Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

The first page of the same article he sent me clearly says: 

image.thumb.png.61886cbeaa1681ddfea7e10ce86bf0fa.png

 

he didn't read this or quote this but scrolled all the way shown to the bits where he can take things out of context to support the fact that he is right in calling the whole marriage off 

Edited by M666

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Salamualaykum,

Sister this is probably a very difficult period for you and i guess here is my advice and you know your life best, so you can apply it in what way you deem fit:

1. You've been led on, strung along, and this man never seemed to have the real intention of marrying you. Someone who is serious, and responsible and actually cares about you will know that things like this Ikstikhara if so culturally important should have been done years back, otherwise you would just be hurt, left , and led on and have a chunk of your life used. It is beyond cruel to have someone who effectively used you, perhaps for emotional fulfilment, company, and the like. That is deceit on the highest order and there is a general consensus about this from most of the users who have posted. It is just dishonesty. 

2. You need closure. Perhaps sit down with your parents and try to rationalise the situation, tell them after ten years its important you have closure. Compile your evidence - such as what i have posted from Imam Khomeini (rh) and other scholars that have been posted on this thread. These make it clear if two people are compatible, Istikhara should not be done. Furthermore, leading someone on for years and then performing it is deceit and emotional abuse, because if it was that important they ought to have done it earlier. In addition, their true intentions were revealed by what his brother said - that their parents didn't want it done.  Their behaviour towards your parents is just evidence of this itself. Furthermore, it is absurd to claim they did one, two, and three Istikharas. That's not how it works. You can't just keep doing them to get the right result and this shows ignorance of basic religious principles on the part of the one doing this. Once you've got the whole situation down with them - maybe you have already - that's probably when your Dad should call and make clear all the points and how unjust this was. 

3. Don't run or hide from your feelings. If you need to mourn this, then go ahead and do so. Embrace the pain and hurt, because that is the only way you'll get out of this. It will get much better after, and many people who go through these difficult periods of their life find it better if they embrace the feeling of sadness. With time that saddens will fade, so hold on inshAllah. You may never fully forget this guy, but you will get to a stage where you might think about him but not feel much at all. Once you find someone else, that is right for you inshAllah, then it'll mostly be distant memory.

4. Start to rebuild yourself. This is key so you do not jump into another relationship right away. You need to be mentally ready to find someone else who is right for you, rather than who just fills a gap. This period of healing will be best done if you begin to work on all the areas of your life this individual held you back in, and also go further beyond. Work on improving literally everything about you, and also go out, go to dinners, maybe go on a holiday, start side projects or hobbies. Keep yourself busy, keep family and friends around you and try not to be alone. 

5. You're still in your 20s. At 28, you still have time to find someone.  After you heal, you will still have time. Once you feel you are ready, talk to sisters you know from the mosque, go on match-making events, register for anything matrimonial and start to filter through candidates so you are able to then get to a pool of people you may find compatible and then narrow it down to who you probably is most promising. This will take work and you will have to put yourself out there in a halal way. Try not to make this wait too long. Heal first though, but keep it to an extent where you're not still healing into your 30s.  Don't panic, you have time, but don't be complacent either.

 

We are all making duas for you , but also please do keep us in your duas inshAllah. 

 

 

 

@Intellectual Resistance

I know I always say this but I just can't thank you enough for your wisdom and counselling. You have no idea how much your feedback here helps me put things into perspective. I have nothing but sincere duas for you. 

You are right. He doesn't have the intention of marrying me. If someone was so desperate he would use all the evidence he could find to marry me but with him it's like I am arguing with him to marry me and then he comes out with some illogical argument to not do it. He is not on my side. I just find it so weird because he apparently went to Pakistan to plan this whole marriage and sort out everything but in the end comes out with istikhara.  When I say you wasted 10 years of my life he says that in those 10 years you were not nice to me. If I was that bad why did he promise me marriage the whole time and claimed to love me.

 

i definitely need closure. I am gonna do that. I am not gonna leave him like this. He is afraid I will call his dad but you know what I will.  It is time that things get discussed. But my dad is too polite he is saying leave it and I know my dad will not say much to his dad. But I want to speak. I have a lot to say. I will make sure I do that. As for evidence, I am gonna show them the evidence but they are blinded by their stubbornness so I have a feeling it won't achieve anything. But I will still call them and speak to him. This has to be done. And as you said after that the no contact phase follows where I cut him off completely. I want to cut him off completely. I want to cut off a manipulator and a liar out of my life. It's a shame because I truely did love him but in the end he stabbed me in the back but I believe now that Allah has better things in store for me than someone like him. I was just thinking if he could lie and use religion to defend it, in life he can stab me anytime on anything.  After all a marriage, life is difficult. If the foundation of this marriage started with lies then I am sure it wouldn't last long. A man is a protector of a woman but around him I never felt protected. Even right now, instead of fearing Allah for wasting a woman's time, he is coming out excuses to follow this "bad Istikhara"...you guys have no idea how long he has been promising me marriage. Since I was 22 till now he would say we will get married this year and then next and next only in the end to put it down to Istikhara. I rejected so many proposals from good guys because I was waiting for him. 

i have learnt a great lesson, maybe it is the hard way and after a long time. I truely think Allah has something better in store for me. I am so fortunate that my parents pray for my well being everyday. Every single day. I am so lucky that my parents support me. My dad even after what he has done to me is responding with patience. For a father, it is difficult to see your child go through this. He is lucky my dad hasn't said a word to him. Allah will serve justice indeed and his justice will be the greatest. He doesn't understand the importance of treating women kindly, not oppressing people, and keeping promises. He is not worthy of me or my time. I think I am in that phase to cut him off completely but first I will speak to his father and family. I honestly do not have the energy left to cry anymore. I have done that enough for the past 5 years when he would disappoint me everyday by breaking his promise of marrying me every year.

shia chat is my only place at the moment where  I can discuss my feelings. I don't have many friends left in real life. I put so much energy and time into him that I forgot to invest in friends. It will be a slow start but I'm gonna start rebuilding myself. I am thinking of joining the gym. I also want to travel.. I want to meet people because I am tired of this lonely life which was solely based around him and marriage. Where I live, it's a small town and there is not much to do here but inshallah pray for me guys, that I find things to do that will improve me and help me forget this pain. 

Inshallah then I'll find someone who will love me and will be worthy of me. Please pray for me. And don't worry, I have you and everyone else who has contributed here in my prayers. Allah is watching that you all are helping me out... If it wasn't for you all I would be crying in my room all day begging him to marry me but you people have helped me put things into perspective. Thank you for your counselling and your valuable advice. You have saved me from a lot of pain. 

Edited by M666

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I forgot to mention, today he said to me because of your behaviour, he can't do anything now to marry me. He would have fought his family but because I called his dad on Watsapp when I was crying, in extreme amount of pain when I hadn't slept all night and he wasn't answering my single call. Me messaging his dad asking him to talk to me or asking his mother to talk to me, literally begging but they would just ignore my message after reading. I said one thing which he is using against me. I said how would you feel if someone treated your daughters the way you are treating me by ignoring my messages and calls. Please have mercy I am someone's daughter. He is basically using that against me and saying that I disrespected his family by saying that. 

Guys I have kept quite for 10 years, I didn't say one word to his family when they used to disrespect me, waste my time and even when they called my parents to their house to talk about marriage and instead they humiliated them. Even then I didn't say one word to his parents but after 10 years of suffering in silence when I finally thought they had accepted me and they made him do istikhara I honestly had to spreak. I didn't disrespect them. I just said call me I need to talk. They were reading my msgs but still didn't say one word. And now he is blaming me saying that I disrespected his parents by asking them to talk to me. I just want leave this whole thing. I want to cut him off completely. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Salam sis 

why are you still talking to this guy he seems very toxic 

 

He keeps calling me on my Watsapp, so I answer, even though I don't want to but it gets a little difficult sometimes . I am thinking of blocking him in a few days once my dad talks to his dad. I don't want to be with him anymore. But I want his dad to call my dad and speak once and I say something too so I have my final words. 

