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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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Let's say this Istikhara goes ahead, what do you have?:

1. A marriage which starts of where people can not objectively appreciate the argument of the other, and where people will be biased by what their mother / father says and what culture wants. (i.e you're the victim here). How will you agree on fundamental things in your life ?

2. Being strung along for a decade and then suddenly having this pop-up. Where was it before ? If someone is serious, they would have told their parents about you very early on, and moved through this process much sooner. The whole thing is a facade of games.

3. Parents who have been humiliated, to the extent even your father doesn't want this to go ahead. They flew all the way to Pakistan under the pretence things would go ahead to then be dropped the bombshell that the prospective mother and father in law want nothing to do with you - something echoed with your brother.

4. A potential son in law who wants you to go and live and 'serve' his mother in law. This will not end well in most cases, you already have a flavour of what that might be like, and if you even think about doing that, there will be many more fights and clashes that could occur further on. I am not saying this will happen, i am saying it is a possibility.

Ultimately, you know this guy and you know other positive things i guess, so it's up to you to take it all into account holistically and then make a decision. 

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1 hour ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

My reply would be:

I'm a 28 year old woman. I've been here for ten years, where i have tried to push you for marriage and commitment, for many, many years.  Do you not think as a woman , at this age and where i am heading towards approaching 30s, i do not feel a sense of pain and uncertainty at being given false promises of commitment and marriage over the years? 

You claim the i am bringing half-cooked arguments, and using the religion of Allah. Let me testify one thing, and Allah is my witness, Istikhara is only used in these cases if at all, when there is cause for great doubt. However if you are able to ascertain the Taqwah of the other person, their righteousness, and their honesty and see you are compatible , it is not required and many scholars have even criticised its abuse in these cases. If you objectively go and read books on Istikhara, not constrained by what culture says but by what Allah, his apostle, and the purified progeny [asws] have said, relayed by scholars such as Sayed Sistani and others, you will know what i am saying is Haq. Furthermore, if you had been so constrained by culture, why did you not make this clear earlier, rather than make false promises of marriage? Did not the Messenger of Allah [saw] say that a believer is one who keeps his promise? Do you think it just to lead someone on for a decade and then pull up and say this? 

You then claim that your family was all for our marriage. However when you had stated that my parent were to visit your parents and fly over, what happened? They made the journey hoping they could finally secure some stability for their daughter, but were met with abuse and ridicule. Imagine a mother and father flying over to discuss what you said would be a marriage contract and then being told that the sons parents do not want this marriage to go ahead whatsoever? I ask you to objectively ponder and ask yourself: Is that respectful? Is that the sign of people who want the marriage to go ahead, who respect my parents at all?  You claim i am hurting and disrespecting your family, but i ask you, in the name of our creator to question whether this act itself, let alone the false promises and everything else that has occurred, is a sign of respect, or a sign of total and utter humiliation? 

I too believe in the justice of Allah, the Almighty. I believe in having a sense of humanity and a sense of empathy. Recognising that a Womans emotions are not to be played around with, and that she only wants honesty and transparency. That means you should not have given false promises of marriage and commitment if you knew your parents did not want the marriage, something mind, your brother also admitted to. This means you should understand that i put my entire life on hold for you, rejected so many other proposals, because i believed you when you said you would marry me and commit. However, all you have done is given false promises, year after year. You've failed to commit, failed to be honest, failed to be transparent, and failed to show any leadership. Any objective minded person can come to their own conclusion as to what the reality of the situation is, and i fear that even if this marriage were to go ahead, if we have problems like this before getting married, pray do well what on earth will occur after marriage? Will we have any autonomy in our marriage? Will it be constantly like this?

I have made my decision. While i am not old yet, if this dragged on further and i hit my 30s marriage would be much harder for me to get. I'm still in my 20s, and i want someone honest, someone transparent, someone who can make his own decisions, who wants to commit more than i do. Someone who can give me stability, security, who has enough empathy to recognise a just argument objectively, without the constraints of his or her own biases. That i say, is not just important to get married but will be a foundation throughout the marriage. I'm a woman, and a womans heart can be sensitive, and her emotions can be played around with. However i seek strength in Allah, and this is a lesson learned.

 

 

Thank you so much for this. You have put my thoughts and feelings in a very articulate manner. I kind of need that because emotions are making me unable to say anything in this way. I remained quite for so long. He told me never to contact his parents, at times I would want to but I never said anything to them. Now when he is crossing all the limits I have no option but to ring his dad but he doesn't answer. I send him messages on Watsapp and because of this he is saying I am "disrespecting his parents and family". He cares about disrespect when he has completely torn me apart. All my hopes and dreams. 

I would also like to add one more thing.  before I met him, I was a regular 17-18 year old teenager. I had friends. When I started talking to him I distanced a little from all my friends because as I was in a long distance relationship (which i acknowledge was haram). He made sure my world revolved around him. Everything I did, was around him and me being naive and stupid didn't think it was bad. I did keep a few good friends which I still have now. But I kind of feel ashamed of meeting because they are all married (quite recently) and I feel a little embarrassed and left out. They know about this whole situation and can't believe him. So generally I have a very lonely life. I just go to work, come back and talk to him and then repeat. I don't have any older brother or sister, I wish there was someone there to guide me and stop me from all this but he made sure I made him my priority which was my mistake. I kept the relationship very low key that my parents didn't notice it either and when they found out it was too late. I was too emotionally invested in it. 

If he did this to me a little bit earlier I would have been okay but this has come to me as a shock. I feel like I don't have enough time. I don't want to be married when I am in my 30s. If it was upto me I would have loved to be married by the age of 25 but he didn't let that happen. Luckily i am healthy and very fortunate in other aspects of my life by the grace of Allah... So I'm sure I'll find someone but it's shameful that I have been sitting at my parents home all this time and wasting my potential for someone like him who in the end gave in to his parents. He knew his parents were everything to him so why did he string me along to follow them and their cultural practices. 

Allah has told mankind to protect women but it's clear in their household women are just seen as objects who bear children, cook and clean. If they respected me they would have atleast had the courtesy to call me but they don't even answer call. It's funny because to my dad they said they want to make me their daughter. My dad was skeptical but I was the one pushing it and telling him to believe in him and his parents. So many times I had arguments with my parents for him but for the last year I didn't because I realised that my parents mean the world to me. I said to my dad today to call his house and talk to him but he said leave it. I don't want to disrespect his dad or anyone. That is the character of my dad when he can see and hear his daughter cry everyday. My mother hears me cry everyday. 

and you are right, after all this my heart doesn't want to marry into that family. I don't trust him or his family anymore. I would not even trust them to look after my pet cat let alone myself. He said he went to another maulana today and he said he explained to him the whole situation and he will do another istikhara at the time of fajr.. I am tired of these games now. I feel sick. But on the positive side I am trying to do other things, like go out on drives, buy a few things, pray to Allah and ofcourse talk to you guys here. 

