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In the Name of God بسم الله
yazahra333

Trust in relationship

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6 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

because the day I found out my mother and a good friend if him where also present and they found out either because of my emotional reaction. 

This^^^^ I read your thread yesterday and had been meaning to add a reply but got caught up with other stuff.This is the first thing that came to my mind and I was praying you wouldn't have told your or his family.

Husband and wife are 'garments' for each other and should cover each other's faults from the people. I wish you had controlled your emotions better then you did because you might be able to forgive,forget and move on but your mother and that friend never will. It would always be embarrassing for your husband to face them.Anyway, what's done is done. 

What he did was incredibly thoughtless and must have hurt you greatly.

I am going to give you some advice which you might not like(lots of things I say don't sit well with most of the sisters here,lol ) but I am giving it the best of intentions and with the experience that comes with facing the ups and downs in life. 

First of all,and this is a general principle that it applies to everything in life and not just this situation. The only person you have control over is yourself so if you want to change a situation the only thing you can work on is yourself.  Stop trying to change your husband,there are chances he might change(and I will do dua for you) but that change would come indirectly through you. By saying this I am not implying that you are a bad wife to him or you did anything wrong, but there is always room for improvement and what I said earlier that the only person you can change is yourself. 

First thing, you have to decide whether you want to be in this marriage or not. From your post I understand that you don't want to call it quits.

If you plan to continue it's necessary that you do it with the decision that you will forgive him and move on from this incident. This means no reminding of the husband of the incident. If you do this will only result you becoming a bitter person and the two of you drifting apart. If you feel there is some things you need to say to him regarding this have a polite discussion, tell him how much he hurt you but don't rub it in his face every time you have an disagreement. If you keep shaming and humiliating him it means you are not giving him a chance to make amends.

If you want to rebuild the trust in your relationship after this then you have to actually believe in him. Only you know what you need to start trusting him again. Do you want him to spend more time at home? Minimise work related socialising? Stop seeing the couple? While I know it won't easy for you to do but resist the urge to check his phone and go through his things in front of him or keep tabs on him all the time.Hypervigilance isn't a practice that will save you from future betrayal ,it will only serve to slowly turn you into an individual who is always on a global red alert and looking for lies not only in her husband but also her other relatives, friends etc. 

Mashallah, you have one baby with another one on the way (may Allah keep them both safe) is there a possibility that you have been so busy being a mother that you have been ignoring your husband's needs? Lots of women avoid being  intimate with their husbands while pregnant for various reasons - right or wrong.If you want to have a better relationship you must be willing to do some self reflection and admit any shortcomings you have.

Recite surah Naas and Surah falak regularly and ask Allah after every namaz to increase the love between you and your husband.

Edited by starlight

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thank you sister for the useful advice it really did me good. And it is totally right that these kind of issues are better to kept in secret between husband and wife I experienced this also myself but sometimes it is easier said than done. 

my main issue is not how to deal with the past, I know that I will forgive and move on. Not only for him but also for my kids and myself. 

my main issue is that I dont know how to deal with the fact that he is still lying... about where he is what he does etc. It would take too long too go in detail here but I know this a hunderd procent sure. 

how to convince him to be honest and open? or otherwise our love and trust which is really a   base in marriage is so damaged. it is already damaged, but how to prevent it from further damage? 

The intimacy is Alhamdulillah good. 

thank you for your duas I really need them thank you and also thanks for the suggestions of reading surat al Nass and Falaq. 

A dhikr that also ewlly helped me during difficult times is the Yunesiyah 

La illaha il Allah Subhanaka Inni kuntu minaz-Zalemin. 

Alhamdulillah it gave me mental stenght to cope with hard moments 

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On 9/21/2017 at 11:45 AM, yazahra333 said:

my main issue is that I dont know how to deal with the fact that he is still lying... about where he is what he does etc. It would take too long too go in detail here but I know this a hunderd procent sure. 

Sis, I told you earlier. You have to make the decision whether you want to continue the marriage or not, keeping in mind the fact that you cannot change or fix him. He might stop lying or cheating or he might continue. You have to decide keeping in mind the social, financial and emotional factors involved in a marriage and breakup. 

1. In case you decide you cannot put up with his lying then have a frank discussion with him. Tell him to clean up his act if wants the marriage to continue or you are leaving.

2. In case you want to be with him (for any reason financial,kids,you still love him, whatever) be prepared for certain things.

-This won't be an emotionally fulfilling relationship.

-In order to keep peace in the home for the sake of kids you will have to stop asking him about his whereabouts, stop questioning where he is spending his time basically ignore everything while still performing your duties as a wife.If you choose to stay with him because of the kids nagging and fighting will defeat the purpose. 

- As soon as you can, start working,make friends,  start a hobby, keep yourself busy with healthy activities, take active steps towards staying mentally strong and positive. 

- never bad mouth your husband in front of your kids and family, no matter how hurt you are.

 I know at least a dozen women with husbands like yours. There were women who after 20 + years of being in such circumstances have turned into emotional wrecks.They had neither the strength(or developed the skills) to survive in a situation like this (not blaming them) nor the ability to call it quits at the right time. They kept sinking deeper into a hole due to the constant cycle of fighting,accusing,spying and getting hurt.

