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M666

Is Istikhara mandatory before marriage

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Salam brothers and sisters, 

I have been with this Shia guy for the last 10 years, we used to talk on the phone and 2 years ago he brought my marriage proposal. His parents were hesitant at first but after a while they agreed through a lot of persuasion. They put a condition that once he has a job they will marry us. After 2 years the time of marriage finally came and only month before the marriage when everything was decided between his and my parents (date, mehr amount etc) he said that Istikhara is mandatory and without Istikhara he won’t be able to marry me. I have no problem with istakhara but after such a long time of being with me all these promises to me and my parents he says he will do Istikhara. I tried to contact his parents but they dont talk to me or even answer my calls as we live in different countries. He says that only a maulvi will do istakhara and you can’t do it. If instikhara says yes, he will marry me and if it says no he won’t marry me. I need your help. I feel like it is just an excuse because I never heard of the concept that Istikhara is mandatory. It is highly recommended but he is saying he will cancel the marriage only based on an Istikhara which he wants to do one month before marriage when everything has been decided and when he has promised me and my parents on this marriage. Please help me out because I can’t stop crying and I am really distressed.thank you 

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No, definitely not mandatory. Istekhara is only for when the decision is unclear, but some cultures use it like fortune-telling. 

You're not going to change his parents' minds, but prepare yourself for if you have to let him go. 

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Wasalam, 

he has wasted so much of my time I just can’t stop crying. We are both Pakistani. He says it is not culture he says it is very important for Shias to do Istikhara and without it marriage can’t take place. I know a lot of people in our culture who are Shias but don’t say anything like this. He says they are all not proper Shias if they don’t do Istikhara before marriage. He says he will end everything if the istakhara is no. And he was meant to marry me this month after making me his fiancé two years ago. He said he has asked a very well known maulvis and they all said it is mandatory and without it he can’t marry. 

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Salaam Alaykum Sister

Istikharah is not mandatory. Even if you do Istikharah and it was bad, you can act against it. It is not Haraam(but you need to pay a big Sadaqah before).

I don't believe in doing Istikharah for marriage. When you are sure, do marriage and don't worry.

It is not correct that they took your time this long time and finally say, Istikharah. Try to contact them. Talk with your parents and ask them to call their family. One of the Shia scholars said:" I never did Istikharah on my daughters marriages".

ISTIKHARAH IS NOT MANDATORY.

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He is saying that it is mandatory. He says that every information I am getting off the internet is false and that he is right because his maulana has said it is mandatory. He says that if it is bad then he will not marry me because it is not will of Allah to get us married. If shown him so many reliable answers from scholars that say it is not mandatory but he just disregards it. He starts crying and says to me that pray it’s good otherwise I will have to leave you. I will always be there for you even if he doesn’t marry me but I don’t want a haram relationship. His parents don’t answer my call they openly ignore me because he says it is not appropriate to talk to me because I’m not married to him but he brought my proposal two years ago and made me his fiancé. I just don’t get it. I can’t sleep I just cry because he promised me marriage this month and now he is saying this. He said he has done one Istikhara and it has come out bad so he will do it again and if that is bad he will leave me. After 10 years he is saying this... I just can’t. We as Muslims are told to honour promises and he is going to break all this based on Istikhara 

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Question: I am a girl who has received many proposals for marriage but each time my father has done istikhara and it came out "bad". What should I do? Should I keep waiting until the istikhara comes out "good"?

Answer: The woman and her guardians should give importance to the qualities of the man she chooses to marry. She should not marry except a man who is religious, chaste, of good character, not a drunkard or someone who commits sins and evil deeds. It is better not to reject the proposition of a man who is religious and of good character. The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.” It is not good to rely on istikhara when he/she can do research about the character and background of someone who comes with a proposal.

