Personal Relationship Issue - What should I do??

[Sword of God]

Good Evening brothers and sisters,

I have gone through a hard year of decision making when it comes to a woman in whom i was going to marry. I have been a devote follower of Ahlul Bayt (AS) for all my life. I currently live in Kuwait.

3 years ago, I met a special woman while studying at university. When I first saw her I was overwhelmed with emotions; she was a respected sister in Islam. We used to talk on campus and became great friends in university. I wasn't ready financially to contact her father, and dint feel like he would accept me, being just a student. I decided to wait till graduation and prayed to God that he hastens that day and to instill me patience; was graduating in a year. However, love got the best of the both of us, and we decided to do something I personally didn't want to do; we exchanged numbers. During that time, we talked and texted a lot, which sadly also caused many expectations (Good mornings, asking how we are, etc...) and hence, drama started to happen. Although we had our ups and downs, we were still committed and determined to marry one another.

Earlier this year (2017), almost 3 years into our relationship, I graduated and started to work and save up dowry (mahr) money. I contacted the father and he refused me, along with her mother. The main reason was nationality, for she was a Kuwaiti citizen and I was a Canadian (originally half Egyptian half Kuwaiti). The father stated that he worried about his daughter's future stability as marrying a Kuwaiti man would have lots of benefits (Housing, etc...). Nevertheless, I continued my prayers, du3as, and constant night prayers (salaat allayl). I came back and called the father during spring and he completely rejected me and told me to never call again, he also went to the daughter and changed her number, told her that he doesn't want anything to do with me, and if he figures out anything, she would be in trouble. To make matters worse, he even decided to find a man for her, and he was quick about it. She rejected the men he told her about, and during this time we didn't talk (almost 2 months). Finally, he called me and told me suddenly that he is sorry and that he had to tell me something.

I went to see the father at a coffee shop, in where he told me that he was so sorry for his mistreatment. At this point I thought my prayers have been answered, and was really emotional while being around him. It wasn't until he told me something that has had me in deep depression since. The father told me that he was forcing his daughter into arranged marriage so that I wouldn't interfere in her life, and that they argued a lot at home and she even ran away to her cousin's house and slept there for a few days. She told him also that if you don't let me marry the man i want (me), I wont accept another man. He then threatened her and told her that I will put this man (Me) in jail for talking to you, and that she should better move on and become more "Wise". She told him "Ok". He then told me that she came home recently crying, crying her soul and was screaming in agony. When her parents asked her what happened she kept saying that its their fault, its their fault. Apparently, due to her parents rejecting me and forcing her into arranged marriage, and literally telling her that she will not marry me, the girl decided to chill around the wrong crowd at university, in where she met a man, or lets just say a "Wolf", who was Kuwaiti, and he told her that he is interested in her and all these lies. The girl being in depression, in denial, and angry, (Still not an excuse) decided to go out with this man to a nearby coffee shop, in where he locked the doors, drove off, parked somewhere, and tried to physically abuse her. Apparently, he almost went all the way, while beating her down till she was almost unconscious. Only thing we knew was he almost took her virginity, but he pretty much did everything else. He kicked her out of the car and drove off. She called her dad and went right to the police station, and it turns out that the man was not in university but only visiting. The cops are still under investigation.

At this moment, I was speechless, hurt, and seriously pouring tears without saying a single word. The father was also tearing. He told me to please come and see his daughter. I went over and I just remember arguing with her, angry: Why did you do that? Where is your faith? Where is your fear of God? What happened? How could you even get into a car with a man you meet a week ago? WHY?!! The father calmed me down but I ignored what had happened to her or being there for her, as I was furious and sad. It is unlike her to do anything like this. She admitted her fault but also tried to blame the environment she was in lately, but that isn't a proper reason, no matter the situation. I decided to tell the father that I will need time to decide if I want to marry or not. Less than a month later, in Ramadhan 2017, I took a journey to Karbala, followed by Mecca and Madina. I was in deep prayers about the situation and it seriously affected me while I was on the journey. I felt intense feeling of betrayal, hate, rage, and ground bottom depression.I had 2 voices in my head, one telling me to be strong and forgive, while the other telling me to move on and that the relationship was cursed due to your haram actions of talking to her for years prior to meeting the father. 

