Love with an Afghan girl

[DanielSpain]

Salaam Alaikum sisters and brothers, 

I come here for explaining about my situation and see other people opinion about my case,

 

I am a 20 y.o guy born in Barcelona, Spain. My background comes from a catholic- but not practicant nor religous family.

About 2 years ago I started to become interested about Islam and started to make my own research into in on the net, etc. I also visited a Sunni mosque in Barcelona, where they explained me basis of Islam and some of their Sunni traditions.

On a travel to a North European country, I get to know an Afghan girl (Shia muslim) working on her family market, and I showed her my interest on her religion and asked some of my questions about it, she helped me with my issues and yea. I kind of liked the way she was explaining me about her religion, and we kept in contact with each other when I went back to my home city.
We became closer and closer with each other, talked about personal life, family, and of course, the religion.

About a year ago, I went back to that country, and there, after a year of research about Islam, and figuring out about my beliefs, I became a muslim in the Imam Ali Mosque (largest Shia mosque in Europe). The Imam taught me maaany many things during my stay, I spent lot of my time in the mosque, talking with other brothers, etc. 

After converting to Muslim, at the begining when I was back home, I was praying on my room, and my family didn't really know anything about about my conversion, since I knew talking or explaining about this to them would be something difficult for them. But I had to explain about all this when Ramadan came, because I wanted to fast and perform it. So I had a serious talk with my family and explained everything about my conversion, about Islam and that I wanted to do Ramadan. At the first days it was very very difficult for them to understand it, and we had many fights and a not so-good atmosphere at home, but after some time, it all kind of normalised for them.

The Afghan girl I met was always a support for me, we always was in contact with each other, and really really helped me in the difficult moments with my family, as well as I was a support for her, we was talking a lot, helping with school issues, talking about our families, daily things, everything. And we "fell in love" with each other.
She of course keeps everything about me in secret with her family, and they don't know anything about me, she talks with me hiding the headsets, or deletes the conversations, and keeps everything hidden since sometimes her brothers check her phone.

She is 19 years old, and originally from Afghanistan, but has been living in Europe with her family for more than 15 years. She is Hazara Afghan, in case this helps.
She is the only daughter in the family and has 6 brothers.

The issue comes when we start to think about future, about being together and about the difficulties we might have. She says her family is pretty restrictive and her dad has even told her that he would like her to marry with some of her cousins, but she of course refuses to that. She says that the family can refuse her to marry with a Spanish guy instead of an Afghan one, or a Spanish guy who converted to islam without a muslim family, and yea..

 

I would like to know your thought about all this, if know some case about reverted man marrying a muslim woman, and if had issues with that. Because it's common to see marriages betwen converted woman and muslim man, but not the opposite..

Or if there is someone that knows about the Afghan traditions and could advice me with that, or give me their own oppinion.

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We have met with each other because I've travelled to her city 2 times after meeting her for the first time, we didn't just see each other one time.

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On the mosque, I got to know an Afghan man, and he resulted to be an Imam when he was in Afghanistan, as well he has been Imam in Iran and Dubai. We have become close to each other, explained me afghan traditions, and he has also helped me a lot with my Islam questions. I exposed to him my situation with the afghan girl, and he said that he could come with me and my family the day that I decide to go ask for her hand to her family. -- Will this help be very helpful?

 

Sorry for the long post, but felt like I had to explain it long so it could be understood, if you have any question, or something is not clear at all, be open to ask.

Thanks for your attention,

Daniel

 

[Sindbad05]

32 minutes ago, DanielSpain said:

On the mosque, I got to know an Afghan man, and he resulted to be an Imam when he was in Afghanistan, as well he has been Imam in Iran and Dubai. We have become close to each other, explained me afghan traditions, and he has also helped me a lot with my Islam questions. I exposed to him my situation with the afghan girl, and he said that he could come with me and my family the day that I decide to go ask for her hand to her family. -- Will this help be very helpful?

I think this will help, and it may happen that you may get a strict response in the beginning but if you try not to give up, it may happen that you get successful. You are Muslim now and there is no any reason for them to deny you since you are not any part of western culture which is great cause of concern for the Muslims. 

The only reason that it is much difficult for girl than boy is the girl require support of their family as they a emotionally weak and in such a situation, it is obvious why boys marry easily as oppose to girls and even among them not all boys are able to marry as per their wishes. 

Edited August 12, 2017 by Sindbad05

[DanielSpain]

2 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

I think this will help, and it may happen that you may get a strict response in the beginning but if you try not to give up, it may happen that you get successful. You are Muslim now and there is no any reason for them to deny you since you are not any part of western culture which is great cause of concern for the Muslims. 

The only reason that it is much difficult for girl than boy is the girl require support of their family as they a emotionally weak and in such a situation, it is obvious why boys marry easily as oppose to girls and even among them not all boys are able to marry as per their wishes. 

Yes that can be right, she is worried that other families can talk bad about her or her family for marrying with a Spanish guy instead of Afghan one, since they are kind of traditional. And maybe on the other case, a man would not be that emotional when it comes to the family.

