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In the Name of God بسم الله
yazahra333

Trust in relationship

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dear community, 

I have been married for iver two years and have a one year old child. second is on its way. we had quite a struggle to build and maintain our live but Alhamdulillah we tried and Allah helped. I have a issue in my marriage that I would like to get advice for... from brothers and sisters inshallah. 

my husband always told me that beforme marriage he didnt had any girlfriend and relationships. I took his word. He comes from a modarate religious family and choose to follow his religion himself. he is good i reciting quran and knows quite a lot about Islam. 

a few months ago I founded out that he is texting an other women, who was non muslim and married! it was during Ramadan one day after Qadr night. He was expressing his affection for her and she was playing a hard to get game but in the same time loving the attention.  

it was quite devestating to see these messages and find out about this contact. 

I confronted my husband and he told it was just started a few days earlier and it was only texting. They were collegues and my husband helped them the women and her husband ( he knew both!) a few times with moving etc. 

My husband immidiatly admitted his mistake asked for forgiveness and told me serversl times that he was caught is the play and that it was all a play for him. he didnt mean the words he said he was just playing...and that he also was feeling lots if guilt from the beginning because of me and our child but that he was somehow deceived or shucked in this shaitanic game. 

I was broken, we spoked a lot, he could convince me that these things wouldnt happen again and I dince I am pregnant and have a small child deceided to keep our family together and stay with him also for the children. 

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap. I am scared it will repeat it self and doubt so many words he says. 

Our mobile phones have always been open without password and it was normal for both of us to use eachothers phones. after the whole incident I do have to commit that I looked in his phone more often that I was used to do just because to get this 'safe' feeling that he wasnt in contact anymore. 

since two weeks he started acting a bit weird again. he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content. In the same time he sometimes makes up where he had bee, not telling the truth. I know this fur shore since I know him very good. 

I want to aske your advice because I sm gettkng very much waswas, I am al the time thinking that he is with someone else. that he is again in contact with namahram women etc. 

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

dear community, 

.......................

Sister, I do understand you situation. I know its hard for you to trust him but give it some time. If he not doing anything you will start trusting him eventually. On the other hand if he acting shady and you think he is up to something I will say talk to him and keep an eye on him. Pretend that everything is normal and just keep an eye on him. May Allah guide him and protect your family.  

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19 minutes ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

Sister, I do understand you situation. .......................

Thanks for the reply. I am very happy to share this and open up about it.

By the way sorry all for the wrong spelling and typos I am dyslectic and had to write the topic in quite a rush. 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

Thanks for the reply. I am very happy to share this and open up about it.

And hey I know you have kid but make sure you don't ignore your husband. Talk to him and ask him if he has any issues or how could you help him.

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2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content.

Tell your husband you know he locks his phone now and it's because of what he did in the past. Tell him Allah knows what you do. Ask him to think about what would happen if he is in an accident and dies and his family will get his phone and they will unlock it to see who are the people he owes money to, then all things hidden will be revealed. 

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3 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

dear community, 

I have been married for iver two years and have a one year old child. second is on its way. we had quite a struggle to build and maintain our live but Alhamdulillah we tried and Allah helped. I have a issue in my marriage that I would like to get advice for... from brothers and sisters inshallah. 

my husband always told me that beforme marriage he didnt had any girlfriend and relationships. I took his word. He comes from a modarate religious family and choose to follow his religion himself. he is good i reciting quran and knows quite a lot about Islam. 

a few months ago I founded out that he is texting an other women, who was non muslim and married! it was during Ramadan one day after Qadr night. He was expressing his affection for her and she was playing a hard to get game but in the same time loving the attention.  

it was quite devestating to see these messages and find out about this contact. 

I confronted my husband and he told it was just started a few days earlier and it was only texting. They were collegues and my husband helped them the women and her husband ( he knew both!) a few times with moving etc. 

My husband immidiatly admitted his mistake asked for forgiveness and told me serversl times that he was caught is the play and that it was all a play for him. he didnt mean the words he said he was just playing...and that he also was feeling lots if guilt from the beginning because of me and our child but that he was somehow deceived or shucked in this shaitanic game. 

I was broken, we spoked a lot, he could convince me that these things wouldnt happen again and I dince I am pregnant and have a small child deceided to keep our family together and stay with him also for the children. 

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap. I am scared it will repeat it self and doubt so many words he says. 

Our mobile phones have always been open without password and it was normal for both of us to use eachothers phones. after the whole incident I do have to commit that I looked in his phone more often that I was used to do just because to get this 'safe' feeling that he wasnt in contact anymore. 

since two weeks he started acting a bit weird again. he locked his phone because he says I was doing too much tajasus. but in the same time he is very nervous about where he puts his phone and the content. In the same time he sometimes makes up where he had bee, not telling the truth. I know this fur shore since I know him very good. 