When I got back, the father kept calling me and informing me that the girl has been in full repentance and prayers, her face has become lightened, and she changed completely; not only has she gone back to her good ways, but she has become way stronger in faith. He even mentions that he doesnt recognize his daughter anymore, that she has become to what he explained as the light of his house. I believed him because I know the feeling of a sinner when they truly repent. Allah is ever merciful, ever forgiving, and compassionate to all of us. She got back to university in September and all I heard from certain male friends that I know is that she is constantly at the prayer room between classes, while only goes to class and back home.

Since September I haven't heard anything about her and I felt that I moved on, although when remembering the situation I still felt angry and sad, I kept my head high and focused on my work life. It wasn't until recently. Last Tuesday, while at work, I had one of my students tell me that she has a sister named the same name as my ex. This random saying suddenly happened to bring about an intense feeling and a flash of memories, even she the girl has been seriously off my mind. I started to notice that I suddenly became tired and sat down. Although I was constantly asking God to pardon my thoughts, forgive, and heal me at the moment, the emotions came more intense, and this time it wasn't rage, it was remembering what I loved about the woman. I was trying to convince myself that I am done with her, while claiming that these thoughts are from my waswas or a devil, I wasn't able to win. I realized I still cared for her, and felt like I had finally forgiven her for what she did. I didn't know if this was a sign that I could move on in peace, or a sign to call her dad and make the marriage happen. Still, I was shocked at my own feelings for being this way, and so suddenly at this moment while working. Surprisingly, her father called me, and informed me that his daughter has been constantly asking Allah for me to forgive her, and to find it in my heart to accept her, that she is a changed woman, a better woman than ever, and to at least remove the bad image I had of her. This call shocked me because what I felt earlier wasn't normal at all. Could her prayers been answered? 

Now my problem is this: I don't know if I should continue with her in marriage or not. Do i have feelings? Yes, I do. They aren't as strong as they were, but its still there, and although I am fully over what happened, its still judging my decision. I know if I get back with her, it would be beautiful for her relationship with Allah, and will definitely strengthen it; for she has been in repentance and is praying that Allah forgives her and changes my heart.

What are some hadiths on this issue? About cheating, forgiving someone? What would you believe is best in Allah's eyes for me to do? At the end, I want to please Allah over anything. I did an estekhara about whether I should marry her or not, while at Karbala when I was there, and it turned out to be "Jayed" or "Sadeqa". My heart is neutral about this, its not against her and not with her, I really just want to please my creator after these sins. This issue has been a chaotic and emotional roller coaster.

What would you do?

 

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Some men are uncapable of marrying a girl who had another man touch her.  I don't know if you are like that.  If you are then I wouldn't advise going through the marriage.  Because in the future you don't want to bring up the past in your relationship.  It will be a recipe for disaster.

You can do another istikhara if you should proceed this marriage or leave it (tarraq). You can pray two rikat istikharra and put the answers under the prayer mat and pick one.

Make du32 and talk with Imam Zaman to make it clear for you.

If your mother is still alive ask for her du32s too.

God bless and help you.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

[Sword of God]

2 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

Some men are uncapable of marrying a girl who had another man touch her.  I don't know if you are like that.  If you are then I wouldn't advise going through the marriage.  Because in the future you don't want to bring up the past in your relationship.  It will be a recipe for disaster.

You can do another istikhara if you should proceed this marriage or leave it (tarraq). You can pray two rikat istikharra and put the answers under the prayer mat and pick one.

Make du32 and talk with Imam Zaman to make it clear for you.

If your mother is still alive ask for her du32s too.

God bless and help you.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

Assalam Alaykum,

I actually wasnt bothered by her being touched from another man, it was more of me being fully depressed that this happened.

I took your advice deeply and made du3a from the bottom of my soul. I prayed the 2 rak3as and made more du3a. The answer that i got under the sajjada was to marry her. This has opened my heart and made me feel good, i will look into it now.

Thank you so much for this, may God bless you ❤️

[rkazmi33]

I find it strange that her father was so strict, and after this incident, he suddenly became such a loving and kind father. Traditional parents usually blame their own daughters. But the reason could be that he is worried that no one will marry her, so he just wants to make sure she gets married and you are probably the only man who would accept her. It's also strange that you didn't hear anything from her and suddenly when you thought about her, her father called you. Another strange part of your story is that the girl is focusing so much on marriage. Girls who go through such experience deal with other issues like nightmares, PTSD and usually they become repulsive towards marriage. My guess is that since the girl was hanging out with wrong crowd, she learned black magic. It's becoming very common. When I tried to get divorce from my husband, I was facing so many hurdles, it was like the whole universe wanted me to stop. If I didn't know him, I would have thought that he is very pious and highly spiritual person and I should not get divorce from him, but I knew how evil he was. 