- Sistani

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21 hours ago, M666 said:

He is saying that it is mandatory. He says that every information I am getting off the internet is false and that he is right because his maulana has said it is mandatory. He says that if it is bad then he will not marry me because it is not will of Allah to get us married. If shown him so many reliable answers from scholars that say it is not mandatory but he just disregards it. He starts crying and says to me that pray it’s good otherwise I will have to leave you. I will always be there for you even if he doesn’t marry me but I don’t want a haram relationship. His parents don’t answer my call they openly ignore me because he says it is not appropriate to talk to me because I’m not married to him but he brought my proposal two years ago and made me his fiancé. I just don’t get it. I can’t sleep I just cry because he promised me marriage this month and now he is saying this. He said he has done one Istikhara and it has come out bad so he will do it again and if that is bad he will leave me. After 10 years he is saying this... I just can’t. We as Muslims are told to honour promises and he is going to break all this based on Istikhara 

Sis this is  not good what he is doing

i just feel he is making excuses 

the way his family is treating you is not good either 

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No one answers my msgs or calls. I send his father msgs on WhatsApp he reads then but doesn’t answer. I asked the boy why his father doesn’t answer it he says it’s because it’s not right to speak to you then I say okay can I speak to your mother he says no because she will not go against her husband and you aren’t married to me yet so she won’t speak. He could have done Istikhara when he brought my proposal but he said no Istikhara is done in the final stages, I have never heard that before. He says that the Istikhara will determine everything but I say to him what about the promise you made to my parents. He says I will have to follow the Istikhara and end everything. I tell him to use his brain. He knows I a, good and use knowledge and honour everything but he starts crying and saying to me that I don’t want this to end but if Istikhara says no then Allah is not happy with the marriage. What about the time he has wasted of mine, he doesn’t care. He says whatever the decision it will be it will be the best for us which I agree but after all this time. When I’ve been with him for 10 years I could have been married with kids and a husband but he kept me waiting for him to say all this in the end. I feel so hurt 

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That is what my parents have said. But the fact that he is using shia Islam to justify these actions is a little weird. He tells me he has asked a couple of maulanas and they said it is a mandatory part of marriage and the result needs to be acted upon otherwise the marriage can not happen. I should have been preparing for the marriage choosing dresses etc but he has put me through this just when the marriage is about the approach. I say I will do it myself and he says you can’t do istakhara only a maulana can do it because he is the purest person. I know this is not true but he says tats how it is like for us Shias. He says that the imams have made it mandatory to do Istikhara before marriage. Without it no marriage can happen. And if it is no then I will leave you. He has done one istakhara and said the Istikhara said no but he will do another one because he says he loves me a lot. I have told him that through my own research it is not mandatory but he disregards everything. I 

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I also show him majlis disproving his claims that it is mandatory but he disregards them all by saying they are different sect of Shia... they aren’t saying the right thing. I’m telling you the right thing. All the information you are getting on the internet is also false. He also says when your family and friends say Istikhara is not mandatory they are wrong because I have asked maulanas and they all said it is. He said his brother did istakhara before marriage therefor he has to do it too. 

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I understand your need to show him how wrong he is and he is throwing away a good relationship and 10 years of emotional investment but take my advice sis...no point wasting your energy and time with him. The more you try to convince him the more you'll come across as being desperate for this marriage to go ahead(which I completely understand and am not judging you for it) and that will make him act only more like a loser he is. So call it off, simple and short and quick and move on. 

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I just feel so confused. I feel deceived and lied to. And the fact that he is using religion to justify all this is just beyond my understanding. He disregards everything.. and the way his family treats me makes me feel so disrespected. I don’t get why he can’t be clear with me that he doesn’t want this marriage. He did me wrong for 10 years. He gave me false hopes and dreams of marriage. And when the time finally came he is using Istikhara as an excuse. I feel disgusted how someone could do this to me. Allah will serve justice..  inshallah. it I came on the forum to clear if Istikhara is mandatory or not. It is evident from everyone who has posted here that it is not. He made me feel like it was mandatory and that it is against the Quran to not do it. 

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4 hours ago, M666 said:

I just feel so confused. I feel deceived and lied to. And the fact that he is using religion to justify all this is just beyond my understanding. He disregards everything.. and the way his family treats me makes me feel so disrespected. I don’t get why he can’t be clear with me that he doesn’t want this marriage. He did me wrong for 10 years. He gave me false hopes and dreams of marriage. And when the time finally came he is using Istikhara as an excuse. I feel disgusted how someone could do this to me. Allah will serve justice..  inshallah. it I came on the forum to clear if Istikhara is mandatory or not. It is evident from everyone who has posted here that it is not. He made me feel like it was mandatory and that it is against the Quran to not do it. 