Then there were others who lived with lying,cheating husbands and difficult as it was maintained both a pleasant disposition and a home environment for their family. They busied themselves with activities that helped them grow spiritually and socially.In my experience I have seen their husbands eventually returned to them.  

So,the choice is yours alone. Only you know your strengths,weaknesses ,your emotional capacity to deal with it,your financial circumstances,the social pressures.Don't rush, take your time,think calmly, ask Allah and Imam e Zamana  (as) for help in reaching the right decision. My duas for your happiness!! :)

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On 9/21/2017 at 12:44 PM, starlight said:

Then there were others who lived with lying,cheating husbands and difficult as it was maintained both a pleasant disposition and a home environment for their family. They busied themselves with activities that helped them grow spiritually and socially.In my experience I have seen their husbands eventually returned to them.  

I can attest to this. 

OP: try to be strong sis because cheating husbands tend to thrive on the weakness of their wives. It is unlikely that you will change him when you are in your current state. Instead, take care of yourself and make an effort to look attractive and vibrant. As starlight said, do whatever you need to do to lower yourself and calm down. That way you will be better equipped to confront whatever challenges arise moving forward in your relationship.  

My duas are with you. 

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thank you Pearl and Starlight. This thread Seriously made me happier and most if all it brought me lots of clarity. 

Alhamdulillah. 

I do strongly believe that Allah gives us different kinds of experiences and challenges in order to become better servants and stronger muslims. Inshallah this whole challenge in this marriage will make me a better muslim. 

I have given myself some time at least six months to one year and then I will be able to decide whether it is healthy and good to stay in this relation and marriage with all its issues or not. For now I indeed need to foccus on myself, the birth of our baby, my son, husband and the warmth at home. I do not want to become bittered or let his issues and shortcomings drain me. 

I do pray a lot for him and ask Allah to guide him and keep him close to Him. 

I hope that I will be able also to grow and be near to Allah as a Mother and Wife day by day. 

It is not easy but I have hope. 

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On 9/21/2017 at 9:44 AM, starlight said:

Sis, I told you earlier. You have to make the decision whether you want to continue the marriage or not, keeping in mind the fact that you cannot change or fix him. He might stop lying or cheating or he might continue. You have to decide keeping in mind the social, financial and emotional factors involved in a marriage and breakup. 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. 

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This thread is very sad.

Cheating for most people is a deal breaker in marriages and relationships. Staying with someone you can't trust because of what he has done may be futile and may eat away at you, especially if time goes on.

I knew someone who cheated on his wife with other woman, and in the end, he completely did not learn his lesson and still continued to do so years after. People who will have the willingness to cheat will almost never learn or change and the person does not respect your emotions. Sorry means only that he's sorry he got caught, not that he's truly sorry. If he was sorry, he would have never done this in the first place. 

It's up to you to stay or leave. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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Sometimes in these situations you have to be blunt about how ridiculous emotional infidelity and possibly even sexual infidelity is. 

Ask him this question, is he an ape or a human? He should know the answer to that. Then, ask him what moral system he professes to believe in, Law of the Jungle type of sexuality or Islamic views on sexuality. If he does not know what "Law of the Jungle sexuality" means, ask him do Apes believe in marriage? Ask him do Apes believe in lowering one's gaze? Ask him do Apes believe in growing a relationship between a male and female Ape or do Apes just move on from one ape to the other in an attempt to procreate and satisfy one's basest desires, both emotionally and physically? He should have no issue in answering these questions.

Then, once he has answered these questions. Tell him to come clean with what he is doing or ask to see his phone. Tell him that he stands nothing to lose by giving your phone over to him as if he was not cheating on you either emotionally or physically then tell him to keep the above questions in mind when trying to remember that he and you are not only humans, but human muslims and that we believe in a certain way of life to keep us distinct from becoming Ape-like. However, if in your best judgement you conclude that he does not want to hand over his phone to you, (I assume he has full access to your phone, online life, and social life) then propose to him a hypothetical situation wherein a husband is secretly emotionally or physically or both cheating on his wife in a haram way( I am not talking about taking another wife as there is a halal way to do that and that entails not necessarily asking your first wife for permission but making sure that such an endeavor of yours will not cause emotional pain for your first wife, or if it might regardless of your efforts then the possibility of divorce might come up as she too reserves the right to not live in a marriage that causes her emotional pain) Say Bob is cheating on Jill with Linda. Tell him in this scenario how is Bob any different from say an Ape that moves from one female ape to the next in an attempt to please his carnal desires and possibly seek out some primitive animal-like form of emotional comfort? Don't let your husband come up with a snide remark. Suppose he claims that with Bob and Jill it's different and that Jill is not satisfying Bob emotionally and physically despite Jill having to take care of children. You can rebuttal back by saying that Apes think the same way, whenever they procreate with a female and said female is busy taking care of the male Ape's offspring then the male Ape will sense she does not have enough time and energy to dedicate to his needs and the male Ape's animalistic mind will not hesitate for a second to find another female Ape for him to meet his needs. Ask him once again, to come clean with what he might or might not be doing, and tell him for God's sake he is a human being and tell him to act like one. He is not an ape, at least I hope. Even if it's true that in regards to these situations it takes two to tango, tell him as a human being and as a muslim his response to these situations should be obvious. 

