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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Guest aris

salam alaykum! When i was a child I got abused by my father. He used to abuse my mother and siblings too. sometimes he would just leave me and my family for a long time, like a half year. He would go to our homeland, iraq. After some time we decided to move there. We lived there a year and then moved back. Time passed, he changed. He's not abusing me anymore. Not long time ago my brother started to abuse me. One time he even wanted too kill my mother, i know its crazy. He was out of he's mind. My mom did forgive him. But now we moved back to iraq. I really don't want to live here but i want a change. I used to pray but not all the time, its on and off. I was in a really dark place. No one was there for me not even my mother. Whenever I would tell her in tears that I'm feeling sad and she'd say "you are so unthankful go away". But after the years passed i started to sin. I lost my faith. I believed in Allah SWT of course but I wasn't really righteous or so. I've been suffering a lot. But after all this time I started to pray. I've become more righteous. But the thing is my mother, she always says something or does something to push me away. I'm so tired. I'm really trying to be good with her. I admit i'm not the perfect child. i have my mistakes. but It feels like she doesn't even love me, seriously. I feel very unloved in my family. Its not like i've been the devil or so hahah. I'm understanding to my parents, i don't get them upset, i don't get angry at them unlike my brother. He has never been understanding he has just been a huge pain in the ass but still they love him more. I'm not jealous i just want to know why? have i done something to make them hate me? whenever i ask them they say that they love me even more than my brother. I know its a lie, I'm not a fool. I'm just tired not having anyone by my side. and now when i've moved to iraq it just made things worse. I really want to move back. I'm just so tired, I'm exhausted. Seriously i wouldn't mind if someone would kill me and that makes me sick, because i should be grateful for breathing. I'm really trying to have patience. When i didn't pray i was really depressed and i felt empty but now I pray but still i feel exhausted but not depressed. Not like before. What should i do? can i even do anything? Is Allah trying to test my patience?

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I don't have similar experience, so I can't really advise you on your best action, but just know that people who have suffered years of abuse are damaged - your parents might not remember how to show love. Maybe you can teach them. 

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Your story was heartbreaking. I make dua for you and your family. Inshaallah everything would be solved.

Try to pray regularly and ask Allah for an opening in your life.

I have some suggestions. Try to be patient and be rational. Be kinder to your parents (I know it's hard). One more suggestion is that don't look at marriage as a solution to get out of this situation (I said this just in case because it happens). Try to be more committed to religion and kinder to your parents.

Sorry if I couldn't help very much, but I'll do dua.

Good director (Allah) gives hardest jobs (Problems) to good characters (you).

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

You live in the land of our blessed Imams. Which Imam (s) is closest to you?  Go and visit, do frequent ziyarahs ask them to intercede on your behalf.  You will not be disappointed.  Continue with your salat.  Everything takes time dear sis, relationships don't change overnight.  It takes connection and a lot of active time with people to build love, trust, and respect.  

You are more than capable of demonstrating this, but requires effort and patience.  If you put your time and focus on improving your situation with your parents you will see results.  

God bless you.  Alhamd'Allah you returned back to salat, that is the right direction.  You're parents do not hate you, but maybe they don't know how to express affection since it could be they were not learned or taught to show love.  Start by making small changes with the relationship towards your parents.  Words go a long way.  With mom, you can begin by commenting on her food by thanking her or saying "Allah y3tiki al 3fiya" to your dad.  

Kiss them goodnight.  Embrace them, hug them, look at them with soft eyes.  Day after day, they will see this and catch on Insh'Allah you will see results.  Even if you don't, you are pleasing Allah by being birr lil waledayn.

People are usually reactionary, show your positive changes and Insh'Allah it will be reciprocated.

I also left the west and live back in my homeland.  Insh'Allah it is for the best.  Have faith in Allah swt, and remember your Imam of the Time.  When you have downtime, make an effort to understand and learn about your Imam.  If you don't like reading, watch lectures.  Alhamd'Allah you have internet, use it to seek knowledge.

Muharram is around the corner, you are blessed to where you are, take advantage of the majalis, it will change you with every tear for Aba 3bd Allah al Hussain 3la salam.  

Some English speakers to look up on YouTube:  Khalil Jafar, Sheikh Nuru Mohammad, Hassanain Rajabali.

Finally, ask Allah for guidance after salat.  Make du32 from your heart.