I do want to talk to his parents though to give this a closure. They just don't pick up my calls but I want to. I want to speak to them I do know that won't achieve anything because their hearts are cold. 

 

Today he he also sent me a voice clip which is apparently from someone who is a scholar of ayatollah sistani. It said that if you have done istikhara once don't do it again. He just doesn't understand the foundation of this istikhara is wrong what he did. I just can't argue with him anymore.

Lastly, @Intellectual Resistance I want to thank you for your kind words and this amazing knowledge and counselling you are providing me. I look forward to reading your feedback here and I find peace in your words. Thank you so much. May Allah bless you and give you all the happiness in this world and hereafter 

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To add to what has already been said, sister I would highly recommend that if you dont offer prayer (5 times a day), start offering prayer. The immense pleasure and peace prayer offers, nothing will. 

True justice, punishment and judgement is with Allah alone : 
 

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Verily, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and He forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

Surat An-Nahl 16:90

And Allah said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا

Verily, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Verily, Allah is ever hearing and seeing.

Surat An-Nisa 4:58

 

 

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10 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I hesitated to talk about this issue in the past because I am not Indian / Pakistani. So hearing things from an 'outsider' might night sit right with some brothers and sisters here who are good and I didn't want to offend them. Also I have friends in the community who are from Pakistan and India and most of them are good, mumin/a people with good values who take care of their families and even extended families. 

But when it comes to marriage, I think, most of the time, the mother of the potential groom has too much power. I have seen this happen several times in our community here in Dearborn. The potential bride / groom / and brides father are fine with the marriage, then someone else comes in a steps in between the potential husband and wife to sabotage the relationship for their own personal, non Islamic reasons. If it is another family member, it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. If it is the groom's mother, it almost always works since it seems many men in Pakistan have no ability to view their mother's actions objectively. They look at every action of their mother as if she is masooma, and intellectionally and rationally they know she is not that. We should respect our parents, but at the same time, they are human beings with good and bad qualities and they sometimes do things that are not in our best interest. That's why Allah(s.w.a) gave us our own mind and our own heart, so we could be the final decider of our actions and not someone else because we (and not other people) will be held accountable for our actions. 

 handling a child over to someone else might be difficult!! I may not know so much but a big difference between eastern and western "mother Kingdom " is that eastern mum's are working women they have many more activities along with their children but in West (Pakistan/India) all the concentration of a mother is her child,her world only revolves around her house her children because she is a house wife all she act is as wife or mother.. so giving her kid's rope in other hand after a long long time..that's tough!! So all she want is what she want because she is a mother and mother knows the best:rolleyes:which can be hard or wrong sometimes!! :itsok:

Blind pursuance to ANYONE  is not a responsible act..

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30 minutes ago, peopleofchadar said:

To add to what has already been said, sister I would highly recommend that if you dont offer prayer (5 times a day), start offering prayer. The immense pleasure and peace prayer offers, nothing will. 

True justice, punishment and judgement is with Allah alone : 
 

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Verily, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving to relatives and He forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

Surat An-Nahl 16:90

And Allah said:

إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا

Verily, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Verily, Allah is ever hearing and seeing.

Surat An-Nisa 4:58

 

 

Thank you for this. And you are right I need to start praying more to put my heart at ease, make things easy for myself and find inner peace. I am gonna be honest, I am not regular in my prayers and I am totally aware of that. However, I will try to be more regular in them. Maybe all of this is a result of me being ungrateful to Allah for all his blessings by not offering regular prayers. Thank you so much for your advice, I need to establish a relationship with Allah first then consider having it with one of his creation. Maybe I should have listened to my parents when they told me this guy isn't right for me. I kept defending him because I saw some qualities in him such as loyalty, love and care. But I am doubting them now and thinking maybe they didn't exist before. By doing what he is doing to me now shows lack of care, concern and standing up to the truth and religion over his parents wishes. By all means I am not saying that he should disrespect his parents. I would have made sure I would have given his parents the same love and care that I give to my parents if he chose to marry me. 

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I want to leave it all and I am going to. But I want to give this all a closure. He is a disgusting person and I do not want to marry him. To end all of this he is now blaming it all on my dad. His dad and my dad had a disagreement on mehr but that got resolved. But now he is bring that up as a reason for doing istakhara. This is what he is saying: 

 

Istekhara happens all the time and everyone does it before.marriage in pakistan..I have given you example after example, with my brothers, with father and even before that

And it also became important to do istekhara casue the whole issue with mehr created a limbo state..where Your dad put the whole marriage in jeoperdy" 

 

He is basically blaming that diagreement between his dad and my dad on mehr for all this now. When it got resolved and everything became fine. He doesn't consider the time when his parents called my parents to Pakistan to insult them. My dad watching me cry everyday yet agreeing because of my happiness. His family mistreating me by not calling me or asking me how I was. And only a day or two ago his brother recomfirming that his parents in their heart don't want this marriage this is why they never spoke to you or called you.

i want to give this all a closure. I want to talk to his dad or make my dad call. Should I do that because now he is blaming everything on my dad and his intention

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16 minutes ago, M666 said:

I want to leave it all and I am going to. But I want to give this all a closure. He is a disgusting person and I do not want to marry him. To end all of this he is now blaming it all on my dad. His dad and my dad had a disagreement on mehr but that got resolved. But now he is bring that up as a reason for doing istakhara. This is what he is saying: 

 

Istekhara happens all the time and everyone does it before.marriage in pakistan..I have given you example after example, with my brothers, with father and even before that

And it also became important to do istekhara casue the whole issue with mehr created a limbo state..where Your dad put the whole marriage in jeoperdy" 

 

He is basically blaming that diagreement between his dad and my dad on mehr for all this now. When it got resolved and everything became fine. He doesn't consider the time when his parents called my parents to Pakistan to insult them. My dad watching me cry everyday yet agreeing because of my happiness. His family mistreating me by not calling me or asking me how I was. And only a day or two ago his brother recomfirming that his parents in their heart don't want this marriage this is why they never spoke to you or called you.

i want to give this all a closure. I want to talk to his dad or make my dad call. Should I do that because now he is blaming everything on my dad and his intention

 

Sister only Allah has absolute knowledge of the predestined, and marriage is predestined by him. We can see this in the case of marriage of Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Bibi Fatima (A.S) : 

 

Quote

By dint of obedience and service to God, Fatima Zahra rose to the highest rank in His sight, as attested by Al-Qur’an al-Majid. God bestowed the greatest honors upon her, and the Prophet of Islam, on his part, showed her the mark of greatest respect, one which he did not show to any other man or woman at any time in his life.

