life. What hurts me the most is that he took 10 years of my life trying to convince his parents. I just wish I didn't allow him to do that. He changed a lot in the end and it felt like he didn't want this marriage or someone was pressurising him on this istikhara. This whole situation was abusive and it was done to silence me. i invested too much time to be left like this.

Today I had another dream about him and when I woke I checked my phone and saw a missed call from his father? I am really confused why is his dad calling me? Maybe he called me by mistake or something but I was a bit shocked to see a missed call from his dad. That call made me even more upset and I am wondering why he is ringing me now? 

I am trying to move on but it is really tough. You are right.. Maybe if I stay strong like this, Allah will give me something better. I literally had to beg him to sort this marriage out. He never took care of my needs. Everytime I would mention that his mother doesn't talk to me he would make me feel it was my mistake in wanting to talk to her and as if I was making a stupid demand.. When all I wanted was a bit of love. They never valued me, nor did he value me. They never realised my worth. I am not arrogant or anything but Allah has blessed me with a lot of qualities but they would never value them. They just hated me because I was not their choice.  It would be nice to find someone like the way you are describing. Someone who would value me, someone who won't make me beg for  things to happen. Maybe I am just being a little impatient but I want it to happen soon. I am so tired of this. Everytime I see someone else getting married I get so upset and think when will my time come. I never thought marriage would become such a hurdle in my life. 

Salam Sister,

It might feel as though a real connection had been there, and that he did care. I don't deny there was probably some level of real care there, but there are a lot of men out there who pursue women and lead them on for years, and years, even taking a liking for them but with the intention of just having company, not being lonely, for the chase, for filling a gap and the like. This is cruelty, and when it comes to showing mettle and committing in the Islamic way and getting the marriage done, they are nowhere to be seen.  I have to be really careful about what i say so as not to backbite, but reading the replies of the other individual, it does not strike me in general terms as the reply i would expect of someone i would want to marry my sister, or daughter (if i had them). I expect more empathy, maturity in handling the situation however bad it is, and that is a major red flag. Someone who cared for you truly wouldn't do this. This was all superficial , immature care and affection, not the real kind.

Someone is going to marry you, inshAllah, commit in the halal way, and value you properly. I know it might not seem like it now, but you have mentioned having many qualities, alhamdullilah, which should make you a prospect that will have many options when it comes to marriage. You have mentioned getting many proposals so i don't personally see you struggling. The biggest obstacle you face is making peace with your very difficult situation, slowly moving on, rebuilding, and coming to terms with this.

The stages of divorce, or a break up mirror the stages of grief in many cases. You just need to stick this out. I can guarantee you, had this person been loyal, married, had kids with you and then he died of cancer God forbid, you would have struggled much more. In fact, if you had had kids with this individual you would have struggled more. If he had handled the situation much better, or shown empathy, or married and then changed it would have been difficult. This isn't to minimise your situation, but Alhamdullilah this was not someone who respected you, married you and within marriage loved you as a proper spouse, and then left you. 

It is going to get worse before it gets better. You have to take this one day at a time, block them from your contacts, delete them and make it impossible for them to contact you. Delete any pictures you have, throw away any gifts received, and remove any trace that reminds of him. It is the only way - absolute no contact. 

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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@M666

Some beneficial reminders i've compiled for you sister that have helped me get through difficult periods.

"Imam Jaffer as-Sadiq (as) has said: 'A free person is free in all conditions. Even if hardships  strike him he exercises patience, if afflictions batter him he does  not break down even if he is taken as a captive and is  overpowered and his comfort and prosperity are changed into  poverty and hardships, just as in the case of Yusuf (Joseph) the  truthful and trustworthy one (may Allah grant him blessings),  whose freedom remained unaffected even though he was  enslaved, taken as a captive and overpowered. The darkness and  loneliness of the well did not harm him, nor did all that he went  through until Allah granted him favors. He made the insolent  tyrant into a slave for him after his being his king. He set him  free and made a whole nation to be kind to him. This is how  patience yields goodness. You must exercise patience and settle  your soul upon patience and you will, certainly, be rewarded.'"  [Kitab al-Kafi, Volume 2, Saheeh]

be07cd5279776bf2f19b785e5a489d9e.jpg

 

sabr.jpg

 

patience-quran-surah-hud-49.png

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6 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Salam Sister,