 

Would it be good idea maybe talking with one of her brothers and try to explain the situation before going to her family? Or that would be a bad idea and ruin everything?

[Sindbad05]

7 minutes ago, DanielSpain said:

Yes that can be right, she is worried that other families can talk bad about her or her family for marrying with a Spanish guy instead of Afghan one, since they are kind of traditional. And maybe on the other case, a man would not be that emotional when it comes to the family.

 

Would it be good idea maybe talking with one of her brothers and try to explain the situation before going to her family? Or that would be a bad idea and ruin everything?

I think you should search for an intermediary that knows her family and you can begin by searching an Imam of a Mosque where their family lives and meet him and after few meetings show him your purpose to marry her and it may happen that Imam can help you. It is often good to ask someone who know them rather than meeting them for how would they believe an stranger whom they are meeting for the first time ? 

Or it can also happen if you through your parents meet any family who knows them and knows you and your parents through them ask hand of the girl ?  

[Sindbad05]

12 minutes ago, DanielSpain said:

And maybe on the other case, a man would not be that emotional when it comes to the family.

Eastern men vary in categories and they have different objective for marriage. However, I am not sure about Western ones because I am Eastern one.  

[Sindbad05]

15 minutes ago, DanielSpain said:

And maybe on the other case, a man would not be that emotional when it comes to the family.

Eastern men vary in categories and they have different objective for marriage.  

[DanielSpain]

56 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

I think you should search for an intermediary that knows her family and you can begin by searching an Imam of a Mosque where their family lives and meet him and after few meetings show him your purpose to marry her and it may happen that Imam can help you. It is often good to ask someone who know them rather than meeting them for how would they believe an stranger whom they are meeting for the first time ? 

That's true, it could be wrong to go directly to speak with one of the brothers without them knowing me from anything before.

I really like what you suggest me, and thinks it's a really good idea! I will ask her about which mosque does her family go, and will try to go and get to know the Imam, I'm sure he will have a positive greeting, and could be very helpful for the future!

56 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

Or it can also happen if you through your parents meet any family who knows them and knows you and your parents through them ask hand of the girl ?  

My family is living in Spain so this option would not be possible at all, but thank you, really! 

[Sindbad05]

9 hours ago, DanielSpain said:

That's true, it could be wrong to go directly to speak with one of the brothers without them knowing me from anything before.

I really like what you suggest me, and thinks it's a really good idea! I will ask her about which mosque does her family go, and will try to go and get to know the Imam, I'm sure he will have a positive greeting, and could be very helpful for the future!

My family is living in Spain so this option would not be possible at all, but thank you, really! 

You are welcome  

[monad]

The sad case of the human race is that A, they're first nationalists or associate themselves to a particular heritage, then will come the acknowledge of their religion/s or denominators to a group, then what ever makes them happy and last of all they might adhere to being acknowledged as a human being. Although only a small percentage can truly understand what that is.

[SlaveOfAllah14]

As a Hazara, Shia, Afghan, I think that your best shot is that you should introduce yourself and your family to their parents. If their parents don't know you or your family, then it would be almost impossible for them to give their daughter for marriage. 

Hazaras have endured the most oppression and hardship in Afghanistan for being a minority and distinct from others in terms of race and faith (shia). Therefore they have almost always stayed between themselves and it is hard for them to trust others unless they know them really well and for a long time. I have rarely heard of a Hazara marry a non-Hazara. In fact I personally don't know of any Hazara being married to a non-Hazara. 

If they've lived in Europe for say 15 or 20+ years, then they might be more open and accepting, otherwise it will be very hard. So, get to know them, their brothers, their family etc. If eventually their parents still don't agree, then let her go and move on, because even if she marries you without her parents consent, then most likely she won't live a happy life after that. Also if you do marry her, you should try to integrate and get involved with the Hazara community, otherwise others from the community might shun her and look down upon her. 

Hope that helps

 

Edited August 13, 2017 by Heavenly_Silk
Tagged member wanted their name removed.

[DanielSpain]

2 hours ago, SlaveOfAllah14 said:

As a Hazara, Shia, Afghan, I think that your best shot is that you should introduce yourself and your family to their parents. If their parents don't know you or your family, then it would be almost impossible for them to give their daughter for marriage. 

Hazaras have endured the most oppression and hardship in Afghanistan for being a minority and distinct from others in terms of race and faith (shia). Therefore they have almost always stayed between themselves and it is hard for them to trust others unless they know them really well and for a long time. I have rarely heard of a Hazara marry a non-Hazara. In fact I personally don't know of any Hazara being married to a non-Hazara. 

If they've lived in Europe for say 15 or 20+ years, then they might be more open and accepting, otherwise it will be very hard. So, get to know them, their brothers, their family etc. If eventually their parents still don't agree, then let her go and move on, because even if she marries you without her parents consent, then most likely she won't live a happy life after that. Also if you do marry her, you should try to integrate and get involved with the Hazara community, otherwise others from the community might shun her and look down upon her. 