I want to aske your advice because I sm gettkng very much waswas, I am al the time thinking that he is with someone else. that he is again in contact with namahram women etc. 

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

Salaam Alaykum

You need to think MORE about the relationship between you and your husband. Is there ANY expectation from him? Does he want you to do something for him? Keep him closer to yourself. Be kinder to him. Have more discussion with him. Ask for his opinion. Be more and more kind to him. Do whatever you can do to keep him away from that Haram contacts.

Be relaxed talk with your husband  and tell him your concerns. Tell him that you don't want to lose him with one little child and one baby in my womb. Talk MORE. Don't try to talk with your husband ONLY when you want to confront him. It's not the way relationship works. Tell him your concerns. Ask him how can you be the PERFECT girl that he wants.

Be sure that after sometime, he will be attracted to you. Inshaallah your problem will be solved.

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Salaam sister. Sorry you are going through this.

2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

Now a few months passed and we are living our life normally with its ups a downs but unfortunstly I cant trust him anymore. the trust base is completly shaked up. I still cant understand how He who was such a peacticing muslim fall i  such a trap.

No one falls into the trap of cheating. It is a conscious decision. I dont think it should be called a mistake either since one makes a conscious decision to cheat.

After having said that and not knowing the contents of the txt messages, it could just be work flirting. Not that this is a trivial thing but having an affair and flirting at work are quite different.

2 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

what can I do? 

how to deal with this situatiion ?

have you can some similar experience? 

So far, I think you have handled it well. Trust is very hard to re-gain once it is broken but it can be mended if both people try hard enough. There are people who break one's trust and then make the other person guilty for not trusting them. Then there are others who go to all lengths to prove they are trustworthy. Seems like your husband is in the former category.

I think you should have an open conversation with your husband that he broke your trust and it is up to him to re-gain it and if that means having unfettered access to his phone, then so be it.

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Thank you all for the useful advice, opinions and understanding. 

the betrayal is one thing but what makes the situation quite hard for me is the fact that he is used to not telling the truth. probely something from his childhood. he always says I dont lie but I dont tell the truth either. In the past months and maybe before that also but defiantly after the accident he is more and more protecting himself by this behaviour of not telling the truth. In practice this means that he goes out or comes home later as usual and makes a story up or just tell a little bit. 

I just can tell he is not telling the whole truth because I know him so long and because often the facts and real truths show themselves. 

I have asked him to please stop this and be honest but he says that he also does it for me because I may react oversensitive. 

this lack of trust and honesty is seriously a deep pain. it feels like the fundament if your life is unstabile. I am really looking for a way to transform this. 

what is helping me is looking at the things that He is doing good and the blessings Allah have given us in general. This has helped me to cope with it and go further day by day... I do see that he is offering sincere effort for our family( working, halal income, taking care) and that he is a good dad. 

I will reflect more on your writings thank you. 

If there are other issues that pop up your minds please do share. 

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1 hour ago, yazahra333 said:

If there are other issues that pop up your minds please do share. 

This has been a stressful time for you. Since you are pregnant again, please relax and read the Holy Qur'an and make dua. Ask Allah to give you patience. Your one year old child needs to know that you are pregnant and a baby is coming. Pay extra attention to the first born so that he/she won't be jealous of the newborn. If you relax and have pleasant conversations with your husband, perhaps he will reflect on his blessings and realize that his most pleasurable time is when he is at home with you and your child/children. Praying for you.

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Dear sister, there are a couple of ways to handle this, but to be sure that no spiritual or physical harm done to you, your husband, and your overall household, kindly do this:

1. Ask your husband to do one thing and one thing only as starters - ask him to whatever he is doing (do not probe him), make sure he does with in the boundaries of Islam. Meaning whatever he is up to, remind him to make sure it remains in halal bucket

2. If he does agree to #1, then you could jump on to some other wonderful advises given in this thread so far. 

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thank you brother. 

indeed the most heavy part of this experience was that I always say my husband with al his flaws as a good practicing muslim so to find out about this in the month Ramadan! was truly traumatic. Of corse all of us make mistakes and it is between him and Allah, I hope that his repantance gets accepted. 

One of the most sad parts of this whole story is that he stopped offering his prayers ever since that day I founded out.

He says he is not worthy and he is a kind of angry inside why his sin has been uncovered. 

because the day I found out my mother and a good friend if him where also present and they found out either because of my emotional reaction. 

It might had been better for me to be more discrete but honestly its easy to say but when you are in such a situation that you read all these words from your partner towards someone else one truly becomes mad for some time. 

I keep on asking him to offer his daily prayers again a lot

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