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malak95

Would you marry a shia guy who did muta

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Hi,

The guy that I want to marry is shia and we have around ten years of age apart. He is a very good guy, he is religious and we love each other. However, I started being more aware of his past and the fact that he has been with many girls before he met me. It did make me uncomfortable, jealous and a bit angry although I do know that given his age it is understandable that he has a past. He did tell me that he never met the right person and he said that it was mostly flings it did not mean much to him. I do still sometimes think about it and find it unfair that guys can date many girls and still marry a virgin girl, but they would not marry a girl who has been around. I am also a very jealous person and even though I try to control it, I do think and wonder about the things that he has done with other girls and it bothers me. But I hope that my jealousy and anger will be over for good, because I do really love him and he treats me good. Also, even though I wish he was also a virgin so that it is new to both of us, I do know that maybe it is better that he did whatever he did and he is over it and knows what he wants. I would like to know, what people think about marrying a guy who is not virgin and has done muta? If there are any of you who felt the same way? 

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I am not going to get married so why would you ask me. I don't know you and I don't know him. If you really love him why are you having cold feet? Past is past. 

I think you don't love him and you just need to hear from us. 

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

If he did mutah then it's fine since it's halal. If it was fornication then it would have been a problem. This virgin/non virgin issue is more cultural than Islamic and shouldn't be of much significance as long as there has been no haram in his past. 

May be he sinned in past and he might regret doing it. How can we judge him? 

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1 minute ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

May be he sinned in past and he might regret doing it. How can we judge him? 

 I am not judging,I am just saying how I feel about this since this is what the OP asked. I would still have reservations about marrying a guy who has been sleeping around,even if he says he has repented. 

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Just now, starlight said:

 I am not judging,I am just saying how I feel about this since this is what the OP asked. I would still have reservations about marrying a guy who has been sleeping around,even if he says he has repented. 

lol hahahaha Of course he was sleeping around he said it was nothing serious just a fling. 

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1 hour ago, malak95 said:

Hi,

The guy that I want to marry is shia and we have around ten years of age apart. He is a very good guy, he is religious and we love each other. However, I started being more aware of his past and the fact that he has been with many girls before he met me. It did make me uncomfortable, jealous and a bit angry although I do know that given his age it is understandable that he has a past. He did tell me that he never met the right person and he said that it was mostly flings it did not mean much to him. I do still sometimes think about it and find it unfair that guys can date many girls and still marry a virgin girl, but they would not marry a girl who has been around. I am also a very jealous person and even though I try to control it, I do think and wonder about the things that he has done with other girls and it bothers me. But I hope that my jealousy and anger will be over for good, because I do really love him and he treats me good. Also, even though I wish he was also a virgin so that it is new to both of us, I do know that maybe it is better that he did whatever he did and he is over it and knows what he wants. I would like to know, what people think about marrying a guy who is not virgin and has done muta? If there are any of you who felt the same way? 

Sister!

He did Halal marriage in the past. Why should we discuss on this? It was Halal, and you both love each other. You said he treats you well, then what's the problem?

One time I asked for marriage from a girl who did divorce and mutah in the past. 

I am OK with all Halal things that my future wife did in the past. Be comfortable. Actually, these are Shaytan thoughts. Take them away. According to your mentality, no virgin man/woman should marry a convert because he/she touched non-mahram people or maybe slept with them.

To me as long as the person follows religion, that is fine to me. Be more comfortable. Don't be sensitive on this. It was HALAL. Allah let him do that. Why do we expect him to pass our criteria as well? Allah's criteria is the best. Make it simple for yourself.

Inshaallah you would have good life with him

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If he has done Mutah with no serious intention of making a permanent commitment with either of the girls he was with, then that's a red flag. 

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8 hours ago, starlight said:

If he did mutah then it's fine since it's halal. If it was fornication then it would have been a problem. This virgin/non virgin issue is more cultural than Islamic and shouldn't be of much significance as long as there has been no haram in his past. 

There are Fiqh differences between virgin and non-virgin females. I don't know of any Fiqh differences between virgin and non-virgin men in this situation.

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If he is of good character and religiosity, then marry him sister. At the end of the day he did something which is halal, and possibly even wajib depending on his situation, and mustahab in and of itself.

