My battle against major sinning

[Mo76]

Being the only major religious issue nowadays in my life, so far I have to say that watching filth for almost a decade has cased detrimental impact on my life since it is extremely difficult to stop. In my early to mid teen years my muslim friend got me hooked. I am still friends with him, and have always thought that Insha'Allah if I am still kind to him despite him bringing this terrible habit onto me maybe I will get some thawab for being kind to someone who nearly stunted my growth for the last decade. But for the past year I've just grown so sick and tired that I feel like cursing my muslim friend although I still feel bad about the lanat. Currently I'm in my early 20s' and don't know what to do anymore. I have seen so many videos about the negative impacts of this terrible sin, after which I have temporary guilt and then sooner or later either I can't resist the urge any longer or I have some free time and my mind just clicks in the direction of watching filth. I have even read the benefits of abstinence, but my mind, and memory can be so short termed that whenever I feel the urge I forget the benefits of abstinence and ending the sin. I feel like it has almost stunted my growth and normal mental, social, and physical, development during my teen years, and now that I am an 'adult'. I have very weak will power and have fallen back into it more times than I can count. I know Allah forgives all sins, and that he is watching but it's almost like some part of my mind makes my rational thinking ignore the consequences and ignores that he is watching. I pray my namaz, and have been making dua to Allah desperately for years to end this sin but with my fast paced academic life in engineering, and other responsibilities such as work, and reciting in majalis in the sacred months I don't know what other option to do. Even with keeping busy and working out I feel constant urges. Nothing makes me feel better. This sin has made me depressed and at times I've felt really down in the gutter. I take anti-depressant meds to from the doctor. Sometimes I think this sin was in my qadr by Allah to begin with and I've seen Islamic videos that Allah makes us sin, but I just cant get over the fact that sometimes I actually have this problem. My condition is so bad that even my sibling (I am the youngest of 3) has caught me watching and my brain has been literally hardwired to continue afterwards despite being caught. I hate that it's a taboo because its a really serious issue to begin with. I have so many thoughts of negativity that this sin has brought that this thread would not be enough to explain my psychological problems. Sometimes I literally have no remorse after doing the sin, but later that day or the next day I feel the negative physical and mental impacts, such as weakness, laziness, fatigue etc.. I STILL DO IT. My parents aren't even accepting of this, YOU WONT BELIEVE I TOLD THEM. They say its a natural part of growing up but they have never dealt with this stuff so they don't know what it does as I am first generation Muslim American. I go to a muslim therapist and told him but he says to watch appropriate Islamic videos on its health detriments which I was watching even before I told him but I literally cannot stop. I even read the American No-fap threads.. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY FUTURE WITHOUT THIS ADDICTION basically. I don't know how to stop. Sorry for the super long story but honestly whoever can give me great advice from the heart, will deserve immense thawab in my opinion. :_( PLEASE HELP. I know there are probably numerous cases of this issue but I want to end this in MY LIFE so I can be a better person. Please be kind I am a new member.

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Brother, what is preventing you from marriage?  

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

[Mo76]

I do not have income to support a wife since I'm only a student. I've read that one should only marry once you are mentally capable of the responsibilities and financially ready to handle it. Also my parents although they try to be as modern thinking as possible would probably not accept the idea of me marrying right now, and forget Mutah. I talk to girls to but have never done or penetrated. Although years ago I used to be in a relationship.  My hormones are still raging like a teen, even in my early 20s. I've also read that marriage may not solve the addiction, because one might continue the addiction after marriage. Thank you for the response.

 

And Allah knows best. 

[Laayla]

@repenter

@Abu Hadi

@kirtc

@Hassan-

 

[Bakir]

If it is causing you mental problems, you are torturing yourself and giving it an importance way more than expected. Focus on the good emotions to substitute this addiction. Torturing yourself and consciously lowering your self-esteem isn't helping in overcoming an addiction, but the exact contrary.

What is important is not to lose your track, slips can be committed by anyone. Stay positive about yourself nonetheless, because that's a necessary step for any goal you want to achieve in your life.

[Mo76]

Salaam Brother Bakir, 

Thank you for your words. I have a negative voice inside of me, and I've succumb to it way too often.  You know every time I'm tempted and give in, after the sin I expect Allah to throw some consequences on me and it has happened often (not just physically, or mentally but also bad worldly things have actually happened), it's like a sign from Allah but then and again the cycle of asking for forgiveness and sin begins because of temporary remembrance.

