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Syeda19

Deceived into a polygamous marriage

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On 9/26/2017 at 10:58 AM, Syeda19 said:

Salam brothers and sisters. I come from a family and society (being raised in the west) when a man only has one wife, in fact I have never in my life met or heard of anyone with more than one wife. I met a "divorced" childless man online on a Shia matrimonial website a few years ago. We lived in two different countries. He seemed to be the perfect man. After about 9 months of speaking on the phone and facetiming, and him coming once to meet me in person, he told me he had two kids. I was in shock. He said he never told me before because he was afraid he would lose me. By this time I had developed very strong feelings for him and could not let him go. About 3 months later he met my family and told everyone that he wants to marry me and he's paid his wife's haq mehr and all but is yet to do the sharia talaq. He also said he has no contact with her at all and that he sees his children at his relative's house. I fully trusted him (foolish of me, yes I know.) My father put his foot down and said that this marriage will absolutely not happen if he is still married and that if he cannot get divorced, he should go and live happily with his wife or atleast sacrifice everything for his kids and stay with them. Another year passed by and we were getting ready to get married. He said he has divorced her but will not show the certificate to anyone as that would mean that no one trusts his words. I trusted him, convinced my parents and we got married. He returned to his respective country and we filed for his immigration to come to me. 

After about two months of marriage I found out he is still married to his first wife. He told me that the marriage is just on the papers and he has nothing to do with her, it is only for the sake of the children and because of a lot of family pressure as she is his first cousin. I accepted his words and was at peace that he has no contact with her. I found it very odd though and questioned him many times because they have children together that they must meet amicably for the kids but he said no, they don't see each other at all. We met up again for our one year wedding anniversary and two weeks after he got back home I got a call from his phone. It was his wife.

One year has passed since that phone call and this past one year of my life has been hell. I have developed anxiety, depression, and maybe even bipolar disorder. I don't trust him at all in any way and I don't know how our marriage will survive without trust. His wife kicked him out that very day and he's been living with his brother ever since (but again I have no proof other than his words.) He even got his spouse visa and came to me but then returned home saying we will have a better life there and that he cannot leave his children. He is currently preparing everything over there for my arrival. I'm sure he's not living with her as we'll be living together once I'm there and no one just leaves his happy home in a second in moves in with someone else. It takes time of separation before someone starts living with someone else.

My issue now is that he says that he can never divorce her for the sake of his kids. He said that I should be happy that he will be living with me but he will always be there for her and his kids whenever they need him and he will always do his duties every weekend like take her grocery shopping and all (she doesn't drive.) He will spend time with them and I will never be allowed to be there. He will take them out to places and spend alone time with them. He will give me Saturday and them Sunday. 

I don't have any issues with him spending time with his kids, I just can't stand that she's there too and that he spends time with her. I simply cannot share my husband and feel that I will completely lose my sanity. At the same time I do not want to be divorced! Please advise, thank you.

First of all the heading of your post is totally misleading. No one has deceited you except you did your ownself. Despite knowing that man is married and 2 children you still developed your relation. What's wrong with you? You should truly seek forgiveness from Allah swt for intentionally destroying home of some other woman. You and your evilish decisions were driven and probably still being driven by negative emotions. What you have done is forbidden not only in our religion but I would highly reccomend you to take some lessons of morality too. 

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On 29/10/2017 at 3:16 AM, Sisterfatima1 said:

He can divorce her he just does not want to 

it’s simple 

How can you say that? Do you even realize what are you suggesting? Just put yourself in that woman shoes. How would you feel if someone divorce you and go for someone else? I'm sure that is not something you will ever wish. 

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On 9/26/2017 at 4:06 PM, Syeda19 said:

This man who I am married to now says he's done the biggest favour of my life to me by marrying a divorced woman with kids because no one else in this world would have. My family hates him for saying this to me and they always encourage me and tell me that there's someone amazing out there for me, I'm not even 30 yet! 

All that you said in your first post could be put down to him being weak and stuck between a rock and a hard place etc

However, someone who actually says things like this - whether it is true or not is another issue - but to actually use this as an argument is a bit of a scumbag thing to do.

This is low level, unsophisticated emotional blackmail.

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

How so?

How so??? Since when Islam has permitted to make such decisions that are intended to harm others directly or indirectly?

The woman (or I better call her a girl as per her id syeda19) in discussion clearly knows that the man she married to was already married and has 2 children. Now on one side she claims she is totally in love with that man but on the other hand she is not willing to accept him despite his all faults plus his past. If you were really able to read in between the lines like I do, you would know this is purely a case of jealousy and personal envy plus some psych disorders. Anyhow all these signs and the people suffering with them to such an extent causing others harm, are not very much respected in Islam. One more thing for your 'KIND' information, Islam is a complete religion and in Islam we have both spirtual and ethical laws. The moral values should be based on ethics taught to us in our religion not based while riding an emotional roller coaster. But of course as a human we sometimes fell in devils trap and fell into haram acts or perform sins. Then again it depends if those sins are personal acts or are they causing any harm to other fellow human beings? In this case I see this 19 year old girl (I might b wrong about her age) being more ehically wrong from the begining of her story. Now why she is blaming others for her tragedy? no one forced her, in fact she forced her parents to marry such a despicable man.

And now before sending me anymore annoying messages kindly read this beautiful article which I truly hope would help you knowing what I am talking about. Thanks.

https://www.al-islam.org/islam-faith-practice-history-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/lesson-25-islams-spiritual-program-1

Edited by John Romerro

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2 hours ago, John Romerro said:

And now before sending me anymore annoying messages

The rest of your incoherent outburst aside when have I sent you any messages? :ko::dry:

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38 minutes ago, starlight said:

The rest of your incoherent outburst aside when have I sent you any messages? :ko::dry:

Incoherent outburst? Lol! This remind me of those young children and even adults who start to cry when they find out that santa claus isn't real and it was their own dad/uncle or a neighbor in a red costume with a fake white beard. Lol!!!

Anyhow I accept my mistake. I mistakenly wrote message instead the word 'reply'. But you see it doesn't matter, still you replied me even without reading that article I sent you just to show my one word mistake. 

Edited by John Romerro

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On 11/9/2017 at 9:32 PM, John Romerro said:

without reading that article I sent you just to show my one word mistake. 

Jumping to conclusions, are you?  

There was nothing worth responding in your post.

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On 11/10/2017 at 12:34 AM, starlight said:

There was nothing worth responding in your post.

Yeah Right! That's why you bother yourself replying to my post but doesn't know what to say? But it's ok. That stuff is too heavy for you.

Anyhow you remind me those kind of guys who start  to imagine themselves Bruce Lee immediately after watching any of his movies. All they do is to brag about themself that how they can create magic kicks like Bruce but as soon as some tough situation comes his friends find him no where. So nothing more I can say about you. Take kare!

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On 11/10/2017 at 2:01 AM, John Romerro said:

Yeah Right! That's why you bother yourself replying to my post but doesn't know what to say? But it's ok. That stuff is too heavy for you.

Anyhow you remind me those kind of guys who start  to imagine themselves Bruce Lee immediately after watching any of his movies. All they do is to brag about themself that how they can create magic kicks like Bruce but as soon as some tough situation comes his friends find him no where. So nothing more I can say about you. Take kare!

Yeah. You are right. Certainly too 'heavy' a situation for me to deal with. Btw even after multiple posts you still haven't been able to prove what she did is forbidden in our religion, but I will spare you the embarrassment for there is no way you can prove polygamy isn't allowed in Islam. 

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On 9/27/2017 at 8:35 PM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Kids will never get stability from a father that lies to their mother.

They would never get it from seeing their parent divorce a couple of times either. A broken home is 10000 worse for the kids if kids is what you are worried about. 

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