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In the Name of God بسم الله
yazahra333

Husband Betrayal, Self confidence and Struggle

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dear All, 

Some of you may read parts of my story in other threads.. but to keep it short My husband did have relation or relationships outside our marriage. I was already suspecting and had found out some chat contact. After the first time where he said it was just texting... he repented and I moved on. after some moths again there was strage behaviour with his phone. Two weeks aho I found out about a fake insta account that he had where he was following and chatting with girls. He again commited and said he is in a crisis and lost himself etc etc this will not happen again and more lies

Secondly one week ago I found out he have had a relation and more he is still in contact. I have seen chats through his own insta account but this time he says it was not me and my account is being hacked. I know he is lying but he played it very smart, since his parents are now with us and he made a hysterical fight and said me that I want to accuse him of zina and things he havent done. His parents are with for two months. 

I tried to hold evrything quit and they didnt found out. 

I have two small kids one of 16 months and one of  almost two months.

For now I just decided to keep the family harmony also for the sake of my kids. And I am happy because of that I coudnt handle heavy fights and when I say he started denying I also realised that this kind of fights would lead nowhere. 

Next week we are travelljng to my parents and we decided that I stay there for a while so that my mum can help me with the kids and I personally need a break of my house situation and my husband is also quit long repeating that he wants to be alone, to find himself again. 

I am in such a inner crisis, the people around me dont know anything and for now I dont want our family to know. 

I am so hurt and didnt thought he would go so far. the man that I married was seriously a momin guy and very keen on his religion. 

I dont know what to do... since there a two small kids involved. He is a good father and also he spends quite a lit of time with the family. 

In the same time I seriously dont trust him and believe he is sick, there is a kind of sickness or obsession that makes him fall in this kinds of Haram. 

seriously how should I go on? lets be realistic a person like this is not likely going to change very easily. What will happen in one two three four years. He can easily fall again in these kind of Haram relations, he might even be still in these relations. 

I am broken till the core, I have new and strange feelings that involve my hijab...I choose for my hijab 5 years ago and was always very happy to be covered but since a while I start to lack the strenght and have thoughts of being more loose. I serously didnt make any actions of these thoughts but I kind of started to envy the women outside that share there beauty. I know this is the outcome of this whole crap that happened to me... 

I just find it so unfair that He wants me to observe such a strickt hijab and in tge same time is incolved with non muslim women. 

I do not know should I stay in this matrimony or not. He has shown us by words and deeds that he really loves me and the kids but in the same tine there where lies and unfaithfulness. 

The thought of a family break up frightens me since my own parents divorced when I ws young. But I also do not know how to go on? 

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I don't have any answers for you - your situation is difficult to say the least. I just want you to know that it is possible to repair your marriage trust, if you both are willing to work on it. I will keep your family in my duas.

Is it possible that your husband has an addiction? Is he willing to go to counseling? 

I worry that time apart might be the worst thing for you both, but especially for him. 

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I agree with notme - that it seems like an addiction.

Guys are strange and sometimes even though they seem religious  - they have the most perverted behaviours.

Symptoms like saying "I lost it", "I'm never doing it again" goes to show that he has an unhealthy addiction and is stuck in a loop.

I think you need to talk to him and ask him if there is anything in his life he wants to share. Try not to be too judgmental otherwise he won't open up. Be very supportive and willing to back him up if he admits that he has an addiction 

It might be that he has had this habit for quite a while and is struggling to get rid of it. 

It kind of reminds of guys who are addicted to porn when they get married.

Anyways, stay strong and handle things wisely. Divorce isn't always the best option, so don't rush things. 

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thanks for the reply...

Not me you felt it right he has been adicted to smoking ( not only tobbacco)  and more less one month ago before I founded out this whole cheating stuff. I talked with his parents and our Sheikh and gave him an ultimatum that if he would not go in counseling I couln not stay in this relation. He agreed and we havent visit a psychiather yet but we did went yo the general practioner to get the letter if refferal.  since his parents are with us, thats one month now he hasnt smoked anymore that I know for sure

I was commited to help him to sort out the behaviour/ addiction issues but this khiyanat thing is very much confusing and upsetting

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3 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

dear All, 

Some of you may read parts of my story in other threads.. but to keep it short My husband did have relation or relationships outside our marriage. I was already suspecting and had found out some chat contact. After the first time where he said it was just texting... he repented and I moved on. after some moths again there was strage behaviour with his phone. Two weeks aho I found out about a fake insta account that he had where he was following and chatting with girls. He again commited and said he is in a crisis and lost himself etc etc this will not happen again and more lies

Secondly one week ago I found out he have had a relation and more he is still in contact. I have seen chats through his own insta account but this time he says it was not me and my account is being hacked. I know he is lying but he played it very smart, since his parents are now with us and he made a hysterical fight and said me that I want to accuse him of zina and things he havent done. His parents are with for two months. 

I tried to hold evrything quit and they didnt found out. 

I have two small kids one of 16 months and one of  almost two months.

For now I just decided to keep the family harmony also for the sake of my kids. And I am happy because of that I coudnt handle heavy fights and when I say he started denying I also realised that this kind of fights would lead nowhere. 

Next week we are travelljng to my parents and we decided that I stay there for a while so that my mum can help me with the kids and I personally need a break of my house situation and my husband is also quit long repeating that he wants to be alone, to find himself again. 

I am in such a inner crisis, the people around me dont know anything and for now I dont want our family to know. 

I am so hurt and didnt thought he would go so far. the man that I married was seriously a momin guy and very keen on his religion. 