I have become skeptical that prayers get answered so quickly. I have seen many people getting abused for years and they probably pray for bad things to happen to their oppressors and nothing happens. If she has really learned black magic, then you don't have to make a decision. You won't be able to marry anyone else even if you try and at the end, you will marry her. I remember watching an indian movie in which hero and heroine were separated. Heroine was missing hero, while he was enjoying his life. One day he was beaten up by robbers and when he was crying, he suddenly remembered the heroine and he realized this was happening because she was hurting. It's romantic when it happens in movies, but it's twisted and creepy when it happens in real life. 

Edited December 4, 2017 by rkazmi33

[Sword of God]

1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

I find it strange that her father was so strict, and after this incident, he suddenly became such a loving and kind father. Traditional parents usually blame their own daughters. But the reason could be that he is worried that no one will marry her, so he just wants to make sure she gets married and you are probably the only man who would accept her. It's also strange that you didn't hear anything from her and suddenly when you thought about her, her father called you. Another strange part of your story is that the girl is focusing so much on marriage. Girls who go through such experience deal with other issues like nightmares, PTSD and usually they become repulsive towards marriage. My guess is that since the girl was hanging out with wrong crowd, she learned black magic. It's becoming very common. When I tried to get divorce from my husband, I was facing so many hurdles, it was like the whole universe wanted me to stop. If I didn't know him, I would have thought that he is very pious and highly spiritual person and I should not get divorce from him, but I knew how evil he was. 

I have become skeptical that prayers get answered so quickly. I have seen many people getting abused for years and they probably pray for bad things to happen to their oppressors and nothing happens. If she has really learned black magic, then you don't have to make a decision. You won't be able to marry anyone else even if you try and at the end, you will marry her. I remember watching an indian movie in which hero and heroine were separated. Heroine was missing hero, while he was enjoying his life. One day he was beaten up by robbers and when he was crying, he suddenly remembered the heroine and he realized this was happening because she was hurting. It's romantic when it happens in movies, but it's twisted and creepy when it happens in real life. 

Thanks for your input,

When it came to her father, he is basically the same as many fathers especially Kuwaitis, they prefer their women marrying from close relatives rather than outsiders. And yes i think he accepted me because he saw the horrid his daughter went through because she was in denial to his demands, also that he probably thinks no one will want her. I have read about these stories regarding black magic when it comes to relationships and was also worried that it could imply in whats happening with me. I almost believed that I was cursed because i felt this way. However, I believe this is a matter of immature and decisions and the damage it causes, coming from all ends. 

[Shianon]

Assalamu alikum.

While I agree with the other user that her dad might be asking you because he thinks no one else will want her, make this about you and her, not about her dad.

I'm kind of skeptical that she would have done black magic.

If I were you, I would try to find it in my heart to forgive her. But I wouldn't jump too fast into the relationship. Take it slowly. But that's just me. You asked what I would do. I hope you do the same but it's really up to how you feel.

May Allahسُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى Help you in finding what's good for you.

[AmirAlmuminin Lover]

3 hours ago, Sword of God said:

Good Evening brothers and sisters,

I have gone through a hard year of decision making when it comes to a woman in whom i was going to marry. I have been a devote follower of Ahlul Bayt (AS) for all my life. I currently live in Kuwait.

3 years ago, I met a special woman while studying at university. When I first saw her I was overwhelmed with emotions; she was a respected sister in Islam. We used to talk on campus and became great friends in university. I wasn't ready financially to contact her father, and dint feel like he would accept me, being just a student. I decided to wait till graduation and prayed to God that he hastens that day and to instill me patience; was graduating in a year. However, love got the best of the both of us, and we decided to do something I personally didn't want to do; we exchanged numbers. During that time, we talked and texted a lot, which sadly also caused many expectations (Good mornings, asking how we are, etc...) and hence, drama started to happen. Although we had our ups and downs, we were still committed and determined to marry one another.

