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In the Name of God بسم الله

Am I in the wrong?

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My husband said he's ok with me going on holiday with my best friend. Instead of going on holiday I said we would rather stay in the UK and just go out of town for a few days. He was also ok with this and said I should go. So I'm going tomorrow to London for 2 nights with my friend. Her husband also said he's fine with me and her going. I live with my mother in law and she was not happy when my husband told her. She made all kinds of comments and was basicly saying women can't do things like this only with their husbands. I shouldn't go it's really bad etc. Then this caused an argument with me and my husband as he then was saying he don't want me to go now and has mixed feelings about it ( I assume because of his mothers cultural thinking) Everything is booked so how can I not go, that's also unfair on me and my friend as we have been looking forward to going and just having a girly break together. Is it really wrong for a married women to go away for a few days with her friend.  Also we both don't have children at the moment, so we using this time as an advantage. If my husband agreed and the other persons husband agreed then I don't see how it has anything to do with anyone else? Should my mother in law be able to have a say in what I can and can't do? ..I'm just feeling really upset about this situation I'm in. She has commented before on other occasions, even with me just going out for dinner with my friend. She don't like me going out much. Then questions my husband about me... 

Any advice would be appreciated 

Edited by RevertSister
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6 hours ago, RevertSister said:

She made all kinds of comments and was basicly saying women can't do things like this only with their husbands. I shouldn't go it's really bad etc. [Mod Note: quote was shortened.]

If your Husband is against it then dont go. You mother in law is not your Mother. Then again, you have to ask yourself why you need this trip. Do a bit of some mental self reflection and see how you feel after. Just to point out travelling is very very important for health. One who travels will be healthy and wealthy.

Edited by Hameedeh
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I don't see how you can be in the wrong when your husband was okay with you going. I think you should go for a walk with your husband get out Of the house for awhile, and then talk to each other reasonably and rationally, I'm sure he will agree again just as he did the first time. 

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23 minutes ago, AfricanShia said:

If your Husband is against it then dont go. You mother in law is not your Mother. Then again, you have to ask yourself why you need this trip. Do a bit of some mental self reflection and see how you feel after. Just to point out travelling is very very important for health. One who travels will be healthy and wealthy.

I asked him again if I can go he said yes. But I just know that when it's times for me to go his Mother isn't going to be happy. Tbh id love to get away I'm constantly around his mother in law and Family, id just like some time to myself for a change.  

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5 minutes ago, RevertSister said:

I asked him again if I can go he said yes. But I just know that when it's times for me to go his Mother isn't going to be happy. Tbh id love to get away I'm constantly around his mother in law and Family, id just like some time to myself for a change.  

Well travelling is one of the best methods. It heals one's mind. I recommend that in the future, You and your Husband travel somewhere distant, somewhere far away from home. Those are the best. :)

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salaam @RevertSister - this may not be what you want to hear but I will say it any way as someone who has been happily married for a long time alhumdulillah.

Why wouldn't you go on a mini-vacation with your husband instead of your BFF? I have been married for a while now and my wife and I are best friends because we vacation together a lot.

There is a trend in the younger generation where more preference and importance is given to friends rather than family and/or in-laws.

If your friend is truly your BFF, she will understand your situation. Your husband is in a precarious position of having to fulfill your wishes but also comply with his mother's demands - as unfair as they may be. It is up to you to decide if you want to make his life easier or more difficult.

Not everyone will agree with this, but I always choose family over friends.

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the husband is trying to please two women at the same time. This is not possible. One will always be upset, therefore decisions should be rations not emotive. Evidence here suggests mother wants cultural dominance based on cultural oppression on her. Blah blah.

shiaman: Seriously? - just think please. Both men and women should take time away from each other, it helps to create a better bond. Study it.

his life easier?, he needs to grow up and tell his mother etc. He won't be going against the will of god, as the mother is making a cultural choice fir another human and she has no authority over her. Theists should learn regarding having adult conversations in the households. Might allow harmony instead of religious guilt trapping. Absolutely childish.