Sister just wondering have you or your parents actually ever spoken to his parents 

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11 hours ago, starlight said:

Sorry, but what a jerk! 

Tell him you are not going ahead with the marriage because you deserve someone better. 

 

This, 100%. A man who believes in the will of Allah will not lead on a woman for ten years, only to decide he's uncertain when she demands marriage.

He is using istekhara like a horoscope for fortune-telling, and that's idolatry. You seriously should consider ending all relations with him immediately. If he does marry you, you're going to have to spend the rest of your life dealing with this superstitious nonsense and your children are likely to follow in his footsteps. 

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11 hours ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

Sister just wondering have you or your parents actually ever spoken to his parents 

Basically sister, his parents initially were very against thing marriage. He didn't tell his parents until 5 years went and when he told his mother she was not gonna get us married. At that time I was like okay, leave this relationship so I left him but he persuaded me that he loves me and can't live without me. So I came back to him because he promised he will give me marriage. Year after another went by and he would always come up with some sort of excuse. The about two years ago he convinced his parents and they agreed. They called my house and asked my parents for my hand. His parents at that time didn't really speak to me.. Never on eid or anything. It seemed like the were being forced and they only spoke to me half heartedly for the sake of their son. But his mother never asked me if I was okay or wish me on eid or anything. I asked him why doesn't your mother talk to me he said because you aren't married we don't talk. Then few months ago before moharram his brothers wife contacted me asking me about wedding clothes and size. I gave her that then they didn't speak to me because moharram came in. Then finally last month the mehr was decided, and before my dad cups ring back saying ok we agree on it, he messaged me and said I need to istakhara because it's mandatory. So his parents hardly spoke to me. When this istakhara thing came in I tried to contact them but they never pick my call up and his bhabi blocked me 

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so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

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1 hour ago, M666 said:

so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

I have a idea to see his reaction 

tell him you will get a sheikh you know to do the istakhara for you both and see what he will say 

i think this will give his true intentions 

Edited by Sisterfatima1

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3 hours ago, M666 said:

so after your guys help, I spoke to him today and told him that istakhara is not mandatory. He said why are you trusting random people on Internet. See that's the thing. He disregards everything so there is no point trying to explain what he is doing is wrong. I feel extremely hurt that after 10 years and towards the end when the marriage was gonna happen he put istakhara in the picture claiming its mandatory. I trusted him a lot but he broke everything. The sad part is that he is using shiaism to justify it. He says that it is mandatory and I have told him to get lost. To him a promise means nothing, a girls life and time means nothing and istakhara is everything?!

You are better off without him 

find a man who truly loves you for you 

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1 hour ago, Sisterfatima1 said:

I have a idea to see his reaction 

tell him you will get a sheikh you know to do the istakhara for you both and see what he will say 

i think this will give his true intentions 

He told me that he is using a maulana to do istakhara. He said that the maulana used the Quran and then picked out a surrah from Quran then said this means it is bad and you should not get married. Then he said he will do it again using this way. And he also said he asked someone in Kerbala to do the istakhara and they said don't get married. I am so confused. I told him whatever you guys are telling me and he says don't believe these ppl they have no knowledge which I know is a lie, and that that all the imams have said to do istakhara. He says he will try it again. I messaged his dad today on Watsapp but he didn't reply even though I said I am not happy 

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1 hour ago, Ibn Al-Shahid said:

Istikhara is not mandatory for marriage. In fact, a lot of shia scholars are against marriage istikhara.