Earlier this year (2017), almost 3 years into our relationship, I graduated and started to work and save up dowry (mahr) money. I contacted the father and he refused me, along with her mother. The main reason was nationality, for she was a Kuwaiti citizen and I was a Canadian (originally half Egyptian half Kuwaiti). The father stated that he worried about his daughter's future stability as marrying a Kuwaiti man would have lots of benefits (Housing, etc...). Nevertheless, I continued my prayers, du3as, and constant night prayers (salaat allayl). I came back and called the father during spring and he completely rejected me and told me to never call again, he also went to the daughter and changed her number, told her that he doesn't want anything to do with me, and if he figures out anything, she would be in trouble. To make matters worse, he even decided to find a man for her, and he was quick about it. She rejected the men he told her about, and during this time we didn't talk (almost 2 months). Finally, he called me and told me suddenly that he is sorry and that he had to tell me something.

I went to see the father at a coffee shop, in where he told me that he was so sorry for his mistreatment. At this point I thought my prayers have been answered, and was really emotional while being around him. It wasn't until he told me something that has had me in deep depression since. The father told me that he was forcing his daughter into arranged marriage so that I wouldn't interfere in her life, and that they argued a lot at home and she even ran away to her cousin's house and slept there for a few days. She told him also that if you don't let me marry the man i want (me), I wont accept another man. He then threatened her and told her that I will put this man (Me) in jail for talking to you, and that she should better move on and become more "Wise". She told him "Ok". He then told me that she came home recently crying, crying her soul and was screaming in agony. When her parents asked her what happened she kept saying that its their fault, its their fault. Apparently, due to her parents rejecting me and forcing her into arranged marriage, and literally telling her that she will not marry me, the girl decided to chill around the wrong crowd at university, in where she met a man, or lets just say a "Wolf", who was Kuwaiti, and he told her that he is interested in her and all these lies. The girl being in depression, in denial, and angry, (Still not an excuse) decided to go out with this man to a nearby coffee shop, in where he locked the doors, drove off, parked somewhere, and tried to physically abuse her. Apparently, he almost went all the way, while beating her down till she was almost unconscious. Only thing we knew was he almost took her virginity, but he pretty much did everything else. He kicked her out of the car and drove off. She called her dad and went right to the police station, and it turns out that the man was not in university but only visiting. The cops are still under investigation.

At this moment, I was speechless, hurt, and seriously pouring tears without saying a single word. The father was also tearing. He told me to please come and see his daughter. I went over and I just remember arguing with her, angry: Why did you do that? Where is your faith? Where is your fear of God? What happened? How could you even get into a car with a man you meet a week ago? WHY?!! The father calmed me down but I ignored what had happened to her or being there for her, as I was furious and sad. It is unlike her to do anything like this. She admitted her fault but also tried to blame the environment she was in lately, but that isn't a proper reason, no matter the situation. I decided to tell the father that I will need time to decide if I want to marry or not. Less than a month later, in Ramadhan 2017, I took a journey to Karbala, followed by Mecca and Madina. I was in deep prayers about the situation and it seriously affected me while I was on the journey. I felt intense feeling of betrayal, hate, rage, and ground bottom depression.I had 2 voices in my head, one telling me to be strong and forgive, while the other telling me to move on and that the relationship was cursed due to your haram actions of talking to her for years prior to meeting the father. 

When I got back, the father kept calling me and informing me that the girl has been in full repentance and prayers, her face has become lightened, and she changed completely; not only has she gone back to her good ways, but she has become way stronger in faith. He even mentions that he doesnt recognize his daughter anymore, that she has become to what he explained as the light of his house. I believed him because I know the feeling of a sinner when they truly repent. Allah is ever merciful, ever forgiving, and compassionate to all of us. She got back to university in September and all I heard from certain male friends that I know is that she is constantly at the prayer room between classes, while only goes to class and back home.

Since September I haven't heard anything about her and I felt that I moved on, although when remembering the situation I still felt angry and sad, I kept my head high and focused on my work life. It wasn't until recently. Last Tuesday, while at work, I had one of my students tell me that she has a sister named the same name as my ex. This random saying suddenly happened to bring about an intense feeling and a flash of memories, even she the girl has been seriously off my mind. I started to notice that I suddenly became tired and sat down. Although I was constantly asking God to pardon my thoughts, forgive, and heal me at the moment, the emotions came more intense, and this time it wasn't rage, it was remembering what I loved about the woman. I was trying to convince myself that I am done with her, while claiming that these thoughts are from my waswas or a devil, I wasn't able to win. I realized I still cared for her, and felt like I had finally forgiven her for what she did. I didn't know if this was a sign that I could move on in peace, or a sign to call her dad and make the marriage happen. Still, I was shocked at my own feelings for being this way, and so suddenly at this moment while working. Surprisingly, her father called me, and informed me that his daughter has been constantly asking Allah for me to forgive her, and to find it in my heart to accept her, that she is a changed woman, a better woman than ever, and to at least remove the bad image I had of her. This call shocked me because what I felt earlier wasn't normal at all. Could her prayers been answered? 