Edited by monad
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9 minutes ago, monad said:

the husband is trying to please two women at the same time. This is not possible. One will always be upset, therefore decisions should be rations not emotive. Evidence here suggests mother wants cultural dominance based on cultural oppression on her. Blah blah.

Which culture specifically? As far as I know, Mother-in-Law vs. Daughter-in-Law happens in all cultures.

9 minutes ago, monad said:

shiaman: Seriously? - just think please. Both men and women should take time away from each other, it helps to create a better bond. Study it.

Sure, I play cricket one night a week with the boys and my wife goes out with her friends 1+ times per week. We've even vacationed together with our friends.

But we've never wanted a break from each other (may be she does secretly). It like saying I love Allah but I am going to take a break from him by not praying for a couple of days.

I should add that she has gone back to visit her parents without me for 4-6 weeks but in that case, it was family so different than vacationing with friends.

Edited by shiaman14
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3 hours ago, monad said:

Childish analogy. Maybe you are afraid of ; she saying it as you might assume it to mean omg she doesn't love me any more.....

that is why I saw right through your post.

huh? You saw right through what?

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51 minutes ago, monad said:

right through the cookie monster.

you are so smart. I was so cryptic when I wrote that everyone should choose family over friends that it needed someone with your vision and intelligence to 

3 hours ago, monad said:

that is why I saw right through your post.

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6 hours ago, RevertSister said:

I live with my mother in law and she was not happy when my husband told her. She made all kinds of comments and was basicly saying women can't do things like this only with their husbands. I shouldn't go it's really bad etc. Then this caused an argument with me and my husband as he then was saying he don't want me to go now and has mixed feelings about it ( I assume because of his mothers cultural thinking) Everything is booked so how can I not go, that's also unfair on me and my friend as we have been looking forward to going and just having a girly break together.

Don't expect your husband to agree with you when his mother is upset with you. Since you both live with her, this will happen again. Next time, ask your husband not to mention to your mother-in-law that you will be leaving (dinner, movie, shopping). He can inform her after you leave. As long as you live with her, this will be an issue between you and her, so there are two options: 1) get used to it or 2) find a new place to live. 

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To the OP: Go with your friend. You are not married to your MIL.It's your husband's job to take care of her mood swings and unreasonable demands,not yours.  If you give up your holiday this time you will be setting a pattern for the future where she will throw the wrench into all of your plans.

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15 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

salaam @RevertSister - this may not be what you want to hear but I will say it any way as someone who has been happily married for a long time alhumdulillah.

Why wouldn't you go on a mini-vacation with your husband instead of your BFF? I have been married for a while now and my wife and I are best friends because we vacation together a lot.

There is a trend in the younger generation where more preference and importance is given to friends rather than family and/or in-laws.

If your friend is truly your BFF, she will understand your situation. Your husband is in a precarious position of having to fulfill your wishes but also comply with his mother's demands - as unfair as they may be. It is up to you to decide if you want to make his life easier or more difficult.

Not everyone will agree with this, but I always choose family over friends.

I completely understand where your coming from. But I am always around my in laws , always take them out with me and my husband. My husband is busy working , I don't see any harm in having girly time away with a friend. It's good to get your own space and be able to have a social life. If it was really an issue with my husband he would of said no to begin with. Considering my husband said yes and my friends husband said yes I don't see their being an issue. I understand his mum has cultural differences with me but I respect and compromise a lot with his family so I don't see me having some fun with a friend as a big issue. 

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11 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Don't expect your husband to agree with you when his mother is upset with you. Since you both live with her, this will happen again. Next time, ask your husband not to mention to your mother-in-law that you will be leaving (dinner, movie, shopping). He can inform her after you leave. As long as you live with her, this will be an issue between you and her, so there are two options: 1) get used to it or 2) find a new place to live. 

thanks for your message. I get what your saying but it's not her place to be upset with me. If my husband has given me permission she has no say. Also I can not leave without saying so myself to her. I would love to live separate and not share facilities but that will never happen. 