Edited by M666

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, M666 said:

He keeps calling me on my Watsapp, so I answer, even though I don't want to buy it gets a little difficult sometimes . But I am thinking of blocking him in a few days once my dad talks to his dad. I don't want to be with him anymore. But I want his dad to call my dad and speak once and I say something too so I have my final words. 

Block him now delete his number delete his photos 

look at what he did to you 

a real man would not do that 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Sisterfatima1 said:

Block him now delete his number delete his photos 

look at what he did to you 

a real man would not do that 

should I wait before his father talks to mine? Or should I just block him immediately? . To be honest I don't want to talk to him. You are right, he is toxic. Every day he comes up with something to bring me down. The more I talk the more time I waste. On the positive side Iv told my parents to start looking for someone else. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, M666 said:

He keeps calling me on my Watsapp, so I answer, even though I don't want to buy it gets a little difficult sometimes . But I am thinking of blocking him in a few days once my dad talks to his dad. I don't want to be with him anymore. But I want his dad to call my dad and speak once and I say something too so I have my final words. 


my opinion, which I posted earlier is, that neither you, nor your family can find true closure by talking to him, his parents or anyone in particular. You can find revenge, not closure nor justice. And seeking revenge should never be a part of us. We have the best example of  all our Imams for this. Only praying to Allah s.w.t can bring you closure and justice. As I PMed you, trust in Allah, and read ziyarat e ashura, everything will fall into place.  
 

2 minutes ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Block him now delete his number delete his photos 

look at what he did to you 

a real man would not do that 

100 % agreed to this. Block him, delete him, cut him off completely. You have to be strong and pray when weakness comes. You will find happiness and satisfaction at the end of this tunnel. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, peopleofchadar said:


my opinion, which I posted earlier is, that neither you, nor your family can find true closure by talking to him, his parents or anyone in particular. You can find revenge, not closure nor justice. And seeking revenge should never be a part of us. We have the best example of  all our Imams for this. Only praying to Allah s.w.t can bring you closure and justice. As I PMed you, trust in Allah, and read ziyarat e ashura, everything will fall into place.  
 

100 % agreed to this. Block him, delete him, cut him off completely. You have to be strong and pray when weakness comes. You will find happiness and satisfaction at the end of this tunnel. 

I definitely don't want revenge. At first I thought maybe I should start contacting his family but now I am leaving it to Allah to serve justice. My revenge will be nothing compared to Allahs justice. Allah works in amazing ways.. I have 100% faith in that. His parents clearly have no sympathy for me. Me crying in front of them will not achieve anything. 

Furthermore I have no time to argue with him. The more I do, the more time I waste. I am going to block him. Enough is enough.  

Can you guys please keep in your prayers. I really need them right now. I want Allah to give me strength. Sorry guys I keep on asking you what to do when I get confused and upset. But I need someone with a rational approach rather than me acting in emotions.  

He has left me in a very lonely state. I have no friends who I can trust and I don't want to keep on discussing it with my parents to make them upset 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, M666 said:

I definitely don't want revenge. At first I thought maybe I should start contacting his family but now I am leaving it to Allah to serve justice. My revenge will be nothing compared to Allahs justice. Allah works in amazing ways.. I have 100% faith in that. His parents clearly have no sympathy for me. Me crying in front of them will not achieve anything. 

Furthermore I have no time to argue with him. The more I do, the more time I waste. I am going to block him. Enough is enough.  

Can you guys please keep in your prayers. I really need them right now. I want Allah to give me strength. Sorry guys I keep on asking you what to do when I get confused and upset. But I need someone with a rational approach rather than me acting in emotions.  

He has left me in a very lonely state. I have no friends who I can trust and I don't want to keep on discussing it with my parents to make them upset 

Just block him you and your family owe no explanation to them

go find a good man who will treat you as his diamond 

I am your friend and sister 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, M666 said:

I definitely don't want revenge. At first I thought maybe I should start contacting his family but now I am leaving it to Allah to serve justice. My revenge will be nothing compared to Allahs justice. Allah works in amazing ways.. I have 100% faith in that. His parents clearly have no sympathy for me. Me crying in front of them will not achieve anything. 

Furthermore I have no time to argue with him. The more I do, the more time I waste. I am going to block him. Enough is enough.  

Can you guys please keep in your prayers. I really need them right now. I want Allah to give me strength. Sorry guys I keep on asking you what to do when I get confused and upset. But I need someone with a rational approach rather than me acting in emotions.  

He has left me in a very lonely state. I have no friends who I can trust and I don't want to keep on discussing it with my parents to make them upset 

Why do you think you are in a lonely state? We are followers of Allah, AhlulBayt a.s and Imam Mehdi (a.s). Our belief is in presence and help of our Imam of our time. When Allah s.w.t has said in quran "وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِ نَفْسُهُ ۖ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَرِيدِ - 50:16" And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein"

He is closer to us than our jugular vein and knows what our soul whispers to him, why do you feel alone then ? 

 

also many sisters from this forum ( including yours truly) are with you, there is no need to feel lonely or lost. Trust in Allah, ask for a halal relationship ( ask your parents, aunts from mothers / dad's sides ) and I am 100% sure you will find a great partner. Live your life, but just keep doing two things (1 wajib prayer and 2 Ziyarat -e- ashura) and Imam Hussain a.s. has himself said he will take care of the person who reads ziyarat-e-ashura for 40 days.

Edited by peopleofchadar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Just block him you and your family owe no explanation to them

go find a good man who will treat you as his diamond 

I am your friend and sister 

Thank you sister, means a lot. 

I have blocked him just now. I don't want my parents to explain his anything. I want his parents to do the explaining. But they are so heartless I doubt it's gonna work.  

Thank you once again for your kind words. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/8/2018 at 9:00 PM, M666 said:

I am sure there are many nice men out there but here in the UK, everyone is so corrupt and further away from the religion (not judging but they indulge in haram acts) and those who are close to the religion are way too extreme. There is no middle ground. I am 28 and I am really really worried. I feel like I don't have time anymore. This guy wasted so much of my time trying to convince his parents and in the end left me empty handed only because of bad istikhara which he says he can't go against unless ayatollah sistani ( who he has emailed) says he can. I don't have time. He messages me and says he can't stop crying. If someone really wants you they don't cry they make it happen. I am so confused. 

Please keep me in your prayers, I have trust in Allah that whatever will happen will happen for the best inshallah. To be honest I still can't believe this whole thing what has just happened. I still haven't got over the shock yet. 

Get involved involved in muslim organizations, volunteer at the masjid, do charity work, talk to extended family and let them know you are looking. Do Hassanat (good things) that bring Barakat(blessings) to you. Allah(s.w.a) knows what you need. 

28 is not that old, lol. You still have time. Salam. I hope it happens for you very soon,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/02/2018 at 4:39 PM, M666 said:

@Intellectual Resistance

I know I always say this but I just can't thank you enough for your wisdom and counselling. You have no idea how much your feedback here helps me put things into perspective. I have nothing but sincere duas for you. 

You are right. He doesn't have the intention of marrying me. If someone was so desperate he would use all the evidence he could find to marry me but with him it's like I am arguing with him to marry me and then he comes out with some illogical argument to not do it. He is not on my side. I just find it so weird because he apparently went to Pakistan to plan this whole marriage and sort out everything but in the end comes out with istikhara.  When I say you wasted 10 years of my life he says that in those 10 years you were not nice to me. If I was that bad why did he promise me marriage the whole time and claimed to love me.