When Fatima grew up, two old companions – first one and then the other – asked her father for her hand in marriage. But he turned away from them in disgust, and said:

“This matter of the marriage of Fatima, my daughter, is in the hands of Allah Himself, and He alone will select a spouse for her”.

Allah duly made His selection. He selected His slave, Ali ibn Abi Talib, to be the spouse of the daughter of His most favorite slave, Muhammad Mustafa. He wished to see Fatima bint Muhammad and Ali ibn Abi Talib married.



To me, disagreement between families (even small) before marriage already shows to you that maybe Allah is protecting you from a life full of pain. As already mentioned above

I dont want to comment on (he said/she said) and I would encourage you not to indulge in this practice aswell - because even if you are sure that the other person is wrong, our religion forbids the practice, as this is gheebah :  

Quote

Abu Dharr (r) once asked the Prophet Muhammad (s): “O Messenger of Allah, what is gheebah?
He replied: “It is to mention about your brother that which he detests.”
Abu Dharr (r) said: “O Messenger of Allah, what if that which is mentioned of him should actually be in him?
He (s) replied: “Know that when you mention that which is in him, you have committed his gheebah, and when you mention that which is not in him, then you have slandered him.”[Al-Hurr al-`Amili, Wasai'l al-Shi`ah, vol. 8, hadith no. 16312]


As I mentioned in my previous post judgement, punishment and justice is with Allah alone. Thus closure can ONLY be achieved if Allah sees that this has made you closer to HIM, his prophet and the holy progeny. If you keep a fast, if you offer your namaz, if you read quran, etc that is actual closure. 

In my opinion nothing will be gained by talking to his family. Why do you think you need their "approval". You should absolutely 100% cut complete ties with him, it is his loss that not yours. You are in your 20s, you are still quite young and should not sweat about it too much ( as you mentioned you have had proposals for you) You want to continue in your life with peace of mind, and holding your head up high in front of Allah alone, and not his family. 
 

As you can see by example I wrote above of hazrat ali a.s and hazrat fathima a.s, marriage and matches are made in heaven. Everthing Ahahl-ul-bayt a.s did was so that we can learn. So the only true closure you can get in this case is by praying to Allah, so you can get the match HE has destined for you. 

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27 minutes ago, peopleofchadar said:

 

Sister only Allah has absolute knowledge of the predestined, and marriage is predestined by him. We can see this in the case of marriage of Hazrat Ali (a.s) and Bibi Fatima (A.S) : 

 



To me, disagreement between families (even small) before marriage already shows to you that maybe Allah is protecting you from a life full of pain. As already mentioned above

I dont want to comment on (he said/she said) and I would encourage you not to indulge in this practice aswell - because even if you are sure that the other person is wrong, our religion forbids the practice, as this is gheebah :  


As I mentioned in my previous post judgement, punishment and justice is with Allah alone. Thus closure can ONLY be achieved if Allah sees that this has made you closer to HIM, his prophet and the holy progeny. If you keep a fast, if you offer your namaz, if you read quran, etc that is actual closure. 

In my opinion nothing will be gained by talking to his family. Why do you think you need their "approval". You should absolutely 100% cut complete ties with him, it is his loss that not yours. You are in your 20s, you are still quite young and should not sweat about it too much ( as you mentioned you have had proposals for you) You want to continue in your life with peace of mind, and holding your head up high in front of Allah alone, and not his family. 
 

As you can see by example I wrote above of hazrat ali a.s and hazrat fathima a.s, marriage and matches are made in heaven. Everthing Ahahl-ul-bayt a.s did was so that we can learn. So the only true closure you can get in this case is by praying to Allah, so you can get the match HE has destined for you. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

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7 minutes ago, M666 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

I will give you the same advice, I would've given to my own sister or friend - cut all contact with him as fast as you can. You sound like a reasonable and smart girl, so just move ahead with you life. (As I dont know your father, this whole situation and his temperament) If you think that your father and his father would not get into argument, then you can ask your father to call his father and to end it amicably, otherwise if you think they will get into an argument, then I think its better to leave it as it will only end up giving you father and family more pain. 

Sister when you mention "I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me" -  I would say it shouldn't matter to you at all what their family thinks, trust that Allah will 100% question them (in this world - in hereafter) .  You should think about yourself and what our Imam teachings are and how to keep your parents at peace. Allah is watching and he will provide justice, thus leave it to Him and let Him decide the best course. Remember you want to have a stress-free and problem-free life, which means letting this matter go(I know this is easy to say than to be able to do it). It is going to be difficult and it is going to be hard (as you said pain is unreal), but this is exactly where Allah and purity of your belief in Allah will shines through. There are many supplications at http://www.duas.org/worries.htm to help and guide you through this worrisome time. Imagine the reward Allah will give you for remembering Allah, even when the times got hard ? 
Wa-asalam

 

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On 04/02/2018 at 9:52 PM, M666 said:

Thank you so much for this. You have put my thoughts and feelings in a very articulate manner. I kind of need that because emotions are making me unable to say anything in this way. I remained quite for so long. He told me never to contact his parents, at times I would want to but I never said anything to them. Now when he is crossing all the limits I have no option but to ring his dad but he doesn't answer. I send him messages on Watsapp and because of this he is saying I am "disrespecting his parents and family". He cares about disrespect when he has completely torn me apart. All my hopes and dreams. 

I would also like to add one more thing.  before I met him, I was a regular 17-18 year old teenager. I had friends. When I started talking to him I distanced a little from all my friends because as I was in a long distance relationship (which i acknowledge was haram). He made sure my world revolved around him. Everything I did, was around him and me being naive and stupid didn't think it was bad. I did keep a few good friends which I still have now. But I kind of feel ashamed of meeting because they are all married (quite recently) and I feel a little embarrassed and left out. They know about this whole situation and can't believe him. So generally I have a very lonely life. I just go to work, come back and talk to him and then repeat. I don't have any older brother or sister, I wish there was someone there to guide me and stop me from all this but he made sure I made him my priority which was my mistake. I kept the relationship very low key that my parents didn't notice it either and when they found out it was too late. I was too emotionally invested in it. 

If he did this to me a little bit earlier I would have been okay but this has come to me as a shock. I feel like I don't have enough time. I don't want to be married when I am in my 30s. If it was upto me I would have loved to be married by the age of 25 but he didn't let that happen. Luckily i am healthy and very fortunate in other aspects of my life by the grace of Allah... So I'm sure I'll find someone but it's shameful that I have been sitting at my parents home all this time and wasting my potential for someone like him who in the end gave in to his parents. He knew his parents were everything to him so why did he string me along to follow them and their cultural practices. 