Edited by E.L King

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8 hours ago, Muslim96 said:

The only thing I would think about is if he is serious or if it will be another "fling"..

This.

And also, I wouldn't personally favor marrying myself to a muta guy/girl, but since it's Halal (and from Allah), there is no problem in it either way. Instead I am in quite a favor of divorcees, that's so because they have been through a harder time then those muta people...

Edited by Zavon

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23 minutes ago, E.L King said:

There are Fiqh differences between virgin and non-virgin females. I don't know of any Fiqh differences between virgin and non-virgin men in this situation.

Yes, I  know about those. What I meant was that the fiqhi and cultural definitions of virginity are different and I have seen men being fixated on marrying the 'cultural' virgin girl ( a girl who has never been with a man)

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19 hours ago, malak95 said:

Hi,

The guy that I want to marry is shia and we have around ten years of age apart. He is a very good guy, he is religious and we love each other. However, I started being more aware of his past and the fact that he has been with many girls before he met me. It did make me uncomfortable, jealous and a bit angry although I do know that given his age it is understandable that he has a past. He did tell me that he never met the right person and he said that it was mostly flings it did not mean much to him. I do still sometimes think about it and find it unfair that guys can date many girls and still marry a virgin girl, but they would not marry a girl who has been around. I am also a very jealous person and even though I try to control it, I do think and wonder about the things that he has done with other girls and it bothers me. But I hope that my jealousy and anger will be over for good, because I do really love him and he treats me good. Also, even though I wish he was also a virgin so that it is new to both of us, I do know that maybe it is better that he did whatever he did and he is over it and knows what he wants. I would like to know, what people think about marrying a guy who is not virgin and has done muta? If there are any of you who felt the same way? 

Would any girl  marry with  an married or divorced man. 

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1 hour ago, islam25 said:

Would any girl  marry with  an married or divorced man. 

Marrying a divorced man, I don't see why not if he is a good person. Marrying an already married man... hmm. .. that's opening a can of worms that leads to emotionally charged posts from the sisters here so I won't answer this. :rolleyes:

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13 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

If he has done Mutah with no serious intention of making a permanent commitment with either of the girls he was with, then that's a red flag. 

Not when the mutah wife also didn't want to make it permanent. I don't think we should assume his intention without also knowing what the woman thought about it.

Anyway, the OP asked what people thoguht about marrying a man who had done mutah or had a past. This is as good as asking what do you think about marrying men - because, to be frank, almost every guy who is past his early 20s would have some kind of past.

You are good to go as long his past is really past, he regrets his mistakes, and that he's changed for the better. Just make sure he's a decent and kind man. Decent and kind (and has got money to make things work!)

 

Edited by Marbles
typo

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I'd be much more concerned about a potential spouse who has had flings than one who has been "unlucky in love", intending long term loving relationships but it not working out for whatever reason. If it's been a while and he's matured since the last fling, it's probably fine. You really need to discuss your concerns with him until you and he are both satisfied. Std testing isn't a bad idea though, regardless of the type of relationship. 

As for jealousy, let it go. It's not beneficial. If you can't let it go, if it's going to ruin your feelings for him, it's not fair for either of you to continue the relationship. You will both be unhappy. 

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22 hours ago, malak95 said:

we have around ten years of age apart.

How old are you ?

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

However, I started being more aware of his past and the fact that he has been with many girls before he met me.

His life didn't begin when he met you. He was 10 years ahead of you in life and has thus done 10 more years of living.

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

It did make me uncomfortable, jealous and a bit angry although I do know that given his age it is understandable that he has a past.

Its understandable to feel that way but again you have to realize he's done 10 more years of living before he met you.

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

I do still sometimes think about it and find it unfair that guys can date many girls and still marry a virgin girl, but they would not marry a girl who has been around.

Sadly, that's a terrible double standard that permeates our entire culture (moreso with immigrants). Its not fair but that's the reality of how society works. Not defending it but saying that's the reality of the situation.

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

I am also a very jealous person and even though I try to control it, I do think and wonder about the things that he has done with other girls and it bothers me.

Jealousy won't get you anywhere. Until, you come to grips with the fact that your fiance has been with other girls I don't suggest you get married because this will only get worse as time goes on. 