 

Salam,

You don't need to thank me or any of us here, but keep us in your Duas inshAllah. No doubt this is a particularly difficult situation to be in, and anyone with a heart can empathise.  I just want address the below first:

On 10/02/2018 at 7:34 PM, M666 said:

I forgot to mention, today he said to me because of your behaviour, he can't do anything now to marry me. He would have fought his family but because I called his dad on Watsapp when I was crying, in extreme amount of pain when I hadn't slept all night and he wasn't answering my single call. Me messaging his dad asking him to talk to me or asking his mother to talk to me, literally begging but they would just ignore my message after reading. I said one thing which he is using against me. I said how would you feel if someone treated your daughters the way you are treating me by ignoring my messages and calls. Please have mercy I am someone's daughter. He is basically using that against me and saying that I disrespected his family by saying that. 

Guys I have kept quite for 10 years, I didn't say one word to his family when they used to disrespect me, waste my time and even when they called my parents to their house to talk about marriage and instead they humiliated them. Even then I didn't say one word to his parents but after 10 years of suffering in silence when I finally thought they had accepted me and they made him do istikhara I honestly had to spreak. I didn't disrespect them. I just said call me I need to talk. They were reading my msgs but still didn't say one word. And now he is blaming me saying that I disrespected his parents by asking them to talk to me. I just want leave this whole thing. I want to cut him off completely. 

This is what i call 'Mind-games'. I will speak generally, if anyone tells you they would have fought for you,  then they would have settled the marriage much earlier, and they would never have brought up or played the Istikhara game in this way. The would have not given you so many mixed messages, at one point claiming the Istikhara is done and its over , and then telling you actually even though it was bad they would have fought for you, but it was your behaviour. This is what i call shifting guilt and blame. Someone knows they are in the wrong, and out of guilt look for a scapegoat, look for someone they can blame.

It's downright disrespectful to you and your family for no-one to call and not even respectfully explain the situation, no-one to even talk to you on the phone, no-one to even have the courtesy of writing a message and explaining clear the position. You are being treated with total apathy, and being ignored. You never disrespected his family. Communication is absolutely key, how on earth are people going to resolve anything without talking ?

As you clearly have said, after being treated the way you have been, your parents disrespected greatly when they flew into Pakistan, and the constant false promises, U-Turns, total and abject lack of respect and communication,  you bore it patiently until now you have been totally cheated and deceived, and led on. At this point all you seek is closure, a communication, respectful dialogue about the situation and you aren't even afforded that. Sorry, but what a total and utter joke this is. Absolute madness. There is nothing worse than to give yen years of your life and then to be ghosted and not even afforded the respect for direct and respectful closure, as if you were insignificant and are now just casually disposed of without any respect to at least affording you final words and a goodbye.

On 10/02/2018 at 4:39 PM, M666 said:

@Intellectual Resistance

 

i definitely need closure. I am gonna do that. I am not gonna leave him like this. He is afraid I will call his dad but you know what I will.  It is time that things get discussed. But my dad is too polite he is saying leave it and I know my dad will not say much to his dad. But I want to speak. I have a lot to say. I will make sure I do that. As for evidence, I am gonna show them the evidence but they are blinded by their stubbornness so I have a feeling it won't achieve anything. But I will still call them and speak to him. This has to be done. And as you said after that the no contact phase follows where I cut him off completely. I want to cut him off completely. I want to cut off a manipulator and a liar out of my life. It's a shame because I truely did love him but in the end he stabbed me in the back but I believe now that Allah has better things in store for me than someone like him. I was just thinking if he could lie and use religion to defend it, in life he can stab me anytime on anything.  After all a marriage, life is difficult. If the foundation of this marriage started with lies then I am sure it wouldn't last long. A man is a protector of a woman but around him I never felt protected. Even right now, instead of fearing Allah for wasting a woman's time, he is coming out excuses to follow this "bad Istikhara"...you guys have no idea how long he has been promising me marriage. Since I was 22 till now he would say we will get married this year and then next and next only in the end to put it down to Istikhara. I rejected so many proposals from good guys because I was waiting for him. 

i have learnt a great lesson, maybe it is the hard way and after a long time. I truely think Allah has something better in store for me. I am so fortunate that my parents pray for my well being everyday. Every single day. I am so lucky that my parents support me. My dad even after what he has done to me is responding with patience. For a father, it is difficult to see your child go through this. He is lucky my dad hasn't said a word to him. Allah will serve justice indeed and his justice will be the greatest. He doesn't understand the importance of treating women kindly, not oppressing people, and keeping promises. He is not worthy of me or my time. I think I am in that phase to cut him off completely but first I will speak to his father and family. I honestly do not have the energy left to cry anymore. I have done that enough for the past 5 years when he would disappoint me everyday by breaking his promise of marrying me every year.

 

Sister, you will inshAllah find a guy who will commit much sooner and want to move the process on appropriately just as you do after finding you are both compatible. You won't have to cry, you won't have to here lies, you won't have to be manipulated and just feel absolute uncertainty as to what will happen only to then be disposed of like this at the very last minute.  What you need to do is find a way now to cut him off, because between you and him, this is going no-where right now. The replies you are getting back are not healthy for you to be even hearing right now, so i think it will just be finding a better way to get closure from this all. 

To be honest, if this was someone who committed, who was loyal and didn't deceive, and you had children but then later on fell out and divorced it would be so much more painful. However you have no kids here, you were not married, and the individual in question never committed or gave care for your own emotional and mental well being. You are only attached to him emotionally , but deep down this isn't someone that gives you security or makes you happy. Time will numb that emotional attachment and cutting him out completely will reinforce that. When you meet the right person, even if there are challenges, your foundations will be far more secure, and you will actually be looking forward to getting married, and now spending year after year crying in uncertainty about it.

I am telling you, with time you will look back and just laugh you were ever even with individuals who treat you in this manner. Thats what time does - it numbs emotions and lets you think objectively. However, there is just no doubt ten years is an awfully long time and you will need to mourn, heal, and take that path to recovery.  If you have things going for you, and guys proposing to you, then clearly you're not going to struggle and when you've healed, put yourself out there again and filter out the candidates and when you find the right guy for you, it will just be earth and sky to what you've had to go through here.

This must be so difficult to go through, but i think once you gain closure and completely cut him off and block any avenue whatsoever of him communicating with you, recovery will be on the horizon, and with no kids, only 28, and clearly things going for you, this really is where life starts and so inshAllah you're going to make the rest of your life, the best of your life. The pain you've been put through will only make you appreciate the right person so, so much more.

 

 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/02/2018 at 10:27 PM, M666 said:

I definitely don't want revenge. At first I thought maybe I should start contacting his family but now I am leaving it to Allah to serve justice. My revenge will be nothing compared to Allahs justice. Allah works in amazing ways.. I have 100% faith in that. His parents clearly have no sympathy for me. Me crying in front of them will not achieve anything. 

Furthermore I have no time to argue with him. The more I do, the more time I waste. I am going to block him. Enough is enough.  

Can you guys please keep in your prayers. I really need them right now. I want Allah to give me strength. Sorry guys I keep on asking you what to do when I get confused and upset. But I need someone with a rational approach rather than me acting in emotions.  

He has left me in a very lonely state. I have no friends who I can trust and I don't want to keep on discussing it with my parents to make them upset 

I think maybe discuss it with your parents in a way that they know you will work to getting back, bouncing back in time, and finding someone so much better. You can't bottle this just inside, and talking it out , letting yourself feel the pain, letting yourself mourn and cry is really the only way you'll deal with this best. I know it's hard, but you have to drive through the storm.

You should have so much more respect for yourself than to be treated like this. Seriously. You deserve so much better and you have dignity for the sake of God. No-one should even come close to playing you around for a year, put aside nearing a decade. The one who lost is the one who was dishonest, not the victim. For the perpetrator this might be the start of living the rest of their life with regret. For the victim, this is going to take time to heal but will be the beginning of a much better life inshAllah.

Enough is enough. Seriously. 

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Salam,

You don't need to thank me or any of us here, but keep us in your Duas inshAllah. No doubt this is a particularly difficult situation to be in, and anyone with a heart can empathise.  I just want address the below first:

This is what i call 'Mind-games'. I will speak generally, if anyone tells you they would have fought for you,  then they would have settled the marriage much earlier, and they would never have brought up or played the Istikhara game in this way. The would have not given you so many mixed messages, at one point claiming the Istikhara is done and its over , and then telling you actually even though it was bad they would have fought for you, but it was your behaviour. This is what i call shifting guilt and blame. Someone knows they are in the wrong, and out of guilt look for a scapegoat, look for someone they can blame.

It's downright disrespectful to you and your family for no-one to call and not even respectfully explain the situation, no-one to even talk to you on the phone, no-one to even have the courtesy of writing a message and explaining clear the position. You are being treated with total apathy, and being ignored. You never disrespected his family. Communication is absolutely key, how on earth are people going to resolve anything without talking ?

As you clearly have said, after being treated the way you have been, your parents disrespected greatly when they flew into Pakistan, and the constant false promises, U-Turns, total and abject lack of respect and communication,  you bore it patiently until now you have been totally cheated and deceived, and led on. At this point all you seek is closure, a communication, respectful dialogue about the situation and you aren't even afforded that. Sorry, but what a total and utter joke this is. Absolute madness. There is nothing worse than to give yen years of your life and then to be ghosted and not even afforded the respect for direct and respectful closure, as if you were insignificant and are now just casually disposed of without any respect to at least affording you final words and a goodbye.

 

Sister, you will inshAllah find a guy who will commit much sooner and want to move the process on appropriately just as you do after finding you are both compatible. You won't have to cry, you won't have to here lies, you won't have to be manipulated and just feel absolute uncertainty as to what will happen only to then be disposed of like this at the very last minute.  What you need to do is find a way now to cut him off, because between you and him, this is going no-where right now. The replies you are getting back are not healthy for you to be even hearing right now, so i think it will just be finding a better way to get closure from this all. 

To be honest, if this was someone who committed, who was loyal and didn't deceive, and you had children but then later on fell out and divorced it would be so much more painful. However you have no kids here, you were not married, and the individual in question never committed or gave care for your own emotional and mental well being. You are only attached to him emotionally , but deep down this isn't someone that gives you security or makes you happy. Time will numb that emotional attachment and cutting him out completely will reinforce that. When you meet the right person, even if there are challenges, your foundations will be far more secure, and you will actually be looking forward to getting married, and now spending year after year crying in uncertainty about it.

I am telling you, with time you will look back and just laugh you were ever even with individuals who treat you in this manner. Thats what time does - it numbs emotions and lets you think objectively. However, there is just no doubt ten years is an awfully long time and you will need to mourn, heal, and take that path to recovery.  If you have things going for you, and guys proposing to you, then clearly you're not going to struggle and when you've healed, put yourself out there again and filter out the candidates and when you find the right guy for you, it will just be earth and sky to what you've had to go through here.

This must be so difficult to go through, but i think once you gain closure and completely cut him off and block any avenue whatsoever of him communicating with you, recovery will be on the horizon, and with no kids, only 28, and clearly things going for you, this really is where life starts and so inshAllah you're going to make the rest of your life, the best of your life. The pain you've been put through will only make you appreciate the right person so, so much more.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't you worry, all of you are in my prayers. Your help means a lot to me and coming here and talking to you all is really making me stronger day by day. When I came here I was completely broken, in tears and hadn't slept all night. But now I am healing, all thanks to your advice and this platform where I can discuss my feelings and ask for advice. This is the beauty of our religion, when we see one of our brothers or sisters in pain, we all come together and help out. It is such a blessing that we should be thankful for. 

 

You are 100% accurate on this, he plays mind games. Even the last conversation I had with him, he said "Allah will serve justice" and I am like what are you even saying, you did me wrong and now you are acting like a victim. He is delusional and I am actually grateful now that is marriage is not going ahead. When a person can not differentiate between what is right and wrong, then he is truely delusional and lacks common sense. I just wish this thing became clear way before all this. He thinks he is following the will of Allah by not marrying me, nothing else matters. Funny because he promised me years ago that he will marry me no matter what, even if he had to go against his parents but he took years and years of my life trying to convince them and in the end when they made him do istikhara he couldn't do anything. I just imagine if I got married to him and if he mistreated me or his family treated me like this it would have been a lot worse. Imagine we all packed our stuff, went to Pakistan for the wedding and then the day before they said lets do istikhara! It could have been a lot worse.  It's sad because his parents called my house formally and said we will get our children married. And then go back on their words? These people have no shame.. It is really sad that heartless people like that exist in this world. 

His dad today blocked me on Watsapp. This is the disrespect they gave me. Funnily I never spoke to them, only Salam and that's it. Never contacted them ever. Only now after 10 years of abuse and oppression I said to his father on Watsapp to call me, begged him for mercy while he was reading all my messages he blocked me. What are they hiding from? I doubt they have any guilt in their heart. They should fear Allah as they have daughters in their house too. I would rather not be disrespected. People who can't treasure you are not worthy of you. I honestly thought they accepted me but they didn't. 

If he truely loved me, he would have taken a firm stand and made his parents respect me. He promised me all this though. All those years I was talking to him he said don't worry I will always be there and then when the final stage came in, literally weeks before the wedding he does this. Leaves me empty handed  and then says I am disrespectful. What a joke! I am sick of this now, to be honest I don't want a closure anymore. I told my father to not answer his dad's call if he calls. We are not waiting for him or his family. After all this disrespect I refuse to marry him or be with him. 

I have never been treated so badly in my entire life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am 28 but I look a lot younger than I am, I am educated, I come from a respectable family. Inshallah there will be someone out there for me. Id rather marry someone who has good morals and has a family who loves me not oppress me. He wanted to take me to Pakistan, he would often ask me if I go to Pakistan would I do stuff for his parents. So many red flags but I was just too stupid to realise. i really really hope Allah serves justice and that they think twice before mistreating anyone's daughter. 

My father has recently been diagnosed with diabetes, can you guys please pray for his health too. I feel like the world is just falling down on me all of a sudden. I have done nothing in my life to harm anyone... I really hope Allah helps me out. I am already halfway there thanks to your help and guidance. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Get involved involved in muslim organizations, volunteer at the masjid, do charity work, talk to extended family and let them know you are looking. Do Hassanat (good things) that bring Barakat(blessings) to you. Allah(s.w.a) knows what you need. 

28 is not that old, lol. You still have time. Salam. I hope it happens for you very soon,

Thank you brother.  28 is definitely not old but in Pakistani culture I am sure you know what they think like... Any girl older than 25 is like 50 to them. Most people who are my age are usually married now/ engaged so he has significantly reduced my chances but no doubt Allah will be reward me with a nice man inshallah. Please keep me in your duas. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@M666

Sister i will respond to the rest of your post later inshAllah, but our Duas are for your Father as well. The good news is if he loses weight, and really checks his diet - but most importantly loses weight if he is Type 2 - and has a specific and particular diet, he can really control that diabetes. Many people see dramatic improvements with significant weight loss, and some even see it become a non-issue. Of course this varies and its best to check with the doctor and follow the doctors advice. Everything is still in his control. Make sure he gets his cholesterol checked regularly, maybe even a Echo-Scan (no dye needed its just a gel on the outside and you just check the over all function to see if there is anything major), and general background checks on top of that inshAllah.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

@M666

Sister i will respond to the rest of your post later inshAllah, but our Duas are for your Father as well. The good news is if he loses weight, and really checks his diet - but most importantly loses weight if he is Type 2 - and has a specific and particular diet, he can really control that diabetes. Many people see dramatic improvements with significant weight loss, and some even see it become a non-issue. Of course this varies and its best to check with the doctor and follow the doctors advice. Everything is still in his control. Make sure he gets his cholesterol checked regularly, maybe even a Echo-Scan (no dye needed its just a gel on the outside and you just check the over all function to see if there is anything major), and general background checks on top of that inshAllah.