Now my problem is this: I don't know if I should continue with her in marriage or not. Do i have feelings? Yes, I do. They aren't as strong as they were, but its still there, and although I am fully over what happened, its still judging my decision. I know if I get back with her, it would be beautiful for her relationship with Allah, and will definitely strengthen it; for she has been in repentance and is praying that Allah forgives her and changes my heart.

What are some hadiths on this issue? About cheating, forgiving someone? What would you believe is best in Allah's eyes for me to do? At the end, I want to please Allah over anything. I did an estekhara about whether I should marry her or not, while at Karbala when I was there, and it turned out to be "Jayed" or "Sadeqa". My heart is neutral about this, its not against her and not with her, I really just want to please my creator after these sins. This issue has been a chaotic and emotional roller coaster.

What would you do?

 

Salaam Alaykum Brother

First of all, this story is heartbreaking. A jovial, religious, virgin girl who one day was happy, now is down and repentant. I want to mention this to all brothers and sisters who are here. If you couldn't marry the person you want, it is not the end of the world. When I was back in Iran, experienced psychologists always telling on media that leaving home makes things worse. You can see in this case as well. Youth people should not leave home for their problems in marriage or problems with their parents. I lived in a house that never experienced peace, but I never left home because I know where it would end. Second is for parents. What exactly prophet told us? Mohammad Rasoulullah said if you like Aklaq and religion of the person, give him your daughter. Nationality is not the reason to reject somebody.

 

Brother, I don't tell you marry her or not. It's up to you. There are a lot of details in this story that you know, and I don't know. It's up to you. Since her father called you right at a time that you were also thinking about her doesn't indicate that you should marry her. Forget about this.

Rasoulullah said: " Oghoud, marriage Nikahs, are written in skies". You finally marry somebody whom Allah considered for you. If you think that you cannot forgive her for what happened to her, do not marry her at all. It ruins your future and her as well. Second thing is that don't look at her as guilty person. Apparently she repented, and now she is clean like a new born baby according to Ahadeeth. Brother, this is very important to not look at her as guilty person. There were a lot of things that caused this problem, and Allah knows the best.

 

و من الله توفیق

Edited December 4, 2017 by AmirAlmuminin Lover

[Ashvazdanghe]

hi i'm still single and not good at this things but if you think irrationally when Allah forgives her  & every time make a bridge between both of you its better to accept her.

http://www.fourshiabooks.com/results/forgive

[Ashvazdanghe]

 

Muhammad ibn Yahya has narrated from Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn 'Isa from Ali ibn al-Nu'man from Ishaq ibn 'Ammar who has said the following:
 

"It is narrated to me from abu 'Abd Allah, recipient of divine supreme covenant, who has said that once a man came to the Holy Prophet and said, 'O Messenger of Allah, my family has refused to do anything for me but to cut off and abuse me, and I also want to reject them.' He (the Messenger of Allah) said, 'If you do so, Allah will reject all of you.' He then asked, 'What should I do?' He (the Messenger of Allah) said, 'Maintain good relations with whoever cuts you off, give to those who deprive you, and forgive those who do injustice to you. If you do this, you will have support for this from Allah.'"

Share...Chapter: 64, Hadith: 1963, Number: 2

[Guest Account Ali]

12 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

I find it strange that her father was so strict, and after this incident, he suddenly became such a loving and kind father. Traditional parents usually blame their own daughters. But the reason could be that he is worried that no one will marry her, so he just wants to make sure she gets married and you are probably the only man who would accept her. It's also strange that you didn't hear anything from her and suddenly when you thought about her, her father called you. Another strange part of your story is that the girl is focusing so much on marriage. Girls who go through such experience deal with other issues like nightmares, PTSD and usually they become repulsive towards marriage. My guess is that since the girl was hanging out with wrong crowd, she learned black magic. It's becoming very common. When I tried to get divorce from my husband, I was facing so many hurdles, it was like the whole universe wanted me to stop. If I didn't know him, I would have thought that he is very pious and highly spiritual person and I should not get divorce from him, but I knew how evil he was. 

I have become skeptical that prayers get answered so quickly. I have seen many people getting abused for years and they probably pray for bad things to happen to their oppressors and nothing happens. If she has really learned black magic, then you don't have to make a decision. You won't be able to marry anyone else even if you try and at the end, you will marry her. I remember watching an indian movie in which hero and heroine were separated. Heroine was missing hero, while he was enjoying his life. One day he was beaten up by robbers and when he was crying, he suddenly remembered the heroine and he realized this was happening because she was hurting. It's romantic when it happens in movies, but it's twisted and creepy when it happens in real life. 

Salaam, I would not go so far as to say black magic was involved. Since that is a hail Mary argument that really is not verifiable, but still somewhat possible. 

 

Also sister, if I am going to be honest your post is extremely cynical. I mean I have family friends who lived in war torn Iraq and witnessed family members get blown up and gunned down and also I have known in my family women who got beaten and abused by their husbands and they still manage to be less cynical and generalizing than you.

 

I believe you are internalizing your past too much, I may know little about your past but trust me there are people out there who have suffered worse than you but that is no excuse to internalize your past to the extent that you espouse cynical rhetoric. 

[Guest Account Ali]

15 hours ago, Sword of God said:

Good Evening brothers and sisters,

I have gone through a hard year of decision making when it comes to a woman in whom i was going to marry. I have been a devote follower of Ahlul Bayt (AS) for all my life. I currently live in Kuwait.

3 years ago, I met a special woman while studying at university. When I first saw her I was overwhelmed with emotions; she was a respected sister in Islam. We used to talk on campus and became great friends in university. I wasn't ready financially to contact her father, and dint feel like he would accept me, being just a student. I decided to wait till graduation and prayed to God that he hastens that day and to instill me patience; was graduating in a year. However, love got the best of the both of us, and we decided to do something I personally didn't want to do; we exchanged numbers. During that time, we talked and texted a lot, which sadly also caused many expectations (Good mornings, asking how we are, etc...) and hence, drama started to happen. Although we had our ups and downs, we were still committed and determined to marry one another.

Earlier this year (2017), almost 3 years into our relationship, I graduated and started to work and save up dowry (mahr) money. I contacted the father and he refused me, along with her mother. The main reason was nationality, for she was a Kuwaiti citizen and I was a Canadian (originally half Egyptian half Kuwaiti). The father stated that he worried about his daughter's future stability as marrying a Kuwaiti man would have lots of benefits (Housing, etc...). Nevertheless, I continued my prayers, du3as, and constant night prayers (salaat allayl). I came back and called the father during spring and he completely rejected me and told me to never call again, he also went to the daughter and changed her number, told her that he doesn't want anything to do with me, and if he figures out anything, she would be in trouble. To make matters worse, he even decided to find a man for her, and he was quick about it. She rejected the men he told her about, and during this time we didn't talk (almost 2 months). Finally, he called me and told me suddenly that he is sorry and that he had to tell me something.

I went to see the father at a coffee shop, in where he told me that he was so sorry for his mistreatment. At this point I thought my prayers have been answered, and was really emotional while being around him. It wasn't until he told me something that has had me in deep depression since. The father told me that he was forcing his daughter into arranged marriage so that I wouldn't interfere in her life, and that they argued a lot at home and she even ran away to her cousin's house and slept there for a few days. She told him also that if you don't let me marry the man i want (me), I wont accept another man. He then threatened her and told her that I will put this man (Me) in jail for talking to you, and that she should better move on and become more "Wise". She told him "Ok". He then told me that she came home recently crying, crying her soul and was screaming in agony. When her parents asked her what happened she kept saying that its their fault, its their fault. Apparently, due to her parents rejecting me and forcing her into arranged marriage, and literally telling her that she will not marry me, the girl decided to chill around the wrong crowd at university, in where she met a man, or lets just say a "Wolf", who was Kuwaiti, and he told her that he is interested in her and all these lies. The girl being in depression, in denial, and angry, (Still not an excuse) decided to go out with this man to a nearby coffee shop, in where he locked the doors, drove off, parked somewhere, and tried to physically abuse her. Apparently, he almost went all the way, while beating her down till she was almost unconscious. Only thing we knew was he almost took her virginity, but he pretty much did everything else. He kicked her out of the car and drove off. She called her dad and went right to the police station, and it turns out that the man was not in university but only visiting. The cops are still under investigation.