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

But I hope that my jealousy and anger will be over for good, because I do really love him and he treats me good.

That's up to you but to be honest once jealousy is in your nature it always stays there. Its a matter of how you control it but its always gonna be there in your heart regardless.

22 hours ago, malak95 said:

I would like to know, what people think about marrying a guy who is not virgin and has done muta?

If he's someone that you can have a happy life then who cares if he's had sex before? If he's gonna bring you happiness (that's factoring in whether or not you can control your jealousy) then what difference does it really make?

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4 hours ago, Marbles said:

Not when the mutah wife also didn't want to make it permanent. I don't think we should assume his intention without also knowing what the woman thought about it.

Anyway, the OP asked what people thoguht about marrying a man who had done mutah or had a past. This is as good as asking what do you think about marrying men - because, to be frank, almost every guy who is past his early 20s would have some kind of past.

You are good to go as long his past is really past, he regrets his mistakes, and that he's changed for the better. Just make sure he's a decent and kind man. Decent and kind (and has got money to make things work!)

I'm a bit shocked about some of the responses here. Yes, mutah is halal, but if you treat it like a fling and misuse its purposes - that's just wrong and looks bad on anyone.

Being unlucky in love happens. Rarely do we marry the first person we fall for. However, I am personally cautious of a man who has done mutah several times. There was a man who insisted a Sunni woman (covert) would do mutah with him just for the sake of talking. They had only talked twice in public settings. To me, that's a red flag, and even if you've done mutah several times.

I don't know what you're really trying to get at here by mentioning "having money to make things work" because it's sounds like you're taking a jab at my relationship, which I don't appreciate. I've accepted that I won't have a financially well-off life for a while, until both of us get our degrees, but money is not what keeps people together. While I won't disagree that money helps, it shouldn't be the determining factor for considering someone.

Nor will money make a relationship work. A relationship "working out" means the two fulfill each other unlike anyone else, not two people who have insane fights and a myriad of differences just staying together despite it all. Sure, certain stressors won't be a factor when a person has money, but money never would make a relationship happy emotionally, mentally, or physically. A person can, on paper, be decent and kind, but he may not be able to take care of you emotionally despite his kindness. Kindness and decency should be a factor, but not everyone who is kind and decent is the right match for you. 

EDIT: double standards just appall me. It's perfectly reasonable for a woman who is a virgin to also want a man who has decided to save himself. It shouldn't be expected because majority of guys won't for permanent Nikah, but it's perfectly reasonable. These men are out there - I've met them, and my SO is also one, so it's not unreasonable. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Edited out a huge space gap.

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2 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Sure, certain stressors won't be a factor when a person has money, but money never would make a relationship happy emotionally, mentally, or physically.

I greatly differ with that thought.

If you don't have money you (or someone in your fam) can't go visit a psychiatrist/psychologist.

If you don't have money you can't fulfill the ever raising desires of your wife (and yourself duh).

If you don't have money, in case of accident, you can't go and fix a couple rib-fractures. :hahaha: And worse case scenario: you get broke (for let's say, visiting the doc), and your wife leaves. (Have heard of many such cases).

Edited by Hameedeh
Edited out a huge space gap.

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12 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Being unlucky in love happens. I am personally cautious of a man who has done mutah several times. 

Having multiple mutahs in the past is indicative of a trend and is indeed troubling. If I were a girl I'd see it as a red flag. But it should be remembered that mutah is not always a temporary step with the intention of making the relationship permanent; often it is just a timebound arrangement between two consenting adults who need romantic company, especially in circumstances when getting married permanently is not a viable option for both or either of them. 

Quote

I don't know what you're really trying to get at here by mentioning "having money to make things work" because it's sounds like you're taking a jab at my relationship, which I don't appreciate. I've accepted that I won't have a financially well-off life for a while, until both of us get our degrees, but money is not what keeps people together.

Jesus Christ, I wrote the bit about having money in jest, just to lighten things up for the thread. It was not intended to be taken seriously. 

Please relax, it was not directed at you at all. In fact, I didn't even know the particulars of your relationship until you mentioned it in your post. 

Agreed with what you wrote about money and its role in relationships.

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On 8/31/2017 at 3:12 PM, Marbles said:
Quote

 

Jesus Christ, I wrote the bit about having money in jest, just to lighten things up for the thread. It was not intended to be taken seriously. 