 

Thank you very much. Means a lot. Well he has type 2 diabetes, he had a test few months ago and the result was not bad. But this time he had the test and it came out quite dangerous. He isn't overweight, and he works out too. He was expecting a better result but unfortunately it didn't come out good. He doesn't eat unhealthy anymore (as far as I am aware). Inshallah he gets it back to normal and controls it.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 12/02/2018 at 6:49 PM, M666 said:

Don't you worry, all of you are in my prayers. Your help means a lot to me and coming here and talking to you all is really making me stronger day by day. When I came here I was completely broken, in tears and hadn't slept all night. But now I am healing, all thanks to your advice and this platform where I can discuss my feelings and ask for advice. This is the beauty of our religion, when we see one of our brothers or sisters in pain, we all come together and help out. It is such a blessing that we should be thankful for. 

 

You are 100% accurate on this, he plays mind games. Even the last conversation I had with him, he said "Allah will serve justice" and I am like what are you even saying, you did me wrong and now you are acting like a victim. He is delusional and I am actually grateful now that is marriage is not going ahead. When a person can not differentiate between what is right and wrong, then he is truely delusional and lacks common sense. I just wish this thing became clear way before all this. He thinks he is following the will of Allah by not marrying me, nothing else matters. Funny because he promised me years ago that he will marry me no matter what, even if he had to go against his parents but he took years and years of my life trying to convince them and in the end when they made him do istikhara he couldn't do anything. I just imagine if I got married to him and if he mistreated me or his family treated me like this it would have been a lot worse. Imagine we all packed our stuff, went to Pakistan for the wedding and then the day before they said lets do istikhara! It could have been a lot worse.  It's sad because his parents called my house formally and said we will get our children married. And then go back on their words? These people have no shame.. It is really sad that heartless people like that exist in this world. 

His dad today blocked me on Watsapp. This is the disrespect they gave me. Funnily I never spoke to them, only Salam and that's it. Never contacted them ever. Only now after 10 years of abuse and oppression I said to his father on Watsapp to call me, begged him for mercy while he was reading all my messages he blocked me. What are they hiding from? I doubt they have any guilt in their heart. They should fear Allah as they have daughters in their house too. I would rather not be disrespected. People who can't treasure you are not worthy of you. I honestly thought they accepted me but they didn't. 

If he truely loved me, he would have taken a firm stand and made his parents respect me. He promised me all this though. All those years I was talking to him he said don't worry I will always be there and then when the final stage came in, literally weeks before the wedding he does this. Leaves me empty handed  and then says I am disrespectful. What a joke! I am sick of this now, to be honest I don't want a closure anymore. I told my father to not answer his dad's call if he calls. We are not waiting for him or his family. After all this disrespect I refuse to marry him or be with him. 

I have never been treated so badly in my entire life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am 28 but I look a lot younger than I am, I am educated, I come from a respectable family. Inshallah there will be someone out there for me. Id rather marry someone who has good morals and has a family who loves me not oppress me. He wanted to take me to Pakistan, he would often ask me if I go to Pakistan would I do stuff for his parents. So many red flags but I was just too stupid to realise. i really really hope Allah serves justice and that they think twice before mistreating anyone's daughter. 

My father has recently been diagnosed with diabetes, can you guys please pray for his health too. I feel like the world is just falling down on me all of a sudden. I have done nothing in my life to harm anyone... I really hope Allah helps me out. I am already halfway there thanks to your help and guidance. 

 

Salam,

Apologies for the delayed reply:

To me , in a very general manner, i will say that to do this to someone and not even have anything to mayor afford them the respect of saying it directly to them, but just ghosting them in this manner is cruelty.  In my view, i feel you've just been led on and used. Maybe it was for company, maybe there was a half-hearted genuine intention to marry you that was never serious, and deep down the other side knew it may not happen.

The way these things should go is as follows:

1. The man should commit, and make it clear the direction he wants to go in, and in how long he wants the marriage.

2. It must not be so far into the distance, and legitimate steps need to be taken before now and then so its pretty clear by his actions it will take place.

3.It should be effortless if its with the right person. There should be excitement, not constant worry and crying year after year.

I don't think it would be right for anyone to say 'just move on and get back to normal come Monday'.  We need to put everything aside and consider what a human being is for a minute, and look at this from the standpoint of a human being with even a teaspoon of empathy. You've been attached for a long time, and this will probably and has probably come as a shock to your system. You brain still has pathways that signal emotional attachment, and it will be hard for you at least in the short term to deal with this. However, you need to allow yourself to mourn, surround yourself with family, and as time goes on you will come to heal inshAllah. 

In my view, what has happened is a guy who used another woman for company, emotional attachment, with a half-hearted intention to marry, took her around the merry-go-round, and then left her at the end in a lot of pain. This is never someone in my view, who truly cared about you. Actions will always speak louder than words, and we will never forget people who should have been there for us, but abandoned us.  The line about you going to Pakistan to 'serve' your would-be  in-laws is chilling. I can almost guarantee there would have been fights, more arbitrary rules on you, drama, and just a very difficult marriage. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 13/02/2018 at 12:15 AM, M666 said:

Thank you very much. Means a lot. Well he has type 2 diabetes, he had a test few months ago and the result was not bad. But this time he had the test and it came out quite dangerous. He isn't overweight, and he works out too. He was expecting a better result but unfortunately it didn't come out good. He doesn't eat unhealthy anymore (as far as I am aware). Inshallah he gets it back to normal and controls it.   

It's a little strange for Diabetes to jump like that. Maybe consider getting another test? When he was tested, how sure was he that he followed the instructions correctly if it was a fasting test? There are a lot of factors that can skew results from diet, to even having food or sugar traces on your fingers if they aren't wiped properly. I would definitely consider doing it again and recording exactly what he ate and being very strict on what he eats before the test - even foods he assumes would be 'okay'. It's worth getting retested. Even if it comes out bad, the good news is medical research and the drugs that have come out can really help him control it, a long with life-style changes inshAllah.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 13/02/2018 at 12:15 AM, M666 said:

Thank you very much. Means a lot. Well he has type 2 diabetes, he had a test few months ago and the result was not bad. But this time he had the test and it came out quite dangerous. He isn't overweight, and he works out too. He was expecting a better result but unfortunately it didn't come out good. He doesn't eat unhealthy anymore (as far as I am aware). Inshallah he gets it back to normal and controls it.   

While it's important to tackle problems head on, and never hide emotions and mourn for what has happened and allow yourself to feel pain, this is still something interesting i thought to share with you:

"A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." 

She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed  incapable of doing anything."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 18 February 2018 at 8:55 AM, Intellectual Resistance said:

 

Salam,

Apologies for the delayed reply:

To me , in a very general manner, i will say that to do this to someone and not even have anything to mayor afford them the respect of saying it directly to them, but just ghosting them in this manner is cruelty.  In my view, i feel you've just been led on and used. Maybe it was for company, maybe there was a half-hearted genuine intention to marry you that was never serious, and deep down the other side knew it may not happen.

The way these things should go is as follows:

1. The man should commit, and make it clear the direction he wants to go in, and in how long he wants the marriage.

2. It must not be so far into the distance, and legitimate steps need to be taken before now and then so its pretty clear by his actions it will take place.