Hope that helps

 

Exactly, I would love to marry her, but not in a getting-angry with her family way.

I want them to accept and agree with the marriage and see that I can be a good husband for their daughter. I know that maybe they would not accept at the beggining, but show with my behave that I am.

She has always explained me about that her family would be a difficult part, but I really hope with the help of the Afghan Imam the family can understand reasonably.

 

Ah, also, it may be a good thing to say, that one of her brothers is actually 'dating' with a girl from the European country they're living in. And she has been in their house, sleeping there, and yea, and she's not a muslim yet. But I think it's not that easy when it comes to the daughter.

 

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Would it be a good idea to try talk to the family personally, only myself, to explain more or less what I have exposed in the main post, about my conversion, about how I met their daughter, my desire of marrying her, etc... and invite them to come to Spain and meet with my family --even they might not understand each other at all, but with the help of her and me it can be possible--, or see if they give me the opportunity to be with them and get to know them?

I was thinking into transalting a text into Dari and explain to them in their own language, so they might also see my effort

 

Or is it better to keep it like this, and just appear in about a year, with my family, the Imam, and ask formally for the hand of their daughter?

 

[Maysam22]

2 hours ago, DanielSpain said:

Exactly, I would love to marry her, but not in a getting-angry with her family way.

I want them to accept and agree with the marriage and see that I can be a good husband for their daughter. I know that maybe they would not accept at the beggining, but show with my behave that I am.

She has always explained me about that her family would be a difficult part, but I really hope with the help of the Afghan Imam the family can understand reasonably.

 

Ah, also, it may be a good thing to say, that one of her brothers is actually 'dating' with a girl from the European country they're living in. And she has been in their house, sleeping there, and yea, and she's not a muslim yet. But I think it's not that easy when it comes to the daughter.

 

---

Would it be a good idea to try talk to the family personally, only myself, to explain more or less what I have exposed in the main post, about my conversion, about how I met their daughter, my desire of marrying her, etc... and invite them to come to Spain and meet with my family --even they might not understand each other at all, but with the help of her and me it can be possible--, or see if they give me the opportunity to be with them and get to know them?

I was thinking into transalting a text into Dari and explain to them in their own language, so they might also see my effort

 

Or is it better to keep it like this, and just appear in about a year, with my family, the Imam, and ask formally for the hand of their daughter?

 

Salam alaykum to you brother,

I'd like to welcome you to the religion. I have read your story and it's pretty beautiful. Alhamdulillah, Allah has willed that you join the straight path.

I am also an hazara from Afghanistan. It is kind of a tricky situation and I have to mostly agree with brother @SlaveOfAllah14. I think you should visit them along with your parents and the imam you have recently met. In my opinion, this way, her parents will be more comfortable talking to an imam who knows you pretty well and, since he's an afghan too, can speak their language. 

Since they're living in Europe 15 years or more, I would expect them to he more open to other cultures. For instance, my parents wouldn't mind me marrying a convert or anyone from another culture in that matter. They have been in Europe for more than 15 years as well. All in all, I would consider visiting them with your parents and the imam. I hope this helps a bit. 

[realizm]

Distant relationships is a tricky issue. Mixed relationships may even be tougher.

But allow me to say, your relationship seems to be a very sound one, based on iman, ihsan and love. So I encourage you to try your best in order to be with that person. Only thing is she is still young, you might need patience.

Definitely go with that sheikh if possible. Religious institutions or people usually have a lot of influence in eastern communities.

[DanielSpain]

26 minutes ago, realizm said:

Distant relationships is a tricky issue. Mixed relationships may even be tougher.

But allow me to say, your relationship seems to be a very sound one, based on iman, ihsan and love. So I encourage you to try your best in order to be with that person. Only thing is she is still young, you might need patience.

Definitely go with that sheikh if possible. Religious institutions or people usually have a lot of influence in eastern communities.

Thanks for your comment brother

Yes, that's right, sometimes is kind of difficult, but for the moment we have been dealing in a great way with the distance!

Mention, that this is my last year studying in Spain, and that when I'm finish I plan moving to her country and find a job there! I don't want to keep it much longer on the distance.

Thanks again, seems like going with the sheikh is the best option! I'm really thankful and lucky for having meet him.

[Afsaneh14]

On 12/08/2017 at 6:12 PM, DanielSpain said:

She is Hazara Afghan

I come from an afghan background too, but not a hazara one.  I think you should be thankful that this girl is hazaras. compared to pashtuns (plz no one get offended, i am partly pashtun myself) hazaras seem much more peaceful, and as they seem to be very proud of their shia heritage, they may be a bit more lenient, as you are shia as well.

Also in the muslim community people love converts. inshaallah they will love you too

i suggest you go through mutah Nikkah first, as you will be able to tell whether or not this cultural acceptance issue is a problem or not.

May Allah bless you brother