He said to me that the maulana he spoke to said it is mandatory. He keeps sending me these to justify the fact that is it mandatory; 

[01/02, 12:18] .: [30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam 'Ali (‘as), said: "Seek the best from Allah and do not decide on your own (when you intend to do
anything). How many people have decided on their own in performing a task and their destruction was in
that. "2
[30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq 'said: "Whosoever enters into an action without asking Allah for what is the best and
then falls into a difficulty will not receive the reward (as one who had gone thru trials and tribulations).”3
[30/01, 22:47] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) said: "Whosoever seeks the best from Allah in his affair, and acts upon one of
the options (either performs or does not perform an action) but has something enter into his heart
(unhappiness or doubt regarding to how he acted), has leveled an (unfounded) accusation against
Allah." 122
[30/01, 22:48] .: l‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) was once asked: "Who is the worst creation in the eyes of Allah?" The Imam (as)
,replied, "The one who levels an accusation against Him (Allah). " The person retorted, "Is it possible for
a person to level an accusation against Allah?" The Imam (as) ,replied, "Yes. The one who asks Allah for
the best and it (the best) is given to him but in the way of something that he does not like, and he
becomes upset. Thus, this is the one who has leveled an accusation against Allah. ‘’ 223

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5 hours ago, M666 said:

He said to me that the maulana he spoke to said it is mandatory. He keeps sending me these to justify the fact that is it mandatory; 

[01/02, 12:18] .: [30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam 'Ali (‘as), said: "Seek the best from Allah and do not decide on your own (when you intend to do
anything). How many people have decided on their own in performing a task and their destruction was in
that. "2
[30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq 'said: "Whosoever enters into an action without asking Allah for what is the best and
then falls into a difficulty will not receive the reward (as one who had gone thru trials and tribulations).”3
[30/01, 22:47] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) said: "Whosoever seeks the best from Allah in his affair, and acts upon one of
the options (either performs or does not perform an action) but has something enter into his heart
(unhappiness or doubt regarding to how he acted), has leveled an (unfounded) accusation against
Allah." 122
[30/01, 22:48] .: l‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) was once asked: "Who is the worst creation in the eyes of Allah?" The Imam (as)
,replied, "The one who levels an accusation against Him (Allah). " The person retorted, "Is it possible for
a person to level an accusation against Allah?" The Imam (as) ,replied, "Yes. The one who asks Allah for
the best and it (the best) is given to him but in the way of something that he does not like, and he
becomes upset. Thus, this is the one who has leveled an accusation against Allah. ‘’ 223

The second video talks about your situation the best. He should've done the istikhara 10 years ago, now it's too late. It's stupid that after 10 years he's still not sure. This situation puts a red flag over this guy. I really do hope he snaps out of it. Istikhara is only done when in confusion. If after 10 years of knowing you he's still confused... then I don't know what to say about this.

 

 

Edited by Ibn Al-Shahid

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Thank you for the help guys. So today I said to him I want to speak to your dad. He said you can speak to my brother. His brother spoke to me and told me that istakhara is not mandatory but in our household we have to do it. And that his parents may have bought your proposal but they are not happy with the marriage from inside. In their hearts they don't want this marriage. I said okay fine but then two years ago when they asked my parents for the proposal why didn't they mention that in their household istakhara is always done and I said how is it right after all these years you are doing istakhara. He said because we want Allah to show us the way because marriage is a very big thing. And we don't want to take the decision ourselves. I said how is it right that you told my parents and asked for marriage but didn't warn about istakhara. 

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20 hours ago, M666 said:

He said to me that the maulana he spoke to said it is mandatory. He keeps sending me these to justify the fact that is it mandatory; 

[01/02, 12:18] .: [30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam 'Ali (‘as), said: "Seek the best from Allah and do not decide on your own (when you intend to do
anything). How many people have decided on their own in performing a task and their destruction was in
that. "2
[30/01, 22:46] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq 'said: "Whosoever enters into an action without asking Allah for what is the best and
then falls into a difficulty will not receive the reward (as one who had gone thru trials and tribulations).”3
[30/01, 22:47] .: al‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) said: "Whosoever seeks the best from Allah in his affair, and acts upon one of
the options (either performs or does not perform an action) but has something enter into his heart
(unhappiness or doubt regarding to how he acted), has leveled an (unfounded) accusation against
Allah." 122
[30/01, 22:48] .: l‑Imam al‑Sadiq (as) was once asked: "Who is the worst creation in the eyes of Allah?" The Imam (as)
,replied, "The one who levels an accusation against Him (Allah). " The person retorted, "Is it possible for
a person to level an accusation against Allah?" The Imam (as) ,replied, "Yes. The one who asks Allah for
the best and it (the best) is given to him but in the way of something that he does not like, and he
becomes upset. Thus, this is the one who has leveled an accusation against Allah. ‘’ 223

as-salamu alaykum.