3.It should be effortless if its with the right person. There should be excitement, not constant worry and crying year after year.

I don't think it would be right for anyone to say 'just move on and get back to normal come Monday'.  We need to put everything aside and consider what a human being is for a minute, and look at this from the standpoint of a human being with even a teaspoon of empathy. You've been attached for a long time, and this will probably and has probably come as a shock to your system. You brain still has pathways that signal emotional attachment, and it will be hard for you at least in the short term to deal with this. However, you need to allow yourself to mourn, surround yourself with family, and as time goes on you will come to heal inshAllah. 

In my view, what has happened is a guy who used another woman for company, emotional attachment, with a half-hearted intention to marry, took her around the merry-go-round, and then left her at the end in a lot of pain. This is never someone in my view, who truly cared about you. Actions will always speak louder than words, and we will never forget people who should have been there for us, but abandoned us.  The line about you going to Pakistan to 'serve' your would-be  in-laws is chilling. I can almost guarantee there would have been fights, more arbitrary rules on you, drama, and just a very difficult marriage. 

 

No worries at all. Thank you for your response. 

I have blocked him now and do not intend to unblock him. The last conversation I had before I blocked him, he showed no remorse and kept saying Allah will serve him justice and that Allah is on his side. And that, because of me calling his dad has completely broken him family. There are a lot of things going on in his house because of me. And that Allah will punish me. At the point I thought what was even the point of talking to him so I blocked him and kicked him out of my life. A person with no sense of responsibility for his actions and blames it all on me deserves no chances. I haven't spoken to him. 

I feel a lot better but I am numb. Inside I am very hurt and worried about myself but on the outside I am okay, I am coping with it and keeping myself busy. i just feel enotionless about this situation now, I have cried a lot and have been in a lot of pain. Atleast I am not in pain and anxiety now. I am not hearing excuses everyday, I am not begging him to hurry up. I feel a lot better now but deep down inside I am hurt and in pain. 

Furthermore, the way his family treated me was disgusting and disrespectful. His father blocked me on Watsapp when I told him to call me. They didn't contact me and I feel like my worth is a lot more than that. As you are saying if I married him and he took me to Pakistan, imagine how things would have been when in their hearts they only had hate for me. They got rid of me so I am sure they are happy now. 

My only wish is that Allah serves justice. My father hasn't called their family. And we have just left it. Because in this world he is legally not accountable for what he has done to me but I know in Allahs court he is. I really hope justice is served. 

On a positive note, I am concentrating on myself. I haven't told my parents yet to find me someone as I need time to heal. I have joined a gym and I am trying to look for other activities that will keep me busy.

i feel like without your duas I wouldn't be here. I feel like there is someone who is helping me and that is Allah through your prayers. Your guidance has helped me a lot. I never thought Allah will give me this much strength. Thank you 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 18 February 2018 at 8:57 AM, Intellectual Resistance said:

It's a little strange for Diabetes to jump like that. Maybe consider getting another test? When he was tested, how sure was he that he followed the instructions correctly if it was a fasting test? There are a lot of factors that can skew results from diet, to even having food or sugar traces on your fingers if they aren't wiped properly. I would definitely consider doing it again and recording exactly what he ate and being very strict on what he eats before the test - even foods he assumes would be 'okay'. It's worth getting retested. Even if it comes out bad, the good news is medical research and the drugs that have come out can really help him control it, a long with life-style changes inshAllah.

You are right! It is a little strange. I am not sure if he did the fasting test. He went first thing in the morning, without breakfast. I am gonna ask him to consider doing it again. And you are right, with today's medicine it has become a lot easier to manage diabetes. Thank you for your help. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, M666 said:

You are right! It is a little strange. I am not sure if he did the fasting test. He went first thing in the morning, without breakfast. I am gonna ask him to consider doing it again. And you are right, with today's medicine it has become a lot easier to manage diabetes. Thank you for your help. 

If he had a big meal very late at night, or snacks, or even a drink in the morning it might skew results.  I would definitely consider clarifying exactly what he must eat, when is the last time to do so, what to totally avoid inshAllah. If you get two results like that it's a good idea to just try to get another just incase. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, M666 said:

No worries at all. Thank you for your response. 

I have blocked him now and do not intend to unblock him. The last conversation I had before I blocked him, he showed no remorse and kept saying Allah will serve him justice and that Allah is on his side. And that, because of me calling his dad has completely broken him family. There are a lot of things going on in his house because of me. And that Allah will punish me. At the point I thought what was even the point of talking to him so I blocked him and kicked him out of my life. A person with no sense of responsibility for his actions and blames it all on me deserves no chances. I haven't spoken to him. 

I feel a lot better but I am numb. Inside I am very hurt and worried about myself but on the outside I am okay, I am coping with it and keeping myself busy. i just feel enotionless about this situation now, I have cried a lot and have been in a lot of pain. Atleast I am not in pain and anxiety now. I am not hearing excuses everyday, I am not begging him to hurry up. I feel a lot better now but deep down inside I am hurt and in pain. 

Furthermore, the way his family treated me was disgusting and disrespectful. His father blocked me on Watsapp when I told him to call me. They didn't contact me and I feel like my worth is a lot more than that. As you are saying if I married him and he took me to Pakistan, imagine how things would have been when in their hearts they only had hate for me. They got rid of me so I am sure they are happy now. 

My only wish is that Allah serves justice. My father hasn't called their family. And we have just left it. Because in this world he is legally not accountable for what he has done to me but I know in Allahs court he is. I really hope justice is served. 

On a positive note, I am concentrating on myself. I haven't told my parents yet to find me someone as I need time to heal. I have joined a gym and I am trying to look for other activities that will keep me busy.

i feel like without your duas I wouldn't be here. I feel like there is someone who is helping me and that is Allah through your prayers. Your guidance has helped me a lot. I never thought Allah will give me this much strength. Thank you 

It would have been noble - though no-where near enough to pay for what has been done on you - for someone to be upfront and say that they made a mistake, they should have foreseen their family not wanting this marriage, excuses being made, and to apologise sincerely for wasting your time. However what has happened here is an individual who is innocent being made the criminal, which by consensus of people on this thread is laughable. While there are two sides to any matter, given what you've said, it's rather clear what is going on for any objective individual. 

1. You were wronged. 2. You were deceived. 3. Your parents were totally disrespected. 4. You were lied to under false pretences. 5. You were led on with false hope. 6. You incurred emotional abuse and then were left at the very last moment. 

If you tell me what i really think is happening, i would say guilt. The individual, with due respect and not to backbite, seems to be feeling guilty. When someone feels guilty what can occur is laying the blame on the other person in that way and being very knee-jerky and attacking them. It's what people who are caught doing something wrong do - get extremely defensive and look for someone to blame.  You can take enormous pride that you actually handled this with dignity, and your parents also handled this with dignity as far as i can tell from what you have said, and it is rather clear even to him that this is the case whatever he says, deep down he will always know this. Honestly, i think you've dodged a bullet here. If you had been my Sister, i would have been worried every single day if you married in this context. 

I think at this point, you need to delete any sign of him from your life, and cut out as many things as you can which are strongly linked to him and are feasible to cut out. Those that aren't you need to reinterpret them and take your time in doing so , as you dissociate things you associated with him. This takes time, and you will need something to replace it. Allow yourself to mourn, to cry, to feel angry, to feel loss, to feel upset, because that is how you are going to heal. Accepting your emotions, embracing reality head on, face to face, will be how you heal.

You are doing the right thing now! joining the Gym is an excellent way to not only have something to focus on regularly, but to also improve yourself both mentally and physically, and it releases endorphins which make you feel good. That's excellent. I would try to network even if its with casual friends or family members, try to go on a Holiday, try to find a hobby or work on another one, list down things you've always wanted to do and start to work your way towards them. I also really recommend deep breathing meditation, and when i had crippling anxiety and depression the helped me. There's a lot more i can recommend but in time.

