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molaayi_from_lahore

should i do Muta?

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17 hours ago, starlight said:

Salam, 

Welcome back to SC. 

Have you told your wife that you don't find her attractive anymore, so much that you are contemplating second marriage?

 

Thanks for the welcome. yes, not many times but sometimes I mention it to her that look at yourself, what have you been converted to in last 5 years. Find me a slim smart lady. bla bla bla and she becomes angry with me but I am ok with her being angry with me. It is in indo-pak culture.

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18 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

I am 31, physically fit and healthy person (hint:6 packs), athletic body and , alhmadulillah a high above-average income. I am married for last 5 years. I want to do Muta for the below reasons:

1- very high sex drive

2- my wife has become very fat. at the time of our marriage she was 46 kilograms and now she is 88 KG. imagine my situation... the attraction is ENDED totally

3- My wife has some psychological issues as well due to which there are a lot of troubles.

4- many pretty girls keep proposing me and flirting with me due to my good looks and a good social status.

If i do Muta with someone and we feel compatible enough for each other I can convert it into a permanent one.

what are your thoughts and suggestions for me. Please do not recommend fasting. I know that already.

YOUR wife has psychological issues?????  really???

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13 hours ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Salaam Alaykum

Brother, whatever you do, keep your children peaceful environment in priority. That is crucial, then you can think about yourself and your wife.

There is two sides here. One side is your wife that doesn't understand your needs apparently, and another one is you that you are not interested in her for reason of getting fat. If she is chubby now, she got chubby in her life with you. When she was attractive, she decided to be with you. Mutah and second marriage are absolutely your right, but wife can also ask for money for milking children and doing chores. If you want to open a door for yourself, open a door for her too. Avoid doing divorce with her for this reason. Rasu-ul-llah said:" Jebreil recommended me so much to respect women's rights. I thought it is Haram to divorce them". Talk with her more. Try to convince her that you have your needs. BTW, I am very serious and formal in my social relations that I never let random girls come to me and propose.

Inshaallah your problem would be solved

My children's peaceful future is my first priority, like every human being, that is why I am not and I cannot divorce her.

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13 hours ago, Haydura77 said:

Although I find this brother's stance on his wife a bit extreme, I do partially symphatise with him. Some wifes don't look after themselves by gaining weight and ignoring their husband's urges for an intimate relationship and sex. What is the point of marriage if a wife becomes obese and she doesn't bother about her husband when he asks her to look good when he comes back from work. I am sure that husbands strongly advise their wives to exercise (and support them e g. by driving them to the gym)  but if they refuse to do so, what is the alternative?!

I would appreciate rational answers rather than emotional and defensive response to my comments. 

Respect for you brother! At least one person understands it.

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13 hours ago, Hassan- said:

To do Mut'a with non-Muslims while you are married to a Muslim women is impermissible to some maraji' (Sayed Sistani is one of them), and some maraji' (Sayed Khoei is one of them) allow it only with the permission of the wife.

is there any marja who allows it completely (without permission of the first wife)

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12 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

He is not planning to divorce her and in his culture, men abuse their wives by not giving divorce when their wives want divorce due to verbal, psychological and physical abuse. I am not trying to attack you, but the hadith you quoted might be for old times or for a culture in which men were not cunning and they were quick to divorce. Keeping a woman in an abusive marriage IS abuse. He is psychologically and verbally abusing her but he will not divorce her. I can assure you. 

Dear Kazmi, you are partly right. i will never divorce her, even she asks for it I will try to avoid as much as possible but just for my children, not for abusing her. I never verbally abused her. I always talk to her and behave with her in very polite and humble manner. I give her proper money every month, more than a typical average-income house wife can dream of. I am assuming here that you don't mean reminding her about her bad shape is abusing.

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8 hours ago, Fakeha said:

Lahore,Pakistan??

Put yourself in your wife's place and think as the lady whose husband is trying to involve in someone else...??

You have options in shariyah but if you marry another then you must be just with both of them(in all means)..

And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].