Please relax, it was not directed at you at all. In fact, I didn't even know the particulars of your relationship until you mentioned it in your post. 

I thought you knew that my SO is not financially well off because I've talked about it on here, and people had the audacity (people who were not financially well off themselves when they had met their spouses) to say that he was not good for me because of the lack of money (and one other reason - him being a Sunni.) I thought you knew about it as well. 

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I would personally feel more comfortable with a person who had a similar level of experience with the opposite sex as I.  If I was going to marry a guy who I know performed mutah then I would definitely request that they take an STI test...actually, in this day and I it might be advisable to ask anyone you're considering seriously marrying to take one...

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Straight-up yes and no answers are not very useful or realistic in this topic. It really should depend on the person - that applies for both men and women. There are converts that have had relationships prior to converting, and then thereafter they become pious. All of the sahaba, men and women, were at some point non-Muslim, and most of them were engaging in immoral actions of all sorts. We believe in the reformative power of Islam - Abu Dharr al-Ghifari should suffice as an example for that. Let alone for something halal.

There are of course signs and red flags. In general, the more past relationships a person has had, the less likely they will be committed in marriage. This is true for both sexes, but it is statistically more pronounced in women than in men.

If their "mut`a" was just zina or prostitution plus seegha (ie one night stands, sex-work, clubbing), then that is different than with a more genuine mut`a that followed the rules. Even then, time and sincerity can change people.

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On 31/08/2017 at 3:25 AM, malak95 said:

If there are any of you who felt the same way? 

The guy is sincere in all honesty. He chose a halal way to satisfy his desires, out of all the harram.

Most guys lose their virginity through masturbation/porn, so what's the big deal? At least he won't be a creepy porn addict when your married. 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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54 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Most guys lose their virginity through masturbation/porn, so what's the big deal? At least he won't be a creepy porn addict when your married. 

......

A man and woman only lose their virginities when they have sex. A man can't lose his virginity through masturbation. 

A guy can still be a creepy porn addict and masturbate even with a mutah marriage. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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21 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

......

A man and woman only lose their virginities when they have sex. A man can't lose his virginity through masturbation. 

A guy can still be a creepy porn addict and masturbate even with a mutah marriage. 

Well if you strictly follow the definition of 'virginity' then yeah.

However, reaching orgasm through sex (via mutah) is much healthier than reaching it via porn. Most people who watch porn become addicted to seeing women on computer screens and it affects their whole marriage life. 

I don't know much about this guy, but he chose a halal option which means he chose to fulfill his desires in an acceptable way. Most guys out there have a hard time controlling their desires, especially if they marry in their late 20's.

So the fact that this guy did mutah, tells us a lot about his sincerity and how he is willing to guard himself from sins. Say if he wasn't concerned about halal/harram, then why doesn't he just go to a prostitute?

 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

......

A man and woman only lose their virginities when they have sex. A man can't lose his virginity through masturbation. 

A guy can still be a creepy porn addict and masturbate even with a mutah marriage. 

Generally yes but sistani(ha) does consider girls who did zina still virgins in the Islamic sense. However generally that is true.

as for mutah and porn. Well.. ya they can still be addicted if they were addicted before the mutah however if he did mutah before than no, cause it is a preventative measure for these kind of things which is why it's encouraged.

besides mutah can help a porn addict in other ways besides sex. For example if a girl is addicted or boy, they can ask their spouses to help them filter their electronic devices, it becomes harder for a person to break their filters when someone else has the password. Not to mention it replaces porn in terms of female contact (besides sex) cause many people wire their attraction to a screen rather than their fellow human beings, having a partner can help you rewire yourself to a living breathing partner. Also it can help with accountability, someone who is  checking up on you can help (if they know about the problem), the more time you spend with a human the less isolated you become even if it's just talking and isolation is a big contributing factor to porn addiction cause you Usually go to this when your by yourself. Not to mention all the other benefits mutah provides that can not only prevent a porn addiction but can also help get rid of it. 

Choosing a mutah over haram is a smart idea especially porn because it is known to cause erectile dysfunction with it being possibly irreversible in some  cases. Mutah is a much better deal for everyone's sake.

Edited by Al Hadi

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