What you are now going to embark on is a process of healing, which will be a period where you will have ups and downs, but you will be moving upwards and in a positive direction overall inshAllah. This might also be an opportunity for you to strengthen your faith as we all need to do so. 

Thank you for your Duas and i hope we all continue to have you in ours. This isn't easy, but having been through some ridiculously difficult things myself, and at times being so down i never felt i would ever see light again, i realised that even darkness must pass, and as cliche as it sounds, when it passes and the Sun shines, it will shine as clear as anything. While good things in life often don't last, the good news is, bad periods are also victim to time, inshAllah.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just also wanted to share a video with you. While this video isn't designed to make out that someone else has a bigger problem, because it must be acknowledged what you are going through is significant, difficult, and would be difficult for many to handle, the idea is that the video offers a message of hope. No matter what your circumstance, there is a way forward, with time, and a way to reach acceptance.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

It would have been noble - though no-where near enough to pay for what has been done on you - for someone to be upfront and say that they made a mistake, they should have foreseen their family not wanting this marriage, excuses being made, and to apologise sincerely for wasting your time. However what has happened here is an individual who is innocent being made the criminal, which by consensus of people on this thread is laughable. While there are two sides to any matter, given what you've said, it's rather clear what is going on for any objective individual. 

1. You were wronged. 2. You were deceived. 3. Your parents were totally disrespected. 4. You were lied to under false pretences. 5. You were led on with false hope. 6. You incurred emotional abuse and then were left at the very last moment. 

If you tell me what i really think is happening, i would say guilt. The individual, with due respect and not to backbite, seems to be feeling guilty. When someone feels guilty what can occur is laying the blame on the other person in that way and being very knee-jerky and attacking them. It's what people who are caught doing something wrong do - get extremely defensive and look for someone to blame.  You can take enormous pride that you actually handled this with dignity, and your parents also handled this with dignity as far as i can tell from what you have said, and it is rather clear even to him that this is the case whatever he says, deep down he will always know this. Honestly, i think you've dodged a bullet here. If you had been my Sister, i would have been worried every single day if you married in this context. 

I think at this point, you need to delete any sign of him from your life, and cut out as many things as you can which are strongly linked to him and are feasible to cut out. Those that aren't you need to reinterpret them and take your time in doing so , as you dissociate things you associated with him. This takes time, and you will need something to replace it. Allow yourself to mourn, to cry, to feel angry, to feel loss, to feel upset, because that is how you are going to heal. Accepting your emotions, embracing reality head on, face to face, will be how you heal.

You are doing the right thing now! joining the Gym is an excellent way to not only have something to focus on regularly, but to also improve yourself both mentally and physically, and it releases endorphins which make you feel good. That's excellent. I would try to network even if its with casual friends or family members, try to go on a Holiday, try to find a hobby or work on another one, list down things you've always wanted to do and start to work your way towards them. I also really recommend deep breathing meditation, and when i had crippling anxiety and depression the helped me. There's a lot more i can recommend but in time.

What you are now going to embark on is a process of healing, which will be a period where you will have ups and downs, but you will be moving upwards and in a positive direction overall inshAllah. This might also be an opportunity for you to strengthen your faith as we all need to do so. 

Thank you for your Duas and i hope we all continue to have you in ours. This isn't easy, but having been through some ridiculously difficult things myself, and at times being so down i never felt i would ever see light again, i realised that even darkness must pass, and as cliche as it sounds, when it passes and the Sun shines, it will shine as clear as anything. While good things in life often don't last, the good news is, bad periods are also victim to time, inshAllah.

 

Yes, it would have been polite if his parents called my parents and formally apologised but I don't think they give us that respect. And I think it is the guy who is at fault because all these years he would tell me that his family is very nice and welcoming and they will welcome me. He would give me false hopes every year that I will marry you this year but it wouldn't happen. He made it seem like he won't leave me ever like this. Even recently he said, before this istikhara thing got in the way that I am going to Pakistan to sort the wedding out. That's why my parents are calling me there. He got there and said I have to do istikhara because a maulana has said its mandatory. That's where everything started to change. He lied to me and when I spoke to everyone here and told him everything you all told me he denied it all. Clearly if he wanted this marriage to go on he could have said to his parents look, I have wasted so much time, I am not following your traditions and I am going to honour the promise. But no, apparently it came out "bad" and now Allah is not happy. I have never seen or heard of anything like this in my whole life. And when I said I will do the istikhara he said you can but my parents won't accept it. If he was not about going against his parents wishes why did he promise me marriage for 10 years. He wasted my time like water just so his parents could be happy and in the end he threw me away like I am worth nothing. And on top of that, he said Allah is on his side. This is emotional abuse on the next level. 

I am so grateful to Allah that I have dodge a bullet. If a man can't stand up for you and what is right then he isn't worth marrying. I hope there is some guilt in his heart but from what I can see I don't think there is. He kept saying why did you contact my parents, you ruined everything.... And I am like I thought the istikhara was bad, you had left me already. It's just mind games and I am tired of all this. I would rather be lonely than be with someone who plays mind games. You guys have no idea how much I used to cry, every year begging him to hurry up. I said look I am getting older hurry up and he would say don't worry I will marry you and in the end the play this whole game. Tomorrow even if he comes begging I won't have him back. I can't even express here in words how I felt. This month he was going to marry me and then he puts everything down to an istikhara. 

What makes it even worse is that all my friends are married now. And now I have to start all over. I feel left out and behind everyone. He left me empty handed. He wasted my time. I cried a lot in those 10 years. I worked hard to get to this stage of marriage and then he did all this to me. these people have no sense of responsibility. If I saw my son do this to a girl I would be scared of Allah. I would fear Allah but their family and him seem to think they are pleasing Allah by not marrying me because of a bad Istikhara. 

I do not miss him at all. I don't want to talk to him. I am just upset that how someone could play me for this long. Someone could promise me and then do that to me. I am hurt. And because of him I hardly have any friends left. He made sure I made him my priority. 

I went to the gym for the second time today and I have to say I really liked it. It made me take my mind of things. I felt relaxed and I felt I am doing something to make myself even more fit. I need to find other productive things to do but my mind is kinda blank. I want to go on a holiday but I have no one to go with me. 

But I am grateful. I am happy that Allah has saved me from evil people. Tomorrow they could have even hit me and my parents who live here in the U.K would have not been able to communicate with me. So I am happy. Just a little worried because I am emotionally unavailable right now for marriage. I find it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can but inshallah when the right person comes in my life I am sure I will be okay. 

 

Thank you for everything. Trust me when I am reading your and other peoples response here I have nothing but sincere duas coming out of my heart. I remember the day when I joined Shia chat I was so lost and felt sick because I was crying when he was telling me that istikhara is mandatory and all that. You guys helped me realise that I am worth a lot more than the lies and deception. Thank you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

I just also wanted to share a video with you. While this video isn't designed to make out that someone else has a bigger problem, because it must be acknowledged what you are going through is significant, difficult, and would be difficult for many to handle, the idea is that the video offers a message of hope. No matter what your circumstance, there is a way forward, with time, and a way to reach acceptance.

 

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful video. Made me feel a lot more positive. I can over come this pain inshallah and I hope Allah rewards me for those 10 years that have been wasted. i am so grateful to Allah for all his blessings. I'm so grateful for being a Muslim and having Muslim brothers and sisters like yourself who help each other in the time of need. I am truly blessed. Thank you 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Its threads like this that keep me on SC, otherwise I would have left a long time ago. 

Sister, you were sincere in asking for help and you received it. The real school is life itself and life is one big series of lessons. The ones who learn the lessons are the ones who succeed, both in this world and hereafter. The ones who ignore the lessons are the ones who fail. Hopefully, you have not ignored the lesson and will succeed.