God bless you.  You are in your journey dear sis, this life don't let it fool you.  Go and ask Amir al mo2mineen, he knows all about that. :)

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

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4 hours ago, Guest aris said:

salam alaykum! When i was a child I got abused by my father. He used to abuse my mother and siblings too. sometimes he would just leave me and my family for a long time, like a half year. He would go to our homeland, iraq. After some time we decided to move there. We lived there a year and then moved back. Time passed, he changed. He's not abusing me anymore. Not long time ago my brother started to abuse me. One time he even wanted too kill my mother, i know its crazy. He was out of he's mind. My mom did forgive him. But now we moved back to iraq. I really don't want to live here but i want a change. I used to pray but not all the time, its on and off. I was in a really dark place. No one was there for me not even my mother. Whenever I would tell her in tears that I'm feeling sad and she'd say "you are so unthankful go away". But after the years passed i started to sin. I lost my faith. I believed in Allah SWT of course but I wasn't really righteous or so. I've been suffering a lot. But after all this time I started to pray. I've become more righteous. But the thing is my mother, she always says something or does something to push me away. I'm so tired. I'm really trying to be good with her. I admit i'm not the perfect child. i have my mistakes. but It feels like she doesn't even love me, seriously. I feel very unloved in my family. Its not like i've been the devil or so hahah. I'm understanding to my parents, i don't get them upset, i don't get angry at them unlike my brother. He has never been understanding he has just been a huge pain in the ass but still they love him more. I'm not jealous i just want to know why? have i done something to make them hate me? whenever i ask them they say that they love me even more than my brother. I know its a lie, I'm not a fool. I'm just tired not having anyone by my side. and now when i've moved to iraq it just made things worse. I really want to move back. I'm just so tired, I'm exhausted. Seriously i wouldn't mind if someone would kill me and that makes me sick, because i should be grateful for breathing. I'm really trying to have patience. When i didn't pray i was really depressed and i felt empty but now I pray but still i feel exhausted but not depressed. Not like before. What should i do? can i even do anything? Is Allah trying to test my patience?

Parents in Asia and Middle-East Asia also had rough experiences in their lives as children that is why they grow as dominating their children often. But it is not necessary that every child should tread upon the footsteps of parents and lose patience and temperament and become same for his children too. The problem with you case is same as problem with almost 75% of children in Asia and Middle-East. Every parents thinks that since their children eat, sleep and talk without being ill, they are alright. But sometimes, due to rude behavior in the house, it leads to mental diseases which are invisible and appear when one loose his mind. 

So, now I guess you have to focus on following things:

1. Sit beside your parents and instead of complaining, talk to them about family matters, family history, make them laugh and share them good things, insha-Allah, soon you will feel that they smile because of you and due to their smile, they will develop intense love for you. Prophet PBUHHP said: "Give away gifts so that mutual love grow". Give your parents gift of pleasant and sweet talks. 

 2. Be more intelligent than your parents for your children and instead of remembering past things, be more gentle that your children may not have same feeling for you as you have for your parents.

3. I believe that if you are deprived of something, then you should become that thing instead of seeking that in others. 

 

 

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Clearly your whole family needs to see a psychiatrist, although the egos wont allow it. The families emotional connections are broken, thus everyone has become super defensive and are afraid to commit, in case they are hurt again. They are humans too, the outburst are just their own anger and the inability to express.Your brother is angry at your mother for not protecting them from the bully, ( father ), and at the same time is imitating your father in picking on the weak. This tells us that he has not developed his emotions and intellect properly.

You need to focus on developing your self, what and where do you need to go in life. Wasting time on this love nonsense is childish. Do something productive in life to be progressive and yes stand up against the bullies or you will constantly be bullied.

Edited by monad

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I have also seen this: women who go through abuse, they attack the person who tries to be nice to them or help them. Your mother has probably a lot of responsibilities. You should be grateful because as long as your mother is present, she is saving you from abuse. If your mother goes somewhere, you will become main target. So be nice to your mother. I won't tell you to be nice to your father since he is in a position to control your brother but he is not doing anything. Go for ziyarat, focus on studies. Since you live in Iraq, there must be a lot of people who need help. Try to help them if you can, it will give you peace. Is it possible for you to go back to west? You can tell your family that you will earn money and send money to them. They will probably agree. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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