There are many types of istikhara in Islam, and the two main ones are 'Istikhara by Supplication' and 'Istikhara by the Quran/Tasbih/Papers'. Let me give you a brief explanation for both of them.

Quote

Istikhara by Supplication: The actual meaning of `Istikhara' is "asking what is best and proper from Allah, the Merciful" which in itself is a form of supplication. Reliance (upon Allah ), leaving all of one's affairs (to Allah ) and having a good or favorable opinion of Allah are the requirements before one performs any supplication. This means that in all of one's affairs, the person supplicates to Allah and sincerely, asks Him to make his path easy and to have a good outcome.

The Istikhara by supplication in all instances takes precedence. It has been recommended that before one performs even the smallest act, he start off by supplicating to Allah . In the ahadith, it has been emphasized that this type of Istikhara should be performed before every action, and is one of the reasons for the success of a person, since in reality, the Istikhara by supplication includes:

Praising and Glorying Allah coupled with modesty and humility towards Him; and asking one's needs and requests from the One who is completely needless. Having good thoughts about Allah and that He only prefers and accepts that which is good for His servants. However, the most important thing is that one will have peace of mind and a sound heart when performing any action.

 

Quote

The Istikhara by Qur’an: If after a person has performed the supplication for seeking the best, and after thinking and asking others for advice still does not have peace of mind, then one is permitted to refer to the Qur’an in order to remove the doubts and through this method, seek the best.

The Istikhara by Tasbih: If after one has supplicated to Allah and after exhausted his thinking and asking others for advice, one is still in a state of confusion, then this method is used. 

The Istikhara by Papers: This is the final type of Istikhara mentioned in this book that is performed by using six pieces of paper and as commonly known as Dhat al‑Riqa `. Even though this form of Istikhara is hardly known or practiced among the common people, it has a special place amongst a select group of `Ulama.

 

Notice the difference between Istikhara by Supplication and the others? The Istikhara by supplication can be performed for any act you are willing to do, without any conditions. While the other Istikhara methods, such as Istikhara by Qur'an (the method your fiance is doing) must be done only if you're in doubt and in a state of confusion, and only after asking other people for advice and doing your own investigation on the matter, you then perform the Istikhara by the Qur'an to remove that doubt. 

The first three hadiths you posted are talking about Istikhara by supplication, not by the Qur'an. The last hadith is a different topic, it talks about people that are unhappy with the results of an Istikhara, it has nothing to do with the istikhara being wajib.

 

On 01/02/2018 at 1:02 AM, M666 said:

I say I will do it myself and he says you can’t do istakhara only a maulana can do it because he is the purest person.

Look at what 'Allamah Murtadha Mutahhari said:

Quote

"...What kind of talk is this that the `Ulama (only) must perform the Istikhara! How many problems this misconception has brought up! An `Alim is sitting in his house, busy studying or writing, the telephone rings and the person on the other end asks: `Sir! I am sorry to bother you, I need an Istikhara...'

Regardless, I myself perform Istikhara (for others), and I am not opposed to it, but it is better that each person performs an Istikhara for himself. Some people have even said that it is not allowed for a person to perform an Istikhara for someone else and everyone must perform it for himself!"

 

On 01/02/2018 at 12:07 AM, M666 said:

He said he has asked a very well known maulvis and they all said it is mandatory and without it he can’t marry. 

If the scholars really told him that (which I highly doubt), they are juhala (ignorant). It is not mandatory. If it is, have him or the scholars show you a fatwa from any marja' that it is wajib. But they wont be able to, because no marja' says an istkhara is wajib for marriage, infact many scholars are against doing istikhara for marriage.

 

Just show your fiance these links here: https://www.sistani.org/english/qa/01216/ https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-8-views-maraja-taqlid-and

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49 minutes ago, Intellectual Resistance said:

Just for my own research purposes: Is he Indian or Pakistani ? And is he living in the subcontinent right now? 

He is Pakistani. He doesn't live in Pakistan but his parents and all his family still live there.

Edited by Hassan-
Grammar correction as requested by OP

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1 hour ago, Hassan- said:

as-salamu alaykum.

There are many types of istikhara in Islam, and the two main ones are 'Istikhara by Supplication' and 'Istikhara by the Quran/Tasbih/Papers'. Let me give you a brief explanation for both of them.

 

 

Notice the difference between Istikhara by Supplication and the others? The Istikhara by supplication can be performed for any act you are willing to do, without any conditions. While the other Istikhara methods, such as Istikhara by Qur'an (the method your fiance is doing) must be done only if you're in doubt and in a state of confusion, and only after asking other people for advice and doing your own investigation on the matter, you then perform the Istikhara by the Qur'an to remove that doubt. 

The first three hadiths you posted are talking about Istikhara by supplication, not by the Qur'an. The last hadith is a different topic, it talks about people that are unhappy with the results of an Istikhara, it has nothing to do with the istikhara being wajib.

 

Look at what 'Allamah Murtadha Mutahhari said:

 

If the scholars really told him that (which I highly doubt), they are juhala (ignorant). It is not mandatory. If it is, have him or the scholars show you a fatwa from any marja' that it is wajib. But they wont be able to, because no marja' says an istkhara is wajib for marriage, infact many scholars are against doing istikhara for marriage.

 

Just show your fiance these links here: https://www.sistani.org/english/qa/01216/ https://www.al-islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-muhammad-baqir-haideri/section-8-views-maraja-taqlid-and

Thank you so much for your wealth of knowledge. This is exactly what I was looking for. Someone to explain all this and you have done it perfectly. I am gonna tell him all this. Let's see what he has to say. I am sure he will deny it all. Today I spoke to his brother and he couldn't even back up any evidence for what he was saying. They are just really trying to get rid of me because his brother said my parents in their heart don't want this marriage and straight away went to the Quran istakhara. This is so wrong. And the way they are trying to mess my life up is disgusting. I was 18 when I started being with him. Then when I was 26 I said please hurry up and then his parents forcefully sent the marriage proposal. In that they didn't mention anything about istakhara. I have two younger siblings and therefore my parents planned everything accordingly and now all of the sudden when the marriage was gonna happen they do the Quran istakhara to get rid of me. The fact is that they led me on. If from the start the boy said look things would be difficult I would have left but he led me on. Then his parents led me on even further by bringing my proposal. Finally the time came and they straight went to Quran istakhara and said, it was very bad. It's all just crazy. Thank you for all this. All your help is really appreciated. Esp right now when I am in the saddest part of my life and in extreme amount of pain

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Okay guys, so today I spoke to him. I told him that istikhara is not mandatory and everything you all explained. He said to me that istikhara is not but I am Pakistani and you are Pakistani therefore you have to follow the culture. When I said istikhara is done in doubt he said no it's mandatory. But now he has changed his statement a little by saying the maulana who is very good and researched well in his life has said he has to do it, it's in his family and culture. He then said we are doing it because of your dad. Basically me and his dad had a little disagreement about mehr but then it got sorted out. Initially when the whole marriage thing was being discussed. He told his parents to invite my parents in person so they can do my proposal in person. He promised me that don't worry my parents have called your parents to our house only to decide marriage date. This happened 3 years ago.  So my parents went to Pakistan and went to his house expecting them to talk about proposal. They went there with a cake expecting things to start. His parents then said tell your daughter to go and that you guys marry her off to someone else. They disrespected my parents and misled them because they told him that they will discuss marriage. Instead they call my parents to their house just to say to tell me to awar and that they will explain to their son that not to marry me. They could have said this is person but they decide to insult them. I wanted to end the relationship there because that was out of order. He then took another year and finally the parents called after a lot hesitation to propose marriage. My parents agreed even though they felt disrespected but they did it for my sake happiness and happiness. Within that two years they didn't talk to me all. Never on eid or anything. Obviously my parents were looking at this and observing everything. My dad could see that I wasn't being treated right but he stayed quite for the sake of his daughter. Then few months ago the issue of mehr came and my dad and his dad had a little disagreement. But it then got resolved. He today said to me that he is doing istikhara because of my dad. And the way he has been when the mehr thing was happening that's why we went to straight from Quran and it said no. So now he is changing his statement. First he said I am doing istikhara because it is wajib then he said its culture. And now he is saying it's because of my dad and mehr thing. Also when my dad was talking to his dad on the phone he said lets get on with marriage and let's solve the mehr issue.. We are both doing it for our kids sake at the end of the day... We have no choice. Obviously my dad is not stupid. He can see and sense that his parents didn't treat me right. Also his brother on the phone yesterday mentioned to me that his parents don't want this marriage but are doing it for our sake. But now he is disregarding what his parents did or think and He using that one sentence my dad said today to justify this istikhara one month before marriage. Brothers and sisters. I have no one to talk to and discuss all this for advice. That's why I keep coming here for help. 

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On 1/31/2018 at 9:15 PM, M666 said:

Salam brothers and sisters, 

I have been with this Shia guy for the last 10 years, we used to talk on the phone and 2 years ago he brought my marriage proposal. His parents were hesitant at first but after a while they agreed through a lot of persuasion. They put a condition that once he has a job they will marry us. After 2 years the time of marriage finally came and only month before the marriage when everything was decided between his and my parents (date, mehr amount etc) he said that Istikhara is mandatory and without Istikhara he won’t be able to marry me. I have no problem with istakhara but after such a long time of being with me all these promises to me and my parents he says he will do Istikhara. I tried to contact his parents but they dont talk to me or even answer my calls as we live in different countries. He says that only a maulvi will do istakhara and you can’t do it. If instikhara says yes, he will marry me and if it says no he won’t marry me. I need your help. I feel like it is just an excuse because I never heard of the concept that Istikhara is mandatory. It is highly recommended but he is saying he will cancel the marriage only based on an Istikhara which he wants to do one month before marriage when everything has been decided and when he has promised me and my parents on this marriage. Please help me out because I can’t stop crying and I am really distressed.thank you 

 If decision can be made thru rational and logical thought, Istikhara is not necessary or even advisable(mustahab).  If you and him are both eligible Islamically to be married, both want to be married to each other, he has the means to give you the nafakha (basic support), then marriage is valid and recommended (mustahab) in itself so there is no need to do Istikhara. 

People do Istikhara in marriage for two reasons

1) They are 'on the fence' meaning their heart and their rational mind are wavering back and forth between marrying the person or not marrying them. So they use Istikhara to push them one way or another. Again, this is not recommended to do if you can make a decision thru rational means. 

2) He doesn't intend on marrying you, so he will use a bad Istikhara as an excuse. He may not lie about the outcome, but he will keep doing it, or have other people do it until it comes out bad. This is dishonest and wrong or the family doesn't want him to marry you so they will do Istikhara till it comes out bad then tell him the Istikhara was bad. 

Also when you say you were 'with him' for 10 years yet you were not married, I don't know what it means, but it sounds bad from an Islamic perspective. 

In Islam, according to all schools of fiqh, both Jaafari and others, a women and man who are not mahram are not supposed to have any sort of 'with him / her' type or relationship until after marriage. You might be seeing the reason for that now. Because you may be emotionally attached to him and yet the marriage has not happened. It is possible that it will not happen and then if it doesn't, then what ? You will probably suffer an extreme psychological and emotional trauma and this could have been avoided.

These back and forth, every family member gets involved, years and years of waiting. This is all 100% cultural, it has nothing to do with Islam and turns out bad most of the time. Getting two or three people to agree on something is not easy, but not impossible either. Getting 4, 5, 6, or 100 people to agree on something is impossible, most of the time. In Islam marriage is very simple, takes a short time, and involves only three people (or two), the potential husband, potential wife, and in some cases the wakil of the potential wife, the father or paternal grandfather. Noone else is relevant or has a say in the matter. Sorry to all the Pakistanis out there, but your post makes me so glad I didn't marry a Pakistani. Not because of her, but because of all the family nonsense I would have to go thru, for me this would have probably resulted in a bad situation for everyone involved. 

 

I wish you well. Salam. 

 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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take him to court for wasting your time based on superstition.

Life is short, why waste tears on humans?.

look ahead, what can you do to your life that will make it worth living until you die of old age wearing nappies in a nursing home?.

you are marrying into non intelligence family, why do you want poor genetics?.

 

 

 

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I would love to take him to court. But I wouldn't because Allahs court is the biggest court of justice and I know justice will be served. Thank you for your input in this. You guys have made me in a lot better place than I was before. End of the day I am only 28! Allah will give me his blessing! I am getting stronger with your support everyday. But I have my moments too when I break down.

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1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

 If decision can be made thru rational and logical thought, Istikhara is not necessary or even advisable(mustahab).  If you and him are both eligible Islamically to be married, both want to be married to each other, he has the means to give you the nafakha (basic support), then marriage is valid and recommended (mustahab) in itself so there is no need to do Istikhara. 

People do Istikhara in marriage for two reasons

1) They are 'on the fence' meaning their heart and their rational mind are wavering back and forth between marrying the person or not marrying them. So they use Istikhara to push them one way or another. Again, this is not recommended to do if you can make a decision thru rational means. 

2) He doesn't intend on marrying you, so he will use a bad Istikhara as an excuse. He may not lie about the outcome, but he will keep doing it, or have other people do it until it comes out bad. This is dishonest and wrong or the family doesn't want him to marry you so they will do Istikhara till it comes out bad then tell him the Istikhara was bad. 

Also when you say you were 'with him' for 10 years yet you were not married, I don't know what it means, but it sounds bad from an Islamic perspective. 

In Islam, according to all schools of fiqh, both Jaafari and others, a women and man who are not mahram are not supposed to have any sort of 'with him / her' type or relationship until after marriage. You might be seeing the reason for that now. Because you may be emotionally attached to him and yet the marriage has not happened. It is possible that it will not happen and then if it doesn't, then what ? You will probably suffer an extreme psychological and emotional trauma and this could have been avoided.

These back and forth, every family member gets involved, years and years of waiting. This is all 100% cultural, it has nothing to do with Islam and turns out bad most of the time. Getting two or three people to agree on something is not easy, but not impossible either. Getting 4, 5, 6, or 100 people to agree on something is impossible, most of the time. In Islam marriage is very simple, takes a short time, and involves only three people (or two), the potential husband, potential wife, and in some cases the wakil of the potential wife, the father or paternal grandfather. Noone else is relevant or has a say in the matter. Sorry to all the Pakistanis out there, but your post makes me so glad I didn't marry a Pakistani. Not because of her, but because of all the family nonsense I would have to go thru, for me this would have probably resulted in a bad situation for everyone involved. 

 

I wish you well. Salam. 

 

 

Thank you! I have explained that to him now. But he says that in his family and in this culture they have to do istikhara. I told him, is culture bigger or religion. He says that culture has merged with religion and that is wrong. He is basically trying to justify the wrong thing. He is out of facts now. He is using the Quran to give him a yes or no answer which I told him is wrong esp when he knows about me and there are no doubts in his head but because his parents and grandparents have done it. He says he will do it. He is saying he will go to another maulvi and discuss this because the one he has discussed this with is apparently all knowing. I told him that he is not God but there is no arguing with a fool. He said he will go to another one and ask again. He is forced by his parents in this situation who clearly don't want this marriage and have no problem promising marriage to my parents two years ago and breaking it by using istikhara as an excuse. 

 

I agree that I should have not been with him in a relationship with him and I was a fool for it. I don't deny it. I was only 18 and stupid. But we always had the intention to marry. His parents just made things difficult for us. They even said just remain friends and marry someone else. That is so disgusting. Our intentions have been pure but the whole relationship was not right. I agree and it is a mistake that is why I am suffering but I was gullible to because he said don't worry we will marry this year and then years flew by and before you know it, 10 years went. You are right. Culture is a bad thing and a marriage is simple but he is trying to please his parents too. He was to have both as in me and his parents too and he has no problem wasting my time to please his parents. And now when things are getting difficult with his parents and his parents are forcing him and causing problems he has no options and I feel like he wants to break the promise. 

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