At this moment, I was speechless, hurt, and seriously pouring tears without saying a single word. The father was also tearing. He told me to please come and see his daughter. I went over and I just remember arguing with her, angry: Why did you do that? Where is your faith? Where is your fear of God? What happened? How could you even get into a car with a man you meet a week ago? WHY?!! The father calmed me down but I ignored what had happened to her or being there for her, as I was furious and sad. It is unlike her to do anything like this. She admitted her fault but also tried to blame the environment she was in lately, but that isn't a proper reason, no matter the situation. I decided to tell the father that I will need time to decide if I want to marry or not. Less than a month later, in Ramadhan 2017, I took a journey to Karbala, followed by Mecca and Madina. I was in deep prayers about the situation and it seriously affected me while I was on the journey. I felt intense feeling of betrayal, hate, rage, and ground bottom depression.I had 2 voices in my head, one telling me to be strong and forgive, while the other telling me to move on and that the relationship was cursed due to your haram actions of talking to her for years prior to meeting the father. 

When I got back, the father kept calling me and informing me that the girl has been in full repentance and prayers, her face has become lightened, and she changed completely; not only has she gone back to her good ways, but she has become way stronger in faith. He even mentions that he doesnt recognize his daughter anymore, that she has become to what he explained as the light of his house. I believed him because I know the feeling of a sinner when they truly repent. Allah is ever merciful, ever forgiving, and compassionate to all of us. She got back to university in September and all I heard from certain male friends that I know is that she is constantly at the prayer room between classes, while only goes to class and back home.

Since September I haven't heard anything about her and I felt that I moved on, although when remembering the situation I still felt angry and sad, I kept my head high and focused on my work life. It wasn't until recently. Last Tuesday, while at work, I had one of my students tell me that she has a sister named the same name as my ex. This random saying suddenly happened to bring about an intense feeling and a flash of memories, even she the girl has been seriously off my mind. I started to notice that I suddenly became tired and sat down. Although I was constantly asking God to pardon my thoughts, forgive, and heal me at the moment, the emotions came more intense, and this time it wasn't rage, it was remembering what I loved about the woman. I was trying to convince myself that I am done with her, while claiming that these thoughts are from my waswas or a devil, I wasn't able to win. I realized I still cared for her, and felt like I had finally forgiven her for what she did. I didn't know if this was a sign that I could move on in peace, or a sign to call her dad and make the marriage happen. Still, I was shocked at my own feelings for being this way, and so suddenly at this moment while working. Surprisingly, her father called me, and informed me that his daughter has been constantly asking Allah for me to forgive her, and to find it in my heart to accept her, that she is a changed woman, a better woman than ever, and to at least remove the bad image I had of her. This call shocked me because what I felt earlier wasn't normal at all. Could her prayers been answered? 

Now my problem is this: I don't know if I should continue with her in marriage or not. Do i have feelings? Yes, I do. They aren't as strong as they were, but its still there, and although I am fully over what happened, its still judging my decision. I know if I get back with her, it would be beautiful for her relationship with Allah, and will definitely strengthen it; for she has been in repentance and is praying that Allah forgives her and changes my heart.

What are some hadiths on this issue? About cheating, forgiving someone? What would you believe is best in Allah's eyes for me to do? At the end, I want to please Allah over anything. I did an estekhara about whether I should marry her or not, while at Karbala when I was there, and it turned out to be "Jayed" or "Sadeqa". My heart is neutral about this, its not against her and not with her, I really just want to please my creator after these sins. This issue has been a chaotic and emotional roller coaster.

What would you do?

 

Some of your tags don't fit. Particularly the tags of Adultery, infidelity, and cheating since the woman in question was only guilty of potential fornication and improper gender interactions. 

[Ashvazdanghe]

for avoiding black magic we can find many way in duas.org

[Zaho]

Salam alaikom everyone

salam brother @Sword of God

In my opinion,this issue can't be solved by emotions and romantic feelings..it's a whole life issue,think about reasonibaly..

i can see that this girl solved her Love problem with her dad by disobeying,and this be haram in islam..anyone must respect his parents and obey them in everything unless they asked u for unfaith..u cant just yell at ur dad coz he cares for u and more than that,leave the house and feel depressed and make sins!! life is full of problems especially marriage life,do we solve that way?? 

u have to look for a woman who fears God and well raised coz u r going to have kids and grand children and a whole community just of u..how they will be raised?? 

ask ur self if that girl is a really faithfull woman right now not just in praying and fasting and whatever.

imagine u married her,and married another woman,if her faith is not that strong,is she going to face this problem by leaving her house and children?!! 