Again, if it does turn out he is more innocent than you thought tell him the above is still good food for thought and that both you and him ought to keep the above in mind every time the allure of Adultery tempts your husband. 

If it turns out your husband is more sinful than you thought. Tell him that no excuse he can muster up can save him from judgement of this major sin he is doing. If he cared about the relationship he would take proactive steps to ensure a healthy marriage with you. If he was concerned about sexuality in the marriage he would have tried to go the more professional route and consulted a couple's therapist with a muslim background about your situation and asked for advice on how intimacy can be accommodated in this situation. In case people reading this are wondering there are ways to accommodate sexuality even during pregnancy that can give the same satisfaction under a normal situation. Or, he could have obviously been able to tell that the stress of pregnancy and taking care of a child may be causing a resistance in you to appease his desires, of course with him taking the necessary steps towards proper foreplay with you to help ease you into the situation. He should have then attempted to relieve some of these burdens whether it's him deciding to work at home, or deciding to help take care of the child, or even something as simple has frequently dropping the child off to his grandparent's home or your parent's home should they live near you, or drop the child off at a friend who does not mind taking care of children, or even dropping the child off at a daycare or nursery. Also, maybe he could have used various ideas and techniques to soothe the pain a woman feels during pregnancy. He could consult yet another medical specialist to ask on how this should be done. He could have done all of this or more and maintained your marriage. But he did not do any of this, and again nothing excuses him from the animalistic sin he has done. 

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On ‎9‎/‎21‎/‎2017 at 11:24 PM, Miss Wonderful said:

cut him from any affection. ...    If he wants affection he has the mahram woman to talk to. Until he  gets himself together and clean his act up- ...

with:

10 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

This thread is very sad.

Cheating for most people is a deal breaker in marriages and relationships. Staying with someone you can't trust because of what he has done may be futile and may eat away at you, especially ...

It's up to you to stay or leave. 

l'II add this --in a socially, SC kind of way:

This is also a Public Health lssue.

Know what l mean?

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Pessimist here:
If you stalk him and his phone too much he might buy another secret one.

Advice here:
Others gave it already.

Additional Advice:

1) Ask him what YOU can do for him to start praying again.

2) Don't forget to tell him how much you care about him and love him. Everyday, every night, more like: SPAM HIM!! (kidding)

3) POLITELY remind him of his Islamic obligations, and Islamic rulings and teachings when he does wrong every single time. And then forgive and forget.

4) Make rules like you'd make rules for your kids. Discuss with him how you wouldn't want him to stay out till late without a definite reason just like how he would expect from you.

5) Make yourself a better person and be patient. In Quran Allah says: And you say you believe and you won't be tested?

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It sounds like he enjoys getting some attention from other women, even if he does not mean to actually commit an infidelity, or engage in some kind of affair.

As others here have pointed out, is there anything you can do to improve the relationship? Is there something missing that he wants? Have you grown distant from each other? 

There is no guarantee that he will listen to reason and his faith, but when one is confronted with a large problem or crisis, the first thing he or she should do is figure out what can be done immediately, even if it is something small. Perhaps speak to someone at your mosque, or undertake marriage counseling?  

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Thank you all guys, it has been a very valuable experience to share this issue with you all and all the heart given advice and insight really helps me a lot. 

Personally I am doing much better thanks to you all.

May this Holy days of Muharram help us to come closer to the Ahlul Bayt and be guided by their nobility

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Salam Aleikum everyone,

More than a month passed and I wanted to give  update and ask you guys for some new advice...

our second child is born healty alhamdulillah and it is getting better. My husband did some effort to show us that he really cares about me and the kids and we had some talks. m

I can not say with complete certainity that he is completely open but it is better that before.  His cellphone is not locked anymore. he spends more time at home. 

I try not to be very suspicious and put my foccus on other things. 

what is still very difficult for me and I hope you can help me with this is that my heart is kind of broken, I thought I married my soulmate. I really married my husband out of love and because of his faith. 

but now after 2 years of marriage his behavioir is really not in line with Islam  and his personal practice is minimal. 

what did you guys do in periods where your love was getting lesser and less? 

I dont want to divorce because of the kids. but i do feel drained emotionally in this relation for now. 

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4 hours ago, yazahra333 said:

but now after 2 years of marriage his behavioir is really not in line with Islam  and his personal practice is minimal. 

what did you guys do in periods where your love was getting lesser and less? 

I dont want to divorce because of the kids. but i do feel drained emotionally in this relation for now. 

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. InShaAllah you do not suffer from postpartum depression, but please be careful to watch for signs of this. Do not make any hasty decision (such as divorce) while your hormones from pregnancy and childbirth are changing. Relax as much as possible and ask family and friends to come and see you. Let them help you do things around the house. Sister, I know you are still upset about your husband cheating. Ask him to help with the children. He should play with them and interact with them. Both of you should focus on your children. 

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