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15 hours ago, monad said:

the husband is trying to please two women at the same time. This is not possible. One will always be upset, therefore decisions should be rations not emotive. Evidence here suggests mother wants cultural dominance based on cultural oppression on her. Blah blah.

shiaman: Seriously? - just think please. Both men and women should take time away from each other, it helps to create a better bond. Study it.

his life easier?, he needs to grow up and tell his mother etc. He won't be going against the will of god, as the mother is making a cultural choice fir another human and she has no authority over her. Theists should learn regarding having adult conversations in the households. Might allow harmony instead of religious guilt trapping. Absolutely childish.

I agree with you. It's a cultural clash we are having and as me and my mother in law can't have a general conversation due to language barrier it makes things harder. But if my husband has said I can go, it has nothing to do with the mother in law. I get my husband has to respect his mum but then how can he let her try to control me like that. It's not the first time I haven't been able to go out because she thinks women aren't supposed to. I'm around his family 24/7 and when I go to see mine it seems like it's an issue. Me having a little break with my friend is harmless we aren't doing anything haram.

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17 minutes ago, starlight said:

To the OP: Go with your friend. You are not married to your MIL.It's your husband's job to take care of her mood swings and unreasonable demands,not yours.  If you give up your holiday this time you will be setting a pattern for the future where she will throw the wrench into all of your plans.

I love this. So true! I'm still going, my husband said I can still go so regardless of what she thinks she has no say in the matter. Mother in law was scolding at me last night and giving me the dirtiest looks and shaking her head. Regardless I'm going and I'm going to have fun :) 

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15 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

Which culture specifically? As far as I know, Mother-in-Law vs. Daughter-in-Law happens in all cultures.

Sure, I play cricket one night a week with the boys and my wife goes out with her friends 1+ times per week. We've even vacationed together with our friends.

But we've never wanted a break from each other (may be she does secretly). It like saying I love Allah but I am going to take a break from him by not praying for a couple of days.

I should add that she has gone back to visit her parents without me for 4-6 weeks but in that case, it was family so different than vacationing with friends.

Indian culture.

When you get married that doesn't mean u can no longer have a social life with friends. I don't want a break from my husband at all, I just want some time to myself as I'm continuously around his family. I'm used to having my own space and having time alone and since moving in with in laws I can't get that until night time, or else I will get questioned why I'm upstairs in my room etc. Whenever me and my husband go out we always take his mum with us and his siblings. We don't get much time alone to do things or else his mother will take it bad that she wasn't invited to come along. Anyway, my husband is at work and me and my friend wanted to have some girly time together. Don't really see it as a big issue tbh. Even if I wanted to stay at my mums house for a few days/ week.. that would also be an issue with my mother in law.

Edited by RevertSister
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Salam,

I dont have any experience of similar situations but all I can say is try not to put your man between his mother and yourself as far as you can because he loves the both of you.

Try to be smart, make the mother feel like she is in control but still do as you want. 

Where is the father in law? He dont take his wife out etc? Or maybe divorced or passed away?

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21 hours ago, RevertSister said:

Any advice would be appreciated 

It is none of your mother-in-law's business to interfere in your life.

At the same time, she is your husband's mother. According to Islamic ethics, you may not be obliged to obey her but your husband is.

Catch 22!

Combining the two imponderables, just make sure your husband has no problems with your trip.  

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5 minutes ago, baqar said:

At the same time, she is your husband's mother. According to Islamic ethics, you may not be obliged to obey her but your husband is.

I am sure there is a difference between obedience expected from the children in islam and controlling the children's spouses.  

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On 07/08/2017 at 1:41 PM, shiaman14 said:

But we've never wanted a break from each other (may be she does secretly). 

Weird. Everyone needs a break, heck we need a break from ourselves. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I am not to get away from myself.

I think the OP should send her MIL and her husband on a vacation instead.

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5 minutes ago, King said:

Weird. Everyone needs a break, heck we need a break from ourselves. Sometimes I pretend to be someone I am not to get away from myself.

Ross and Rachel were on a break...

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9 hours ago, starlight said:

I am sure there is a difference between obedience expected from the children in Islam and controlling the children's spouses.  

You are absolutely right, sister.

But in actual practice, it is Catch-22.

It is very hard for a young man whose mother in not being very fair to his wife to deal with his mother, without stepping over the limits prescribed by Islam. 

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