Allah has told mankind to protect women but it's clear in their household women are just seen as objects who bear children, cook and clean. If they respected me they would have atleast had the courtesy to call me but they don't even answer call. It's funny because to my dad they said they want to make me their daughter. My dad was skeptical but I was the one pushing it and telling him to believe in him and his parents. So many times I had arguments with my parents for him but for the last year I didn't because I realised that my parents mean the world to me. I said to my dad today to call his house and talk to him but he said leave it. I don't want to disrespect his dad or anyone. That is the character of my dad when he can see and hear his daughter cry everyday. My mother hears me cry everyday. 

and you are right, after all this my heart doesn't want to marry into that family. I don't trust him or his family anymore. I would not even trust them to look after my pet cat let alone myself. He said he went to another maulana today and he said he explained to him the whole situation and he will do another istikhara at the time of fajr.. I am tired of these games now. I feel sick. But on the positive side I am trying to do other things, like go out on drives, buy a few things, pray to Allah and ofcourse talk to you guys here. 

I do want to talk to his parents though to give this a closure. They just don't pick up my calls but I want to. I want to speak to them I do know that won't achieve anything because their hearts are cold. 

 

Today he he also sent me a voice clip which is apparently from someone who is a scholar of ayatollah sistani. It said that if you have done istikhara once don't do it again. He just doesn't understand the foundation of this istikhara is wrong what he did. I just can't argue with him anymore.

Lastly, @Intellectual Resistance I want to thank you for your kind words and this amazing knowledge and counselling you are providing me. I look forward to reading your feedback here and I find peace in your words. Thank you so much. May Allah bless you and give you all the happiness in this world and hereafter 

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through Sister, i can't imagine how difficult this must be. In essence, it won't be easy letting this go. If you've known someone for ten years, or a decade, that is a long time for anyone. No-one can come here and say 'just forget him and move on' because it is a little bit more complicated than that. If you are intending on ending this pursuit, and your parents clearly support you too, then you'll need to get closure from this. No Contact comes after closure.

Let me just put it this way, you've been talking to their son for a decade, and they've met you, your parents and surely, just surely after all this time even the mother could talk to you , or even talk to your mother. The silence, the lack of any real communication, is what is worrying here to be honest. All it would take is an honest, frank one hour phone call where people clearly relay their positions and qualms.

Now, as for doing Istikhara, the sad thing here is, it isn't to be done if you can ascertain someones qualities the logical way. Some scholars even seem to be a little bit against it when it comes to using it right off the bat for marriage. Even if we argue this is part of culture and goes ahead a lot, why not do it earlier ? Why not do it long before, when you had not invested so many years? If you're going to make a claim you'll reject someone over what page of the Quran their finger touches on after randomly opening it and making Dua, you'd better do that pretty early on so people know where they stand.  You don't do it after stringing someone a long for such a long time, you do it early on if at all - and i don't think it should even be done in most cases when it comes to Marriage.

I'm pretty sure you are aware of this, but when a South-Asian prospective Mother in Law wants to make you like her daughter, and i speak generally and not for this case, it will usually translate to a glorified maid. You will not have autonomy, you will not feel free and independent in making decisions with your husband, because the infamous MIL (mother in law) will exert her power and control and authority, and the moment you step outside of any norm she has, or a way of doing things, you will pay for that. Sometimes they can be passive-aggressive and give you the cold shoulder, other times they can back-bite about you to their sons and cause rifts and arguments. Look, maybe this doesn't always happen but i say it happens way too often. 

This is another red-flag. How can you tell someone an Istikhara has come out bad, but you're going to go ahead and do another one with the same intention? Is it like rolling dice now when playing snakes-and ladders, where you're going to keep rolling until you get the number you want? That is emotional abuse and throws people into uncertainty and confusion. That's my opinion honestly. There are far more valid ways to ascertain if people are compatible and will work long term - or the likelihood of that. If a potential marriage puts someone in so much confusion and doubt that one could argue an Istikhara is needed, that itself is a red-flag.

Whatever you decide, you will definitely need closure. You will need direct communication, and your parents too with their parents. It is very important how you're going to seek out this closure, and i totally agree with your need for that. We are all praying for you here, and this is definitely a difficult situation to be going through right now Sister. Time does heal, even darkness must pass, and keep faith in Allah [swt], maybe some good could be coming out of this. 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, M666 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and wisdom. I am not trying to do that but my main question I think I wasn't a bit clear on was that he is saying that your dad created problems. I am thinking should I make my father call his father and speak to him or not? 

I have no doubt that Allah is the best judge and he will serve justice. I know as a human I have no power to do anything but Allah, being the all knowing and powerful will question him and his parents on the day of judgement for this mistreatment I have suffered. Everything he has done is a warning sign and I now believe 100% percent that Allah is saving me. I don't want to go with the marriage either because he has made me not trust him anymore. 

 

I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me. This is why I am wondering should my father call them or not? I have suffered a lot of emotional pain because of this because the marriage was planned this month. I hope you can understand this situation. By your help I am a lot better than what I would have been right now. But I still feel that maybe my dad should call them once? So they know that I have someone and it's wrong how they are treating me. I am sorry if I am coming across desperate but I am extremely hurt. I showed him an article today on istikhara. And he said to me why are you believing articles? I don't think there is anything I can do. It's weird how someone can change within a matter of days. He is just looking for any excuse to justify the fact that istikhara is mandatory and everyone else and all the facts I have presented are false. I want to move on now but the pain is unreal and it will take a little time for me to heal. 

And when you get closure, even if you aren't able to fully exercise your full upset at the betrayal, remember that Allah is there, he is a witness to all of this, and almost everyone who has posted on this thread has come to a consensus that you have been totally toyed with here. You can leave - if you do - with your head held hight , you played your part, you did what you could, and this will be their loss. Had it been your fault, you might have regretted this a lot, and found it much more difficult to get over.

 

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@Intellectual Resistance thank you so much for your response. You have no idea how much your feedback here makes me feel stronger and stronger day by day. You know exactly how I feel. You are right. For a decade he promised me marriage and then he bought it all down to istikhara where a maulana who he barely knows would flick the Quran and pick out the surrah and then from there they will perceive what they want to perceive. It is total injustice. His statement changed from time to time. First it was wajib, then it became inportant and a part of culture in their house, and lastly it was all down to my dad. It just didn't seem right. I will giving this a closure by making my dad speak to his dad. It has to be done. My parents are my guardians and my father is my protector. They need to speak to my father. No one plays games with someone else's child like that.esp for this long. 

 

I do understand why people are telling me to forget about him. They want the best for me and that is the ideal thing to do. But in this case where someone's emotions have been played for 10 years it is a little complicated. 

 

When I said to him why didn't you do istikhara earlier he said he didn't know That it was important. He did know everyone in his family did it but he didn't know that it will come out bad. He said everyone in his family was ready for the wedding but the evidence suggest otherwise, as in his parents not contacting me at all during the time he made me his fiancé, and his brother confirmed that his parents did not want this marriage in their heart and only spoke to my parents because he forced it. 