Nevertheless, you are right, I often suffer slips and I do my best not to get side tracked.  Perhaps having good emotions and being realistic about recovery from this sin and improvement in life will pave the way for ultimate change as it is not only spiritually but also psychologically and physically. Please pray for my recovery from this sin.  If anyone else has words of wisdom or even experience, I hope they can learn from my situation and Insha'Allah overcome this sin as well. 

 

[ali_fatheroforphans]

Bro! In Shiachat I have made a club so members can speak out if they have certain sexual related issues. Join this club.

Overcoming this addiction requires patience, will power, strategy and proper planning.

Don't listen to anyone here who says  "get married asap". These people know nothing about addiction. You will end up ruining your marriage life. Your marriage will be a marriage where you can't even be honest and open to your wife. The only exception is if you already tell your wife in advance and she is happy to help you overcome your addiction. Marriage is not a solution to a behavioural addiction. It might only help you to some extent. Your addiction is a chemical addiction - as your brain wants dopamine to be released in large amounts. 

Here are some strategies which can help you get started:

(1) Purify your intention. If you do this to get closer to Allah - it will be much easier. Don't do this purely for wordly benefits.

(2) Get an accountability partner who you can trust. Trust me, without an accountability partner you will make it twice as difficult for yourself. 

(3) Build new habits. You can't ever destroy old habits if you don't replace them with good habits. Find habits which give you comparable amount of pleasure in a healthy way.

(4) You need to keep a personal journal and update your progress every day. Before sleeping write down how your day went and ways to improve. This helps you become strategical as you're engaging with yourself.

(5) Stay clean man. Also clean your room at all times etc.

(6) Get inspired by motivational books. Here is one amazing book called "Self-Building" by Ayatullah Ibrahim Amini

 https://www.al-islam.org/self-building-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini

(7) Wear an aqeeq ring if you don't. 

(8) Memorize Quranic verses. If you make an effort to store the word of God in your heart - then Allah will protect you at all times.

(9) Exercise so much to an extent that you don't even feel like watching that filth. You need to develop consistency and in this way it will be effective.

(10) Get a part-time job or volunteer somewhere on a regular basis.

(11) Stay in Shiachat. Come here regularly and ask questions more often. You will be surprised how much it will help you.

Anyways man, there is so much I can tell you - but it is up to you to take the first step. Don't blame your addiction or hormones, as you are making yourself weak. There is no justifying for this horrible addiction. At some point we all have to make a conscious decision which leads us to this filth. Realize that you will be accountable for this sin and it will have a bearing on your hereafter. Good luck for your journey! Inshallah Allah will make it easy for you.

[Intellectual Resistance]

Brother, you are showing willingness to change and improve. It would be better to phrase this question indirectly to not reveal sins, but nonetheless:

1. The act is based on a perceived feeling one would obtain after a stimulus they seek. You need to treat this like any other addiction. A psychotherapist i know said if you can get rid of that feeling of needing it, you break the cycle of the addiction; this is easier said than done. 

2. What triggers can you identify ? You have to be on guard brother. Does seeing any one in public influence such thoughts? What about watching generally viewed television - do you find that this also occurs even if you watch something that is 'family friendly' ? You have to take drastic action to cut these out of your life. If you're in public, lower your gaze and don't look at any woman you don't have to look at. If you're watching TV, don't watch the weather lady, don't watch programs where women are not covered properly. In fact, if you find seeing and lady covered properly or not triggers this, then cut all of it out of your life. You have to find these triggers you might not realise sow the seeds of sin early on, and cut them out.

3. This sin is based on passion and emotion. You have to learn about Shia Islam, learn about why the Quran is the word of God, learn about the reality of the existence of God so much so your faith is absolutely certain and has a strong emotional bearing on you. You must find aspects of your faith the will lead you to feeling a very strong emotional connection. When the temptation to sin comes, that emotional connection you have nurtured and developed should over power it.

4. Even though you say you can't get married now, consider working towards marriage. Work out, try to plan your life and career, and improve yourself in as many ways as you can. Take up learning a language, cooking, improve your dress, take up hobbies, try to become as rounded an individual as you can.

5. Try - as hard and inconvenient as it is- to be around people as often as you can. Do you need to study on a computer? Then go to a library or do it in the living room. 

 

Watch this also brother - i know you say you've watched videos on this, but this one is quite powerful: