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In the Name of God بسم الله
RevertSister

Starting to resent my MIL :(

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16 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

So if you don't mind my asking...why did you marry into this family and this situation? Did you know how the living accomodations were going to be beforehand?

Who else lives there?

Where are her parents?

Shouted at you? Unacceptable.

I can tell you already what's going to happen. The MIL is going to accuse you of poisoning your husband's mind against her in the hopes of splitting up their family and taking her son away from her.

Where's the FIL in all this mess?

Psychiatric issues at the heart of it all it sounds like with her.

Guilty about what? What have you done wrong to warrant such treatment. 

Islamically your guardianship is given in trust to your husband in this life/world. He is your guardian for the duration of your marriage. At the end of the marriage (either through divorce or death) your guardian reverts back to being your Father or a son. Its incumbent upon him to find a way to balance his marriage with his Mother during this time. He needs to do what he needs to do to make the best of whatever the scenario is. 

On a side note, are you Husband/In Laws a Shia family or a Sunni one?

Yes before we got married he said he wanted to stay living with his parents so he can look after them and stay as a family. I was fine to compromise with that but you never know how the circumstance is going to be until your in it. Its me my husband mil Fil sil and her daughter. My sil is divorced that’s why her and her daughter live with us. Yeah I can see her saying something along those lines too or something manipulative to make her look like the victim and I’ve done wrong. My fil doesn’t know any of this, he and my mil don’t have the best of relationships they are barely around each other. Sunni family

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Please sister please for your own sanity move out of the family home, it should have been a condition in your nikah contract that you have your own separate house with your husband. i suggest you simply speak privately with your husband about starting a family and wanting your own home to do that in. Honestly just forget the MIL she is either sour because she didn't approve of her son marrying outside of his culture, or even though you are a revert sister she assumes you are loose and have low morals and have had many sexual partners before reverting. it isn't true i am sure but these are the ideas she probably has towards you. Also mothers usually never think anyone is good enough for their sons. 

You must hit a soft part in your husbands heart to convince him to move, I am Canadian but i am a born muslim to a Lebanese father and i know exactly how most of us think about reverts and Western/European women. Lucky for me my mother is not muslim or arab she is European herself, so i have the benefit of seeing things from both sides of the fence. 

Good luck

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On 08/02/2018 at 2:19 AM, shouzan said:

Please sister please for your own sanity move out of the family home, it should have been a condition in your nikah contract that you have your own separate house with your husband. i suggest you simply speak privately with your husband about starting a family and wanting your own home to do that in. Honestly just forget the MIL she is either sour because she didn't approve of her son marrying outside of his culture, or even though you are a revert sister she assumes you are loose and have low morals and have had many sexual partners before reverting. it isn't true i am sure but these are the ideas she probably has towards you. Also mothers usually never think anyone is good enough for their sons. 

You must hit a soft part in your husbands heart to convince him to move, I am Canadian but i am a born muslim to a Lebanese father and i know exactly how most of us think about reverts and Western/European women. Lucky for me my mother is not muslim or arab she is European herself, so i have the benefit of seeing things from both sides of the fence. 

Good luck

As salaam alaicum. Thanks for your reply. I agree to an extent as I can never be 100% sure what she truely thinks of me! But she does always have an opinion on things I do eg going out with friends and going to see my family or even when it’s just me and my husband going somewhere! Which is not allowed lol. She interferes way too much and I can’t cope with it anymore, really hope we do live separately! I would of been quite happy living with in laws but MILs behaviour does effect our marriage and also my relationship with her. I’m in 2 minds to tell my family about this but I also don’t want my family to worry or change how she feels and sees my in laws. 

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21 minutes ago, kirtc said:

since you dont have kids... get a divorce and get out of there.. sounds like hell.. Imam khomeini didnt even let his wife wash the dishes.. he did it himself.

 I second this. I remember your old posts. You have been unhappy for the entire length of your marriage. This is no way to live. Things won't change. Have a final talk with your husband and move out.If he cares enough for your happiness and this marriage he will take the necessary steps towards it, otherwise you have your answer. Move on. Have faith that Allahسُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى will not leave you alone.

I will pray for you, sister. Remember life is a test, as long as you have your Imaan everything else is good.

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2 hours ago, RevertSister said:

As salaam alaicum. Thanks for your reply. I agree to an extent as I can never be 100% sure what she truely thinks of me! But she does always have an opinion on things I do eg going out with friends and going to see my family or even when it’s just me and my husband going somewhere! Which is not allowed lol. She interferes way too much and I can’t cope with it anymore, really hope we do live separately! I would of been quite happy living with in laws but MILs behaviour does effect our marriage and also my relationship with her. I’m in 2 minds to tell my family about this but I also don’t want my family to worry or change how she feels and sees my in laws. 

First don't Listen to people about divorce! It really is the LAST resort, as for your MIL please try to speak with your husband, no one has a right to demand, order or make issues with you over seeing your friends and family. ESPECIALLY going out with your husband, your MIL sounds like a nasty old hypocrite. If she is really a devoted muslim I suggest you research and get some Quran verses that support her shutting up and minding her own business and not gossiping and making you uncomfortable. 

 

You are in your home with your husband yet she makes you feel like an outsider and you don't belong, Why because your white? reverted? not good enough for her Son? Well im Damn sure her son chose YOU! and inshallah he will chose your side. Speak to him ASAP if he will not accept you move to a nice flat somewhere and see his family one a week (Which to be honest is the norm for most muslim middle eastern families i know) for dinner and quality time than take ur phone and record your MIL doing nasty and bad things than get ur things and leave to your parents. Go speak to Mosque and seek guidance. If he doesn't try to resolve the issues HIS family caused than he honestly isn't worth it. Also girl Stop cooking, Cleaning, etc. I wonder even if they are using you as a free Maid or something. I don't mind normal house work but you seem to be the only one doing everything around that house and i have a small voice in my head saying "He married for to take care of their home and his parents" weird i know but there are SICK people out there.

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On 13/02/2018 at 12:13 PM, shouzan said:

First don't Listen to people about divorce! It really is the LAST resort, as for your MIL please try to speak with your husband, no one has a right to demand, order or make issues with you over seeing your friends and family. ESPECIALLY going out with your husband, your MIL sounds like a nasty old hypocrite. If she is really a devoted muslim I suggest you research and get some Quran verses that support her shutting up and minding her own business and not gossiping and making you uncomfortable. 

 

You are in your home with your husband yet she makes you feel like an outsider and you don't belong, Why because your white? reverted? not good enough for her Son? Well im Damn sure her son chose YOU! and inshallah he will chose your side. Speak to him ASAP if he will not accept you move to a nice flat somewhere and see his family one a week (Which to be honest is the norm for most muslim middle eastern families i know) for dinner and quality time than take ur phone and record your MIL doing nasty and bad things than get ur things and leave to your parents. Go speak to Mosque and seek guidance. If he doesn't try to resolve the issues HIS family caused than he honestly isn't worth it. Also girl Stop cooking, Cleaning, etc. I wonder even if they are using you as a free Maid or something. I don't mind normal house work but you seem to be the only one doing everything around that house and i have a small voice in my head saying "He married for to take care of their home and his parents" weird i know but there are SICK people out there.

JazakAllah for your message. I agree, that’s what drives me crazy the most! I don’t see why it’s a problem when me and my husband go out ( without anyone else tagging along! ) ..the fact I do what I do within this household but when MIL feels annoyed with me she backbites and tells family members I’m lazy and don’t do anything and tells my SIL to tell my husband I need to do more! That actually broke me a little as I’ve tried so hard to fit in and make so much effort to get on with everyone yet she makes me feel trapped here! Dislike so much. A family meeting will happen soon to discuss his mums behaviour, I know she will play the victim or start crying or swearing.. end of the day she’s in the wrong and I really have seen her true colours. Since all of this has happened I can’t see her the way I used to, a part of me dislikes her which makes me feel sad. In shaa Allah it all gets resolved, hoping to move out if not then my parents house is the option I’m thinking of taking. Xx

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On 2018-02-16 at 5:18 AM, RevertSister said:

JazakAllah for your message. I agree, that’s what drives me crazy the most! I don’t see why it’s a problem when me and my husband go out ( without anyone else tagging along! ) ..the fact I do what I do within this household but when MIL feels annoyed with me she backbites and tells family members I’m lazy and don’t do anything and tells my SIL to tell my husband I need to do more! That actually broke me a little as I’ve tried so hard to fit in and make so much effort to get on with everyone yet she makes me feel trapped here! Dislike so much. A family meeting will happen soon to discuss his mums behaviour, I know she will play the victim or start crying or swearing.. end of the day she’s in the wrong and I really have seen her true colours. Since all of this has happened I can’t see her the way I used to, a part of me dislikes her which makes me feel sad. In shaa Allah it all gets resolved, hoping to move out if not then my parents house is the option I’m thinking of taking. Xx

Consider crimes all over the world, it is NOT the persons intentions behind the action it is how action effects individuals. So even if your MIL has the "best intentions" with her backbiting it actually has affected you mentally and made you uncomfortable as a person. I suggest you discuss your feelings about everything with your husband first before this meeting. Than he can be your backup and support during this family meeting. It is hard for people to accept the fault and responsibility for their own actions.  and yes she will make drama and play victim, but DONT let this erase your feelings regarding how her actions and words have made you feel. He chose you as HIS wife. Your MIL has nothing to do with your marriage. Be Strong!

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On 13/02/2018 at 10:48 AM, starlight said:

 I second this. I remember your old posts. You have been unhappy for the entire length of your marriage. This is no way to live. Things won't change. Have a final talk with your husband and move out.If he cares enough for your happiness and this marriage he will take the necessary steps towards it, otherwise you have your answer. Move on. Have faith that Allahسُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى will not leave you alone.

I will pray for you, sister. Remember life is a test, as long as you have your Imaan everything else is good.

This might be the best option. Allah wants to see you grow as a person and this situation may cause great harm to your personality. This mental stress could cause you to treat other people in bad ways.

You should move out and tell him that he needs to move too if he still wants you. Once you are out you could give him a little while to see if he agrees to move.

Do not allow this to drag on.

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