 

also u have to have patience in this issue,although she made mistakes,but Allah always forgives us for our sins,so have a little patience and examine her faith and u have to ask urself a quest,if u did and married her,do u garantee ur sefl not to think about ur both pasts? especially in ur firsr couple of months when u be in the same house..

this matter doenst need estakhara,in the firsr place it needs logic thinking and also u can ask Imam Zaman who cares for our problems to help u to take the right decesion ..

God be with u and  i ask him to enlighten ur way to take the right decesion thar satisfies Allah

[Zaho]

sorry for grammer mistakes up there

[rkazmi33]

I am sorry I suggested black magic. I don't have enough evidence and I jumped to conclusion. 

[Zaho]

Salam alaikom everyone

salam brother @Sword of God

In my opinion,this issue can't be solved by emotions and romantic feelings..it's a whole life issue,think about reasonibaly..

i can see that this girl solved her Love problem with her dad by disobeying,and this be haram in islam..anyone must respect his parents and obey them in everything unless they asked u for unfaith..u cant just yell at ur dad coz he cares for u and more than that,leave the house and feel depressed and make sins!! life is full of problems especially marriage life,do we solve that way?? 

u have to look for a woman who fears God and well raised coz u r going to have kids and grand children and a whole community just of u..how they will be raised?? 

ask ur self if that girl is a really faithfull woman right now not just in praying and fasting and whatever.

imagine u married her,and married another woman,if her faith is not that strong,is she going to face this problem by leaving her house and children?!! 

 

also u have to have patience in this issue,although she made mistakes,but Allah always forgives us for our sins,so have a little patience and examine her faith and u have to ask urself a quest,if u did and married her,do u garantee ur sefl not to think about ur both pasts? especially in ur first couple of months when u be in the same house..

this matter doenst need estakhara,in the firsr place it needs logic thinking and also u can ask Imam Zaman who cares for our problems to help u to take the right decession ..

God be with u and  i ask him to enlighten ur way to take the right decession thar satisfies Allah

 

 

[VirtueNeverDies]

Honestly, all of us sin and make mistakes. Being able to forgive someone really shows a sign of maturity and integrity. The woman you speak of sounds like she has changed. Wallah we all have been there when it comes to emotions such as love. That feeling where your heart throbs when you remember the person whom you love. I'll be 100% honest habibi, I have been through similar instances and I forgave those people within a few days. It is better to forgive then to keep pondering over it as you will never let it go. If she has truly changed for the better than I say give her a second chance. Like all of us we need second chances and who better to give us that second chance than Allah? He accepted her repentance and now it is time for you to do the same. 

I hope this helped brother.

[YAli]

Brother I think you should forgive, completely try and forget the past, and marry her. Go to pilgrimage with her, and make a happy family. 

Seriously... Just do it! Don't waste time! I'm sure her father will be a big support for you

May Allah bless you. 

Edited December 8, 2017 by YAli

[monad]

What is the purpose of this long winded story?, apart from venting your emotions. Bad things happen, but what is comical is the the fantasies that you both had broke down when problems arose in life. The only thing left is to claim religious superiority to inundate the filth of human emotions. Every person is at fault in this story, each person had a personal motive, and it broke down when the motives were not inline with reality. A person nearly got raped and you are more concerned about you?. The only lesson we can all learn from this is, that in bad times,  emotions become erratic and violent. Rationality is thrown out the window .

You still have not given the real motive for not wanting to marry her?.

That in bad times she became erratic?, and thus you fear that when you both are married, she may do something erratic as such. If that is the fear walk away. This has nothing to do with what Allah wants for you. Its either yes or no. Both come with a price, with any man or woman.

You want hadith? Read them your self?. There are 50,000 of them.

[Miss Wonderful]

Ya enhar eswad? Eh deh ya walad masri? Wallah its up to you. I think you are having issues with this cuz of how the father approached you. He made you feel like your a Plan B birth control pill. He knew ur intention was pure from the beginning otherwise he wouldnt have come back to ask you for marriage. But in the beginning he was after the $$$$$$. Now that his daughter got into this unfortunate situation he need someone to cover the tracks so he went back to you. So you feel like ur less of the man. Thats the real issue. You have to try and get over this obstacle and see if u can. Otherwise u wont be happy in marriage. Keda keda?

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

What happened brother?  Did you go ahead and ask for her hand?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah