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Guest Asuleman

Shia wants to convince parents to marry sunni male

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Guest Asuleman

Salaam Alaykum all, may this message find you well.

I am a Shia female that belongs to a very respectful family alhamdullilah. However during my journey at University I came across a Sunni male. We want to get married.

We are aware of the challenges this may pose and have in fact spoken about it before because we do not want any problems to arise after marriage especially with our kids. It will take a lot of compromises though but most aspects of Shiaism are not a problem for him.

As you have figured from the title, I have already approached my parents and all I have received is a no. I was expecting this, however I do think persistence may pay off. Do not get me wrong, I do not want to engage in anything haram nor do I want to compromise with my Aqidah. I have discussed with the man I wish to marry that I strongly believe Ali should have come first and I have immense love for the ahlulbayt. my parents do not see it that way and are afraid of what the community will think and think my faith will fade and I will divert to the wrong path. I do not want to make my parents unhappy or do the wrong thing but I am willing to learn about both sides for my own sake so that my faith is not merely inherited. Although from what I do know I am convinced I am on the right path but I do acknowledge that we are all muslims at the end of the day and the ummah really needs to unite at this point in time.

Also, when my father refused I asked for him to do an Istikhara for my own reassurance and he refused because as my wali he does not accept the person I wish to marry. Is it true that the wali is the one that should take an istikhara or can I do it myself? Also, do you think I should?

Finally, I am an Agha Sistani follower who says that if there's a chance of being misled, marrying a Sunni is not permissible. However as I mentioned earlier most things we can agree to and I will continuously be practising my Shia faith.

In conclusion I would like some advice on how to approach my parents and get the to agree. Also if you are aware of the ways and ruling on istikhara. Please let me know.

Thank you

Jazakallah

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Your father said no, that's the end of it, respect his decision. The deficiencies in his religion are a compelling reason to reject him. You should stop talking to him if you haven't already.

It breaks my heart every time a young shi'i woman comes onto this site asking for advice on how to convince her father to let her marry somebody who rejects the Ahlulbayt, and follows their enemies. It's almost always the same script. They'll bring the same details of him being pure hearted and having great akhlaq, and how he's "researching" the topics of dispute between us and them, and how he will hopefully convert in the future. Even if he doesn't, he's "okay" with the kids being raised Shi'a. Reality check: he's a sunni. What does this mean? Either he's aware of the historical proofs that deconstruct the religion he's on, or he's not. If he's aware, he's blameworthy for rejecting the truth. If he's not aware, then he's a grown adult who does not care to discern truth from falsehood. Why on earth do you girls want to marry men like this? It's baffling.

 

Disclaimer: This is not to say that I hate Sunnis, no, they are muslims by shari'a, and I have several sunni friends. I would discourage anybody from hating them, but marriage is a completely different story, frankly our differences can't be ignored on this level.

Edited by IbnMariam

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2 hours ago, Guest Asuleman said:

Also, when my father refused I asked for him to do an Istikhara for my own reassurance and he refused because as my wali he does not accept the person I wish to marry. Is it true that the wali is the one that should take an istikhara or can I do it myself? Also, do you think I should?

Salam, Sister. Why do you want to oppose your father and mother? When a man and woman get married, they are not just marrying themselves, their family members become related by marriage. The husband's parents should become the friends of the wife's parents. You are not just pushing your parents to let you marry a Sunni, you are pushing them to become friends with people they don't want to be friends with.

Do not do istikhara yourself. It won't help you. If you think the Istikhara is good, will you marry the Sunni without your father's permission? People will backbite you and say you left Islam, then they will backbite your parents and say they were bad people, look what happened to their daughter. You are not thinking properly. 

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You say you will remain a Shi'a but will your kids too? Kids usually follow their father's faith, and if they turn out to be Sunni then you have definitely sinned because you are the one responsible for your kids following the wrong faith. Your father also said no, which means it's haram to get married to the Sunni unless your father changes his mind. If you violate your father's decision, then according to Sayed Sistani your marriage won't be valid and your kids will be illegitimate children (sons of zina).

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Guest Batoul

Salam,

Maybe you should consider finding your own convictions in faith before engaging in marriage. Questioning is a good thing because i believe tou should endevour to find the truth, though its not as simple as saying it, considering where you get your information and other things. But you should love your religion not just because you werw born into it. 

Marriage is not some small thing it will effect all of your life, and the lives of your children have you considered the children. It will influence your religion even if you dont think it will. if you dont have strong faith and conviction before and your husband does not have the same actions as you for example as simple as how to do wudu or what you can eat, there are some difference and im all for unity of the muslims but you should be realistic about whether or not it will influence your life. 

In my mind i would be thinking not how to convince your parents but how to convince the one you want to marry that the ahlulbayt is the right path. To me that is the logical but maybe that is something you need to discover for yourself first

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1 hour ago, Hassan- said:

ni unless your father changes his mind. If you violate your father's decision, then according to Sayed Sistani your marriage won't be valid and your kids will be illegitimate children (sons of zina).

I don't quite understand this. 

Hypothetically, let's say one's father is against you getting married, so if you attempt to change your wali to a grandfather or an uncle who says yes to the marriage, will it still be illegitimate? 

And there are some fathers who won't let them get married no matter what the reason. What then? 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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41 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

 

And there are some fathers who won't let them get married no matter what the reason. What then? 

If he says no for an unislamic reason then you can still marry him, but in this case he has a good Islamic reason. 

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7 hours ago, Guest Asuleman said:

Salaam Alaykum all, may this message find you well.

It will take a lot of compromises though but most aspects of Shiaism are not a problem for him.

 

Salaam sister,

From a pure sharia perspective, you can marry a Sunni. But then you can't marry anyone your guardian ie your father does not approve off from a sharia perspective.

Several years ago, I was in somewhat of a similar situation so I understand what you are going through. Marriage is all about compromise. However, there is no compromise in deen. You say you and the guy are willing to compromise. Exactly what aspects of Shia Islam are you willing to give up? This is an absurd example but what if the guy offers to give up revering 2/4 caliphs but you have to give up believing in 6/12 Imams. This would be a compromise. Which 6 Imams will you compromise?

Since today was 3rd Muharram which is traditionally the day of Hz Hurr, I suggest you use him as a guide or reference? He had a choice of deen or dunya. He made the right but difficult choice. Inshallah I pray that you will as well.

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3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

And there are some fathers who won't let them get married no matter what the reason. What then? 

It all depends on the situation one is in. If the father is against his daughter marrying a certain person, but does not have a valid reason for opposing it and there is no other qualified man to marry his daughter, then his daughter is allowed to marry the person without her father's permission (this is according to Imam Khamenei). 

3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I don't quite understand this. 

Hypothetically, let's say one's father is against you getting married, so if you attempt to change your wali to a grandfather or an uncle who says yes to the marriage, will it still be illegitimate? 

The women cannot change her wali as long as the women's father is alive, conscious and able to differentiate what's right and wrong.

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On 9/24/2017 at 4:39 PM, Guest Asuleman said:

Also, when my father refused I asked for him to do an Istikhara for my own reassurance and he refused because as my wali he does not accept the person I wish to marry.

I vote for your father in this decision. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Long quote by the OP was shortened.

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She actually wants to know how to get her father to agree with her. She already mentioned she isn't here for advice on whether to marry him or not since she already made up her mind. 

As for Guest Asuleman, I don't think you'll mind answering me:

  • Do you believe your wish to be more important than your parents' respect?
  • How would you feel if your daughter left you for a man she fell in love with, after everything you did for her?
  • Do you really think your parents will choose someone bad for you?
  • Is your experience more than your own parents or do you think you're smarter than them in handling life-decisions?

If you've already made up your mind and you just want your father to agree for the sake of formality while also dismissing the rulings of your Marja, just go ahead and marry him. But if you face the same situation with your own daughter later on, don't forget to take the responsibility for it.

I find it funny how people now a days, especially girls, believe love to be more important than their parents' decisions and their respect. What happened to obedience to parents? I always thought girls are more understanding of their parents' decisions but things have started to change. Sad!

You won't get the advice you're looking for here. Your only option for your father's approval would be hypnosis.

Edited by Shian e Ali

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On 9/24/2017 at 4:39 PM, Guest Asuleman said:

Also, when my father refused I asked for him to do an Istikhara for my own reassurance and he refused because as my wali he does not accept the person I wish to marry.

If Marja permitts marriage with sunni you can do. But you need consent of wali. 

I do not think marrying a sunni will compromise your religion as long your belief in Immamah is perfect. 

One point important to discuss is whether the Sunni boy is lover of Ahlebayt as or a nasibi wahhaby.

If he is lover of Ahlebayt as and good andcharactered you can persuade your parents .

At end love is blind it won't surrender easily. Still consent of wali is mandatory. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Long quote by the OP was shortened.

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