It might feel as though a real connection had been there, and that he did care. I don't deny there was probably some level of real care there, but there are a lot of men out there who pursue women and lead them on for years, and years, even taking a liking for them but with the intention of just having company, not being lonely, for the chase, for filling a gap and the like. This is cruelty, and when it comes to showing mettle and committing in the Islamic way and getting the marriage done, they are nowhere to be seen.  I have to be really careful about what i say so as not to backbite, but reading the replies of the other individual, it does not strike me in general terms as the reply i would expect of someone i would want to marry my sister, or daughter (if i had them). I expect more empathy, maturity in handling the situation however bad it is, and that is a major red flag. Someone who cared for you truly wouldn't do this. This was all superficial , immature care and affection, not the real kind.

Someone is going to marry you, inshAllah, commit in the halal way, and value you properly. I know it might not seem like it now, but you have mentioned having many qualities, alhamdullilah, which should make you a prospect that will have many options when it comes to marriage. You have mentioned getting many proposals so i don't personally see you struggling. The biggest obstacle you face is making peace with your very difficult situation, slowly moving on, rebuilding, and coming to terms with this.

The stages of divorce, or a break up mirror the stages of grief in many cases. You just need to stick this out. I can guarantee you, had this person been loyal, married, had kids with you and then he died of cancer God forbid, you would have struggled much more. In fact, if you had had kids with this individual you would have struggled more. If he had handled the situation much better, or shown empathy, or married and then changed it would have been difficult. This isn't to minimise your situation, but Alhamdullilah this was not someone who respected you, married you and within marriage loved you as a proper spouse, and then left you. 

It is going to get worse before it gets better. You have to take this one day at a time, block them from your contacts, delete them and make it impossible for them to contact you. Delete any pictures you have, throw away any gifts received, and remove any trace that reminds of him. It is the only way - absolute no contact. 

Exactly! Real care is when you love someone enough to commit to them islamically and not show "love" and "care" when it suits them. He kept saying I tried for 10 years to get married to you and when the istikhara came out bad it's not my fault. What kind of joke is that! Using 10 years of my life and then putting everything down to an istikhara. Since when did istikhara become a condition for marriage and if it was that important than why not do it earlier. When I asked him that he said I didn't know. That I didn't know answer would not bring back my time and the emotional investment I put in this whole thing. I remember the amount of times I tried to convince his parents. It was a joke. I am so hurt that words can't even explain. When I blocked him the next day after that he blocked me aswell and my family. Clearly he doesn't feel responsible. I am sad that he will get to enjoy his life, be able to get married but I will be left with nothing in the end. I am so lonely right now. I know I have Allah with me but I also need human interaction which I don't have anymore. How can someone leave another person like this. This is cruelty. He was very immature in the way he handled everything in life. From his career to me. i feel used and when the "istikhara" came bad he threw me away like o am worth nothing. Today has to be the worst day. I feel sick and I am really angry. 

I do agree that it could have been a lot worse but I just want Allah to serve justice for all the pain he has given me. If there was a court in this earth I would take him there and make sure he faced consequences for his actions but there isn't because he kept me in a haram relationship for such a long time by promising me marriage everyday and there I was being stupid and believing his lies. He manipulated me and took advantage of my good nature and my trust. 

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6 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

@M666

Some beneficial reminders i've compiled for you sister that have helped me get through difficult periods.

"Imam Jaffer as-Sadiq (as) has said: 'A free person is free in all conditions. Even if hardships  strike him he exercises patience, if afflictions batter him he does  not break down even if he is taken as a captive and is  overpowered and his comfort and prosperity are changed into  poverty and hardships, just as in the case of Yusuf (Joseph) the  truthful and trustworthy one (may Allah grant him blessings),  whose freedom remained unaffected even though he was  enslaved, taken as a captive and overpowered. The darkness and  loneliness of the well did not harm him, nor did all that he went  through until Allah granted him favors. He made the insolent  tyrant into a slave for him after his being his king. He set him  free and made a whole nation to be kind to him. This is how  patience yields goodness. You must exercise patience and settle  your soul upon patience and you will, certainly, be rewarded.'"  [Kitab al-Kafi, Volume 2, Saheeh]

be07cd5279776bf2f19b785e5a489d9e.jpg

 

sabr.jpg

 

patience-quran-surah-hud-49.png

@Intellectual Resistance Thank you so much for this compilation and going out of your way to help me out. May Allah bless you and give you everything that you desire in this life and after. I am just watching the video now.. I have to be patient because Allah works in amazing ways. it is very hard to be patient right now but I am trying my best. All thanks to your help 

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and when I say human interaction I mean it in a sense to let these feelings and emotions out. Clearly he couldn't even call me because the Internet connection in Pakistan according to him is really bad. And that his dad broke the internet router when he got angry seeing him talking to me. My family have heard about all this enough I don't want to make my parents sad anymore. My brother doesn't live with us anymore since he has got his own house and my younger sister is at uni. I have no one to actually talk about all this apart from you all. I wanted to talk to his parents but they never answered and even if they did I doubt they would have any sympathy for me 

Edited by M666

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25 minutes ago, M666 said:

Exactly! Real care is when you love someone enough to commit to them islamically and not show "love" and "care" when it suits them. He kept saying I tried for 10 years to get married to you and when the istikhara came out bad it's not my fault. What kind of joke is that! Using 10 years of my life and then putting everything down to an istikhara. Since when did istikhara become a condition for marriage and if it was that important than why not do it earlier. When I asked him that he said I didn't know. That I didn't know answer would not bring back my time and the emotional investment I put in this whole thing. I remember the amount of times I tried to convince his parents. It was a joke. I am so hurt that words can't even explain. When I blocked him the next day after that he blocked me aswell and my family. Clearly he doesn't feel responsible. I am sad that he will get to enjoy his life, be able to get married but I will be left with nothing in the end. I am so lonely right now. I know I have Allah with me but I also need human interaction which I don't have anymore. How can someone leave another person like this. This is cruelty. He was very immature in the way he handled everything in life. From his career to me. i feel used and when the "istikhara" came bad he threw me away like o am worth nothing. Today has to be the worst day. I feel sick and I am really angry. 

I do agree that it could have been a lot worse but I just want Allah to serve justice for all the pain he has given me. If there was a court in this earth I would take him there and make sure he faced consequences for his actions but there isn't because he kept me in a haram relationship for such a long time by promising me marriage everyday and there I was being stupid and believing his lies. He manipulated me and took advantage of my good nature and my trust. 

There will be a court in the hereafter sister, and i truly believe for you to be able to move on from this, eventually, you will have to let go of any strong emotion towards this individual. You will inshAllah get to a stage where you might think of him now and then but the emotions won't be strong, and you won't feel anything. However, you're freshly out of this and no-one can expect that of you right now because it would be totally unfair - you are a human being.

You mentioned in a later post your siblings aren't there, and you've also mentioned not wanting to hurt your parents, as well as not having too many people you associate with outside of family, and so are struggling to have any outlet, or replacement for that human interaction. This is where you need to try to target this. If you're isolated, you're going to keep thinking of him, and you will want to fill that gap. Try to connect with any like minded sisters you know, either at the Mosque or otherwise, and network. If there's an event go to it. If there's an event organised by an Absoc anywhere, go to it and get to know some of the sisters. Keep putting yourself out there and you might find people on the same wavelength as you that you can talk to and maybe even meet up with and become closer to. You've got to try to do this, so you have a healthy outlet of some close friends, if you can't talk to your family much about this for the reasons i've mentioned. This will help you going forward into the future as well. 

True care is when it counts, and not when it's just for company or attention i'm afraid. It's shown in sacrifice, loyalty, thinking ahead about the well being of the person. I know of a story about two people who were also planning to marry, and had reformed and wanting to do things halal after knowing each other for three years (just talking). However he unfortunately developed cancer, and she was going to marry him, but he knew that would cause her much more pain and suffering going forward. Instead , he said no to the marriage and asked her to leave it , and sadly passed away. That's what i call truly caring for the other party, that the man in question is not selfish. 

This is going to take time sister, and no video or quote i post will ever magically wave away your pain. It will get worse before it gets better, but you have to brace yourself and keep going. If you do, soon, somewhere in the near future, you will maybe feel more positive than you have in the last ten years, let alone this recent event. 

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36 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

There will be a court in the hereafter sister, and i truly believe for you to be able to move on from this, eventually, you will have to let go of any strong emotion towards this individual. You will inshAllah get to a stage where you might think of him now and then but the emotions won't be strong, and you won't feel anything. However, you're freshly out of this and no-one can expect that of you right now because it would be totally unfair - you are a human being.

You mentioned in a later post your siblings aren't there, and you've also mentioned not wanting to hurt your parents, as well as not having too many people you associate with outside of family, and so are struggling to have any outlet, or replacement for that human interaction. This is where you need to try to target this. If you're isolated, you're going to keep thinking of him, and you will want to fill that gap. Try to connect with any like minded sisters you know, either at the Mosque or otherwise, and network. If there's an event go to it. If there's an event organised by an Absoc anywhere, go to it and get to know some of the sisters. Keep putting yourself out there and you might find people on the same wavelength as you that you can talk to and maybe even meet up with and become closer to. You've got to try to do this, so you have a healthy outlet of some close friends, if you can't talk to your family much about this for the reasons i've mentioned. This will help you going forward into the future as well. 

True care is when it counts, and not when it's just for company or attention i'm afraid. It's shown in sacrifice, loyalty, thinking ahead about the well being of the person. I know of a story about two people who were also planning to marry, and had reformed and wanting to do things halal after knowing each other for three years (just talking). However he unfortunately developed cancer, and she was going to marry him, but he knew that would cause her much more pain and suffering going forward. Instead , he said no to the marriage and asked her to leave it , and sadly passed away. That's what i call truly caring for the other party, that the man in question is not selfish. 

This is going to take time sister, and no video or quote i post will ever magically wave away your pain. It will get worse before it gets better, but you have to brace yourself and keep going. If you do, soon, somewhere in the near future, you will maybe feel more positive than you have in the last ten years, let alone this recent event. 

Inshallah there is justice hereafter. That is the only thing that is keeping me a little sane. I wish there was a switch which I could switch off and I would forget about what he has done but there isn't and I am sure time will heal. I know I am repeating myself but I am raging aswell as crying over the idea that he played with my emotions for 10 years. 10 years of my precious life in which he claimed to love me. And then after wasting those just walking out without any accountability and be able to switch off all that "love" and "care". It's unbelievable. Inshallah I will overcome this but the way things are around me right now hinder things for me. I live in a small town, I have finished university, the Muslims here are either too out of hands (drinking and indulging in haram things) or too extreme. I am considering going away for a masters degree to get out of this place. Being in the same place is really achieving nothing for me. He kept me in a bubble by promising me me marriage. He made sure I believed that he will fulfil his promise of marrying me no matter what so I planned my life accordingly. But as he abruptly left me, here I am not only hurt but completely clueless about life and what I want to do. 

I do talk to my mother and my father but over the years they have seen me cry a lot. Since the age of 22 when he spoke to his parents I have cried and shouted a lot. 3 times he told me he is sorting this marriage out, and then it didn't happen, I cried a lot to the point I was breathless. He disappointed me a lot and made me beg him and the finally 2 years ago his parents made the promise to my parents that's when I stopped crying. And when this whole istikhara thing came I cried too and I shouted to the point that my parents got too worried. I can't keep on doing this, my parents are getting older, my mother has a heart condition and my father is diabetic I don't want them to see me cry and make their health even worse. The person I truely want to talk to are his parents but they won't talk, they won't answer my calls and they have just decided to walk away without any accountability. I am the one left oppressed with no voice. The only one who can hear this pain is you all and ofcourse Allah. He is watching all this. That guy has blocked me and is moving on with his life now. He posts on a gaming website and is trying to apply for jobs and here I am trying to move on but it's getting difficult. 

I agree, the situation you have described above is true care. Unfortunately mine isn't care. It was just use and abuse, then dispose off the individual. I thought his parents would atleast show some level of care but I think they are the ones to mainly blame for this all. I just imagine if I married him they would have done a lot worse so maybe I am glad Allah has saved me in a way. 

Thank you for your support, your kind words really comfort me in this awful time. It could have been a lot worse I appreciate that. But this is really hard. If it wasn't for Shia chat I don't know where I would be right now. Thank you 

Edited by M666

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