I dont know what to do... since there a two small kids involved. He is a good father and also he spends quite a lit of time with the family. 

In the same time I seriously dont trust him and believe he is sick, there is a kind of sickness or obsession that makes him fall in this kinds of Haram. 

seriously how should I go on? lets be realistic a person like this is not likely going to change very easily. What will happen in one two three four years. He can easily fall again in these kind of Haram relations, he might even be still in these relations. 

I am broken till the core, I have new and strange feelings that involve my hijab...I choose for my hijab 5 years ago and was always very happy to be covered but since a while I start to lack the strenght and have thoughts of being more loose. I serously didnt make any actions of these thoughts but I kind of started to envy the women outside that share there beauty. I know this is the outcome of this whole crap that happened to me... 

I just find it so unfair that He wants me to observe such a strickt hijab and in tge same time is incolved with non muslim women. 

I do not know should I stay in this matrimony or not. He has shown us by words and deeds that he really loves me and the kids but in the same tine there where lies and unfaithfulness. 

The thought of a family break up frightens me since my own parents divorced when I ws young. But I also do not know how to go on? 

Salaam Alaykum

I became upset when I read your story. Your ideology of hiding everything from parents and trying to solve it peacefully between yourself and your husband is PERFECT. It's a good sign, and your husband and you should first try to solve it.

The only way I know to solve your problem is talking with your husband. Ask him what he lacks in his life as a father and husband. Tell him to be honest with you. Ask him to tell you everything that he thinks. Let me give you an example. One time I saw a cigarette in my brother's bag(we are OK to check each other's stuff). I was worried. When I saw him I ask him:" Mohammad, is there anything that bothers you? How can I remove it and help you?" He said No, there's nothing. I said I found cigarette in your bag. He threw that away after I told him my concern.

Most couples usually accuse each other and think of divorce in these situations which is not correct. Now you should ask him what you can do to glue him and his emotions, his attention to yourself. Tell him what can you do only for him. What he loves you to do for him. I don't want to blame you. There must be a reason for his Haram actions. Taking next step while knowing the reason is better than thinking about whole random solutions without knowing it.

About your Hijab: Please, please don't take off your Hijab. Hazrat Zahra loves to see women in Hijab. I honestly don't like women who wear tight clothes and come to society. I saw that how some men look at them as sex objects. One time I saw that from a man that I never expected. When you have Hijab you say that I don't need men attention I do my job while covered. I know some people who pray for Hijabi women. Don't remove yourself from their dua. 

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Thank you brother your reply really helped me a lot. sometimes family and marriage issues are so complex and so many people are involved. 

I do love my husband but I would not stay in a relation like this if we did not have kids. Also I do not want to see our parents hurt because all of the families really helped us and are still very much loving and caring. 

He himself is also loving towards us, he tries his best providing for us with money that he works hard for. Loving the kids, planning for a better future, trying to create a good life for us with trips and restaurants etc. 

I am feeling a grudge however, like I really do not know How is it possible that your loved one can hurt you so and the worst that is is connected to Haram acts. 

How to heal my own wounds? Hie to get my own self esteem back? How to believe in Love again? 

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InShahAllah sister, I hope things work out for you and your husband. 

This issue, like all other issues have a root cause. You need to get to the root cause. 

Usually, these situations are partly the wife and partly the husband, although it might not be the case here since

I don't know anything about your marriage. There are some things that are wajib and some things that are highly recommended 

for the wife to do. I won't go over these, as you probably already know what they are.

Ask yourself if you are doing these things. If you are, then there is no blame on you. At the end of the day

whether you get divorced or stay together, you have to ask yourself, 'Did I do everything that was wajib and as much as I could 

of the mustahab and I didn't do any thulm (oppression) on my husband by not following the guidelines of the religion. If you did,

this counts as your effort in keeping the marriage together, and Allah(s.w.a) doesn't ask of you more than that. Then  you can either stay in the

marriage or end it but either way you have a clean soul and you can get rid of your anxiety and move on with your life in a positive way. 

And don't connect the issue of hijab with the issue of your marriage situation. Those are two completely different issues. 

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Respected Sister, 

May Allah get you out of this crisis. 

Keep praying daily without losing hope and pray for the best thing to happen to your kids , yourself, your husband and your family. God for sure will answer your prayers. 

Coming to the issue at hand now, we know how it feels if someone cheats us or keeps lying even though when we know the truth. It is understandable that you are deeply hurt. 

Please stay calm and sit down and decide on how you want to take this relationship forward. 

I would suggest that 

1)Once your in-laws leave your place , talk to your husband straight and you both attend a marriage counsel and give a chance, you will be rewarded by Allah if you can forgive someone who has caused you so much misery. Slowly build trust and things might fall back to normal. 

Also consider few things , what is making your husband fall for someone outside your marriage , is there some short coming from your end too . Example : MY Time issues , love , intimacy etc. Whatever he's missing in the current marriage .. As we are not sure of why he is doing things...

2) Even after giving a chance and still  If things are not falling back to place , make families aware of the situation and decide what is best for you. 

You may make it or break it... Ultimately it's your call...

Consider factors like cost of living and bringing up kids , job chances and other future aspects too. 

Allah bless you sister...

Regards

Vikram.

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You have 2 little kids so you need much support these days. May God help you and save you and your family from this condition.

All the advices above ate helpful.According to psychologists, what triggers many-if not most- of disloyalty cases in family lives is that the wife or husband feels that his/ her spouse isnt empathetic and friendly enough to him but the other person shows more empathy so attracts him/ her.

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