 

I really don't know what made him change his mind. He always stood up to me but now this istikhara situation has made him follow the wrong thing. He has turned a blind eye to all the facts and he keeps saying that Allah doesn't want this marriage so I won't do it. He also said to me that he will do second istikhara. He did that by asking a maulana and apparently he did that and it came out bad. He also asked someone in Kerbala and that istikhara was bad too. Every istikhara was bad and he said that is a sign that Allah doesn't want this marriage. Something bad will happen to us if we get married. So we shouldn't go ahead with it. Allah is not happy with this marriage. He said that if you email ayotallah sistani and get a response from him then I will consider not following the istikhara. I will have to show his response to my dad and my family and then prove them that I could marry her. You know what the sad thing is. There is no sadness or remorse in his voice. He thinks he is not accountable for what he has done because the istikhara was bad. I just can't deal with this. I feel sick. I can't stop crying. 

 

I will make my dad ring his dad and have a word. I also wrote an email to sistani.org. It is so sad what he is doing. I feel like now he is just wasting more time. Thank you so much for your duas. I do feel the impact of them. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I just don't know how to respond to his situation right now. 

Edited by M666

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On 5 February 2018 at 8:38 PM, peopleofchadar said:

I will give you the same advice, I would've given to my own sister or friend - cut all contact with him as fast as you can. You sound like a reasonable and smart girl, so just move ahead with you life. (As I dont know your father, this whole situation and his temperament) If you think that your father and his father would not get into argument, then you can ask your father to call his father and to end it amicably, otherwise if you think they will get into an argument, then I think its better to leave it as it will only end up giving you father and family more pain. 

Sister when you mention "I just think that they feel like they have no one to question him and his family on what they did to me" -  I would say it shouldn't matter to you at all what their family thinks, trust that Allah will 100% question them (in this world - in hereafter) .  You should think about yourself and what our Imam teachings are and how to keep your parents at peace. Allah is watching and he will provide justice, thus leave it to Him and let Him decide the best course. Remember you want to have a stress-free and problem-free life, which means letting this matter go(I know this is easy to say than to be able to do it). It is going to be difficult and it is going to be hard (as you said pain is unreal), but this is exactly where Allah and purity of your belief in Allah will shines through. There are many supplications at http://www.duas.org/worries.htm to help and guide you through this worrisome time. Imagine the reward Allah will give you for remembering Allah, even when the times got hard ? 
Wa-asalam

 

I Am so grateful for your advice. I truly am. I don't think I would have chosen a better platform to discuss this issue than here. Everyone including yourself is genuine and your advice has helped me a lot. 

My father is a very soft spoken man and he can be stern when he wants to. I don't think there will be any problems if they spoke on the phone because I believe it is important. They disrespected me and their son disrespected my time as girl. They said that in the end Allah is not happy therefore this marriage won't go ahead. Do they think I am stupid? Using Islam as a means to fulfil their personal desires. So blinded by facts that their son is happy to have no accountability for what he has done to me. I just can't stop crying thinking about this. 

 

Inshallah I know he will be question and justice will be served. I have faith in Allah and you are right I shouldn't waste anymore time. It is time to move on. But 10 years of my life were very precious. Thank you so much for the link for duas. I am gonna read them all and ask Allah to show me the right path. 

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17 minutes ago, M666 said:

Has anyone written an email or asked a question via emailing English@sistani.org?  If so how long does the reply come through? 

Question: What is istikhara? :/ I still don't get it. All this rant, and I never bothered to read, feelsbadman.

Second: I am sorry to read your story, hope things goes well!

To Allah do we return!

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4 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

Question: What is istikhara? :/ I still don't get it. All this rant, and I never bothered to read, feelsbadman.

Second: I am sorry to read your story, hope things goes well!

To Allah do we return!

In summary, istikhara is asking Allah for his guidance. It can be as simple as a dua or using Quran if your are extremely confused. I think others have done an outstanding job in explaining it all so if you read through this thread you will get the answer is much greater depth. 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Keep me in your prayers please 

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22 minutes ago, M666 said:

In summary, istikhara is asking Allah for his guidance. It can be as simple as a dua or using Quran if your are extremely confused. I think others have done an outstanding job in explaining it all so if you read through this thread you will get the answer is much greater depth. 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Keep me in your prayers please 

I will pray for you, for sure! That If Allah will accept my dua. :cry:

Hope you stay strong, Allah has better plans, so don't doubt Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى!

May Allah have mercy upon you.

Edited by Hamodiii

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49 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

I will pray for you, for sure! That If Allah will accept my dua. :cry:

Hope you stay strong, Allah has better plans, so don't doubt Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى!

May Allah have mercy upon you.

Thank you, I am sure Allah will accept it because I know everyone here has a pure heart. You guys don't have to spend your precious time helping, listening, consoling and advising me yet you still do out of good heart. I am extremely grateful. 

Thank you, I will try. I know Allah will give me strength to go through this tough time in my life 

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1 minute ago, M666 said:

Thank you, I am sure Allah will accept it because I know everyone here has a pure heart. You guys don't have to spend your precious time helping, listening, consoling and advising me yet you still do out of good heart. I am extremely grateful. 

Thank you, I will try. I know Allah will give me strength to go through this tough time in my life 

Nothing is a hard for a believer! Even death is a blessing! To Allah do we return!

Stay strong and motivated! Even with a bleeding heart, smile please! Remember Imam Hussein, remember how he felt? I am not saying your struggles are irrelevant, but remembering them will surely make you remember that you are living in paradise comparing to him! 

Thanks for being Shia in this injust world, that West is calling freedom! All I see is manipulation and critical thinkers with half a brain.

May I ask If you can pray for me? I kind of need it! Thanks, sister in the advance!

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4 minutes ago, Hamodiii said:

Nothing is a hard for a believer! Even death is a blessing! To Allah do we return!

Stay strong and motivated! Even with a bleeding heart, smile please! Remember Imam Hussein, remember how he felt? I am not saying your struggles are irrelevant, but remembering them will surely make you remember that you are living in paradise comparing to him! 

Thanks for being Shia in this injust world, that West is calling freedom! All I see is manipulation and critical thinkers with half a brain.

May I ask If you can pray for me? I kind of need it! Thanks, sister in the advance!

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

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8 minutes ago, M666 said:

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

I have done nothing, cause I didn't understand what the issue was, just that the guy was a joke. Allah didn't create us to decieve girls, and manipulate guys!

Hope you find a guy that you love, and a guy who can comfort you when you need him! The best gift Allah can give a man in this life is a pious woman, cause a woman can easily lead the guy to the right path! There this christian girl who became Shia, and when her son and husband observed they became Muslim in the end! Don't ever think you are weak cause you are a woman, cause when a guy is weak, sometimes the female becomes his comfort! May Allah be pleased with you! We manly strong physcially, but in mind some are weak. That displays on how we chase our desires, and chase women! 

MAY Allah BLESS YOU!

Mashallah

Thank you! Highly appreciated!

Edited by Hamodiii

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20 hours ago, M666 said:

I Am so grateful for your advice. I truly am. I don't think I would have chosen a better platform to discuss this issue than here. Everyone including yourself is genuine and your advice has helped me a lot. 

My father is a very soft spoken man and he can be stern when he wants to. I don't think there will be any problems if they spoke on the phone because I believe it is important. They disrespected me and their son disrespected my time as girl. They said that in the end Allah is not happy therefore this marriage won't go ahead. Do they think I am stupid? Using Islam as a means to fulfil their personal desires. So blinded by facts that their son is happy to have no accountability for what he has done to me. I just can't stop crying thinking about this. 

 

Inshallah I know he will be question and justice will be served. I have faith in Allah and you are right I shouldn't waste anymore time. It is time to move on. But 10 years of my life were very precious. Thank you so much for the link for duas. I am gonna read them all and ask Allah to show me the right path. 

Sister why are you wasting more of you time ? that guy proved to you that he is not worthy of you, and is acting like a loser. You are much better off without him and in a relationship which has been blessed by Allah. As they say "Leave these things to Allah", leave your trust in him, and Allah is the best to question and hold that person accountable. We are all praying for you.

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21 hours ago, M666 said:

 But in this case where someone's emotions have been played for 10 years it is a little complicated. 

If you trust in Allah, then give these 10 years as a sadqa for the happiness you will get in the rest of you life. These 10 years are nothing compared to the (inshallah) 70 - 80 years you still have left. Why be with someone, or with a family, who will cause you pain. Will you accept suffering for the rest of your life for these 10 years ? I think Allah is saving you ( as Allah has knowledge of the hidden). 

 

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On ‎1‎/‎31‎/‎2018 at 9:08 PM, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Salaam Alaykum Sister

Istikharah is not mandatory. Even if you do Istikharah and it was bad, you can act against it. It is not Haraam(but you need to pay a big Sadaqah before).

I don't believe in doing Istikharah for marriage. When you are sure, do marriage and don't worry.

It is not correct that they took your time this long time and finally say, Istikharah. Try to contact them. Talk with your parents and ask them to call their family. One of the Shia scholars said:" I never did Istikharah on my daughters marriages".

ISTIKHARAH IS NOT MANDATORY.

Brother what does Istikharah mean?

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11 hours ago, Zulfiqar Christian said:

Brother what does Istikharah mean?

Sometimes there are some events in your life happening that you need to make a decision. You do your research and ask help from other people, but you are still unsure about what to do. You make a decision, but you want to know is that correct or not. In these cases, there is something called Istikhara in religion that has its own CONDITIONS and PROCEDURE. You THEN open Quran and based on the definition, interpretation, and history of that verse, you decide whether doing your intention or not.

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On 7 February 2018 at 6:58 PM, peopleofchadar said:

Sister why are you wasting more of you time ? that guy proved to you that he is not worthy of you, and is acting like a loser. You are much better off without him and in a relationship which has been blessed by Allah. As they say "Leave these things to Allah", leave your trust in him, and Allah is the best to question and hold that person accountable. We are all praying for you.

I don't know! I am still in disbelief that he did all that to me. I trusted him a lot and he played games. Even now he is playing games. He is saying to me that his dad has cut the Internet connection off, that he is arguing with his dad everyday and there are a lot of fights in his house over this. I don't get why he is saying that. A true man esp of his age would not play these childish games. One minute he says things are finished next minute he says he will try for me and that he is praying everyday. He is confusing me I don't know what he is upto? I don't know if all of this is true or not. 

 

Thank you for praying for me. You know what I can see you guys are praying for me because I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. I would be lost but I feel like I am not even though I feel really down and upset. Thank you for your duas. Means a lot to me. 

 

You are right! Allah may be saving me. If his parents could go this far that they arrange the wedding and then cancel because of istikhara then maybe imagine if I was married to him they made him divorce me and then I would have probably found no one. Atleast now I have a chance to restart things but it would have been too late then. He is saying that he will do what ayatollah sistani says but I have no time for that now. He makes me feel sick. He really ruined my life but inshallah I'll pick myself up and start again. As you said maybe someone better for me is waiting 

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On 2/7/2018 at 11:13 AM, M666 said:

Exactly, no pain is bigger than the sacrifice of Imam Hussein... We live in so much comfort and when something happens that is not going our way we think it is the biggest problem. Allah has blessed me with so much. I have a roof over my head and loving parents. So many people in this world don't even have the basics in life. I am always grateful to Allah. Even in this tough time, it could have been a lot worse. And maybe Allah has something better in store for me. I trusted that guy so much and I never thought he would deceive me in the end. I always found it hard to trust people and now I don't think I can trust anyone but my parents. 

 

And dont worry, I will pray for you. Everyone in this thread, including yourself who has contributed in one way or another has really helped me. From my heart, I have nothing but sincere duas for you. I pray that whatever problems or issues you have in your life, may Allah make things easy for you. Inshallah 

Sister, 

There are many good mumin brothers out there who will not deceive you. You have to believe that. If you become bitter, it will lessen your chances of finding someone in the future. Don't judge all men (or even all Pakistani men) based on your experiences with this one. 

There is something which I have found to be 100% true in life. If you trust in Allah(s.w.a), He(s.w.a) will give you something better in return for what He(s.w.a) took away. But this good thing that is coming your way will only reach you (and it has already started moving toward you) if you have Tawwakul(Trust in Allah(s.w.a)) and Sabr(patience). Those are the key. With these two qualities, if you uphold them, you will see doors open that you never expected to open. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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28 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Sister, 

There are many good mumin brothers out there who will not deceive you. You have to believe that. If you become bitter, it will lessen your chances of finding someone in the future. Don't judge all men (or even all Pakistani men) based on your experiences with this one. 

There is something which I have found to be 100% true in life. If you trust in Allah(s.w.a), He(s.w.a) will give you something better in return for what He(s.w.a) took away. But this good thing that is coming your way will only reach you (and it has already started moving toward you) if you have Tawwakul(Trust in Allah(s.w.a)) and Sabr(patience). Those are the key. With these two qualities, if you uphold them, you will see doors open that you never expected to open. 

 

I am sure there are many nice men out there but here in the UK, everyone is so corrupt and further away from the religion (not judging but they indulge in haram acts) and those who are close to the religion are way too extreme. There is no middle ground. I am 28 and I am really really worried. I feel like I don't have time anymore. This guy wasted so much of my time trying to convince his parents and in the end left me empty handed only because of bad istikhara which he says he can't go against unless ayatollah sistani ( who he has emailed) says he can. I don't have time. He messages me and says he can't stop crying. If someone really wants you they don't cry they make it happen. I am so confused. 

Please keep me in your prayers, I have trust in Allah that whatever will happen will happen for the best inshallah. To be honest I still can't believe this whole thing what has just happened. I still haven't got over the shock yet. 

Edited by M666

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A little update. 

he contacted me and said that why did you message my dad. (I messaged his did on Watsapp and tried to call him when they said they will do istikhara). He said why have you called him and messaged him. Because of you there are now so many arguements in my house. My parents are arguing with me everyday. Why can't you be happy with the will of Allah in the bad istikhara. In my house istikhara was important that's why I have done it. It came out bad, it said "no" and that's Allahs will. It is not my fault, I tried to get us married but now istikhara is bad so I can't do anything about it. 

 

he is basically telling me that istikhara said no now he is not to blame and has always been loyal. He is blaming istikhara than himself on not marrying me. 

Edited by M666

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Guest Nats_kfvs

Dear sister assalamu alaykum:

I went through what you are experiencing. Don't force it. Stop thinking that you invested too much time to let it go. I believe Allah swt in his infinite mercy is saving you from these people. People that play with others and waste their lives do not fear Allah.

Allah swt will provide for you a great man with a family worthy of you. A man that knows and fears Allah well enough not to do such low things as these people did to you. Please move on with faith in Allah as HE will help you heal and grow from this experience. I understand 100% how difficult it is to let go of a situation like this where your mind is so confused and messed up due to all the nonsense you have tried to deal with. 

Allah swt rewarded me greatly after letting go of my situation that was VERY similar to yours, including having my wedding cancelled days before it was supposed to take place.

Believe it or not, I thank Allah almost EVERY DAY even after many years for having taken me away from that man and his family that disrespected my family and myself and almost made me lose my sanity. Allah provided for me a wonderful husband and we have been married many years with much joy.

May Allah give u the strenght soon enough to start your new life. 

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6 hours ago, M666 said:

A little update. 

he contacted me and said that why did you message my dad. (I messaged his did on Watsapp and tried to call him when they said they will do istikhara). He said why have you called him and messaged him. Because of you there are now so many arguements in my house. My parents are arguing with me everyday. Why can't you be happy with the will of Allah in the bad istikhara. In my house istikhara was important that's why I have done it. It came out bad, it said "no" and that's Allahs will. It is not my fault, I tried to get us married but now istikhara is bad so I can't do anything about it. 

 

he is basically telling me that istikhara said no now he is not to blame and has always been loyal. He is blaming istikhara than himself on not marrying me. 

The truth of the matter is, a man does not get involved with a woman for ten years, and then at the very last moment claims he can't be with her because of an Istikhara. That is cruelty, absurdity, and i would even argue emotional abuse. 

Key points:

1. Is it acceptable for a man to string a woman along for ten years under the guise of eventual marriage, promise it, and then at the very last minute say 'actually, the whole thing is done , sorry bad Istikhara'? Is this the act of a man who cares about the emotional well being of the woman? Surely people should know that taking a woman from her late teens into her late 20s is no small matter, but an enormous chunk of her life, and if someone felt that they needed to do 'Istikhara' then they ought to have done it early on - much earlier. To string someone along for so long and pull this up i would say is pure emotional abuse, and deceit, and no sugar coating will help. I truly think any man who does this to a woman is basically a man who is using her. He wants company and so he strings a woman along knowing full well he probably won't be with there in the end.

2. According to our scholars and the Ahlulbayt (asws) Istikhara is not mandatory for marriage, and in fact when getting together for marriage, we are recommend to choose from certain qualities, discuss things and form a rational judgment. If a marriage is so problematic that one is truly confused then i would even argue that one ought to be cautious about it anyway. Many scholars have even spoken out against this cultural Istikhara being used.  

Here is what Imam Khomeini (rh) has said: 

"However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances."

From: https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-8-views-maraja-taqlid-and

 

 

 

 

Edited by Intellectual Resistance

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6 hours ago, M666 said:

.

Salamualaykum,

Sister this is probably a very difficult period for you and i guess here is my advice and you know your life best, so you can apply it in what way you deem fit:

1. You've been led on, strung along, and this man never seemed to have the real intention of marrying you. Someone who is serious, and responsible and actually cares about you will know that things like this Ikstikhara if so culturally important should have been done years back, otherwise you would just be hurt, left , and led on and have a chunk of your life used. It is beyond cruel to have someone who effectively used you, perhaps for emotional fulfilment, company, and the like. That is deceit on the highest order and there is a general consensus about this from most of the users who have posted. It is just dishonesty. 

2. You need closure. Perhaps sit down with your parents and try to rationalise the situation, tell them after ten years its important you have closure. Compile your evidence - such as what i have posted from Imam Khomeini (rh) and other scholars that have been posted on this thread. These make it clear if two people are compatible, Istikhara should not be done. Furthermore, leading someone on for years and then performing it is deceit and emotional abuse, because if it was that important they ought to have done it earlier. In addition, their true intentions were revealed by what his brother said - that their parents didn't want it done.  Their behaviour towards your parents is just evidence of this itself. Furthermore, it is absurd to claim they did one, two, and three Istikharas. That's not how it works. You can't just keep doing them to get the right result and this shows ignorance of basic religious principles on the part of the one doing this. Once you've got the whole situation down with them - maybe you have already - that's probably when your Dad should call and make clear all the points and how unjust this was. 

3. Don't run or hide from your feelings. If you need to mourn this, then go ahead and do so. Embrace the pain and hurt, because that is the only way you'll get out of this. It will get much better after, and many people who go through these difficult periods of their life find it better if they embrace the feeling of sadness. With time that saddens will fade, so hold on inshAllah. You may never fully forget this guy, but you will get to a stage where you might think about him but not feel much at all. Once you find someone else, that is right for you inshAllah, then it'll mostly be distant memory.

4. Start to rebuild yourself. This is key so you do not jump into another relationship right away. You need to be mentally ready to find someone else who is right for you, rather than who just fills a gap. This period of healing will be best done if you begin to work on all the areas of your life this individual held you back in, and also go further beyond. Work on improving literally everything about you, and also go out, go to dinners, maybe go on a holiday, start side projects or hobbies. Keep yourself busy, keep family and friends around you and try not to be alone. 

5. You're still in your 20s. At 28, you still have time to find someone.  After you heal, you will still have time. Once you feel you are ready, talk to sisters you know from the mosque, go on match-making events, register for anything matrimonial and start to filter through candidates so you are able to then get to a pool of people you may find compatible and then narrow it down to who you probably is most promising. This will take work and you will have to put yourself out there in a halal way. Try not to make this wait too long. Heal first though, but keep it to an extent where you're not still healing into your 30s.  Don't panic, you have time, but don't be complacent either.