If words are not backed up by actions, then words don't mean anything. If a guy says, 'I will marry you within x amount of time', and a reasonable amount of time for this is months, not years, and he doesn't, then you should head for the door and not look back. Also the time to bond emotionally with your spouse is after marriage, not before. A sincere man will only promise something if he has the ability to fulfill the promise, and if he promises, he will keep his promise. 

Unfortunately, there are alot of sisters who got married and apparently have a good life, but they have not learned the lessons that you learned, so they may be susceptible to learn these lessons later on, when the consequences are worse. This happens alot, unfortunately. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, starlight said:

Please don't get hurt by my words for my intention is not to twist knife in the wounds. I am writing these words with the most sincere intentions and duas for you and with the hope that some other young sister might read this someday and not fall in the same trap as you did.

Islam is the best of religions and way of life. This thread is tells us why Islam forbade relations even casual friendship between people of opposite sex without a halal relationship. It also tells why islam recommended that a 'Wali' oversee the affairs related to a girl's proposals and marriage.

Ofcourse not, I know you have the purest intention when you say this. It is the truth. I think every girl should read this thread who is in a non Islamic relationship and thinks that the guy who claims to "love" her is guaranteed to marry her. He can walk out of your life any time because you are not married to him, and until you aren't you shouldn't be attaching yourself emotionally to a non mehram. 

In my case unfortunately when my parents found out about him it was too late. Even when his parents and my parents got involved there was no guarantee. As you can see he walked out after 10 years, obviously his parents also had a big part to play. They shouldn't have promised my parents about the marriage by formally calling my parents and then breaking it down to an istikhara. Until you are married , they can walk out of any sort of commitment. It's easy for people to break promise these days. I remember when his parents called my parents to Pakistan to talk about the marriage but instead humiliated them, they said let him and her talk and be "friends" they can marry other ppl. Nothing wrong with being friends. That's the kind of of mentality his parents had. I am glad Allah saved me 

Edited by M666

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Its threads like this that keep me on SC, otherwise I would have left a long time ago. 

Sister, you were sincere in asking for help and you received it. The real school is life itself and life is one big series of lessons. The ones who learn the lessons are the ones who succeed, both in this world and hereafter. The ones who ignore the lessons are the ones who fail. Hopefully, you have not ignored the lesson and will succeed.

If words are not backed up by actions, then words don't mean anything. If a guy says, 'I will marry you within x amount of time', and a reasonable amount of time for this is months, not years, and he doesn't, then you should head for the door and not look back. Also the time to bond emotionally with your spouse is after marriage, not before. A sincere man will only promise something if he has the ability to fulfill the promise, and if he promises, he will keep his promise. 

Unfortunately, there are alot of sisters who got married and apparently have a good life, but they have not learned the lessons that you learned, so they may be susceptible to learn these lessons later on, when the consequences are worse. This happens alot, unfortunately. Salam. 

Salam, 

Thank you brother for your support and wise words. I came on this forum just to ask one question, thinking it would help me and him out because he was making it out to be that istikhara was mandatory and he didn't wanted to do it but he had no choice. But you all helped me not only by answering my question, but by providing me emotional support along with ways to get out of this situation. You helped me identify the main problem and his true intentions. Thank you. Everytime I feel sad I just come on Shia chat, type how I feel here and someone comes in to offer support. Thank you. May Allah bless you all. You are always in my prayers. Allah is witnessing you all helping someone who you don't even know to such an extent that they can think rationally. May Allah reward you all. 

I may have my faults as no one is perfect but one thing was for certain that my intentions to marry him were pure. I have learned a great lesson here and I will not be repeating the same mistake. Just keep me in your duas. That's all I need. I can't believe how fast I am recovering from this. I never thought I would let go of him, esp after 10 years. But he was toxic and kept me in a lot of pain. It was painful listening to promises of marriage each and every year and I had enough. Atleast that phase of my life is over. I wish I walked out of all this a long time ago, but I was a lot younger and naive. I did walk out when I was 22 but he persuaded me that he will marry me and then Led me on for more time and then used religion to make himself not feel guilty about doing all this to me. I hope this doesn't happen to any girl. No one deserves this. I strongly urge people to not get involved in haram relationships no matter how innocent they may seem and how genuine the other person is. If he isn't married to you, you shouldn't be speaking to him. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam everyone, 

hope you are all well. Guys today I feel really broken, I think my strength is wearing out now. I do not miss him but I feel so betrayed and mistreated. I feel like unblocking him today and telling him how he has mistreated me and asking him, why did you do all this? After I gave him 10 years of life because he promised me marriage no matter what. When I showed him that istikhara was not mandatory but still he manipulated it in a way that he could use it as an excuse to leave me. After all these years when I thought finally, I can breath in peace at the very last moment he blew everything apart for me. All these dreams I had and he left me empty handed and not feel responsible for it.. 

I want to ask him why he followed me when I left him at the age of 22 when his mother was not agreeing to this marriage. He called me 100 times a day to get back with him because he would marry me immediately. 

His parents asked for my proposal but do not even feel accountable from the promise they broke? He promised me marriage and doesn't feel accountable for anything. I know contacting him will not achieve anything. But I want him to know that he should feel responsible for all this. He should not be allowed to move on and live his life happily when he has wasted so much of my time. I am so lonely now. I have no friends left. Praying is not helping me either  

Edited by M666

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, M666 said:

Salam everyone, 

hope you are all well. Guys today I feel really broken, I think my strength is wearing out now. I do not miss him but I feel so betrayed and mistreated. I feel like unblocking him today and telling him how he has mistreated me and asking him, why did you do all this? After I gave him 10 years of life because he promised me marriage no matter what. When I showed him that istikhara was not mandatory but still he manipulated it in a way that he could use it as an excuse to leave me. After all these years when I thought finally, I can breath in peace at the very last moment he blew everything apart for me. All these dreams I had and he left me empty handed and not feel responsible for it.. 

I want to ask him why he followed me when I left him at the age of 22 when his mother was not agreeing to this marriage. He called me 100 times a day to get back with him because he would marry me immediately. 

His parents asked for my proposal but do not even feel accountable from the promise they broke? He promised me marriage and doesn't feel accountable for anything. I know contacting him will not achieve anything. But I want him to know that he should feel responsible for all this. He should not be allowed to move on and live his life happily when he has wasted so much of my time. I am so lonely now. I have no friends left. Praying is not helping me either  

WalaykumSalaam Sister,

You are going to have bad days like this when you feel down. They are inevitable. Unblocking him and calling him won't yield any good answer because you already know the answer more or less. I know it's incredibly hard, and you might not feel like anything i am saying is right at the moment but you need to hang on , and not message him - ever again. He knows what he has done, he is probably well aware of it, and it was quite clear to everyone including us on here what was really happening.

Your brain is still attached to him, and there are pathways that are still there over the time you've developed them. If you hang on to no-contact, those pathways will decrease and you will think of him less and less.  However the key thing is to not contact him again, this is your chance to rebuild and move on and you have a wonderful opportunity.  I would personally write down everything you feel on a piece of paper, and then bury it, or find someone you can let this all out to, preferably a sister (friend). 

Your anger is so understandable, and i know you feel a sense of betrayal and that it was absolutely unfair on you, and that he should sink too. However for your sake, so he does no more damage to you and this whole experience does no more damage, you must keep no contact and you must slowly let go. 

It is so hard, and i can imagine. Try to really distract yourself in these initial periods, while also letting yourself cry, mourn or feel sad. Try not to be alone , or have nothing planned for the day, keep yourself busy, whatever it is. You are in our duas sister, this must be hard.  You're going through the storm and if you just keep going you're going to come out of the other end soon.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...