An-Nisa

4

Why should I put myself in my wife's place. And why should I tell her? Women are emotionally pumped up in such situations and they won't easily allow their husbands to be shared with another woman. But men on the other hand are genetically programmed so that they are and can be at ease in romancing more than one woman. It is true and a fact. Allah the creator knows that.

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11 hours ago, Marbles said:

You did not say if you have kids. Or does that not matter?

10 minutes ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

doesn't matter

3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

....but you sound like a jerk.

 

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19 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

want to do Muta for the below reasons:

1- very high sex drive

Do you consider yourself "Aadil"? If you willing to do temporary or permanent marriage you need to be just. 

For your reason # 1, I would like to ask you that have you not learned to control "hawa e nafs"? 

Surah An-Naziat, Verse 40:

وَأَمَّا مَنْ خَافَ مَقَامَ رَبِّهِ وَنَهَى النَّفْسَ عَنِ الْهَوَىٰ

And as for him who fears to stand in the presence of his Lord and forbids the soul from low desires,

(English - Shakir)

19 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

2- my wife has become very fat. at the time of our marriage she was 46 kilograms and now she is 88 KG. imagine my situation... the attraction is ENDED totally

3- My wife has some psychological issues as well due to which there are a lot of troubles.

4- many pretty girls keep proposing me and flirting with me due to my good looks and a good social status.

2. Are you sure that your new wife will remain slim forever?

3. You knew she has psychological issues, have you tried to find out their causes & tried to give her the treatment?

4. This explains your hawa e nafs.

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40 kgs in 5 years is a LOT! Get her thyroid ,adrenal , blood glucose and lipid levels checked. 

Since you are well off buy her some good exercise equipment that she can use at home.This sounds like morbid obesity. Intimacy issues aside you should be concerned about the health of the mother of your kids. 

Edited by starlight

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10 minutes ago, MohammadAli1993 said:

Can you provide any evidence that there is no need for it? 

2401. A man cannot marry the niece (brother's or sister's daughter) of his wife without her permission. But if he marries his nieces without his wife's permission, and she later consents to the marriage, it will be in order.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2348/

According to Sistani permission is requiref in only this case. Either this ^^ or the wife stipulates in the marriage contract that the husband will not take another wife but even that comes with conditions 

The rulings (fatāwāh) of the respected marāje‘, regarding whether the first wife can stipulate the condition that for the second marriage permission from the [first] wife is necessary, or stipulate the condition that in the case of remarriage, the wife possesses power of attorney (wakalah) for and can carry out the divorce herself, are:

Imam Khomeini, Ayatollah Bahjat, Khamenei, Fadhil, Makarim and Nuri say:
No, this condition is not valid or binding, unless there is a condition that: "the wife has power of attorney from the husband, that if the husband remarries, she can carry out divorce”, this is valid. (Imam Khomeini, Istafta’at, Vol. 3, Section on rules of marriage, Q. 55. Ayatollah Makarim Shirazi, Istafta’at, Vol. 2, p. 907. Ayatollah Khamenei, Istaftā’, Q. 7.  Ayatollah Fazel, Jama‘ al-Masā’il, Vol. 1, p. 1533.  Ayatollah Noori, Istafta’at, Vol. 2, p. 637 and Ayatollah Bahjat, Tūḍīḥ al-Masā’il, Q. 2534. 

Ayatollahs Tabrizi, Sistani and Safi say:

Yes, this condition is valid and binding, and if after the marriage, the husband does not act upon this condition and remarries, then he has committed a sin.  (Ayatollah Sistani, Minhāj al-Sālehīn, Vol. 2, Q. 333.  Ayatollah Tabrizi, Minhāj al-Sālehīn, Vol. 2, Q. 1395.  Ayatollah Safi, Jama‘ al-Ahkām, Vol. 2, Q. 5521. 
Ayatollah Wahid: according to obligatory precaution (Ihtīyāt Wājib), this condition is not valid and binding, unless there is a condition that: " the wife has power of attorney from the husband, that if the husband remarries, she can carry out divorce”, this is valid. (Ayatollah Wahid, Minhāj al-Ṣālehīn, Vol. 3, Q. 9531

 

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7 hours ago, starlight said:

Why don't you post it for me here?

If its a Muslim woman then it doesnt require the below ruling.

It depends on who he wants to do Mutah with. If its Ahlul Kitab then this ruling applies:

Question: A Muslim couple got separated for a long time. Is it permissible for him to marry, temporarily or permanently, a woman from Ahlul Kitab without the knowledge of his Muslim wife? Is it permissible for him to marry, with the permission of his Muslim wife?

Answer: For a Muslim man to marry a woman from Ahlul Kitab permanently is against the compulsory precaution in any circumstance. And his temporary marriage to a Jewish or a Christian woman is allowed, only if he is not already married to a Muslim wife. If he has a Muslim wife, temporary marriage with an Ahlul Kitab woman is not permissible without her consent; nay, even with her consent, it is not permissible, based on compulsory precaution.
 
 

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21 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

- She doesn't want to go.

Bring a treadmill home man. Also buy some dumbells (very heavy ones).

21 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

Even if she agrees somehow, she cannot go due to some home chores.

Instead of wasting time getting 6 packs, why don't you do the house chores so your wife can get some time to exercise.

 

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If you intend to do mut'ah with a kitabi female then you need your wfe's approval, and even after that it is against the obligatory precaution to marry them. That is according to Sistani.

But if you intend to do mut'ah with a Muslimah, that is different. 

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3 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

Why should I put myself in my wife's place. And why should I tell her? Women are emotionally pumped up in such situations and they won't easily allow their husbands to be shared with another woman. But men on the other hand are genetically programmed so that they are and can be at ease in romancing more than one woman. It is true and a fact. Allah the creator knows that.

You know what the best and amazing thing Allah designed in men... To stay strong!! Strong as a concrete wall... 

I am not here to judge you brother, i don't know what you are dealing with.. But here again you are a man, superior and free (in lots of matters) but you know what ,you are a covering\clothes for your wife.. Uncovering her or her issues will uncover you as well... So best thing is "consult with your better half" inshaaAllah it will drive you somewhere good!!

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@molaayi_from_lahore i have a question or suggestion i don't know!! 

What if your second wife became heavy after you guys settled down?? Will your heart be free for another one?? What about the third one?? Will it end somewhere??will you stop somewhere??

 

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13 hours ago, molaayi_from_lahore said:

Dear Kazmi, you are partly right. i will never divorce her, even she asks for it I will try to avoid as much as possible but just for my children, not for abusing her. I never verbally abused her. I always talk to her and behave with her in very polite and humble manner. I give her proper money every month, more than a typical average-income house wife can dream of. I am assuming here that you don't mean reminding her about her bad shape is abusing.

You are psychologically abusing her. It shows in your attitude. You sound very arrogant about your looks and your money. You obviously think that you are better than her and you get attention from girls better than her. This hypocrisy is seen in [some] desi men. They hate their wives, give their love an affection to their mistresses but always keep their wives as servants and as punching bags. If you give so much money to your wife, why doesn't she hire maids? I know you will tell lies but some day if you are in a mode to hold yourself accountable, ask yourself these questions and try to answer honestly. 

How many hours per week your wife spends in house chores and taking care of your kids? 

How many hours per week you spend in working? How many hours you spend in gym and how many hours in entertainment where you get compliments? 

How many taunts, snide remarks your wife receives daily from you and all the relatives? How many compliments you receive? 

If one day you become paralyzed, you become confined to bed where you cannot move and you gain weight?  Your wife decided to stay with you, she becomes a saint among people and she starts getting compliments everyday. She starts exercising, becomes very slim and she starts getting compliments from men, she flirts with them in front of your eyes but insists on loving you and staying with you, how would you feel? 

Your wife is not here to tell her side if story. Even if she did try to tell her story, there's no concrete evidence for emotional and psychological abuse that can be presented. But from your posts, it's very obvious you are a hypocrite and arrogant person. You will never divorce her because if she ix not standing next to you, how will you get an ego boost from all the people telling you that you are a saint for staying with a wife who is so inferior to you. 

Edited by Hameedeh
The word all was changed to [some].

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@AfricanShia Marrying an ahle kitab isn't allowed even after wife's permission and permission isn't needed when marrying a Muslim women. So, asking permission from wife is moot point at least for Sistani followers! :)

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35 minutes ago, AfricanShia said:

I was half right at least.

You weren't but if it makes you feel better then okay.

Edited by starlight

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I don't understand some people. If I was an overweight person, I would want you to shame me everyday about my weight so that I can be motivated to lose weight. I don't understand these guys that want people to remain obese and unhealthy and tell them to be happy about it lol

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I don't understand why people cannot see that most women get overweight when they get pregnant. Not just the lazy women, not just the women who eat unhealthy, most women who are skinny and pretty, they get overweight. In the few years after giving birth, women lack sleep, they are stressed out and they are busy taking care if their children. So they don't have time and energy to plan their meals or spend hours in gym. For some people looks are important. For others, behavior is more important. A good looking man who thinks he is better than you, who is always insulting you looks like a blood sucking vampire. 

And since when body is so important for Muslim women? When I think about looks of a man, I can only think about a good looking face. I can never tell if a man does exercise or not because I don't watch terminator type movies, I don't know about biceps or any of that terminology. 

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17 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

@molaayi_from_lahore.

What about divorce? 

Given how abhorrent divorce is considered to be in Islam and given also that mutah is acceptable, I'd imagine that the latter is the more preferable option from a fiqh point of view. 

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On 02/09/2017 at 0:59 PM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Take your wife to the gym.

Weight loss is not just a matter of exercise, it's about eating less. Sadly there comes a point where people associate happiness with eating.

Having wracked my brains about how to help this Bro and the wider Ummah I have come up with the following solution that may help both husband and wife and others in a similar situation.

Bro could try and spice things up by smearing himself with kheer and having her lick it off.

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41 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I don't understand why people cannot see that most women get overweight when they get pregnant. Not just the lazy women, not just the women who eat unhealthy, most women who are skinny and pretty, they get overweight. In the few years after giving birth, women lack sleep, they are stressed out and they are busy taking care if their children. So they don't have time I don't know about biceps or any of that terminology. 

And some women are just plain lazy. They use kids as an excuse to eat and gain weight and keep the husbands tied to them because now they are the mother of his kids so they have a license to start looking fat and ugly. 

Edited by starlight
Cut down quote

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

And some women are just plain lazy. They use kids as an excuse to eat and gain weight and keep the husbands tied to them because now they are the mother of his kids so now they have a license to start looking fat and ugly. 

If most guys helped their wife do the house chores(like the OP) then maybe the wife can get some time to exercise. 

It's easy to drop by to the gym and come home, seeing chicken biryani.

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34 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I don't understand why people cannot see that most women get overweight when they get pregnant. Not just the lazy women, not just the women who eat unhealthy, most women who are skinny and pretty, they get overweight. In the few years after giving birth, women lack sleep, they are stressed out and they are busy taking care if their children. So they don't have time and energy to plan their meals or spend hours in gym. For some people looks are important. For others, behavior is more important. A good looking man who thinks he is better than you, who is always insulting you looks like a blood sucking vampire. 

And since when body is so important for Muslim women? When I think about looks of a man, I can only think about a good looking face. I can never tell if a man does exercise or not because I don't watch terminator type movies, I don't know about biceps or any of that terminology. 

Yea those explainations would be legitimate if it wasn't for the fact that, yes, health issues for females happen after pregnancy and child birth, but they do not turn someone whose skinny and healthy into someone who is now 50% heavier then they used to be. This is an exception and not a regular occurance, so stop trying to brush this off as just another normal thing that happens to sisters after childbirth.

The body is not just important for the Muslim female, it is important for humans in general. Islam stresses healthiness. What kind of argument is this? You don't know gluttony is condemned? 

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26 minutes ago, starlight said:

And some women are just plain lazy. They use kids as an excuse to eat and gain weight and keep the husbands tied to them because now they are the mother of his kids so they have a license to start looking fat and ugly. 

I would love to meet a woman in our culture who has so much power that she is allowed to sit around instead of taking care of her kids AND she is keeping her husband tied to her against his will. In the OP's case, that's not happening. He wants to keep her. 

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