 

We are all making duas for you , but also please do keep us in your duas inshAllah. 

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Guest Nats_kfvs said:

Dear sister assalamu alaykum:

I went through what you are experiencing. Don't force it. Stop thinking that you invested too much time to let it go. I believe Allah swt in his infinite mercy is saving you from these people. People that play with others and waste their lives do not fear Allah.

Allah swt will provide for you a great man with a family worthy of you. A man that knows and fears Allah well enough not to do such low things as these people did to you. Please move on with faith in Allah as HE will help you heal and grow from this experience. I understand 100% how difficult it is to let go of a situation like this where your mind is so confused and messed up due to all the nonsense you have tried to deal with. 

Allah swt rewarded me greatly after letting go of my situation that was VERY similar to yours, including having my wedding cancelled days before it was supposed to take place.

Believe it or not, I thank Allah almost EVERY DAY even after many years for having taken me away from that man and his family that disrespected my family and myself and almost made me lose my sanity. Allah provided for me a wonderful husband and we have been married many years with much joy.

May Allah give u the strenght soon enough to start your new life. 

Walaikum salam sister, 

I wanted to force it because I genuinely thought he didn't understand istikhara. I honestly thought he was being forced to do it but now I just feel like he is making excuses even after I showed him all the facts. He is so disgusting that he is going as far as misqoating the Quran. He has some personal plans that I am not aware of which I know Allah will never let him succeed in. You don't step over one human being and then think nothing will happen to you. I just want my precious time back sister, that is my biggest pain but I know it won't come back. So I have to agree that it is Allahs mercy that he is saving me from a liar and cheater like him. Also his parents who are oppressors. 

 

thank you for your words of wisdom and prayers. Really means a lot to me. I am sure Allah has something bigger and better. A family who would accept me and love me like their daughter and a man who doesn't lie and manipulate religion. Keep me in your prayers please. 

Edited by M666

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11 hours ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

The truth of the matter is, a man does not get involved with a woman for ten years, and then at the very last moment claims he can't be with her because of an Istikhara. That is cruelty, absurdity, and i would even argue emotional abuse. 

Key points:

1. Is it acceptable for a man to string a woman along for ten years under the guise of eventual marriage, promise it, and then at the very last minute say 'actually, the whole thing is done , sorry bad Istikhara'? Is this the act of a man who cares about the emotional well being of the woman? Surely people should know that taking a woman from her late teens into her late 20s is no small matter, but an enormous chunk of her life, and if someone felt that they needed to do 'Istikhara' then they ought to have done it early on - much earlier. To string someone along for so long and pull this up i would say is pure emotional abuse, and deceit, and no sugar coating will help. I truly think any man who does this to a woman is basically a man who is using her. He wants company and so he strings a woman along knowing full well he probably won't be with there in the end.

2. According to our scholars and the Ahlulbayt (asws) Istikhara is not mandatory for marriage, and in fact when getting together for marriage, we are recommend to choose from certain qualities, discuss things and form a rational judgment. If a marriage is so problematic that one is truly confused then i would even argue that one ought to be cautious about it anyway. Many scholars have even spoken out against this cultural Istikhara being used.  

Here is what Imam Khomeini (rh) has said: 

"However, there are examples that people who are against Istikhara mention, such as the incident in which there was a girl who liked a young boy and in all ways, were compatible with each other, but after talking with one another, the Istikhara was performed and it came out 'bad' and the discussion ended there. Another example is about a person who wanted to purchase a house. Everything was fine and in all ways, the house was ideal ‑ he performed an Istikhara and it came out bad, so he decided not to purchase the house.

It is clear that the reply to them and thousands of people like these regarding the Istikhara (and the proper use of it), is that in instances such as these, only one who has no intelligence, who is defiant, and who does not have a correct understanding of the Istikhara would perform it in these instances."

From: https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-8-views-maraja-taqlid-and

 

 

 

 

Walaikum salam @Intellectual Resistance

You know what, every single word you write here is 100% how I feel and think. It's amazing that you can understand this situation so well and he can be so heartless about it..,,yet he is the one who claims to "love" me and "care" for me. It is a joke. you have restored my faith in humanity. I know there will other humans out there in this world who will understand me. I thought he did but he has always given me pain and torture. Even waiting for this marriage to happen I went through so much pain. Every day I was worried, every year I was told by him that the marriage would happen this year and it would never happen. And then when I would start crying he would blame me and said how I am being impatient and disrespectful only to do this in the last minute and use istikhara to ditch me. He is not worthy of me. It's sad I wasted 10 years on a loser like him. 

I told him exactly what you said to me today. And he completely disregarded everything and replied: 

"How am I following Allah wrong... it is not about going.against istekhara, it is,about Allah not wanting us to get married as he sees maslihat (best) in it..he knows the best, and in his judgement our marriage is
 not going.to work out...he has commanded us, in HIS judgement that it will not be.for our benefit or happiness..how should I get.this through to you ? 

I am not saying shiachat. Is right or wrong..I can show,u 1000 instances of different.things I am just.telling.you the rulings and the law..as discussed and told to me by respected moulanas who have spent their lives studying.this...." 

 

As you can see, he is delusional. It is evident that he in his heart doesn't want this marriage because he keeps on going on about the same point over and over again. Without paying attention to my time or seeing what is right or wrong. He hasn't even mentioned or even thought about the time he has wasted. He keeps saying those 10 years you were bad and you do this and this wrong. If I was that bad why did he stay with me for that long. His reply to that is because I loved you and wanted to marry you but now Allah doesn't want it so I will call it off. He said that he isn't lying about his feelings but only following "religion" as apparently, he knows someone in Najaf who advised him and many maulvis. 

he then said he has to follow istikhara he sent me these screenshots from an article that is totally taken out of context by him to fulfil her personal needs. I have read this article which in the beginning warns others of using istikhara the wrong way. He sent me these screenshots:

 image.thumb.jpeg.d26f9a8aff8261f5dbc5f784c66f5d85.jpegimage.thumb.jpeg.aefd0ea2f09f9a7c582afd1e934114fd.jpeg

 

He then goes on to say that istikhara is mandatory and he must follow it and not marry Me. Either he is very ignorant or just trying to outsmart me. 

he also sent me this to prove that the method of Quran he used is the right way and must be followed: image.thumb.jpeg.571a469c5d8ce22b31dc37a5f46aa464.jpeg  

 

The funny thing is he thinks I haven't read this article. I have read it all. He is taking things out of context to prove his point as the first page clearly says exactly what you all have told me here. Link to the complete article: 

https://www.al-islam.org/printpdf/book/export/html/38019   

You know what guys, I wish I was smarter and removed him from my life a very long time ago. It's a shame he showed his true colours only 1 month before marriage. 

 

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