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In the Name of God بسم الله

Engaged but long distance

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lilibolt

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AssalamuAlaikum, 

I hope you are doing well. I have am question regarding a very sensitive issue. I was engaged 2 years ago (engaged meaning the parents of the guy and my parents met and agreed on Marriage later on) 2 years ago during all this I have expressed very clearly to my parents that I wanted to marry and delaying it is not a good option, at that time no one listened to me. I being the girl have been expressing this over and over again for the past two years.

The boy have the same view and would like to get married but is afraid to discuss it openly with his parents as they are very cultural and would like him to finish his studies first. He also had an issue where for the past 2 years his mother was stuck in the Middle East due to some documentation problems, which became an excuse for his parents not to talk about marriage until his mother could come to Europe. 

We both are now 23, he lives in the UK and I in Belgium and have not seen each other since the formal meeting (2 years ago).  He is also not financially stable at all, He just earns enough to feed himself, which became another reason for him to delay. 

Being born and brought up in a western world this long distance is effecting me a lot psychologically, I do know it is affecting him as well but he does not express it because of his parents. I have expressed the frustration to him and to my parents but no one is willing to do anything. I have now moved to another country alone for my masters and it has become harder.

 I have done everything in my power to eliminate the distance, even though expressing the willingness to marry like that for a girl is a little frowned upon. I have done so so far purely on Islamic grounds; wanting an early marriage, a small simple nikkah and very minimal Mehr. This would allow us to meet at least on school holidays or vacations and this was literally all I wanted.

Should I terminate this engagement? Was I wrong to still ask for marriage even if the guy's mother was in the Middle East or because he does not have enough money?

 I now feel I should have not agreed to him 2 years ago. All this has created a small grudge.

 Even if I genuinely and honestly try to forgive or try not to blame him, for the psychological distress it is causing and has caused for the past 2 years, I can’t. I am worried that eventually if we marry this will affect our marriage life. A guy that could not take a strong Islamic stand on such a vital issue, what if after marriage another problem comes up where the choice is cultural parents or Islam?

Please advice.

Wassalam

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Salam, 

Since your and his parents agreed to the marriage after 2 years and now that 2 years have passed are there talks of marriage ? 

Two years is a very long time for an engagement. If he is isn't willing to even discuss this with his parents then either he agrees with them about delaying the marriage, or is too weak and immature to take a stand.  

Is he still studying? How does he plan to fulfill the financial responsibilities once you guys are married and living together full time? 

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If you are happy with him other than this, it's not unrecoverable. Have you told him all that you've shared with us and he still doesn't listen? 

Talk with him and make a plan: figure out how the two of you will live as a couple. You're each fine now so there's no reason to think you wouldn't be able to continue together. Then go together to your parents and his parents. Hopefully he will agree to this. If his parents are stubborn, note that a man doesn't need consent of his parents to marry.

Unfortunately, if he won't consider your needs now, you shouldn't assume that he will after marriage. 

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On 9/26/2017 at 2:49 PM, lilibolt said:

Please advice.

Take your parents with you (even if it requires a little force/push) and strike up a conversation with the guy's family. If they don't agree upon a marriage any time soon... well then it's up to you to make the final decision; whether to stay in this situation or to terminate the engagement.

Jazak Allahu Khayr.
Zavon.

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I would say that this depends on the people involved, but I do understand what you are going through, because believe me, I know it's hard being long distance and wanting to be married and I'm in a LDR right now with plans to get married. 

I believe that after a certain point, waiting becomes too much and almost intolerable and you need to communicate that to him. If he refuses to step up and take a stand for his future with you, then I would question his character. 

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